Category: New Woman

The emotional space is as competitive as any business environment you can imagine. Faced with that reality, it is always better to make sure that the one that you are attracted to gets value for the emotions that they would be given to you. You just have to put yourself constantly in your partner’s shoes to appreciate what you do or have left undone.

Conversely, accepting a situation that is anything other than what you truly want in a relationship will not only make you unhappy, it will also keep you tied to someone who is not right for you. So really ask yourself what kind of relationship you want before you become involved with a man and the chemistry starts to cloud your vision.

Adunni and Tolu had courted for about seven months and they got along pretty well. During this period, the two lovebirds discovered some of the things they shared in common and hoped that the relationship was going to lead them to the altar. Just when Adunnithought she had found the man of her dream man, the dream was aborted.

How did things fall apart? you ask. A few weeks before the discovery, Adunnipaid Tolu a surprise visit in the office. That was in order, it’s sometimes gives you direction and you would find out if you are on the right emotional track or not.

How did the bubble burst? Our dear friend who was still day dreaming emotional adventure ran into another competitor who surprisingly had won the emotional crown.”I found them together in a very uncompromising way and I began to ask some questions.”

So, did she get answers to these questions? Not really. “Tolu simply introduced the lady as his fiancée.” No apologies! For a few seconds she felt as if her heart had stopped. This relationship had caused her so much harm in the past and this certainly was the last straw. Gradually, she gained composure, got her car keys, ran out of the office and sat inside the car for a few minutes.

It was very cold and she was lonely and alone. All kinds of things started riveting on her mind. Cars were revving as everyone was in a hurry to get out of the car park and then she finally found her way out of the mess (physical and emotional.)

Like Adunni, Nnamdi is in a deep emotional mess. He was supposed to meet his fiancée, Matilda, in the restaurant at 5 pm. The traffic was really bad and somehow he was a little late.He finally found his way into the restaurant panting and almost breathless. A few seconds after,he felt better and looked for her in their usual corner.

To his surprise, she wasn’t around. That was quite unlike her and he decided to call her on phone. The line was dead and so he decided to wait for his sweetheart.

With his laptop opened in front of him, he happily slipped into a happy reverie of all their moments. The things they had shared. The words she had said; he had turned out to be quite the poet.

In that few minutes, he tried to work on some of the pending mails in his inbox. Here he found a note from his beloved Matilda. “I can’t make it as promised. I am a bit confused about this relationship. Please I need some time to think about it all. Sorry for whatever inconveniences this might cause you.”

At this point, he knew that something new must have happened; after all they spoke about an hour ago. So, where do we go from here? Should he really give her another chance or start thinking of a plan B?

It is important to know how to interpret your partner’s mood from time to time. Usually, when a man or woman acts withdrawn, that is a signal that the person is undergoing an emotional process and needs time to recharge.

Women tend to think that if things are going well with a guy, that he will naturally want to move things forward to the next level. They’ll just assume this even when the guy has never talked about the future.

Things will be coasting along, and suddenly the guy will change gears, she’ll find out he’s dating other women, or he doesn’t make plans with her every weekend, and she’s left wondering what the heck happened.

The answer is that the woman created all these expectations about what the relationship was supposed to look like and how he was supposed to behave, and when he fell short of that, she became disappointed and unfulfilled. This usually winds up in a confrontation that causes tension and maybe even creates more distance.

When the emotional matter is more than a fling, then you would discover that it can be very devastating to handle. So the next question is how you survive during the hurting period. The crux of the matter is that it can be really tough but you just have to be determined to move on and create a better emotional space for the future.

A brand new pair of shoes, wrist watch anda bag can really be a delight. It would surely look good and you just want to hold onto it forever. But as the days, months and years roll by, the feeling changes. It’s either you still have some feelings towards this treasure or you want to give it out and need a replacement. Interestingly, this also happens to our emotional treasures too. When you first fell in love with that prince charming, you couldn’t take your eyes off the dude. You must have had sleepless nights thinking about him, but gradually the degree of emotions has fallen from the love heights you used to share together. Now, as we test your heart for romantic vibes, it’s almost zero.

Romance is essential and you need to make it work. It can be maintained by bringing in things that you know that your partner cherishes to bring back the memories.Candlelight, compliments, romantic bubble baths, showers, and romantic dinners are great ideas.You can keep your emotional flag flying at a great altitude if you inject a little romance into some of the things you do and some of the places you go.

That is why the foundation you lay for the relationship is very important. You need to discuss and plan for the future of your dream. This can be done during courtship or during a specially packaged honeymoon.Even though the tradition of a honeymoon following nuptials has changed from its original meaning, it still has a wonderful role to play.

Northern European history describes the abduction of a bride from a neighbouring village. It was imperative that the abductor, the husband-to-be, takes his bride-to-be into hiding for period of time. His friends assured his and her safe keeping and kept their whereabouts unknown. Once the bride’s family gave up their search, the bride groom returned to his people. This folkloric explanation presumably is the origin of today’s honeymoon, for its original meaning meant hiding.

The Scandinavian word for honeymoon is derived, in part, from an ancient Northern European custom in which newlyweds, for the first month of their married life, drank a daily cup of honeyed wine called mead. The ancient practices of kidnapping the bride and drinking the honeyed wine date back to the history of Atilla, king of the Asiatic Huns.

So that leaves us with the question of where the “moon” in the word “honeymoon” originates from. One piece of folklore relates that the origin of the word moon comes from a cynical inference. To the Northern Europeans the term referred to the body’s monthly cycle and, its combination with honey, suggested that not all “moons” of married life were as sweet as the first.

For many, this certainly should be a happy, peaceful time for lovebirds to relax and celebrate the new union. Unfortunately, we also find a number of stories where honeymoon vacations have resulted in horrifying tragedies affecting one or the two lovebirds.

Unfortunately, this was not the case for Shrien and Anni Dewani. Instead of the romantic happy ever ending scenario, it’s been tales of honeymoon murder and demands for extradition of the culprit by the family of the one that was killed. Here, an Indian origin businessman, Shrien, is accused of plotting the murder of his wife during their honeymoon.

Anni Dewani was shot when a taxi in which the couple were travelling was hijacked in the Gugulethu township near Cape Town. She was found dead in the back of the abandoned vehicle with a bullet wound to the neck. Dewani and the driver were said to have been ejected from the car before Anni was driven away and killed.

Why would this 33-year-old plot to kill his Swedish-born Indian wife in South Africa? Did he suddenly discover that he did not really love her? Or could it be that he suddenly ran into an old flame and thought it was better to extinguish this new flame instead?

On his part, Shrien has denied any involvement in his wife’s murder and was seeking to delay his extradition on account of his mental health. So, he has been excused from appearing in court, having been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder and depression. Now that the drums of justice to avenge this injustice have been heard, the man runs for cover with the ‘insanity excuse’. He is to be extradited from Britain to South Africa to stand trial.

This love story, unfortunately, contrasts sharply with the next story yours truly ran into recently. Surprisingly, the second story is about two oldies trapped in the love nest and happy to be emotionally tied together for so long. Instead of looking for faults, getting tired of the other and complaining about wrinkles and fat in odd places, they showed love to each other in mega doses till the end. A California couple born on the same day and were married for 75years recently died one day apart. Helen and Les Brown died on July 16 and 17 respectively both at the age of 94.

For those who had a close encounter with them as well as monitored their relationship, theirs was always described as ‘a wonderful blessing”. They were full of love and passion. The couple who shared the same birthday of December 13, 1918 actually eloped in 1937 after they met in high school.

That was not all there was to the quintessential romance. They were also fun-loving and beautiful people. This confirmation was made by their eldest son, Les Brown junior, who sums it all this way: “It was a real love match. They were together every day for 75 years.”

SEUN had been in a relationship with Bidemi for about two years. It was fun all the way. She was actually his type of girl and the courtship period has been very interesting. She had a great heart, a smiling face, as well as a promising future. Everything fell into place for them pleasantly and his desire was to settle down with her as soon as possible.

The babe in question was younger and she still wanted to play around a little. “Each time I tried to get a commitment from her, she diverted the discussion telling me about her plans to go back to school for her masters.”

Would she say yes or no? It was at this point that he ran into Kikelomo in a restaurant and, somehow, she also fit into the picture of a dream girl. However, the first choice was Bidemi dearest, but it was better to have an alternative. So, he kept Kikelomo by the side; this was going to be the emotional joke, just in case Bidemi messes up.

On her part, Kike had a swell time along the emotional corridor. It was as if she had never fallen in love before and Seun swept her off her feet in a short while. Dreamer! She did not know that she was just a spare part, useful only when option A (Bidemi) fails. Unfortunately for her, Bidemi got wind of the emotional duplicate and she quickly closed the affection gaps. It must have been love but it was over and Kikelomo was left in the lurch. She had actually been on the back burner all this while and she just had to move on with the pieces.

 Romantically speaking, however, you need to ask yourself some pertinent questions to be sure that your emotions are directed in the right direction.  You need to be sure about the part of the hook that you are hanging on. Are you having a firm grip on the heart you desire or are you just on the edge clinging desperately for attention from someone whose heart is firmly rooted elsewhere?

Interestingly, there are signs and symptoms to show that you are on the back burner in a relationship.  “I can’t be with you … right now” is a phrase that elusive hearts keep using to string hearts together just in case they run into emotional trouble elsewhere.

Here you get phrases like ‘you shouldn’t keep all your eggs in one basket.’ So, smart hearts try to leave the emotional door cracked open for a willing or desperate heart to explore. Of course, there is the vague possibility of a relationship someday.

Could this be a fair emotional deal? Not really! However, the crux of the matter is that the emotional terrain sometimes is not fair to all. So, some just manage to play along hoping to win by the sides or from the back. This, naturally, does not make the hearts look very good. This adventurous zone is about the survival of the fittest and the hearts concerned are busy keeping track of and keeping in touch with alternative romantic prospects synonymous with a lot of humans.

A recent study published in Computers in Human Behaviour dubs these interactions “backburner relationships.” A backburner, as defined by the study, is “a person to whom one is not presently committed, and with whom one maintains some degree of communication, in order to keep or establish the possibility of future romantic and/or sexual involvement.”

The lead study author, Jayson Dibble, an assistant professor of communication, states that “What originally inspired me to think about this is when you meet somebody at a club and trade numbers, you might go through your contacts [later] and say ‘Oh I remember that guy. I might zing him a note and see how he’s doing … It was inspired by my old days in grad school.”

The communication is key here. A backburner is not just someone who wanders into your thoughts every once in a while—the college sweetheart whose Facebook photos you occasionally browse, or the cute friend-of-a-friend you met on vacation and have always thought you’d really click with, if you lived in the same city. These “what-ifs” only become backburners if you actually reach out to them.

Dibble notes that sometimes backburners know they’re backburners and sometimes they don’t. I suppose it depends on whether the communication in question is more artful than a “hey, what’s up?” text sent at 1 a.m.

There are a couple of competing evolutionary imperatives at play when it comes to keeping people on the backburner. On the one hand, it makes a certain primal sense to explore all the potential mates available, to be sure to get the best deal. But having one long-term partner helps offspring survive, in the rough-and-tumble caveman world often invoked by evolutionary psychology.

So, commitment provides benefits, in exchange for letting go of other possibilities -the would have been, the could have been or the should have been. According to the investment model of relationships, people who have invested more resources—time, energy, money—into a relationship should be more committed to it, and alternative partners should seem less attractive.

THE sore on her left arm was healing already but it was itching. A little scratch here and there appears to be soothing. Just while she was feeling relieved, it got painful and was bleeding profusely. For a lot of people, if the wound itches the tendency is to scratch. Unfortunately, scratching is bad for the healing process. The pain from that old wound reminds her of the emotional wound that she was nursing at the moment.

For a long time, Nkiru’s desire was to have a good relationship and have the best from the emotional world. That proved abortive and right from school it was tough getting a heart that would melt naturally into hers. Disappointed with the emotional trial and errors that came her way, she finally left school and went for her national service in Enugu.

Service year was sweet, filled with passionate memories and it was at the peak of it all that she met Chidi. Everything fell in place and it looked like nothing was ever going to change her love for him. “We went everywhere together, laughed around and played like little children. We just could not hide anything from each other and it looked like this was romance made in heaven. As the days went by, I also discovered that we shared so many things in common and never quarrelled for a day.”

Then they got to the point where it was important to seal the emotional deal and get things done formally. Nkiru had also chosen a bridal gown design and a number of other plans were in the pipeline. That naturally should have been the best moments in her life but somehow the unexpected happened. Chidi gave her a call and told her that they could not continue with plans for the marriage. Reason: “My father has insisted that I must not marry a Yoruba girl. My mother tried her best to convince him but he remains adamant. Unfortunately, I respect my father so much and I cannot go against his wish. I actually need his blessings for the marriage to be a success.”

The news hit her like a hammer. It left her dazed for days and even weeks. During this period, she kept hoping that things would change and her dear Chidi would come back to her and say it was all a dream. He didn’t. In the midst of that emotional confusion, she fell ill and went to the hospital. Here the doctor revealed that Nkiru was expecting a baby for Chidi. She called him to tell him about the news and the response was even more devastating than the first experience.

“You must be dreaming. Your plan is to tie me down against my wish. I am sorry, it won’t work. It is over and you can do whatever you like with the baby.” Nkiru decided to keep the baby, while Chidi vanished into thin air. It was tough but luckily her mother and friend, Dorcas, stood by her. After that experience, she became very hard on all the guys that came her way. She went back to school and had two masters and went on to pursue her PhD. On the job, she was flying really high and she had many suitors on her trail. As far as she was concerned, they were all inconsequential. He son, Donald, was doing very well in school and he was the apple of her eyes. She loved him so much while the boy adored his mum.

Life for Nkiru was complete but somehow friends and family would not let her be. The song on their lips was, “Nkiru you need a man in your life.” She finally found Tade, an Accountant who attended the same church with her. To her utmost surprise, he had never been married too. He had a good family pedigree and was very simple. His two sisters were also very wonderful and in a short while the wedding bell rang.

The two of them had been emotional victims with wounds inflicted by hearts they once loved. It was therefore a turning point and the emotional wounds of the past began to heal. About two years after the marriage, Nkiru had a daughter for Tade, but somehow she began to notice something strange about her man. He had mood swings and there are times that he gets so agitated and violent. He managed to cope but the major casualty was her son, Donald. Her husband and her son just did not get along and it made her really sad.

One morning, they argued over something and Tade smashed the windscreen of the car the boy was going to take out. Nkiru quickly got out of bed to intervene and he smashed her head with a big stick. It was after this experience that one of Tade’s sisters opened up telling her that he suffered from depression when his former girlfriend deserted him. At this point, he was sad and remorseful. This was really dangerous but she just could not abandon her Tade now. He needs her more than ever; after all the agreement was till death do them part. Donald would go and stay with her mum so that Tade could have more attention.

To be or not to be? That obviously is the question you ask yourself when you want to go into a new venture, a relationship or a career path. First, you need the conviction to go on because that would be the foundation on which so many other things would be laid.

Once you are sure that you are on the right path, and then it would be smooth sail. But if for some reasons you just cannot find a good answer to your question or questions, then you may be at the crossroads.

This scenario also plays itself out in our relationships. Most times, a lot of lovebirds are at affection’s crossroads. Yes, you admire someone very well but there are some unanswered questions.

This is exactly the stage in which Lauretta is at the moment. She has a crush for this guy but there are so many odds against the survival of that relationship. Should she forget this dream or pursue her heart’s desire and damn all the other consequences? Somehow, she decided to be a dreamer and the dream came with memories of gains and pains.

Scroll down memory lane and you find her recalling some of the happy moments.

It started on a bright afternoon at a Lagos registry with some friends. Wedding bells were certainly ringing in style here and in a couple of minutes these lucky hearts were tied together and admonished to live happily together forever. They were happy for a while but it was not forever.

Riveting in your mind are questions about the real status of lovebirds. Are they truly in love? Would they be ready to make the necessary sacrifices required to make it to the end? Or could this just be a public show of affection, a show that would likely come to an abrupt end?

Well, the truth of the matter is that it takes only two hearts to determine how far they are going to go in a particular relationship. It can be a continuous marathon love race if they are both sincere, determined and have the same emotional dreams about the future.

Even though you just couldn’t take a look at the different hearts to know exactly what they are thinking or imagining, you realise that this lucky fellows have finally scaled the first hurdle.

Also at another registry recently, you find Kate and Henry hanging onto one another so passionately. They walked out of the registry smiling and smiling.  The photographer clicks on and on, trying to keep the memories for posterity. Images they could turn to and remember the very beginning. Images children from the union are likely to laugh about pass the usual comments and compare notes.

Apart from the smiles, there was nothing really interesting about the new couple. They looked so different in outlook and you wonder if they were really meant for each other or was it one of those arrangements? All this may not really count; the most important thing is if the hearts were united.

United in love forever. They are not alone. It’s D-day and 12 marriages have been fixed and everyone is eager to sign the dotted lines. Take a deep look into the crystal ball and you find gaps in different areas of their lives. These include age disparity, height, weight, class and dress code.

Anyway, what has age got to do with love? It is just a number and it does not guarantee whether a relationship is going to work or not. If you have two people who are both in the same age bracket, you would expect them to share certain things in common. Interestingly, this does not guarantee the success of their relationship; there was some other cogent reason to hold on to one another in love.

Also, when you we talk about the height of the couple, you can also imagine what people dream about or desire. Women naturally would want a guy who is taller than they are whilst the prince charming would prefer same height or slightly shorter than he is. But the truth of the matter is that all these grand rules of affection have been broken and replaced with other reasons based on the expectations of the lovebirds. It is always important to weigh the options and select what would be best for you. It is not about sympathy, you must make sure that you are going to fit in and enjoy this new beginning.

When you finally make up your mind, then you are in charge. If this is not the case, then we can say that you have been boxed into an emotional corner. It is not the best because you are going to be complaining and grumbling all the time.

So it is better to cross check and be sure that you have played the right game; you need to be sure that you heart beat is chanting the right love anthem and this would help to reconcile your love account.

But if the love pendulum is not balanced, then the lovebirds need make use of the positive love currents to get back on track. It is a very pertinent stage and you must be sure that it is what you really want.

For all you know, it may just be mere infatuation, something that would only carry on for months or a few years. When it lapses, you may just want to run away. However, the truth of the matter is that you would have created a big vacuum, a vacuum nothing or nobody can ever fill again.