Category: New Woman

A nasty pound of flesh! Morenike was determined to take something back to compensate for all the pains. The pain her friend inflicted on her, ‘stealing’ the man she loved and wanted to spend the rest of her life with. The ‘thief’, on her part, was also very bitter. Reason: “Someone also stole my man, and so why should heavens come down if I steal from another. I didn’t bring down the roof when my man was stolen,” she argued.

So, for Morenike, revenge was very vital to bringing back the equilibrium. Interestingly, some experts say love is about sharing. But the big question here is what, how and when does the sharing idea fit in? Sometimes, you even wonder if there should be a sharing formula for love.

 Something that must be strictly adhered to like medication: Two teaspoons in the morning, one midday and another two teaspoons-just-before-you-go-to-bed kind of formula.

Not sure it is going to work that way, because people are different. Their attitudes, temperament and fancies, all would determine the servings required at particular points in time. But, again, medication is not something you take happily or easily. It is something that you just want to do and push behind you. That obviously is not to be equated with love, and it is not going to work!

On the other hand, love is an experience where you put in your best to bring joy to the lives of those you treasure. A time to make promises that would not be broken, as well as give in mega doses. Interestingly, as you sniff around the love process, you find people giving according to their different characters.

While some are very generous, you also find those who are very stingy, taking so much and giving so little in return. You actually need to give as much as 70 or 80 percent to merit a miserly 10, or at worst a five percent space in their precious heart. Even when you are lucky to squeeze out this bit, you have to hold on firmly because it may just slip away just before you finish contemplating what to do with it.

Interestingly, it is this kind of characters that are lucky in relationship. They are selfish and hoard what they have and that somehow makes them precious and most sought-after in your estimation; they may not even look really fantastic. But for those who fall helplessly and stupidly in love with them, there is something to treasure. Something that the ordinary or discerning eyes cannot really see or appreciate.

It may also interest you that some simply like to take and take while others do the giving. When you try to put the giving or sharing in your relationship into perspectives. The crux of the matter here is that you may never really find a 50/50 scenario.

Giving is something a generous heart would want to do spontaneously. But there are some things a lot of us would find very difficult to really share. These include things like your sponge, brush and pants. These are essentials you are not likely to share with another. They are just too personal to go round and round. In the same vein, your man is expected to be yours alone, a possession you just cannot share with any other woman.

Funny enough, when it comes to our friends who are scientifically inclined, they do their things with precisions here; a spade is a spade. There is no need calling it by another name just because you want to add any aesthetic value to it. They don’t usually beat about the bush. And of course, you find out that it makes the process fast and straightforward.

But for those of us who are art-inclined, we are simply in a different world entirely. We love to colour and dress things in different garments. Unfortunately, these colourings also bring about other complexities which may be difficult to handle. In the process, we do a number of things haphazardly, make a few mistakes and walk about freely.

Naturally, we cling onto the good old saying that `two wrongs don’t make a right’. Okay, if you stick to this rule, then how can people who have been unjustly treated get justice? How can they right the wrong that they have experienced? Do you just sit on the fence, accept a silly sorry dished out to you grudgingly by someone who waited to be reminded of his or her callous action to your dear heart?

The rule here is that you must brace up for the situation. Get tough and drop all your lily-livered tendencies. Show this naughty offender that you can also be really mean. It must be an eye for an eye, as well as a tooth for another tooth.

The game of revenge can really be sweet when you are the one dishing out the ‘missile’. Here, you need to get the necessary tools or weapon to carry out the ‘warfare’.

A lot of issues are actually involved in this game. If a man catches his spouse pant down, you can be sure that all hell would be let loose…

IT was a moving story indeed. The story of teenage house helps who had resisted the advances from madams husband for about three months. When it was obvious that the man wasn’t going to stop, she poured out her heart to madam’s friend in tears.

Whenever his wife was not around, he followed the girl around the house asking for a ‘favour’, something she could not do. But the big question is why some people like to take advantage of others. After all, there are so many others waiting just for a wink and it’s all yours.

That gentleman is not alone. As a matter of fact, there are so many other desperados in the emotional arena. Sometimes, it is just a silly habit that can be compared to a shoplifter stealing things that he or she actually does not need.

A culprit once confessed that monogamy is responsible for all this. Men, he opined, are restricted and so they cannot express themselves freely. But the truth of the matter is that men who are in polygamous relationships have also been fingered to be part of this ‘unholy deals’.

At one point or the other, we all fall in and out of the love process. It is the normal trend and the experiences are usually as varied as the faces of the babes and dudes involved in these relationships.

But for some people, there are no rules at all. It is a spontaneous thing and their brain is usually on vacation at such moments. It comes back briefly when the harm has been done and takes off again because there are other ‘assignments’ to contend with.

The sad part of it all is that these Romeos have no taste when it comes to emotional sorting, just anything would do. ‘If the person involved is a man, then you would find him going after everything in skirt. If a monkey wears a skirt, then you can be sure that he is going to run after her’, informs 28-year-old Folakemi, who once dated a guy who began to behave this way at a point in the relationship.

She adds that “Most times, you find him in the company of dirty, weird and ugly characters all because he wants to date them at all cost. The popular phrase then was gbogbo ejo jije ni. When I got really tired of the mess, I made up my mind to move on with my life. He was not worth dying for.”

Of course, that naturally sums it up. It’s a snake-like affair, slippery, scandalous and dangerous.

One other interesting fact is that those in this category get into loads of trouble. They lose their heads, lose their homes and embezzle resources at their disposal just to stay on top of the game.

Imagine a man driving with his girlfriend beside him and he is busy staring at another girl with a no hold barred kind of gesticulation. Of course, the lady would be embarrassed at his action, but for the man in action, it is already a way of life.

The basic truth here is that the man is no longer in control of his mind. You could actually compare the state of his mind to someone who has derailed from the real thing. Instead of driving the car, the car is actually the one driving (pushing him around) his life and emotions in a zigzag manner.

And since he is not in firm control of his emotions, he may just end up in the gutter, hit a brick wall and even somersault. Interestingly, this valley is not for the men alone. Some women are also emotional tenants and landladies hustling and justling for space here.

Here, you find folks who are carried away with their beauty and they are ever ready to tempt hearts that can’t resist the skirt and the content within the camisole. On their heels, so many mighty men have fallen and may just not rise again. Well, that may just be the best way to balance the power thing. After all, if we are not so powerful on the political corridors, then we may just make use of the emotional corridors and get equity. Justice and fair play here. Survival of the emotional fittest, you would say. Or what do you think?

HEARTS, like everything else, come in different categories. Some are large, others are small and ordinary. Like a lamp, your heart would ultimately create an atmosphere that is as unique as your personality. A small heart would definitely not have enough space to attract or accommodate others. However, if you have a heart that is very large, creative, accommodating and reliable, then it can brighten your world as well as the life of those around you.

Imagine what you could do in darkness with a torch, a lamp as well as a chandelier! The last option is obviously the most effective as well as the most attractive. Chandeliers are often ornate, and normally use lamps. Crystal chandeliers have more or less complex arrays of crystal prisms to illuminate a room with refracted light. However, you cannot go far with a chandelier whose lamps are faulty and do not refract light.

This also reminds you of the love song called ‘Chandelier’ by Sia, the Australian singer. The song is the lead single from her sixth album and it offers a different point of view about party girls. The group of jolly good fellows don’t get hurt, can’t feel anything and are as mesmerising as the chandelier. Swinging from the Chandelier, this heart lives like tomorrow doesn’t exist.

Chandelier is a song laced with self-reflecting vocals, a haunting melody and tribal escalations that give a solemn feel. What’s more, its lyrics tell us the exact thoughts going on inside a girl with an alcoholism problem. Time and again, she tries to tell herself that she shouldn’t it anymore, but peer pressure, lust, need for love always bring her back, convincing her that she can handle anything, that she should live life while the moment is there. In one word: addiction.

Escaping from reality, that is what many think of and that is what takes them to do things that are unrealistic and well as lead to suicidal tendencies. Hearts in dreamland is what comes to mind at this point as you ponder on hearts and relationships that fit into this description. A romantic experience that takes you to your dreams is everybody’s wish but most times what you see isn’t what you get. Just when you think you’ve found love, it slips away again and then the search begins once more. If you are lucky you run into the right heart and you begin to experience the forever happy ending kind of experience. Not so lucky, you try, try and try again. Even after finding a perfect soul mate, maintaining the relationship comes with a lot of challenges and you need to work hard to protect yours forever.

Interestingly, relationship or marital problems come in all shapes and sizes. So, if you are feeling distraught, worn out or desperate for help, it is important to look for help in the right quarters. Don’t ever give up because you are not alone.

Interestingly, there are a number of common relationship problems that we all come across on a daily basis. The first one that comes to mind is infidelity. There are usually a number of signs to see when the love boat is sailing in this direction. Once you notice this on time then you would be able to save the relationship before it crashes.

Some of the other issues that you have to contend with include sexual problems, particularly loss of libido (male and female). If this does not occur in your situation, then you may just be faced with the significant differences in the individuals’ core values and beliefs. Here, what is required is to understand what the other person likes or dislikes and then try to adjust as well as accommodate the other person.

As you go through these adjustments, you should also be in tune with the different life stages, what it means to you and your partner as well as how to make the best out of it all. You also need to be aware of certain traumatic and life-changing events in the way that shows sympathy and empathy for the heart that you cherish so much.

Experts inform that there are significant personal disappointments and traumas in relationships these days. This unfortunately has led to a change in relationship dynamics. Lack of support during particularly difficult times from people that matter to you can be very frustrating and challenging. This gets worse when there is manipulation or over-involvement in your relationships with family or friends. Sadly, a lot of people get depressed because they just have a feeling that the relationship is one-sided and the other party is uncaring.

Lack of communication about important matters like this usually leads to separation. Unfortunately, there are times when this is just nothing but perceived lack of concern, care and consideration, financial problems, dealing with a jealous partner, unrealistic expectations as well as poor division of and or one-sided lack of responsibility for chores and tasks.

GEORGINA is a very pretty and intelligent girl. In spite of all this, she has not been able to secure a good relationship. She has tried and tried but no matter how hard she tries love appears to be elusive.  It has therefore been tales of disappointments, tears and frustration.

So what really is the matter? you ask ‘When it comes to having  intimate relationship I have a problem with communication, trusting the  other person or telling him how I feel about him. I am an introvert and a lot of the guys I come across do not usually understand me.

Interestingly, she just survived another crisis, something that would have brought more heartaches was nipped in the bud and she trying very hard to save the relationship. ‘If I lose this one, then I am finished. It is actually my last hope and I pray I would not have to start all over again. ‘

Sadly, our friend is not the cause of the problem, she has played her part very well but the problem here is that the Romeo has taken her for granted.

The crux of the matter here is that when you want a relationship that you want to last for ever, there are certain things that you must do. Of course, you must be committed personally, be ready to give more than you plan to receive as well as have a possible time frame in mind.

Even when you have all this at your fingertips, there can still be a snag to the success of this adventure. This is because it takes two to tango and you cannot make a success of the situation alone. Also, if you are committed and the other person does not know what he wants from the relationship then you may just end up being stranded at the end of the day.

‘I fell in love with Adewunmi as soon as I set my eyes on her about five months ago. And from that day I wanted her to be my wife. I put everything into that relationship, dropped all my old habits and tried to spoil her with everything I had during the courtship. In spite of all the sacrifices that I made, I realised that she wasn’t shifting at all. I bought her all kinds of gifts, visited her regularly and spent a fortune on phone calls. However, I discovered that the more interest I showed in my woman the more difficult she became.”

Scroll down memory lane and the 32-year-old lover boy laments that “In all the relationships that I have had in the past, I have never done this for any girl and it is so painful to know that she doesn’t appreciate it all.

“Now, I have come to the conclusion that I had been dissipating energy and affection.” Interestingly, you can also compare the scenario to Russell Bertrand”s analysis of the mind. “You may sometimes find on a mountain side a large rock poised so delicately that a touch will set it crashing down into the valley, while rocks all round are so firm that only a considerable force can dislodge them. What is analogous in these two cases is the existence of a great stone of energy in unstable equilibrium ready to burst into violent motion by the addition of a very slight disturbance.”

It is important to share some things in common, have the same goals and be compatible to move your love train ahead. “When I came to this realisation, I began to ask questions from friends and those who were close to my sweetheart. In the process, I discovered that she had been battered by some guys and the effect took a toll on the softer part of her heart. Now, she has hardened her heart against all men, including yours truly. Too bad, there was really nothing I could do about it.”

Poor guy, he just had to move on with his life. The lesson learnt here is that the people we fall in love with may turn out to be different from our expectations. When you come to this realisation the best thing to do is to move on, there is no point crying over spilt milk.