Category: New Woman

The chicken moved around looking for something to peck at. It was young, beautiful and restless. The first move was to hang around Mr. A but somehow there was no chemistry here. Instead, Mr. A looked for a big stick indicating that pretty chickens (chics) are not welcomed here. Of course, that signal meant that the chic should look for someone who would appreciate the gestures. So it walked towards Mr. B and he poured some of the biscuit crumbs on the ground and it swooped on it.

 Like Oliver Twist, our pretty young chic waited asking for more and like a cheerful giver, Mr. B gave more biscuits. Two can play? Just before the answer came, he noticed that a tiny piece of rag had been tied around the right leg. Oh no! This rope means something that won’t make it easy tagging along with his impulse. That was not the only sign of ownership. A red paint was visible on the left leg too.

Haba! All this for identification? Why not! You go all the way to give a tag to something you love, cherish and adore. Even if it strays, the message here is ‘don’t touch, don’t trespass and don’t take away.’ Unfortunately, a number of chics are roaming aimlessly around without any form of identification. The crux of the matter here is that if you allow your chic to roam about and you cannot identify it, then it may be missing for a while or gone forever.

This is exactly what happened to two lovebirds recently. Hardest hit by the emotional miscalculations is our dear Shewa and she is feeling bad because everyone thought she was too slow in the emotional process. Though she has come to terms with the break up, she is still finding it difficult to create space for new romance.

The damsel met Kunle on campus and they had a wonderful relationship. He assisted her with her studies and they complemented each other in different ways. They were very close but somehow Kunle made no promises. It was a very cordial relationship and Shewa did not allow him more than a nuzzle in public. On his part, Kunle played the role of the good guy and never attempted to take advantage of his adorable chic.

They graduated and both passed out in flying colours. Barely two years after, Kunle got a scholarship and he had to travel out of the country for the proverbial greener pastures. When he broke to news to Shewa, she was devastated. Her friend, Morenike, was also afraid for her: “You know all these guys, the way they behave once you are out of sight. I hope you are not going to lose this guy after all you have done for him.”

No way! Her dear Kunle won’t do that, she consoled herself. Time certainly would tell. On the day he was travelling out, Kunle stopped by at Shewa’s place to say goodbye and he asked her to see him off to the airport. That was a great reassurance, indeed. Looked like she was the queen of the emotional manor after all. There was no other girl in sight or so it seemed. She began to imagine that their love letters and phone calls would crisscross the globe. She also imagined how she was going to stash these memorable love notes in her dresser drawer. The last set of imaginations that ran riot was when she would finally be reunited with him in Nigeria or having to travel over to join him where he was.

Dreaming? Why not, it is better to dream sometimes. She got back home late that night. Her love was airborne and possibly thinking about her too. This distance relationship was just for a while, ‘everything is going to be alright,’ she consoled herself and smiled. Her smile lit up the room and her eyes creased with joy. Sleep finally came and she saw her sweetheart in dreamland. Good omen? Sadly, the days ran into weeks, months and years but there was no call and no letters.

From friends, she got the ‘didn’t I warn you’ signal. The only information that sipped in came from Kunle’s mother. “Hello, my dear. How are you doing? Please take good care of yourself, mix and have new friends. I don’t want you to get too worried. We haven’t also heard from him directly, he just sent a friend to us recently. Please don’t wait for kunle o. You know all this men can be very funny, you cannot vouch for them.

When I was about your age, I escorted my boyfriend to the airport and I knew it was over. I married the next guy that came my way. That was how Kunle’s father came into the picture, so be sharp my dear.’

The old woman was just playing smart, she knew her son had put someone in the family way. There would be no letters, no calls and their romance was history. After all there were no strings attached from the onset. She simply did not read in between the lines.

THE sore on her left arm was healing already but it was itching. A little scratch here and there appears to be soothing. Just while she was feeling relieved, it got painful and was bleeding profusely. For a lot of people, if the wound itches the tendency is to scratch. Unfortunately, scratching is bad for the healing process. The pain from that old wound reminds her of the emotional wound that she was nursing at the moment.

For a long time, Nkiru’s desire was to have a good relationship and have the best from the emotional world. That proved abortive and right from school it was tough getting a heart that would melt naturally into hers. Disappointed with the emotional trial and error that came her way, she finally left school and went for her national service in Enugu.

Service year was sweet, filled with passionate memories and it was at the peak of it all that she met Chidi. Everything fell into place and it looked like nothing was ever going to change her love for him. “We went everywhere together, laughed around and played like little children. We just could not hide anything from each other and it looked like this was romance made in heaven. As the days went by, I also discovered that we shared so many things in common and never quarrelled for a day.”

Then they got to the point where it was important to seal the emotional deal and get things done formally. Nkiru had also chosen a bridal gown design and a number of other plans were in the pipeline. That naturally should have been the best moment in her life but somehow the unexpected happened. Chidi gave her a call and told her that they could not continue with plans for the marriage. Reason: “My father has insisted that I must not marry a Yoruba girl. My mother tried her best to convince him but he remains adamant. Unfortunately, I respect my father so much and I cannot go against his wish. I actually need his blessings for the marriage to be a success.”

The news hit her like a hammer. It left her dazed for days and even weeks. During this period, she kept hoping that things would change and her dear Chidi would come back to her and say it was all a dream. He didn’t. In the midst of that emotional confusion, she fell ill and went to the hospital. Here the doctor revealed that Nkiru was expecting a baby for Chidi. She called him to tell him about the news and the response was even more devastating than the first experience.

“You must be dreaming! Your plan is to tie me down against my wish. I am sorry, it won’t work. It is over and you can do whatever you like with the baby.” Nkiru decided to keep the baby while Chidi vanished into thin air. It was tough but luckily her mother and friend, Dorcas, stood by her. After that experience, she became very hard on all the guys that came her way. She went back to school and had two masters and went on to pursue her PhD. On the job, she was flying really high and she had many suitors on her trail. As far as she was concerned, they were all inconsequential. He son, Donald, was doing very well in school and he was the apple of her eyes. She loved him so much while the boy adored his mum.

Life for Nkiru was complete but somehow friends and family would not let her be. The song on their lips was, “Nkiru you need a man in your life.” She finally found Tade, an Accountant who attended the same church with her. To her utmost surprise, he had never been married too. He had a good family pedigree and was very simple. His two sisters were also very wonderful and in a short while the wedding bell rang.

The two of them had been emotional victims with wounds inflicted by hearts they once loved. It was therefore a turning point and the emotional wounds of the past began to heal. About two years after the marriage, Nkiru had a daughter for Tade, but somehow she began to notice something strange about her man. He had mood swings and there are times that he gets so agitated and violent. He managed to cope but the major casualty was her son, Donald. Her husband and her son just did not get along and it made her really sad.

One morning they argued over something, and Tade smashed the windscreen of the car the boy was going to take out. Nkiru quickly got out of bed to intervene and he smashed her head with a big stick. It was after this experience that one of Tade’s sisters opened up telling her that he suffered from depression when his former girlfriend deserted him. At this point he was sad and remorseful. This was really dangerous but she just cannot abandon her Tade now. He needs her more than ever, after all the agreement was till death do them apart. Donald would go and stay with her mum so that Tade can have more attention.

TALL, dark and handsome. Those were the qualities she had always wanted in a man. Somehow, she ran into a gentleman who almost fit into her dreams but it just didn’t work out. At a point, Debbie thought it was better to change her emotional criteria and give others a chance. It was at this point that Afolabi walked majestically into her life. Was it a dream come true?

Well, for about 18 months it looked like it was a dream come true. Midway through the love adventure, this lily-livered lover began to make a U-turn. Was it going to hit the rocks and crumble or was it something she could still salvage. At the crossroads, he struck with a wedding invitation with another lady. Shattered, the reality of the game hit her and she is stranded. It took her another two years to stand on her emotional feet again.

Now, she’s dreaming about a man who would be committed; someone who would be ready to keep a long-term relationship. You have to work for it and make sure that the emotional ground has been properly prepared. What you actually need is a ‘mature man’. Maturity does not have to do with age or anything physical.

It’s actually a thing of the mind. An emotionally mature man is a man who would never shut you out the minute things get stressful in his life. He would always be willing to share his feelings no matter what he is going through.

Here we are talking about a man who would allow the woman in his life to ‘see’ what he is passing through no matter what. If you invested energy in a man only to painfully discover that the apple of your eyes is deceiving you or simply could not sustain the relationship, then it can be really sad.

In those good old days, Tayo was actually the best thing in her life and Labake just could not find her bearing without his dose of affection. But to her utmost surprise, the relationship took a deep emotional nosedive. What went wrong? Was it her fault or his fault? Well, she just could not place a finger on what really went wrong.

Interestingly, a lot of women often wonder why the men who once swore to die for love suddenly chickened out of the race.

Naturally, it isn’t going to be for the same reasons because it is usually different love strokes for different love folks. Indeed, there are a number of reasons whether emotional or not that can make a man stick in, no matter the odds, or fall out, even at the slightest provocation.

Growth and moving to a deeper level of commitment in a relationship depends on your determination. You must be convinced about making it work as well as understand that things work differently for a man than they do for a woman.

 If you don’t understand why they should think in a different manner, then you’re likely to have some problems relating with him. Once that special bond is lost then you can be sure that things would begin to fall apart and your ‘love centre’ would never hold again.

Knowing the basic skills and how to make use of these skills can be very helpful indeed. You also need to understand the personality and the crucial role gender plays in the total input and output.

The truth of the matter is that women find it easier to move on to the commitment stage in relationships once they’ve found what they are looking for. It is not so easy with men; first they have to contend with the many ‘love voices’ they are hearing in the background. Sorting the voices can be really difficult for some and even when this is sorted out they move into the next stage.

Here the man in question wants to be sure that he is not being boxed into an emotional corner. He wants to be certain that this ‘love mine’ is for real, that there is something to treasure as he gets deeper and deeper in this love train.

The woman is also at a critical stage too. If there is one nagging question that women love to ask, then it must be what’s inside the mind of the men they love and admire.

If only they had a clue to these burning love questions, then their relationships would not have crashed in the first place. The best thing to do is to try your best to make it work out. You also need to constantly look out for new ways to make it more interesting. Once you have discovered this love tricks then you can start thinking of gaining incredible new insights as you move on.

And when you are moving on, you also need to ask some basic questions like: Is your man able to handle adversity, criticism or even intense politics at work and remain level headed, relatively calm, or even compassionate?

If the answer to these questions is in the negative, then he is likely to be spiteful.

The kind of man who talks about solutions and not problems. Compassion and the ability to handle complex mental and emotional situations without coming unglued or doing negative or harmful things to other people is one of the best signs of emotional maturity  and sensitivity.

In addition, the type of people he spends his time with also matters a lot. A man’s closest friends and peers are one of the very best windows into his mental and emotional world.Does he have any married friends who have stable relationships where both partners are relatively happy and fulfilled? You need to ask yourself these questions about the man you are considering investing your heart in.

GOOD romance can be compared to that haute couture design that you cherish so much and you feel like wearing all the time. It is personal, attractive and something that makes you the cynosure of eyes each time you step out in it. You love to flirt around in it, show off and proud to say it is yours. Conversely, an outfit that is so common and found on almost everyone feels cheap and you would definitely want to have it tucked away in the corner.

The latter obviously depicts romance that has gone sour and brings bitter memories each time it flashes in your mind. Looking down memory lane, you almost wish you never had anything to do with it because it is not worth the while. A wonderful experience is all about creating a mood, touching the senses, cradling the heart, and mingling with each other’s souls; so, be creative.

Romance and intimacy are important spices that are necessary to produce a lasting impression on the person you love and admire. To enjoy a relationship, whatever you are giving must be reciprocated by the other party.

Here we are talking about the quality of the portion of love that is being doled out which must be matched with trust, mutual respect and appreciation of the good deeds. You can therefore be sure that all is well when you add all the parts together and you have a wonderful outcome.

There are times when the affectionate lane is dull and unattractive. When you get to this emotional juncture, you sure need to fashion out ways to cross over without tears. Tears? Yes, they are a necessary part of the emotional itinerary but there is no point crying for the sake of it.

How far you go at this point depends on your partner. You definitely need to be there for one another no matter the odds. If it is the woman who feels like walking then it means that she needs more attention to find her emotional bearing. Here, her better half needs to do more than cuddling just a little bit. Well, if you are the type that is not used to showing off this way, then you may just have to fake it.

The crux of the matter is that women need to feel loved and cared for all the time. Some people believe that with age things should be different. No, it has nothing to do with age at all. From time to time, you need to give her a little pat on the back, compliment her when she’s doing some task or give her a wonderful kiss before you walk out the door.

This certainly would help to sustain the emotional circle and renew the sparks from time to time. Unfortunately, a lot of people do not understand this when things begin to fall apart. Of course, there are a number of signs to look out for and once you come to the realisation that all is not well, then it is better to mend the emotional fence before it comes crumbling down.

The big question here is what you watch out for at this stage. Naturally, there are different phases in every relationship. You need to be on the alert when the love of your life starts to appear more interested in his friends and relatives than in you. Sometimes, there may just be no cause for alarm because it may just be that your partner needs some space.

At that point, all he or she needs is some time to rediscover themselves, especially after a period of intense intimacy. It would surely be a time to take stock and reassess the love process. It is something done to recharge and they are likely to come back better and brighter in the relationship.

It could also be that there is an uncertainty that needs to be cleared. This could be because the person is feeling that he or she is not in the right place and is probably thinking of exploring another relationship option.

Here it is obvious that the person is not getting fulfillment and there is an emotional vacuum that needs to be filled. The truth of the matter is that almost every relationship hits bumps and rough patches at one point or the other.

However, if you spend quality time building special moments and memories, you will have these times to reflect back upon and those moments will certainly help carry you two over the hurdles and obstacles.

Experts advise that keeping the romance alive is an important aspect of a relationship. You need to constantly make time for each other. You have to be willing to set aside special time for each other. The problem, however, is that couples become too busy with their everyday activities and it becomes easier to sacrifice the romance as opposed to finding and making the time for each other.

There is no straight jacket answer to relationship and the many puzzles we encounter from time to time. Problems in relationships are inevitable, yet it is possible to remain satisfied in your relationship in spite of differences.

Your love for each other doesn’t have to be overwhelmed by your differences. The key is to continually work it out and be matured when the uncertainties come your way. It can also get better when you acknowledge that there is a