Category: New Woman

TOLU and Aramide were often more fun and playful in the early stages of their relationship. It looked like a union made in heaven and they were a source of envy to friends and family members.  However, this playful attitude faded gradually as life’s challenges or old resentments start getting in the way. Just when they thought they had it all, it melted away.

The idea of a great relationship is something a lot of people look forward to. Interestingly, it doesn’t always work out this way. In some cases the lovebirds start a process and things just fall into place nicely. Here the truth is that a lot of work goes into the process and life is just smooth and exciting.

If it isn’t, then the emotional war begins and the centre may just never hold again. One basic thing that we need to understand is the fact that there are different phases in a relationship. Here you go from the good, the bad and then to the ugly sides. Conversely, the relationship (s) may start from the bad side, something you didn’t plan for and did not have high hopes about.

However, as you move on, you just discover that this is what you have been craving for all along and the relationship metamorphoses into something interesting and splendid. The crux of the matter, however, is that relationships are usually not so predictable but the most important thing is to put in your best to make it work.

So, the big question would be what it takes to have a successful relationship. The truth, however, is that it takes a lot of dedication, focus, and work. Finding the right person to settle down with can often feel like a very frustrating game of chance. And even when you do find the right one, you’ll still have your work cut out for you as you make an effort to maintain your relationship.

The best relationship advice, according to experts, is “easy does it.” Too often we get caught up in fear-based needs to control our partner. This pull becomes a destructive compulsion that corrodes the integrity of the relationship. It replaces respect and compassion with anger and resentment. It destroys the quality of our lives and over time, the relationship.

This advice has impacted the way many approach romantic relationships creating a new world or space which later allowed for less reactivity, more peace, happiness, and respect.  The classic struggle of all relationships is finding the right calculus in the togetherness-and-autonomy equation. Typically, when a relationship is under stress, one of the partners asks for physical space to break the tension.

This would naturally reduce the tension and help to bring back lost affection and a process of rediscovery begins.

The best way to incorporate space is by being proactive and providing emotional rather than physical space. To do this, lovebirds need to give each other the space to be themselves and to have their experiences without trying to control the outcome.

It calls for a lot of hard work but the rewards are well worth the effort.

A school of thought believes that things get better when “both of you always think about giving 90% to your partner and you both will be very happy.” What this means is that it is always important to think about how your partner is feeling, try to stand in their shoes and be emotionally generous. The other 10% they argue is for the understanding that sometimes it’s also OK to be a bit selfish, to place your needs first, or stand firm on something. They also made clear that this only works if you are both giving 90%.”

A couple who has had a terrific experience shares their success story this way: “I just celebrated my 26th wedding anniversary. I definitely think about my spouse’s needs and feelings the majority of the time and try to be compromising. In return, I feel he is 90% thinking of me and how to consider my feelings and be supportive and loving. Sometimes this means giving something up, but actually most times this means we both get what we want and we both feel very loved, supported, and that we are in each other’s corner. I don’t feel afraid to be giving, because he really has my best interests at heart. We are a terrific team and often we agree on what we want. And when we don’t, we tend to take turns supporting the other’s wants.”

Conversely, some people think it is better to be selfish to avoid having a broken heart. “It’s not my partner’s job to make me happy. It’s my job to make me happy. Of course it’s easy to feel good when my partner is acting in a way that I want —but needing them to be a certain way in order for me to feel good —that’s bondage. Thinking that they’re always going to be in a good mood and directing their affectionate attention towards me — while that may be possible during the initial stage of a relationship, is impossible to sustain long-term. I’m responsible for my happiness. My partner is responsible for her happiness. We deliberately focus on things to feel good in our lives and for things to appreciate in one another.”

IT is a few minutes to 10 pm. The traffic has been really bad and tiring. All you want to do is get home and crash in bed. Somehow you remember that there are a few things on your to-do list that has to be sorted out before crossing over to the next day. The image of a drunken young lady struggling to walk ahead catches your fancy. Her hair, outfits and accessories spell class, almost everything comes with shades of green (natural) and when you move closer you find that she is reeking of alcohol.

“What kind of nonsense is this? How can a pretty young lady be drinking like a fish and getting into trouble,” says a middle aged woman. Yes, she must have been drinking like a fish indeed. This goldfish is likely to have fallen out of the emotional aquarium, out of comfort and she is feeling out of place and confused. A fish (heart) out of water (love) is as good as dead.  “I just cannot believe that this lady drank to this state. I suspect that she may have been drugged by a man (desperate heart) who must have taken advantage of her and now abandoned her,” says one of the judges on the emotional bench. He goes on to paint another likely scenario this way: “Sometimes, I think our girls need to be caned properly. They have become so greedy and follow all kinds of characters especially the old fool’s labelled aristos, all for money. See where this one has landed herself now. The result of this kind of ‘monkeytail’ treatment is usually our girl’s greed for fried snails, cowtail, pepper soup and others.

A falling and fading beauty on the streets. Who or what the hell is this? Could this drunk chic be on a suicide mission? Is she crying over emotional split milk? How did this pretty damsel get into this state? You wonder. You are not alone; a few other busy bodies like yours truly get inquisitive like the cat and everyone begins to imagine what could have happened.

The babe in question has gone blank; it’s so difficult to get any information about where she is coming from or where she is heading to. Sadly, it is getting pretty late and it’s time to vanish to our ‘tents’. Volunteers?  Luckily (or is it unluckily) a volunteer emerges from the small crowd. It’s the king of boys himself (an area boy clad in a jeans and singlet) grinning mischievously. Two of his set of teeth is missing and the others are coloured from smoking and probably eating kolanut. “No worry, I go help her jare. Na she go first drink, abeg if trouble too much na to shak and forget your sorrow oo. Me sef don drink but me I dey see, no be today, welcome to our club.” Laughter, and some comments about her unladylike action. Nicely , he offers a hand to assist her get up on her feet and as she struggles to get her balance she falls into his arms, leaning, clinging and cuddly this god-send for support. They moved on like a pair in love but we all knew that they were strange bedfellows.

Goodbye, the mischievous volunteers wave to us all and the crowd disperses finally.  As you move on, the image of the lady tethering on the brink of alcohol poisoning was more than hilarious. Rather than laughing at her, you just cannot help but pity her. Then your mind begins to imagine what would happen next. Would this Good Samaritan deliver her at her doorstep intact or would he divert the emotional traffic elsewhere? Worse still, you begin to imagine the indignity of her staggering into the thugs’ colony  and becoming a ‘feast’ for the thug and  his other gang, who are probably high on something at that moment of the night.

In the lyrics of ‘Drunk in Love’ by Beyonce, the heart gets filthy when liquor gets in. The thinking cap of faculty would certainly be on sabbatical and just cannot function properly.

Flashing lights at this point are just meaningless. Everything fades and while you try to unravel this emotional mystery, the web is likely to get thicker and thicker. Sadly, it is only when your head clears, possibly after midnight (when the harm must have been done).

Falling in love takes you to a state of mind that you just cannot define at that point. It is, however, worse when you get drunk or resort to drugs to escape from the sad reality that dawns on the victim of a heartbreak. Sipping and getting into emotional fire can be a disaster. So what you drink and the quantity you drink (feelings) really matters.

This takes us to the fruits and fruit salad controversy along the emotional corridors. Here some men claim that women are like fruits and taste better when they are fresh (young). Interestingly, many prefer to have a little bit of everything (fruit salad). Like love ‘salad’, the trick has to do with presentation. It just has to be something enticing to the eyes and pleasing to the palate. Looking good should taste good, but over time taste buds have discovered that it is not what you see that you get.

CAN two broken hearts melt into one? Yes, sometimes two ‘cracking’ hearts can be resuscitated and you could have something that would last forever. A lot of people who have suffered heartaches can still find their missing ribs, if only they look around carefully. Naturally, their emotions have been blown with the winds and they are just managing to hang on. But from this emotional valley, it is still possible to move out and rediscover something new and adorable.

This can only happen when the new bird is sincere and willing to flow with you. Interestingly, this is the situation Noami is experiencing at the moment and she is happy that she allowed her heart to step out of the ‘box’. At a distance, Naomi seemed to have the world in her pocket. Friends and neighbours admired and held her in high esteem because of her rare qualities. She was beautiful in and out. A pretty face, great physique and a large heart. Yet, there was just one snag: there was no Romeo in sight. And so everyone made it his or her business to be a great matchmaker just to find our dear friend a Mr. Right.

“It wasn’t as if I never really found a guy I loved or admired. Unfortunately, he died three months to our wedding. That was a fatal emotional blow, one that I never really recovered from. It actually took me a long while before I started picking the bits and pieces together because my world crumbled at that point.”

He must have been a wonderful guy, the type that you wish to spend a lifetime with. “Yes, he was a rare personality and he transformed my life while we were together. When I got the news from his younger sister I was shocked.”

She kept on wishing it was all a dream and that someone was going to wake her up from this emotional slumber. “Most times, I kept on talking to myself and tell me that it wasn’t true.” Sadly, that never happened and the poor lady’s heart kept on sinking. “By the time I woke up, it was almost too late. All the guys I ran into and admired were all married. I was stuck and the one that desperately wanted my hands were not the kind of guys that I desired.”

 From that point, yours truly was on the receiving end and hung on to life as an emotional beggar with little or no choice at all. Just when she thought that her emotional gates had been padlocked for life, another heart came passing by. “We met at a friend’s wedding anniversary. I knew that all our friends would be at the event and they would all be popping the same question at yours truly. But again, I was lonely and I needed something to fill up this vacuum. To make things easy for me, I had told myself not to take any question seriously and just make myself happy.”

Like she imagined, almost everyone turned out for the event. Two great minds locked together as one sure deserves everyone’s time and attention. I sat in a corner and tried to tuck myself away from familiar faces. Unfortunately, one of the busy bodies finally caught up with yours truly. She was clutching a male hand bag and because I hadn’t seen her in a long while, I imagined he was her ‘property’.

Well, it turned out that my assumptions were wrong. This was actually another matchmaking episode and yours truly was at the centre of the script. “Hello dearie ! How are we today? I just saw that you don’t have any company and I thought I should introduce my cousin, Ajibade, to you.”

“Nonsense! Can’t these people realise that life is not all about having a partner. Who says that I am lonely without a busy body around me? Trust Shade, she zoomed off almost immediately and didn’t wait for my opinion on the matter. What I am going to do with this emotional garbage that she dumped on me? We kept starring at one another liked dundies and I felt like running away.

“Wait a minute! It is not fair to sit on the fence and assume that you are better than the other person. So, I had this desire to help. Poor heart, only God knows who has wounded him this badly. But can two broken hearts melt into one? Then suddenly he opened his mouth and started talking. Well, he wasn’t as bad as I thought and in a short while this familiar stranger wormed his way into my heart.”

The truth of the matter is that a man can be just as afraid or even more afraid of rejection than you are. In order for a man to overcome “shyness” or even his fear of rejection, he has to feel pretty confident in himself or in the idea that if he were to ask you out, you’d respond with a “yes.” Secondly, if you’re always surrounded by a group of people, he may not have the opportunity to be free with you.

If he’s never had a one-on-one conversation with you, where you’re leading with attraction and flirting back, he may not feel too sure of the situation. This is why it’s important that if you want to maximise the chances that a man will follow-up with his attraction for you, you may just have to find a way to engage him. This way he would definitely discover that you are both interested and available.

IT has been a very busy and hectic day. Now it’s a few minutes past 6pm and in your mind there is that sigh of relief, thank God the day is almost over. The only part left is the journey back home, light food and straight to bed. Sweet dreams too! It won’t be nice to let it all end with a nightmare. That certainly would be a bad way to begin the next day. As usual, the roads are quite busy. A sea of heads, tired faces and the traffic is rather slow too. You then begin to do a quick calculation of when you are likely to get home and somehow, you just don’t want to think about the stress.

Thirty minutes after, the traffic gets better but again you are stuck in another just when you thought it was time to finally heave a sigh of relief. More tired faces and limbs and you get worried as you see everyone struggling to move ahead. No catwalks here, almost everyone is doing the sluggish thing but there are a few champions though, their pace is faster possibly because there is so much distance to cover and less time to do this.

It’s also stubborn crowd and they just do the wrong thing even though the horns are at full blast, shouting and screaming is also the order of the day.

The direction of traffic gets predictable, but, suddenly, the flow is disrupted and there is a small commotion.

 Oh dear! Everyone runs for dear life. It’s a cow and unfortunately, this cow is angry. Is it a rebel that has refused to conform to the order of things or is the cow just trying to escape from someone or something? Nobody has the gut to arrest, fight or discipline the cow in spite of the confusion it has created. Sadly, it has no ‘number plate’ for identification. The herdsmen who are in charge have also run out of ideas, it is not just responding to the whips and lashes.

The maddening crowd was, indeed, very interesting to behold from a distance. You just cannot imagine the mood swing that took place instantly. Looking dull and tired a few minutes before the encounter and in a few minutes what you have is frenzy, lots of energy just because something upset the process and jolted them to reality.

Like this cow, the emotional cow is out of order, does not listen to ideas, usually very stubborn and no matter how much you shout and cry, this heart would only do what it wants to do, feels like doing and often bring tears to you no matter how hard you try.

Somehow, we can’t really blame Mr. (or Mrs.) cow. He is obviously angry and frustrated with everything around him because it has been tales of betrayals. There is so much love around, but somehow he is not getting the kind of love that he desires. The love that we pretend to give is to make it fat and ready for consumption. So why won’t this mad cow deal ruthlesslessly with hearts that come his way when it knows that their mission is to seduce him, make him fall for something only to discover that what he is getting is not what he thought it was originally?

 The demands from the emotional slaughter slab can also be very annoying. Who won’t be as bad as our emotional cow especially when you know that you are heading for the slaughter slab, no matter how big or strong you have become?

Cows like humans also go through stress and it’s important to understand your partner’s body language so that you do not get the attack of a lifetime when you think all is well. Showing care, love and attention brings out the best in the other person.

Interestingly, it has been recognised that the dairy cow’s productivity can be adversely affected by discomfort or maltreatment. For example, healthy calves, cows, and bulls will exhibit a good stretch after they get up, then relax to a normal posture. Yet, higher rates of standing, oftentimes with an arched back and with their head and ears lowered, are taken as a sign of discomfort or discontent in studies of cow and calf confinement.

Affection is usually identified with emotion, but actually these are very different phenomena although closely related. Whereas the emotion is an internal individual response which informs of the survival probabilities that every concrete situation offers affection is a process of social interaction between two or more organisms.

Considering the use that we make of the word ‘affection’ in everyday life, it can be inferred that affection is something that can be given to others. We say that we “give affection” or we “receive affection”. This way, it seems that affection may be something that we can provide and receive. On the contrary, emotions are neither given nor taken, they are only experienced by oneself without the requirement of any other person.

Unlike emotions, affection is something that can be stored or accumulated. On the other hand, our experience teaches us that giving affection is something that requires some effort. Taking care, helping or understanding another person cannot be carried out without an effort. Sometimes, we don’t realise the effort made.