The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • There’s fire on the mountain!

    Temilolu,  I’ve been sexually active since age 12 and since then viewed my body as a means of making money. I have lost count of the men I’ve slept with. I have had 2 surgeries including a laparoscopy to remove an ovarian cyst. I have been to a therapist who believes all I need is to go through deliverance. I am not the spiritual type. I have just myself. My family has left me because I am a dog. I now have 3 guys I’m sleeping with and I know I can’t end up with any of them- 1 is married and 2 are Muslims. I went to a catering school and learnt how to bake cakes and make small chops. The only problem is how to say no to sex and stop seeing it as a merchandize. I just can’t do without it. But I believe I can live without sex and be contented with the little money that comes my way.

    20-year-old 300L-Student

    Dear Aunty Temilolu,

    My body hurts! I can end up anywhere. I haven’t been myself and was dull and bored until I saw a picture of a girl on face book having sex. It then dawned on me that my body wants sex. I want to part my legs so high. I want to have sex, real good sex. My body is hungry and on fire. Please tell me what to do.

    Loretta

    Dear 20-year-old, 300L Student,

    Honestly, I’m greatly saddened by your plight but very glad you know there’s a problem. I called your number but it’s been switched off. I wish your family had spent more time loving you and motivating you to the path of righteousness. A child needs to be reprimanded when he/she does wrong but ought to be lovingly guided back to the right track. I think your parents contributed to your way-ward life style because if they had laid a proper foundation to start with in your impressionable years, you probably wouldn’t have gotten involved in sex at such a young age. And your spiritual dullness has only made it so easy for the devil to turn your life to his playground. But he has failed because I know the mighty power of God hit you hard and arrested you when you read this column. Whether you believe it or not, your deliverance has begun and you are not a dog, in fact God is ready to show case you to the world! No doubt, you need to go through a good number of sessions that would purge your life of every defilement. Do you know if the number of guys you have slept with have slept with 25, 30 ladies, you have a part of them in you? Amongst other things, your life has also been polluted with their troubles and there has been transference of spirit. Also, you are spiritually married to everyone you’ve ever slept with and if you don’t separate yourself from them by breaking all the soul-ties, you may have problems getting married and eventually marry the wrong person. I am not scaring anyone but that’s the basic truth. MAY GOD OPEN UP EVERY READER’S SPIRITUAL UNDERSTANDING!

    My darling, precious, glorious, dignified, world-famous and heavenly celebrated Nigerian sisters,

    “Can you not see that the man who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? Scripture says, ‘The two shall become one flesh.”1 Corinthians 6:16

    Whenever there is sexual intercourse, there is created a bond which is very difficult to break. The sexual partners become one body. If you are not married to this person but are one body with him or her, that is a type of slavery and bondage which opens up your life to a serious demonic invasion. That’s one of the reasons why Loretta wants sex badly. Besides, lust is a spirit which easily creeps into your life when you are not spiritually minded. Such temptations are brought about by carnality. Please surrender to God and take charge of your colorful destiny rather than have it trampled by the devil in the valley of life!

    Dear fans of Girls Club,

    Are you still engaging in pre-marital sex? Each act devalues you! Your wonders are waiting to start. God is waiting for you to become a Secondary virgin! You are most welcome on board the chastity campaign train and Girls Club is open for all girls and ladies. Please text your name, age, school or occupation and State of domicile to 07086620576.

  • A learning curve

    LOOKING for a partner? Yes, that is the feeling for many out there. The desire at this point is to magnetise that dream man or woman. The expectation is also usually very high. First of all, we look for the perfect image; someone who looks good and has a good carriage. For lovebirds that are lucky, they find the kind of soul mates that they desire but unfortunately for them, they later discover that the emotional search has only just begun. This is because a great face and good physical attributes do not necessarily translate into a great heart.

    Relationship problems are hardly anything that we want to experience in our relationships, but they are an inevitable part of spending time with another person. The crux of the matter here is that nobody is really perfect and it’s impossible for anyone to actually be perfect. And, realistically, why would you want to be with someone who is or appears to be? There’s no growth and learning that comes out of that. Life like love is indeed a learning curve. A combination of the good, the bad and the ugly. You try, try and try again.

    Patiently, you can get the other person to see the bad spots and together make a difference. When we tend to have the desire to want to “change” our partner forcefully, then there would be some resentments or confusion. Our action here stems from this inner desire to control the other person. It’s rooted in the thinking that “they” are the ones who need to change and not ourselves.

    This is a distorted belief that stems from our ego (fear-based mind), which blocks us from truly experiencing real genuine love. So it is important for us to be willing to recognise our own desires to control or change your partner and set the intention to let it go whenever it comes up.

    Even when your heart is not in control, you just have to be smart and not become a desperado. Solomon loved Aderinola so much, and like the thermometer, all he did was to monitor the emotional temperature from time to time. Unfortunately, the lover boy was not in control. In a relationship, it is better to function like the thermostat and not the thermometer (mugu), if you must be in control.

    The thermostat senses the temperature of a system so that the system’s temperature is maintained near a desired set point. The thermostat does this by switching heating or cooling devices on or off, or regulating the flow of a heat transfer fluid as needed, to maintain the correct temperature. Modern thermostats interestingly are almost exclusively digital, but in the past what we had were non-digital thermostat.

    To love someone means to accept the other person for who they truly are – flaws and all. Even the heart that you so desperately crave forgets to say happy birthday, wastes money or things you do not like or talks too much in public, you just have to love him or her. Unfortunately, a lot of people find it so hard to accept the other heart this way. They argue and argue over the same things all the time. Instead of getting the change desired, the other heart gets hardened and gradually they begin to fall apart.

    A school of thought actually describes love as a battlefield, but anyone with emotional wisdom and skill would know how to manoeuver the emotional process without stress. Once you master the ‘tricks’, you would also be able to help others get through their emotional challenges. On your fingertips would be skills of how to cure a broken heart, make someone jealous, or just ease your own loneliness,

    If you want to be successful in your relationship, it is better to always look at the pros and cons of every decision you take or intend to take. If the outcome is good, then we all smile but if it is the other way round, then it is important to think of alternatives that will give that soft landing desired.

    For instance, when you choose to date or marry someone, you’re not necessarily choosing the person. Rather, you’re choosing the problems that you want to deal with that emerge in your relationship with that person.

    Let’s face it: When we’re in a relationship, problems are inevitable. No matter how hard we try, we simply just can’t avoid them. When we’re with one person, the problems may be much more challenging and difficult than with another person – but it doesn’t mean that there aren’t any. It’s simply the by-product of being in a relationship.

    Dr John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Method Couples Therapy, states that 69% of the problems that we deal with in our relationships are never solved. What determines whether the couple stays together or not relies on whether both people are able to accommodate and accept the traits and characteristics of their partner that irritate them.

    Seeing that statistics can be pretty disheartening, but it can also be empowering, because it shows the importance of taking personal responsibility. We have the power to control our own behaviour, actions and reactions. And we have a choice as to how we want to behave and even if we want to be in a relationship with a person with that one trait that drives you crazy.

  • Like mother like daughter

    DEAR Aunty Temilolu, I was a proud virgin until last month when I missed my period and discovered I was pregnant. The shock was too much for me to handle as my boyfriend never went all the way but played with me and our bodies responded the way it would when two people engage in sexual intercourse. Certainly, a stray sperm got into me. I had to terminate the pregnancy though he didn’t tell me to. I terminated it majorly because I didn’t want to end up like my mother and grandmother. My mother had me that way and till today she’s not married to my father or any man. Also, my maternal grandmother whom I presently live with never married my maternal grandfather as she also conceived my mother out of wedlock. I didn’t feel good committing an abortion but had to do it to save myself from future trouble. However, I can’t stop feeling bad. Please what do you think?

    Tomilola 21

    My darling, precious, glorious, dignified, world-famous and heavenly celebrated Nigerian sisters,

    Hmmm…Sigh! Girls…girls…girls…how many times did I call you?  Life is a lot much more than boyfriends, smooching, sex, dressing to kill, “talking eyes,” Brazilian hair, body shaper, buttock enlargement etc. Too much concentration on your physical beauty to attract guys not only gets you into trouble unconsciously a lot of times but also distracts you from concentrating on your spiritual beauty and working out your destiny. Yes! If you love dressing to kill to get guys drooling over you, some day, you’ll fall into the hands of a guy that would kill your destiny. The devil is very clever and knows how to set traps for those who rely on their sense and sensibility to get what they want out of life instead of depending on God to sort them out. So many of you reading this are in serious trouble  and not enjoying life today because of your parents’ ignorance and failure to sufficiently work on their spirituality and destinies and marry the right person. Nevertheless, you are not a mistake. God knew you before you were formed in your mother’s womb and has fantastic plans for you; a much better life than that of your parents but expects you to work it out with fear and trembling.

    Tomilola’s evil family pattern caught up with her and she decided to outsmart it by committing an abortion. I tell you, she would have been better off not terminating that pregnancy. Abortion is a sin of a great magnitude in the eyes of God because it entails the shedding of innocent blood and carries its consequences. Also, who knows what special assignment the terminated child was sent to carry out in the world? Perhaps a prophet sent to save his generation. I pity a lot of girls who terminate pregnancies; they can’t all get away with it. I can only pray along with Tomilola that God who decides whom He’ll have mercy on would have mercy on her.

    There’s someone reading this column who is afraid of getting married because her father turned her mother’s life upside down while another is turning out a termagant just like her mother who showed her father “pepper” and ended up marrying three men and having children for all three of them. If care is not taken, such a girl would end up marrying five men. There’s yet another reader who has lived an unstable life and experienced hell being sent to live from one cousin’s place to another because neither of her parents could fend for her. While there’s another who is suffering in the hands of a wicked step-mother or father being maltreated on a daily basis with no one to come to her rescue. While another’s destiny has been satanically diverted and she doesn’t know.

    Girls, what happens to our parents usually end up happening to us if we don’t take extra care. It becomes a family pattern and an unpleasant one could completely destroy God’s glorious agenda for one’s life. Sadly, too many parents are so spiritually lazy that they fail to support their children spiritually and equip them against such evil patterns. One of the ways the devil shuts your eyes from seeing pits that could redesign your life, make it even worse than your parents and make life most unenjoyable is the lust of the flesh/ungodly sex. It makes you spiritually dull and unable to follow the right path to your destiny and avoid the pitfalls on the way. Funny enough, we all have access to the power that can subdue the flesh and see clearly. I charge you to have a deep relationship with the Holy Ghost, let God be the sole driver of your destiny and place you where you rightly belong. Eventually, you will have peace, joy, prosperity and the most amazing sex all the days of your life. There’s time for everything! Okay? God bless you!

  • Haunted by the past

    KAINE was in the departure hall at the airport when a jolly good fellow walked up to her with a smile. The dude in question looked great at first sight but somehow he did not fit into her picture of an ideal guy. As if he was reading her mind, he simply introduced himself as Terry. Did he make any impression at this point. No he didn’t! Reason: Her heart had been flung out of emotional flights, from heights that you just cannot imagine and there was no space for love.

    The last straw was actually unbearable and her heart was battered beyond recognition  by the pilot. Interestingly, our dear Stanley is not the type who takes no for an answer. Babes hardly say no because the dude in question looks good, has sugar coated tongue and the figure of love. What exactly is going on in her emotional black box, he wonders. She is bleeding terribly on the inside, memories of crashed relationships, memories of cheaters as confidants and emotional hijackers are vivid.

    Not again, this heart is certainly not ready to fly .The Romeo also discovered that she was lost in her thoughts and decided to repeat his name . Somehow it got her thinking. Two can fly? Not yet! It is a fifty-fifty chance and she naturally began to explore the possibilities. Why not!You can fly to places with a  guy whose name sounds like ‘ terrific’ . But again, wait a minute , this same name sounds like terrible you know.Confusion galore, handsome dudes like this type often go around with lots of extra luggage .

    Should she give it a trial? Why is she wasting so much time making up her mind? The truth is that you can’t really blame her, she is  still haunted by the past. For Kaine, romance is always good only in storybooks and novels. Almost every romantic adventure has shown that the love flight is not her strongest point. After a few crashes, she changed directions and played the fool in order to fly lovingly to  chosen emotional destinations.

    Sadly, the last adventure was stalled by her beautiful half sister, Amanda a few months ago. So how did she get into the emotional mess you ask? Amanda came home after Youth service and needed a place to stay. Having a large heart , Kaine took her in and they literarily shared everything together. Amanda unlike her sister was very sociable  and had a number of hearts in her kitty. This naturally makes her no threat but unfortunately Kaine was wrong. Secretly , she fell for her sister heartthrob  and co-piloted the emotional jet.

     Haba! Isn’t she an emotional sadist? Couldn’t she have looked elsewhere  instead of playing around with someone else’s feelings. The harm has been done and the emotional flight has been grounded by this desperate half sister (stowaway). The plane (the guy) has been abandoned and was remorseful for being an accomplice. He pleaded for a second chance? Unfortunately, the motivation to fly (love) was gone. Dealing with betrayal, blackmail or anger can be terrible for hearts that love totally. However, it is very important to move on to avoid carrying around a belly filled with animosity  (stranded).

    Interestingly,some lovebirds have actually learnt to fly and perch in the right place to avoid being causalities in an emotional crash.

    The big question is why would anybody think of suicide or murder just because you’ve lost a heart. Of course , it is a sad lose but it does not mean the end of the world. What should naturally come to mind is to move on and look for positive filler (s) for the vacuum created.

    A stoway is obviously running from something, running to somewhere or just wants to get back at something. One of such cases was a woman who plotted with her boyfriend to gun down the man’s wife as the couple was walking with their toddler son on  the street . That sad incidence happened about four years ago but instead of achieving her emotional goals, it earned her a 30 years sentence in prison..

    Even if you love someone so much, there should be ways of winning that heart over. You don’t have to kill someone to get what you want, getting too desperate about someone you love would make you do something that would actually make that heart to detest being with you and this way your desperation would work against you.

     If you have found yourself at the emotional departure hall please cheer up, make yourself happy and be consoled that it was meant to be that way. Don’t get worked up over what you cannot change or have control over.

    If you are the one who has broken emotional protocols, then it is better to search your soul, try and figure out what you have done wrong, apologise if you can and then get back to the emotional tarmac. Conversely, if you do not forgive those who hurt you, or those you think have hurt your emotions, then you are likely to get into more trouble. Here you would be dragging the emotional suitcase of ancient history, looking for flights that have been cancelled or crashed.

  • Re: Help! My daughter wants to commit suicide!

    LAST week, I shared the story of a woman who has been in a loveless marriage right from the very start.  She got pregnant for her husband who was her first boyfriend and in fact deflowered her. And he was practically forced to marry her. Since the beginning of the union, he has taken care of her needs and that of their children but their home has always been cold. In recent times, he married a new wife and seems to have come back to life, now appearing with a spring in his steps and a cheery smile. He left for a new house he built to live with his new wife but comes back to his first home to spend 2 nights each week not because he misses anyone but because he has to supervise his business here in Lagos. He hasn’t stopped providing his family their basic necessities but there’s fire on the mountain. Over the years, Hakeem has constantly warned his wife and their daughter, Mope against having a child outside wedlock and in fact threatened to throw them not only out of his house but out of his life. Now, Mope who is 19 and in her 3rd year in a private university in Nigeria is pregnant. If found out by the university authority, she would be rusticated immediately. Mope has been missing from school and home and only communicates with her mother on phone. Though she was kind enough to tell her why she disappeared, she wants to terminate the pregnancy while her mother doesn’t have the heart to support evil and lose her daughter; she’s also scared to lose the only man in her life and all the comfort she’s ever known. Some readers sent in their advice.

    Dear Madam,

    If I were in your shoes, I’ll stand by my daughter. She’s made a terrible mistake but you cannot disown her over a loveless marriage for the sake of losing all. Her father (not your husband because you never had one) has another life with another family. You stand the possibility of losing a child if you go on to have her commit an abortion. Let your daughter know how disappointed you are but stand by her, show her love and support. Her father in time will have a change of heart and if he not- good luck to him. Your place is with your children.

    Abimbola Adelegan

     I really want to thank God for bringing this woman to a decision she would have taken years ago. I believe this will also be an eye opener to some of our ladies who decide to park their fast moving cars behind a stagnant one. Why would a lady be bearing children for a man who detests her and all she represents? Experience has shown that a man who detests you will never cherish your children, meaning I expect her to have opted out of that union after the first child. If the first pregnancy did not change him, neither the second nor the fifth will and that has been proved in this case. Please note, I am not trying to be judgmental here but I feel bad when I see some of our ladies sacrificing their peace, joy, intelligence, education, resourcefulness and sometimes their life for a mirage with their two eyes wide opened. My candid advice is for you to agree with providence by confronting the issue headlong. Tell your husband about the pregnancy; let him know abortion is not an option. If he insists on sending you all out of his house, involve his family and if that fails, inform the child welfare team (I know the Lagos state law is very supportive in that regard), they will invite him and force child support fees on him while you remain in his house or he might get a conducive apartment for you and your children, his capability and status will determine these, so head or tail, you will win. I only hope you are not a full time housewife. Your freedom is guaranteed, but you’ll need plenty of courage to see this through.

    Kola Olanipekun

     Dear Temilolu,

    I read the story of the daughter on a suicide mission. It’s a matter of what goes around comes round. That lady was born that way-out of wedlock. Whether the father wants to hear or not, the truth must be told, but diplomatically by family elders. The issue of the university must be addressed first. She may defer her course for a session on either heath grounds or travel. Good luck.

    F.M.Abdul

    Dear Madam,

    With your love and support, your daughter can have a safe delivery and still return to school to build a future career. Regarding the father’s attitude and threatening behavior, there must be some family members who can appeal to him and talk sense into him. Your daughter has made a mistake and all she needs now is the love and support of her parents.

    Chief ‘Tunde Oke,OON

    Dear Madam,

    I imagine what you are passing through right now and your daughter’s emotional state which is more worrisome. You’ve been through and gotten used to a loveless marriage but this girl whose father’s lack of warmth probably drove her into the arms of a young man who swept her off her feet may not be able to stand the pain of being rusticated from the university while in her 3rdyear. This is very unfortunate but you have to follow the righteous path and make your daughter understand the rewards in spite of the looming trouble and rejection she may face. Believe it or not, you set this pattern and perhaps because you concentrated too much on trying to make your husband love you, you forgot to ensure your daughter didn’t follow your footsteps. No point crying over spilt milk. Please be strong for your daughter’s sake and surrender all to God. Who knows, this may be a turning point in your lives and may eventually lead you into the life you both deserve. God will always support the righteous.

    Pastor Temilolu

  • Dissipating energy on the wrong medal

    A lot of people love to run because they enjoy the challenge, want to burn calories, desire optimal fitness or just want to support a cause. While it comes with some advantages, it also has a number of disadvantages too. It could put you at the risk of a number of injuries (heartbreaks), especially when you fail to get the right gear (confusion), flagrant violation of the rules or fail to follow a progressive training plan.

    A Marathon runner, Barbara Tatge, made headline news after sharing a kiss with a mystery male spectator. Lonely and desiring a heart, her imaginations ran riot on the tracks. While sleep walking (running), she thought she had found the miracle man, the type she had been dreaming about all this while. Interestingly, Tatge was running in her first-ever Boston Marathon when she was dared by her daughter, Paige (the emotional referee), to kiss a random man as she passed through the town of Wellesley, Mass.

    “I accepted my daughter’s good-hearted dare of reversing the Wellesley tradition,” Tatge said, referring to a town tradition where women give kisses instead to male runners. Unfortunately, reversing the rules around the emotional corridor always turns out to be a jinx. So how did it go for our dear Tatge?

    “And a good natured man accepted my request for a photo.” Tatge then kissed a male spectator on the sidelines wearing a hat, jacket and plaid shirt. The kiss was photographed and quickly went viral.  It was just too good to be true. Paige then began a quest to locate her mom’s lip-locked fan by reaching out to the Wellesley Townsman newspaper a few weeks ago.

    The emotional bubble burst suddenly. This time around it wasn’t the mystery man who ended up replying to Paige and the newspaper’s request. Rather, it was his wife, the real owner of the desired heart. The wife, who wished to remain anonymous, verified her claims by submitting photos of the clothing her husband was wearing during the kiss.

    “When this story aired on the news, we were pretty surprised,” the mystery man’s wife told the Wellesley Townsman. “For me, I’m not mad. Believe me, our friends have gotten a lot of mileage out of this story and I have thoroughly enjoyed watching them give my husband grief!

    “I greatly admire your spunk and courage and wish you many happy races in the future. Congratulations on your Boston finish!” Heartbroken Tatge says she has been overwhelmed by the positive support following the kiss, and plans to change up her running and lip-locking strategies in future races.”I won’t be kissing random strangers along the route,” she said. “I suspect he will stand further back in the crowd of spectators at future races. Right now my plan is to try to qualify for 2017. I want to come back to Boston most definitely,” Tatge told the Townsman. “Moving forward I will revert to only kissing single men.”

    The crux of the matter here is that the affectionate race is highly competitive. So many other hearts are competing for the heart(s) you desire. It is a test of your ability and you need to prove that you are fit for the race. Winner takes all? Yes, that unfortunately is the fad along the emotional corridor. You either make it or do not make it. There is nothing like falling along the way or being almost there.

    A marathon covers a long distance, has different phases and you must prepare well, as well as hand over the baton to someone who shares the overall vision. Running, sweating and panting are all part of the process, but there is no point dissipating energy on the wrong medal (someone else’s guy). Salivating for the wrong medal automatically takes you back to the start and not the finishing line. Just finishing a marathon is a goal itself and a worthy goal at that. Others could just be time goals, pace goals and qualifying goals.

    If you are hesitant to make the move at the right time, you may just lose your treasure (s) to emotional champions. Those who understand the value of teamwork, sharing, and proper training as well as a cheering crowd also master the route.

    To avoid getting stuck in an emotional rat race, you must get your act together from the onset. Once the whistle blows, your best bet is to keep running ahead; there is no looking back to ensure that you are successful. It is only when you have your eyes on the medal and come tops that you get the emotional standing ovation. Always strive for gold (the best hearts around) because this would also guarantee your ratings with emotional coaches and referees.

    The essence here is to agree, share ideas with fellow athletes and run with it as fast as you can. Those who have mastered the tracks (hearts) succeed by setting records which ultimately set them apart from others.  Unfortunately, lots of hearts have slowed down on the tracks and they are bugged down with arguments, frustrations, defeat and tales of betrayals.

  • Left in the lurch

    WATER, water everywhere and none to drink. This comes to mind when you compare what’s going on with the fuel scarcity at the moment. A car (heart) without fuel (love) is useless. It can’t go far. Even if it is a brand new car, with gadgets that are fantastic, you are not going to go far if you can move it (heart) at the pace you want.

    Fueling (loving) a car (heart) sounds easy but when it comes to the nitty gritty of it all, you discover that it is a very complex (whims and caprices) process. The routine of washing the car, servicing it at the right time would determine if you are in charge or not. In addition, choosing the appropriate fuel is important because this can also mar the process. Adulterated fuel, like adulterated love, takes you to the ‘End of the Road”.

    Timing is crucial. It is wrong to do the last things first. Experts actually advise that it is better to fuel the car in the morning and not in the middle of the day because heat creates vapour, which leaves space in the tank. Some people can also be miserly with the way they dole out their affection. Interestingly, fuel experts warns that doing the refueling (loving) once in a while may damage the fuel pump (heart) or wear out the filters (emotion).

    The driver of the car should be in charge and know when to fuel and refuel the tank without stress. Sadly, there are times, when those in the emotional saddle discover that their emotional tank has been emptied and they are stuck. That is what ought to have happened to a bride recently. Unfortunately, things just did not go as planned. She dreamt of love, imagined it during the day and looked forward to the physical actualisation of the forever happy-ending kind of tale she had read so much about.

    Unfortunately, this was not to be. Just when she thought that she had the emotional world in her pocket, the emotional thief and pickpocket strolled in and had the last laugh. It is worse when you are cruising on the emotional highway with a heart that does not know what he wants. That was exactly the scenario that she found herself.

     Her dream man changed his mind and walked away. He chickened out at the last moment and she was back to square one. That is a bad dream and nobody looks forward to this in a relationship. Sadly, it is the reality for many. Just imagine how you would feel like as a bride being left at the altar under dramatic circumstances.

    An empty aisle. It should have been love, but it is over. Emptiness, bitterness and frustration. Tears and more tears. The emotional turning-point can be explosive. It starts with a small spark that spontaneously combusts and starts a wild fire that just can’t be controlled. Poor dreamer, you still wish that it wasn’t true. Sometimes, you wish that the flames will die down. But when it ignites just before the most daunting commitment of your life, the blaze seems to blind you from seeing the forest for the trees. All the truth of the matter is that many of us just cannot imagine living a lifetime in that kind of heat.

    A bride recently fell into this category and no matter how hard she tried; it was difficult putting this emotional miscalculation behind her. “All this left me with a wedding and no groom.”

    The harm had been done but she decided to make the emotional exit memorable in her own way. So she called her photographer in tears and decided to have a photo-session without the groom. Instead of canceling photography coverage, the heartbroken lovebird decided to use the photos to help the healing process.

    She was really strong and came to the realisation that she could have a wedding if she turned her mind to it.”What I learned is that a wedding is something entirely different from a marriage,” said Jones. “A wedding is about all the people and things that come together to witness two people get married. A marriage is just about the bride and groom. So when my entire family decided to come to New Orleans anyway and see me through the aftermath, it became evident that all the same people and things that made up my wedding still existed. There just wasn’t going to be a marriage. Truthfully, I couldn’t see anything optimistic at first. I was just grateful I wasn’t alone.”

    Interestingly, the source of her inspiration was the photographer. “It wasn’t until my photographer suggested doing a photo-shoot anyway that I realised something truly beautiful happened out of all the ugliness. It was the first time my entire family was together in one place, just for the sake of being together, for over a decade or more. And they all came together to hold me up. Somehow, the solidarity and seeing and feeling unconditional, forgiving love radiate from them made the pain of my ex-fiancé’s decision almost irrelevant. In the armor of my family’s strength and support, I could face the battle of heartbreak without fear or humiliation. I cried. I laughed. I sang. I danced. And somehow, in an indescribable way, I won. Did I get married? No. Do I still have a lot grieving and healing yet to do? Yes. But all of that will be okay in time because, in t

  • Help! My daughter wants to commit suicide!

    HELLO Temilolu, I am in great trouble and don’t know what to do. My daughter has cast a great shadow over my life and I simply don’t know where to turn. I’d give you a background of my marriage so you can appreciate my predicament. I married Hakeem in my early 20’s as soon as I graduated from the university. He was the man who deflowered me and it resulted into pregnancy. He was rather reluctant to marry me; I discovered he was not in love with me. However, his father swore to disinherit him if he refused to marry me. All my life, I never had any lover before him. In the first few years of our marriage we were not always together most of the time as he shuttled between Nigeria and the U.K. This only made things worse. I thought things would get better when he finally settled down in Nigeria but it only got worse. I’ve made an effort over the years to express my love and have a good marriage but Hakeem has never shown me true love and when a man is not reciprocating your love, you get tired of trying and eventually begin to dislike him. In essence, I’ve never enjoyed my marriage. I can’t even say we are friends. Neither do I look forward to love making between us, he never makes me feel wanted. He has always treated me like he’s only tolerating me. When our children were little, he hardly spent time with them, he was never around most of the time and whenever he was, he never played with them. However, right from their childhood, he’s provided all their needs to the best of his capability and sent them to good schools. And right from when our children especially my daughter reached the age of puberty, he would always tell me to look after my daughter and threaten to send my daughter and I packing and shut us out of his life if she ever came home with an unwanted pregnancy. This terrified me a lot and I ensured I monitored my daughter as much as possible and pleaded with her not to get too close to any guy.

    A few years ago, Hakeem married a younger girl as we all expected would happen and it’s as though the girl brought him back to life. He suddenly developed a spring in his steps. This broke my heart but I had to accept my fate. Not long after, he moved to a new house he just built in Ibadan and left us in the first house he built here in Lagos-where we’ve all been living over the years. So, what he does is to come to Lagos each week and spend a night or two. And I can tell you he comes to Lagos not because of us but because of his business. He never stopped providing our necessities regularly but the distance between us widens each day. I tried everything I could to divert his attention to me but all my efforts remain futile till this minute.

    My daughter Mope is 19 years old and at the tail end of her 3rd year in a private university in Nigeria. We’ve always had a close-knit relationship and while I visit her every second Sunday of the month, she comes home at the end of every month. As I prepared to visit her a few days ago, I called to ask her what she needed only for her to tell me I would never meet her in school and that she was going to take her life if I don’t support her decision. “What happened?” I can hear you ask. She discovered she’s 4 weeks pregnant for her boyfriend who has no qualms with the issue but she would certainly be rusticated from the university if found out. Now, on the other hand, we have her father to face. What in this world would I tell her him? How would I face him and tell him his daughter is pregnant? How can I support my daughter to terminate a pregnancy? Please help!

    • Readers are free to send in their advice and suggestions to 08172677902 (sms only)

  • She loves him, but he hurts her

    It was the happiest day in Shade’s life because she had a date with her Romeo. But deep down, she didn’t really know how to handle this relationship that was one-sided. She loves Biodun so much but he was always telling her lies, he was always elusive, always getting angry at the slightest provocation, as well as doing a number of things that hurt and make her sad.

    A lot of times, it is difficult to rationalise the things that go on in some relationships. Most times, the heart that should make her heart happy turns out to be the one causing her pain, the blackmailer and the one who sees nothing good in all she does. He actually goes to town painting the love of his life black and you wonder if there was love in the relationship in the first place.

    Nobody loves to be unloved. What a woman desires is love, attention, as well as appreciation. She puts in her best and waiting for her Romeo to go to town to tell everyone who cares to listen that he has found a priceless jewel in words and deed. Surprisingly, what she gets is shock and not a pleasant surprise. First, tales of a number of escapades with characters, known and unknown, hit her like shockwaves.

    Just while she is recovering from this, he confides in some of her friends that she bewitched him and lured him into a relationship. Now that he is wiser, he desperately needs his freedom, freedom to be with hearts that are more loving, hearts that know where the mumu buttons are located.

    Tears? No need for that! It probably won’t change anything. The truth about the emotional terrain is that the rules are flexible, personal and sometimes, you just do not have any control over it. You can even compare it with making sense of something that doesn’t make sense. After all, how else do you explain loving someone who doesn’t treat you lovingly?

    There are times when the heart you cherish goes a step further to justify the unfair treatment that you are getting. Unfortunately, being with someone who doesn’t love you the way we need or deserve can be a great source of frustration. Just because you love such a person, you continue with the hope that, one day, he or she would change. Sadly, they never really change and they may actually make you do the things you never planned to do.

    Interestingly, it is usually better to look at the mind of the abuser rather than the victim. This makes it easy to recognise what the problem is, as well as the signs of abuse. As you take a deep look at relationships in this category, you would discover that the abuser is also a victim of some sort. A personality that probably has a complex; has been abused or feels bad about something. You would also discover how those who abuse the people they claim they love and tend to brainwash their victims by taking over their personalities.

    Research has shown one of the main reasons why people put up with abuse in their relationships is pity. The person who is being abused often feels sorry for the person who is abusing them and this can be hard for others to understand.

    They surround, or attempt to surround, that person with themselves and they try to keep everyone and everything else away from their “core” for fear of losing it. Abusive partners often hide the fact that they are weak and vulnerable. They replace their “core” self with the “core” of their partner.

    The problem with a relationship like this is that the person will feel threatened by anything they do not feel in control of. If their “core” tries to have a life of “its” own, they feel threatened.

    Abusive people inspire pity because, when they are at the risk of losing their partner, their panic and pain is massive. This is because, for them, they are literally in danger of losing themselves and their whole world starts to fall apart.

    Abusive people hurt the people they love the most because in their effort to try to control, they attempt to stop the person with whom they are enmeshed from being an individual separate from them. So they try to control every aspect of their life, including who they talk to, what they do in their free time, who their friends are, and what they believe and think.

    The more entrenched an abusive person’s partner becomes in their “core” the more control they need over that person. They begin trying to control every part of the other person’s life up to, and including, their mind. They often try to replace the thoughts and feelings of their partner by, in a sense, brainwashing them.

    One of the most important skills in life to create harmonious relationships, reduce stress and enhance emotional awareness is empathy. Being empathetic requires skill and can be tricky at times. When you relate to another person’s feelings and needs, you build connections.

    It is also important to note that the best way to get what you want is to ask for it. You also know that the best way to avoid getting what you don’t want is to say “NO”.

    What happens frequently is that the selfish partner dominates the relationship with their needs and wants and burdens their partner with loads of expectations.

  • My daughter disappointed me!

    My daughter disappointed me!

    Dear Temilolu, You have been doing a great job spreading the message of chastity to our girls even in this perverse generation. Thank you. I was informed that sex education yields results from parents and having followed your column decided to educate my daughter on the need for chastity. I covered areas such as the feminine reproductive organs, signs and effects of puberty, rape, its consequences, how to avoid it etc. To my greatest surprise, I got to find out last year that the same daughter had been sexually active since she was eight and is now nine-plus.

    It all started when my wife laid on the bed one day and my 4-year-old son climbed on her pretending to make love to her. I asked him who taught him and he told me he had been watching his big sister. He told me anytime we were away from home; our neighbour’s 15-year-old son would come into the house and have sexual intercourse with my 8-year-old daughter. I also discovered that other boys usually came to the house and each time her mother sent her to charge her phone at another neighbour’s house, she’ll go missing for hours. I was too dazed and in great shock for days. I didn’t even want to be near her, least of all discipline her by caning her. Eventually, I had to summon courage, reprimand her in the best possible way and put her back on the right track. She then promised to stop all that.

    Unfortunately, I had to lecture her on all her mother should have enlightened her on and this has made me so unhappy with my wife because of her laxity towards our daughter’s upbringing.

    Not long after, I discovered that not only was she failing in her academics but anytime she was asked questions on even what was taught on the same day, she would go blank. And in November last year, I was invited by her head mistress and was told she was caught writing love letters. That was too much for me to bear and I beat her so much in great grief. Though I took her to my pastor who suggested we embarked on a 3-day retreat of fasting and praying, which we did. Her grades in school are still below average. I feel so disappointed and wonder why and where things went wrong. I have lost hope in her. How can I help her again? Thanks.

    Mr. J

     

    Dear parents,

    Why are a good number of you sleeping and allowing the devil take over your joy? These kids God has mercifully given you are not only for signs and wonders but your future. They are to take care of you and save you from living a life of hell on earth when all the chips are down. Why can’t you concentrate on them now and guide them on the way to go, rather than allow the devil turn them to his playground? Mr.J, I sympathise with you. But there’s a solution that would change your daughter’s life forever no matter what she has done at such a tender age. It is the word of God. Even if you take her for countless deliverance sessions etc, the greatest yet is the word of God. She needs to have her mind renewed and her spirit fired up to ward off any foul spirit that’s overcome her mind. The spirit of fleshly lust and confusion has taken over her mind and it has to be expelled by all means.

     

    “For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit…”

    Hebrews 4:12

     

    For the next one month, please get two verses appropriate to her situation and get her to memorise and meditate on the two along with you before she goes to bed. I mean two different verses daily. You need to sit beside her and let her master these verses and recite them by heart till it resonates in her spirit. I’ll tell you what will happen to you both next Sunday and other steps you may take. May God bless you sir!