The Nation Newspaper

Category: New Woman

  • Mend the fence before it crumbles

    GOOD romance can be compared to that haute couture design that you cherish so much and you feel like wearing all the time. It is personal, attractive and something that makes you the cynosure of eyes each time you step out in it. You love to flirt around in it, show off and proud to say it is yours. Conversely, an outfit that is so common and found on almost everyone feels cheap and you would definitely want to have it tucked away in the corner.

    The latter obviously depicts romance that has gone sour and brings bitter memories each time it flashes in your mind. Looking down memory lane, you almost wish you never had anything to do with it because it is not worth the while. A wonderful experience is all about creating a mood, touching the senses, cradling the heart, and mingling with each other’s souls; so, be creative.

    Romance and intimacy are important spices that are necessary to produce a lasting impression on the person you love and admire. To enjoy a relationship, whatever you are giving must be reciprocated by the other party.

    Here, we are talking about the quality of the portion of love that is being doled out which must be matched with trust, mutual respect and appreciation of the good deeds. You can therefore be sure that all is well when you add all the parts together and you have a wonderful outcome.

    There are times when the affectionate lane is dull and unattractive. When you get to this emotional juncture, you sure need to fashion out ways to cross over without tears. Tears? Yes, they are a necessary part of the emotional itinerary, but there is no point crying for the sake of it.

    How far you go at this point depends on your partner. You definitely need to be there for one another no matter the odds. If it is the woman who feels like walking, then it means that she needs more attention to find her emotional bearing. Here, her better half needs to do more than cuddling just a little bit. Well, if you are the type that is not used to showing off this way, then you may just have to fake it.

    The crux of the matter is that women need to feel loved and cared about all the time. Some people believe that with age things should be different. No, it has nothing to do with age at all. From time to time, you need to give her a little pat on the back, compliment her when she’s doing some task or give her a wonderful kiss before you walk out the door.

    This certainly would help to sustain the emotional circle and renew the sparks from time to time. Unfortunately, a lot of people do not understand this when things begin to fall apart. Of course, there are a number of signs to look out for and once you come to the realisation that all is not well, then it is better to mend the emotional fence before it comes crumbling down.

    The big question here is what you watch out for at this stage. Naturally, there are different phases in every relationship. You need to be on the alert when the love of your life starts to appear more interested in his friends and relatives than in you. Sometimes, there may just be no cause for alarm because it may just be that your partner needs some space.

    At that point, all he or she needs is some time to rediscover themselves, especially after a period of intense intimacy. It would surely be a time to take stock and reassess the love process. It is something done to recharge and they are likely to come back better and brighter in the relationship.

    It could also be that there is an uncertainty that needs to be cleared. This could be because the person is feeling that he or she is not in the right place and is probably thinking of exploring another relationship option.

    Here, it is obvious that the person is not getting fulfillment and there is an emotional vacuum that needs to be filled. The truth of the matter is that almost every relationship hits bumps and rough patches at one point or the other.

    However, if you spend quality time building special moments and memories, you will have these times to reflect back upon and those moments will certainly help carry you two over the hurdles and obstacles.

    Experts advise that keeping the romance alive is an important aspect of a relationship. You need to constantly make time for each other. You have to be willing to set aside special time for each other. The problem, however, is that couples become too busy with their everyday activities and it becomes easier to sacrifice the romance as opposed to finding and making the time for each other.

    There is no straight jacket answer to relationship and the many puzzles we encounter from time to time. Problems in relationships are inevitable, yet it is possible to remain satisfied in your relationship in spite of differences.

    Your love for each other doesn’t have to be overwhelmed by your differences. The key is to continually work it out and be matured when the uncertainties come your way. It can also get better when you acknowledge that there is a problem and you both talk about it.

  • Falling helplessly in love

    GARBAGE in, garbage out. This naturally means that what you give is what you should get in return. Scientifically, this phrase holds water. This perhaps talks about the ideal situation in love, the fifty-fifty kind of love, according to Teddy Pendergrass’ song ‘When somebody loves you back.’ He goes on to tell his fans that what you get maybe sixty-forty or the seventy-thirty kind of balance. So, for many, getting the fifty-fifty kind of love looks like ‘fallacies’ on the emotional terrain. The calculations usually depend on mood swings, external factors as well as the other inaccuracies synonymous with our emotions.

    In Damilola’s case, what he got in response was even less than ten per cent from the heart he almost died for. It was a close shave, indeed. Luckily, he survived the emotional odds that would have swept him out of existence. Interestingly, his younger sister had warned him about falling helplessly in love with this gal but somehow he got so carried away.

    On the fateful day, he decided to stop by at Naomi’s place without giving her prior notice. When he got to her place, he was happy to see her car parked in the usual corner. Thank God, his sweetheart was at home. He had good news for her and thought it was better to keep it as a surprise. The front door wasn’t locked and so he walked straight into the living room which was also deserted. Some empty bottles and glass cups on the table indicated that Naomi had company. Friends and family? Hello!

     Yet no reply and he decided to take the search further. Some noise came from the bedroom area and the door was also opened. This was his home too and this was actually the best time to verify his status as the emotional CEO. Oh dear! This can’t be true, what is happening in here, for God’s sake? His fiancée, Naomi, was in bed with another man. Damilola lost his voice and was heartbroken. Was his dear Naomi remorseful? No, she wasn’t. Instead, she ordered him not just out of the room but out of her life.

    “Now that you have seen what you want to see, please get out and don’t ever come back here again. I have been looking for ways to tell you that what I feel for you isn’t love and now that you have given me the opportunity to do that, please go away. It is all over.” Her words hit him like stones. It was as if someone was throwing stones or lemon at his face. He stepped out and walked away. In his heart, he began to ask himself some pertinent questions. Was this what he deserved from this babe? What if he did not go to her house that day? Could it be that he had been a fool all this while? Questions, questions and more questions, with nobody to proffer answers to the emotional puzzle.

    The only thing she could decode from the mystery was the fact that it was all over. Instead of picking the broken pieces and moving on, he became so depressed. On a daily basis, the man cried, thinking of Naomi dearest. Friends and relatives urged him to put her behind him. Sadly, it was hard doing this; she had occupied every part of his body and soul. No matter who he was with, where he was and what he was doing, Noami stole the show. One day, he left home without his car because of traffic, and when he was coming back home, the traffic was really bad. To make up for the lost time, he decided to go across the express. In a jiffy he made it through the first half and by the time he was about to go across to the other side, he fell flat on the ground. Flashlights ahead and before he could recover from this grand fall, a commercial bus was a few metres away.

    Luckily, the bus veered off just in time to avoid crushing Damilola’s bones. He saw more headlights but just could not move his legs. Could this really be the end? His instinct then told him to roll over back to the sandy part. He did that just in time and for the next five minutes he was shaking all over. He would have been gone, just like that; all because he was thinking about someone who did not care about his feelings. A heart that had been lost, taken over and repositioned elsewhere.

    The crux of the matter here is that losing a heart that you cherish is not the end of the world. Naturally, it hurts but then there is nothing you can do about it. Like the emotional horse taken to the affectionate river, you cannot force anyone to love you. If love hurls lemons or stones in your direction, it is better to shake off the pains and move on. It is better to squeeze the juice that is sour, add sweeteners and you get lemonades. This would quench the emotional thirst. Interestingly, this is the era of recycling and you can also recycle your emotional garbage.

  • Can I tell my fiancé my father deflowered me?

    MY name is Funke and I was raised in a family of four comprising my parents and my younger sister. Neighbours and family members fondly called me oyinbo because of my fair and beautiful complexion. My parents didn’t appear happy with each other as they were always at loggerheads. More so, my father was an incurable alcoholic who would rather spend his little income on alcohol and women of easy virtue.  He was also violent and I remember him beating up my mother at the slightest provocation not minding the effect the fights could have on us as little children. She left the house a number of times to my grandmother’s house taking us with her but for some reason or the other we would always return home to my father who was never remorseful but seemed to have a grip on my mother. To worsen the situation, he never bothered about our education and my mother was saddled with the responsibility of paying for our basic needs, education and even our feeding.

    Before long, I began seeing my mother with a strange man who would come to her shop and sit there for hours. My mother appeared to be very happy whenever he was around and he always had gifts for us whenever he came visiting. Before we knew what was happening, my mother moved into his house and never returned like she always did. This time around, she didn’t take us with her and left us with our irresponsible father who eventually sent my younger sister to his sister’s house and ensured he cut us off from our mother. Life was hell; I cried always imagining what discomfort my sister was going through in my aunt’s house. We didn’t have phones and had to manage the little stipend we were given. Looking back, my mother didn’t appear keen on seeing us because even though our school was changed, she knew how she could get in touch with us. Coping in school was very tough as we were always sent back home for late payment of school fees. Also, we never had the recommended text books neither would my father pay for extra coaching classes.

    A few weeks to my final exams in my 6th form, while sleeping, I suddenly felt a heavy weight on me and fingers roughly fondling my genitals. I was really tired and at first thought I was dreaming. When I felt my pant being removed, I opened my eyes and got the shock of my life. It was my father on top of me and before I could scream, he over-powered me and covered my mouth. I was too frail to push him off me. He had his way, raped me violently and deflowered me. I flinch whenever I remember the pain I went through that night. The next morning, I reported the incident to a neighbour who gave me some transport fare and I ran to my maternal grandmother. It was a very bad and disgraceful situation for my father because his family and my mother’s family got to know about it. That was the last time I ever saw him. Shortly after the incident, I passed out from secondary school with low grades and didn’t even bother dreaming of going to the university for a degree course since there was no one to pay my fees.

    Eventually, I decided to train as a hair dresser when I clocked 18 after doing nothing but staying at home with my grandmother. After my 2-year training, I began working in a salon but before long I was sacked for reasons I can’t quite explain. Within that same year, I worked in four different salons and always ended up being dismissed on very unfair grounds. Luck didn’t just appear to smile at me and I met with a lot of disfavor as my co-workers didn’t just like me and always got me into trouble. Once again, I was able to get employed to another salon, this time a prominent one and I got along very well with the proprietress who said I looked like her younger sister. One of her friends always insisted I made her hair and before long she invited me to her house for home service. I met Kunle her younger brother who had just arrived from Germany and he fell in love with me. If I were fetish, I would have believed my charm worked on him because he was head-over-heels in love with me and my pedigree was certainly no match to his. But prior to that time, I never even considered having a boyfriend because I just could not get over my sexual ordeal with my father. Since Kunle came into my life, things have never been the same. Sometimes, I pinch myself to be sure I’m not dreaming. Right now, Kunle is back from Germany again and wants us to get married and go back to together. My worry now is that a good number of my family members know what my father did to me and I fear the envious ones could tell him. Do I tell him myself or just keep quiet and go ahead with the marriage? I am very troubled!

  • Time to move on

    IT’S over and done but the heartache lives on inside. This lyric from Mariah Carey’s song, Destiny child, captures Desola’s mood at the moment. The events of the last two weeks woke her up from emotional slumber and she is now in the realm of reality.

     Tears, tears and more tears. Would the tears stop running, would she find love again or what can she do to get out of this emotional mess ?The first two months was a disaster but gradually she began to pick up the pieces again. On the surface, it looked like all was well but, deep down, our dear friend knew that she needed a break to get over the emotional ordeal. She decided that it was better to take a break for six weeks.

    Her half sister lived in South Africa and she thought this was the best time to pay her a visit. It was something that she had always wanted to do but, somehow, she found it difficult to make out the time.

    It was fun and in a short while Desola met new friends and it helped the healing process. She attended a number of parties and social events . Unfortunately, a week before the end of this memorable holiday, Desola had a car accident.

     What a pity! The pain was simply unbearable and the trauma made her forget the sweet memories she had just experienced.

    The first few days and weeks were very traumatic for her. The head and arm ached so badly and she wondered why it chose to happen at this point. As a matter of fact, the strain reminded her about the bitter memories from her last relationship.

    Falling passionately in love with someone is one of the most exhilarating feelings that you can experience. First, it catapults you to the sky, making you soar as if you had wings and you are flying high in the sky. Conversely, when love ends, it feels as if you have been dropped like a rock in mid-air. You scramble to grab a hold of something, just anything, as you witness your body falling at great speeds, and then shattering in ways you never imagined.

    Whether we’re talking about breakups, or facing the reality of a one-sided romance, it is painful. So much so that it disrupts our normal flow of experiences, causing us to not function normally.

    Sometimes, the pain of lost love is so intense that it can shake our beliefs about romance and relationships. When these emotional bruises are not understood and have not healed properly, they become invisible baggage that drag with us into the next relationship.

    When we fall in love with another person, we are essentially experiencing the love that was within us all along. The person is merely acting like a mirror reflecting our soul back at us. Technically, we can’t “fall” in love, because we are already made of love. The other person, much like a musical instrument, is the catalyst allowing us to recognise the beauty that’s already within us.

    Because of our lack of understanding that love resides within us, and that we actually have the power to invoke it on our own, we credit it to the other person for giving love to us. This feeling is so strong and extraordinary that we become addictive and possessive. We want to capture it and keep it fixed, so that we can  at last  keep this heightened feeling forever.

    One other thing that we need to understand is that everyone and everything is in a constant flow of change. The changes in us and in our external circumstances are inevitable and undeniable. When we change, the dynamics of our relationships change  not just romantic ones, but also friendships, family ties, and our relationships with co-workers.

    Over time, some relationships strengthen and some grow apart. When people grow apart, it doesn’t mean that either one of them was a bad person, but rather that they’ve learned all that they needed to from the other person, and that it’s time to move on. To make a relationship work, no matter the odds, it is better to always trust and try to forgive. You must also remember to focus on the things your partner does right, not only what he or she does wrong.Positive reinforcement is an age-old concept used with children and even the training of animals. But it’s still important for fully grown adults too.

    Assigning blame will cause the other person to either get defensive or feel worthless. Neither of those feelings promotes peace in a relationship. When blame enters into the conversation then one person becomes the victim and the other becomes the reason why bad things are happening. Does that sound like a platform for a loving and peaceful relationship? You are in this relationship together and assigning blame just creates a separation in your partnership.  Resist the temptation to assign blame, band together, and work through the situation like partners.

  • Guys, your chastity is your strength

    DEAR Aunty Temilolu, There’s a saying that “anyone who pushes you closer to God is your real friend.” You are more than a friend to us. A person of understanding is an outstanding person. You are really outstanding. Aunty, do you know that every charitable act is a stepping stone towards heaven? I’ve been reading your column since its inception and my life has never been the same. Thank you so much for encouraging me. God will continue to bless you in Jesus name. I love you dearly.

    Adeola Adeyemi, 16 (P/H)

    Madam,

    I have been following your column in The Nation on Sunday and it has been a blessing to my life. Ma, why is it that a larger percentage of the so-called sisters in church run after sex? As a young guy, my relationships crash because I refuse girls sex and if I try to explain life to them, they walk out on me.

    Tosin

    Dear Aunty Temilolu,

    I am a 19-year-old guy and still a virgin. However, in the last few months, my girlfriend has mounted serious pressure on me to have sex with her and I really don’t want to. What do you advise, please?

    Mike

    TO ALL THE MIKES & TOSINS OUT THERE

    I must not fail to congratulate you for being wise enough to preserve your life because any form of fleshly lust wars against the soul which is not only the seat of our entire existence but the source of our intelligence and knowledge out of which comes everything we do with our lives. Now, what happens when it is contaminated or polluted? The result is a life of bondage and slavery under the devil who is meant to be permanently under your feet. I tell you, a real man is one who cannot be controlled by that which he should be master over. MEN, PLEASE THINK ABOUT THIS.

    The whole world lies in great mystery and wickedness and the devil-our common enemy is raging so wildly and wishes to have a grip over as many destinies as possible and dispossess them of their natural entitlements. One of such ways as we emphasise here is ungodly sex. Why would you want to go against your source-God and live a life of struggle and hardship? The devil has turned too many girls and women to weapons of mass destruction because they refuse to have a deep relationship with God and have a grip over their souls. The devil cashes in on their superficiality and possesses them with all sorts of bad spirits that they might not even be aware of. And just one of these bad spirits which are virtue vamps, could divert the course of a man’s destiny. Now, can you imagine what happens to a man who would sleep with anything in skirt? He’s finished because he’s sleeping with multiple partners with probably a legion of demons. What a waste of life! I tell you, a lot of men would have fared better in life if they guarded their loins jealously. No matter how successful a man is, as long as he is still engaging in ungodly sex and fighting the source of his existence, he isn’t where he is destined to be yet!

    Mike, try and convince your friend to stay chaste but if she won’t stop troubling you, please run away from her before she gets you into trouble. You never can tell the destiny you carry and what it requires to manifest in full force. Would the biblical Joseph have ever become the prime minister of Egypt at such a young age, if he succumbed to Mrs.Potiphar? NO!

    “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.”But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

    Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;” 1 Corinthians 6:16-19 (NIV)

    MAY THE SPIRIT OF GOD OVERSHADOW THE LIFE OF EVERY MAN READING THIS IN JESUS NAME! AMEN!

  • A bird willing to fly with you

    CAN two broken hearts melt into one? Yes, sometimes two ‘cracking’ hearts can be resuscitated and you could have something that would last forever. A lot of people who have suffered heartaches can still find their missing ribs, if only they look around carefully. Naturally, their emotions have been blown with the winds and they are just managing to hang on. But from this emotional valley, it is still possible to move out and rediscover something new and adorable.

    This can only happen when the new bird is sincere and willing to flow with you. Interestingly, this is the situation Noami is experiencing at the moment and she is happing that she allows her heart to step out of the ‘box’. At a distance, Naomi seemed to have the world in her pocket. Friends and neighbours admired and held her in high esteem because of her rare qualities. She was beautiful in and out. A pretty face, great physique and a large heart. Yet, there was just one snag: there was no Romeo in sight. And so everyone made it his or her business to be a great matchmaker just to find our dear friend a Mr. Right.

    “It wasn’t as if I never really found a guy I loved or admired. Unfortunately, he died three months to our wedding. That was a fatal emotional blow, one that I never really recovered from. It actually took me a long while before I started picking the bits and pieces together because my world crumbled at that point.”

    He must have been a wonderful guy, the type that you wish to spend a lifetime with. “Yes, he was a rare personality and he transformed my life while we were together. When I got the news from his younger sister, I was shocked.”

    She kept on wishing it was all a dream and that someone was going to wake her up from this emotional slumber. “Most times, I kept on talking to myself and tell me that it wasn’t true.” Sadly, that never happened and the poor lady’s heart kept on sinking. “By the time I woke up, it was almost too late. All the guys I ran into and admired were all married. I was stuck and the one that desperately wanted my hand were not the kind of guy that I desired.”

     From that point, yours truly was on the receiving end and hung on to life as an emotional beggar with little or no choice at all. Just when she thought that her emotional gates had been padlocked for life, another heart came passing by. “We met at a friend’s wedding anniversary. I knew that all our friends would be at the event and they would all be popping the same question at yours truly. But again, I was lonely and I needed something to fill up this vacuum. To make things easy for me, I had told myself not to take any question seriously and just make myself happy.”

    Like she imagined, almost everyone turned out for the event. Two great minds locked together as one sure deserves everyone’s time and attention. I sat in a corner and tried to tuck myself away from familiar faces. Unfortunately, one of the busy bodies finally caught up with yours truly. She was clutching a male hand bag and because I hadn’t seen her in a long while, I imagined he was her ‘property’.

    Well, it turned out that my assumptions were wrong. This was actually another matchmaking episode and yours truly was at the centre of the script. “Hello, Dearie! How are we today? I just saw that you don’t have any company and I thought I should introduce my cousin, Ajibade, to you.”

    Nonsense! Can’t these people realise that life is not all about having a partner. Who says that I am lonely without a busy body around me? Trust Shade, she zoomed off almost immediately and didn’t wait for my opinion on the matter. What am I going to do with this emotional garbage that she dumped on me? We kept starring at one another liked Dundees and I felt like running away.

    Wait a minute! It is not fair to sit on the fence and assume that you are better than the other person. So, I had this desire to help. Poor heart, only God knows who has wounded him this badly. But can two broken hearts melt into one? Then suddenly, he opened his mouth and started talking. Well, he wasn’t as bad as I thought and in a short while this familiar stranger wormed his way into my heart.

    The truth of the matter is that a man can be just as afraid or even more afraid of rejection than you are? In order for a man to overcome “shyness” or even his fear of rejection, he has to feel pretty confident in himself or in the idea that if he were to ask you out, you’d respond with a “yes.” Secondly, if you’re always surrounded by a group of people, he may not have the opportunity to be free with you.

    If he’s never had a one-on-one conversation with you, where you’re leading with attraction and flirting back, he may not feel too sure of the situation. This is why it’s important that if you want to maximise the chances that a man will follow-up with his attraction for you, you may just have to find a way to engage him. This way, he would definitely discover that you are both interested and available.

  • Can I be a Secondary Virgin (II)

    THANK you so much aunty Temi. May the Lord bless this ministry. May your efforts produce virtuous future mothers who will nurture our Nation to greatness in Jesus name.

    Mrs. AdenikeDurojaiye

    My darling, precious, glorious, dignified, world-famous and heavenly celebrated Nigerian sisters,

    I’m glad to be with you again today and believe with all my heart that you are on your way to becoming a secondary virgin and recovering your lost virtues. I know a lot of change is on-going in your lives and I can’t wait to hear your beautiful success stories.

    You would recall I described a secondary virgin as a person who, after having engaged in sexual intercourse, makes a commitment not to be sexually active again until marriage. And the first tip I gave on how to become one is Mental Renovation which is a spiritual renewal of the mind.

    1. PRAYER

    Every sexual intercourse carries a heavy spiritual significance and not only creates a covenant that bond two people together, it forms ungodly soul-ties, transfers a lot of evil and virtues from one life to the other. All of these are one of the devil’s ploys to thwart our glorious destinies. You have to pray for the fullness of the spirit of God to be able to suppress the desires of your flesh and enable you stick to your decision to become a secondary virgin. You need to pray out all the evil that may have been transferred into your life and a recovery of your stolen virtues. You also need to pray to disconnect yourself from your sexual partners. Sigh! Girls…girls…girls…pray, pray ooo! And be holiness personified so that God can answer you quick, quickly! (Please visit my blog for prayers). Now, check this out-

    “I in them, and thou in me, that they may be made perfect in one;”

    John 17:23 KJV

    “I” represents Jesus, “thou” represents God. And that we may be made perfect in one! You can be perfect says the one who has the final say over our lives. Beware of wet blankets. Your star must shine! Start praying!

    1. Be a chastity crusader

    You’d recall I earlier mentioned ungodly sex is one of the devil’s ways of stripping us of our virtues and stars. A lot of girls never knew what they were headed for and with no proper explanation of the facts of life by those who should look after them (who perhaps are not even aware of the dangers of ungodly sex), innocently danced to the rhythm of their bodies and lost a lot of goodies. Now, check this out-

     “And they that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament; and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars forever and ever.” Daniel 12:3 KJV

    In case you don’t understand that, Good News Bible says “The wise leaders will shine with all the brightness of the sky. And those who have taught many people to do what is right will shine like the stars forever.” Whoa!  What this means is that when you decide to abstain from being sexually active i.e. all forms of satisfying yourself sexually including masturbating and you want to recover with speed whatever virtues you have lost, you could just preach to every girl around you on why it is so important to remain chaste and be sold out to God. What a good God! Do you know the more you evangelise to others, the more the spirit of God inhabits you and the more you acquire the much needed power to subdue your flesh and command the good things of life to come your way? Your prayers will also carry fire and power. I beg you, if you know you have a star that has been suppressed or your life is downhill instead of uphill, please start campaigning for God and see how the enemies of your destiny will end up your footstool. I see someone’s original destiny exploding and shaking the world within a few months.

    To crown it all, why don’t you strike a deal with God? Ask Him for your greatest heart desire or something so big, you don’t even believe you can get from Him in return for your chastity and commitment towards Him. This deal could change the lot of your entire family; make you greater than the greatest in your family. You will be free from all forms of sexual harassment because God will take sides with you and deal with any man who harasses you, you can never lack, you will have good grades, a fantastic job etc. The best things in life will fall on your laps with ease and of course you could end up marrying the best man in the world, specially-designed by God for your life. I assure you in the name of the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob! I wish you a happy new life! God bless you all.

  • Making the wrong choice

    A number of times, we like to be nice to the other person. At such moments, we believe that our silence would be golden. Unfortunately, this is not always the case because the other person continues to take you for granted.

    Too bad, how come what you have been avoiding is happening to you? Could it have been better if you had had the confrontations earlier on? Is it a fallout of the words you aren’t saying, the red flags you’re ignoring or those eggshells you’re tiptoeing around? If our happiness is chronic and unending, then maybe we aren’t addressing something that needs to be seen.

    He had put in so much in a relationship that turned out to be the worst experience in his life. He got blamed for things he knew nothing about and just when he thought it was better to tell his own side of the story, he got reprimanded again and again. His heart certainly had been raked over the coals and he just does not know where to start from.

    Friends and foes all think he must travel that route again and they begin to give him tips and likely options. His heart was still blank. Naturally, an old flame came to mind. Great idea, they had some unfinished business that was interrupted by a rude heart. It was a sad experience because the intruder did not fill the vacuum that he left behind. Instead, he created a bigger hole in the heart of the girl he really loved and abandoned her in a lonely emotional corridor.

    Yes, he was still in love with that babe but again so many ‘stinking’ waters have passed through these emotional waters. The truth of the matter is that Cynthia is not likely to be the same again. Her heart has been battered so badly and then she may also be feeling guilty about making the wrong choice. Those who have seen her recently also say that she has become a shadow of her former self and it won’t be easy rediscovering love in this battered terrain.

    So, he concluded that it was better to move on and allow this sleeping ’emotional ‘dog to find love elsewhere or rest in emotional peace.

    To survive on the emotional terrain, you just have to keep the flame burning nicely. Two wonderful hearts at the beginning have warmth, but as time goes on the warmth within may just not be enough to keep you going and soaring to your dream heights.

    You must replenish with coals that would make you glow and burn nicely. You can only do this when the heart that you are cruising with is compatible and when the charcoal of affection is of good quality. The heat from such this emotional tangle must be mild, warm and soothing. However, if the heat is harsh and wild, then you are in for trouble. You are not likely to find emotional peace except you get a fire extinguisher to set you free.

    Now, it was obvious that he had been chasing shadows and that earned him so much criticism and frustration. A new emotional flame certainly sounds better, fresh, as well as untainted. This sounds better and he just cannot afford to go though the experience he had been through in the past. Falling in love with Cynthia had actually cost him so much and at a point he almost thought it would be impossible to move on with the pieces.

    When you rake someone over the coals, you criticise them severely for something that they have done. You reprimand them for some wrongdoing.

    Raking people over the coals was something that was practiced in Europe a few centuries ago. If people suspected that you were practicing witchcraft, or that you didn’t believe in things that the church said, then you were accused of being a heretic and dragged over red-hot coals of a slow fire. If you survived the ordeal, then you were declared innocent. If you didn’t, well it was just too bad.

    It is therefore important to understand the issues as well as how to handle it properly. If you’re keeping score in your relationship, then there will always be a loser. You’ll never have a 50/50 split, right down the middle, through each and every season. And if your scorecard is full of markings and deductions from the past  like that time he stormed out and you felt abandoned, then you’re sowing the seeds of resentment. It’s better to let go, and let it be.

    One important fact is that every relationship requires sacrifice and compromise. It also includes taking care of yourself, enforcing your boundaries, making time for the things and people who bring you joy, and prioritising your needs.

  • Can I be a Secondary Virgin

    DEAR Temilolu, I just read your article of Sunday, April 3 on virginity and I agree with you totally on your piece. I’m proud to congratulate my daughter for making me proud when her husband “met her.”

    A proud parent

    A secondary virgin is a person who, after having engaged in sexual intercourse makes a commitment not to be sexually active again until marriage. This comes with a lot of determination, discipline and training of your soul, eyes, ears, body, your entirely life. And it all starts from the heart. You have to be mindful of what you fantasise about, what you watch, what you read, what you listen to, what you wear and so many other things that could tempt you. You may have to cut off some friends. It may not come easy because we are surrounded by so much rot in individuals and in the social media but hey, there is a powerful force which can take us far above everything that could get in our way. Whoa! I can’t wait to share it.

    Sex was designed by God to be enjoyed by two people married to each other but sadly, the enemy of our existence – the devil daily uses it to war against humanity and deprive us of the goodness of God (believe it or not). Girls, ladies and women as well as the male folk all over the world need some serious mental renovation which I’ll be discussing today.

    Mental Renovation

    This is a time-tested and the most potent weapon in curbing the desires of the flesh.

    “Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of life.” Proverbs 4:23

    What this means is that the mind is the seat of our intelligence and it determines what happens in our lives. As such, wrong thinking brings wrong action while right thinking brings right action. Unfortunately, the devil fights for the mind of men to control their thoughts and control their lives. He has instant and immediate access to anybody’s mind. He has a complete picture of our thoughts and imagination including our motives, intentions and secret ambitions. He is familiar with every weakness and strength that we have and can plant whatever he wants in our hearts if we allow him. Now, how can one fight this corruption of the mind? You’d recall I mentioned a super force that can help us out in last week’s article. Now, check this out…

    “Then he answered and spake unto me, saying, This is the word of the Lord unto Zerubbabel(Morounke, Chidinma, Fatima), saying, Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the Lord God of hosts.” Zech.4:6

    What a good God! He has all the answers to every challenge He knows we have to deal with. He expects us to live a victorious life by being filled with His spirit which is the spirit of holiness-doing things God’s way, resisting the devil and fleeing from all appearances of evil. And we are even told that as many as are led by the Spirit of God are the sons of God. Now, if you are a son (daughter) of God, would you feel comfortable sitting with girls who would only talk about sex? Would there be unholy thoughts in your mind? Would you watch pornography? Would you masturbate? Would you wear seductive clothes? Would you succumb to the pressure of guys to engage in sex? NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!

    Sisters…Sisters…Sisters…how many times did I call you? Hmm…you are missing a lot! You were created for signs and wonders and you have to shine like the star that you are this year. Surrender your lives completely to God today. Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Saviour today and let him control your life and lead you to your original glory!

    You’d recall I earlier defined virginity as a state of being untouched, unexplored or unspoiled but I never mentioned the hymen which is a membrane which partially closes the opening of the vagina and whose presence is traditionally taken to be a mark of virginity. The hymen could be torn as a result of sexual intercourse, sports, gynecological reasons and so on. Now, do we call a girl whose hymen is intact but who performs all other acts of ungodly sex a virgin? And on the other hand, there are girls whose hymens have been broken by other means but any form of sexual activity and yet they’ve never kissed a guy.  I also defined a secondary virgin as a person who, after having engaged in sexual intercourse makes a commitment not to be sexually active again until marriage. I underlined the above term because it entails all forms of satisfying your body sexually and it all starts from the heart. This is why the first tip I gave on becoming a secondary virgin is MENTAL RENOVATION! There’s much more coming your way on this topic. However, I advise you stay away from people who would dampen your morale on the way to a brand new you. A lot of people are going to tell you a lot of crap such as once you are deflowered, you are deflowered and there’s nothing like secondary virginity. They are sent by the devil to encourage you to stay in sin and never get your original to manifest. Stay away from fornication, masturbation and the like till you get married and come and see the wonderful wonder God will make out of your life. You will radiate God’s glory and soar in all things like the eagle that you are. You will then become too big and too great for those discouraging you from being a secondary virgin to reach! You will say I said so. God bless you my sweeties!

  • Escaping from a dead heart

    THE sea brings to mind lots of water, different species of fishes and other creatures. Naturally, the picture that comes to mind is an environment that is rich physically, depicting all kinds of emotional gestures. Its natural environment is bound to be a booster for affection, attraction, infatuation and fondness.

    However, if you affection is located on the Dead Sea you are not likely to go far. No matter what you do and the efforts you put in, you are not likely to find any fish (heart) or even locating your dream fish (heart).

    The Dead Sea historically has attracted visitors (hearts) from all over the world for thousands of years. It is known as the salt lake famous for incredibly high levels of salt. The deepest hypersaline lake in the world. This salinity makes for a harsh environment in which animals of any kind cannot flourish.

    However, it has been the supplier of a wide variety of products like balms for Egyptian mummification, potash for fertilizers, cosmetics and herbal products.

    The scarcity of aquatic life in the Dead Sea can be compared with relationships that have no future from the outset. The question here is how do you get into dead relationships? How do you determine who or what to avoid in the search for a befitting heart? A heart that would bring joy and not tales of sorrow, tears and blood. A loving heart and not a cheap sadist masquerading to be sweet and nice just because he or she is planning to rip you off someday.

    32-year-old Josephine’s heart is sinking miserably on the affectionate Dead Sea. She has actually given up all hope of finding love again after three cases of misplaced affection. “The last relationship was the most painful. We had saved some resources together to rent a house and start a family. We also travelled to see his parents and family members about three months before everything crashed like a pack of cards. It was at that point that I realised that he had been deceiving me all along.”

    On his part, he did not wait to give this poor heart any explanation about the whole emotional mess. Instead, he got a ticket and travelled out of the country, far away from this dying or ‘dead’ heart.

    Now she thinks that she has found love again but sadly her affection sadly is with the wrong heart.  “I am in love with my sister’s husband and I don’t know what to do about the situation. The man keeps making flirtatious gestures towards me and I am so confused. Deep inside, something tells me to say yes because he is what I have been wishing for all my life.”

    That is not all! “I think that my sister is very ungrateful and she treats him badly. Each time you pay them a visit, he is always complaining about how tired he has become of her. It is sad that my sister does not appreciate him at all and she does not value what she has.”

    Emotional traitor! There are so many of them around looking for hearts to be stolen and hijacked for themselves. Sadly, a lot of people live, wine and dine with traitors. They entrust their lives and hearts to charlatans who end up plotting their betrayal in a very wicked way. Hearts that hide mischievously in the background, planning how to steal what belongs to the other.

    How can you continue to smile sheepishly at somebody, seduce him or her and not expect a reaction? Whether the reaction is positive or negative is another matter entirely. “How can she smile cheaply at your man claiming that you do not appreciate what you’ve got?”

    How on earth can someone stoop so low and lose her heart to a sister’s boyfriend, fiancé or husband?  Or even a friend husband for that matter? What kind of friend could that be? Here it would be better to hug the enemy instead of settling for this kind of friendship.

    Besides, who made you the judge of whether or not she appreciates him or not? Are you the emotional spy, the forerunner who must step into her emotional shoes? As a good and loyal sister or friend, your only duty is not to be trusted, be loyal and stop looking for excuses to justify your lust for her man.

    She continued: “I have been in four different relationships in the past six years but I have not succeeded to have any stable relationship. The relationships all start on a very bright note but when I think I have gotten it right, things just begin to fall apart.”

    However, she noticed that men who have a soft spot for her are usually already engaged. “When my best friend got married a few years ago, I met the best man and I really liked him. Then I began to pray that she would throw the bouquet in my direction. There and then I began to propose to me and marry me later.”

    Was this a dream come true? No, it wasn’t! “When I made enquiries from my friend, I realised that he was already married. To my utmost surprise, he also liked me so much and he wanted us to be friends. Unfortunately, we both knew that we weren’t going to go far.”