The Nation Newspaper

Category: Pillow Talk

  • Can’t go far on this road…

    Can’t go far on this road…

    By YETUNDE OLADEINDE

     

    FOLARIN and Ndidi have been dating for about three years. Each time one of their friends sends an invitation to their wedding or bachelors or spinster’s eve, her hearts skips. This time around it was Biodun’s Bachelors eve and Folarin kept the details from her but fortunately for her, she got the news from Bioduns girlfriend because they were close. She found her way to the venue and found him with another companion.

    Cheated? Well, if there was another word that could take care of her feelings this wasn’t quite appropriate. She moved nearer and gave the gal a beating of a life time. The whole party and attention shifted to her and on the spot, Biodun told her it was really over. “Now that you know that it isn’t you that I love, then I can have some peace”.

    What could she really do now? Perhaps it was better to go back to the drawing board to and bury the love hatchet. If she got another opportunity to talk with him, they would try to figure out what went wrong and what they could do to get their love back on track again.

    Wait a minute! Haven’t they been talking about this same matter before? As a matter of fact, the talks actually made her upset and even angry at times because his arguments were always unrealistic. But  then she you persisted because she felt if they could talk things through and make him how much she still cared for and loved him, then he may just change this terrible attitude.

    That was not all. Even your friends and family  had intervened at different times and it all turned out that  you were doing the right things and that if he wasn’t listening, opening up, and “getting it”… then he was the one to blame. That he was the one being selfish and immature.

    Naturally, some of these other reasons made her feel a little bit better but it was only for a moment. It still didn’t explain why, despite everything she were doing to improve herself and their relationship he was still getting more  and more distant , difficult and just wanted to end things with her.

    Sometimes, it is possible to make a miscalculation based on your intuition. This way you are likely to ruin a great relationship because you did the right thing at the wrong time. Of course, there is nothing wrong with follow your instinct, the only difference is to understand where and how to apply it.

    For a number of ladies therefore, you discover that instead of using this intuition to their benefit such people actually end up shooting themselves in the foot and destroying what would have been a marvelous relationship.

    But there are times, when what you have is not worth expending precious energy on. The heart that you have fallen helplessly in love with is actually a counterfeit, an adulterated version of what you dreamed of. It may also be that you are not totally ignorant of the antics but you just want to hold on thinking that things would sort themselves out with time.

    Sadly, some women get so caught up in the mindset that “he will change once they are married and he would fit into the arrangement with time. But most times, it doesn’t really turn out this way.

    For Bimpe who has found 60 per cent of her requirement in her man, it still can be a hell of a time. “ The same laid back demeanor and quiet disposition that my sweetheart possess  and the reason I fell helplessly for him is the same laid back demeanor and quiet disposition that sometimes works my last nerves at times”, she recollects.

    In every relationship it is important to spell out the terms and understand the personality you are dealing with from the onset. This would let you know whether it is better to continue or make a u-turn if it is only going to end in tears.

    If you do not get off a stressful emotional train then you may crash with the train. Many get caught up in trying to mold and perfect things even when it is obvious that they are never going to go far together.

    It is better to let your woman or man be who they are….flaws and all. The one thing you need to know is that you love unconditionally with not only all the person’s good sides but with all the bad as well.

    We also need to remember that men think differently from women especially when it comes to why they do the things they do in a relationship (s).

    “I am going on my sixth relationship and have been with this current boyfriend for seven months. At the beginning, I liked what I saw and it looked like a dream come true.” But gradually, she began to discover another side of this emotional story and at the moment she is at a crossroad. “He stammers but I didn’t see it as a problem because he was always smiling and happy. But when I got closer and we got used to one another, I realized that he always got angry if I didn’t quickly understand what he was saying while stammering. At such moments, he could be really difficult and I wondered how I was going to cope with such moods in future.”

    Well, she needs to make up her mind on time. This may actually make or mar their relationship and she needs to be sure that it is something that she can cope with in future.

  • All of me, loves all of you

    All of me, loves all of you

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

    “Cause all of me loves all of you. Love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections.” –John Legend (All Of Me)

    This sums up how Adeola is feeling right now. He has found a heart that is making his world go really round and they are heading for the aisle in a couple of weeks. Even though his emotional dream has finally come through, his mind keeps going down memory lane, recalling emotional valleys and days he almost thought the love corridor wasn’t meant for him at all.

    “I had a relationship and I trusted her so much. She turned out to be a cheat and before I knew it, she got pregnant for someone very close to me. That betrayal was a big blow and it took me a great while before I got over it. It was one of the saddest things that ever happened to me.”

    What do you do when you feel so disappointed with your emotional life? Usually, it is better to walk away and that is exactly what Adeola did. It wasn’t easy but he is glad he survived the pains of betrayal.

    “I am not the kind of guy who falls for or gets carried away with every girl that comes my way. As a matter of fact, I can actually count the number of girls that I have dated on my fingertips. Truth of the matter is that I am not what you would call a ladies’ man.”

    First and foremost, the Romeo in question has a very poor social lifestyle. “I don’t have friends and I hardly go out. The few people around me know that I am a workaholic and when I am not at work, you can be sure to find me in the house.”

    At a point, family and loved ones got really worried and began to harass him about his social life. “At a point, I got really fed up; everyone around me thought they knew what I needed and began to advise me to get busy along the social corridor.”

    Worried? Not really! “Personally, I thought all was well. I knew that once I saw the girl I really like everything would fall in place. Interestingly, I finally found her; the proverbial bone of my bones. We met in the examination hall. We were writing the same professional examinations that morning and she sat right in front of me. As soon as I saw her, I just liked everything about her. After writing our papers, I walked towards her and she just stared at me in a snobbish way.”

    That naturally did not deter me. As a matter of fact, I like women who are difficult to get. Perhaps, she was in a bad mood because of the paper she just wrote, I told myself. I finally succeeded in getting her number and that was how it all began. As we moved on in the relationship, I realised that she was just like me in every aspect of life; a woman who is strong minded, not a talkative and very focused in her lifestyle. That made me like her even more.

    The only snag was that she had another guy in her life and she told me about him from the onset. Not the type of lady who would lie about anything. The other relationship was, however, having problems because of distance and some other related factors. Luckily, I won the emotional battle; the guy had found another heart and the vacuum gave me the opportunity to be her man. Finding this heart, I must say, is the best thing that ever happened in my life and I am so glad I found her.”

    The crux of the matter here is to find a heart that you desire and learn to understand each other.  Once you know how to make the heart you cherish happy, things would definitely move the way you want.

    One other thing that you must understand is that communication is key; you must speak the same love language and make the love nest as interesting as possible. It is therefore important to make effort from time to time and understand the language your partner is speaking.

    In addition, it is also necessary to not only know what your partner is saying, but how they are saying it; it actually takes away their fear of being open and honest.

    You must also remember that the emotional nest is not a bed of roses. Always prepare and arm yourself with emotional tools needed for the good and bad times. Even when you are not satisfied with the way things have turned out, you can complain and argue in an effective way. Arguing is a normal and healthy part of any relationship. The key is to argue effectively and with compassion in mind. We need to speak our truth with kindness and love. If you don’t think you can be calm, make sure to take time out and revisit the topic when you are in a better frame of mind.

  • Surviving a betrayal

    Surviving a betrayal

    By YETUNDE OLADEINDE

     

    It was supposed to be the last emotional card. Miraculously, things moved on well and the first six months looked like a union made in heaven. Just when she thought, she had captured Bosun’s heart; his old flame came back to the picture. The fair weather lover ditched him when he was nobody. The natural thing to do was to move on and forget the runaway ‘bride to be’. Sadly Bosun could not resist this ‘prodigal ‘lover’. First he kept it a secret but it got to a point where they just could not continue as secret lovers anymore.

    Three certainly is a crowd. So, who do we send out of the emotional garden? Sadly, it was our dear Teniola that lost out.

    The crux of the matter is that relationships are not based on logic; they are actually influenced by our emotions. This therefore makes cheating difficult to define. Whether you consider cheating as sex or simply a kiss, the truth here is that a betrayal is a betrayal.

     

    We all love to have a smooth emotional ride. A journey that is filled with fun, sweet memories and time shared with someone real and caring. Unfortunately, the fun times are usually too short for many.

    They are part of the reality of living, life and love is not perfect. The lovebirds are responsible for the outcome and it is better to spice a dull space with affection and when it becomes messy, then you make your skills and mop up the mess before it gets out of hand.

    Sadly, many of us are dreamers and we love to hide under the illusion of dating a sweet ‘Barbie’ doll or the prince charming that would never hurt a fly.

    So when our emotional flight crashes on the tarmac, then we are jolted back to reality. The emotional hangover of being cheated is actually the worst. What would you do if you found out that precious heart that you cherish is nothing but a two-timing fool? What would you do if you open the door of your bedroom and catch your fiancé and your best friend in bed? How would you feel when you walk into a restaurant and you girl is in hot passionate kiss with another man? Question, questions and more questions. Sadly that is the reality of the love zone, hearts have crashed and somersaulted along the emotional corridors and it can be so painful.

    If you ask anymore who has lost a dear heart, they would tell you that being cheated on is the worst thing that ever happened to them. First you feel sad ,rejected as well as  also pissed off. Betrayal through cheating can come from the babe or the dude; however we all know that it is more common with the guys.

    Interestingly, scientific studies have narrowed down some traits that are statistically more common in guys who cheat. Money is important and it has a lot to do with this and so many other issues that affect any relationship.

    The research also showed that partners were less likely to cheat if they were in the same (or similar) income brackets. Men were more likely to cheat if they made a lot more money than their partner, and they were most likely to cheat if they made a lot less.

    Next it was discovered that People are more likely to cheat if their friends are also cheaters. Conversely, if his friends are trustworthy, it’s likely he’s trustworthy too.

    Oh dear! That is certainly a tough one; you can get rid of friends in this category easily. So what do you do? Perhaps the way out would be to be at your best and satisfy your man in bed. Not so easy! Experts also explain that most men don’t cheat because they’re not satisfied sexually. They actually join the cheating game because they are seeking emotional satisfaction.

    Ordinarily, you would think that extroverts, our jolly good fellows are the ones to be avoided if you don’t want your heart to crash like humpty dumpty. The research goes on to reveal that introverts are actually more likely to cheat because they’re more likely to agree to someone propositioning them. If you are hooked with an extrovert, then surely there is no real cause for alarm. Even if he’s always out there meeting new people, you actually might be safer. Reason: “There is no big deal’.

    That is not all. The emotional researchers also found out that you can trust your gut when it comes to identifying guys who look like they would cheat and finally break your heart. So, if your gut is telling you “no,” then it’s a good idea to listen to that gut.

    Here it is the end of the road for some relationships. Those who have a large heart may just forgive but not totally forget the act. Infidelity can either destroy their sex lives or just be a powerful way to heal and discover the gaps.

  • Feeling betrayed

    Feeling betrayed

    YETUNDE OLADEINDE

     

    LOVING somebody and getting someone to love you back on a fifty –fifty basis can be really ‘good’. The truth however is that the emotional pendulum is not static, it moves in a crazy way and that is what makes it unpredictable.

    It can swing any way or anyhow. Your mood, state of mind and the ‘bird’ you settle for determines how balanced your emotional space would be. Shifting with a heart that is in grief can be a great dilemma but you can make it work, if you really try?

    This kind of love deal however can’t be struck on a platter of gold; you have to work hard because it’s usually a hard emotional nut to crack. It can actually be boring doling out affection in quantities that you cannot reap.

    Here you must be ready to listen, give lots of love in return to the one  who is on your affectionate thermometer.

    Trust, forgiveness and a heart willing to live up to emotional promises and expectations is equally important.

    When your hearts is heavy with grief, you need to do certain things to purge your emotions. The grief within has its own heartbeat and you can convert this to a positive energy. The greatest desire would therefore be to resist the rhythms of grief. You also need to get someone to stop this bleeding or weeping heart.

    Ronke is feeling this way at the moment. Her husband died in an accident and it hurts because it is the only true love she has ever had. Since then she has struggled and struggled with her emotions without any luck. Her doctor tried to talk to her and at a point he gave her some antidepressants. BUT she is just so lost without the love of her life.

    In the journey of the heart and soul, it can be very tough to find purpose when you are in grief. For some it is easy to find a replacement, while others take a long time to excavate a new heart, a heart that would bring meaning to their lives once more. When you are in this state of deep seated loss, what you need is someone who believes that the sun will rise again.

    Omoshalewa is also feeling bad because she just lost her mother. Her eyes were swollen and she was still not tired of crying. Tears for a mother she loved so much. How can this woman chose to depart from this world now. Life can be really callous and her heart was sinking on a daily basis. It was actually a time she expected some emotional sympathy from her father.

    Yes, she knew his heart was sinking too and she expected him to shower all the affection on her as the only child from that union. Unfortunately for our dear gal, this was not to be: Her father’s affection shifted almost immediately via the shifting cultivation ‘methodology’.

    “When my mother died about a year ago she left a terrible vacuum for my dad and I. We just didn’t know how to pick up the shattered pieces. Suddenly, my father’s disposition changed, he looked happier and it was obvious that he had moved on.”

    Naturally that should have been a plus but when the little girl discovered the ‘tonic’, she was disappointed. “Midway, I realized that my father was dating my class teacher. They came close when she came for the condolence visit with two other teachers. She took his number and somehow they became very close”.

    To her utmost surprise, it became a very serious affair and the visits became more frequent. “Then I realised that there was no going back for the two of them. That was just too fast and it affected me psychologically. I became very troublesome and my father had to send me to my grandmother place.

    This made me really angry and I began to hate my dad.    Does it mean that my father has forgotten my mother so quickly? Could it be that he never really liked my mother and was pretending all along? Or could it be that all this were my teacher’s handiwork and she seduced him to take all the actions that he did?

    And before she could say jack, the woman was pregnant and she was delivered of a baby boy a year after her mother died. Poor gal. It is only natural to feel betrayed by your dad and class teacher. But again, that is the way love operates. It can happen anytime and anywhere. The demise of your mother had created a vacuum and in a short while he found another missing rib.

    You just cannot blame him totally because he followed his heart. She ignited the flames and sparks that followed showed that they were really in love. As for your class teacher, she did not need to seduce him to win his heart. A lot of other people must have visited to condole, yet he did not swing that way emotionally. The truth of the matter is that love can catch up with you anywhere, anytime and any how.

  • Sharp emotional arrows

    Sharp emotional arrows

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

     

    What happens when you step on emotional toes? Well, that, unfortunately, is Moyo’s predicament at the moment. Slim, tall, with a flawless skin and curves in the right places, she has succeeded in stealing hearts from dusty emotional shelves.

    Why not! An eye (heart) for an eye (heart). Scroll down memory lane and you also find that our dear friend was a victim; valuable hearts had vanished courtesy of some emotional shoplifters.

    Recently, she ran out of luck and was declared ‘wanted’. She took to her heels and tried to find solace in the emotional jungle. The rugged owner of a missing heart did not give up; she staked everything to have her pound of flesh from the hawk-the one that had caused her so much pain. Strategically, she combed the nooks and crannies carefully and finally found the queen of heart, looking remorseful.

    This was not the best time for sermons, and so she was beaten to a state of coma, with memorable scars. Jungle justice! It is the norm and so it is best to tread with caution.

    If you do not want to be an emotional prey, then you must be in charge of the terrain. Don’t also bite more than you can chew. Always make sure that cupid’s arrow is on target, there is no harm trying again and again. Arrows? Yes, they are symbols that we see all the time. From the street signs, road markings and markings on the doors indicating direction to a choice location. This also reminds you of Jeffrey archer’s book, a Quiver full of Arrows. Fortunes are made and squandered, honor betrayed and redeemed and love lost and rediscovered. In this collection of short stories, you find the passion that drive men and women to love and to hate.

    A good hunter must have a quiver filled with a sharp emotional arrows (strategies). Love birds need different arrows for the different phase(s) in their relationships. Arrows also have their different functions and you must understand the terrain. When you use a wrong arrow for the wrong target, it is not likely to work.

    Read Also: Sharp emotional arrows

    What are you ‘chasing’ would determine the type of arrows required to achieve your emotional aims and objectives. In the emotional jungle, you run into all kinds of hearts. Hearts that are as gentle as dove, hearts that are alluring as well as romantic. On the other side of the emotional divides are lions crocodiles, hyenas and antelopes.

    Sadly, the emotional wilderness can be a death trap if you are not careful. You are likely to run into trouble when you list expect it to happen. On the prowl are hearts that are as cunning as a fox or hearts that are as wild as the tiger.

    If you are unlucky to fall hopelessly and helplessly with hearts in this category, then you must have your quiver filled with deadly emotional arrows. The arrows you chose would ultimately determine who becomes the prey in the emotional jungle.

    Without the required arrow in your custody, you are likely to be lily-livered and abandon the heart that you have been longing for, lusting after and wishing you had for keeps. Winners are usually wild with emotions and aware of all the tricks(arrows) in the quiver during the emotional hunting expedition.

    Learn the ropes, improvise, as well as update yourself with skills that would give you the sobriquet as hunter of hearts like lions and not just hunting for emotional ants, mosquitoes, cockroaches or rats. The crux of the matter is the hearts in this category are not worth dying for.

    Surprisingly, in the emotional terrain, women are better hunters. They have mastered the skills ultimately used it to capture and get what they want. In the woman’s emotional quiver are tears, smiles, patience, endurance, nagging, as well as intrigues.

    Having the right arrows without making use of them is as good as not having them at all. In addition, a good heart hunter must know how to put the emotional arrow on the bow and draw it back to meet its target. The further you draw the bow (love), the more distance it goes or covers.

    You therefore cover more distance by showing love consistently, sharing your affection and substance dutifully. It is very important to talk nicely to the person you think you love, claim you love or that just makes your heart skip a bit all the time.

    Interestingly, the best emotional arrows aim at trust. It is the arrow that controls all the other arrows in your quiver. You can be sure that once this affectionate arrow is missing in your quiver, then you would miss the target. Love without trust isn’t love. Like a doubting Thomas, you are going to see a dove in the emotional woods and imagine that what you are looking at is a tiger.

    When you see a rabbit whispering sweet nothings into your ears, instead of turning around to caress this cupid-send angel, all you see is a heart luring you to the rabbit hole, to be strangled, cleaned up and adorned with condiments before ending in the pepper soup pot as ‘bush meat’.

  • No going back

    No going back

    By YETUNDE OLADEINDE

     

    MOVING around the love corridor can be really exciting for many. Here there are no boundaries, no restrictions and you just allow yourself to be mesmerized by the intoxicating atmosphere. Here you just want to love, love and love till you get to the zenith. Once you get to love’s greatest height, there certainly is no going back, you are hooked.

    But the big question here is who is has gotten your heart hooked? Is it someone who truly loves and appreciate you? Could this be someone who would stand by you in good and bad times?

    Or are you hooked with an emotional traitor, a chameleon just trying to exploit you, use and then dump you?

    The latter unfortunately is what just happened to poor Mandy. Her heart is in turmoil and she just cannot seem to understand what is happening to her relationship. “I met Olaitan at a business meeting about seven and half months ago. He came to represent his company while I also came to represent my boss. Someone, I arrived a little late because of traffic and I met him standing outside the door, making a call. I asked for the venue and he directed me into the place and that was how it all began”.

    Mandy continued: “Immediately after that meeting he walked up to I and we talked as if we had known one another for years. He was quite friendly and I liked everything about him. He also seemed to be hooked and we practically did so much together, was always in each other’s company and we always talked on phone for hours”.

    One other interesting aspect of the relationship was that they never quarreled. “Olaitan is such a peaceful guy and he would always do things that would make me happy or comfortable. Even days, when I forget to attend to some personal things that concern him; he would just dismiss it with a smile and say its okay. He gave me total love, peace of mind and stability in everything around me. Friends and colleagues noticed that I was blossoming, especially when I just came out of a very bad relationship and I was hurting deeply”.

    While she was basking in the euphoria created by Olaitan, something cropped up. “I went to see him at home one day and I ran into his mum who came into town the previous day. Olaitan quickly introduced me to her as his fiancée and I saw a deep from on mama’s face”.

    Just while Mandy was trying to decipher what might be going on in her mind, the old woman exploded. ‘Didn’t my son tell you that he has another lady that he has been in a relationship with for five years? What did you use on him; I cannot seat down and watch you destroy what they have built together for so long. You better move on and find your own husband. I can assure that you would never get my blessings in this relationship”.

    For the first time, I saw Olaitan getting angry and he told him mother that it was over between him and the other lady. “I am the one who is going to marry the wife. I have to make the choice and I know what is good for me. Mandy is my choice”, he said.

    Mandy continued: “The battle line was drawn and from that point mama did everything to stop us. Luckily, we were united in love and we survived all the odds. At a point, Olaitan mother realized that she just could not come in between us and she finally accepted yours truly.

    Wedding cards have been sent out and the D-day is already around the corner. As she sat on the chair compiling the guests list, her mind riveted on all that has happened and she thanked her stars for having a great heart by her side. She also had no doubt that he was going to live up to expectations and she would try her best not to disappoint him too.

    Trust , interestingly is one thing that would help to keep any relationship going strong.

    Always keep in the back of your mind a personal evaluation of the level of trust in the relationship. How much do you trust the other person to act in ways that both match your mental model of that person? How much do you trust that person to have your back?

    If you want an intentional relationship, do things to build up trust and gather information about the other person’s trustworthiness.

    Experts also advise that it is better  to set boundaries and permit privacy to make the relationship wax stronger. Interestingly, technological developments has now made it easy to track each other and to be in constant communication. However, permitting each other to have a private space and avoiding pushing the other person to do things they would prefer not to do helps a lot in creating sustaining happiness in relationships.

  • The power of small gestures

    The power of small gestures

    BY YETUNDE OLADEINDE

     

    Well, all these gestures are essential to keep a relationship healthy and robust? But, the one thing that the utmost matter is “LOVE”.

    Love is the foundation of the happiness in a beautiful relationship. Love is the reason which keeps two different people together and happy in a relationship. The essence of love holds both the partners embed in each other minds. It has the magical power that incorporates two different people to stay together, life-long.

    But, as the time passes the two love-birds merely forget those little gestures like texting, complementing and surprising, which are an integral part of the relationship. Physical attraction becomes priority and sex become daily-dose.

    But, one thing I would say genuinely, that relationship is not about physical attraction, it’s more about understanding, caring, trust and time. One cannot just underestimate the power of these small gestures. Sometimes, misunderstanding and lack of time lead to breakups. So, if you don’t want to face that situation so, give value to small-small things. I’m not asking you to buy a Versace or Gucci for your love, but pay attention to sweet gestures that will keep the spark of your relationship alive and bring you both closer.

    Communication is the key to love: The most critical part of the healthy relationship is communication. Instead of moving out from the issues, talk about it. Face the tough situations together. If your partner is not ready or lacking behind in sharing his/her thoughts, ask them what is hindering them? Talk about the financial status if you are planning for a residential mortgage.

    Along with this, never let your love apart. If you’re meeting your partner after a long time, a single “Love You” works well with a sweet compliment like “You smelling good” or “You look beautiful”. No matter how awkward is the situation, make you love long-lasting.

    Send a beautiful message with sweet gifts: Be unexpected. Commonly surprise your partner but differently. Along with sending a text message to send beautiful bouquets of flowers with a friendly hand-written note. This will not only give your partner a reason to remember you the whole day but also keeps them cherish.

    “Spread the love most unexpectedly.”

    Spend some quality time together: People think having dinner sitting on a couch and watching Netflix, with a partner is similar to having quality dinner at the table. But, what if is I say there is a vast difference between them. It’s good you are sitting together and watching your favourite TV shows, but this is not a right way to spend some quality time together. Quality time is that in which you both are listening to each other, sharing views and opinions. Don’t let your TV or entertainment time as quality time.

    Use the word “WE”: The couples who use the word WE tend to be happier, calmer and more satisfied in a relationship. The word WE acts as a game changer, for those couples who work with the mindset of YOU vs ME. ‘WE’ make them to work collaboratively for their dream. This collaborative mindset makes them loving and generous.

    Travel Together: Travelling together is one way to understand each other nicely. When you travel to a new place via a minibus or local transportation, you get to spend more quality time together; you get to create memories which you cherish years to come.

    Be all ears when needed: Bad presentation, boss scolding and work pressure can make your partner irritating. At that time, instead of moving out, listen to them. Your partner wants you to listen to all the crap that has happened throughout the day. Be attentive, patient and if possible, complete your partner sentences. All these sweet little gestures make two of you fall for each other again and again.

    Say those words: Speak the right words, at the right time and hit the bull’s eye. Sometimes conveying feelings to the partner is more special than giving gifts and spending chunks. A goodbye kiss on the forehead works magically.

    Say Sorry and Thanks! No matter how close you to your partner, sometimes Sorry and Thank You is all you need to make your partner happy. Use these words to express your emotions and grief. Most of the couples don’t know that this sweet words and gestures make the relationship happy and stronger.

    The language of Love: Gary Chapman, come up with the notion that man and woman have five love languages. Understanding these love languages is essential in a relationship. Words like respect, receiving gifts, affirmation and physical touch should go hand in hand. Let your partner knows what you think about them and make them feel special with using any of these love languages.

    Ready to Compromise: At certain stages of a relationship you have to let go of your ego. You have to compromise for the happiness of your partner. You have to stop fighting on small issues and learn how to tackle them politely. Comprising is another key for the pleasure in a relationship right after the communication. The couples who ready to compromise stays together happily.

    Making love: Sex is the part of the happy relationship. Sex is an intimating way to get close to your partner. The more you do, the more you want, the less you do, the less you want. It’s not like the couples who intimate the most, don’t indulge in fights and all, making love is a way to connect with your partner. So keep your sex life alive and use couples sex toys to make it spicy.

  • Buhari seeks Reps confirmation of Service Chiefs

    Buhari seeks Reps confirmation of Service Chiefs

    By Tony Akowe, Abuja

    The Speaker of the House of Representatives, Hon. Femi Gbajabiamila, on Wednesday, constituted an adhoc committee to screen the new service Chief recently appointed by President Muhammadu Buhari.

    The President had in a letter to the Speaker sought the screening and confirmation of the Service Chief by the lawmakers in accordance with the provisions of the Armed Forces Act which required the confirmation of the service chiefs by the National Assembly.

    The Nation, however, learnt that unlike executive/civilian appointments by the President, which are usually confirmed by the Senate alone, the Armed Forces Act required that appointment into the top brass of the military be confirmed by the National Assembly.

    Section 18(1) of the Armed Forces Act cited by Buhari reads, “The President, may, after consultation with the Chief of Defence Staff and subject to confirmation by the National Assembly, appoint such officers (in this Act referred to as ‘the Service Chiefs’) as he thinks fit, in whom the command of the Army, Navy and Air Force, as the case may be, and their reserves shall be vested.”

    The letter from the President which was read at Wednesday sitting of the House reads, “In compliance with the provisions of Section 18(1) of the Armed Forces Act. Cap A20 Laws the Federation of Nigeria 2004, I hereby forward for confirmation by the Senate, the appointment of the under listed officer as the Chief of Defence Staff and Services Chiefs of the Armed forces of the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

    READ ALSO: Buhari to honour 110 ex-corps members with national service awards

    “Maj. Gen. Lucky Eluonye Onyenuchea lrabor – Chief of Defence Staff; Maj. Gen. Ibrahim Attahiru – Chief of Army Staff; Rear Admiral Awwal Zubairu Gambo – Chief of Naval Staff; and Air Vice Marshal Isiaka O. Amao – Chief of Air staff.

    “I hope that the Honourable House will consider and confirm the nominees in the usual expeditious manner.”

    The committee set up by the Speaker is made up of six members each from the House Committees on Army, Navy, Air Force and Defence and will be headed by the Chairman of the House Committee on Defence, Babajimi Benson.

    The Speaker said the decision to constitute the adhoc committee followed the need to observe the COVID-19 protocols, adding that allowing the various committees to meet would amount to crowding about 200 people inside one room.

  • In the wrong connecting flight

    In the wrong connecting flight

    By Yetunde Oladeinde

     

    Travelling for many can be interesting and it also brings new opportunities. You can do this by road, rail, and sea or by air. Travelling by air comes with excitement as well as challenges too, but the most important thing is to be sure that the end justifies the means.

    This can either be a direct flight or a connecting flight. Where you are going would definitely determine the kind of flight that you opt for in your journey (physical or emotional). For many, the direct flight is straight forward and you are sure to get to your destination faster than if you had to go with a connecting flight.

    The truth of the matter is that it is not all destinations that can be done with a direct flight. At such moments, you are stuck with a connecting arrangement and you just have to change planes (hearts) to get to the destination.

    Naturally, this heart is going from A to C but the heart (plane) must stop at B to continue the emotional journey to C, which is in between the place of origin and the destination. It is actually a hectic and stressful emotional process that can be stalled with baggage transfer, flight delays, flight cancellation and more. It is, however, worse when you miss the connecting flight or hurriedly find your way into the wrong flight.

    This is the emotional scenario that has played itself out in Amarachi’s life. At a distance, you would think she has everything going for her, but that is far from the real picture. Ever since she met this new guy, her emotional flight got diverted and she is stranded.

    “I got married at the age of 15 years, which was quite early. As the last child in the family, my parents and siblings resisted, saying I was not mature enough.”

    She loved him so much and they came to the realisation that this was her choice. She made up her mind to sink in this emotional boat and they just had to let her be. So, did this Prince Charming disappoint her? No, he didn’t! “I lived with him for about 13 years and we had a wonderful time together. The union produced three wonderful children and he was the best father any child could ask for. During this period, I also went back to school and read Accountancy,” she recalls.

    So, why is this babe raising an emotional alarm? “Just when I thought that my dreams were taking shape, the man died. It was the most traumatic period in my life and it was quite hard getting the pieces together.”

    Luckily, her in-laws were also as kind hearted as her late husband. They extended warmness, and things brought succour her way. It was six years in the emotional wilderness, and loneliness made the journey tortuous. Her mother also did not make things better and she kept urging her to look for another heart to lean on. “You are too young to be a widow; you need someone to support you and make life meaningful once more.”

    Young, restless and extremely attractive, the emotional corridors became very tempting. All kinds of hearts started to intrude and it was tough dodging and avoiding the turbulence of the emotional landscape. Her heart was unstable and it was at this point that a dashing dude sauntered into her life. He was all over her whispering sweet nothings, the type every gal wants to hear.

    Nothing ventured, nothing gain. She yielded and decided to open the doors of her heart widely and wildly for the Romeo to reign. What a relief! For the first few months, that was the ‘melody’ on her fragile lips. He swept her off her feet, making her tipsy all the way. Now that we have found love, what are we gonna do with it?

    It was just too good to be real! Time certainly would tell, but in the interim, this poor heart fell helplessly into the emotional gutter. A few months after, she was pregnant. Did he take to his heels?

    Not yet! “He took me to the village to see his parents and some other relatives. Everybody welcomed me warmly and I was convinced at that stage that it was for real.” She continued: “He rented an apartment and we moved in together but we were not married formally.”

    She gave birth to a baby boy and thought that this would further guarantee her place in the uppermost part of his heart. “Shortly after the baby came, I noticed that his attitude towards me changed.”

    He later relocated to the extreme end of the state in search of another emotional greener pasture(s). “He stopped calling me and refused to answer my calls. I got so worried and a family friend told me how to trace him to his new abode. There I discovered that he was living with a sugar mummy; the woman rented a two-bedroom apartment for him and gave him some money to set up a new business.”

    All hell was let loose. Was this pretty lady going to abandon her emotional property for this ‘moneybag’ or was she ready to recover this asset from the old hag, no matter what? This emotional battlefield is quite complicated and our dear friend is just alone. Nobody wants to align with her and the ‘loot’ is satisfied with his new status. His fickle-minded heart is surely having fun. Only God knows how long this new mistress will be able to sustain him, before he goes hunting for the next victim.

  • How to achieve maximum sexual impact

    How to achieve maximum sexual impact

    With Funmi Akingbade

     

    For many months questions have rolled in from various couples asking for what to do to enjoy sex maximally.  So today we will be addressing the technicality for maximum sex. Sexual technicality is simply the act of treating your spouse in a very special way during sex to enhance his or passion.

    Firstly, there must be proper preparation if sex is to be enjoyed. Careful groundwork is essential and preparation begins long before bedtime. Sex starts at breakfast and not by bedtime.

    The first homework is to settle any known or foreseen quarrel as soon as possible. Get ready for sex with a positive mind-set. Many times couples find it difficult to have good sex because of normal life challenges. But I have observed that if couples always wait for a perfect life situation for sex they may not find one. So a positive mind-set for any sexual eventuality is very important.

    At any given time filth, lack of neatness or uncleanliness has ruined many anticipated sexual thoughts. You must be neat and clean, and at the same time be seductively attractive. Oral, armpit, vulva and penis hygiene should be well observed, especially when the penis is uncircumcised.

    The pubic hair should not be shaved in a way that it will produce sharp coarse ends that cause irritation on the skin of your spouse. This, as simple as it appears, has ruined good, passionate sex and made some husbands develop quick ejaculation, while some wives have to apply hot water for healing.

    Neatness is one of the guiding rules for successful lovemaking. Much good sex has turned out to be a nightmare just because of offensive odour from the genitals. Since sometimes sex might be unpredictable, it important to brush the mouth twice daily especially while retiring at night.

    This is very important because if there is a need to use your tongue on each other penis or vulva the mouth must be brushed to prevent infection. Many couples contact some form of toilet disease just from unwashed mouth, because the same bacteria responsible for toilet disease are mostly also found in the mouth.

    The bed should be laid with clean or new bed spread; old, stinking bed sheets turn off all spouses. Get enough privacy, make sure doors are well locked; this prevents the mind roaming on and off about the door.

    At no given time should any spouse disapprovingly take off each other clothes in an offensive, rough manner. It’s important that both husband and wife slowly undress each other; this is an exciting part of the technique. The moment this is in place the best part of the good groundwork has been achieved.

    As a matter of fact these particular habits mostly usher in the love play i.e. building up or arousing each other before the husband actually puts his penis inside the vagina of his wife. This is done by holding each other lovingly, caressing each other tenderly, deep tongue kissing, carefully fondling with each other sexual organs, touching and rubbing in a loving manner.

    At this point couples should lay themselves bare to one another by letting their partners know their sensitive areas and points of trigger. For majority of ladies, it is the clitoris or the breast – especially the nipples. Let him know that it takes time before your sexual organs respond, especially the clitoris. Make him kiss and use his tongue to caress your breast, your nipples, neck, gently and lovingly. As this goes on, the nipples of your breast get erected and the clitoris increases in size. Caressing should not be done in a hurried way. Take enough time to fully enjoy each other!

    It is important to understand timing in lovemaking. There should be a gradual building up and intensifying of emotions and sensations. Do not stop or let up the stimula tion once it begins, but continue in an ever-increasing manner of arousal.

    Basically, the whole body of a loving couple is an erotic zone. For the man, the nape of the neck, the back of the ear, the breast, the armpit, the navel, the inner parts of the thigh, the groin, the pubic hair, the shaft of the penis, the eye of the penis are especially their most sensitive areas. All these should be or kissed tenderly or caressed gently with the hand and tongue of the wife. If the man’s skin is too dry, you can get a bottle of pears baby lotion and seductively rub both bodies; it will send sexual signals to the whole body.

    The female erotic zone include the base of the neck, the base of the hair, the lips, the armpit, the breast especially the nipples, the tummy, the navel, the inner parts of the thigh, the pubic hair, the clitoris, the lips of the vagina and the inner parts of the vagina.

    All these could be tenderly touched and caressed with the man’s hands or the tongue. Caressing various areas of your partner’s body shows an interest in the whole person.

    In foreplay, the husband and the wife should talk freely with themselves. They should tell each other what they want. While caressing one another without a rush, it is advisable for the wife to take a comfortable position with legs apart so that the man will be able to gently play with her genitals. As her husband caresses her, she in turn plays with his nipple, the shaft of his penis, the eye of the penis, the scrotum (some men like it when their scrotum is fondled with).

    I love to conclude by asking if you are worried about your sexual health. Are you experiencing a non-existing libido, or mid-life sexual crisis, or loss of erection, or premature ejaculation, or erectile dysfunction, or weak erection, or you just can’t stay long in sex as desired? Are you experiencing problems with sperm cell, shrinking penis or general penis issues? You are not far from total freedom, just email or give me a call.

     

    QUESTION ONE

    I am 35 years old and I recently started having an active sex life after a long abstinence due to my profession. I am a professional boxer and as a boxer there are times you have to abstain from sex for many months or sometimes a whole year. But my challenge now is it seems that I can’t differentiate between normal erections or prolonged, painful ones. I am not sure if I ejaculate either. How does it take before the average man ejaculates during sexual intercourse? I get so confused; I don’t understand my body at all. I sometimes take lot of alcohol to stay long during sex, but even at that my system seems to break down. I am in a dilemma can you help?

    When one alters a normal body-working- life-system it is possible the mechanism gets abnormally disrupted. It took you years to get into this condition, you have to take things easy and work towards an ideal body-working-pattern so as to gradually get things stabilized again. An erection begins in the brain. Physical and/or mental stimulation causes nerves in the brain to send chemical messages to nerves in the penis telling the penile blood vessels to relax so that blood can flow freely into the penis. Once in the penis, high pressure traps the blood within its tissues. This causes the organ to expand and sustain an erection. When you turn off this process you alter normal erection. Normal ejaculation – which is the release of semen at climax – is triggered when the man reaches a critical level of excitement. This makes sexual stimulation to cause nerves in the penis to send chemical messages, or impulses to the spinal cord and into the brain where other chemical messages are sent back to the penis through the spinal cord causing ejaculation.

    This has also been altered in you because you chose not to allow any form of excitement at all. This is now affecting the average ejaculation minutes. All things being equal an average man ejaculates within 9.6 to 15.5 minutes.

    To make matters worse, you consume lots of alcohol. You have to stop this immediately because alcohol doesn’t prolong ejaculation. Rather, it undermines the quality of your ejaculation and staying power. What alcohol does is help you get a quick feel or arousal and shortly after drops your energy and competency.

     

    QUESTION TWO

    I find that I suddenly wet boxers, even my trouser at any slight touch of my genitals. This is not only alarming but humiliating at my age (40). It’s so bad that if I don’t quickly withdraw, I almost pee in my wife’s private. I am healthy with no negative medical condition, but for the past five months I have been experiencing this embarrassing situation. When I drink less it reduces. I am not diabetic. Why should this be?

    This may be a situation of male incontinence that results from some medical conditions like enlarged prostate, diabetes, and Parkinson’s disease. Sometimes it can develop for reasons we don’t completely understand, like “overactive bladder.” This is a situation when bending, lifting, or coughing, can puts pressure on the bladder and triggers leaking. Sometimes, it can be caused by the bladder contracting when it shouldn’t. This triggers a sudden and overwhelming need to urinate. Actually, cutting back on fluid intake during the day and a few hours before bedtime, also not drinking caffeine, soda and other carbonated drinks will help a lot – especially staying off alcohol. This is because alcohol is a diuretic; it makes one urinate more.

    There may be need for you to adjust your diet and stay off spicy or acidic food, chocolate and artificial sweeteners. Then it is important to train your bladder. Visit the bathroom every half hour to urinate, whether you feel the urge to or not.

    Try keeping a record of how much you drink and how often you urinate for a few days. Then try and take note of any leaking, along with anything you drink, if you are drinking a lot or heavy lifting that might have triggered it.

    Kegel exercises can help boost the strength of pelvic muscles that help your bladder to hold urine. In spite all these there is need for you to get your prostrate checked by a medical doctor because sometimes the male prostrate starts developing problems from the age of 40.

     

    QUESTION THREE

    My husband thinks I am superstitious, but the fact remains that this thing is happening to me. Whenever we make love I sneeze so profusely – especially when the light is on. For me to enjoy sex we have to put off the light and make sure everywhere is fully ventilated. If this isn’t done, as soon as he penetrates I start sneezing heavily. He says maybe I am an ‘ogbanje’!

    No! You are neither an ‘ogbanje’ nor superstitious. The truth is workout may make some people sneeze and sex is powerful work. It happens more often than we might think. Researchers believe that the stimulation of the parasympathetic nervous system fires off signals in some people to not only enjoy the act of sex, but to sneeze when it’s over.

    Besides, exercise can make some people sneeze. This is because we hyperventilate when over-exerted and as a result your nose and mouth start to dry up.

    Sunshine may also make some people sneeze; bright sunlight causes one out of three people to sneeze. Sneezing is an important part of the immune process. It helps keep us healthy, and it protects our body by clearing the nose of bacteria and viruses. But you can stop sneezing by breathing through your mouth and pinching the end of your nose.

     

    QUESTION FOUR

    I am hypertensive but it has been under control. However, each time I add grapefruit to my diet I react and feel funny. Is there a reason for this?

    Yes, it may be surprising, but foods can affect how our medicine works. That’s why it’s always best to ask your doctor or pharmacist if you should avoid some foods. If you take medicine for high blood pressure, anxiety, or insomnia, grapefruit juice may interact with your drugs. But because you still need your vitamin C and potassium you can replace grapefruits with oranges and lime.