Category: Weekend Treat

  • How to break free of your past relationship

    How to break free of your past relationship

    By Rois Ola

    So many of us at one time or the other have been emotionally hurt in relationships. We have felt weighed down by negative pasts and sometimes negative present. At times, this experiences the hurt trust we have for other people.

    It hardens us and makes us feel cynical, believing that any new love that comes our way is just a ticking time bomb. Sometimes making us even doubt our own ability to sustain healthy relationships with other people.

    If you can identify with these anxieties, you are not alone. Who out there really likes feeling vulnerable and wants to feel disappointed or hurt again? But the problem is that your negative feelings from past failed relationships won’t go away unless you deal with them.

    Once a relationship has ended, you need time to move through your feelings and come to peace with them. Negative feelings need to be expressed in a healthy way.

    You need enough time to get over these things, Unfortunately, most people blow off this process of healthily letting go of their soured experiences from past relationships.

    Hurting and wanting to feel better, they often don’t realize that the emotional quicksand traps of their past, are not easily avoided.  It is a process that you must go through.

    Almost everyone has past relationship baggage. What needs to be in place, though, is the willingness to examine and work through emotional hurts and difficulties.

    To succeed in a new relationship, both partners must be willing to get beyond any past hurts. If this does not happen, then one day a new partner seems to do something uncannily similar to an ex, triggering a chain of emotional reactions. Even though this is a new relationship partner, the feelings are the same, and usually the reactions are as well.

    Purging your emotional ghosts

    Stop dreading that you have no control over your emotional baggage—because you absolutely do. Following are three tips to help you move beyond your past relationship ghosts:

    1.Take responsibility and accept what the past is about

    You can try this first of all by saying to yourself (or the other person, if appropriate), “I allowed myself to fall prey to your negative ideas and toxic thoughts about me. But I will not allow you to control me anymore.”

    We can all move on and grow. An ex may have told that you were not good enough, but that does not mean you have to imagine your current partner is impossible to please.  You have to take the time to purge yourself of such thoughts and be strong

    Read Also: How to rebuild trust in your relationship

     

    1. Take adequate recognition of your emotional ghosts

    This is not about blaming your parents, girlfriend, boyfriend, ex-husband, old friends, or anyone else. And it is not that these individuals necessarily actually abused you.

    Whatever the extent of the dysfunctional behaviors and patterns you have been exposed to, you must remember that you are the one in control—not the ghost. Indeed, either you control the emotional ghost or it controls you.

    No one else can help you with this. Blaming another person for doing something to you can make you feel like a victim.

    But if you stay a victim, you could be doomed to repeat negative behaviors or perpetuate negative attitudes indefinitely and never be able to successfully have a healthy relationship.

    1. Separate yourself from the issues of the past

    There are certain qualities that others value in you.  You need to be able to trace and understand what led to those issues and connect the dots, to understand how best to react.

    Was your mother angry? Take note of how you are different. Remind yourself that she was angry because her father died and her family had few financial resources, so she ended up caring for her seven siblings or any other person close to you.

    • Human beings are emotionally vulnerable with an intimate partner: We put our hearts and egos on the line. Yet intimate relationships don’t always go the way we want, which can leave us with complicated feelings like sadness, grief, anger, guilt, and resentment.We often find ourselves replaying old conversations and scenes with an ex-lover, or our family members, while wishing we could have a second chance—and a new outcome. Anger is usually the most identifiable and pronounced emotion when a relationship ends.You must keep in mind that underneath anger are usually feelings of hurt, fear, sadness, and shame. Once the anger has passed, sadness may dominate, and these feelings need to be dealt with as well.Feelings of regret also need to be worked through so that you don’t cling to the hope that your partner will magically return, all new and improved.

      In most cases, with the passage of time and some emotional work, you are left with the sense that your relationship happened as it should have, that you learned from the experience, and that you’re ready to move on, hopeful that a better partner and relationship will soon come along.

    Here are some simple action points/steps you can apply to help you

    • Step 1: Critically analyse the situation Ask yourself why your ex is still enough of a presence in your life to be creating problems in your current relationship. Unless it’s because you share children, consider curtailing your involvement with them — or cutting off contact completely.
    • Step 2: search your soul in a sincere manner: Do you like having rivals for your attention? Are you keeping your ex as a back-up in case things don’t work out with your new partner? Do you harbor hopes of getting back together? If the answer is “yes” to any of these questions, you’re not being fair to either person.
    • Step 3: Learn to prioritize put your current partner’s needs and feelings ahead of your ex’s. If you can’t, consider what that says about your present commitment.
    • Step 4: Never ever, ever engage your ex. Don’t play along with an ex who’s intentionally trying to cause trouble. If they come by unannounced, don’t let them in.If they call and text incessantly, ignore them. If you have to call them back, do it in front of your current partner.
    • TIP: Beware of an ex who only wants you back when you are happily settled into a new relationship, such a person may be narcist in nature and have a point of playing games with people’s hearts.
    • Step 5: Always as much as possible be above board Don’t contact your ex behind your partners back. Live by this rule: If you wouldn’t feel comfortable telling your partner about it, you shouldn’t be doing it, is as simple as that.
    • Step 6: YOU MUST present a united front: It will show your ex you’ve moved on, and reassure your partner that your past isn’t a threat. Remember: Your ex can’t destroy your relationship without your help.
    • In all of this maturity counts a lot as both partners have to try as much as possible to be on the same page with a little patience, tolerance and love, you both can conquer. I wish you all the best!
  • Enter hot, single on-air personalities

    Enter hot, single on-air personalities

    Kehinde OLALEYE

     

    THIS week’s celebrities are some of the brightest stars in the radio and TV sectors of entertainment. Apart from the fact that they are talented, pretty and super-smart, they are also single and some are searching.

    From ageless beauties to the super-gorgeous, these presenters all have some things in common: they are all good -looking and super single!

     

    Moet Abebe

    Who doesn’t know Moet Abebe? Laura Monyeazo Abebe, popularly known as Moet Abebe, is a Nigerian video jockey, television presenter, actress and catering executive. She’s everything rolled into one!  Two words describe her: daring and smart!

    moet Abebe
    moet Abebe

     

    Toke Makinwa

    Nigerian radio personality, television host, blogger, lifestyle entrepreneur and author, Toke Makinwa is one of the most popular radio persons in Nigeria.

    Confident, sure-footed and bold, Toke shines always. Whether she is jump-suits or maxi-dresses or incasuals or trendy wear, the author and branding genius sure knows how to dot her i’s and cross her t’s.

    Toke Makinwa

     

    Nancy Isime

    One of the hottest OAPs and actresses, Nancy has a very peculiar snazzy look that sets her apart. A model, she has worked with Ade Bakere, Adebayo Jones, Zizi Cardow, Shakara Couture, among others.

    Nancy Isime
    Nancy Isime

     

    Bolanle Olukanni

    Bolanle is stylish and smart. She’s a Nigerian TV presenter, popularly known for hosting Moments with Mo on DStv and Project Fame West Africa. She always nails it at events with her stylish and gorgeous outfits.

    Bolanle Olukanni
    Bolanle Olukanni

    Kiki Mordi

    Award-wining investigate journalist, writer, filmmaker, and presenter, Kiki Mordi, is a BBC Eye reporter and head of presenting at WFM 91.7.

    kiki Mordi
    kiki Mordi

    Eku Edewor

    From whatever angle you look at her, Eku Edewor is beautiful. She is a smart dresser wearing only things that make her comfortable and add to her beauty.

    Eku Edewor
    Eku Edewor

    Kaylah Oniwo

    This on-air personality with Cool FM, Kaylah Oniwo, is a multi-talented brand ambassador and stage artiste. Kaylah is self-confident and smart.

    Kaylah Oniwo
    Kaylah Oniwo

    Do2tun

    Oladotun Ojuolape Kayode, better known as Do2tun, is a Nigerian on-air personality, video jockey, actor and media entrepreneur. Do2tun is both sexy on and off air. Whether he is posing for a quick photo or walking on the red carpet, his bold expressive style reflects his fun-loving character!

    do2tun
    do2tun

    Uti Nwanchukwu

    Popular presenter from the show “Jara,” Uti is a model, actor and  OAP. Popularly known as Sir Uti, he is one to bring his best foot forward on and off the red carpet. He has a cute fashion sense.

    Uti Nwachukwu
    Uti Nwachukwu

    DJ Spinall

    Sodamola Oluseye Desmond, professionally known as DJ Spinall, is a Nigerian Disc Jockey, record producer, songwriter, label executive, and media personality. DJ Spinall created a style that is unique to his outfit, known as TheCAP. His dressing is not complete without this trade-mark African style-inspired cap.

    DJ Spinall
    DJ Spinall

    Yvonne Ekwere

    Yvonne Imoh-Abasi Glory Ekwere, popularly known as Yvonne Vixen Ekwere, is a Nigerian media personality, content producer and actress, who works as the presenter of E-Weekly on Silverbird Television.

    And when it comes to looking good, you won’t find her in the middle.

  • Ways to save struggling relationship

    Ways to save struggling relationship

    By Rois Ola

    It is not new that couples will argue all the time, could be serious issues or not so serious issues. The fact is it is a natural thing for both short term and long term relationships. There will always be disagreements based on difference in opinions, lifestyle, upbringing and so on, but there are times when it reaches a point where everything is starting to fall apart. This often leads to devastating breakups – but it doesn’t always have to end that way.

    It may be easier said than done but it’s always important to have a little faith and ask these questions: Have you really done enough to save the relationship? Have you exhausted every possible option to say that it’s over? Is it really over? Is it possible to still push a little bit more? Is my partner even worth it? as in really?

    So how can you save a failing and struggling relationship? Note that there are times you may feel “I just don’t love him/her anymore,” especially when life’s struggles begin to overwhelm you. Here are the tips to save your struggling relationship and keep the love alive. It may not apply to everyone. You may already be doing some of these things. But there is no harm in doing a little bit more with some kindness.

    1. Admit that mistakes have been made

    This is probably the hardest, yet the most important part of saving a relationship. Admitting that one or even both of you have failed to do your part is not easy. In moments like this one, people tend to become stubborn and quickly activate their defence mechanism in order to avoid getting all the blame. Try to work together and start from there.

    1. Learn to negotiate and reach a compromise

    Most of the reasons why people breakup can actually be remedied and solved through negotiation. Sure, this is not a business relationship but romantic relationships follow the same structure of what makes any good partnership last – regular communication and openness to compromise. Talk about what needs to be done, what you can do to accomplish them, and what you should stop doing.

    1. Establish an “honesty zone” and talk about what’s bothering you

    Again, communication is important. But honest communication is more important and can dramatically mend an almost-breaking bond between two people. Being honest with each other and letting them know how you truly feel can be liberating and at the same time, it will let you both know what went wrong and what you can do to fix it.

    1. Remind yourself of the things that made you love your partner

    Memories can bring the past back to life – and it can help you remember the things and emotions that seem to fade over time. Most of the time, couples become too busy and preoccupied with other things in life and forget the ones that matter. Remembering helps us realize that there was once a time when you were so happy and in love with that person – and the good thing is, you can bring that day back again.

    1. Spend a quiet and relaxing time together

    Sometimes, you only need to stay away from the noise of daily life and just be together in a quiet place. The chaos of the big city might be making your head spin, or the stress of your job could make you feel that everything is wrong in your life. Relax, reboot, and do it with the person you love.

    1. Take a break from the daily routines of your relationship

    What if you just need a break from everything? It’s a waste to end something so beautiful just because you were angry or tired from the routines of daily life. However, there are times when the demands of the relationship itself makes you feel exhausted. It’s normal but it doesn’t mean that it will be like that forever.

    1. Don’t try to change people according to what you think is best

    You don’t decide what your partner should be or how they should act. All you can do is to guide them so that they won’t do things that could hurt themselves. It’s one of the most ruining part of every relationship when one person tries to control the other and aside from breaking their confidence apart, you are actually teaching your significant other to be ashamed and hate their true self. It’s unfair, don’t you think?

    1. Respect your differences

    In relation to the section above, you have to respect your differences because you are two different people. No matter how perfectly matched you are in the zodiac sign department or if you think you’re soulmates, there will always be differences because you both have gone through a lot of things as well and experiences that shaped each of you as a person.

    1. Stop hurting each other

    Arguments are normal and we sometimes say and do things that could hurt the other. Sometimes, when couples fight, they do and say hurtful things just to let it all out. Words can be wounding and sometimes it can cause permanent emotional trauma. If you think you cannot control your emotions during an argument, it’s not a good idea to talk. Find a way to release the negativity that you feel but not towards your partner.

    1. Don’t let them feel that you’ve given up

    Have a little faith in every piece of what makes your relationship whole. Don’t give up on what you have too easily and learn to fight for it no matter how hurt or heartbroken you are. It’s okay to admit that you feel hopeless but never say that it’s over until it is really over. If your significant other feels that you’re not doing your part to fix it, then it could lead to a final and ultimate goodbye

    1. Ask the questions that you’ve never asked before.

    When your relationship is at stake, learn to ask the right and most important questions. What should you do to fix it? What went wrong? Whatever happened to your promises of loving each other no matter what? What else can you do to save what you have?

    1. Open your heart and forgive more

    This can be the hardest thing to do. Forgiving the person who have hurt you, the very person who promised to take care of you and to make you the happiest soul alive, can be the greatest sacrifice that you’ll ever offer to someone. However, this does not mean that you have to embrace martyrdom, to forget and forgive. It’s important to know your limits and your worth. Ask yourself these questions: is this person worth my forgiveness? Is this worth another chance?

  • CHARLES AWURUM:  Artistes are supposed to be the society mirror

    CHARLES AWURUM: Artistes are supposed to be the society mirror

    Comic actor Charles Awurum has been gracing the screen for years. The actor who until the Supreme Court removed Emeka Ihedioha as governor of Imo State, was the Special Assistant on Entertainment. He speaks with SAM ANOKAM on his four months experience as SA, his fight with Bobrisky, what he is currently doing among other topical issues.

     

    You were the Special Adviser to Governor Emeka Ihedioha for four months before the supreme court thought otherwise. what were you able to do within that short period of time?

    It was a very short period. We didn’t have in mind that it was going to be short but we were able to impact the state positively. When we assumed office, I discovered there were problems among the guilds. For instance, the actors guild have been having a problem that has lasted for eight years. There were two factions which the then governor Rochas Okorocha intervened but couldn’t settle. I brought both factions together and sorted out the whole issue and they were all happy.

    I went around other guilds like the producers, directors, musicians, Disk Jockeys, etc – I tried to bring all entertainers together. We started on a clean slate. I felt that entertainment was only happening only in Owerri the capital city, I then decided to shift some of the entertainment to the local governments. We did all of these and started to bring in people from outside the state even in the diaspora.

    We started talent hunt round the state in the 27 local governments so as to finalise in December but it wasn’t to be. It wasn’t easy. When I got in some people felt the governor brought in somebody that is not based in Owerri and they needed somebody who has been in the state. They forgot that I have been in Owerri and worked with the Art council. I also worked with the IBC (Imo Broadcasting Corporation) for a long time before I left Owerri. Then somebody feeling he was appointed before me as a Personal Assistant to Ihedioha, felt my appointment would subdue his and started carrying campaign of calumny against me.

    When people realized it was not true, he became mad. Though he was there before me he was then working for the governor as a band man. I was going through a thick atmosphere but I was able to make productions. If you came to the state during my short but eventful time, you would enjoy Imo. The governor and the people were happy. If we had been given a longer time, Imo would have been something else now. But the supreme court decided on their own to take Imo away from Ihedioha and that is going to do a lot of harm not to Ihedioha but to the great people of Imo who saw light coming. If you saw the change in Imo within seven months, you would know that the governor had a keen interest in making Imo a great place for people to stay. I shouldn’t keep quiet because an artist is supposed to be the mirror of society and not because I worked for the PDP government. When you see the truth you say it. The judiciary did not do well. They decided on their own to destroy Imo.

    The new governor might perform but everybody knows that Ihedioha was moving at a very fast pace in developing the state and the entertainment sector was going high. Usually, in this clime, when you give appointment, people believe they are going there to grab money so, anything you do from stopping them from grabbing that money they would want your neck. That was exactly what happened to me. But my intention was to work with the spirit the governor came with – develop Imo the much I can in entertainment. This disruption was not good for the people of Imo state.

    The disruption notwithstanding, what are those things you continue to do personally that you would have done for the state via entertainment if given more time?

    I am an actor, producer and director. I will be doing my productions. I can go to Imo state to shoot my movies. Then, I had to speak with some of these marketers, producers to come back to Imo for us to work together, to see how we can grow our people. The talent in Imo is enormous. When I did a talent hunt in Abia state some years back, I went to the 17 local governments and I saw raw talents wasting.

    I wanted to bring up the young ones join them with the stars and grow them. Now, I still have the opportunity but it would not be that big. I can only do what I can do on my own. My intention was to push productions down to Imo state.

    Ever since you started as a comic actor, Nollywood had not really had more of your likes coming up, why is this so?

    At the time we were up there, most of the productions you know usually have up and coming comic acts supplementing the like of myself, Mr. Ibu, Victor Osuagwu and the rest. They were allowed to express themselves.

    Nobody oppressed anybody and our duty is not even to train people, it is the producers’ duty. Our own is to be called to come and act. Anybody that is telling you that we didn’t groom others should know that it is not our fault.  The truth is that we decided not to go with what is happening now. When a production would be done with N200,000 and people will not listen to you not to go and do that production. They want to be stars, they want to be known but in the end, those productions you do will not even sell. Before, somebody gets N200,000 to shoot a movie, they will come and beg you, this time they don’t even beg again, it is the actors that go to beg them. They will not be paid, fed, given accommodation. How they suffer throughout the production is not their business.

    And that is why you don’t see most of us on sets now. If you don’t pay me what I’m worth, I will not act. There is no need forming everybody knows you and you don’t have the money. Like what the Actors Guild President is doing now, if he carries on this way, things will surely change. This is the first time I am seeing anything like this. If nothing is done now to change the attitude of producers, things will spoil. You see actors going out to steal because they are not making money yet, they don’t become that star. When you produce a sub-standard film it cannot sell. We have done our best. There are some people I even brought up. They are now popular but I don’t want to mention names. We did our best.

    Sometime ago, you got involved in a controversy with Bobrisky, what actually happened?

    I was not really fighting Bobrisky. I was trying to let the society know as well as addressing those producers who think they can make money through things that cannot help the youth. When you see somebody that is not supposed to be an inspiration, you want to make that person a role model. A role model to who? We have some of them who never wanted to bring up their head but because of Bobrisky, they started to spring up. I felt bad when I saw a production with Bobrisky in it. We shoot films where we use men to behave like women and we all know he is a man but not somebody that has changed his sex, behavior and you want the young ones to emulate such person.

    Once you start using her that way, you breed more. It is an offence in this country. Everybody knows this and still they keep quiet. Nobody wants to talk and even those that made the law are not saying anything. He is wrongly influencing the up and coming generation.

    I really was not happy about it. I have to say my mind. Fortunately, that reduced his being into production. Like they say, if he dies and there is heaven and he goes there, God would not know if he is the person He created. Our society is not the western world. We have our culture. I also shouted when they started porn in Nigeria. It is not good. Our society does not approve that. You will see children who do not know what they are entering into get lured into it. And the producer will be happy making your money? I will always talk.

    That Bobrisky case made me mad. The brother of the producer of that movie who is my friend called to ask why I was attacking Bobrisky, I said bros, first of all I didn’t know you are the owner of that movie. Secondly, you should not do things like that just because you want to make money.

     Again, when Ihedioha was removed by the supreme court, popular comedian turned lawmaker, Uche Ogbuagu began to say some things against him, what came to your mind when you heard it?

    Yes, I heard everything. What came to my mind was that politicians are not to be trusted. You don’t need to be a human being to be a politician. A human being who you call your friend who you eat and drink with then, all of sudden something happens to him, you abandon him and start saying things about him. Even if you abandon him and keep quiet, it is a different thing. When you start saying certain things, people know it is not true. Uche Ogbuagu is my very good friend and brother but I was not happy with what happened because I know the relationship between him and Ihedioha. If there is a problem, Ogbuagu have access to the governor and the governor respects him. I don’t know where that came from. At the time our governor was in pains, most of his friends left him. Some of his brothers also abandoned him. It is just a picture of the world. With Ihedioha’s case, use it to know what can happen to you tomorrow. I know how good Ihedioha was to all of us. Most of our politicians are not human beings. They are just there for their personal gains not for those people who voted them in.

    With what you have done, with your antecedent, if this current governor calls you to continue what you are started, would you accept it?

    I don’t think I will. Not because of anything but I needed to rest from what I experienced. I needed to sit down and really know what I want. I am not a politician, it really affected me. I love Imo. I can do anything for the state but for now, I need to ask myself some questions. I am on holidays maybe when I return, we can talk with whoever is there.

  • ‘Obese people are more susceptible to asthma’

    ‘Obese people are more susceptible to asthma’

    Professor of Medicine and Consultant Physician at the Obafemi Awolowo University Teaching Hospital, Ile-Ife, Professor Greg Efosa Erhabor, in this interview with Gboyega Alaka and Medinat Kanabe speaks on World Asthma Day, prevalence of the disease in Nigeria, link with obesity and latest treatment breakthroughs. Erhabor is also president/founder, Asthma and Chest Care Foundation

     

    IN celebration of World Asthma Day, can we say Nigeria is doing well in the area of Asthma management?

    We have come a long way from where we used to be. The World Asthma Day (WAD) is an annual international event with goals to improve asthma awareness and care around the world. Several chest physicians across the nation now celebrate WAD yearly to increase awareness in all the geopolitical zones by educating healthcare professionals, patients, caregivers and the general public. This has improved public alertness, thereby prompting quick response to patients with asthma when they need help.

    Also, more resident doctors are showing interest in pulmonology and training to become chest physicians. This has resulted in more standardised ways of management in our various tertiary and secondary hospitals. Basic asthma medications, inhalational therapy and nebulizers are increasingly being used by a lot of hospitals and this shows some measure of progress. Although, this still runs short of what is expected and there is still a big divide between what happens in tertiary hospitals and primary and secondary care services.

    For advancement of any disease, it is a triangle of patient management, training and research. There is still poor government involvement and active support to strengthen research and patient care in asthma in Nigeria.

    ​Can we have statistics on asthma prevalence rate in Africa as a whole and Nigeria in particular?​

    Asthma prevalence ranges from high prevalence countries like South Africa, which has a prevalence of 33.1%,to low prevalence countries like Gambia with 4.4%. Nigeria’s prevalence falls in-between. Works that have been done in the ISAAC study and studies done by scholars in Nigeria shows that the prevalence ranges from 5% to 18.7% depending on the cohort being studied. Most studies show that there is an urban-rural gradient with more asthma being diagnosed in urban than rural areas. Anecdotal evidence had shown that about 15 million Nigerians may have asthma.

    Are there some new risk factors associated with asthma management Nigerians need to look out for other than to ‘avoid smoking and other activities that trigger asthma attacks?​

    ​Basically, asthma results from interplay of genetic and environmental factors, a situation known as nature and nurture. Individuals with family history of asthma are prone to developing asthma. When individuals with genetic predisposition to asthma get exposed to certain triggers in the environment, they develop symptoms of asthma. Triggers are extremely small and lightweight particles transported through the air and inhaled into the lungs. They precipitate asthma attacks and are usually found in the environment. Triggers include pollens, house dust mite, cockroach allergens, cold air, spores, fumes, smoke, sprays, perfumes; exercise, certain drugs like aspirin, tobacco smoke, prolonged exposure to air pollution, and agents found at work place like chemicals, amongst others. People with allergies such as allergic rhinitis, conjunctivitis, sinusitis, or atopic eczema are predisposed to developing asthma. The most common trigger still remains house dust mite. However, there is new interest in the role of obesity in the development of asthma.

    Some people have linked obesity with asthma; what’s the connection?

    Within the last few years, there has been a growing number of literatures on the obese asthma syndrome. The detailed discussion of this topic will be beyond the scope of this article. How obesity contributes to asthma in an individual may vary. However, these are a few ongoing factors that have come up as the relationship:

    First, obese people are more susceptible to many strong risk factors of asthma like allergens, chemicals, cigarette smoking and air pollution. There are many things that have been attributed to it but one common one is that the diet that promotes obesity such as the western diet has high levels of saturated fatty acids, low fibers, low antioxidants and high in sugar. There is a growing literature that the harmful effects of these dietary components could lead to increased neutrophilic inflammation which predispose to asthma and increased bronchodilator response.

    Also, there have been some studies showing that obesity can lead to low circulating Vitamin D and vitamin D deficiency has been implicated in the development of asthma and obesity.

    There is also what we call a bidirectional relationship. Obesity predisposes to asthma and asthma also predisposes to obesity. For example, sixty percent of adults with severe asthma in United States are obese.

    Obese patients have worse asthma control and lower quality of life. Obese asthmatics do not respond as well to standard controller medications like inhaled corticosteroids and combination long-acting beta 2 agonists with inhaled corticosteroids (LABA/ICS), as non-obese patients. Furthermore, obese adults have 1.6 to 3 times more risk of developing wheeze and asthma.

    Obesity can cause or worsen gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) and sleep apnea and both of these conditions have caused increased risk of developing asthma.

    Patients with asthma who are obese usually have chronic low-grade systemic inflammation, which is due to the release of certain pro-inflammatory chemicals (cytokines) in the body. One of these is Leptin, which is synthesised by adipose tissue (fat tissue) and its levels in the body increases with obesity. Leptin and leptin receptors are found within the cells of the lungs, promote inflammation and contribute to bronchial asthma. High levels of leptin cause impairment of lung function, increased airway hyperresponsiveness (AHR) including exercise-induced bronchoconstriction and worsening of asthma symptoms.

    Why is asthma more prevalent in children than adults? Are there some genetic factors associated with it too?​

    ​Asthma is really not more prevalent in children as newer studies have shown. However, we need to do more multinational and intercontinental research to evaluate the prevalence because it appears asthma is still much underdiagnosed in both children and adults. Asthma runs a bimodal pattern – childhood asthma and adult asthma. Asthma tends to be more in number and in severity among boys than girls in childhood. This becomes balanced at puberty between the ages 12-14. However, between 15 to 50 years of age, females predominate. Early childhood events may influence the development of asthma, the so-called hygiene hypothesis. However, what determines the progression is being debated. Some believe once you develop childhood asthma, you continue to have symptoms. Others believe that there is a rule of third; that following development of asthma, a third goes into quiescence, some recover and others progress.

    In the face of the COVID-19 pandemic where getting medical attention is becoming difficult, what’s your advice to the average person living with asthma out there?​

    Management of asthma is usually a partnership between the physician and the patient with asthma. Asthmatics are encouraged to work with their physicians to develop a self-management plan which includes plan for acute exacerbation of asthma. Central to this management is the following:

    1.  It must be individualised and personalised. There is need to study their asthma and treatment must be personalised for each person.
    2.  Education is paramount. They need to be educated on asthma, the different components of asthma, how to recognise their triggers, inhaler techniques, self- management plan, amongst others.
    3. The early use of anti-inflammatory drugs which include inhalational steroids is advocated.
    4.  Reserving rescue medications only for acute exacerbation. The lesser they are used shows a good management of their asthma.
    5.  The use of combination therapy using long acting beta 2 agonists and inhaled corticosteroids (such as Budesonide/Formoterol, Fluticasone propionate/ salmeterol, Fluticasone propionate/ Formoteroletc) for long term maintenance of asthma. These medications can also be used as rescue medications. There are other newer drugs used in advanced countries but these are not readily available and affordable.
    6.  As a principle, it is advised to take inhaled medications for asthma because it gets delivered to the site of action, and small doses give maximum effect. However, some inhaled medications can cause oral thrush and this can be prevented by using spacer devices or rinsing the mouth immediately after use.
    7. Monitoring of their asthma, using a peak flow meter which allows them to calibrate their asthma because the peak flow meter has a colour-coded portion red, yellow and green. The Green zone shows you have good control, no asthma symptoms and you can continue to take your medications as usual. Your peak flow reading at this time is between eighty to hundred percent of your normal readings. The Yellow Zone is termed the zone of caution! The patient may have cough, wheeze, chest tightness or shortness of breath. He or she may be waking up at night due to asthma and can do some, but not all, usual activities. Use your inhaled bronchodilator with your anti-inflammatory medications and you may think of either changing medications or increasing dose. The Red Zone is the medical alert! The patient is usually very short of breath and quick-relief medicines have not helped. That person needs urgent attention.

    Asthmatics should be managed as when there was no pandemic. When they notice deterioration in their health, they should contact the nearest health facility as soon as possible. The continual use of medications like aminophylline can be dangerous and should be discouraged. Early use of steroids is encouraged because of the anti-inflammatory properties.

    What are the newer therapies in the management of asthma?

    Severe allergic asthma could sometimes be very difficult to treat, in other words they may not respond to the commonly used asthma medications. In recent times, several new medications, known collectively as ‘biologics,’ have been approved for the treatment of moderate-to-severe asthma. Biologics are unique in that they target a specific antibody, molecule, or cell involved in asthma. Because of this, they are known as ‘precision’ or ‘personalised’ therapy.

    A biologic is a medication made from the cells of a living organism, such as bacteria or mice, that is then modified to target specific molecules in humans. For asthma, the targets are antibodies, inflammatory molecules, or cell receptors. By targeting these molecules, biologics work to disrupt the pathways that lead to inflammation that causes asthma symptoms.

    Some examples of these drugs include: Omalizumab, which targets allergy antibodies known as IgE and Mepolizumab, reslizumab, and benralizumab, which all target pathways that affect eosinophils – which are cells involved in the disease process of asthma. The commonest and most widely used is Omalizumab, particularly in Europe, the United States and other regions. These drugs are used as add-on therapies for the treatment of inadequately- controlled severe persistent allergic asthma, despite the use of high dose inhaled steroid and long acting bronchodilators in patients aged 6 years or over.

    Among those who used these drugs, severe exacerbations were noticed to decline significantly. Omalizumab is given by underneath the skin injection once every 2-4 weeks based on initial serum IgE level and body weight.

    The major drawback of these agents is the prohibitive cost. For example, a vial of 150mg for Omalizumab, cost on the average $1,188. Aside this, these drugs are not readily available in most low and middle-income countries, like Nigeria. Another disadvantage is that they are mostly injectables and so they have to be administered in the hospital setting under strict monitoring.

    Adverse effects such as fever, increase susceptibility to upper respiratory infection, headache, fever, urticaria, injection site induration, injection site itching, pain, and bruising all contributed to making the use of these medications not very desirable.

    Other forms of therapy include Bronchial Thermoplasty which is an innovative, non-drug procedure developed for the treatment of severe persistent asthma. It involves the use of thermal energy to reduce the increased airway muscle that is associated with airway constriction in asthma patients and also to prevent permanent airway damage, otherwise called airway remodelling.

    In recent time, experts have also advocated the use of Tiotropium which is a long-acting antimuscarinic agent. This drug works by relaxing the airways smooth muscles and reducing the increase mucus secretion associated with difficult -to-treat asthma.

    With current COVID-19 pandemic, are more asthmatics presenting with COVID-19?

    Current observational research has shown that asthmatics do not come up with increased exacerbation during COVID-19. But this is still evolving because COVID-19 affects the parenchyma of the lungs rather than the lung airways.

    Perhaps asthma protects against COVID 19 via a different immune response elicited by the disease. ACE 2 receptor expressed in respiratory epithelium have been documented as the route of entry of SARS-Cov2 in humans. However, asthma patients have a decreased expression of these ACE2 receptors.

    Therapies used by patients with asthma can reduce the risk of infection or of developing symptoms leading to diagnosis. Suppression of viral replication was shown, as the inhaled corticosteroid, ciclesonide, blocks coronavirus RNA replication by targeting viral NSP15. There have also been reports of the inhibitory effects of glycopyrronium, formoterol and budesonide on coronavirus HCoV-229E replication and cytokine production by primary cultures of human nasal and tracheal epithelial cells.

    How best can one manage a severe allergic reaction like cough or wheezing during the lockdown that wouldn’t be misconstrued or taken for symptoms of COVID-19?​

    As doctors, we usually say that all that wheezes is not asthma. However, wheezing is not one of the symptoms in COVID-19.​ Cough in COVID-19 is dry, continuous, associated with fever, sore throat, muscle aches, breathlessness and other constitutional symptoms. Cough in asthma is usually episodic, associated with wheeze, breathlessness, chest tightness, and triggered by exogenous factors.

    At what point exactly do you place an asthma patient on nebulizer?​

    ​Nebulizer is a drug delivery device used to administer medication in the form of a mist inhaled into the lungs. Nebulizers break up medical solutions and suspensions into small aerosol droplets that can be directly inhaled from the mouthpiece of the device.They can be oxygen driven, thereby giving a dual approach to effectively managing patients with asthma. There are various forms of nebulizers. These include the ultrasonic, jet powered and mesh nebulizers. These devices are basically used in managing acute exacerbations of asthma, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease and in the delivery of certain medications in managing other diseases. The aim of nebulizer therapy is to deliver a therapeutic dose of a desired drug as an aerosol in the form of respirable particles within a short period of time, usually 5–10 minutes.

    The medications delivered via nebulizers can also be delivered using an inhaler with a spacer device and this may achieve the same result with a nebulizer. However, nebulizers are useful in acute settings. It is useful when patients do not have spacer devices, if they are too young to cooperate or in the elderly who have poor co-ordination between device actuation and breath, or any condition that makes it difficult to use the inhaler therapy. Research has shown that healthcare providers find it more convenient to administer nebulizers to patients in severe respiratory distress because less education or cooperation is required at such times, it can be oxygen driven, and it is less patient dependent.

    In carrying massive awareness campaigns on asthma management, what strategies would you suggest to reach those who actually need such education?

    I met with a group of experts in Tromso, Norway, about two years ago and we were thinking of the use of ‘M’Health as a means of education, and managing patients with disease like asthma and COPD. ‘M’ Health is a term used for practice of medicine and public health supported by mobile devices like phones, tablets, computers, PDAs, variable devices that are smart etc. This is a very easy way in which you can use your smart device to track the patients; it also contains applications that can allow the patients to make informed decision on what to do and also connect with their physicians in very severe condition. That is an innovative step.

    Other things that can be done include increasing public awareness through television, newspapers, radio, social media networks and using various public fora. There is also need for mass education in schools, churches and mosques and massive distribution of asthma information booklets.

    How readily available are nebulizers and peak flow meters in our country?

    Nebulizers and peak flow meters are now increasingly available in Nigeria compared to what used to happen in the past. OMRON has been actively involved in educating physicians, pharmacists and other healthcare practitioners globally on asthma and the use of peak flow meters, and other asthma devices like nebulizers. I am also aware that OMRON is collaborating with NEW HEIGHTS and they are involved in massive discounted sales of peak flow meters and nebulizers. Also, there are some pharmaceuticals who distribute peak flow meters free to patients. There have also been some charity organizations like Asthma and Chest Care Foundation and Breathe Easy Foundation, UK, who have been actively involved in distributing peak flow meters free of charge to patients. However, this is not enough, we look forward to more participation by philanthropists to make nebulizers, peak flow meters and asthma medications available to the masses. One of my goals as a chest physician is to ensure that every asthmatic on the surface of the earth, especially in developing country, have a peak flow meter available to him or her.

    On a final note, we want to commend bodies like the Nigerian Thoracic Society headed by Prof. Prince Ele for the work done on asthma in Nigeria. The Asthma and Chest Care Foundation, my foundation, has also been in the forefront in the provision of education, patient care and counseling, training of health professionals; advocacy and conducting of research projects towards the enhancement of the lives of people with asthma and other lung diseases. We look forward to philanthropists who will support these bodies so as to augment the efforts of the government in asthma management.

  • SUSAN FAJANA-THOMAS: Life taught me everything is temporary

    SUSAN FAJANA-THOMAS: Life taught me everything is temporary

    Susan Jumoke Fajana-Thomas is a Nigerian British politician and activist. In this interview with Yetunde Oladeinde, she talked about life as a politician with the UK, memorable moments, role models and the things that inspire her.

     

     

    WHAT motivated you to become a politician in the UK?

    Different reasons drive people to pursue a political career. Sometimes it is idealism, ideology or because of wanting to become a voice for people.  So, I will say my motivation was about wanting to be an advocate, to making a difference and to contribute to making the world a better place. This is a trait I inherited from my father, from a young age growing up in Nigeria. My father thought me the value of supporting people in your community, he thought me that to be a success you must contribute to other people’s lives.

    I have been a campaigner since I was in Nigeria. I was involved in The Better Life Programme for Rural Women project in Nigeria that started in 1987 by Hajia Maryam Babangida, the wife of President Ibrahim Babangida. When I came to the UK a few years later I continued in that spirit, I was involved with community work.  I got together with people to set up a residence association where I lived and had a Resource Centre.

    While I was doing these things in the community, I also joined the Labour Party through my Trade Union. A few of my local Labour members that knew about my work in the community encouraged me to become active in politics. It made sense; it was a logical extension of my community activism. In 2006, I stood for the first time as a Councillor in the local elections.

    Tell us about your experience as a Mayor?

    It was a privilege and I will always be thankful to my colleagues and the people that I represent. As the civic Mayor, it means that in your local area you are the number one citizen, you are representing the Queen and have the opportunity to attend many ceremonial and public duties. My term was in the run- up to the London 2012 Olympics and the Queen’s Golden Jubilee celebration.

    I attended around 400 events, met many young people, I presided over 20 citizenship ceremonies to welcome new British citizens and presided over Council meetings as the Speaker.  I travelled far and wide within the UK and outside the UK and met many prominent people. The icing on the cake was having lunch with Queen Elizabeth as part of the Queens Golden Jubilee celebrations. It was a good experience and I would not trade it for anything!

    What are some of the memorable times with the Labour Party?

    I am proud of what the Labour Party stands for and as an elected politician in the Party, every moment is memorable for me.  The Labour Party has always been about people, it was built on equality, social justice and compassion. It was formed to give ordinary people a voice and has sought power in order to improve people’s lives.

    The party has given me a platform to become a prominent campaigner and the opportunity to represent people on the council as a socialist. Having said this, two memories stood out for me. When I became the first Black woman to Chair Hackney North and Stoke Newington Constituency. Secondly, in 2018 elections, I had the highest number of votes among over 200 candidates in my area.

    You are also a socio-political activist, what inspires the things you do?

    My inspiration is to create change and to improve society’s functioning. I am a socialist that is passionate about various issues in our society.  A few of my campaigns focuses on trying to persuade people to change their behaviours and others to persuade governments to change laws.

    Outspoken and challenging on the issues that many people seek to avoid. I’ve become an interesting and distinct voice on topics previously considered as taboo within the African community, such as mental health. As a mental health campaigner, I am campaigning to end the stigma and discrimination faced by people who experience mental health problems. As part of this, my organisation is working with Secure-D-Future in Nigeria to run significant mental health anti-stigma programmes.

    I am also campaigning on eradication of early child marriage and on Female Genital Mutilation (FGM) which I believe is barbaric. Children under 16 years have no emotional capacity to commit to a lifelong decision such as marriage. Early child marriage is an abuse. I am also involved in campaigning around gender equality and women economic empowerment. Women in many African countries and homes are relegated into being housewives, without having their own income or profession. I have campaigned for equality for women, so that women can go out there and be empowered. As a woman, it is important for me that women are not just there to be supporters or just to bear children but as equal partners with their husbands.

    Importantly, I am a Universal Peace Ambassador. Of course, there would be conflict, but I believe that we need to resolve conflict in a peaceful way. I have gone round the world talking about peaceful resolutions to conflict. I am glad that in my little way, I have been able to make a difference in our society and helping to change people’s lives.

    Tell us about life at NTA?

    I had a fantastic time at NTA, I started as a Duty Continuity Announcer and to a Producer and was the Head of Presentation Unit before I left the shores of Nigeria. Working at NTA exposed me not just to broadcasting but public life. Importantly the experience helped me to lay a solid foundation for my current public life in the UK. I have not totally left my TV career behind; I still appear regularly on TV as a commentator/panelist.

    Tell us about the other things that occupy your time?

    Number one on the list is my family and friends, I love my family. The other thing is my organisation, SFT Foundation Trust with the objective to help build and develop better communities by supporting families through training, coaching, mentoring, awareness generation and research. I mentor and support young people to becoming activists and politicians both in Africa and here in the UK.

    My years of dedication has earned me seats on board of various organisations, and these also occupies my time.

    Tell us about the people that you admire?

    I admire the men in my life, and I have a few women that I admire greatly.  Some of these women are my friends and mentor and a few are my mentees and a few strong African women. My list includes, Diane Abbott MP, Jeannette Arnold, Angeline Makore, Sitawa Wafula, Jenny Okafor, Linda Ikeji, Nina Simone, Oprah Winfrey, Toni Morrison and Michelle Obama. I love and admire my mother, she is a woman that has been through storms but she has always comes out on the other side. For that, I celebrate her.

    Finally on my list is late Maya Angelou, she said success is liking yourself, liking what you do and liking how you do it. I really see myself in this sentence.

    Do you have people that you mentor?

    Oh yes, I mentor and support young people to becoming activists and politicians both in Africa and here in the UK.  I also provide emotional mentoring to young people, helping to produce social and emotional growth that will improve their relationships with peers, parents, and other adults as well as their overall wellbeing and success in life.

    Who or what do you consider to be the greatest influence in your life?

    There is no doubt about the who, it was my late father Festus Olusola Fajana. He was my greatest influence.

    The what is this quote “A dream does not become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination, and hard work”.

    Jumoke2

    What lessons has life taught you?

    What life has taught me is that you do not get everything you plan for or our plans are not necessarily God’s plans. Life has taught me that everything is temporary. If you are in this position today, you need to be conscious that things might change tomorrow. Life has taught me that I am my greatest friend, critic and the only person, that can create a successful me. Life has taught me that I should know who I am and who I want to become. Life has taught me to understand that there are always potholes on the way in life and that you must do one or two things, either to navigate around the potholes and get yourself to the other side. Or to decide that you want to halt your travel by going through the potholes and damage your car.

    Life has taught me that when you are focused, hard working, when you know what you are doing and where you are going , definitely , you would have success and accomplish many things.

    What is your definition of style?

    I am a stylish woman; I love to look and feel good in my clothes. I wear colours and styles that flatters my physical appearance and reflect my personality. My style is super chic, dramatic, elegant and gorgeous. I would not go wear things just because they are fashionable or in season.

    I love to look good because I believe looking good and successfully is halfway to being successful. I have a very excellent fashion personality. When I step out, I want to be elegant and sophisticated in what I wear.  I am one of those women whose weight fluctuates, today I am size 12, next year 14 or16. I love to coordinate my clothing and accessories and I have a selection of vintage jewellery. My jewellery speaks for themselves because they are bold and beautiful.

    What are some of your challenges as a politician?

    Of course, there are challenges, layers of them and being a Black woman is one of them.  Hard work and tenacity pay, so I work harder daily. Most important thing you can do is to be clear about your priorities and constantly review them to ensure you are doing those things that are giving you fulfillment.

    If you had to advise young people, what would you tell them?

    My advice to young people is that it is always good to think differently, empower yourself, believe in yourself, believe you can fly and believe you can achieve whatever you set your mind upon. Be guided by good values in the way you live and work. When the things that you do and the way you behave match your values, life is usually good.

    Don’t be afraid of failure, failure is part of success and try as much as possible not to walk before you crawl. Don’t look for quick money, fame or going into criminality but look for fulfilment. When you look for fulfillment, success would come. When you look for fulfillment, fame would come.

    Tell us about your plan for 2020?

    I outlined a few rough goals to accomplish this year, including a continuation of a partnership work in Africa. I also wanted to start Baby Box Scheme in Nigeria, the Baby Box Scheme, is delivering package for new-borns.

    As they say man proposes, God dispose. I did not know that coronavirus pandemic would unleash terror all over the world in 2020.  Now, all I’m looking forward to an end to the coronavirus pandemic and having a bit of normality in my life.  I want to be me, healthy and happy. Most famous importantly to continue to exalt and elevate God.

  • Damning adultery

    Damning adultery

     Feminique with Vera Chidi-Maha

    Hi people, I am delighted to know that the lockdown is a bit relaxed.  We are just to be reminded that the freedom should not lead to carelessness on our part. We are to continually remain safe and maintain social distance.

     

    OKAY, I know that this could be very sensitive because, people are well aware that there are cheating wives, but we choose to either ignore it, pretend we don’t know it is happening or just make up our minds not to talk about it. It is more convenient for us to talk about cheating husbands. We talk about it without even confirming whether it is true or not. I am just wondering why people don’t talk about cheating wives. Could it be a case of “when a dog bites a man, it is no news, but when a man bites a dog it becomes news?”

    Hmmm, I just wonder.

    Anyway, it is happening. Right under our very noses. I have heard women give excuses on why they cannot be faithful to their husbands. Some claim it is born out of vengeance. In fact, 60 per cent of the women I based my research on gave this particular reason as an excuse. “if he can cheat on me with another lady, then I will do same to him” some claim, it is due to financial reasons, “Oko kan o kun wardrobe” Check translation. Others say it is because their men have failed them in bed!

    Sometimes too, I wonder, why the men are easier caught in this cheating game more than women. A woman, I am told can comfortably date or sleep with two men, and never be caught. Have you ever wondered why? Could it be a case of man smart, but woman smarter? Or is that the man has just decided to let the proverbial sleeping dog lie? Hmmm, I still wonder.

    In some parts of Nigeria, I have been told that there are consequences when a woman cheats on her husband, in fact, I am told that such consequences can really be disastrous, depends on what part of the country the lady or her husband is from, such consequences are so grave that it could affect even a foreign wife. I was told that years back there was this pretty young white lady that was married to a man from the Ibo speaking part of Delta State Ogwashi-Ukwu to be precise. They were based in the United Kingdom. Three years into their marriage, she developed a strange ailment  that defied all medical solutions.

    The elders from her husband’s side here in Nigeria thereafter invited them in order to try some traditional treatment. Just two days after they touched the shores of our land, the herbalist that she was taken to made a few incantations and told the stunned husband that his wife needed to confess before she could be cured. Long story short; by the time  she had told the husband how many men she had slept with during their union, a few native chalks were given to her, I cant fully recall the other items that were given to her but in no time she became whole again. Another instance was when a childhood friend of mine was separated from her husband of many years.

    Actually, it was the man (her husband) that left her for another lady. Those years for her were the worst years of her life. I know, because it was my shoulder that she cried on for two years. (it actually felt like forever). By the time she began to find her feet again, a guy was there ready to make her his woman. He sent her to school to  further her education, got her a good job with a fat salary, (I must say)/ In a nutshell, he gave her a reason to live again. Her kids were with the husband in another state, so my friend decided that since her husband had moved on with his life, that it made sense for her to also move on with hers.

    Later on into the relationship with her ‘benefactor’ their relationship was consummated. As a matter of fact, the guy wanted her for keeps, as in marry her,  not minding that she had kids and was still legally married to her husband. He pressurized her to get a divorce from her husband so that she could be totally his. Considering the fact that her estranged husband was planning to wed his live-in lover, she reasoned that there might be no need for her to remain single. But something still kept her in check, call it female intuition, (if you like) but deep down she still felt her husband would come for her. Well ,he did!

    I will spare you the details of the reconciliatory moves he made and the terrible blow his reconciliation with his wife dealt her benefactor. The reason I am telling you about her is that after all the necessary family members had met and agreed on the terms of their reconciliation, her husband told the elders that there was still a big hurdle my dear friend must cross before they could sleep on the same bed as man and wife.

    He insisted he must take her  to a shrine in their country home to take a thorough bath (this is regardless of the fact they were both Christians) before the shrine and denounce all the men that had slept with and take an oath never to have affairs after they have reconciled or the consequences could  be death. She was shocked to say the least, but to keep her home at least for the love she felt for her husband and for her children’s sake, she did his bidding.

    A colleague also told me that in their own part of the country that any cheating wife’s partner after sleeping with her will have his tummy protruding in a mysterious manner until he confesses. Some daring husbands  that have cheat wives have gone as far as planting or placing substances on their wives called ‘magun’ the consequences is that when she does it the man starts foaming in the mouth and dies instantly.

    Another guy also said to me that from his part of the country if a cheating wife cooks for her husband, the husband could take ill and eventually die if confessions are not made and in time too. The instances are endless, but in the course of writing this piece, some believe that these consequences were more effective in the past and that now, civilization has taken over.

    For me, I don’t know, but it is confirmed that there are consequences when you cheat on your man, it could be on man, or the wife. Some consequences can be more than one bargained for, so, if you can, do stay faithful. In fact, if an Obama can be in the white house ,  then who says wives cant be faithful to their husbands?

     

    #takeresponsibility

     

     

  • How to rebuild trust in  your relationship

    How to rebuild trust in your relationship

    Relationship with Rois Ola

    The fact is that trust is an essential part of a strong relationship, but it doesn’t happen quickly. And once it’s broken, it’s extremely hard to rebuild.

    It is normal for most people to think cheating alone is what makes people to lose trust, but I can tell you with all confidence that this is not the case. There are so many other reasons to lose trust in your partner which include a pattern of going back on your word or breaking promises, not being there for your partner in a time of need, withholding, or keeping something back ,lying or manipulation, a pattern of not sharing feelings openly. Each of them create very high possibility of destroying trust over time.

    What can you say trust means in a relationship?

    Before going over how to rebuild trust, it’s important to understand what trust is, exactly.

    To start, it might be helpful to think of trust as a choice that someone has to make. You can’t make someone trust you. You might not choose to trust someone until they show that they’re worthy of it.

    Signs of trust in a relationship

    Trust can mean different things to different people. In a romantic relationship, trust might mean:

    You feel committed to the relationship and to your partner.

    You feel safe with your partner and know they’ll respect physical and emotional boundaries.

    You know your partner listens when you communicate your needs and feelings.

    You don’t feel the need to hide things from your partner.

    You and your partner respect each other.

    You can be vulnerable together.

    You support each other.

    It’s also very crucial to know what trust isn’t.

    In a relationship, for example, trust doesn’t necessarily mean you tell your partner every single thing that crosses your mind. It’s totally normal to have personal thoughts you keep to yourself.

    Trust also doesn’t mean giving each other access to:

    bank accounts (unless it’s a shared one)

    personal computers

    cell phones

    social media accounts

    You may not mind sharing this information, especially in case of an emergency. But the presence of trust in a relationship generally means you don’t need to check up on your partner. You have faith in them and feel able to talk about any concerns you might have.

    Rebuilding trust when you’ve been betrayed

    Having someone break your trust can leave you feeling hurt, shocked, and even physically sick. It might prompt you to consider your relationship — and your partner — in a different way.

    If you want to attempt to rebuild trust, here are some good starting points, they may not work an immediate magic , but they can help you on the right path

    Consider the reason behind the lie or betrayal

    When you’ve been lied to, you might not care much about the reasons behind it.

    But people do sometimes lie when they simply don’t know what else to do. This doesn’t make their choice right, but it can help to consider how you might have reacted in their position.

    Sure, your partner may have betrayed you to protect themselves, but they may have had a different motive. Were they trying to protect you from bad news? Make the best of a bad money situation? Help a family member?

    Maybe the betrayal of trust resulted from miscommunication or misunderstanding.

    Whatever happened, it’s important to make it clear that what they did wasn’t OK. But knowing the reasons behind their actions may help you decide whether you’re able to begin rebuilding the trust you once shared.

    Communicate, communicate, communicate

    It might be painful or uncomfortable, but one of the biggest aspects of rebuilding trust after betrayal is talking to you partner about the situation.

    Set aside some time to clearly tell them: how you feel about the situation why the betrayal of trust hurt you and its implication what you need from them to start rebuilding trust to make the situation better.

    Give them a chance to talk, but pay attention to their sincerity. Do they apologize and seem truly regretful? Or are they defensive and unwilling to own up to their betrayal?

    You may feel emotional or upset during this conversation. These feelings are completely valid. If you feel yourself getting too upset to continue communicating in a productive way, take a break and come back to the topic later.

    Talking about what happened is just the beginning. It’s perfectly fine, and entirely normal, if you can’t work through everything in just a night or two.

     Learn to practise forgiveness

    If you want to repair a relationship after a betrayal, forgiveness is key. Not only will you need to forgive your partner, but you also may need to forgive yourself.

    Blaming yourself in some way for what happened can keep you stuck in self-doubt. That can hurt the chances of your relationship’s recovery.

    Depending on the betrayal, it might be hard to forgive your partner and move forward. But try to remember that forgiving your partner isn’t saying that what they did was OK.

    Rather, you’re empowering yourself to come to terms with what happened and leave it in the past. You’re also giving your partner a chance to learn and grow from their mistakes.

    Avoid dwelling on the past

    Once you’ve fully discussed the betrayal, it’s generally best to put the issue to bed. This means you don’t want to bring it up in future arguments.it will only keep hurting you

    You’ll also want to go easy on constantly checking in on your partner to make sure they aren’t lying to you again.

    This isn’t always easy, especially at first. You might have a hard time letting go of the betrayal and find it difficult to start trusting your partner, especially if you’re worried about another betrayal.

    But when you decide to give the relationship a second chance, you’re also deciding to trust your partner again. Maybe you can’t completely trust them right away, but you’re implying you’ll give trust a chance to regrow.

    If you can’t keep thinking about what happened or have misgivings about your partner’s future honesty or faithfulness, couples counseling can help. But these signs could also indicate you may not be ready to work on the relationship.

    Nothing hurts more than feeling betrayed by someone you love and trust. Betrayal can come in many forms, such as dishonesty, disloyalty, unfaithfulness, or withholding. Each of these feels like a moral violation that cuts to the core of your emotional soul and plunges you into a place of deep psychological distress. Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. It is what allows you to feel safe so that you can be vulnerable enough to emotionally connect with another person. When relationships first begin, trust is often given early as part of an unspoken code of honor. People we choose to engage with socially are generally assumed to be trustworthy until proven otherwise. Over time, as we get to know someone, that trust grows and deepens. When we break this trust it is not just with the other person, but often with ourselves. You question not only what the other person did, but how you let the betrayal happen. For a relationship to move forward after a betrayal, it is important that trust is re-established, not only with the other person but, perhaps even more importantly, with yourself.

    Below are some steps for how to forgive and trust again once you’ve been hurt.

     Forgive yourself, forgive the other person, trust yourself and trust the other person

    If you can follow these simple rules. Hopefully with commitment and resolution to make things work, Love will find you again. I wish you all the best!

  • Girls, don’t let your friends massacre your destiny!

    Girls, don’t let your friends massacre your destiny!

    By Temilolu Okeowo

    Greetings to you an adorable and amiable Evangelist in the Lord’s vineyard. However, I’m overwhelmed by your spirited doggedness towards the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ – by and large chastity and the girl-child. I really commend your efforts on this herculean task. May God continue to uphold and strengthen you in Jesus name!

    Adedapo Odutola

    Dear ma,

    Your message touched me because I’m a victim of premarital sex. At age 19, I’ve had so many boyfriends and had sex countless times with them and can’t even remember how many guys I’ve slept with! I never knew I was destroying myself. Now that God has shed His light on my self-destructive habit, can He forgive me for defiling myself? All the while ma, I thought I was enjoying; I thought as a teenager if I don’t “flex” now and have fun with boys in my teens, I won’t be able to enjoy my youth! That’s what my friends told me and I listened not knowing I was destroying my future. To think I don’t even have examination results to get an admission into the university!  I’m really confused and disappointed; I really feel ashamed of myself and almost hate myself!

    Miss A.

    My darling Miss A.,

    Believe me, I wish I could see you, give you a bear hug and squeeze all your pain and regret out of you! I tell you, since you realised your folly and mistakes, GOD ALREADY FORGAVE YOU! All you need is a major “spiritual overhauling!” This include a lot of deliverance prayers which can rid all forms of ungodly soul ties with your numerous sexual partners and also prayers to arm you from falling back into lust! THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS MATTER if you want total freedom! Any carnal person reading this could think I over flogg the consequences of sexual intercourse with multiple sexual partners and outside marriage and say it’s no big deal! Haaa….it’s more than a big deal I tell you! It’s like gambling with one’s precious life and destiny for a few minutes of pleasure when one can actually delay all the fun and have sex every single day with one single person that would make you experience heaven on earth and help you explode into great signs and wonders! May you not invite darkness into your life! May your flesh not quench the light of God in your life in the name of Jesus! The following steps would help you but please relax! God is in control. Thank God you know now at a young age when you still have some fire to fight. Don’t worry all will be well!

    1. Separate yourself from your promiscuous friends!
    2. Be determined for a complete change of life style and the processing of a brand new you!
    3. Look for a bible teaching, Holy Ghost-filled, holiness and narrow-way focused church where you can worship. This is because you’re about to engage in the battle of your life! The stupid, bad devil would never let you off its captivity unless you put up a fight through serious prayers, consecration of your soul and some deliverance sessions to separate you from ungodly soul ties from multiple sexual partners! You certainly can’t do this on your own!
    4. Please Google my articles on “Secondary Virginity.” They would help you a lot because they were inspired by the spirit of God and your aim is to wrestle your soul and body from fleshly lust!
    5. By the time you take the steps above and read those articles on “Secondary Virginity,” your mind would be rejuvenated and you would be more focused to pursue your destiny to a wonderful manifestation and to start with study hard to get an admission into a higher institution!

    Please keep in touch! We’ll be praying for you!

    Girls…girls…girls…when I say sexual immorality can massacre your destiny, I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT! How can you keep mingling your spirit with spirits and demons residing in total strangers including the ones your sexual partners have been sleeping with and think all can be well with one’s destiny with an overload of evil baggage? Or you didn’t know a man pours his spirit, energy and practically his whole life inside you? Hmmm….you don’t even want to know what he takes away from you!

    • To be continued

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  • Are ugly ladies more faithful to their men?

    Are ugly ladies more faithful to their men?

    With Vera Chidi-Maha

    Hi esteemed readers! Hope we are keeping safe? Please don’t forget our face masks, if we must go out. I must use this medium to appreciate you for your contributions to this column.

    It has been overwhelming for me; it is also humbling. Know this please, you are appreciated. Like Tuface Idibia says, ”without you, there will be no me.”

    Today’s piece is about who is more prone to stick to her man no matter what. The one that will be there for her man 24/7; you get? I ask, does it or should it have anything to do with a lady’s physical looks? You will recall that the Holy Bible tells us that we are all fearfully and wonderfully made, meaning that in an ideal situation, nobody, especially a woman is expected to be ugly.

    You must also agree with me that a man’s beauty should not be measured by his physical appearance! I feel it should be measured by the beauty of his purse; oh sorry, his fat account; no, I mean his pocket.

    Back to my female counterparts, in my opinion, I don’t feel there are ugly women. What I know is that there are women who have stubbornly refused to update their looks.

    The white men call them “plain Janes” ugly Bettys’ and so forth. There are women who have refused to make heads turn in their direction. Comedian Basket Mouth once joked about “ugly girls, being more faithful to their men”.

    He said if you want a long lasting relationship, you should ”stick to an ugly girl”! He added that when you date a pretty lady, that there is huge risk of her cheating on you and you will have very little control over her because if you query her outings she will be quick to opt out. But the ugly lady, ”for fear of being dumped by you, will do your every bidding”.

    Dear Basket Mouth, I love you and your shows, your jokes but on this one, I completely disagree with you. I would like to remind the men that they  are wired by sight; having said that I feel it will be fool hardy for a man to want to settle for a lady based on her ‘’ugly look”.

    Being loyal to your man is not measured only by your physical appearance. A lot goes into a relationship. A whole lot! Women, as I have consistently said on this page, are wired by thoughts and words.

    Read Also: Can one maintain a civil relationship with an ex?

    How well do you really touch your woman? Remember Dolly Parton’s ”Touch your woman; everything is gonna be okay”

    Touch your woman,

    Let me know oh oh,

    Let me know oh oh,

    Everything is alright.

    A woman needs helping hands, needs somebody to understand her. Two things are basic to keep us women glued to you like white on rice, and that is the man’s touch and his words.  Know what to say and say the right things to her. Know where to touch, oh, let me sneak in this third one.

    Women love men that listen. Yes, good listeners for that matter. Not the man that yawns, when you are telling him how horrible your day went.

    Ugly ladies can cheat on a man as often as pretty babe does, especially when you make her feel like you are doing her a favour by dating her. Believe me; the moment another guy shows her little attention, she will be gone before you know it!

    How do you explain a very pretty lady dating an ugly guy? It is because of the way he treats her. I once knew of Kate, (not real name).

    She was always seen with this guy; a lot of people could not understand what Kate saw in him. Reason:  ”Kate was dropped dead gorgeous, while her man was ugly, to put it mildly. Was it money? Far from it! In fact it was Kate that was spending on him. But she confided that it was the way he made   love to her.

    She claimed that he was thorough. She also claimed that he was so thorough that he would kiss her right from her forehead to her ears, eyes, nose, chin, neck. Take note that most women love it when kisses are planted on their necks, everywhere to even her toes.

    Yes, he did all that for her. And that was why she dated no other fellow even when every other guy attempted to date her! She claimed back then that he was her bus stop!

    Basket Mouth in his joke also said if you leave an ugly lady alone for months on end, you can be rest assured that you will come back and meet her the same way you left her.

    Believe me Basket Mouth, if you don’t treat her well, whether ugly or beautiful, she will dump you so fast you won’t know what hit you.

    So, my submission is, whether a lady is ugly or not, her been faithful lies a great deal with how her man treats her.