The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Save my soul (4)

    Save my soul (4)

    Immediately I saw Avose, I wanted to scream, but the way he pointed the pistol he was holding towards my head   prevented me from doing so. I was baffled and rooted to the ground, as he moved quietly to my side.

    He looked at me with total hatred. He punched my face and tilted my head towards the bedside table. I yelled slowly and gently in pain. He cared less, all he wanted was to kill me and finish the jobs he left undone three years ago.

    As he was doing this rubbish, I quickly said my last prayers to the God Almighty. It pained me beyond marrows that I was without a child as I started the eternal trip. I thought of my parents who doted on me due to my kind and gentle nature.  I flashed back into the Odes, the new parent that really showed me true love. What of Irinkerindo, the private detective and community advocate that removed my eyes from tears?

    “Ah! Ah! Ah! My students; what a pity? God, my life is in your hands. Please, don’t let this bastard rupture my brain. I prefer to die in the hands of an enemy than in the hands of a monster like Avose. Save my soul. Please, even for the last time, father, please save my soul”.

    Hot tears welled down my eyes as I said my last prayers. That was the day reality crept into my life that nobody sees death, or knows his date and hour of death without turning into a jelly fish.

    I was saying all these and suddenly, he put the gun back into a small sack that he brought. He furiously dragged me forward again and tied my two hands to the back. Making sure I could not escape, he led me to the door as the dogs continued to bark rigorously.  Sensing that nobody was looking at him, he disappeared into the thin air with me. I was too weak to think of freeing myself. My mouth was sealed and my hands were tied.

    As we approached the Mosala gate, he cleaned all the blood on my body and removed the ropes and the tape in my mouth. He threatened to slash my throat alive if I didn’t pretend that all was well as we approached the Mosala security formation post. I had no option than to say yes. But deep down me, I continued to pray for miracles. We passed the first gate unnoticed. We were about scaling through the third gate when a siren blared. We were the target of the security men. They were to rescue me from Avose!  That was the order, and it was from the above. Either he died or not was not their problems, but to rescue me.

    Back home, Hajia Totoro had gone to her kitchen to cover the herbal pot when she noticed that the drape by my kitchen side window was half knotted. She alerted other inhabitants who put action into motion. Calls were made to both government and local vigilantes. Just to tell you that Avose was a terrible ma, he played smart on the neighbours by escaping through the back fence, where he collapsed a part of the structure. I had already put the hope of seeing another day, when suddenly I saw some guards running after us.

    Asides this, Irinkerindo, on getting my text messages, notified the needed authorities. Even before my good neighbours started alerting each other, those detectives Irinkerindo called were already in action. All escaped roads have been blocked, but the fact was that he shouldn’t kill or maim me before getting help. Knowing that rather than leave me alone, he could think of wasting me, I had no value to him. Imagine, a man that I gave all my life to! My virginity, loyalty, support, commitment and so on.

    Avose saw a horse tied to a stake. He went there, untied it and started running away with me. It was a hot chase by those who wanted to rescue me, and to my assailant too, same was the word.  The hot chase later resulted into a gun shooting. The exchange of the gunshot were so tensed that I almost choked up; yet Avose refused to let me go. Those who wanted to rescue me too were trying not to hit me in lieu of their target. I have watched something like this in films, but meeting death face to face gave me the vivid impression of what life was all about.

    Avose in a fury lifted me up and placed me on the top of the horse again and started running away with me. He wanted to escape at all cost. Opposite direction was my husband and some of his people who dressed in native hunters’ attire. So, Avose and I were now in the middle. When he knew that the bubble was about to burst, he ran towards the flowing river in the pineapple farm settlement. The speed was so fast that he lost control of the animal.

    Despite the fact that I was famished, I yelled out like a child whose boil was been forced to open. The horse threw me inside the mud and threw Avose by the big baobab tree. He gave out a pitiful and loud scream.  Blood gushed out from his mouth, nostrils and head. He died on the spot.

    Perhaps I fainted afterwards because I woke up to find myself in the hospital. Drips were being passed into my veins. I was so light in body and soul. I heard the doctor informing my relatives not to give me solid food until I finished the drips. My husband later came in with food basket and another bag with lots of fruits. Many were happy that I didn’t die.

    One of the nurses ran inside to give me the phone because the Odes had been trying to reach me. They had begged the Chief Medical Director to allow them have access to me via phone whenever I woke up. They were too happy to speak on the phone. The only thing that I could fathom from the conversation was “God is great”.  My parents came the second day. And their trip was sponsored by Irinkerindo who bought for them a return  ticket because of the long distance.

    The results of the tests that were carried upon by the medical team came out the second day. There, it was revealed that I was two months pregnant. I was full of smiles. My mother in law spoke to the doctor in the Fulfude language to be truly sure, to which he confirmed. It was a celebration galore. But my mother in law instructed we should do all the merriment at home, and that was upon departure from the hospital.  She didn’t want any relapse.

    Throughout that week, the news of Avose and his wicked act were all over the media. My parents warned me not to talk to the media. My husband opined same. Some reports were accurate. Some were not. I read some and smiled, and some made me screamed. But they were really reporting Avose. Well, it was over for the wicked idiot as God had vindicated me. I was discharged and went home to thank all that stood by me in the stormy hours.

    Two years ago, I was invited to an international conference in Spain where I spoke about my experience. The narration alone drew tears into the eyes of the participants. I told them all that I knew. And I also let them know that ‘survivors’ like me had the reason and need to live a new and normal life again!

    Three months ago, my manager finalized the plans by an USA based film company to feature me in a documentary to let my experience in life become a research topic for all to see and hear. The money to be paid to me was in millions. Besides this, I have to   model for some organizations in order to curb violence globally. They were looking for the violence survivors. I am the change angel.

    Yesterday, it was tears of sorrows. But today brings in tears of joy! I am a survivor.  Fate has saved my soul. As you can see, what do I say more than, ‘save my soul’.

  • Understanding why women fall out of love

    Understanding why women fall out of love

    WHEN it comes to relationships, there is nothing more magical or fulfilling than falling in love. It’s the ultimate in emotion, the prize, the best part of being with another person. It’s not surprising, then, that falling out of love is one of the most confusing feelings we can experience in life. Yet many women, for many reasons, find themselves in this unexpected place – feeling as if the magic of love has taken a nosedive. But evaluating the relationship midflight can be a tricky proposition. Before you decide if you are fully out of love, read on to see what matters can be changed.

    The notion that the grass is greener is notorious for creeping into, and destroying, relationships. Just because you’ve settled into a comfort zone with your partner doesn’t mean there is excitement around the bend with someone else. The devil on your shoulder may tell you differently, and listening to that voice will pull you away from listening to your partner.

    Communication is critical if a relationship is to grow, and it becomes even more important when there are bumps in the road.

    Concerns that love may be diminishing will start small, with subtle changes in the way you think. The following are all indicators that you need to work on your relationship:

    * You no longer enjoy thinking about your partner throughout the day like you once did.

    * You don’t look forward to your time together.

    * You don’t share the same goals and plans for your future, and you avoid talking about them.

    * The little “things” are beginning to annoy you in a major way.

    * You no longer think of new ways to please him.

    * You are thinking of someone else.

    Evaluating your feelings

    There may be valid reasons for the way you feel, especially if your partner is not giving you what you need. But before you throw in the towel, take a good look at where you’ve been together, and take some time to decide if the relationship is worth saving. Feeling as if you’re falling out of love may simply be a wake-up call that you need to catch each other and take the stairs – together –one by one.

    Before your relationship turns from passionate to lukewarm, notice the warning signs that trouble may be ahead. Has sex become a distant memory for you and your partner? Is there only an occasional physical reminder of the passion you used to share? Sex is an important part of any relationship, so if your sex life has diminished, there is likely some underlying emotional reason for it.

    Communication issues and unrealistic expectations are two of the main reasons people find themselves falling out of love. But there are things that can be done to stop the fall. Relationships are hard work; they should be viewed as investments, particularly if there is a marriage.

    Take stock of your feelings, and do it often. Ask about his feelings, and do it regularly. Growing apart can happen quickly and unexpectedly, particularly if your lives involve changes in kids, work, hobbies, goals, and values. In marriage, falling out of love can have particularly devastating consequences.

    It may be more difficult for women to come to terms with, or even admit, that they are having problems maintaining the feelings of love for their spouses. They have to make a decision to dissolve or save the marriage while battling conflicting emotions.

    Men seem to be getting all the attention when it comes to relationship muck-ups and falling out of love. Bestselling book, Why Men Fall out of Love(2005), by Michael French, was a big hit with readers, but no such book has been written about women. Women, meanwhile, often think they are the “fixers” of the relationship, and tend to seek out information to remedy the problem. They may perceive men to be indifferent and construe their lack of communication as cruel. As the women feel more neglected, the slow process of falling out of love begins. Neglect isn’t as concrete as infidelity or physical abuse, so it is a tougher area to discuss directly.

    See your partner for who he is. If he treats you poorly now, he will later. If he has a bad habit of putting you down in front of his friends, see it as a red flag. These actions may not make you feel like falling out of love now, but soon enough they will wear on you.

    Looking at the Numbers

    Many marriage counselors advise waiting until after the age of 25 to tie the knot; others say waiting until at least 30 is best. Of course, the level of maturity is certainly more important than the calendar years, but give these numbers a little thought.

    Are you on the rebound? If so, beware of getting involved with a new partner too quickly. Regardless how right or perfect he seems, your heart needs time to mend, and your brain needs time to make rational decisions. Rebound romances tend to be hot and heavy at first, but you could find yourself in a sticky situation if things get out of hand. If the relationship is strong and worthy of going the long haul, a little caution is necessary. The same goes if he is the one nursing a broken heart.

    This leads to the topic of second marriages. Despite the notion that you learn from your mistakes and won’t make them again, second marriages are not always the lucky charm. The added pressures of stepchildren and ex-spouses is one of the major stressors on relationships. Those who enter a relationship where children already exist face an even greater potential for problems down the road. Setting ground rules right away is necessary for the relationship to grow and succeed. Without them, falling out of love is an unfortunate possibility.

    4 Reasons We Fall in Love, Falsely

    Some of the reasons why women fall out of love is because they never fell in love for the right reasons to start. Check this list and see if you are a culprit.

    1. The biological clock. That biological clock’s tick-tock may be driving you nuts, but you’re better off finding something to drown out the noise than give in to its chimes. With all of the technological advances we have seen in recent times, age is much less a factor today than it was a generation ago. If a family is part of your plan for the future, make yourself happy first. If that involves being in a healthy relationship, focus on making good choices; the rest will follow.
    2. Social acceptance. Don’t just date someone because having a boyfriend makes your mother happy. Figure out what makes you happy and go with it. Take a class, participate in a new activity or take a trip by yourself. Whether you are hoping to meet a man or a friend, there are many great ways that don’t involve bars.

    A growing number of women are finding that being single is fun. In fact, the 2005 census shows that there were more single women, 51 percent, than married women.

    1. Sympathy. Who hasn’t dated a guy because he had those sad puppy-dog eyes and looked like his heart would break if you said no? The problem is that one date turns into another and the next thing you know, he has moved into your life, your apartment and your checkbook. Don’t play the martyr; it can lead to disaster.
    2. Sex. Come on ladies, this isn’t a reason to fall in love. If sexual intimacy is tops on your list of priorities, there may be other issues you need to work on first.

    Many women fall in love for the wrong reasons. That doesn’t mean the love is any less passionate or meaningful; it just means women set themselves up for disaster by not paying close enough attention to the details. Wanting to fall in love is a normal, natural part of our social makeup. But if you are desperate to find love, for whatever reasons, you risk productive future relationships and your own happiness.

    Are You Headed For A Divorce?

    You may be worried that you or your spouse is getting ready to file for a divorce. This can be a scary time where you question whether your marriage is over and try to determine what went wrong. Whether you are already preparing to take the divorce plunge, or you are worried about life after divorce, take this quiz. Find out if you and your spouse are headed for a divorce.

     

    Source: http: www.lifescript.com

  • Many things I wish I had known about sex

    Many things I wish I had known about sex

     No one told me that it takes a while before you’re comfortable doing it without any accompanying music to drown out the sounds you and whoever you’re doing it with will inevitably make.
    No one told me that there’s is a real difference between doing it with the lights on and doing it with the lights off.
    No one told me you don’t physically feel a difference, you can’t physically feel a difference, between when you’re being safe and when you’re playing with the chance of pregnancy. Your body doesn’t tell you at the moment of conception, that you’re at the moment of conception.
    No one told me that you get tired sometimes, and sweaty sometimes, and your partner does too.
    No one told me that sometimes if you aren’t entirely comfortable with someone, you notice all their physical flaws while they’re inside you. I wasn’t aware until it happened that during sex you can notice the way someone’s skin isn’t perfect everywhere, and you can notice the way their nails feel kind of uncomfortable when they grip your bare shoulders.
    No one gave me a warning that at its core, having sex is something that you kind of know how to do naturally, but that also, at its core, sex can be something that you can kind of be really bad at. That sometimes you’re just not going to have a rhythm with someone, and you’re going to notice the way that your hips and their hips always seem to be going in opposite directions and its going to be frustrating, and it’s going to make you want to stop moving your hips at all.
  • 23 crazy, weird signs that might mean you’re in love (2)

    23 crazy, weird signs that might mean you’re in love (2)

    HE pushes your buttons in ways that no one else ever could, and it makes you want to scream in frustration. How could he spark something this intense in you?

    12: You have more energy

    As you go through your day, you feel more alive and energetic, as if you have a constant adrenaline rush going through you.

    You feel more productive, like you can take on the world every single day. And you’re not on drugs. Well, you’re probably not on drugs. You’re not on drugs, right?

    This weird, natural energy boost that lifts your mood and gets you excited through the day… where did it come from? It’s a crazy experience, it actually feels like you’re high on life.

    Could it have come from… him?

    13: You get defensive when your BFF is negative about him

    So you know how your BFF’s job is basically to rag on the guy you like, right? Well, maybe normally it wouldn’t bug you and might even be comforting to hear, but in this case, it’s the complete opposite.

    You have an instinctual need to protect him if she dares say anything even remotely rude about him. Even if she’s not saying something that bad, her not being super appreciative of his amazing nature is enough to spark a bit of fury in you.

    14: You have fun talking with him no matter what you’re talking about

    It doesn’t matter what the topic is, you’re just delighted to be having a conversation with him about anything.

    Even the most random, uneventful stuff (like the weather or the news) becomes exciting, engaging and fun. You can even talk about stuff you don’t care about at ALL (like his fantasy football league that you’re not even in) and it still feels like you’re having the most interesting conversation in the world.

    (Seriously, dudes, unless we’re in love with you, or IN it, we don’t care about your fantasy football league.)

    15: You totally stop thinking about your ex

    So you might have had an obsession with your ex-boyfriend who broke your heart and cheated on you with his ex-girlfriend (or whatever he did).

    You might have missed him or completely hated his guts with a burning passion that could light a thousand suns. You might have gone weeks where every morning you wake up and your first thought is wondering whether you could fit him inside a blender.

    And now? You actually pretty much don’t care anymore. You don’t fixate on your anger for the guy who screwed you over. You almost feel a sense of indifference.

    It’s a crazy experience. You never thought you’d see the day where he’s truly gone from your thoughts, but now he is… because someone else has taken over your thoughts.

    16: You do boring stuff with him just to have the chance to spend more time with him

    Does he have to go to the super market because he’s out of eggs? Sounds like fun! He needs to stop at CVS to pick up razors? Sign me up!

    No matter how boring it is or how much you’d normally hate it (errands, ugh), you’d never turn down the chance to do it with him.

    17: You can talk to him about anything

    And I do mean anything. You’re totally comfortable around him.

    You can pee with the door open without feeling weird. You tell him about a gross zit you popped the other day, he laughs and pretends to be grossed out.

    And when you have something serious to talk about with him, you know he would give you his full undivided attention about anything… just like you would for him.

    18: You can’t concentrate at work and suddenly have ADD

    So you’re at work and supposed to be doing some kind of spreadsheet or paperwork or training the new killer whale at the park to jump through a hoop, and what are you doing instead? You’re daydreaming about him.

    Or if you’re around family and friends, your mind is elsewhere. You’re just not present in the moment with them, because you’re thinking of him.

    You can’t even help it, it’s like you’re in this beautiful daydream where it’s just you and him in the world. You feel like you’re in a small world built for two, a world only you and him could ever possibly understand.

    You might even be dodging your responsibilities in lieu of an all-day text or email chain with him. And when you’re not writing, you’re sitting there obsessively checking your phone or refreshing your email waiting for the second he writes back.

    19: You can’t explain why you’re always happy

    All of a sudden you feel giddy and lighthearted for no apparent reason at all. Things that might have annoyed you or brought your mood down before don’t seem to bother you at all now.

    It’s like you’re a different person. It’s as if there’s a ray of sunshine splashing across your face. And the best part is the smile on your face comes from a place within. It’s a specific kind of happiness you’ve never experienced before. And it’s beautiful. You can’t even help it.

    20: You’re less attracted to other guys

    Ryan Gossling? George Clooney? Brad Pitt?

    Eh, whatever.

    He is enough. You can see your favorite actor and not even have the same heart-stopping reaction you would have before.

    And if you even think of being with another guy, it doesn’t really appeal to you the same way it used to. You don’t feel any kind of intense attraction to them anymore.

    All you want is him.

    21: You mentally make note of the things he likes

    Quick: What’s his favorite song? Or his favorite movie? Or his favorite color?

    Did you just rattle off the answer?

    If he mentions specific, random things he likes you can’t help but take notice. Subconsciously or not, you want to know how to make him happy.

    22: You save and remember all the firsts you have with him

    You remember the first time you met him. The first time you kissed. Or you might even have the ticket stub from your first date.

    Whatever it is, little moments with him become special, cherished memories. And you remember every detail.

    23: He scares the hell out of you Deep down, you know in your heart that if he wanted to hurt you, he’d be able to completely destroy you. You might not want to admit it, but he could break your heart so badly it’d bring you to your knees in pain and send tears streaming down your red blotchy face.

    If he tries to show you his emotional side, you might try to act like it’s too much too soon but secretly, deep down, you love every second of it.

    If you’re really honest with yourself, you’re terrified of where this could possibly lead with him, and yet you can’t help but want to take things further.

    And you know that if tomorrow you woke up and weren’t afraid of what the future with him could mean, you would miss it more than anything.

    So to sum it all up…

    Remember, a lot of the time, the biggest obstacle to love is denial . It’s scary to realize you’re in love, and it’s really easy to say, “Nope, not me, I’m not in love with him, nooooope.”

    But if you read this list, and realized that a bunch of these signs apply to you…

    Well then I hate to break it to you sister, but you’re in love.

    If you’re in love, first of all congratulations, and second of all that makes it even more important that you handle these to make or break moments every woman experiences in her relationships with men because if you already love him then your potential for heartbreak is as high as possible, so pay attention because this next step is vitally important. At some point he starts to lose interest. He doesn’t call you back or he becomes emotionally closed off. He seems like he’s losing interest or pulling away – do you know what to do? If not you’re putting your relationship and the future of your love life in great danger.

    Concluded.

     

    Source: vixendaily.com

  • When your partner stalks you

    When your partner stalks you

    Over 50% of ex-partner stalking started before they left their partner (Mullen, Pathe and Purcell, 2009)

    They become demanding/controlling, they want to know who you are texting, e-mailing, what you are saying.  They are suspicious, perhaps even paranoid.

    They are contacting you multiple times a day asking you to confirm where you are at – if you are at an unusual place and they seem to know – suspect that they have put some geo location software on your phone.

    They start sending aggressive, abusive or threatening texts.

    They start to contact your friends and family trying to check up on you, get information about you, or trying to damage those relationships.

    They start to spread rumors, put abusive, embarrassing comments online via social network, forums etc.

    They seem to know information that you haven’t told them or know what you do online such as websites you’ve gone to, people you’ve chatted or sent e-mails to etc – suspect spyware on your computer

    Your passwords stop working or keep changing.

    You find e-mails marked read that you haven’t read, or e-mails sent from your account you haven’t sent.

    Money starts going missing from your online bank account or goods being bought via online stores you use.

    Information is deleted such as friend’s contacts, computer files, e-mails.

    www.digital-trust.org

  • 7 tips for coping with a paranoid partner

    You can’t argue with a delusion. But you can look out for yourself.

    Living with a person who eavesdrops, feels rejected for no reason, seeks endless reassurance (but is never reassured), thinks others are looking askance, sneaks into private communications, and makes false accusations takes a toll. While many of us may feel suspicious, rejected, excluded or hypersensitive from time to time, chronic paranoia in a functioning person (one who works, socializes, and has a family) can be a monumental problem. It is painful for the paranoid person and heartbreaking for the accused.

    Persecutory interpretations of normal events might include: “How come I got the cheaper present?” “Why are you talking about me behind my back?” “You are having dinner with someone else and leaving me out!” “She gave me a dirty look because I did not open the present right away.” “They are ganging up on me!”

    Paranoia can be a symptom of several illnesses including schizophrenia, brief psychosis, paranoid personality, psychotic depression, mania with psychotic features, or substance abuse, chronic or momentary. It can range in intensity from a character style to a severe impairment.

    One form of paranoia that is particularly difficult to diagnose and treat is Delusional Disorder of the Persecutory Type. In DDPT, the sufferer is gripped by a delusion (a fixed false belief) that involves a singular situation or person—a “circumscribed” delusion. A wife “knows” that her husband is cheating on her with the neighbor, a person is convinced a co-worker is snooping in his desk, a manager is clear that employees are plotting to get her fired, an adult child is immovable in his belief that his father’s new wife cut him out of the will. The fixed false belief plays out around this one notion or person, while in other ways the afflicted may function just fine.

    DDPT involves plausible situations—the delusions are non-bizarre and could really happen. (Spaceships landing in the bedroom, an alien light beaming into the kitchen brain, or a World War II platoon in the backyard would not be characteristic.) In DDPT, the sufferer may appear to be in touch with reality because terrible things do happen, people do betray each other, etc. In most cases, however, the individual’s imagined horror is just that—imagined.

    People with DDPT do not think they are paranoid, but rather perceptive. They believe that they alone are onto a conspiracy, crime, or act of malevolence. Their conviction that a  crimeis being committed is rock solid. If you try to talk them out of it, you may alienate them and they could become even more staunch and defensive. Their inner reaction might be, “You do not get it and now I am even more alone with this problem.” Their misguided fight for truth, justice and revenge ramps up and the delusion becomes more deeply entrenched.

    “Never argue with a delusion,” one of my mentors often said. Paranoid people are fragile and ill, in the sense that they are out of touch with reality. However, they can become terrifying if fantasy turns to action. The need to retaliate against imagined assaults combined with intact “executive function” (the ability to think and plan) leads to aggressive behaviors and schemes. Calling the police or summoning lawyers is not uncommon. Innocent people, accused and besmirched, are traumatized. (Manipulators may also lie to law enforcement in familial or domestic disputes, but this is different: I have heard stories of raging spouses calling the police with false claims of abuse more than once and an innocent person put in jail for a night.)

    Well-meaning colluders fuel the flames. Head shakes, back pats, disdain towards the accused, and meddling on behalf of a false underdog can destroy relationships or lives. Gentle consideration and curiosity about all that is presented and some ability to see beneath the surface is key, as opposed to automatic acceptance. Some people (trained or untrained) are talented at perceiving underlying phenomena, while others are more likely to take things at face value.

    Think about an accusation: Does something seem off? A good tactic is to empathize with the feeling, but to neither agree or disagree with the facts. Be empathic with the emotion and let the thought be there. Observation, reflection, curiosity and openness without judgment lead to a deeper understanding. One cannot truly grasp this confusing illness without an understanding that characteristics can conflict, people can say one thing while another may be true, and people can be far more troubled than they appear.

    At any rate, if you can get the person to treatment, then chaos, heartbreak and destruction can be avoided and the afflicted relieved of oppressive fears. Paranoid assaults and magnanimous moments are not mutually exclusive—severe illness can present dramatically or subtly.

    A quip like, “It cannot be possibly be true, so and so is such a nice guy,“ is common. It is not cruel or judgmental to recognize an illness. It is not necessary to dismiss positive qualities in a person with a sickness.

    The truth is a form of loving support.

    Since any person may decline professional help unless they are a danger to self or others in the moment, the illness DDPT is underreported.

    Here are 7 thoughts/suggestions:

    1. If you are with a paranoid person and experiencing worry and despair, you are not alone.
    2. Consolation and refutation will not likely alter paranoid convictions or delusions.
    3. Professional help or meds can make a big difference and bring relief, not shame.
    4. Do not argue with the delusion or collude, but be empathic with the fear. Go with the emotion, not the facts.
    5. A paranoid or otherwise mentally ill person can contribute to family, work, and life in many positive ways.
    6. Because of the circumscribed nature of the paranoid delusion in DDPT only those involved or accused may be aware of the severe psychopathology.
    7. Gather, reflect, observe, and look below the surface before getting swept up into supporting a false claim.

    www.psychologytoday.com

  • Pregnant at 19, Married at 20, Separated at 23

    Pregnant at 19, Married at 20, Separated at 23

    Biola Makanjuola a Canada-based Nigerian relationship coach took to her Facebook page to share her experience of getting pregnant when she was 19 and her marriage to her baby daddy at age 20 thinking a marriage to her child’s father would fix things for her and then separation at 23 due to emotional abuse and a toxic relationship.

    She encourages people who have experienced similar feelings of despair.

    She says:

    “Got pregnant at the age of 19, was zero’d out, condemned, alone and lost. Became a mother & thought it best to make it official with my son’s dad at the age of 20

    Got into unhealthy patterns in our relationship that led to emotional abuse and toxicity for the most part. Finally got the courage to separate at the age of 23 after going through an abortion and Sexually Transmitted Disease.

    This started my downward spiral into involving myself in multiple toxic relationships between the ages of 24 – 27 Confused, lost, dark, toxic relationships was my drug of choice. Felt unworthy, self-esteem dragging on the floor begging to be picked up, had little or no confidence, gave up my power to define who I was to other people because I just hated the woman I had become. I constantly questioned why I was so different and abnormal.

    My body defined my worth. I clearly had nothing to offer. My single motherhood didn’t even help. They said I couldn’t do any better because of my baggage. I agreed with them and gave them my power. It was their word over mine.

    Finally got tired of engaging in this toxic cycle and decided to embrace my difference. At this point, I was tired! I was sick! I was done! I found my light towards the end of 2016.

    Found the love I had been seeking the whole time in myself. Things started clicking. I found my purpose. I realized I had a story to tell and was determined to share. I was worthy and enough the whole time and didn’t even know it. I finally found my voice and I promised myself to speak my truth.

    I promised God that if he took me out of my misery and showed me the way, I will spend the rest of my life serving.
    Currently serving and growing a tribe of women who believe in their power to create their stories and would do anything to make it happen”.

     

     

  • Three Signs You’re in a Bad Relationship

    Three Signs You’re in a Bad Relationship

    One of the most difficult things to admit is that a relationship that started out great and with so much promise has turned into something bad. When we enter a relationship, we’re wearing rose-colored glasses, focusing on all our partner’s good qualities and ignoring their faults.

    That’s why our family and friends are better at predicting the outcome of our relationships than we are! Here are three signs that it might be time to end your relationship.

    1) You don’t have personal freedom

    Relationships are not about controlling another person, they are about giving complete freedom and seeing that each other’s decisions are aligned. Every person has unique needs and the best relationships are ones in which partners fulfil each other’s most important needs.

    If you find your partner is controlling how you spend money, who you hang out with, how you dress, or any other decisions, take it as a big red flag. People who control their partners are insecure about their ability to meet their needs.

    They fear that freedom will help their partner realize that life is better without the relationship. A secure partner is confident in their ability to meet the other’s needs; they know that if their partner leaves them for someone else, the relationship wasn’t meant to be. This news might be tough to take at first, but in the end, there’s a better match out there and the relationship’s ending opens the door for a more fulfilling union.

    2) Your 80/20 ratio is off

    One of the most well-known couples researchers, John Gottman, is able to predict divorce with 90% accuracy. How does he do it? By watching partners communicate with each other, and coding their ratio of positive to negative exchanges.

    Couples should have at least 80% positive interactions. The other 20%, according to Gottman, may never get resolved. The arguments that are present at the start of a relationship are going to remain salient all the way through. Instead of focusing on those sources of conflict, the goal is to enhance the 80%. Work on making the relationship as positive as possible and let the rest go.

    If you find yourself in a relationship with a ratio slanted towards the negative, it may not be the healthiest. Try to make things work for a period of time, but recognize that expecting a partner to change is not the wisest strategy. It might be time to move on.

    3) You wish you were home alone

    You’re in a bad relationship when you find yourself wishing, too often, that your partner were not around. You start to realize that life would be easier and happier without them. When you’re in each other’s presence, things are tense, arguments ensue, and you feel unhappy.

    Waking up each morning is dreadful because they’re still there. Don’t stay in a relationship because you think you won’t find anyone better. Being on your own is better! It takes courage to admit that a relationship has turned sour but you’d be surprised at how strong and happy you can be on your own.

    Life is too short to waste time on someone who is not good for you. Your well-being is intricately connected to your partner; when the relationship is great, you’re great! But when it’s not going well, it adversely affects you in a big way. Every relationship experiences tough times and it’s worth working on issues to see if it will improve.  But when your happiness and well-being are affected for years or your partner is not helping to make things better (despite repeated requests!), it may be time to go.

    Culled from Psychology Today

  • Why you should not have extra-marital affairs (1)

    Why you should not have extra-marital affairs (1)

    NO matter how much you try to justify being in a relationship with a married man, there are no positive reasons for dating a married man.

    Below are 18 top reasons why you shouldn’t date a married man

    1. Dating a married man is just plain wrong. No reason justifies your action.
    2. You will always be second best when you date a married man. Why be second best to a married man when you can be another man’s number one?
    3. When you date a married man, everything about the relationship will be a secret because he doesn’t want anyone to know about the relationship.
    4. You ruin your reputation when you date a married man as you give people another reason to speak poorly of you.
    5. Why date a married man when he will never truly be yours. He’s married to another woman and he will never fully be able to commit to you.
    6. Dating a married man never has a happy ending.
    7. You are just a tool for his sexual gratification. No matter what he tells you, you definitely mean nothing to him.
    8. Time waits for no one. When you date a married man, you just waste precious time you might have had in a healthy relationship with a chance of flourishing.
    9. You won’t have him during special moments in his life as he would definitely spend it with his wife and family.
    10. You can’t see him or call him anytime you want. What’s the point being in a relationship in which you can’t call or see your partner anytime you want?
    11. You will become a regular customer at a hotel off town because you can’t come to his house.
    12. If someone he knows sees the both of you together, you will be introduced as his niece, cousin or even baby sitter. Why don’t you spare yourself such embarrassments.
    13. He might tell you his marriage is having issues and promise to marry you but that’s what they always say. It’s all lies.
    14. He will never respect you as a person.
    15. You can’t proudly introduce him as your man in public.
    16. Every man who knows about his relationship with you will see you as cheap and loose.
    17. If he can cheat on his wife to be with you, he will definitely cheat on you to be with someone else when he becomes tired of you.
    18. You stand a high chance of being publicly disgraced in public by a crazy wife. Spare yourself such embarrassment.

     

    Source:  www.elcrema.com

  • Ways to know if your partner is cheating

    DISCOVERING a partner’s affair is easier than ever before in history. Text messages, emails and online credit card statements leave the careless cheater with an electronic affair trail a gigabyte long. We know the typical telltale signs: weight loss, new music or food interests, the purchase of a new wardrobe. But if your affair radar is up — because your partner’s behavior just feels off or out of the ordinary — here are 13 not-as-conspicuous signs you may be overlooking.

    1) Time-stamping: Optimizing precious moments with a lover is a balancing act, so he’s counting minutes. “It won’t raise any red flags if I’m home by 6:00 p.m. on the dot,” he rationalizes. Or, “If I call her every day at noon, she won’t get suspicious.” He’s drawing timelines in the sand — and being uncharacteristically prompt or oddly ritualized with his schedule may be one way he does that.

    2) New lingo: A friend of mine’s suspicions grew when he heard his wife irritably yell, “Good Christ!” — an expression neither one of them had ever used — and one she typically would find offensive. If she’s spending enough time with her lover, she’s sure to pick up some of his/her expressions.

    3) Changing things up: Every evening — like clockwork — he comes home, asks about dinner and walks the dog. Now, that ritual is being messed with. He needs a shower as soon as he walks in the door. Or he pours himself two fingers of scotch when that’s usually reserved for weekends only.

    4) Driving alone: Typically, you’d hop in the car together and be on your way. But recently she finds a myriad of reasons to have a few minutes alone — and a need to take her own car. “I have to stop at Sephora, and I don’t want to bore you!” she says. Time and again.

    5) Wearing a lampshade: “Let’s go out and get sh*t-faced tonight,” he atypically and enthusiastically suggests. And you know he hasn’t said anything like that since he was pledging a fraternity. Having an affair — it’s no secret — can make people feel young and impulsive again and that can spill over into other behaviors.

    6) Wanting you to strut your stuff: What’s this? A little something from Vicky’s Secret just for you? Funny, he’s always claimed that lingerie doesn’t do much for him. His affair has reawakened his libido and, ironically, he’d like it to do the same for you.

    7) You’re clearly up to no good: You smile at the waiter, and he goes off. He knows you’re a friendly sort — didn’t he always love that about you? — but recently that innocent cordiality seems to antagonize him in ways it never did. Now that he’s having an affair, he knows it’s not so far-fetched that you might, too.

    8) No harm in looking, right?: “Did you see our cute neighbor checking out your butt?” she asks with a big smile. “That flight attendant is really your type!” she teases, leaving you wondering what happened to her jealous streak. No mystery. She’s on an affair-fueled, guilt-mitigating mission to casually justify extramarital attractions.

    9) Affairs? No biggie: You sadly report your best friend’s husband is cheating. Instead of sharing your dismay, he becomes defensive. “Well, he hasn’t been happy in that marriage,” or “People have affairs. That’s life.” Condemning others means condemning himself — and he’s not about to go there.

    10) Won’t watch it: Fatal Attraction? Derailed? The Affair? Forget it. Plot lines that would have formerly piqued her interest now make her visibly uncomfortable. If there’s an affair involved, know you won’t be seeing it together.

    11) All nerves: Many folks experience atypical bouts of depression and anxiety as the guilt of the affair — and the stress of keeping such a huge secret — take a visible toll. Symptoms may include insomnia, disinterest in eating or an unshakeable blue mood.

    12) Suddenly an expert: “Did you know the U.S. has the highest dog population in the world?” She starts spewing facts about things she’s never shown interest in before. Heck, she never even liked dogs that much. Could be she’s absorbing her lover’s interests — and finding a way to talk about him/her without saying as much.

    13) Signature blank stare: The guy who always has an answer now seems lost for words. His brain is fried with the details of the lies he’s told and excuses he’s made. When you innocently inquire about his last trip to Home Depot, you can almost see the wheels turning in his head: Did I tell her I went to Home Depot? What did I tell her I was shopping for? Is she trying to trap me in a lie? While he entertains these possibilities, you’re on the receiving end of that strange, faraway look in his eyes you’ve been seeing all too often.