The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • How you can tell when someone has a crush on you (2)

    THEY don’t look at their phone. Not much says, “Hmm… I wonder what else I could be doing right now that would be better than what I’m already doing” quite like pulling out your phone during an interaction with another human. Sure, work emails and actual emergencies unfortunately happen, but considering most people’s mobile device addiction, most people will disconnect when they’re really interested in whomever they’re with. When you’re together, it’s all eyes and ears on you. There’s no way in Hell they would idly start scrolling Facebook unless you wondered off to grab a second round from the bar.

    They play with their hair

    That’s Decoding Body Language Basics 101. It could be related to nerves or subconsciously showing off their shiny coif for you; a kind of peacocking. Or maybe they really wish they remembered to pocket a bobby pin this morning. Still! They probably only give a damn because of your presence.

    They consider your needs in little ways

    Whether you’re with a group or not, they tend to suggest hanging out near your apartment or office. Did you mention in passing that your key chain was broken? Oh, look who just happened to pick one up “because it was near the checkout and they remembered that yours was broken and it’s kinda cute or whatever, no big deal.”

    They offer to drive or pay

    Your friends likely love you a whole lot (and why wouldn’t they? You rule), but unless you’re a frightening driver or recently got laid off, they’re probably not defaulting as your chauffeur or bill-flipper. If you have a friend who suddenly seems more willing than usual to treat when you hang out, it could be a subtle (if not somewhat antiquated) approach to showing deeper interest.

    They seem a little nervous or flustered

    Of course there are the lucky few who have the ability to remain cool, calm, and collected when conversing with a crush, but most of human nature necessitates a serious case of anxiety when entering a close range of someone they’re crushing on. Next time you’re talking to the person who maybe is into, take notice of whether or not they are more clumsy than usual or lose track of what they were saying mid-sentence. It’s kinda cute, and a fairly decent indicator of how nervous you are. And unless you guys happen to be tightrope walking whilst chatting, you gotta wonder where those nerves are coming from.

    You bust them social media stalking you

    Wait — did they just Like and then Unlike a photo you posted months ago? Yeah, they probably did. Because they were stalking you. And they accidentally clicked where they didn’t mean to, and swiftly tried to cover their tracks so you wouldn’t know they were looking through your archives because, duh, then you would know they were basically drunk with lust and wanted to marry you so hard. If they didn’t have a crush on you, they wouldn’t feel ashamed getting caught creeping. It’s those flustery nerves flaring up again. Not sure why they think you won’t notice.

    They’ll tell you

    While all the nerves we feel when we have a crush on someone remain unchanged from childhood until forever, adults have one thing going for them that kids don’t: We are (sometimes, maybe) mature enough to go after what we want.

    Which means it’s completely possible that, while you’re fretting over whether or not someone is interested in you, they’ll just tell you, plainly, and without mixed messages. It takes guts to put yourself out there, but as an adult person, it’s something we should start making a habit of.

    There’s a huge possibility the person with a crush on you might never explicitly say so. That’s fine. But that’s also an indication of cowardice — and who has time for that? Which, incidentally, means you might want to consider being straightforward with them about your feelings. You know what’s really sexy? Confidence. Find yourself some and don’t settle for someone else who won’t do the same.

     

    Source: www.bustle.com

  • How you can tell when someone has a crush on you

    HOW can you tell if someone has a crush on you? Beyond that, how do couples even form these days? Obviously, frequently two people come together completely on purpose via online dating, in which case there’s no doubt about the intentions of the people involved. But if you just meet someone in real life, or are already friends with them, how do you know if someone likes you? Even though, by the time we’re adults, we’ve been anxiously picking apart the subtle signals and trying to discern crushes for whole decades, it still kinda feels like most of us are at a loss when it comes to actually figuring out whether or not someone is interested in us in a non-platonic way.

    When you meet someone online or in a bar and otherwise don’t know them at all, it’s easy to enter the situation with swagger. You can ask boring getting-to-know-you questions to pass time between first date margs and legit listen to answers in surprise. When you’re already friends with someone, you already know all about where they grew up, their hidden talent with dart boards, their knack for baking up the world’s most perfect brownies… there’s a lot less ground to cover while you lay your flirt game on. Not to mention, stakes are high since the two of you already have a relationship. If you lean in for a kiss and the romantic feelings aren’t reciprocated, that means not only catastrophic embarrassment — that ill-advised move could lead to the absolute, definitive dissolve of what was once a totally rad, carefree friendship.

    If you know for sure that you’re romantically interested in someone, what we need to figure out next is whether or not the other person also has a crush on you. Luckily, there are some scientific steps we can take in assessing this matter. Here are 12 incredibly reliable signs that someone is especially into you:

    They remember what you say

    People remember way more details about interactions with someone they have a crush on, partially because they’ve likely been obsessing about those details, looking for signs that you’re interested. Appearing interested in a conversation is even easier now our primary form of communication is texting. Remembering tiny, inconsequential details of that conversation, however, is meaningful. Remember last week when you were complaining about your new standing desk making your heels sore? You might not. But when someone else remembers, and sends along to a link for non-fatigue rugs and offers a discount through their office account? They’re into you.

    They look for excuses to talk with you

    They use subtle laser focus to find you across the room at a crowded party and compliment the (store-bought, totally unremarkable, non-praiseworthy) cookies you brought. It’s obvious they aren’t from scratch, a fact the two of you giggle over. But! They wanted an easy topic to spark conversation. And they found it in your audacious attempt to pass off Oreos as homemade. In fact, they probably find that detail adorable, because everything you do is adorable right now, because this person has a crush on you.

    They initiate conversation

    We all know that feeling when your throat tightens as you see your crush log on to Gchat and you ignore them, trying to play it cool, all while secretly hoping that they ping you first. If they always do, they’re probably into you (and braver than you, BTW). If someone routinely shoots over the first Message, or waves you down at parties, it’s likely because this person likes you. It’s not complicated, but it’s a reliable sign.

    They subtweet you, in a non-contemptuous way

    Social media is both an awesome and awful presence in our lives — and it complicates the hell out of dating. But if you and your crush are both active on social media, it can be quite telling of their true feelings. When you have a crush on someone, you almost can’t help but be very aware of their online presence — and yours will probably give that away at some point. Let’s say you go on an indulgent, “don’t caaaare” Spotify spree, jamming every single Gin Blossoms song you can find (we all know this is a thing that happens), and then a few minutes later, the Object Of Your Crushfection just happens to post a YouTube link to a scene from Empire Records featuring a Gin Blossoms song. Looks like someone is trying to subconsciously tap into your line of vision and interests.

    I’m aware that this sounds like you would have to be paying an insane amount of attention to each other’s social media activity, and you’re right. You would. Which you only do when you’re in deep crush mode.

    They ask you to hang out one-on-one more often than groups

    Obvious, but like, too obvious not to mention. If they are frequently foregoing the group hangs in favor of solo time with you, they’re probably down to clown, ifyouknowwhatImean. (Actually, if you guys are already hanging out alone all the time, you’re, uh, kind of already dating maybe. Look into that.)

     

    They don’t look at their phone

    Not much says, “Hmm… I wonder what else I could be doing right now that would be better than what I’m already doing” quite like pulling out your phone during an interaction with another human. Sure, work emails and actual emergencies unfortunately happen, but considering most people’s mobile device addiction, most people will disconnect when they’re really interested in whomever they’re with. When you’re together, it’s all eyes and ears on you. There’s no way in Hell they would idly start scrolling Facebook unless you wondered off to grab a second round from the bar.

    They play with their hair

    That’s Decoding Body Language Basics 101. It could be related to nerves or subconsciously showing off their shiny coif for you; a kind of peacocking. Or maybe they really wish they remembered to pocket a bobby pin this morning. Still! They probably only give a damn because of your presence.

    They consider your needs in little ways

    Whether you’re with a group or not, they tend to suggest hanging out near your apartment or office. Did you mention in passing that your key chain was broken? Oh, look who just happened to pick one up “because it was near the checkout and they remembered that yours was broken and it’s kinda cute or whatever, no big deal.”

    They offer to drive or pay

    Your friends likely love you a whole lot (and why wouldn’t they? You rule), but unless you’re a frightening driver or recently got laid off, they’re probably not defaulting as your chauffeur or bill-flipper. If you have a friend who suddenly seems more willing than usual to treat when you hang out, it could be a subtle (if not somewhat antiquated) approach to showing deeper interest.

    They seem a little nervous or flustered

    Of course there are the lucky few who have the ability to remain cool, calm, and collected when conversing with a crush, but most of human nature necessitates a serious case of anxiety when entering a close range of someone they’re crushing on. Next time you’re talking to the person who maybe is into, take notice of whether or not they are more clumsy than usual or lose track of what they were saying mid-sentence. It’s kinda cute, and a fairly decent indicator of how nervous you are. And unless you guys happen to be tightrope walking whilst chatting, you gotta wonder where those nerves are coming from.

    You bust them social media stalking you

    Wait — did they just Like and then Unlike a photo you posted months ago? Yeah, they probably did. Because they were stalking you. And they accidentally clicked where they didn’t mean to, and swiftly tried to cover their tracks so you wouldn’t know they were looking through your archives because, duh, then you would know they were basically drunk with lust and wanted to marry you so hard. If they didn’t have a crush on you, they wouldn’t feel ashamed getting caught creeping. It’s those flustery nerves flaring up again. Not sure why they think you won’t notice.

    They’ll tell you

    While all the nerves we feel when we have a crush on someone remain unchanged from childhood until forever, adults have one thing going for them that kids don’t: We are (sometimes, maybe) mature enough to go after what we want. Which means it’s completely possible that, while you’re fretting over whether or not someone is interested in you, they’ll just tell you, plainly, and without mixed messages. It takes guts to put yourself out there, but as an adult person, it’s something we should start making a habit of. There’s a huge possibility the person with a crush on you might never explicitly say so. That’s fine. But that’s also an indication of cowardice — and who has time for that? Which, incidentally, means you might want to consider being straightforward with them about your feelings. You know what’s really sexy? Confidence. Find yourself some and don’t settle for someone else who won’t do the same.

     

    Source: www.bustle.com

     

  • 10 simple ways to make your wife happy

    WHILE dream vacations and life milestones are important, it’s the simple things you do that make your wife happy. Show love and respect to your bride every day, and remind her why you were the best choice she’s ever made. Here are 10 basic tips for showing every day love. Remember:

    Happy wife, happy life.

    Introduce her with a compliment

    Saying something like “I’d like you to meet my beautiful wife,” or “Here’s my better half” goes farther than you may realize. Publicly recognizing her as your cherished partner validates that you love her.

    Embrace when you see her

    At the end of a long day conquering office battles and keeping the kids from climbing walls, you could both use a loving hug. Make a point of showing you missed her and are glad to be reunited. A big kiss doesn’t hurt, either.

    Ask her how you can help

    If this is a new one for you, she may think there’s a catch. With a sincere willingness to give a helping hand, ask how you can lift her burden. This gesture applies to more than yard work, but being in tune with her needs emotionally and spiritually, as well. Sometimes she just needs a listening ear.

    Let her pick the movie

    Or, if you’re playing games, let her choose. She needs to know her opinion counts in your marriage. Taking turns with these simple choices makes it easier to compromise on the bigger choices together.

    Forgive her fast

    She forgot to pack your lunch, or accidentally broke your TV remote. So, she’s human, after all? With all that she does right, let it go when she makes mistakes. After all, you’re no perfection yourself, cupcake!

    Open the door for her

    Chivalry is not dead. Opening the door is a gentlemanly way to take care of your lady. She likely grew up wanting to be a princess. Be her prince.

    Hold her hand in public

    Some women are less inclined to public displays, but when appropriate, reach out and squeeze her hand. With the reassurance you’re proud she’s yours, she’ll walk a little taller, and smile a little bigger.

    Write her love letters

    You don’t have to be Shakespeare; the thought matters most here. Focus on specific things you love about her; the wrinkle in her nose when she laughs or how she finds joy in the little things. You can hide it in her makeup bag, under her pillow, or somewhere else she’ll discover it. She’ll be happily surprised and treasure your words for years to come.

    Carve out time for consistent date night

    In an on-the-go digital world, it’s easy to get caught up in the minutia of kids, work, community, extended family and even church responsibilities. Set aside a weekly special night just for the two of you. It doesn’t need to be costly or extravagant. Just make an effort to court her, as you did when you were dating.

    Let her fly

    As her partner, you are in the best position to help her reach her dreams.

     

    Source: familyshare.com

  • 10 things a lady should do on her first date

    10 things a lady should do on her first date

    SO you are out on your first date with a guy you’re interested in. Nervous?  Don’t be. First dates are often that getting-to-know-you period that don’t require a lot of commitment. It’s like a job interview except even if you totally crash and burn, you won’t be missing out on rent money. That being said, the first date is a delicate game of chess that needs to be played properly.

    1. Don’t suggest a movie.

    I don’t know where the misconception arose about movies being a great date night activity. You’re literally not seeing or interacting with your potential significant other. Movies are best saved for later on down the road. You know, when words aren’t needed any more because you’ve already gotten to know whoever it is you’re watching that movie with. Or, if you need an excuse to make a late night visit to your already-significant-other’s empty home.

    1. Coffee is always a great way to start a date with a person you’re meeting the first time.

    In a blind date situation, never commit to any activity that will take longer than 30 minutes. This is a safety net for you so you’re not stuck with some douche bag you don’t want to spend time with. If coffee goes well and you guys hit it off, it is easy to get a guy to commit to a dinner and/or drinks. All you have do is be cute and say something innovative and groundbreaking like, “I’m hungry”.

    1. Eat.

    If you are in a meal-consumption situation, please consume the food like you are enjoying it. Unless of course the guy is an ass that took you to a horrible place to eat. Barring that, it is painful, and I’m speaking from experience here, when you’re there eating a delicious meal and your lady friend is taking rabbit-sized-bites out of a salad.

    1. Drop the phone.

    I think younger girls have a tendency to do this more often than older women, but it is horribly annoying when you are trying to have a conversation with someone that can’t take their eyes off their phone. This is also considered rude for all you kids that never learned proper manners while you were growing up. Be engaging and responsive.

    1. Be a conversationalist.

    After all if you are on a date, there’s only two people involved presumably. Don’t be the bitch that sits there acting like she’s bored. In addition, it isn’t always fun for guys if all they hear during your date are things your friends did. Chances are A) he doesn’t know your friends personally, and B) those stories aren’t half as funny as you think they are.

    1. Be diplomatic.

    There are plenty of ways to say, “Hey, this isn’t working out.” No need to be cold or a total asshole about it. Trust me, it feels just as crappy for guys as it does for girls. If all else fails, stick him in the friend zone. It worked for all the other hearts you broke. Who knows? Maybe you can torture him with stories about how jilted you feel because of all the asshole guys you fall for.

    1. Honesty is always good.

    Be straightforward and don’t put up a front. Why would you? This is the time to let your potential long-term-boyfriend know that you are human too and you have your quirks. Have bad habits? Let him know. Use the light, funny atmosphere to warm him up to the worst side of you. Unless you want to be the jackass that soaks your panties in his sink then asks me to get tampons at the market to assert your feminine dominance for no other reason than to brag to your girlfriends… I had some weird exes…

    1. Enjoy the buzz, don’t be that girl that falls and trips over herself.

    Guys only SAY that’s cute. It really isn’t. There’s nothing wrong with not being able to drink a lot. Just don’t push yourself until you pass out because that invites all sorts of trouble and… well it just isn’t appealing. Nothing wrong with having one or two drinks (or half depending on your tolerance). Remember, a date isn’t the same as hanging out with your friends. First impressions can never be made a second time, don’t waste the opportunity.

    1. Don’t kill the chase too early.

    If you do want that long-term situation, the worst thing you can do is give in to a guy’s advances too fast. Yes, it is a normal part of a relationship, but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t work for it. Unlike other myths, this one is true. Guys love the chase and nothing that’s worth the wait happens in the first few hours of meeting someone.

    1. Have fun and show that you’re having a good time.

    Chemistry isn’t built overnight and love never happens at first sight. That’s lust and infatuation. Part of building that chemistry is enjoying each other’s company. Nothing kills a first date like a girl that acts like she has something better to do. If you DO have something better to do, go do it.

    Well that’s it. I won’t guarantee that every first date will be awesome, but if you do follow the road map above, they won’t be horrible. Unless of course the guy is utterly boring and ridiculously dumb. If that’s the case, just end it and walk away. Finding the “right guy” isn’t a one day job. Have the patience and the composure to keep searching. After all, if you are involved with someone that you don’t want to be with, that just removes you from the pool of potential girlfriends that perfect guy is looking for his other half in.

     

    Source: thoughtcatalog.com

  • Return of Mama Elero (2)

    WE just came from an Islamic forum where we listened to a man of God who is well respected in our community. The occasion called for celebration and to crown it all, the man used me as an example for other women. He called me a virtuous and hard-working woman fit to be the governor of a state, a dutiful woman with no time for gossip, either in the mosque or at home. Everybody clapped for me, Mukaila inclusive.  I was so happy on that day. The man did not lie.

    The expression was suitable for me. I danced well to the music rendered by the singers thus:

    Asalatu fonise nla

    Asalatu fonise nla

    E yonbo Anobi loke

    Asalatu fun Baba

    The music was so melodious that day and I was in high spirits, not knowing Mr. Monkey was waiting to get home to unleash terror on my happiness. No qualms, I have the grace of God to strengthen me on the days of trouble, and I thank God for the good manners that I had exhibited before that time to lift me higher from the lion’s mouth.

    We were even joking on the way home how Mukaila was lucky enough to have me as a wife. He did not say anything or betray any emotion. My children and other close relations were saying this. We got home and only for him four hours later to tell me he was selling the house we built together! Can you imagine that?

    “Ololufe, we need to talk,” Mukaila told me.

    “Hope it will bring money o,” I replied him jocularly.

    “It will bring more than enough money to make us happy.”

    “Hope you have not gone to be eyeing the daughter of the Prersident?”

    “Come over o jare, don’t let this moment fly away o.”

    I moved closer and sat down. He cleared his throat. And that is him for you. Whenever he wants to do abosi, rikisi or gossip, Mukaila has the habit of using such methods to start off. I have known him for more than 20 years, so his antics were not new to me. I was praying fervently that he would not announce that my mother was dead at home because my instincts told me it was a bad news item coming out of his mouth and mind. I am not a prophet, but I had the premonition,

    “I want to sell this house……”

    “Which house?” I didn’t allow him to finish.

    “This our house now, do we have another one?’ he replied me, looking up.

    “Please, tell me it’s an Asalatu joke!”

    “Not even a mosque joke; it is the reality of life. I am selling this house. We will relocate to the village and start life over there.”

    “Don’t get me upset; what will happen to your five children. I mean our children?”

    “They will relocate with us and start life there too……”

    “What of my business? Will I be selling butter to those who prefer natural food to the junk ones?”

    “No time for question; just listen to me and listen well.”

    “Mukaila, you are not yourself; I can vow. Please, stop this day-dreaming and let us say something better,” I pleaded almost close to tears.

    “What do you mean? By the time the Malian come to send you out to the street, you will know that khaki differs from real leather. I have the money intact with me.”

    “Can I ask a question? I now stood up facing him.

    “Yes, go ahead.”

    “Do you remember that I used 78% of the money to build and equip this house? Do you know that nothing warrants you selling this house? We have no problem with each other or with the tenants. And you didn’t even put me in the picture of such a deal before making the move, Mukaila!”

    “And so what? Is that the national anthem for the pepper grinders?”

    I got up and couldn’t eat that night. I was devastated. Imagine my own husband, selling our only house, with five children on ground. Children who were born and bred in Lagos State. The children that were in school session! Mukailaaaaaaaah!

    He did not put it into consideration that I had the larger share on that building. But all the papers bore his mane. I did all I could to make him happy to make him feel like a real man among his peers and family members. Love blindfolded me into believing that I was with the man of my dream.  I gave all that I had. I did not even think for a moment that one day the story would be different.

    I refused to pack my load when he started parking his belongings, and I equally addressed the tenants not to panic by moving their belongings. They are going nowhere. I told them.

    Mukaila went to our town to report me to his family members. I was summoned to come home. I sent an emissary back that I would come but not because of Mukaila.  I stayed back.

    A week later, the Malian that bought the house came and I called him aside and told him that I was not going to anywhere, except if they wanted me to die in that house.

    The uproar was much and the community leaders waded in. Nothing could change Mukaila’s mind. Nothing could change my mind too on the house that I laboured to build. The Malian who bought the house wouldn’t hear any turenchi or big grammar about his desire not to occupy the house. It was a real dilemma for all the actors. Mukaila didn’t see any Nigerian to sell the house to  a foreigner from Mali. Too bad! I am not tribalistic, but I would have preferred that he even sold it to a man from neighbouring Benin or Cameroon Republic. Well, too late to cry when the milk has been split.

    I was preparing to go home to meet our parents in accordance with what Mukaila told me when his sister came. She called me names. She molested and disgraced me in the pubic, telling me that I was not submissive. That what else did I want, after all, I have been told to go back to our town with the children. I was shocked. This was a lady that told me on many occasions that I was an asset to their family. His younger brother who stayed under me for many years called me by first name telling me how skinny I was before their brother married me. That I was an ingrate who have got to Lagos to go ga-ga! What an irony of life. These people knew the truth and ran away from it. Hmmmm!

    It was a problematic moment for me. I was sad and felt like swallowing poison. The community leaders under the landlords’ association rose up to help me. They never for once condemned me or my husband, but they called me one day that they had rented for me a room and parlour within the vicinity to be living. The Hausa man besides our house gave me one of his shops free of charge to be selling my wares. His wife told me that my popularity and kindness in that area were overwhelming. That if I should leave that placed many customers would be lost. Tears were coming out of my eyes. I cannot define what type of tears. Was it that a landlady yesterday became a tenant today? Was it that my own husband whom I gave all I had to sold me into slavery when there was no hope for me? Was it that of  a total stranger who gave me a place to maintain my business and take care of my children? Was it the landlords who gathered money together to rent a house for me?

    I left my case to God. I want him to fight for me because I was too weak to fight.

    It was at this juncture that Mama Aanu, one of our tenants told me about Supreme Microfinance Bank. Can you imagine that I had once gone to collect the key of Mama Aanu’s room from her one day without knowing that I was going to be a key customer of that bank? That day, Mama Aanu wanted to iron her clothes. She forgot to put it off . When NEPA brought light, the smoke coming from her room got all the tenants jittery. I had to rush down to the bank to call her. I saw customers coming in and going out. To me, it wasn’t my business. I felt what money do I need to borrow for a mere pepper-grinding and other food items. I was wrong. Capital wrong until the day Mama Aanu took me to the founder of the bank , Mr Jide Aremo, for counselling and to obtain from to be  lifted above others when I thought it was all over for me.

     

    To be continued

  • How to fall back in love with your husband

    IF your husband sometimes feels more like your roommate, best friend, and co-parent than your lover, we get it. You’ve listened to the guy snore every night for years, he knows your weekly grocery list by heart, and he could spot your top Netflix pick in seconds. And those are all beautiful things! But if you haven’t felt that heart-skipping-a-beat kinda love in awhile, try these eight easy ways to revive it.

    Take a trip down memory lane

    When you’ve settled into the rhythm of a marriage, the memory of your first date is eclipsed by other milestones: your wedding day, the birth of your first child, your five- or 10-year anniversary. But taking the time to relive the earliest days of your courtship can help revive those falling-in-love feelings. “We fall in love with someone for a reason,” says relationship therapist Jill Vermeire. “Daydream and get lost in the memory of those first dates in order to remind yourself that your partner is still that person. Pausing to remember what brought you together and looking at the life you’ve built together is extremely important. Appreciation can be an amazing aphrodisiac.” Vermeire suggests re-creating the list of qualities you were looking for in a significant other to remind yourself how long it took to find the right person, and asking friends to help you recall what you said (or gushed) about your husband when you were first dating.

    Don’t try to re-create the butterfly feeling

    While it’s a good idea to relive the happy beginning of your relationship, you don’t want to over-romanticize it. The early excitement of falling in love is a wonderful thing, but what you have now is even better. “It’s important to remember that those sensations are actually related to an underlying fear of rejection, so there’s an element of risk that creates excitement,” says life coach and relationship specialist Ellen Hartson. “The sensation that brings back excitement is a quieter, subtle connection that’s more even, steady, and fulfilling. While this feeling is less chaotic, don’t mistake it for certainty, because that can lead to stagnation.” Revel in the lack of butterflies. Appreciate the luxury and comfort of knowing you’re coming home to someone who’s totally committed to you.

    Paddle against the current

    The longer you’re married, the more likely you are to pay attention to the negative aspects of your spouse, rather than the traits you found adorable when you first fell for him. To counteract this tendency toward criticism, be more intentional about positive communication. In other words, work hard to stay in love. “During the courtship stageor the ‘Velcro stage,’ as I call itwe automatically focus on the positive and make our partner feel valued and chosen,” says psychologist Harriet Lerner, author The Dance of Anger. “The longer people are together, the more this selective attention flips. Don’t get lazy because the natural course of marriage is downstream. Fight the current.” She suggests ensuring your positive feedback exceeds the critical stuff by making at least two encouraging comments to your partner every day.

    Get physicaland not just in bed

    When you’re falling in love with someone, you constantly look for ways to be in physical contact with that personand we don’t just mean when you’re naked. Reincorporating everyday physical gestures here and there can help stir up those loving feelings again. “Start small with a gentle brush of the arm, a pat on the back, holding hands, just putting your hand on top of his,” says Hartson. Every gesture counts. The skin is the largest organ on our body, and physical touch is an important human need.” Before you know it, those little touches will translate to a deepened emotional connection.

    Be a mystery

    As much as you want to appreciate the safety of a committed relationship, it’s important not to get too comfortable. Investing in interests outside of your relationship creates a little breathing room, which stokes the flames of love and intrigue. “When two people know absolutely everything about each other, it’s not a recipe for romance,” says Lerner. “Develop a new passion outside the relationship. Get your blip off his radar screennot in a cold way, but in an I-have-my-own-separate-life way. The more passion you have for life outside of your relationship, the more opportunity there is to rediscover love within it.” Doing a 30-day workout challenge or signing up for a photography class isn’t selfishau contraire, it will likely strengthen your attraction and bond with your husband.

    Tell yourself you’re in love… again and again.

    Whether we acknowledge it or not, we talk to ourselvesif not out loudnonstop. That inner dialogue can have a big impact on our relationships, from creating tension or resentment to fostering a sense of love, joy, and intimacy. “The biggest internal shift we can make is to look at what we tell ourselves about our spouse and how we dialogue with our partners inside our heads,” says psychologist Vagdevi Meunier, founder of the Center for Relationships. “When one person is feeling discouraged in a relationship, the first thing I want to know is what they tell themselves on a daily basis. If you’re engaging in hopeless, negative, or judgmental self-talk, you’re actually having a stronger relationship with the spouse inside your head than the real person.” Shifting to more positive, vulnerable, empathetic self-talk with the partner in your head and in your lifecan help reframe your dynamic. In other words, instead of wondering, Do I still love him?, think, I love him because I choose to see all the things that make him wonderful.

    Remember that the chase is never over

    Even after he proposes, you say your vows, apply for a mortgage, and send the kids to preschool, it’s important to remember that your partner will never fully be “yours.” We’re not trying to scare you, but experts say that a healthy awareness that things can change on a dime may actually help you feel more in love with your partner on a day-to-day basis. “The truth is that there are no guarantees, ever,” says Vermeire. “At any moment a person can change their mind. That’s why a marriage needs attention and appreciation all the time.” We don’t want you to stress about a theoretical relationship apocalypse, but valuing your spouse and making sure he knows that you do goes a long way toward rekindling and reinforcing the love that you may, at times, take for granted.

    Let go of your resentments

    If you have a chip on your shoulder because your partner isn’t taking out the recycling often enough or helping you make weekend plans, those little bitter feelings could be grinding down the love and goodwill you’ve created over time. So take a hard look at the expectations you believe your spouse isn’t meetingbecause they’re your problem, not his. “One common cause of the spark wearing off is that we build up resentments,” says Hartson. “Expecting your partner to always be sexy, funny, reasonable, sensible, and accommodating is a set-up for bad feelings. To get the excitement back, first you have to get over your resentments and strive for acceptance.” Even if these aren’t the core issues, it’s important to hash them outfirst with yourself, then with your husbandso you can move on to discussing more deep-seated, long-term problems. Doing so will change the whole dynamic of your relationship, making it lot easier to communicate, connect, and feel more in love.

     

    Source: redbookmag.com

  • How to cope when your spouse is unfaithful

    YOU just realized that your spouse has been unfaithful. The news of the infidelity has hit you like a ton of bricks. Your marriage is now thrown into a state of crisis that may destroy it. On the other hand, you both may be able to work through it and end up better than ever.

    You may have hope that your marriage can survive your spouse cheating on you, but you still fill sick inside when you think about the affair.

    It is natural to want to know why your partner cheated, but there is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in your marriage, it could relate to something in your spouse’s past, or it could be totally unrelated to you or to your marriage. You may never truly know why it happened.

    There are 15 things you can do to get beyond the hurt, forgive your unfaithful spouse, and save your marriage.

    1. Do not make any major decisions about ending your marriage now just because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues other than this infidelity need to be recognized and dealt with.
    2. Understand that feelings are neither right or wrong. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal. You will be on a roller coaster of emotions for a few months and possibly even up to a year or two afterwards.
    3. Do your best to take care of yourself. You may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, diarrhea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulty concentrating and not wanting to eat or overeating.
    4. Balance is the key to getting through this experience of coping with infidelity. Force yourself to eat healthy foods, to stay on a schedule, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, to drink plenty of water, and to have some fun.
    5. It’s still okay to laugh. Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Spend some time with people who make you smile. Life goes on in spite of heartache and unfaithful spouses.
    6. Tears are healthy too. If they aren’t coming naturally, put on some blues type music or watch a sad movie. Those betrayed may actually feel numb, but it is important to get in touch with your underlying emotions as well.
    7. Begin a journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings about your spouse’s unfaithfulness.
    8. Ask all the questions you want.Talk with your spouse about the infidelity. However, you may have to accept that your spouse may not know why the infidelity took place or may not want to reveal this to you.
    9. Seek counseling. Do not try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone! However, don’t shout from the highest mountain to all you know that your spouse is an unfaithful jerk. Carefully choose whom you will share this information with. Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding it easier and counseling can help get answers to questions. Was it a one-night stand or an affair? Did it come during or after a life crisis? Is a sexual addiction a possibility? Was it an act of retaliation? Did the cheating occur to end the marriage? Regardless, this may be the most important time to seek professional help.
    10. Take it one day at a time. You and your spouse should both be tested for AIDS/HIVS and STD’s before you resume sexual intimacy without protection. Consider what boundaries you need in your marriage in order to stay in the marriage. You might wish to contact an attorney and get these documented in a postnuptual agreement.
    11. Your children need to know that you are going to be okay. You can’t hide the fact that you are going through serious stress or trauma. Being honest with your children might be the best approach depending upon their age, but don’t weigh them down with details. Also, don’t make promises that you can’t keep.
    12. Try not to get into the blaming game over who or what caused the infidelity. It’s just wasted energy. That includes blaming the third party. It will not change anything. Also, think twice before you tell your family or your spouse’s family about the infidelity. Family members can often hold grudges a long time.
    13. You may have post-traumatic stress. If you are jumpy, yell at trivial actions, feel like you are walking on egg shells, and continue to have physical reactions when you are reminded of the infidelity, see a physician as soon as you can. Medication, even temporarily, might be a good idea.
    14. It takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful mate. Don’t expect the mixture of feelings, the sense of confusion and limbo, and the mistrust to go away just because you’ve tried to forgive your spouse and made a commitment to save your marriage. The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be renewed and strengthened, because it can. But, it will be different. Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.
    15. Get practical. Look at your finances, housing situation, transportation, etc. If you do decide to end your marriage, make sure you have thought out where you will live, if you have enough money to pay for your essentials, etc. If you are unsure this is the right decision, seek counseling as well to guide you.

    Infidelity is one of the more difficult challenges a marriage can face. It doesn’t always mean it’s the end. It’s critical for both you and your spouse to carefully consider what changes you are both willing to make in order to get past it.

     

    Www.thespruce.com/

  • How to cope with an emotionally and verbally abusive husband

    TRYING to cope with an emotionally and verbally abusive husband can be very difficult. Abusers create an unfair playing field so they can be in control. Tactics abusers use include intimidation, humiliation, coercion and isolation. Nearly one in seven American women have experienced this type of abuse by an intimate partner during the past 12 months, according to the 2010 Centers for Disease Control and Prevention study “The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey.” While there is nothing you can do to make your husband stop being abusive, you can regain some control over your life to make it better.

    Step 1: Living with emotional and verbal abuse can take its toll on your health and general well-being. Take care of yourself and find healthy ways to deal with the stress of an abusive marriage. Eat healthy foods and try to get enough rest. Remind yourself of your unique qualities and talents. Indulge in a hobby or interest you enjoy. Try starting an exercise routine or reading a good book to escape for a while.

    Step 2: Keep your support system strong. Try to maintain your relationships with friends and family as much as you can. Your husband may try to limit the amount of time you spend with others or sabotage your friendships. Tell them what is going on so they will understand if they don’t hear from you.

    Step 3: Learn about the dynamics of abusive relationships. Knowing more about the pattern of abuse will help you understand that the abuse is not your fault but is something your husband chooses to do. Speak to a domestic violence advocate in your community or call the Domestic Violence Hotline

    Step 4: Set some boundaries with your husband. When he starts a verbal tirade, do not engage and try match his abuse. Psychologist Marie Hartwell-Walker’s article “Signs You Are Verbally Abused: Part II,” published on the Psych Central website, suggests calmly letting him know that you are sorry he feels that way, but that you expect him to treat you with respect. If he continues, simply walk out of the room and give him time to cool off.

    Step 5: Prepare a safety plan. In its post “What Is Safety Planning?” The National Domestic Violence Hotline stresses the importance of developing a practical, personalized plan to stay safe while in an abusive relationship, when leaving an abuser or after the relationship is over. Even if your husband has never been physically violent, verbal and emotional abuse can quickly escalate to physical abuse. Your plan should include identifying safe areas of your home and planning an escape route. You should keep a phone with you at all times and know who you can call for help. Create a code word or signal so trusted friends and neighbors know if you need emergency assistance.

    Tips: Keep your car filled with gas and back it into your driveway. Lock all doors except the driver’s in case you need to make a quick escape.

    Warnings

    Take extra precautions if you decide to leave your husband. Abuse can escalate when a victim tries to leave, or when the abuser fears you might. If you believe you are in immediate danger, call 911.

     

    Source: livestrong.com

  • How to stop arguing…solving relationship problems

    YOU’RE a couple in love. Naturally, you’re going to fight once in awhile. However, being frustrated or angry with your partner doesn’t have to be destructive, as long as you know how to approach the argument.

    For the purposes of this article, we’re going to talk about romantic relationships. Obviously, any argument with another person can benefit from some of these principles, but different relationship dynamics require different approaches. What’s appropriate for your boyfriend may not be the best solution for dealing with your boss or your crappy roommate. Romantic relationships have their own unique challenges and its best to deal with problems when they start.

    Recognize there are two problems: your emotions and the situation

    When you first get upset or angry with your significant other, there are almost always two problems: your emotions and the actual problem. For example, say you’re frustrated with your partner for not doing the dishes. You now have two problems to solve: the dishes need to be done and you need to no longer be upset with your partner for not doing them.

    In most other areas in life, we recognize that you need to prioritize your problems and deal with them separately. It only makes sense to do the same with your fights. Before you tell your loved one something along the lines of “For the love of crap, could you please do the dishes for once?!” you may want to make sure you’re not one of those irrational people that make productive discussions difficult.

    When you’re angry and aimed at your loved one, that’s the worst time to start airing your grievances (save that for Festivus):

    For instance, Dr. Lerner mentions that in order to address grievances or differing ideas of what to do about an up-coming dilemma, couples need to take a calming break from talking together if either or both are getting emotionally heated. As she says, “Anger is an important emotion” but “when tempers flare our capacity for clear thinking, empathy, and creative problem-solving go down the drain…” Discussions are far more likely to prove productive when both parties are calm enough to be open to hearing the other person’s perspective, and to be able to express their own concerns without finger-pointing.

    Of course, being frustrated and venting anger is all normal (though continually ruminating on your problems without doing anything can just make you angrier). Accepting that your emotions are a real thing that need to be dealt with and distinct from the subject of your actual argument sets the stage for resolution.

    Deal with your emotions first

    When it comes to anger management, everyone has their own way to chill out. If you find yourself on the verge of a fight with your loved one, take a moment to deal with your stress, and allow them to do the same. In most cases, it’s probably best for you to do so alone (though in some sensitive situations, simply taking a moment to breathe where you are can help, too). Do whatever brings your energy down. Go for a walk. Listen to loud music. Write an angry note and then destroy it.

    This will work best if you let your partner know ahead of time how you best handle stress. Stomping off, muttering under your breath without a word is a quick way to hurt someone. Before you find yourself in a fight, know how your loved one deals with anger and make sure they know what you need. Even saying “I need to go for a walk. Let’s talk in a few minutes,” is more beneficial than “Whatever.”

    Most importantly, once you’re done calming down, come back. As we mentioned earlier, when a fight erupts, you’re dealing with two problems. Calming down solves one problem and it’s easy to feel like everything is better. Sometimes it is, but if you’re having a persistent problem with your partner, it won’t disappear just because you rocked out to Bohemian Rhapsody for a bit.

    Deal with the situation when you come back

    Once you’ve calmed down, you can start approaching your problem rationally. For starters, you’re now in a better position to choose your battles. Fighting with your partner over not doing the dishes for the first time when he’s had a long day may not be worth it. On the other hand, if you’ve gone thirteen straight weeks without spending an evening together, a discussion is probably worth having.

    When you come back to have a discussion with your loved one, take a collaborative approach. If you engage a problem as you vs. your partner, you create barriers that only make a happy relationship harder. As Psychology Today puts it:

    Fighting of any sort indicates that partners have taken a stance against each other. Fighting pits me against you, with expectations that one of us will emerge as a winner and the other as the loser. Participants are antagonists, competitors for who will win.

    Collaborative partnering, by contrast, involves side-by-side problem-solving. In collaborative discussions of even the most sensitive and difficult issues, both parties pursue mutual understanding. Both seek to understand the other’s point of view as well as to express their own concerns. Both presume that a broader and deeper understanding of both their own and their partner’s concerns will open a pathway for moving forward that will be responsive to all of these concerns.

    Sometimes the problems will simply be how you feel. “When you won’t put your smartphone down at dinner, it makes me feel neglected” is just as legitimate of a problem as arguments over household chores. The important thing is to express the issue as something that the two of you can work together to resolve.

    Once the talk is done, be sure to take action. Your ability to communicate is important and helps with feeling more of a bond with your partner, but if nothing changes, you’ll be having the same conversations again in a week.

    Once the two of you have established what needs to change, follow the same tactics you would to form good habits. Remind yourself later about the things your partner wants to change. Don’t rely on memory alone.

    Make Up

    You’ve gotten angry. You’ve calmed down. You’ve talked it out. You’ve come up with a plan for what needs to change. Everything’s good, right? Well, probably. If you stop there and do nothing else, you’ll still be doing better than the average yelling match. However, if you want to be sure that this becomes a habit, reward yourselves.

    Cuddling, watching a movie, or having good old-fashioned makeup sex are all positive ways to end an argument on a happy note (though if you skip the conflict resolution steps, makeup sex can actually be a destructive habit on the level of cocaine). Ideally, you’ll enjoy your significant other’s company and make each other happy. If the two of you have had a healthy discussion about your issues, take a moment to reward yourself with each other’s company.

    It may sound cheesy, but rewarding constructive behavior is a basic tenet of manipulating ourselves and others into self-improvement. If that’s not enough, science shows that the old adage “Don’t go to bed angry” rings true. Instead of settling for just not being angry, do what you can to go to bed happy, content, and looking forward to a better relationship than you had yesterday.

     

    Source: lifehacker.com

  • Wahala of dating outside your social class -Nkem

    Wahala of dating outside your social class -Nkem

    We grew up watching classics like Cinderella, Coming to America, Pretty Woman, Nollywood’s Violated and a couple of other movies where love conquered the social class divide.
    Fast forward to 2017, the Internet rules; anyone can meet anyone, and nobody kicks up a fuss about cross-class relationships or marriages anymore. It is not considered overtly scandalous. We no longer factor it
    in when considering the root of our relationship problems, and we look to psychology or gender norms instead when trying to figure out why our partner is being an ass. We pretend that we live in a classless society where background does not matter as much as present compatibility.
    Things are changing and people’s classes are no longer inscribed in stone.
    Believe it or not though, social class or shall we say socio-economic differences, still pose a very difficult challenge in relationships today. Anyone who has dated someone outside their social class can affirm that there are strange tensions and inevitable speed bumps that come with these kinds of relationships. It can be fraught with complications.
    For instance, your boyfriend could be from a high-class, wealthy family while you come from a working-class family with less money. He travels a lot and has been to all these places around the world just for fun, while you have never crossed the borders of Nigeria. You start to think you cannot keep up with him because you have to be extremely careful with money. Also, you know that the only way both of you could travel together on a regular basis is if he pays for you, and that just seems wrong.
    Likewise, it could be the other way round and you are the girl from an upper-middle-class family, while your man has a working class background. Of course, financial equality does not mean cultural equality, so you wonder why he attaches too much importance to simple things like good food or designer labels. He, on the other hand, gets exasperated by your easy-come-easy-go spending attitude.
    A couple of days ago, while having drinks with some friends at Intercontinental hotel (which turned out to be a horrible experience, as the place is nothing like a 5 star hotel…or even a 4 star -the food is
    substandard and the roof of the bar leaks), a friend mentioned her recent experience on a date. She had gone out with a guy who, although was wealthy, obviously had a working-class background.
    Being a girl brought up in an upper-middle-class home, the first thing she noticed was the huge gap in their personalities. According to her, his mentality was very different from hers. While he had asked her to pick any venue -a way to let her know he could afford her tastes, he had hinted on the food being overpriced (although, he could clearly afford it) and exhibited terrible table manners. Also, he had felt the need to talkabout his achievements and how he had risen above all …as though she made him feel insecure, and he needed a form of validation from her.
    Again, there was the fact that his diction was flawed, and their experiences growing up were very different.
    Of course, her intention was not to ridicule the guy. She had shared her experience to find out if her declining a second date with the guy and refusing to speak to him again afterward portrayed her as being a snob.
    Another friend who was out with us, *Bisi, jumped in and assured her that she made the right call nipping it all in the bud – she was better off with someone in her class.
    Bisi spoke from experience, seeing as she had married into a super wealthy home despite being from a lower middle-class home. Prior to her marriage there had been endless disputes over her husband marrying down, and her family’s wealth being all too recently acquired. According to her, while cross-class pairings or relationships seemed egalitarian, it was complicated and required a lot of work. Bisi stated that stereotypical class prejudices are real – in any cross-social class relationship, both parties would have differing views, beliefs, attitudes, and practices on things such as child-rearing, money
    management, career advancement, how to spend leisure time e.t.c.
    This would go on to stir feelings of insecurity, resentment, usually in the partner on the “lower” side of this difference. And as a result, there will be a lot of negative pressure, tension, conflict as well as a
    sort of imbalance in the relationship, making it difficult for the couple to last long or even survive.
    Bisi went on to share some of her experiences in marriage which all seemed a little incredible, and in between laughs, it dawned on me that I’d never dated anyone outside of my socioeconomic strata, which I’d describe as middle class. I have never been with any one of the glitterati nor have I been with a blue collar. Obviously, I have nothing against it, but it certainly would be quite a chore building a relationship with someone from a dramatically different social background, wouldn’t it?
    Sure, all relationships take work, but with a combination maturity and a willingness to healthily compromise, you can overcome any relationship problem. However, it is better to opt for one which isn’t already threatened by the boundaries of class at the initial point…don’t you think?
    Have you ever dated someone with a richer or poorer background than yours? What were the issues? How did it work out?
    Nkem Ndem is a dynamic freelance writer and editor who can be reached
    for online writing(web content and blog) and editing, screenwriting,
    ghost writing, copy proofreading and reviews. She has since worked with
    Jumia, SpiceTV Africa, and Bella Naija. Check out her Instagram:
    @kem_dem, twitter: @ndemv and snapchat:@ndemv. Email: