The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Desperate cheating husband begs Instagram to delete angry girlfriend’s confession

    Desperate cheating husband begs Instagram to delete angry girlfriend’s confession

    A married man is currently on his knees, pleading with a social media relationship page to take down his girlfriend’s post.

    From the girlfriend’s post on Instagram page, Break or Makeup, the girlfriend had taunted the wife of her married boyfriend, insisting that she was the man’s lover before he met and married the other woman.

    Stating that she was at their wedding, the irate girlfriend revealed that while other guests were busy praying for the success of the new marriage, she was actually cursing, asking the gods to ensure that the marriage hit the rocks in record time.

    Her prayers seem to have been answered, as the newly married man/her former lover soon retraced his way back to her after a fight with his new bride.

    The girlfriend said she did not only cook bitter leaf soup for the man, she also had sex with him.

    However, the man, who seems to have regretted his action, has invaded the relationship site, begging the administrators to put down his girlfriend’s post.

    He claims to still love his wife, but the administrators would have none of that, and went ahead to further post his plea.

    Meanwhile, the girlfriend has started another round of prayers, asking the gods to make her conceive so that even if the man refuses to marry her, she would at least be a ‘baby mama.’

    See her post

    And the cheating husband’s plea:

    This is the wife’s rejoinder to the girlfriend’s post:

  • How to handle unwanted attention

    WHO doesn’t like to be the center of attention every now and then? But sometimes unwanted attention can ruin everything. Fortunately, Modern Manners Guy is here with 3 tips to make your life easier

    Whether you’re in extrovert who will do anything for attention or the quietest introvert ever, attention does have its price. And unwanted attention comes with a very steep price, since it’s usually more of a pain than flattery. Now, I’m not talking about celebrities who spend their entire lives stabbing people in the back to be on the cover of People Magazine, only to hide behind sunglasses once they get there. What I’m talking about is us regular folk who have to deal with unwanted attention at some point in our lives.

    Of course, it’s nice to have someone pay attention to you or give you a compliment, but sometimes it seems like that attention comes from the most annoying person on the planet who just doesn’t quite get the hint.

    So before you feel like running for the hills because “you know who” is walking your way, check out my top 3 Quick and Dirty Tips for how to properly handle unwanted attention:

    Tip 1: The delusional ex

    The point here is that when someone is no longer a part of your life romantically, but doesn’t get the hint, it can be awkward. Let me first say, you should never be rude or cruel to someone just because they’re annoying. However, if it’s clear they they’re just not getting the picture you have two options:

    (1`) Keep the charade going or (2) Ignore them.

    Number 1 seems pretty easy and painless, but I recommend number 2. Allow me to explain. Ignoring someone is not rude, it’s the polite way of making it understood that you are not interested in associating with them any longer. And that’s your prerogative. Granted, if you’re being immature about it and using the silent treatment as a weapon of contempt then that needs to end pronto. But the adult way to ignore someone is to simply stand your ground and choose not to associate with them. They may think it’s rude, but you have a life to live and it’s up to you to decide who gets to be a part of it. Don’t email them. Don’t call them back. Don’t invite them into your immediate circle. It may appear cold, but what’s worse: pretending to be their friend while mocking them behind their back or politely letting them know you’re not friends any longer?

    Tip 2: The coworker who isn’t working

    Annoying coworkers are about as common as annoying meetings. No matter where you work, there’s always going to be someone who could very well be the most annoying person that ever existed. And unfortunately, there’s always one person that this annoying coworker latches onto.

    This person will spend too much time at your cube or office. They will always ask you to lunch (and you’ll never ask them). They’ll call and email you pictures or funny articles that A) aren’t funny and B) have nothing to do with work. If you are the one who attracts said annoying coworker, then I’m very sorry for you. But have no fearthere is light at the end of the tunnel…just don’t turn around because chances are that annoying coworker followed you into that tunnel.

    Because this is your workplace, you have to be careful about how you deal with a coworker who gives you unwanted attention. You can’t be as stern as you may be with someone in your personal life. Since you see this person every day and honestly, may even end up working directly with or even for them at some point, you don’t want to burn any bridges. So flat-out telling this person to leave you alone is not an option. That leaves you with 2 possibilities:

    Reject their advances. If they ask you to lunch, always politely decline. Drinks after work? Nope, can’t make it. Carpool to the conference or meeting? No, I’m driving with someone already. This way, you’re making yourself very clear without being blunt. For this strategy to work you must be consistent. Do not accept lunch (even if they’re buying); do not follow your rejection of the carpool with “Would you like to join us?” Mixed messages will only prolong the attention.

    Talk to the boss, If a person is constantly smothering you at work and taking over your space, you can easily tell your boss. However, don’t say, “Bob is always around me and won’t leave me alone!” That’s just complaining. Try something like, “I’m sure Bob is a great guy, but he is spending way too much time by my desk and honestly it’s distracting me from my duties.” If you position the attention as something that reduces your productivity, your boss will jump to handle it. And you can even request that your name to be kept out of the conversation.

    Tip 3: The social media maven

    Social media makes us very brave. It turns ordinary people into comedians and the quietest person into the biggest loudmouth. And as much as I love Facebook and Twitter, it’s an easy way for people to constantly flood you with messages, photos, or invites. Don’t get me started on the invites. Maddening!

    Here’s an example: My friend Dave was besieged by an old camp mate of his from when he was nine. This guy constantly sent Dave photos of the good ol’ days, invited him to hang out, offered tickets to ballgames, and even suggested Dave come on vacation with his family. Really? This went on and on and got to a point where Dave was actually considering canceling his Facebook account altogether because he couldn’t take it anymore. Thankfully, he’s friends with Modern Manners Guy and I told him the alternative to such drastic measures.

    If someone is giving you unwanted attention on social media sites, you should simply block them from seeing your pages. On Twitter, blocking allows the annoying “friend” to look at your page as a standalone site, but not receive any updates. And on Facebook, blocking them pretty much erases them from your circle. The downside is that after a while they will catch on that they’re not quite as involved in your life as they used to be…or so they thought. Of course, you know that they never were a part of your world and you hated the attention from the start.

    Blocking is the quickest and most mannerly way to handle an unwanted social media maven. Yes, they may not like it (and may even badmouth you to their circle), but as I said in Tip #1, it’s your life and you should be able to choose who is a part of itno matter how great their football season tickets are.

     

    Annoying Ex, Annoying Coworker and Social Media Maven images courtesy of Shutterstock

  • How not to destroy your marriage: 8 tips for staying a happy couple(2)

    EVIL RIDER ONE  CONTEMPT:

    You can show contempt in all kinds of ways from rolling your eyes, cursing, sarcasm, and name calling. Some people have a PhD in contemptuous communication. But the expression of contempt is toxic to relationships. Gottman (4) found that if the expression of contempt was a regular feature in the start-up phase of a disagreement, the prognosis for relationship survival were poor. For example he found women who looked contemptuous whilst their husband was talking were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.

    EVIL RIDER TWO  DEFENSIVENESS:

    “What do you mean by that!!” or “Why are you always picking on me?” when someone really isn’t is a sign of defensiveness. Being too defensive can do to your relationship what sulphuric acid can do to a beautiful oil painting.

    If one partner immediately starts shouting as soon as their er… “loved one” even gently broaches a subject then the local divorce lawyer may be in for some new business shortly.

    Feeling overly attacked or threatened can be a deal breaker as it makes you, well, hard to live and feel intimate with.

    A partner may have gotten into the habit of being defensive because of having been genuinely relentlessly criticized which brings us along to the next marriage deal breaker:

    EVIL RIDER THREE:  DON’T CRITICIZE BUT DO COMPLIMENT

    Want to sever your relationship completely, destroy it beyond repair? Then keep on criticizing. The humble criticism has destroyed more marriages than you can shake a divorce lawyer’s fee at. A criticism, as opposed to a complaint is an attack on the whole person.

    For example: “You are such stupid fu”!er you forgot the milk!” implies they’re always stupid in all contexts rather than they did something that was not so bright in this instance.

    A complaint, on the other hand is limited. It’s directed at one off behaviors rather than the core identity of your partner.  “I’m upset you forgot the milk this morning! That’s not like you” is a complaint not a criticism because it’s specific an not a attack on their core being.

    People in happy marriages feel appreciated, loved, and respected. Drive this evil rider out of town by reminding your spouse of their talents, strengths, and what you love and like about them much more. No one likes to feel constantly under fire. Mind you if someone has been under fire a lot they are more likely to run and hide:

    EVIL RIDER FOUR: WITHDRAWAL OR ‘STONEWALLING’

    Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when a partner is complaining or just trying to be intimate is another huge predictor of breakdown. There are lots of ways to make ourselves absent even if we are in the same room.

    Men may typically do this in the face of what they perceive to be nagging. Gottman found that whilst criticizing was generally more of a female trait, men used stonewalling more. But the withdrawal can become its own problem if it becomes habit or is used in response to attempts at intimacy from your partner.

    Everyone needs space, but never responding to an emotional issue leaves the other partner out in the cold.

    So these are things to avoid or at least minimize. But on the positive side what can you do to breath health into your marriage?

    Tip four: Know what not to talk about

    Younger couples often want to ‘dig deep’ to unearth all their ‘issues’, to be entirely open with one another, and to ‘talk everything through’. “There should be no secrets in this relationship!”  This is the cliché of marriage guidance counseling that everything has to be “processed” and discussed. Imagine doing that on a first date!

    But studies of couples who have actually been successfully married for many decades have found, counter intuitively, that these elderly happy couples often don’t listen very carefully to what the other is saying when expressing negative emotion.

    They also tend to ignore their own feelings about the relationship unless they consider that something absolutely must be done. This is so different from the “is this/isn’t this person right for me” agonizing that can pollute perfectly good relationships.

    So the typical advice of agony aunts and amateur therapists to ‘air all your issues’ and get ‘everything out’ doesn’t, after all, make for long-term healthy relationships. Agreeing to disagree and knowing which subjects to steer clear of is a key relationship skill. But..

    Tip five:  Work it out but keep a lid on it

    Another key skill exercised by people good at marriage is to know when a conversation or argument has ‘run its course’ and change the subject.

    The old ‘quick shift’ lessens the amount of negative emotion experienced and decreases the likelihood of later rumination or return to negative interaction. It also conveys the message, “We do argue sometimes but still get on.” Thus, the argument is contained and doesn’t leak and messily contaminate the whole relationship.

    Disagreements need to be ‘one-off specials’, not long-running serials. And talking of not always doing big relationship talk, have some fun. I’m serious, have some fun… Now!

    Tip six:  Laugh together and stay together

    It’s been found that regularly revisiting past romantic times and alluding to them often in conversation keeps relationships strong. So “Wasn’t it wonderful when we…” and “Do you remember…” is a powerful way of staying bonded. Believe it or not some couples do the opposite and only drag up the bad stuff  ouch!

    Here’s a surprise though. As healthy and good as regular romantic reminiscing is, regularly laughing together is even more powerful at keeping intimacy flowing (5). I guess this is because fun and laughter is all about seeing the perspective of things.

    So, create a reservoir of funny times and re-visit them often together. Lack of fun is, well, no fun. And having fun and laughing will help you with this all important marriage success equation:

    Tip seven: Remember the 5:1 golden rule

    According to our Dr Gottman, if a marriage is to be stable it needs to adhere to the magical 5:1 rule.

    Which is… there need to be five good interactions for every not-so-good one. And ‘good’ might mean a fun afternoon spent together, a loving hug, an enjoyable movie date, an exchange of genuine smiles, or a nice chat about the garden, anything positive. A ‘bad’ interaction may be a row, disagreement, or disappointment.

    Make efforts to keep to the 5:1 rule in your day to day life and your marriage will become more stable. And finally:

    Tip eight: Can you read (love) maps?

    I used to watch the Mr. and Mrs. TV show. The basic idea was that the host would ask one partner to go behind a soundproof screen. Next he’d get the remaining partner to answer questions about their absent spouses preferences, their likes and likely dislikes.

    For example: “Where in the world would your husband most like to travel?” or “What drink would your wife most likely order in a restaurant?” The idea was that the more correlated the answers, the stronger the relationship and marriage. And research bears this out:

    The more you know your partner’s tastes, aspirations, whom they like and dislike at work, and so on, the better ‘love map’ you have. Knowing the details of your partner’s inner and outer life (whilst allowing for some privacy) makes for a stronger bond.

    One woman I treated with complained her husband had no idea who her best friend was! She saw this, not surprisingly, as a lack of interest and therefore, love on his part. Another client didn’t know the name of her (underappreciated) husband’s company.

    Strengthen and update your love maps to better navigate your relationship. Remember details about your partner so they feel connected to you and you to them. Feed back your knowledge of their “map” so they feel listened to, understood and cared about.

     

    Source:gimundo.com

  • How not to destroy your marriage: 8 tips for staying a happy couple

    ALL marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble”.  Raymond Hull

    So how do you make your marriage work? Or do you just blindly hope it’ll take care of itself?

    Think of a hot, successful date with someone you’re attracted to. You have fun, great conversation and more sexual chemistry than a warehouse full of pheromones. You don’t have to “work at” the date because it’s self sustaining. It runs as smoothly as the gliding hand of a classical guitar maestro and you can’t wait for another rendition.

    But marriage, or any long term relationship; well that’s a whole other caboodle.

    If we’re not careful, marriage can deteriorate into little more than a torturous assault course; littered with routine boredoms, frustrations and resentments. Couple all that with external pressures and sometimes marriage feels not worth the effort. But there are major benefits to being hitched or committed, other than just a beneficial tax regime.

    Healthy marriage; healthy people

    Being happily married bestows heaps of health benefits. You might be forgiven for thinking that if you’re married you don’t live longer it just seems like it but, no, a good marriage really can help you clock up more years (1) and married people are happier (2) even though they don’t always look it from the outside.

    But when marriage doesn’t work it can feel being manacled to a maniac, marooned with a misogynist or nailed to a nag. And I don’t care what the studies say, that’s not healthy. You may hear couples say stuff like: “We are making our marriage work!” but how do we do this?

    Making it work .

    We pay lip service to “working on the marriage” but what is the work we need to do? Marriage vows such as-“to love and to cherish” and “forsaking all others, for better or for worse” don’t really tell us how to make it work, although they give us a clue.

    Fortunately a ton of research has been done on what to do and not do to make your marriage, or any intimate relationship work. Follow the guidelines here to become “good at marriage”.

    Tip one: Be romantic but keep it real

    We are all (force?) fed romance in movies and novels. The handsome man gets the beautiful woman. But what I wonder is what happens after our romantic couple ride off into the sunset together? What do they do exactly? Bicker? Moan at one another? Start to ignore each other?

    After all that romance, our beautiful couple is bound to have massive expectations of their life together. But when rose tinted expectations clash with day to reality, watch out!

    Romance is vital in any relationship. Always seeing the best in your partner helps to keep things intimate and love should be expressed. But if you have been raised on Mills and Boon Romance novels or feel-good movies, then your own romantic expectations can work against the sustainability of your long term relationship.

    When day to day life fails to live up to the giddy, heady lust-filled days of the pre-settled down romance people can become angry, even blame one another: “This wasn’t what I signed up for”. They find it hard to take the rough with the smooth because they never really figured there would be any rough.

    Expectations not diluted with at least a dash of realism can be a royal road to relationship ruin. Your partner may be an angel, but they have feet of clay. You must learn to love those feet or at least accept them a bit!

    Tip two: Say sorry so you won’t be

    Some people don’t apologize, and can never admit they were wrong. Sorry isn’t a word they can say unless they are asking you to be. If such people drive you nuts, console yourself with the thought that they don’t keep relationships very long

    People who don’t say sorry to their partner are much less likely to ever become married, or if they do they are much less likely to stay married. Never or seldom apologizing is a relationship crusher because one partner ends up feeling always in the wrong.

    A survey conducted in San Francisco (3) found that people who stay happily married are twice as likely to be able and willing to apologize to their partners as divorced or single people are. The survey found happily married people are 25% more likely to apologize first, even if they only feel partially to blame. The harder divorced and single people found it ever to apologize or make conciliatory gestures, the more likely they were to stay single.

    Romance, passion and good Italian food may bring couples together, but compromise and respect will keep them there. Say sorry sometimes.

    Tip Three:  Drive those relationship-ruining bandits out of town.

    The marriage psychologist John Gottman spent decades observing the interactions between married couples behind a one way mirror (legally!). He and his researchers found they could predict amazingly accurately which marriages would stay the course and which would crash and burn. They could tell with great accuracy which couples were destined for relationship break up after listening (and watching) just five minutes of discussion regarding a difficult issue.

    It wasn’t how often they argued it was how they argued that was key to relationship longevity or marriage.

    There are four ways of communicating which are toxic to marriage. What Gottman describes ‘The “Four riders of the Apocalypse’, any one of which, if it’s a repeating feature of couples communication, is a big predictor of a not so happy ever after  and soon!

    So what are the Four Apocalyptic Riders you need to steer clear of?

     

     

    EVIL RIDER ONE  CONTEMPT:

    You can show contempt in all kinds of ways from rolling your eyes, cursing, sarcasm, and name calling. Some people have a PhD in contemptuous communication. But the expression of contempt is toxic to relationships. Gottman (4) found that if the expression of contempt was a regular feature in the start-up phase of a disagreement, the prognosis for relationship survival were poor. For example he found women who looked contemptuous whilst their husband was talking were six times more likely to be divorced two years later.

    EVIL RIDER TWO  DEFENSIVENESS:

    “What do you mean by that!!” or “Why are you always picking on me?” when someone really isn’t is a sign of defensiveness. Being too defensive can do to your relationship what sulphuric acid can do to a beautiful oil painting.

    If one partner immediately starts shouting as soon as their er… “loved one” even gently broaches a subject then the local divorce lawyer may be in for some new business shortly.

    Feeling overly attacked or threatened can be a deal breaker as it makes you, well, hard to live and feel intimate with.

    A partner may have gotten into the habit of being defensive because of having been genuinely relentlessly criticized which brings us along to the next marriage deal breaker:

    EVIL RIDER THREE:  DON’T CRITICIZE BUT DO COMPLIMENT

    Want to sever your relationship completely, destroy it beyond repair? Then keep on criticizing. The humble criticism has destroyed more marriages than you can shake a divorce lawyer’s fee at. A criticism, as opposed to a complaint is an attack on the whole person.

    For example: “You are such stupid fu”!er you forgot the milk!” implies they’re always stupid in all contexts rather than they did something that was not so bright in this instance.

    A complaint, on the other hand is limited. It’s directed at one off behaviors rather than the core identity of your partner.  “I’m upset you forgot the milk this morning! That’s not like you” is a complaint not a criticism because it’s specific an not a attack on their core being.

    People in happy marriages feel appreciated, loved, and respected. Drive this evil rider out of town by reminding your spouse of their talents, strengths, and what you love and like about them much more. No one likes to feel constantly under fire. Mind you if someone has been under fire a lot they are more likely to run and hide:

    EVIL RIDER FOUR: WITHDRAWAL OR ‘STONEWALLING’

    Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when a partner is complaining or just trying to be intimate is another huge predictor of breakdown. There are lots of ways to make ourselves absent even if we are in the same room.

    Men may typically do this in the face of what they perceive to be nagging. Gottman found that whilst criticizing was generally more of a female trait, men used stonewalling more. But the withdrawal can become its own problem if it becomes habit or is used in response to attempts at intimacy from your partner.

    Everyone needs space, but never responding to an emotional issue leaves the other partner out in the cold.

    So these are things to avoid or at least minimize. But on the positive side what can you do to breath health into your marriage?

    Tip four: Know what not to talk about

    Younger couples often want to ‘dig deep’ to unearth all their ‘issues’, to be entirely open with one another, and to ‘talk everything through’. “There should be no secrets in this relationship!”  This is the cliché of marriage guidance counseling that everything has to be “processed” and discussed. Imagine doing that on a first date!

    But studies of couples who have actually been successfully married for many decades have found, counter intuitively, that these elderly happy couples often don’t listen very carefully to what the other is saying when expressing negative emotion.

    They also tend to ignore their own feelings about the relationship unless they consider that something absolutely must be done. This is so different from the “is this/isn’t this person right for me” agonizing that can pollute perfectly good relationships.

    So the typical advice of agony aunts and amateur therapists to ‘air all your issues’ and get ‘everything out’ doesn’t, after all, make for long-term healthy relationships. Agreeing to disagree and knowing which subjects to steer clear of is a key relationship skill. But..

    Tip five:  Work it out but keep a lid on it

    Another key skill exercised by people good at marriage is to know when a conversation or argument has ‘run its course’ and change the subject.

    The old ‘quick shift’ lessens the amount of negative emotion experienced and decreases the likelihood of later rumination or return to negative interaction. It also conveys the message, “We do argue sometimes but still get on.” Thus, the argument is contained and doesn’t leak and messily contaminate the whole relationship.

    Disagreements need to be ‘one-off specials’, not long-running serials. And talking of not always doing big relationship talk, have some fun. I’m serious, have some fun… now!

    Tip six:  Laugh together and stay together

    It’s been found that regularly revisiting past romantic times and alluding to them often in conversation keeps relationships strong. So “Wasn’t it wonderful when we…” and “Do you remember…” is a powerful way of staying bonded. Believe it or not some couples do the opposite and only drag up the bad stuff  ouch!

    Here’s a surprise though. As healthy and good as regular romantic reminiscing is, regularly laughing together is even more powerful at keeping intimacy flowing (5). I guess this is because fun and laughter is all about seeing the perspective of things.

    So, create a reservoir of funny times and re-visit them often together. Lack of fun is, well, no fun. And having fun and laughing will help you with this all important marriage success equation:

    Tip seven: Remember the 5:1 golden rule

    According to our Dr Gottman, if a marriage is to be stable it needs to adhere to the magical 5:1 rule.

    Which is… there need to be five good interactions for every not-so-good one. And ‘good’ might mean a fun afternoon spent together, a loving hug, an enjoyable movie date, an exchange of genuine smiles, or a nice chat about the garden, anything positive. A ‘bad’ interaction may be a row, disagreement, or disappointment.

    Make efforts to keep to the 5:1 rule in your day to day life and your marriage will become more stable. And finally:

    Tip eight: Can you read (love) maps?

    I used to watch the Mr. and Mrs. TV show. The basic idea was that the host would ask one partner to go behind a soundproof screen. Next he’d get the remaining partner to answer questions about their absent spouses preferences, their likes and likely dislikes.

    For example: “Where in the world would your husband most like to travel?” or “What drink would your wife most likely order in a restaurant?” The idea was that the more correlated the answers, the stronger the relationship and marriage. And research bears this out:

    The more you know your partner’s tastes, aspirations, whom they like and dislike at work, and so on, the better ‘love map’ you have. Knowing the details of your partner’s inner and outer life (whilst allowing for some privacy) makes for a stronger bond.

    One woman I treated with complained her husband had no idea who her best friend was! She saw this, not surprisingly, as a lack of interest and therefore, love on his part. Another client didn’t know the name of her (underappreciated) husband’s company.

    Strengthen and update your love maps to better navigate your relationship. Remember details about your partner so they feel connected to you and you to them. Feed back your knowledge of their “map” so they feel listened to, understood and cared about.

     

    Source:gimundo.com

  • Seven bedtime habits you must adjust

    Seven bedtime habits you must adjust

    The time you spend with your spouse right before you drift off to sleep is arguably the most important interaction you’ll have all day. Largely, it helps you overcome all day stress and the hectic workload at the office or place of business.

    Below, relationship experts share seven bedtime mistakes couples often make — and how to get back on track.

    1. Going to bed at different times.
    Sorry, night owl/early bird couples: Differing sleep schedules may seem like no big thing, but it’s more harmful than you realise, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a psychotherapist and author ofMarriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted.

    “It’s a recipe for feeling lonely and emotionally (and physically) detached from each other,” she said. “One of the best things about being a couple is the warm, fuzzy time you share right before drifting off to sleep — why would anyone want to sacrifice that?”

    If you’re going to bed at separate times, there may be more to it than meets the eye, said Berger. “A conflict or grudge might exist that you need to talk about earlier in the day.”

    RELATED POST: Best sexual positions for first timers

    2. Being inconsiderate of your spouse’s schedule.
    If your late night TV or texting habits are getting in the way of your spouse’s rest, it may be time to move the flat screen or smartphone out of the bedroom, said Becky Whetstone, a marriage and family therapist based in Little Rock, Arkansas. Whetstone called on a real life example to illustrate her point.

    One husband I counselled was a physician and had to be at the hospital by 6:00 a.m. every weekday. He pleaded with his wife, a stay-at-home mum, to not watch TV when he was trying to get a good night’s sleep but she wanted to keep it on all night as background noise

    Whetstone recalled. “Despite every effort ­– like suggesting she get headphones or he get earplugs and blinders for his eyes — nothing brought him peace and she would not budge. A few years later, they divorced.”

    3. Saying nothing — or very little — to each other before bed.
    After a long day of work and looking after the kids, who can blame you for wanting to jump into bed and call it a night? Still, it’s worth trying to carve out some time to emotionally reconnect with your spouse.
    “Take the time to talk about the highlights and low points of your day,” said LiYana Silver, a San Francisco-based relationship coach. “There’s no need to offer advice or therapy to each other — just keep it to a short share.”

    4. Spending time with your smartphone over quality time with your spouse.
    Do yourself a favour and escort your smartphone out of the room before you head to bed. Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and texts should always take a backseat to your spouse, but especially before bed, Berger said.

    ALSO: Dealing with masturbation

    “Taking a tablet or phone to bed with you harms your relationship in two ways: First, it isolates you emotionally from each other,” she said. “Secondly, when we’re on electronic device shortly before sleep, the stimulation from the screen tends to keep you awake. With insufficient sleep, we’re likely to be less patient, kind and tolerant toward our partner the next day.”

    5. Self-grooming in bed.
    Save the grooming regimen for the bathroom. As Whetstone has heard from clients, nothing kills romance quite like an errant toenail flicking you in the face.A wife I worked with was disgusted with her husband’s tendency for grooming his nails in bed,” Whetstone recalled. “She’d say, ‘I hear a click or crack and every now and then a piece of toe or fingernail hits me in the face or flies across the room and bounces off the wall!’ Even when the nails didn’t hit her, she felt like he didn’t care at all about what she thought of him.”

    A wife I worked with was disgusted with her husband’s tendency for grooming his nails in bed. Whetstone recalled. “She’d say, ‘I hear a click or crack and every now and then a piece of toe or fingernail hits me in the face or flies across the room and bounces off the wall!’ Even when the nails didn’t hit her, she felt like he didn’t care at all about what she thought of him.

    6. Putting physical intimacy on the back burner.
    Starting to feel more like roommates than spouses? If one of you is avoiding coming to bed or is seemingly disinterested in sex, talk through your issues before you hit the sheets, said Whetstone.
    “When it comes to sex, quite a few clients have told me they suspect that their spouse won’t come to bed at the same time they do because they want to avoid sex — and quite a few don’t deny that,” she said.”I always say, ‘Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk about it rather than hide out in another room and tiptoe to bed once you know they’re in a deep sleep?’”

    “I always say, ‘Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk about it rather than hide out in another room and tiptoe to bed once you know they’re in a deep sleep?’”

    7. Going to bed angry.
    You shouldn’t abruptly end an argument just because it’s late and you’re both tired. But allowing unresolved conflicts or misunderstandings to fester time and time again isn’t good for your marriage, either.

    “There is a good reason for the saying, ‘Don’t go to bed angry,’” said Berger.

    “Instead, do your best to clear up issues well before bedtime, so when you’re ready to turn in for the night you’ll both want to communicate lovingly, in words, tone and actions.”

     

    First appeared on Huffington Post

  • Reasons why you should travel with your partner

    Reasons why you should travel with your partner

    When it comes to travel escapades, nothing is more than romantic than a getaway for two. While traveling with a gang of buddies can be quite fun, it’s nothing compared to staying in a beautiful place with someone you adore and love

    TRAVELING is truly one of the coolest and most amazing things you can do together with your loved one. While solo travel can be empowering, inspiring and rewarding, a trip with your special someone can create blissfully sweet memories that you will cherish forever.

    What’s more, it is intrinsically stimulating and romantic in ways that your life at your apartment or home can never be. Trust me, a weekend on the road with your partner is a lot more enriching than a month’s worth of candle-lit dining and shopping.

     

    1. Improves intimacy

    Did you know that couples who travel often have better and more intimate sex lives than those who don’t? Yes folks, a survey conducted by the US Travel Association in 2013 suggested that traveling with your partner is more likely to create a spark of romance in your relationship than a gift.  And according to the survey, 77 percent of those who travel with their significant other have admitted that they have a good, happy and intimate sex life.

    1. Travel strengthens your relationship

    When you travel with your partner, you get to face a ton of challenges, experiences and obstacles that will help develop a bond that is much stronger than the bond built through Netflix watching movies or shopping. Whether you’re cage diving with the sharks in Cape Town or getting lost in a big city like New York, the experiences in your travel as a couple provide a lot of opportunities for relationship growth. Plus, travel can test the strength of your relationship.

    1. Create and share unforgettable moments

    You’ll be writing together history as well as create awesome adventures and moments to which you will always look back with affection and humor.

    1. Home is where the heart is

    No matter where you are, home will never feel too far away, when you have the person you care and love the most by your side.

    1. Some travel experiences are best when shared

    There are some travel experiences like sunset gazing in Bali or dining on an Italian cliff restaurant that feel more magical when you have a special someone to share those special moments with you.

    1. It’s more economical

    Traveling with someone is far more economical than traveling solo since you will be sharing the costs your meals, taxi cab fares, activities and accommodations.

    1. Someone to lighten you up in unpleasant times

    Let’s face it, horrible situations and unforeseen events are almost inevitable, when you are traveling.  Stolen bags, lost reservations, missed train rides and delayed flights are just some of the unpleasant things that can happen on the road. Fortunately, you have someone with you to lighten things up and ease the situation.

    1. It’s very romantic

    When it comes to travel escapades, nothing is more than romantic than a getaway for two. While traveling with a gang of buddies can be quite fun, it’s nothing compared to staying in a beautiful place with someone you adore and love.

    1. You won’t get bored

    Long bus rides and flights are more fun and entertaining when you have your favorite person sitting right next to you. Honestly, it is far better than reading a novel about vampires and werewolves, or playing your favorite game on your smartphone.

    1. It brings out your partner’s true character

    Heading towards a serious relationship? Then, make sure to have an adventurous travel escapade with him or her before committing. Traveling, in many ways, can push your partner away from his or her comfort zones, which will let you discover your partner’s positive and negative traits.

    Also, the combination of culture shock and exhausting globetrotting can somehow bring out some of the deeply hidden flaws of your partner’s character. That’s why you should keep an eye of how your loved one acts toward hotel staff, flight attendants and waiters during your time together on the road.

    1. Small surprising discoveries

    There are tons of fun and surprising discoveries that can happen when you travel abroad with your partner. Who knows? Your partner may be well-versed in Icelandic folklore, or could speak conversational Mandarin.

    1. New experiences together

    Can you remember the last time you, as a couple, did something new? As you travel with your special someone, you will have plenty of opportunities to experience something both of you have never tried before.

    1. Someone’s got your back

    It is just nice to have someone you trust to watch your bag and personal belongings, while you take a quick nap or go to a bathroom.

    1. Two thinking heads are better than one

    Traveling as a couple lets you share the burden of travel planning and decision making. More importantly, it improves your chances of making the right decisions.

    1. You’ll learn to trust and rely on each other

    Travel experiences with you partner, such as hiking and camping in the woods, will help turn you into a better team player.

    1. Gives you a peek into his/her preparation style

    Observing your partner as he or she packs, plans and saves money for your vacation together can give you an insight into the way he or she handles some of the most important undertakings in your relationship. If organizing a vacation to the Las Vegas or Grand Canyon is enough to make your partner irritable and frantic, do you think he or she can handle a wedding?

    1. Epic twofies

    Traveling with your loved one lets you take ultra cool and epic twofies.

    1. Lots of opportunities to ask the tough questions

    Ever wondered what happened to your partner’s previous relationship? Sailing excursions, hikes, train rides, airplane trips and long car drives are the best times to have deep and meaningful discussions with your significant other. Of course, you can ask your loved one about his past relationships, future goals and childhood during these lovely moments.

     

    Source: www.strekeffect.com

  • How to master ladies’ G-spot

    How to master ladies’ G-spot

    There’s no doubt you’ve heard of the G-spot: that mythical area that feels extra good for ladies when you hit it. But sadly, there are a lot of women who actually haven’t even found their own G-spots themselves. Why not?

    For starters, it can be hard to locate. And when she’s masturbating and her clitoris is right out there in the open and ready to go, going on a solo treasure hunt in search of it the G-spot might just feel a little unnecessary.

    However, for the women who have managed to find that sacred spot, the results can be pretty mind blowing, and any guy who can find his partner’s G-spot and use it to give her maximum pleasure would qualify as an incredible lover. Finding it, however, is only the first step. You’ll need to know how it works, and the best way to stimulate it for maximum pleasure. Having a few sex positions handy that target this erogenous zone will further help your cause.

    Ready to start searching and blow her mind? Here’s how to master the G-spot — what it is, what it does, how to find it, best practices for making it feel good and beyond.

    Now would also be a good time to note that the orgasms that occur through stimulating the G-spot versus the ones that result from clitoral stimulation are related — but are felt a bit differently. “G-spot orgasms also overlap with clitoral and vaginal orgasms, as the area known as the G-spot is accessible through the front wall of the vagina and is located in very close proximity to the legs of the clitoris,” says Dr. O’Reilly.

    “Both scientific and anecdotal accounts of G-spot orgasms, however, suggest that they are distinct from other experiences of pleasure.

    Women often report that a G-spot orgasm feels different from a clitoral one, as they experience sensations of bearing down or pushing out with their pelvic floor muscles as opposed to tenting effect from clitoral stimulation.

    In fact, research suggests that the brain actually uses different regions for processing each of these feelings.

    “Dr. Beverly Whipple and Dr. Barry Komisaruk discovered that vaginal, cervical and G-spot stimulation activates different parts of the brain via four different nerve pathways that innervate the clitoris, vagina and cervix,” says Dr. O’Reilly.

    “What is most exceptional about this differentiation is the fact that the Vagus nerve bypasses the spinal cord, allowing even those diagnosed with complete spinal cord injury to experience pleasure and orgasm via the cervix.” So, now you know how it all works. But if the G-spot differs in location from woman to woman, how do you go about finding it?

    This article first appeared on askmen.com

  • Making up with your ex

    Making up with your ex

    IT’S over. You’ve broken up, hired attorneys, filed or are already divorced. You thought that you were successfully moving on, and you’re facing what feels like another long, lonely weekend alone. Sure, you’ve been dating, but you haven’t met anyone of enduring significance. When you first separated you felt confident and justified, even hopeful about meeting someone new, but now you’re feeling miserable.

    You’re laying on the couch, obsessing over what could have or should have been with your ex. You’re wondering what they’re doing and whom they’re with. Are they thinking about and missing you too? Maybe they’re your Great Love after all, and you screwed up in letting them go!

    So when they text you with an “I miss you. Can we talk?”, you’re beside yourself with hopefulness and glee. You feel like this is the miraculous moment you’ve been praying for. Here’s your chance to make it right and get back together.

    Not so fast!

    In my work with divorcing couples, and being the veteran of two divorces myself, I’ve learned personally and professionally that no matter what your lonesome heart is telling you in this moment of vulnerability, it’s critical to remain rational, take it slow, and most of all, keep your eyes open. I can promise you those unresolved problems will rise again, once the hormones and excitement settles down and you’re back in your comfort zone.

    If you both truly want to use this as a second chance at creating a happier, more successful and secure relationship, make sure you can both clearly answer a resounding “yes” to the following relationship well-being stabilizers before calling your attorneys and jumping back in. Please note that the operative word here is “both.”

    1. We have a plan of action in place to deal with disappointments that may occur. It is important to have a “rough waters, this is shaky territory” game plan for how to handle your responses differently this time around. Discuss the problem areas that you had in the past and the needed changes. Having some strategies in place will eliminate some of the shock and disappointment that occurs when you realize not much has magically changed during the time apart.
    2. We have no secrets, no masks and are willing to speak our truth. Many times we hide our true selves in order to keep the peace and win approval, attention and love. But then, we never feel completely known or seen. To make it work, you need to have the following agreement: No secrets. No masks. I am really me. You are really you. No lies, no games.
    3. We won’t bail when things get tough. There has to be a firm commitment to stay together while you are making new and permanent changes. Create a love contract that declares your willingness to hang in there and hold hands when the inevitable problems, fears and regressions arise.
    4. We are prepared to take it slow and rebuild again. This is a second chance for love. Take it slow. Don’t fall prey to the lure of ex-sex. While the desire to jump into bed may be strong, give yourself the time to learn about each other anew and see each other with fresh eyes. Go on dates, talk and build trust. Become friends. Be gentle and nurturing with yourself and your partner. Notice how safe it feels to really be you. Are your needs being met? How loved and accepted do you each feel?
    5. We have the same goals for the relationship. It’s problematic if one person wants to move quickly and the other wants to take it slow. Or one of you wants children and the other doesn’t. Don’t reunite before you are sure the timing is right and a mutual commitment of goals is agreed upon.
    6. We are ready and willing to forgive the past. If you truly want to repair and rejuvenate your relationship, you’ll have to resolve the negative feelings and come to a place of forgiveness and understanding with yourself and each other. As the barriers melt and a renewed sense of safety and relief replaces hurt, your hearts will be free to truly love again.

    Let’s face it, no relationship is problem or disappointment free. The real strength and cohesion between you is often revealed in how you deal with the problems and frustrations that arise. This time around, make sure you have a plan in place, especially for your hot button issues. Decide in advance how you’ll solve problems as a team, not make issues exclusively a “me” problem or a “you” problem. When problems do arise, the best question to ask is “How would love respond?” Loving actions brings caring solutions.

    A breakup isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it can give a relationship the healthy shake up it needs. Like a brush with death, splitting up can breathe new life and love back into a relationship that has lost its luster, grown lonely, built up a shopping cart of unexpressed resentments, or got caught up in the spin of too many distractions. Suddenly, in the midst of this rebirth, you value being together more and realize how much you really do love each other.

    This could be a second chance to have that great and enduring relationship your heart desires, or it could be the necessary completion you need to fully move on. Whatever the outcome, the willingness to choose love over fear is a worthy journey no matter how the relationship ultimately ends up.

     

    Sheri Meyers, Psy.D is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Los Angeles, CA, and author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship.

     

    Source: huffingtonpost.com

  • Ladies don’t love men who do these five things

    Ladies don’t love men who do these five things

    More often than necessary, you might have heard a friend complain about women not finding them attractive enough or perhaps be jealous of another friend who women always clog around. The reason could be that they engage in these things that turn women off.

    Several pieces of research have been done into the gap between men and women. It’s not rocket science to determine what men find less attractive to women. Take a quick look at these few blunders:

    Another bottle of wine too!

    Most men love a woman who loves to party but like a little policy. Sorry, ladies, but a real friend should not drink more than necessary. It is very embarrassing if someone sees my man “that drunk last week cuddled and constantly using the toilet. Thus, the task of ensuring that it does not happen is a factor to consider in hanging around the guy.

    TRENDING: Best sexual positions for first timers

    Forgot to shave

    There is no denial that men who give time to shave usually appear more attractive to women. If you are not sure, ask a female friend or workmate politely. It’s no mystery that women also have hair growth, but there are few men who feel attractive carrying bushy armpits, moustache or chin hair. Yeah, you may ask why women go as far as shaving everything including the hair in their Hood.

    Cursing like a ‘danfo’ driver

    Some of us have friends and may be relatives who use the f-words and the k-words often and we forgive them but that is not to say that we do not have some reservations. However, as a guy who wants to be loveable and charming to ladies should rather avoid such. This is not to say that you have to start speaking like Barrack Obama addressing the Congress or Queen Elizabeth of United Kingdom, but a little attention to your words is not too much to ask. It shows a sign of respect for the lady.

    Know the right time

    RELATED: Masturbation: How to overcome the bad addiction

    Crazy, crazier, craziest! A typical loveable guy by all ladies is one that understands when to touch her, where to touch her and how to touch her that she might say Stop. In fact, an attractive, smart dude understands that she actually meant Continue! Similarly, there are brave and lively ladies who like to have it rough. Play rough, run around, punch them and carry them. Unfortunately, you are going to be tagged boring if you fail to respond to her gesture for a rough play per time. She wants to run but you want to sit, that’s an error.

    Perfume

    You either accept this as a fact or not, perfume is there to enhance your scent. Sometimes it also helps to create an identity or to fall, it depends on your ability to choose the right perfume. Usually, perfumes with very strong fragrance don’t go well with ladies because it chokes them. Well, don’t be disappointed if they choke you, just endure.

    In essence, do you use perfume? Do so with caution. Men burst out on huge smoke odour. Some smart ladies like to figure out the name of your perfume by perceiving the fragrance. Interestingly, they feel challenged when you confuse them by mixing two or three perfumes. Hey! Be careful in mixing perfumes, hence you begin to smell like an undertaker from the gr*veyard.

     

     

  • Why beautiful, smart ladies fall in love with silly, ugly guys

    Why beautiful, smart ladies fall in love with silly, ugly guys

    The reasons why every individual engages in certain things like making the choice of lovers is mostly personal. In essence, what works for you might not work for someone else. No doubt, this is a recent trend in the world of relationships.

    Below is a question from an anonymous reader on why beautiful and smart ladies fall in love with men that are silly and ugly.

    The Question

    Hi Dating Nerd,

    I have been noticing a recent trend in the dating world. Why are women attracted to such unintelligent men? Do they get a sense of power out of it or is it a lark?

    I have a few friends who are not the sharpest tool in the shed but yet manage to get laid every night. The women, however, are intelligent. I have spoken to many different women about this issue, and they think dating dumb men is really a turn-on.

    The women I have asked have such careers as doctors, lawyers, stock brokers, etc. My point is these women are not stupid. So what the hell is going on with this current dating trend? Please shine some light on it for me, because I refuse to dumb myself down for any person.

    – Unappreciated Genius

     

    The Answer

    Hi Unappreciated Genius,

    I get why you’re confused. After all, intelligent men are inherently superior, right? Why would a woman want to date some dumb jock when she could date a guy who quotes Proust and understands the motion of molecules? Wouldn’t she miss the scintillating debates? Wouldn’t she get frustrated that she couldn’t talk about her dissertation?

    Well, not necessarily. See, there’s a shaky assumption at the heart of your question, which is that smart men are inherently superior. And this is incorrect, for two reasons.

    First reason: Women don’t need men to provide intellectual stimulation. They can get that on their own. Look around you. If you hadn’t noticed, women are now lawyers, doctors, marketing sharks, insurance executives, and captains, so to speak, of industries. Many, many smart women are occupying demanding roles in the information economy. Increasingly, women spend long workdays absorbing avalanches of data and issuing complicated recommendations.

    And nobody — well, almost nobody — wants to keep their brain turned on all the time. If you’re a smart woman with a high-powered job, it’s perfectly reasonable that you’d want to hook up with an intellectually relaxing dude-bro, rather than an intellectually demanding guy like you.

    If this seems implausible, that’s only because it runs counter to some of the hoariest old relationship stereotypes. Y’know, like the one about the 1950s husband figure who does a complicated job and comes home to a simple, loving wife. Or the one about the private equity fund genius who dates a slew of European models. Dating someone who’s felicitous but a bit dim is not a new trend. It just seems more novel when the gender roles are switched up.

    And if this doesn’t seem fair, well — reader, look inside yourself for a second…

    Aren’t you attracted to the girl you met at the gym who isn’t necessarily exceptional at trigonometry, but probably looks great on a dance floor, or, more to the point, a bedroom floor? Don’t you find a certain kind of giggly, un-snobby femininity attractive?

    Don’t lie to me, now. All nerds nurse crushes on cheerleaders. It doesn’t seem right to judge women for having similar attractions.

    The second, more important reason is this: A lot of smart guys really suck with women. As we all know, intelligence doesn’t necessarily translate to emotional skills. Especially because a lot of intellectual dudes didn’t necessarily get a positive social experience growing up. Many dorky, sweet men are just unpracticed in terms of how to flirt, or date. And then there are straight-up terrible smart dudes: condescending pseudo-intellectuals and bitter PhDs.

    Surely, you’ve heard of the term ‘mansplaining.’ Y’know, the thing where men pepper their co-ed conversations with explanations of extremely basic phenomena as if the women they were talking to had never left their houses. Whatever you think of the word itself — whether or not you think it unfairly categorises the male gender — it is a very real phenomenon. Lots of women are tired of having men lecture at them about whatever.

    And usually, I don’t think it comes from a bad place. Men want to impress women. We’re under the impression that knowledge itself is impressive. And it is often said to be a quality women want in men. So we get the unhelpful impulse to brandish it at random. Also, the main genre of dude conversation is the hours-long exchange of minutiae and trivia. It’s not like mansplainers think, “Well, it’s time to be sexist now…” and then launch into their thing.

    But those good (or at least benign) intentions don’t change a thing. Mansplaining is still, at best, tiring. Every woman I know well is fed up with being on the receiving end of male rambling. They’ve all practised the pained but polite facial expression required when some software engineer goes on a monologue about how Radiohead’s last few albums were unappreciated. And maybe you’ve never done such a thing, ever. Maybe it isn’t you. But you can’t blame women for being wary of self-styled intellectuals.

    After all, compare that to your friendly gym-rat type of guy. He’s chill, easygoing, and doesn’t feel the need to speak in paragraphs about his existential crises. If he has a philosophy, it’s probably along the lines of “stay hungry,” or “be nice to people.” Also, he was probably popular in high school and is thus comfortable in conversation, self-assured, fond of making compliments, and pretty good in bed. His reflex isn’t to tell women all about seismology. He just says dumb sh*t to get a laugh. And it works.

    Everything I’ve said so far has been a condemnation of smart dudes. Even if you agree with me, I still haven’t given you any usable advice. But now I will do that. You might not like it, though.

    My advice is this: Learn from the dumb dudes.

    By that, I don’t mean suppress your intellect, or act stupid. What I mean is, change up your game a little. Upon meeting a lovely woman, is your first instinct to say something profound about a giant novel you just read? Well, maybe don’t do that. Instead, ask her some questions about herself. Say something silly. Keep it light. Don’t make the interaction laborious.

    Rather than being worried about displaying your intelligence, try hard to find a common connection with the woman you’re talking to. Look for shared interests, or opinions, or just something you can both laugh about. Be warm and genuine first, and verbose later. And, crucially, on your online dating profile, don’t write six paragraphs about all the smart stuff you think because you’re so smart. That’s just tedious. (I have done the same thing in the past, for what it’s worth.)

    Also? Those dudes of mediocre brainpower who are landing all those chicks probably have good style, and they’re probably in good shape. All the grey matter in the world won’t make up for a horrific outfit, a ridiculous haircut, or being in hideous physical shape. Get that stuff locked down. It’s as important as anything intellectual. Maybe much more.

    There’s a larger lesson here. When you see women being interested in men who aren’t like you, don’t just scratch your head, and assume that they should want what you’ve got instead. Instead of judging, observe. You’re being given important information about women’s needs. A man of your intellect should know how valuable that is.