The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • How To Make Your D*ck Smell Good

    How To Make Your D*ck Smell Good

    In a post from www.askmen.com, David Strovny spotted some bad habits that most guys put up which result in carrying stinking hoods around.

    According to Strovny,

    Your diet can hinder the way you smell or worse, the way you taste. Motivate her to go down south and come back for seconds.

    We’d love to all think we’re in top form when it comes to getting up close and personal to someone, but the truth is, life happens: Sometimes you or your partner will have a smell going on that may get in the way and is a potential turnoff for you or your sexual partner.

    The genital area has many sebaceous and apocrine glands, which make oil and sweat. It’s also an area that can get overheated under layers of clothes and underwear, all of which can lead to bacterial growth that can cause some intense smells. There are some easy ways to help keep it under control though.

    This is a common issue among young inexperienced men.

    However, that smell is common and is not an emergency. It can be more common among uncircumcised men. First, they need to rule out an STD and something called phimosis, which is when the penis head becomes constricted and infected – says men’s health expert, Dr Ralph Esposito.

    While it’s in no way a reflection on anything you are doing wrong, there are a lot of factors that can be responsible, and a lot you can do about it.

    One thing to keep in mind with regard to penis smell is that it can be an issue for uncircumcised guys. Guys with a foreskin can run the risk of their penises smelling more strongly, based on the growth of bacteria or yeast underneath the foreskin, if they don’t wash there regularly.

    “Smell is from bacteria or yeast, there is no other reason to smell. It’s all about the whiff test if you smell something,” says Dr. David Shusterman, Founder and Medical Director of NY Urology

    Tips to always smell good

    If you are about to have sex for the first time or if you’re a relative newbie, first, do an inspection to make sure everything looks good. If there is any kind of funk, go into the shower and thoroughly wash your penis, including under the foreskin if you’re uncircumcised.

    After the shower, dry off completely and do the whiff test — run a finger or a Q-tip along your penis and penis head and then sniff it. If there’s any smell left over after the shower, don’t have sex. Go see a urologist or your doctor, urologist preferred, and get some medication or treatment protocol. If you have a persistent smell that doesn’t go away, definitely go to see a urologist.

    Keep It Dry

    “After a shower, you should make sure you’re dry down there before you put on your undergarments. Don’t wear loose-fitting boxers – put on underwear like boxer briefs that will take away liquid or moisture away during the day,” says Dr Shusterman.

    If you exercise or engage in activities that make you sweat, make sure you shower. Your sweat takes any bacteria you do have and makes it grow. “Sweat is not bad – it’s just that it makes the area moist and grows the bacteria. The best deodorant for down there is keeping it dry. Covering up the smell is not enough, you have to keep it dry,” says Dr Shusterman.

    Get Rid Of Smegma

    You may have noticed a secretion in the folds of your skin down there, especially if you are uncircumcised. That’s smegma. Smegma also called “dick cheese,” is a mixture of skin cells, yeast and sweat that can appear under your foreskin and will smell strongly. How do you get rid of it? Simply wash regularly, since sweat is the real catalyst for smegma. “Yeast is always on your skin but you can’t make cheese unless you give it the proverbial milk… which would be the water or sweat that blends with yeast to make the cheese,” says Dr. Shusterman.

    Get Tested

    Another source of a strong negative odour coming off your penis could be STIs, or sexually transmitted infections, previously known as STDs or sexually transmitted diseases. If you’ve had unprotected sex in the past few months, you might have caught one. To be on the safe side, you should be getting tested for diseases every six months or so — or if you notice symptoms of a disease,.

    Wash Well

    There are a lot of folds around the groin areas. “It’s important to really take your time and wash all of the crevices. Uncircumcised men need to clean beneath the foreskin as well. Regular soap should do the trick. It’s not ideal to use an antibacterial soap, though you could if all else fails,” says Antonia Hall, a psychologist, relationship expert and sexpert and the award-winning author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life. That being said, do not ever use things like bleach or alcohol on your nether regions.

    Consider Health Issues

    What are you putting inside your body? Lots of guys believe or indeed do have bad ball odor. The reasons for it ranges, but a lot of it is what you are putting in your body: Are you a smoker? Do you have a heavy junk food or garlic diet? “Smoking, booze and a poor diet can make us taste and smell bad. Now may be the time to give up or seriously curtail those habits,” says Nina Helms, a sexual health expert.

    Give It A Trim

    Keeping neat and tidy is a good way to stay smelling your best. Pubic hair increases the likelihood of staying heated and it traps in moisture and odors. “You don’t have to take it all away, but pruning things down can make a big difference in potential smells forming,” says Hall. So if you’re concerned, consider manscaping a bit down there soonest.

    Apply Talcum Powder

    Talcum powder will also keep you drier and fresher. “A little sprinkle will help you feel fresher and stay smelling good. There are a variety of powders made for this very purpose,” says Hall.

  • What you need to know about losing your virginity

    No matter how long ago it happened, every 99% of women on the planet can tell you in clear terms how they lost their virginity. Of all the first things you’ll experience in your lifetime, your first time doing the deed truly marks a clear before and after.

    One minute, you’re a guy who has imagined what it would be like to penetrate a woman by way of lots of porn and sexual daydreams. And then next minute (or hopefully more), you’ve got the experience under your belt and you’re ready to start uhh, honing your craft so to speak.

    However, according to Danielle Page of ca.askmen.com, she advised that it might not be okay to get ahead of ourselves here. Because, according to her, losing your virginity is a pretty big deal, we want to make sure you’re going in there as prepared as humanly possible.

    That’s the great thing about cashing in your V-card in the digital age – you’ve got a world of information at your fingertips to make sure that you nail it. Ready to delve into the dos and don’ts? From what it’ll feel like on your first entry to when to do it, what to bring and what happens after it’s all over and done, here’s everything you need to know about losing your virginity.

    Here’s a fun fact about virginity that you probably didn’t know: It’s not real. “It’s most important to understand that virginity is a social construct and nothing more,” Anne Hodder, certified sex educator explains.

    “There is no medical or scientific definition of virginity. Some cultures believe that ‘virginity’ means penis-in-vagina sex, which causes some people to believe that other kinds of sex simply don’t count. But that’s not the case for everyone — we get to define what we consider ‘sex’ to be and treat our sexual desire and sex lives accordingly.” Because really, if you’ve given a woman an orgasm using just your mouth or hands, it should count for something, right?

    The fact that the term “virginity” is up for interpretation has definitely caused some confusion over the years – especially where oral sex is concerned. It has also managed to work its way into a few iconic films (if you’re a male virgin who has never seen the movie American Pie, there’s no time like the present.) But as far as the majority of society defines it, in order to for a man to lose his virginity as a heterosexual guy, he would need to penetrate a vagina with his dick.

    Before we start taking a look at v-card statistics around the world, let’s get one thing straight:

    the best age to lose your virginity is whatever age you feel ready – whether that’s 13, 14, 15, 22, 25 or beyond. “What matters is that you’re choosing to do it because you want it, not because you feel you ‘should’,” Hodder says.

    “And of course, you must have enthusiastic affirmative consent from our partner to assure you’re both on the same page.”

    But if you’re still curious about how old the rest of the folks around the globe are when they first do the deed, here’s an overview.

    “In the U.S., the average age for a man to lose his virginity varies from 17.1 to 18 depending on which study one goes by,” says self-development educator Tony Naemi.

    “This age makes sense, as the age of consent is 18 in most states. The U.S. ranked 24th out of 44 countries that were surveyed about this topic, with Malaysian men having sex on average later in life at an average age of 23 and Iceland being the youngest at an average age of 15.6.”

    If that number surprises you, you’re not alone. “Often, we believe that people around us are having a lot more sex than they actually are,” says Hodder, “and sometimes these social pressures can influence our decisions. Sex is tough to navigate – especially if you haven’t had much sexual experience – but there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Having sex for the first time certainly, differs from country to country mostly as a result of cultural or religious value systems more so than simple geography.”

    As far as what your first time will be like, it can really run the gamut. “It depends on a variety of factors,” says Naemi, “such as nerves, who your partner is, your familiarity with each other, your sexual desire, her sexual experience and desire, and where you’re having sex at – her house, your house, a friend’s apartment, club house, road side, etc..”

    Even though women typically experience more pain than men when losing their virginity, Naemi says it can happen to guys as well. “There might be some soreness depending on the tightness of your partner, the length of sex, and having worn a condom,” he says. However, with a few preventative measures (which we’ll get to), you’ll be able to avoid most of the factors that would potentially cause pain.

    What will your body feel like afterward? Likely, pretty awesome, since there are plenty of post-coitus endorphins that going to be running through your body. But as far as physical changes go, your penis will be the same as it was before you had sex. But according to Hodder, you’ll probably stand a little taller, psychologically speaking. “Some men might feel a sense of ‘matureness’ after having sex for the first time,” she says, “because sex is so often associated with being a ‘man.’ That, of course, is simply a social construct and the amount of sex someone is having has no effect on one’s gender identity.”

    Before we get to the action, there are a few questions you should ask yourself beforehand to know if you’re ready. A few Hodder recommends kicking things off with: “Why am I doing this? Am I trying to prove something to myself or someone else?”

    “It might also help to ask yourself how you feel about the person you might be having sex with for the first time and if your intentions for the experience are coming from a genuine place,” says Hodder, “not influenced by any social pressures we might be feeling.”

    Also, because this experience is going to stick with you for the rest of your days, Naemi suggests taking a hard look at who you’re deciding to do it with. “Ask yourself: Is this the person I want to remember for the rest of my life as having given my virginity to?’ If the answer is no, then don’t have sex with that person – Naemi.

    Even if you’ve already been through “Health 101” in high school, Hodder also says to make sure you’re protecting yourself against sexually transmitted infections, aka STIs — especially if your partner isn’t a virgin. “Risk management is essential when you choose to have sex,” says Hodder.

    “It takes only one act of sex to transmit an STI or, if you’re having penis-in-vagina sex, to cause an unintended pregnancy, so it’s important for both partners to know their status (get tested!) and use a barrier method to reduce the risk. Fortunately, condoms are super easy to get; you can buy them almost anywhere, and if you’re hard up for cash, health care offices like Planned Parenthood often provide condoms free of charge with no questions asked.”

    Also, make sure you know how to put a condom on the right way before you have sex for the first time. “Anticipating putting on a condom in the heat of the moment can build a load of anxiety that can get in the way and risk mistakes being made,” Hodder says.

    “I suggest men and women go through the steps of opening and putting on various barrier methods in the comfort of their rooms or homes and get the kinks out ahead of time so that, when the time ultimately comes, using these safer sex methods can feel like old hat.” A little lube can go a long way in helping this process (and keeping your penis pain free afterward). Put a drop in the condom before you slip it on, and if things start to get dry while you’re doing the deed, don’t be shy about using more to help keep things moving smoothly.

    How well your first time goes really depends on whether or not you and your partner are on the same page as far as your expectations — so make sure you have a conversation about it beforehand (and preferably not right before you’re about to do it, when nerves are high). “Talk with your partner way ahead of time, before any clothes are even close to coming off, to see if you’re both on the same page about what you want, what you like (and what you don’t), and how you’re feeling about it – Hodder.

    “Often, the fear or anxiety about having sex for the first time can make the whole experience feel a lot more nerve-wracking that it needs to be. It can help you feel even more connected with your partner to share how you’re feeling – because chances are, you’re both feeling something similar, and sharing about it can help build an even stronger intimate connection.”

    In terms of the positioning of the actual act, you need to be able to walk before you can run. Instead of trying to finagle both your bodies into difficult positions, sexologist Dr. Megan Stubbs recommends starting with the basics. “The missionary position is a classic for a reason,” she says.

    “In this position, the guy is able to control the depth and the thrusting, finding a pace and speed that works for them. If he has a partner who is willing to be on top, this can be a more passive position and allow them to let someone else take control.”  

    According to a study done by the Kinsey Institute, the difference between the average age that men and women lose their virginity in the U.S. isn’t that far off — 17.4 for females, and 16.9 for males.

    As with male virginity, what technically constitutes the loss of a woman’s virginity has often been misconstrued — from using tampons to dildos and even getting fingered. “The simple act of putting something in our vagina does not equal sex,” says Hodder.

    “Using a tampon is a necessary part of many menstruating people’s lives and has nothing to do with sexual pleasure and everything to do with managing menstrual flow. Self-stimulating with a dildo (or any other object) while masturbating is a common and healthy way to learn about our own sexual desires and is absolutely not the same experience as engaging in sexual intercourse with another person.”

    Even though men and women tend to lose it around the same age, changes in the female body after having sex for the first time are very different, and can sometimes (but not always) include bleeding…Some women may experience spotting, most often the result of friction from lack of lubrication – Hodder.

    You may have heard the term “popping her cherry” thrown around in reference to a woman’s first time, which refers to a woman’s hymen. “Most hymens cover only a portion of the vagina, almost forming a ring around its opening, which allows passage of tampons, penises, sex toys or other objects,” Hodder explains.

    “Tearing, ripping or other scary verbs do not usually happen to the hymen during first time P in the V sex. Hymens can stretch to accommodate whatever’s being inserted, and many women’s hymens actually stay intact long-term, regardless of how much sex they have. And while it’s still possible to tear them, many hymens actually heal, and tears often happen naturally during everyday life.”

    The first time my penis penetrated a vagina, it felt unlike anything I had ever felt before in my entire life—to an incomparable degree – Ray, 29. Nothing else felt even remotely similar (and I say this having previously had my dick inside a freshly baked pie, the hose of a vacuum cleaner and several women’s mouths). I can’t verbally describe exactly what it felt like.

    “I’d say warm and wet, but that doesn’t even come close to doing it justice. It felt amazing in a unique way that I immediately knew I could never properly replicate in any artificial way. And I suppose that’s the way it should be. The feeling of my penis inside of a woman was, is, and always will be the pinnacle of physical stimulation for me.”

    “I dated a girl all through high school who was one of those, ‘I’m religious so we can’t have actual sex, but we can do everything else under the sun’ girls,” says Murray, 26.

    “We broke up like a week before college. My first week there I became freshman class president and had to make some stupid little speech at the University. When it was over some senior girl who was watching came up to me and asked me what I was doing that afternoon. I said ‘nothing,’ and she said, ‘Okay come hangout in my room with me.’ My naive ass had no idea. We get to her room and I’m just sitting on her bed with her watching TV.

    She gets up and walks into her bathroom and comes out completely naked. Gets on top of me and says, ‘What do you want to do?’ I then proceeded to make some joke about playing hockey. She then pretty much ripped my clothes off and held me down until she got off, thanked me, and then literally never talked to me again. It was awkward because she pretty much used me like a dildo. It went on for about 10 minutes and I didn’t even finish.”

  • How to handle sudden change in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I really love your counsel on life and relationships issues.

     I am a hard-working young man trying to make a living and plan for a better future. I am in a relationship of one year old at the moment. My partner and I have been living together peacefully until we were faced with financial challenges which caused us to move to a place closer to her relatives.

    I discovered that living not too far from her family members has brought more harm than good to our relationship. She has changed a lot towards me to the extent that when I was critically ill, she showed no concern at all.

    I have left our new place to stay with my friends who are very supportive.

     Please, Harriet, what steps should I take at this point in time.

     Thanks.

     Joseph Laboard,

    Delta State.

     

    Thanks for sharing your problem with us. Sudden change of attitude from a loved one can be devastating physically and emotionally. Therefore, seeking counsel on how to deal with the situation is high commendable.

    However, in your case, it would have been proper, if she could state her own version of the situation for us to have a clearer picture. Since you are the one  needing advice on what to do, it will be treated as such.

    Before giving some useful tips on how to deal with your present situation, it will be proper for us to try and trace the cause of her action.  People react to situation differently, so a change of attitude simple shows that there is a problem somehow that needs to be addressed.

    So the question is what could be the cause. First step is to try and find out, if there was an unresolved issue unknown to you that could have led to her sudden change of attitude or is it that she has been pressurized or influenced by her family about the relationship.

    Were the signs always there and you failed to pay attention to them until now. For her not to show concern towards your health when you were sick speaks volume. Could it be that she is no longer interested in the relationship any more for reasons best known to her.

    Sometimes in a relationship, you might think your partner or spouse is happy with the happenings or is on the same page as you, while in the real sense, it may not be the case.

    Now, here are some helpful tips to assist you on how to deal with the situation. Issues are not solved by assumption. Therefore, you need to confront the situation in a friendly manner. What to do?

    You might have to take her out for a meal away from the house to a more relaxed and neutral ground in order to discuss the issue in detail and how it is affecting you and the relationship.

    Effective interaction is very important in a relationship because through communication, whether verbal or non-verbal, you can convey your thoughts, feelings and it will also help you understand your partner. Note, you can only know what is going on with your partner or spouse by talking, not by assumption.

    In respective of the category you belong in terms of confronting issues, you will have to talk about it.  It will interest you to know that to some people discussing matters of the heart don’t come easy, while for others, talking about feelings and emotions might not be pleasant and comfortable.

    In  dealing with sudden change of attitude,  it is very important to talk with the person involved directly. The reason is that it will provide you with a better information in understanding the reason behind her orhis action.

    Bear in mind that you are no mind reader so the only way for you to know the intension of a person is actually by talking with the person. However, if you have difficulty communicating, then seek a professional counselling together before you take further action.

    It is easier sometimes to talk to a stranger than to relatives or friends. During talking therapy, the trained counsellor will listen to you, and help you find your own answers to problems without judging you. The counsellor will give you time to talk, cry, shout, or think.

    It is an opportunity to look at your problems in a different perspective with someone who will respect and encourage your opinions and the decision you make. This would help you to gain some clarity and give you an idea of where the relationship is at, where it is going and if possible changes that have to be made.

    Moreover, understand that you can only work on changing yourself to be able to accommodate your partner or spouse’s strength and weaknesses, not you partner or spouse as the case may be. However, if she refuses to go with you, then she wouldn’t benefit from therapy.

    A person needs first to admit that there’s something wrong and be willing to work on it, for therapy to stand a chance.   Next is self-evaluation. On your part, it is necessary you check yourself because sometimes we just don’t realize how our words or actions are perceived.

    Note, often times, the people around us, including our loved ones, won’t even tell us. In some cases, they don’t know how to articulate it, and other times, they give us passiveaggressive or silent treatment just to make us uncomfortable and to punish us for being insensitive.

    Furthermore, acceptance in matters that affect the heart is vital. Whatever explanation she gives should be accepted. It might not be what you want to hear. If she tells you in the process of conversation or you trying to make things work that she doesn’t feel the same way, listen, respect her decision and move on.

    It might not be easy. You will be emotionally traumatise, but you will definitely find healing with time. It is better for you to have a broken heart that can be taken care of with time than for you to have a broken marriage in future in case you decide to marry her.

    It takes two people who are in love to have a successful relationship defeating every odd together.

    Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • Dealing with social status in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I am a great fan of yours. I thank you for your counsel on life issues which I find very educative.

    I am in a relationship with a lady I love dearly who feels the same as well. She is humble and nice. I intend proposing to her soon because I see her as somebody I will like to spend the rest of my life with.

    My challenge is that I recently discovered that she is from a wealthy family, while I am a hard-working young man with great potential because I know where I am striving to be in future.

    My fear is that this might be an obstacle. I am confused. Please, I need your advice.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    The early stage of a new relationship can be mind-blowing with all the excitement that might seem forever, but as the relationship progresses, the reality of life then comes to play, which is the explanation of what you are experiencing at this stage based on the fact that you are starting to have more affection for the lady as a result you are expecting more from dating.

    Your feeling is what most people in your situation experience and there is always the fear of acceptance, especially from your partner’s family. Every family as we know has its expectations when it comes to the issue of marriage.

    Where some see certain aspects as must have or belong, others might not use such as criteria.  The bottom line is that there are no same family approaches  in such matters, different strokes for different folks, so what one family might regard as a hindrance can be less important to another family.

    We must commend you for sharing and seeking counsel on how to approach the situation. Moving on, nursing the feelings without speaking out can be devastating. Suppose her family is different from all what you think, keeping silence or getting yourself work up can only aggravate your fears and worries.

    Such thoughts running through your mind constantly, if not tackled, will start affecting other aspects of your relationship.  Create room for an open conversation. In order to have a clear picture of what you want to go into, it will be a good step to have an open discussion with your partner.

    Bring to table everything about you and what you do currently and what you intend achieving in time to come. You might not be where you want to be at the moment, but this is where you are working hard to be by the special grace of God.

    You must be sincere with her. Once you are able to establish this fact, who knows it might just be the right information she needs to confront her family in case your status becomes an issue in time to come.

    On your part, it will make you feel better because you have actually made your identity cleared.  Starting with yourself in all honesty will now give room for her to be open with you in order to put your fears to rest.

    Next is to ask her about her family background and how they will feel about their daughter in a relationship with a hard-working young man of a different social status.

    Tell her your fears, worries and how they are affecting you.  Express your feelings to her. Don’t hold back anything. Most times, people see this aspect of expression of feelings during conversation as a form of weakness, forgetting that effective communication in a relationship is the key for a successful one, and once it is established properly from the onset, half of the problems that might crop up are solved.

    Speaking out freely with your partner about everything takes away assumptions, hurts, fears and worries. It helps them to understand each other’s likes and dislikes.  It is observed that effective communication in a relationship promotes closeness.

    Allow her to respond to all your questions. While that is going on, listen attentively and watch her body language as well because some answers can be traced by attitude.

    On the other hand, to save yourself from the unexpected, learn to keep an open mind in case the situation does not go your way. One thing for sure is this: what is yours can never be taken away from you, no matter the circumstances.

    It might be difficult at the beginning no doubt, but if it is truly yours, all things will work for good. If the reverse is the case, well take heart and see it as life lesson to make you a better person. Never give up on yourself, but learn and improve yourself by making sure that you work harder to be who you want to be.

    Note that the blessings of God rest on those who have faith and action. That it did not work out with her does not mean that you will not find your dream wife when the time comes.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • 4 Reasons why you should choose your friends wisely

    4 Reasons why you should choose your friends wisely

    Only this morning, I was chatting with a close relative and she mentioned in passing how a lady snatched her friend’s husband. Such stories have become commonplace, but the truth is that for a friend to do such a thing, it is quite likely that she had shown the traits, no matter how faintly, but the betrayed friend failed to take heed. She might have done it to other people, or been notorious for being promiscuous. A women’s reputation is of utmost importance, and the friends one keeps can make or mar one’s reputation. Why is it important to be selective in choosing your friends?

    1. You will be judged by the type of friends you keep. Have you noticed that our friends are people like ourselves? Why do bankers have many banker friends? Or musicians have many friends in the entertainment industry and such? A popular saying goes, “Show me your friend and I will tell you who you are.” This old saying is still apt today for the simple fact that most people make value judgments about a person’s character based on the friends they keep. If you are fun loving, party/club loving individual, you will most likely have many friends who share such a life style. And if a single girl keeps friends who are into “runs”, it is assumed that she is a “runs babe” whether or not she actually does so. This might be the reason many married men do not let their wives keep single, or divorced women as friends, fearing that they might be corrupted by such friends.

     

    1. If you want a friend, be a friend. Many people complain that they do not have friends, or that they have no sincere friends. However, the good book says “He who seeks a friend must first be a friend.” Be a (good) friend; loyal, true, sincere, kind, loving, honest, not a betrayer, or backstabber. These qualities will attract people of like minds to you, and give you the skills to manage/maintain the relationship. Bear in mind the fact that habits can be learnt, unlearnt, and relearned. As such, the absence of desired positive habits is no excuse to continue to live without them, as good habits can be learnt, and bad habits done away with. However, if you choose to do the opposite, rest assured, you might never enjoy the beauty of true friendship.

     

    1. Your friends determine where you are going. Your friends can make you or break you, as peer pressure has been identified as a strong influence in human life, and experience, as many can testify. Many homes have been broken, if not destroyed by the evil counsel of friends, as the popular saying goes, “Friends of a feather flock together”. However, keeping good company will give you a strong frame work for success, why? Because good friends provide positive counsel that will help you succeed. Everyone knows that a student who keeps studious friends is more likely to succeed than one who keeps unserious ones, for the simple reason that iron sharpens iron.

     

    1. To attract the right kind of friends, be a person of value. Oftentimes, people waste their time running after people, in the hope of making them their friends, only to be rebuffed. They fail to realize that you can only offer a person your friendship, the choice to accept or decline your gesture is theirs. However, making yourself a person of value will make you a person people want to be friends with. How? Have you noticed that popular, successful people do not lack for friends? You do not need to be rich, but you must occupy yourself with something you enjoy doing, puts food on your table, meets your basic needs at the least, and takes you off the street. No serious minded person wants to be friends with a person who does nothing but visit friends all day, go looking for charity, gist, or socialize all day.

     

     

  • Four qualities of a Player

    Four qualities of a Player

    A couple of years ago, Trisha met Donald in on her way to work, and they exchanged numbers, at first Donald would call Trisha and they would chat, later on he would pick her up from her  office after work and drop her off at home. He claimed that he lived at Epe, but always dropped her at her Surulere apartment every evening, before retiring to his sister’s apartment at Ojuelegba. And never introduced Trisha to his sister. When he started asking her to loan him money, she stopped taking his calls, and asked her staff not to allow him into her office. Years later, they ran into each other, and he admitted that he had been in a relationship with the woman he was living with at the time he met her, but claimed that the relationship was over. Trisha was lucky enough to have avoided a player, and is now happily married to a wonderful husband- a real man. So how do you recognize a player? Enjoy;

    1. Lies a lot – A player’s stories never add up. As I have mentioned times without number, when dealing with a man, never listen to what he says, rather look at his actions, actions don’t lie. So you are dating a guy who says one thing and does something else, please watch out, he might have something under his sleeves. If he says he will call, and never does, claiming to be too busy, or says he is in one place and you discover that he is elsewhere, the list goes on.
    2. Won’t invite you to his house or office– The most natural thing to do when you are getting to know someone is to be invited to their homes or/and office. When a regular date becomes a serious relationship, and you still don’t know his office or house, it might be that he has something to hide. Like Donald, who was living with a woman whom he claimed was his sister, and never introduced to Trisha, how many ladies are wise enough to smell a rat? If he won’t show you his house, friends, or relatives; there is a reason. Please investigate.
    3. Attempts to turn you to his ATM with his hard luck stories – I can’t count the number of times I have come across the hard luck stories of ladies who gave their love and money to guys, and the guys took off. It never seems to end well, even when the men marry them, the likelihood of them becoming the breadwinners to the women who fended for them in the past remains low. Only this week, a relative of mine was beaten black and blue by her husband; a rich man she married when he had no job. She was actually feeding and clothing the guy. Unbelievably, today, she is responsible for feeding, school fees, and welfare of their four kids, even though he is now very rich, and owns Petrol stations today, can you believe that? Oh, and he also acquired a new wife.
    4. Almost always wants to rush you to have sex with him – The decision to have sex with a man you are not married to is a personal decision for the female to make. The player is always in a hurry to get you in his bed, promising you the world for it. Only, afterwards you might find that he is making the same promises to any number of ladies out there. My take on the issue of pre-marital sex? Never give in just because you want to please him. If you want to become the village mattress, it is okay if that is what you want, but remember, the risk is that you might just be another one of the babes he uses and dumps. I like the way the Americans put it, “If he likes it, he should put a ring on it.” Enough said.

  • How to sustain healthy sexual intimacy in marriage

    DEAR Harriet,  I love my husband very much, but my challenge is that I am really not getting enough sexual satisfaction. He comes so quickly. It is beginning to affect me, and I don’t know how to address the issue.  Help me.

    Name withheld,

    Lagos.

     

    Sexual intimacy and satisfaction are issues not discussed openly in marriage due to certain reasons, but they are very important in keeping a healthy relationship.

    Thanks for sharing your situation with us. Interestingly, sex is one major aspect that should be talked about freely. However, some people don’t see it proper to verbalize their sexual needs to their spouse for fear of hurting the other party, fear of what might be the response or the fear of their spouse not been able to fulfil these needs.

    Some marriages today are suffering because of this unknown fundamental problem that is not addressed. Before detailed explanation is given, allow me to say that this topic is only for adults because quite a good number of youths read my page.

    Sex in marriage is a beautiful thing to be cherished and enjoyed by couples. It is not for children, so for my young readers, concentrate on your vision in life and don’t lose focus of who you are and what you want to achieve. Suspend every form of distraction, bearing in mind that there is time for everything.

    Therefore, at the right time with the right person, you will surely get to the stage of such intimacy. Moving on, let us understand the role of sex in marriage and relationship. In marriage, a woman should understand that she is entitled to educate her husband on her personal sexual needs.

    Every couple enjoys something differently about sex. Most times, couples assume that their spouses should know what they like. Well, to a certain extent, yes, but not all the times. Sex, therefore, is for bonding and procreation. In relationship, for example, sex is advised to be put on hold in order to have a clearer understanding and better sense of reasoning instead of allowing you to be ruled by pleasure or emotion.

    While sex in marriage is the icing on the cake, truth is told, a satisfying sex life keeps couples happier, closer and intimate. Marriage, as we know, is the only legal platform that gives you the full go-ahead sexually with your spouse.

    In a situation like the above case, whereby the woman feels she is not getting enough satisfaction from her husband sexually is a problem that must be tackled immediately in order not to give room to other problems.

    Some people might ask what is the big idea about sex when as couples, they have other pressing issues to deal with. Well, if that’s their view, they are actually entitled to their opinion any way.

    However, it will be nice for us to list out some of the causes for such situation which are: lack of sexual maturity. If you are his first, he might find it difficult to control his excitement, as such, his rate of keeping up cannot be as long as you might wish, but with time, he will grow to know what to do.

    Low sex drive: Just as we are of different personalities, so also is our sex drive. Some people have slow sex drive, while their spouses might have a very high sex drive. They crave for more sex than a person with a low sex drive.

    Another reason for such might be regarded as a self-centered attitude. When a spouse is solely concerned about his own satisfaction, not putting the other person’s feeling into consideration intentionally or not. Next might be a medical issue that needs to be addressed as soon as possible.

    Another factor is age. The level of sexual urge reduces with age. If you are married to a younger woman with a high sex drive, you will notice that her demand will be high, while an older woman might not be so demanding, especially those in their menopause, likewise men.

    An old man is not as sexually driven compared to when he was in his youthful age. Trust me, age has a way of slowing things down. Stress is another aspect that might affect sexual performance in marriage.

    The mindset must be right and free of worries for a person to flow freely during sex, although some people feel at that point when they are stressed out. It is when they need sex to ease their mind. Others, while stress might be doing it just to fulfil all righteousness.

    In addition is  lack of creativity in bed. When sex is same pattern and style all the time, your spouse might find it a bit boring and uninteresting. The way forward now that we have listed what might be the cause is to find a conducive time in a relaxed atmosphere to discuss the issue with your spouse.

    Communication of sexual needs is a healthy part of an intimate relationship between husband and wife. Which does not imply inadequacy, although your spouse might view it in such form, if you reassure him that you also want to know how he can also be satisfied in the process.

    Through this approach, he may feel comfortable, free and less inadequate in addressing the matter. This is because some men feel that sexual intimacy techniques are something that they should know instinctually, so to such men any discussion simply means that their spouse is being too demanding or critical.

    In approaching the issue first and foremost, find out if there is any problem at work affecting him or her. Allow him/her to respond and listen attentively to his explanation.

    Next step is to acknowledge and re-examine your sex life and ask him what he feels about it. Based on his reply, calmly explain to him how you feel and what you will like improvement on. For some people, it is not an easy task to talk about sex with their spouse as aforementioned because to them it is a” no” go area for fear of  sending the wrong message.

    You should be able to discuss everything, including their sexual intimacy. Bring back the spark in your love life by discussing freely each other’s interest. Suggest creativity and analyse issues together as couple. Being spontaneous in your actions will help.  Admire each other’s nakedness.

    More so, always set the mood right from the start of the day. For example, you cannot be nasty to your spouse, either by verbal or physical abusing him/her and expecting to have a great sex at night.

    It simply does not work like that.  If for any reason, it happens to be on medical grounds, then try to encourage your spouse to seek the help of a doctor. A counsellor might also be of help, if you find it difficult to handle the situation together.

    In addition, here are some tips on what to avoid in the process: don’t cheat on your spouse to fulfil your needs. This is a very bad and deceptive approach which will destroy your marriage. Don’t quarrel over the issue.

    Avoid making your spouse feel inferior. Explain to him your needs, not his weaknesses. Avoid comparison and don’t start keeping malice with him. He may not know your needs, if you don’t tell him.

    Finally, when you love someone, you have to love everything about him. Not just the good ones, but also the things you don’t find lovable. So, seeking solutions to your sex life with your spouse together for the good of your marriage is a step in the right direction. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • 3 Reasons you should not fund him.

    Today we will be discussing a very contentious topic, “To fund or not fund”. It might seem like a tricky question but it is never a good idea to buy love, especially if you are a woman. Why on earth should a woman give a man (who is not even her husband) her money? Not a good idea at all! Back in the day, men took care of their wives and families, and ruled their households like mini fiefdoms. Times have changed, and women now make their own money, but men still expect us to submit, so what do we do? We submit, if only for the sake of peace. However, if a woman has to foot the bill, she has become the boss, not just a helpmate. So why do I think so?

     

    The man was designed to be the head in every marital/amorous relationship, and if he is the leader, he should foot the bills (or at least a large part of it). Why? Because money is power, whoever has it controls the power dynamics of the relationship. In all my years, I am yet to come across a man who is happy to be fed or funded by a woman, they might date (or even marry) a woman for her money, but trust me more often than not they will find a less financially buoyant woman to spend their change on, so as to feel like men.

     

    Giving a man your money puts you at risk of attracting gold diggers/gigolos. Only yesterday, I read the story of a divorced silver spoon celebrity chick. She said, “I really loved him, but when I had a financial challenge, he took off. Apparently, that was all he wanted.” Guess what, the guy in question is remarried to a younger woman today. Speaking further, she said, “I have never dated a man for money, however in another relationship; a man took my hard earned money, and ran.” Guess what? Her story is nothing new, I am yet to see an instance where the woman funded the relationship and it worked out. The only female relative I know who tried it put a man through university, clothed, housed and fed him, his mom, and siblings for years, while he was unemployed. When he finally got a job, she never set eyes again on him; after three kids.

     

    You can never really tell if it is you he loves or your money. Modern females are educated and independent, but marriage demands that we submit to our man. How does a person submit to a man one is feeding? More often than not, such women become / are accused of being shrewish, and the men feel justified in taking off. What about an old friend of mine who dated a guy while she was putting herself through the university. She would feed him, and spend her heard earned savings on him, guess the first thing he did after he graduated? That’s right, he dumped her. Obviously he never loved her, only her money. My advice? Do yourself a favour, and find yourself a man who has a job. Oh, and just in case he attempts to turn you to his ATM; dump him.

     

  • Actually, not all men are swine, 4 ways to know he’s not

    Actually, not all men are swine, 4 ways to know he’s not

    A while ago a colleague mentioned in passing that men are only useful for having kids, and not much more I beg to differ, although there are a lot of not so acceptable guys out there, there are quite a number of good ones around. It is as the Yoruba saying goes, “If you decide to close your eyes to let a bad person pass, you might not see the good person when he/she does pass by.” So rather than continuing to think that all men are tarred with the same brush, it makes sense to be armed with tools to make the right choice. Here are four tips to help you decide whether or not he is a good catch;

    He really does love you

    When I say love, I don’t mean it only in the romantic/erotic sense, but in the sense that the Latin language calls agape- unconditional, selfless love. A man who really loves you wants what is best for you; almost like the way a parent wants only the best for their kids. This kind of man will make sacrifices for you, simply because he wants what is best for you. Like Ada, whose husband allows her to pursue a career she loves, even though it took her away from home on holidays and Sundays at the start. Furthermore he supported her with tools and advice, even though the pay wasn’t all that great. At the end of the day her career took off, and she attributes her success to the support of a wonderful man.

    He is interested in your happiness

    A loving man wants his woman to be happy, even if it might cost him some discomfort, such a man does this simply wants you to be happy. Someone once told a another lady, let us call her Yemisi, “you will never be happy being only a housewife, your talents and gifts are such that you would never feel fulfilled until you pursue your dreams.” Fortunately, she was married to a man who recognized her gifts and allowed her to somehow juggle her marriage, home, and career. Fortunately for her, her man recognized that as well and gave her the opportunity to use her god given gifts and talents. Even though he had a successful and demanding career of his own, he gave her all the support she needed. This rare man often helped with the shopping, and the kids, made dinner for the family when he returned from work, as she often got him later than he did. She credits him for being ‘a real rock’.

    He treats you nicely

    Women are moved by what they hear, while men are moved by what they see. A woman’s self-image can be made or marred by the way her man views, and treats her. If he treats her well, she will most likely have a positive self-image, if not, she will have a negative one. It’s the reason why women in abusive relationships have a poor self-image. They feel unhappy and unloved.  A man who disrespects you with his speech and attitude is an accident waiting to happen. Do yourself a favour and end the relationship for your own.

    He makes you better

    No human being has the power to change another, but finding a good man is like wind to a kite. Just as the kite will definitely fly, the woman will. A good man will pick you up when you are down, push you when you are discouraged, and celebrate with you when you succeed. He never feels threatened by your success, in fact, when you succeed, it’s his success as well because he backed you all the way. Such guys help you write or rewrite your resume, help you find a job,and encourage you to write that exam or certification. When you a look at your life, it’s easy to say that your life is better because he is in it, whether or not he footed the bills.

     

  • So what exactly is love?

    So what exactly is love?

     

    Its St Valentine’s Day today, a day set aside to celebrate love and lovers the entire world over, but as we celebrate, what exactly is this thing called love? Is it sex, giving of gifts, feeling butterflies or what? Unlike the English language which has only one definition for love, Latin which has five words, and explains the different types of love.  We’ll take a look at some things that love is not, and end with the essence of love.

    Is it sex? Not at all. In a strongly sensual age, sex has become commonplace, and many confuse sex with love.  It is possible to have one without the other, but the greatest lover is one who chooses to love without consummating the relationship, especially if they are not married. Waiting until the right time to do that is the best way to say I love you. However in a committed relationship like marriage, sex is the most beautiful gift given by the creator to mankind. It has the power to cement two hearts together, even as it can destroy a couple who choose to profane this wonderful gift.

    Can it be bought with gifts? True love can never be for sale, even though a lover will always give something. So as you give flowers, cards, chocolates, and all during this valentine remember that giving gifts should never be the foundation of a relationship. Never be with someone simply because of what you can get from that person, but for what you can give to them, and add to their lives. You see humans are meant to be loved, not used.

    Love is a caring about that special someone in your life so much that you think always of them, and do what is best for them. As Beverly Haye once put it, “The most difficult person in the world to love is a selfish person, who thinks only and always of himself, and no one else.” Conversely, it means that the easiest person in the world is a selfless love is a selfless person. A person in love is selfless, thinking more of the beloved that himself. The way a mother thinks nothing of going hungry just so her kids can eat and get an education. Michael Bolton captured this desire inherent in the female folk for love in his remake of the song “When a man loves a woman.”