The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Coping with loss of a loved ones

    HELLO Harriet, I sent you a mail at a time last year which you promised to publish, so that others in similar conditions might learn from your wise counsel. The mail in question was about losing a life partner that was my wife, and since then, I have lost interest in women. Should I start another relationship? Please, help me. Thanks.

    Name withheld, Uyo

     

    Kindly accept our sympathy about the death of your wife; we must commend you for sharing your story so that people who are in the same situation will know how to deal with the challenges of losing a loved one.

    The death of a loved one is very painful and devastating, a lot of difficult emotions come to play. These are normal reactions to a significant loss. Dealing effectively and positively with grief caused by such a loss is based on your recovery process and your ability to continue with, fulfil your own life for the better.  However, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. There are healthy ways to cope with the pain that, in time can renew you and allow you to move on.

    Grief is a natural response to loss, it is basically the emotional suffering you experience when someone close to you dies which is more than your feelings; it will show up in the way you reason. You may be in denial that the person is no more, you might be in a confused state of mind, your thinking muddled. Unable to concentrate on anything might pose as a challenge because all attention is on the beloved that is no more, how he or she died and the life that was shared before the loss.   The more significant the loss, the more intense the grief will be. People grieve differently, and this is simply because our personalities and the way we manage issues differs, for example, some people might mourn their loved one for months, while others take  years.

    The grieving process takes time, while healing is a gradual process. It cannot be forced or hurried, it must take its natural course.  Therefore, whatever emotion you are experiencing, try to understand that it is only natural. So, express yourself the way you feel, provided you don’t harm yourself. If you feel like crying, please do, because crying is a therapy on its own. So don’t hold back. Before we proceed on ways to deal with the loss of a loved one, it will be nice to explain the stages of grief that are common with most people.

    Denial is the first form of emotion that hits the person, refusing to the fact of the loss, with some expectation that the person might just walk in. Slowly the person moves into anger, the feeling of why me, then the blaming attitude. May be if I have done this or that she or he would have lived, or if only I have treated him or her better, and so on.

    Depression, the feeling of sadness and shutting down on the world is also another stage of grief. The bargaining feeling for some people is not left out; a way of trying to strike a deal that will reduce the pain of the grief.

    The stage of acceptance is another that must be mentioned in this aspect, it is the point when the person works through the feelings and conflicts that have arisen and he or she is ready to accept the fact of death. The general effect can be physical and emotional, so the way forward is to take certain steps that might help the healing process; talking about your feelings is a good way to start, you can talk to your support group which can be you family members who are there for you or good friends who are ready to listen to you or a trained counsellor whose job is listen and guide you through the necessary healing process in confidence. Talking will make you feel better as time goes on. Next is to get busy once you are strong enough to handle the death, trust me, the pain of losing a loved one cannot disappear overnight from time to time you will remember the person. There will be flashbacks, but you must learn to occupy yourself. Most importantly, turn to God for solace because he is the only one that can give you inner peace and he knows the reason why he allows it to happen. If you are questioning your faith in the wake of the loss, talk to a clergy member or others in your religious community.  Start reading inspirational books or journals. They will help your healing process. Change of environment might also help some people during the process of recovery in order to move on.  Take up activity of your choice, something you enjoy doing could be sport for example. If there are children involved, you must try to be there for them and the only way you can achieve that is by staying healthy because they look up to you for strength. The aspect of not finding interest in women for now is expected for some people because of what happened to them and their present state of mind which is natural, but with time everything will be fine.  Now, going into a relationship at this time might cut across in two ways; first, if you have not gone through the grieving process, you might not really be going into a relationship for the right reason. Secondly, the issue of comparison will be a great challenge, if not handle properly. Relationship will come. You will find happiness and joy again, if you give yourself time. So, learn to take every day as it comes, trusting God to give you a person that will understand where you have been and where you are going.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Four qualities of a player

    Four qualities of a player

    A COUPLE of years ago, Trisha met Donald in on her way to work, and they exchanged numbers, at first Donald would call Trisha and they would chat, later on he would pick her up from her  office after work and drop her off at home. He claimed that he lived at Epe, but always dropped her at her Surulere apartment every evening, before retiring to his sister’s apartment at Ojuelegba. And never introduced Trisha to his sister. When he started asking her to loan him money, she stopped taking his calls, and asked her staff not to allow him into her office. Years later, they ran into each other, and he admitted that he had been in a relationship with the woman he was living with at the time he met her, but claimed that the relationship was over. Trisha was lucky enough to have avoided a player, and is now happily married to a wonderful husband- a real man. So how do you recognize a player? Enjoy;

    1. Lies a lot.

    A player’s stories never add up. As I have mentioned times without number, when dealing with a man, never listen to what he says, rather look at his actions, actions don’t lie. So you are dating a guy who says one thing and does something else, please watch out, he might have something under his sleeves. If he says he will call, and never does, claiming to be too busy, or says he is in one place and you discover that he is elsewhere, the list goes on.

    1. Won’t invite you to his house or office.

    The most natural thing to do when you are getting to know someone is to be invited to their homes or/and office. When a regular date becomes a serious relationship, and you astill don’t know his office or house, it might be that he has something to hide. Like Donald, who was living with a woman whom he claimed was his sister, and never introduced to Trisha, how many ladies are wise enough to smell a rat? If he won’t show you his house, friends, or relatives; there is a reason. Please investigate.

    1. Attempts to turn you to his ATM with his hard luck stories.

    I can’t count the number of times I have come across the hard luck stories of ladies who gave their love and money to guys, and the guys took off. It never seems to end well, even when the men marry them, the likelihood of them becoming the breadwinners to the women who fended for them in the past remains low. Only this week, a relative of mine was beaten black and blue by her husband; a rich man she married when he had no job. She was actually feeding and clothing the guy. Unbelievably, today, she is responsible for feeding, school fees, and welfare of their four kids, even though he is now very rich, and owns Petrol stations today, can you believe that? Oh, and he also acquired a new wife.

    1. Almost always wants to rush you to have sex with him.

    The decision to have sex with a man you are not married to is a personal decision for the female to make. The player is always in a hurry to get you in his bed, promising you the world for it. Only, afterwards you might find that he is making the same promises to any number of ladies out there. My take on the issue of pre-marital sex? Never give in just because you want to please him. If you want to become the village mattress, it is okay if that is what you want, but remember, the risk is that you might just be another one of the babes he uses and dumps. I like the way the Americans put it, “If he likes it, he should put a ring on it.” Enough said.

  • The enemy within (1)

    I WAS at the market, doing my weekly shopping when my mobile rang. It was Nina, my friend Collette’s younger sister.

    “Aunty Jane, please come quick o! There’s problem,” she said anxiously over the line.

    “What’s the matter?” I asked. I moved to a spot behind the provision sellers which was a bit quiet.

    What she said made my blood run cold.

    “Sister was beaten up by Uncle and she fell from upstairs and is unconscious. We want to take her to the hospital but there’s no car. Please come ma!”

    It was not long I arrived the market and I still had a lot of shopping to do. But I abandoned everything and quickly drove to my friend’s house at Ikeja.

    I prayed silently as I drove along that she would be alright. I wondered what the problem was with Jerry, her husband. The man kept beating her all the time with or without provocation. Infact, it was not too long before that they had had a fight which resulted in her being hospitalized for days at the hospital. Now this. Most of their quarrels had to do with her childless condition.

    They had been married for nearly eight years with no child and Jerry’s family were threatening to throw her out if she could not produce children.

    “I hope she’s ok,” I said silently as I negotiated a turn that led to her street.

    Collette was in pretty bad shape when I arrived. She was lying on a mat outside in the courtyard of their compound and was barely breathing.

    Nina was weeping and wailing and a few of the neighbours around were making efforts to get a vehicle to take to the hospital. Her husband was nowhere in sight.

    They quickly carried her to my car and we left for a hospital in the area.

    She was to remain in the hospital for weeks due to the extent of her injuries. She had a broken arm, some cracked ribs, a sprained ankle, numerous cuts and bruises. As the doctor who first attended to her on our arrival at the hospital noted, she was lucky to be alive.

    “What happened to her? Was she run over by a truck?” the doctor asked me. I had no answer to that as I had not got the full story of what transpired between Collete and her husband.

    She regained consciousness some hours later.

    She tried to speak to me on seeing me sitting by the bed but I placed a finger on her lip, telling her to rest.

    “The doctor said you should rest. Just take it easy ok? You’ll be fine. Thank God you’ve woken up,” I stated. I felt bad seeing my friend in such pitiable condition. What kind of man was that Jerry that he could treat his wife in this manner, I thought.

    It was the same thing her mother said when she arrived the hospital. She wept on seeing her daughter lying on the bed, with bandages all over her body.

    “What kind of man would do this to his own wife? You are not going back to that house! I’m not ready to lose you yet,” she declared vehemently.

    Throughout the period she was in the hospital, while family members, friends, colleagues all came visiting her, her husband never showed up one day to see her.

    Upon discharge from the hospital, I took Collette to my house. I had discussed the issue with my husband, Willy and he had given his approval.

    “She can come here. We have enough room,” he had stated then.

    “Thanks Jane, for allowing me stay here. You are a true friend,” she said the day I brought her home.

    “I smiled and said.

    “What are friends for?” How was I to know that my kind gesture would cause so much problems for me later on?

    To be continued

     

    Send comments/suggestions to 08054701481 (SMS only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com. Follow us on Twitter @Escapades007 and on Facebook. You can also log in to truelifestoriesng.blogspot.com

  • Coping with pain of break-up in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, Do women feel the pain of break-ups more than men? When my ex- husband ended our eight years of marriage, friends considered me a brave and dignified person because I chose not to lose my mind and shut down on life.  Today with God’s strength, I have moved on a better person.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    Over the past few months, I have received calls and messages from people whose partners or spouses walked out on them after long relationships or marriages. One break-up was after four years of dating, one was twelve months and another was nine weeks. One thing in common is that each of these relationships was still heartbroken. They were consumed by the moments of bitterness and the fear for the unknown.  All thought it is impossible to get over such shocking life change. Two were women and one was a man, but they expressed themselves in very similar ways. That was no surprise to me because my years as a counsellor have taught me that heartache has no gender.

    However, some people have the opinion that when a relationship ends, women suffer more emotional pain than men. Others have the view that because people are different in their ways, we do not experience pain, mentally or physically in the same way whether male or female. As a matter of fact, the difference between them is not down to their gender, but their personality type. Some will move on, telling themselves they must. While others will choose to harbor unhappy feelings for years which is regarded as self destructive. It really doesn’t help anyone (male or female) to cling to misery.

    In some cases, men don’t express a clear “I am over that” sentiment as clearly as women. It doesn’t mean that some men are not emotional. Trust me, they are. It’s just that their method of expression is totally different. Inevitably, we all make comparisons, for example comparing the pain of broken arm with that of a twisted ankle, but rating emotional pain is totally a different issue. In addition, some people also believe that women although are very emotional, they recover more quickly after a split. May be because women discuss their feelings, could be to a friend or family member, especially when they are going through matters of the heart. I had a business meeting with a lady for the first time, never met her before but by her initial statement, I have learnt that she is juggling a very demanding job and a home life that is nearly killing her. Who could tell that behind her sharp dressing were worries. Our discussion mostly was now on her personal issues and all I did then was to listen to her out pouring of pain and made a few remarks. When finally the meeting was over, she said I made her feel much better. I really did not do anything. From a male perspective, a man would never discuss about his feelings under such condition.  Men and women are different in dealing with heart break, if again most people recover if they find another partner, but if they don’t it takes longer as well. The truth of the matter is that individual deals with break-up in different ways in respective of the gender. The way out here is for people to understand the situation, accept it and deal with it, bearing in mind that the pain will go away with time. In every break-up, there is a lesson to learn, and in most cases, it helps some people to be better in their next relationships, although for some, they take it as a way to be mean and nasty in the relationships they find themselves, forgetting that such reactions might chase away their potential life partners. Let’s face it, everybody in one way or the other will experience disappointment could be in form of relationship or otherwise so the question: is it the end of the world? The answer is no. Life goes on. Out of my life, they say, is not out of the world.  Therefore, think less, occupy your mind with things that will make you happy. Seize the opportunity to improve yourself, go chase your dreams instead of allowing yourself to be consumed by self-pity and regrets. Always remember the person in question here has moved on. He or she is living his or her life without you in the picture. I know it is tough, especially when it has to do with marriage, but the truth is that you alone has the key to your healing and happiness.  Nobody has the right to make you feel unhappy, except you permit the person, so your happiness is in your hands.  In addition, learn to put your health into consideration because if break-up is not handled properly, it can lead to health hazard.

    A problem shared is a problem half solved!

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • How to handle sex education

    AT what age should we start talking to our children about sexuality, relationships and sex? Thanks.

    Mrs. Josephine A.,

    Lagos.

     

    TALKING to children early about sexuality, relationships and sex will help them to be able to face all the challenges that are related to them. Today’s children are exposed to so many information about sexuality, relationships and sex, so if parents don’t give the right information, they will definitely pick up messages from their friends, the internet, television and magazines. However, this information in most cases is misleading, inaccurate and confusing. Therefore, sex education remains an important job for parents. Research over time has also shown that young people would like their mums, or dads, or guardians to be the first person to talk to them about their body changes, feelings, relationship and sex.  The followings are the benefits of talking to children about sexuality, relationship and sex:

    1. Children will be able to understand the natural physical and emotional changes that they will be experiencing or they are experiencing for those who are teenagers.
    2. Knowing what is a healthy relationship and unhealthy relationship
    3. How to respect their bodies and others
    4. What they should know about sex
    5. It will help to reduce the rate of teenage pregnancies and abortion.
    6. Lower the rate of sexually transmitted infections (STI)
    7. Teach them how sexuality, relationship and sex fit in with their own cultural and religious beliefs
    8. Help them feel more confident talking about sex with their friends and partners when they are older.

    Myth about sex education:Some people have this belief that talking to children about sexuality, relationships and sex is a way of encouraging the children to experiment or rather engage in sex. Just because they are curious about sex does not necessarily mean that they are interested in having sex, even research has also shown that it has quite the opposite effect. We understand that talking to children about sexuality, relationship and sex can be scary, but if you keep it at their level of understanding, it wouldn’t be as difficult as you think.

    At what age should we start talking to our children about sexuality, relationship and sex? This is one of the main questions many parents ask.

    You will find it less embarrassing, if you start talking about sexuality, relationships and sex when your child is very young because young children don’t need very detailed information.  Three to four years is a good age to start. At this stage, children are aware and curious about the differences between the sexes (male and female). They may peep under each other’s clothes, like to undress their dolls. They may enjoy playing daddies and mummies. Some start asking questions such as: Can daddies have babies? Where do babies come from? How does the baby get in? Give them a short, simple, truthful answer as detailed explanations go over their heads. Often a child just needs the name of something. Teach them parts of the body. Use the right names and emphasise on self-respect and respect for others. Explain to them what friendship at their level is all about. Tell them about touches that must be reported concerning their bodies. Build their confidence and encourage them to tell you everything.

    Furthermore, from age five to eight. At this age, children start to learn what their bodies can and can’t do and like to find out how things work and how they are made. They are curious about their own and other people’s body, pregnancy and child birth. They continue to play daddy and mummy game, doctor and nurse. This is all normal. As a result, it is a good time to build on what you have already begun to teach your child about growing up. Remember some girls start having a period at eight years old, so it is best to tell boys and girls about periods by this age. Don’t make a big deal of it while talking to them. For example, when out shopping, take your child past the tampons and towels section, then start the conversation in case you don’t know how to start talking to them about sexuality. It is important to tell boys about period as well. Children need to know that their bodies will be changing. If you talk to your child you will find out what they already know and what they want to know.

    Talking to older children: Once children are a bit older, they may pretend they know all about sex  in reality they probably don’t. The only way you  can be sure of what they know is to ask them questions to know exactly what they know about sex and fill in the gap if need be. Find out if there is anything else they want to know. Help them by making it easy for them to ask you questions. They may not ask much, but you will have shown that you are understanding, approachable and a good listener. Teenagers often find it much harder to talk to their parents or guardians about sex and relationship than younger children so it helps if you talk to children when they are much younger. This will help them know you are always ready to talk to them, if they want to. It is never too late to talk if you have not started. Remember what it was like when you were growing up so tell them all that there is to know.  Give them the right information about the physical and emotional changes, healthy and unhealthy relationship, consequences of pre-marital sex (pregnancy, abortion, sexually transmitted diseases). Help them exercise responsibility, regarding sexual relationships, including abstinence.  Make them understand the importance and value of their education at this stage of their life. In addition, talk to them on not giving into peer pressure and to avoid distractions. Let them know that there is time for everything.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • The vow (1)

    LOOKING back now, I realize it was not a very smart thing to do. Perhaps, my young age then (I was just 23) had something to do with it. And of course, the love I had for my then fiancé, Ena. He meant the world to me and I was ready to do anything for him.

    I met Ena in 2005, at a very difficult time in his life. And mine as well because I was going through a lot of challenges then. I had finished secondary school and though I had the ambition of furthering my education, there was simply no money to do that. You see, I come from a very large family.

    My late mother had eleven of us (though we lost one) and taking care of all these children was not easy. My father did not have any regular job and did a little business here and there to make ends meet. Before she died, my mother used to do some petty trading in second hand clothing and other stuff. All their efforts did not bring in much and food and other necessities of life were scarce.

    Feeding all these mouths was a big struggle for my parents.

    I was the third born and first daughter in the family. My elder brothers left home as soon as they finished school to ‘hustle’ and it was left to me to look after my younger siblings. Things got worse after my mother’s death as there was very little money to take care of the family. So, as soon as I finished school, I started looking for a job. With the help of a church member, I got a position as a cashier at a supermarket in town. The pay was not much and after deducting the money I spent on transport commuting to and from work, there was not much left.

     

    But it was better than staying at home idle or running around with different men for money as some of my friends did. Anyway, it was while working at the store that I met Ena. He had come shopping one day with a little girl of about six. There was a particular item he wanted to buy which we did not have in stock. I promised to help place an order for it with our suppliers. He was very grateful and before leaving, he dropped his card with me.

    “I will call you as soon as we have it in stock,” I said as he left.

    Some days later, we had the item he wanted and he returned to pick it up one evening on his way from the office.

    “Thanks so much. I have searched all over town for this but I could not get it to buy,” he stated happily as he paid for the product.

    Later that week, he called me and we got chatting. With time, we became friends. At that time, he had been separated from his wife for about two years and he was raising his two daughters alone with the help of his mother and sister. He had a son too, but he had died a few days after his third birthday. As we got closer, he told me about what happened with his former wife and the reason he had become so wary of women.

    “She was dating other men behind my back. I caught her in the act so it wasn’t just gossip,” he stated one day about three months after our first meeting. By then, we had started going out, though he made it clear from the onset that he could never settle down with any woman again.

    “You are the first lady I have become close to since the incident as I find it difficult to trust women again. What my wife did to me really hurt me,” Ena explained. It was not just the emotional pain alone, he said. There was the cultural aspect too. You see, Ena is from a royal family in his community in Delta State. According to their tradition, any woman married into the family must never have affairs outside her home as it could lead to severe consequences for the family and community as a whole. Call it superstition or not but he believes it’s the wife’s infidelity that caused the death of his only son. His mother and other family members thought the same too.

    Fresh start

    You might wonder why I decided to get involved with a man who had serious issues with trust  and had sworn never to marry again. The fact was that the more I got to know Ena, the more I liked him. He was a very loving and caring man and I wondered why any woman would be unfaithful to such a man and treat him so badly.

    Anyway, with time, Ena grew to love me and I felt the same way too. Despite his love for me, I always felt he was holding back from fully accepting me into his life. Things would have continued that way if it were not for Cherie, his first daughter.

    The girl had returned from school one day crying that one of her schoolmates, whom she had an argument with had called her a ‘motherless child’.

    “Daddy, please bring my Mummy back home. I want a Mummy like my friends!” she had cried that day.

    Perhaps, it was due to this incident, which made him see the need for a mother for the children or the fact that his hard stance against remarriage had softened, for he proposed to me shortly after. This was a year after we started dating. By this time, I had become close to his children as well as other family members. His mother seemed to like me; her only complaint about me was that I did not come from their hometown.

    She had a reason for that.

    Ena’s former wife, she pointed out was not from their community and did not know ‘our traditions. That’s why she misbehaved and brought shame on herself and not my son,’ she said with a hiss.

    I accepted Ena’s proposal and he got to meet my father and siblings. My father, probably because he had one less child to worry about or a new son to help with family responsibilities, welcomed my fiancé eagerly into our home. He became even happier when Ena began giving him money regularly for the upkeep of the family. He also promised my father that he would ensure that I went to a higher institution after our marriage.

    “Mercy, my daughter, we are very lucky to have someone like Ena come into this family. So, I want you to be a good wife to him when you marry. Also, take his children as your own and don’t be wicked to them,” my father advised me one day as we began making preparations for my marriage.

    Two weeks before the traditional marriage ceremony, Ena called me into his room one evening. The children were in their room watching TV and I had just finished preparing dinner.

    In the room, he brought out a large Bible from a drawer by the bedside, which he gave to me. I gazed at him curiously, wondering what he was doing with the book when he wasn’t going to church that evening.

    Then looking at me solemnly he stated:

    “This is something we need to do before our marriage. I want to be sure in my mind that there will not be a repeat of what happened with my ex-wife.”

    “What is it? What do you want to do?” I asked a bit anxiously.

    “It’s not something tasking. All I want is for you to make a vow that you will stay faithful to me forever. You have to promise me that you will never allow any other man except me to touch you as long as you live. Can you do that, Mercy?”

    “Is that all?”I said and without thinking much about it, I agreed to do as he wished.

    I placed my hand on the Bible and vowed to be a faithful and loving wife.

    “I promise that I will never look at another man for the rest of my days. It is you alone I will have in my heart, body and soul,” I stated firmly.

    After that, Ena gave me a kiss which sealed the vow between us…

    To be continued

     

    Will Mercy be able to keep to the vow of fidelity she made to Ena? Join us next Saturday to find out!

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of the narrator and other individuals in the story.

    Send comments/suggestions to 08054701481 (SMS only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com. Follow us on Twitter @Escapades007 and on Facebook. You can also log in to truelifestoriesng.blogspot.com.

  • Becoming a help meet (5)

    DEAR Reader, I started this teaching by explaining to you how you can acquire knowledge of your God-given position in your husband’s life. In the second lesson, I asked you to examine yourself if you were hurting or helping your husband. The third lesson was a teaching on the key of wisdom. In last week’s edition, I gave you the secrets for family distinction.

    Today, I want to talk about the Use of the Tongue as a Helpmeet.  If you stand on the shoulder of another man, you see farther than that man. When you learn from others, you become wiser. May the good Lord give you understanding!

    POSITIVE use of the tongue, include:

    1. PEACE:

    Abigail was married to a man of low reasoning. The man exhibited folly and was about to be destroyed with his entire household by David. It took the intervention of the man’s wife, Abigail, who spoke right words to David, for the household to be preserved. The Word of God says: And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground, And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid. Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send (1 Samuel 25:23-25).

    In another account of Scriptures, the Jews were to be destroyed by the wickedness of a high ranking officer (Haman) in the cabinet of king Ahasuerus. Esther, a Jew, was privilege of God to have favour in the sight of the king, but she stood in the gap for her people. Despite the dicey situation that could take her own life, she used her tongue positively, and her people were delivered. Thereafter, their enemy, Haman, died in their stead (Esther 4:15-16; 7:1-10).

    1. PROCURES LIFE

    The only son of a godly woman called, Shunamite Woman died. Instead of crying and saying negative things, she used her tongue positively and her son was brought back to life (2 Kings 4:26).

    1. ESTABLISHES DESTINY

    The Israelites spoke against God, wishing that they had died in Egypt or in the wilderness. The Lord heard, and sealed up their destiny. They all died in the wilderness, never to reach the Promised Land. However, only Joshua and Caleb who used their tongues positively, were preserved, and entered the Promised Land (Numbers 14:25).

    1. LONG LIFE

    If you desire to live long and see many days, God says that you have a responsibility to keep your mouth from speaking negative words (Psalms 34:12-13).

    1. SUCCESS

    The Word of God coming out of your mouth with a heart full of assurance that He Who has promised will surely do it, is what guarantees your success (Joshua 1:8).

    1. PROTECTION

    The Psalmist said: “I will say….” What are you saying with your mouth? Remember, it is what you say that you will see (Psalms 91:2).

    1. DIVINE PRESENCE

    He that speaks the truth ….He that backbites not with his tongue…. He that is pure in heart and lips, etc, are the categories of people that God dwells with. Again, from scriptures we understand that when God’s presence is with you, no mountain can withstand you. Therefore, speak right and you will always carry His presence (Psalms 15:1-3).

    NEGATIVE use of the tongue:

    1. STRIFE

    A wise man once said, “Ninety percent of the friction of daily life is caused by the wrong tone of voice.” Consider this: (Proverbs 15:1).

    1. DESTROYS DESTINY

    Already mentioned above (see 3), the Ten Spies destroyed their destinies by the words of their mouth (Proverbs 13:3; Numbers 14:22-24).

    1. PROCURES DEATH

    The Bible says that death and life are in the power of tongue (Proverbs 18: 21). This was validated in the story of Ananias and Sapphira, where their lying tongues invoked the wrath of God, which led to their death (Acts 5:1-10).

    1. LEADS TO HELL

    All liars shall not only die physically on earth, but shall have a part in the second death (Revelation 21:8).

    1. LEADS OTHERS TO SIN

    By deceit which comes out of the mouth, the serpent (satan) made man to fall. It is a sin to make others commit error by the words of your mouth. That was what satan employed when he led Adam & Eve to sin (Genesis 3).

    1. LEADS YOU TO SIN

    The words of your mouth matter to God. Therefore, guide it. (Ecclesiastes. 5:6). There are three things that happen to our words:

    1. God acts on it (Isaiah 44:26; Numbers 14:28)
    2. Devil acts on it (Psalms 18:44)
    3. Angels act on it (Ecclesiastes 5:6)

    What you call your children is what they become. When pregnant, what you say concerning the pregnancy matters much to the life of that child. For example, a man says to his pregnant wife: ‘This belle wey you carry so, if na girl just carry am go your parent’s house from the hospital.’ If the baby happens to be a girl, she is already unwanted in that family. Her life is already affected in the negative, and unless the mercy of God prevails, she begins to live an unfulfilled life. Parents, watch out. A woman finds out she’s pregnant, she hisses and says, ‘Who wants a child now? Oh! I don’t need another baby, etc.’ Eventually, when the baby comes, the he/she will hate the mother from birth, and there is already discord in that family relationship. Parents, take heed.

    There is so much to say about God’s view concerning the use of our tongues. A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, says the Bible, and a good tree brings forth good fruits (Proverbs 15:4). Therefore, today, determine to plant a good tree in the life of your husband, wife, children, family members, business and careers, then, you shall reap good fruits.

    But first, you need to surrender your life to Christ to be able to make good use of your tongue, and that begins with you being born again. Please say this prayer and you shall be born again: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. Deliver me from sin and Satan to serve the living God. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.”

    If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • Coping with infidelity

    AT the beginning, we could not get enough of each other after our joyous wedding.  I felt on top of the world. Three years later, my husband started going out a lot with a group of friends. Initially I must be sincere with you I did not see anything wrong with him hanging out with the boys.

    After some months, his attitude began to change towards me. He started avoiding certain things we did together. He picked at everything I did. My husband was always comparing me with some of his friends’ wives. I thought he would stop after a while. Instead, the situation got worst. He kept late nights and came home drunk.

    My husband is now dating a girl he met in their joint. I got to know when I read through his phone messages on a day he was drunk.  Now, I am very angry and feel betrayed. Now, his presence irritates me. I need your help on what to do.

    Name withheld.

     

    I must commend you for sharing your problem. Who knows there might be someone experiencing the same thing. A problem shared is a problem half solved. Thanks for your text message. The feeling of being neglected and unfaithfulness in marriage is really very painful. Your feelings towards your spouse at this point in time are natural and it’s as a result that your trust has been betrayed by not just anybody but someone you loved very much. You need to grieve the loss. Infidelity can happen to anyone. As hurtful as it seems, understanding infidelity can be of help to the offended spouse. Knowing the type of infidelity sometimes makes understanding much easier because there are several types of unfaithfulness.

    Sexual addiction: Those ones who go after anything in skirt. Those who don’t have an iota of self- discipline when it comes to sex. Such people need help because it is like an illness.

    Other type is entangled affair. It starts from being good friends that have a common ground, share common jokes, enjoy some bits of things here and there. If not addressed immediately, it can lead to a long time very intimate relationship. Some end up keeping such ladies as their mistresses, running two homes conveniently.

    In addition is the one-night-stand. A one-time affair without any string attached, no exchange of contact. No plan of having a relationship.

    With the knowledge of the type of affair your spouse is involved,  it will help you get beyond the hurt. However, here are more solution tips to infidelity. Understanding the causes is the beginning of your healing.  So you will have to confront him or her with a proof, plan and purpose. In the process, you really need to have a plan. Choose the right time and place carefully so that you can discuss the issue at length. Present the evidence you have before him/her for example, the name, dates, places, phone calls or messages or physical evidence as the case may be. Then, ask all the questions  about the affair: why he did it, how it started, how long the affair has been going on, ask how he feels towards the lady and what are his plans now that you know.  However, you may have to accept that your spouse may not know why the infidelity took place. Watch his reaction. That will tell you how deep he is in the affair, how sorry, or that it was just peer pressure. In the process, be calm, don’t talk in anger or bitterness.   As painful as the case is, it doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be renewed and strengthened because it can.

    Listen attentively to his response without interruption, so that you can accurately assess the situation. Observing these steps might help you and your spouse to know your weakness and your strength. After all said and done, if he is deeply sorry and ask for your forgiveness, forgive him.

    Let’s face it. What has happened has happened. The way forward is important, so give him a second chance. Don’t get me wrong. Infidelity is wrong and cannot be justified. The fact that most people around you are doing it does not make it right because you took an oath before God and man to remain faithful to your spouse.

    Time is also another factor. It is going to take time for the wound to heal. This is expected, so you will have to go through all your emotions. The healing process might be slow, but you will definitely get over it. Next on the list is the blaming attitude. Learn not to be too hard on yourself. Some see their spouses’ infidelity as their fault. Listen, infidelity is a matter of choice. So don’t blame yourself for it.

    Moreover, take care of yourself; you may have some physical reactions to the infidelity such as nausea, diarrhoea, sleep problems (little or too much) shakiness, difficulty in concentrating and not wanting to eat or go into comfort eating. If you are experiencing these, it is time for you to turn your situation for good.

    Get busy by putting activity into your lifestyle, take up exercise of your choice. Start eating healthy, look good for yourself and be happy. In doing so, you will discover that balance is the key to getting through this experience of coping with infidelity.

    If you know you cannot handle the situation on your own, it is advisable that you get professional help because the counsellor will treat you and your spouse with respect, no bias feeling, separating the situation at hand, so that honest positive and negative feedback can be obtained to enable both spouse align effectively.

    Finally, avoid contacting or investigating the lady in question. You have no business with the lady. Your business is with your spouse who cheated on you. Don’t go after the lady for any reason because it might turn against you. No matter the condition, every man loves to be respected.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • The only son (3)

    GOD had blessed her with a precious bundle of joy, thus shutting their mouths completely.

    Looking at the tiny face of the newborn, she felt it was all worth it, all the trouble she went through to get to this stage of her life…

    The years went by and Claire’s only son, Gift grew into a lively, well-behaved boy loved by everyone. His father doted on him, denying him nothing. The way he acted, one would think the boy was his only child, that he did not have other children.

    Even the daughters noticed the preferential treatment given to Gift and began to grumble.

    “Anytime, we ask Daddy for money for anything, he’ll say no money. But once it’s Gift, money will surface from nowhere,” said Claire’s first daughter, Grace.

    “Shut up! How dare you talk about your daddy in that manner! Silly girl,” her mother admonished her. But in a way, the girl was right. Gift was getting spoilt and Claire was not too happy about it. When she confronted her husband about it, he did not see anything wrong in what he was doing.

    “He’s my only son, my heir. He’s the one who will carry on the family line. So, Gift is not just an ordinary child, he’s special. He deserves to be treated specially. If the girls have a problem with that, well there’s nothing I can do about it,” he stated.

    “Well, dear, I don’t think it’s fair on the girls. They’ll feel unloved, unimportant as if Gift is the only one that matters in this family. I know you love all the children and you should show it to all of them equally and not discriminate against anyone,” she advised.

    He did not reply but simply shrugged and carried on watching a sports programme on TV.

    The revelation

    Gift was about seven years when a series of incidents began to happen that caused Claire’s carefully laid plans to crumble.

    First was the incident at church over the holiday period. The pastor’s exhortation to the congregants to make restitutions for past deeds in order to enjoy God’s blessings for the new year had touched her deeply. At the time, Claire had felt as if the man was addressing her directly. Was it possible that he could see into people’s hearts, know about their transgressions?

    That could not be; afterall, he was not God, Claire reasoned.

    Then, a few weeks ago, Gift had fallen ill. He had developed a high fever and had been vomiting a lot. His parents took him to the hospital where he was admitted.

    Tests were carried out on him and he was given drugs and treatment but to no avail.

    His situation only grew worse. At a point, they became so worried about his condition, Damian suggested they looked for money and fly him out of the country for treatment abroad.

    “Nothing must happen to my boy. I’ll do whatever it takes including borrowing money to ensure he gets the best treatment possible,” he said one evening. They had just returned home from the hospital after visiting Gift. His condition was deteriorating and his parents were getting desperate.

    The following day, Damian’s mother arrived, with a man she called a ‘great prophet and man of God.’

    “Gift’s health problem might be a spiritual attack from enemies who are envious of you,” she told Damian. She disclosed that together with the man of God, the family would embark on two day fasting and prayers to remove the ‘curse hanging over the boy’s head.’

    Claire was fully in support of anything that would make her son recover from the strange illness. But Damian was opposed to the idea.

    “I don’t know this man, Mama. He could be a charlatan for all we know. There are so many fake prophets out there, so one has to be careful,” he said.

    But the mother waved off his fears stating she could vouch for Prophet Jonah’s authenticity any day. “Don’t look down on him because he’s young. He’s very powerful and can see things the ordinary eyes can’t see,” she assured him.

    It was on the second day of the prayers, a little after midnight that the revelation came. At a point, the prophet stopped praying and took Damian and his mother into another room.

    They were there for a while and when they returned to the room, Claire noticed that the atmosphere had changed. Damian looked tensed while Mama’s lips were twisted as if she had tasted something disgusting.

    It was the Prophet that first spoke.

    Addressing Claire, he asked:

    “Madam, is there anything you know about the boy’s illness that we need to know?”

    She gazed at the man confused, not comprehending what he was about.

    “What do you mean, Pastor?” she queried.

    He looked her straight in the eye, then said:

    “You know what I’m talking about. As we were praying, I got a revelation concerning your son. The boy’s illness is not a physical one but spiritual. His spirit longs to go home. His real home, not the one he was taken to as a baby. This is not his home.”

    “Sorry, I don’t know what you are talking about,” Claire stated.

    Mama butted in:

    “Stop pretending you don’t know what’s going on! Open up now so we know the next step to take to save the boy’s life! Its only your confession that can save him now! Is Gift yours and Damian’s child?”

    ***

    Claire’s confession

    They say no matter how long you hide the truth, one day, it will surface. How could I keep quiet when my precious son’s life was at stake. If you are a mother, you will understand. That night, after much grilling and threats from Damian and his mother, I opened up to the crime I had committed all those years ago, ably aided by my friend Franca.

    I confessed all; how Franca had arranged for a baby boy to be delivered for me after the scan I took revealed I was to have another girl. She made the necessary arrangements with a nurse including the payment for the boy, Gift, who was smuggled to the delivery room on the night I gave birth. He had been born a few hours before I went into labour by a woman I never met. I could not go into much details because other people were involved. But the bottom line is that I bought my baby boy, Gift. I exchanged him with the baby girl I had.

    I did it because I did not want to lose my husband to another woman as his mother had threatened to marry another wife for him. One that will give him sons.

    The following day, confusion reigned in our home as Damian threw me out of the house.

    “Get out of my house and return that bastard to wherever you got him from!” he screamed at me as he threw my things out.

    “Please, forgive me, my husband! It was desperation that made me do it!” I cried, begging him on my knees.

    It was no use. I was kicked out and I lost my home and family. The only positive thing that came out of the whole incident is that Gift fully recovered from his mysterious illness. He is my only consolation now as my daughters were all taken from me. I live in regret over my actions but I was forced to do it because of my situation.

    I just hope Damian will understand, forgive and take me back. I still love him and I miss my girls.

    The End

  • Dealing with unhealthy relationship

    Dear Harriet, I am a worker in Cross River State. I have a girlfriend who only calls my line when I’m about to receive my salary.  Please, I need your help on what to do.

    Joe O.

     

    THANKS for your text message. I must commend you for been able to identify who you are to your girlfriend. Many are financial providers without knowing it. A situation where you are only relevant when the person needs you indicates that the person is only in a relationship with you because of what she or he stands to benefit from you.

    Such people can be regarded as manipulators. One thing you need to understand is that people get manipulated, not because they are weak, but they have these feelings that they might stand to lose something by not giving in to this person. This is mostly common in romantic relationships, a situation where one partner always gives in to the other partner just to please or to avoid offending the other, but rather displeasing themselves. People who lack assertiveness in their personality have the tendency to bring out the manipulative aspect of people they date. If you are the type of person that cannot say no or has a hard time stopping yourself from doing favour for someone, even if you don’t want to do it, in all probability will be attracting manipulators like moths.

    The yearning to give and receive love throbs in the heart of everyone. People try in many ways to discover true love, real love, a love that is strong and deep, a love that lasts for all time.

    Yet the pursuit of love has caused more heartache and pain, more bitterness, than all the diseases and conflicts among nations. Many times, people feel they are in love while their feelings actually are lust, lust and love are often confused in our minds. We need to understand that love is actually different from lust; love gives, lust takes.

    Love values; lust uses. Love endures; lust subsides. The fact remains that people going into relationships with one common thing in mind and that is their “why” (reasons). Some are in it for the affection they have for their partners, some are in it for what they stand to benefit while some are in a relationship for marriage.  A clear understanding of your place in your relationship goes a long way. Therefore, it is very vital for you to know how your partner sees you, and of what value are you to her or him.

    The worst thing that can happen to somebody in a relationship is when the person is being used. Affection works in both ways, so once this is lacking, it is nice for you to question your relationship because it can be devastating when you feel someone is on the same page with you when the person is only with you for his or her selfish aim. However, here are few tips for you to consider, if you want to leave, but find yourself staying in a relationship where you are only there to supply his or her needs.

    The decision really is for you to take because you are the person in the relationship and you know the reason.  It will be nice for you to assess what is keeping you in the relationship, knowing that you are being used. It is it fear of the unknown, pity or are you afraid to be alone , so what  exactly are the factors that keep you stuck?

    Next step is to have a conversation with your friend about your aim for the relationship and how her action towards you affects you, more so that she only shows interest in you because of what she stands to gain. Talk to her about her actions; be open about your observations and feelings.

    Having an open discussion with her about her attitude will help you understand yourself better against future occurrence. Furthermore, if you decide to end the relationship after an effective communication with her, you must understand that ending a relationship, no matter how unhealthy it might be, is heartbreaking and can be overwhelming. It is a loss of something you have spent significant time building and is only natural that it will take time to heal.

    In addition, you have to develop an exit strategy. This involves cutting ties and putting up space between you and your friend. It sounds mean, but it is critical to help you move on. Otherwise, you will end up in a cycle of break-up to make-up. Know your worth and decide that you deserve better.

    It is painful but could become a better you and attract someone who will treat you the way you deserve. So spend time focusing on what you stand to gain from putting an end to an unhealthy relationship instead of what you stand to lose and you will be much better off in the end.  Surround yourself with love and never forget what you deserve.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj