The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • The only son (2)

    HAVE you done a scan?” asked Franca, her bosom friend.

    She shook my head.

    “I plan doing it. But I’m scared. What if it’s another girl?” Claire stated worriedly.

    “That’s why you need to know. So, you can start making plans to avert disaster,” she said.

    “Plans? What are you talking about?” she queried.

    Franca drew closer to her on the couch and began to whisper into her ear.

    She sat bolt upright at her words.

    “Franca! That’s terrible! Why should I do such a thing? God forbid!” she stated hotly.

    She simply looked at her friend in a pitying manner, shaking her head at the same time.

    “You better wise up Claire. You have a dicey situation at hand that might make you lose your husband and your home. Yet, you sit here saying God forbid! Look, God helps those who help themselves. A sensible person seeks a solution to whatever problem he has rather than leave everything to chance,” she said.

    “But your suggestion is just too horrible to contemplate. I can’t imagine myself doing such a thing. What if we are caught? What will my husband say if he finds out? He will kill me!” said Claire.

    “How will he find out if you don’t tell him? Others did it and got away with it so why should your case be different. Look, anytime you are ready, let me know. I know somebody who arranges such things for women in your situation,” she stated, before getting up. Shortly after, she left,  leaving Claire alone .

    She sat for a long time, mulling over her friend’s words. ‘God helps those who help themselves,’ she had stated. It was exactly what her mother-in-law had told her husband, when she had threatened to marry a second wife for him.

    Perhaps, it was time she took matters into her hands rather than leave things to fate. Afterall, Damian’s mother was making her own plans. So, why shouldn’t she do the same, to secure her position in her husband’s house.

    As it was, the situation was shaky; if she had another girl, that might be the end of her marriage to Damian. And what would happen to her then? End up a divorcee with five children?

    ‘I’ll rather die than allow that happen,’ she vowed silently to herself. She loved her husband too much and could not bear the thought of losing him. And that was what could happen if her mother-in-law had her way.

    It was time she made a move. The pregnancy was already six months old. So, the earlier the better…

    First she had to pluck up the courage and have a scan done. The result would determine the next line of action…

    After she saw the result of the scan, she immediately called Franca on phone.

    “I’ll be right over. Don’t worry, everything will be alright,” her friend stated reassuringly…

     

    The golden child

    It was an elaborate naming ceremony, the likes of which residents of Oseni Street had not witnessed before. Damian, the proud father of a son after many years of having only female children, spared no expense in making the ceremony a memorable one. A cow was killed for the occasion and a catering outfit prepared the food and drinks which was enough to feed a small army.

    A band was hired to entertain the numerous guests which included his family members, colleagues at his working place, friends, church members, neighbours and others. Everyone had enough to eat, drink and even take away.

    The happy mother, Claire looked radiant in her celebratory outfit of a skirt and blouse combo made from expensive wax print material. Gracing her neck was a new gold necklace worth thousands of Naira her husband had gifted her for the precious gift of a son.

    The boy in question named GodsGift or Gift for short, slept peacefully in his mother’s laps despite all the noise and cacophony of the party. Gift was like a precious ‘little bundle’, the golden child that had brought so much joy and happiness to the family.

    Damian was so excited about Gift, he began making plans for his future right from the day he was born.

    “I’ll ensure he attends the best schools in the country. No funny, local school for my boy,” he enthused as he gazed down tenderly at the baby sleeping peacefully in his cot.

    “Why don’t you allow him walk first before you think of enrolling in school? He’s still an infant,” his wife stated with a smile.

    “The earlier the better. Nothing is too much for my boy!” he enthused.

    Claire smiled contently. For the first time in years, she felt a sense of security. Now, her in laws, particularly her mother-in-law would leave her alone in peace. No more threats about bringing in a new wife or kicking her out of her matrimonial home just because she could not give birth to a son.

    God had blessed her with a precious bundle of joy, thus shutting their mouths completely.

    Looking at the tiny face of the newborn, she felt it was all worth it, all the trouble she went through to get to this stage of her life…

    To be continued

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identities of the characters in the story

    Send comments/suggestions to 08054701481 (SMS only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com. Follow us on Twitter @Escapades007 and on Facebook. You can also log on to truelifestoriesng.blogspot.com

  • The one thing you must never do

    The one thing you must never do

    ONLY yesterday I was chatting with a friend, so she told me how she met this dashing young gentleman in the course of work. As a respectable married woman, she did what every self respecting married female does for her single friends- hook them up with eligible, single males with the hope that it would head somewhere. So the two meet, and before they can both hit it off, the guy goes to his village for Christmas, and the lady invites herself over to his village (unasked). That was the end of the budding relationship. Can you guess why? Simple, choosing to make such a visit made her look desperate, if not cheap; especially when the man had not made such an overture. What do I mean? I will explain.

    Let the man make the effort to initiate a relationship. Men are by nature hunters, especially when it comes to relationships. In spite of what women libbers wish to make us believe, ladies are better off letting the man take the lead in relationships. Let him make the effort to chase you, get you and hold your attention, and the usual male/female dating drama; anything less makes the woman look easy, and the man most likely lose interest. If men want us to be hard to get, attractive, sexy, interesting, mysterious; the list goes on, we must be that way. When you programme a man’s mind to always think of you; of ways to please you, and how he can make you his, it becomes a part f his thinking, and he will treasure you. When you do the chasing however, he will think that you are cheap, desperate, or lacking in worth. Trust me, men like women who are hard to get. Anything less is a recipe for disaster as so many heartbroken women can testify. Never ever chase a man.

    Never be the one to initiate the move to take a relationship to the next level. Why? Simple, a man knows exactly where he wants the relationship to lead to. If a man wants a serious relationship, he knows, and will do whatever he needs to get it. If he does not he won’t. Unfortunately, he might choose not to tell you that he does not want a serious relationship. Especially if the lady is meeting his sexual needs. Wise women know that with men, actions speak louder than words. Look at his actions, not his words. Ladies risk looking desperate when they attempt to push a man to make a commitment. So what does a wise lady do? Become unavailable, or end the relationship if the guy seems unwilling to commit himself to you. If he is serious, he will get the message and commit, if not, good riddance. So save yourself the heartache by ending the relationship, and make yourself available for a guy who is willing, and able to commit.

    Never be the one to make all the sacrifices at the beginning of the relationship. Why? Any lasting relationship will demand sacrifices from the couple, but it is in a lady’s interest to be with a man who is willing to make sacrifices for her at the beginning. What do I mean? Single ladies should not fall into the trap of acting like wives when they aren’t. For instance, a lady moved from her Ikeja home to take care of her sick sister living at Iyana-Ipaja. Her boyfriend lives at Suru-Lere. How did the couple manage the relationship? Some ladies would refuse to make the move so as to be close to their boyfriends, or she would be the one making the long, uncomfortable commute to visit her man. A wise babe, she allowed her man make the commute, at the end of it all, he decided that he could not imagine not seeing her as often as he liked, so he proposed.

  • What you need to know before going into relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I am 34 years old young lady who wants to achieve certain goals before marriage. Relationship, to me, is give and take, but I have not been so lucky in the past with guys. Therefore, for some years I have pushed relationship aside because of my experience. Now, my parents are distubing me to bring a man home. Help me please.

    Kate O., Port Harcourt.

     

    A relationship is a want not a need. May be you are tired of the dating scene, or that you are tired of pouring time, energy and money into relationships that start off so well with all the excitement, but end with heartache. Could be that you are just frustrated because you don’t know when is the right time to start. May be you’ve been in many serious relationships, but for some unknown reasons, you can’t seem to close the deal, perhaps you are single again and are afraid of making the same mistake that resulted in so much pain and disillusionment in pervious relationships. If you can relate with the above, then you will find this edition of great use.

    Are you ready for a relationship? This is an important question for those who want to start a relationship. It is only you that can answer this question? Friends and relatives might be pressurising you to start dating mostly when they feel that age is not on your side as they claim, forgetting that you are the one going into the relationship not them. However, sometimes they mean well, but in the long run the choice is yours.

    The first way to know if you are ready for a relationship is to be sincere with yourself. Here. are some tips that may help you:

    Ability to define your reason: In a common language, you need to ask yourself ‘why.’ What is your reason. People go into relationship for different reasons, so you need to be clear on it. Trust me, it is very vital to know your ‘why” because when you are faced with the ups and downs only your why will keep you going.

    Your past relationships: Forget about your exes and everything that they did whether you liked it or not. Your new partner or date is not going to be exactly like them and that will be both good and bad. Accept this as quickly as possible and be ready for something fun and completely new.

    Be absolutely prepared to be patient and wait for the right person to come along to spend the rest of your life with. This won’t happen right away, but most people find that person when they least expect.

     

    Nobody at all wants to be with an intensely negative person and for this fact you need to be as positive and upbeat as possible. Being ready for a relationship means that you are ready for everything else that comes with it, only do it if you are prepared.

    If you are embarrassed or self-conscious of your looks (first of all don’t be because everybody is). Then, do everything you can to change them first. A person with low self- esteem based on looks isn’t ready for a relationship and you don’t want to go changing right away if that person likes the way you look.

    Another area to check is your job: What about my job, you may ask; after all, I need a good job to keep a woman. That is, if you are a man with a very demanding job.  If this is you, you need to think it through because no sooner or later you will have to create time for your partner, if not he/she will start complaining and that might affect your relationship, but if you are simply trying to get a foot in the door of a possible career, then you are not ready for a relationship because only a few can understand your situation without making a big deal out of it.

    Do an intense self-evaluation before giving complete approval to the idea of being ready for a relationship. Take a good hard look at yourself and pay attention to your habits because your significant other will tell you about them soon enough and that will only make you angry.

    Remember what it is from previous relationships that doomed your chances of a long-term situation from both sides. What are the attitude that you have that turned him/her off and what are his/her that you could not stand. Now the question that comes to mind is are you ready to change because the chances are that it might come up again, so are you ready to deal with it now or later?

    Please remember that regardless of if you agree or not, there is another person at play in your decision of if you are ready for a relationship. That other person should be respected and treated as good as you want to be, don’t doom this relationship and others by disrespecting your other half.

    Furthermore, financial independence must be put into consideration. Everyone should have some financial freedom before going into a relationship because if you don’t have something doing, you won’t be happy even if you date, fall in love, and get married. Why you may ask, the truth of the matter is that you will have nothing to offer to the relationship, and you will drain your spouse/ partner completely dry. Inevitably, you will be putting extraordinary expectations on the other person to fulfil you, complete you and also make you happy. A regular source of income must be put into consideration. This is not been materialistic. It is reality. Money has caused a lot of problems in relationships. Therefore, it is wise for you to, at least, have a source of income.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • How to sound articulate in corporate environment

    Dear Harriet,

    It is alarming at the rate simple courtesy is declining mostly in our corporate environment. Please, give counsel on this. Thanks.

    Tunde Oni, Lagos.

     

    IF there is anything so important now and would play a major role in the life of every worker, it is the

    social and corporate outlook.  A man’s charm is primarily judged by his appearance and utterance.

    A proper blend of both cultivates a perfect man. We are in a society where the recognition and observance of good art of speaking is largely ignored. Also, our general ability to talk intelligently with one another seems to be declining. In fact, bad and terrible talks permeate every level of our corporate and civil lives. Until we master the speaking attitude, our day-to-day business dealings in office, telephone conversation and oral presentation would remain bland and inept. We should first realize that our personality reflects in the way we speak. A subordinate speaking to his boss should be bold to look straight into the eyes of his boss to pass on information or argue a point. Talking to the floor with our heads bowed and our knuckle cracking incessantly in sham obeisance strips us of self-confidence that may yet reside in us. To be a good speaker, you should add value to whatever you say. You must be confident and be willing to say it in the most precise manner. Undue circumlocution only betrays your level of intelligence. The office environment is one good place where a worker’s temperament or his general outlook can be determined. In office, an individual comes in contact with people of diverse backgrounds.

    His or her ability to use words so effectively to indulge in constant chatter without rancor matters a great deal. Simple courtesy words like “may I use your calculator please? Or may I have your magazine for a moment please?” will not only bring a smile to face of our interlocutor, but they could also illuminate the charm in us. If there is one place politeness seems to have lost its value today, it is the corporate environment. The kind of conversation we hear on the telephone, even on casual discussions, is drained of politeness. Speaking on the telephone in the office should be a courteous exercise. Anger or disgust can be expressed in a subtle manner such that the desired result could be better achieved. The use of imperative statements, especially when a request is to be made is disastrous to a telephone conversation. If while making enquiries you say “let me ask you a question”, you would sound less polite than when you say “may I ask you a question please” what if you were receiving a call and the request is for your colleague, do you say for example “she is not back from lunch yet or she is away from her desk, but I expect her soon” no doubt the second option sounds more polite and courteous. In addition still on conversation, for the receptionist the statement “can I help you” has become such a polite cliché that it is said most often with a patronizing glare as if that is just the best that could be offered. This same expression could still be used with more attention and politeness for the visitor to feel more welcome. Imagine how a visitor will feel if the receptionist or the front desk officer with a smile in his or her face says “good morning, how may I help you please” it is pertinent to know that a face conversation is always more compelling than a telephone conversation. Whatever mode we use, we should be conscious that those who master the speaking attitude will always have a much better shot at winning the battle of ascendancy. The world may be agog with new technologies every day but they can never take the place of plain conversation. Speaking well in the office can enhance your career prospect, improve your chances of promotion and enhance your social life. Every worker must, therefore, see it as an act that must be cultivated.

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • The homecoming (2)

    I TURNED my face slightly and the kiss landed on my cheek. I drew out of his embrace and he went back to his seat. We both knew what he was about to do and what it could have led to.

    “You shouldn’t have done that,” I stated.

    “What?” he asked looking at me.

    “You know what you were trying to do. You wanted to kiss me. Don’t try that again,” I warned him.

    “I’m sorry. It’s just that you look so beautiful when you cry! I guess I got carried away,” he said.

    “Ernest!” I said glaring at him.

    “Alright, alright! I’ll behave from now on,” he said with a wry smile.

    He kept to his words but for a short while. After that, it was back to his old ways of constant flirting with me and cracking jokes. He made me laugh and forget my troubles especially the situation with Barri.

    We had spoken a couple of times since he told me he was not coming home to visit anymore. He had been full of apologies, promising to come another time once ‘he was less busy’.

    “If you like, come or don’t come. Do whatever you like. I don’t bloody care!” I had shouted at him during our last conversation.

    “Ah! Bella! Don’t say that,” he had said, before assuring me again of his undying love and devotion to me…

    Anyway, I decided not to let Bari’s continued absence bother me too much. I focused on my job and when I was off duty, I spent time with my family and friends.

    May was one of such friends that I spent a lot of my free time with. One weekend, I accompanied her to a large shopping mall at Ikeja to help pick out a gift for her fiancé Jerry’s birthday. After we made the purchase, we took a lunch break from window shopping and admiring some of the expensive items on display at the stores at the mall.

    “Bella, I’m traveling next week. Jerry and I are going to South Africa for the holidays,” she announced as we ate at an eatery in the mall.

    “Wow! Girl, that’s cool. Lucky you!” I said enviously.

    “Yeah. His company gave him some tickets as a bonus for all his hard work the past year. So, he’s taking me along,” she stated.

    “Well, I have no where to go. I’m stuck in this boring place for the holidays. Worse still, Barri is no longer coming,” I said.

    “Don’t be too sad,” she said on seeing how downcast I looked. “He could still change his mind and come afterall,” she stated.

    “I don’t think so. He would have told me if that was his plan,” I noted.

    “Poor you. So, what will you do during the period? Don’t tell me you don’t have anything lined up like places to go to unwind, catch some fun,” she asked.

    “Well, nothing much. I will just spend the day chilling at home with my people. Though someone has invited me to a weekend get together at the Golden resorts.”

    “Golden Resorts? That’s great! Wonderful place! Jerry and I were there some months back and we had a swell time. So, who’s this person taking you there?” she queried.

    When I told her it was Ernest, my colleague, she looked at me sharply.

    “Ernest? Why will he invite you for such an outing? Shouldn’t he be taking his girlfriend or partner there? Why you?” she enquired.

    “Hey, May, easy with the grilling. It’s a professional club he belongs to that is organising it for their members. He broke up with his girlfriend over six months ago and he asked me to be his date for the event,” I stated.

    “Well, just be careful sha. You told me the guy likes you. Being together in such a beautiful setting as the Resort, a good looking man and a pretty young lady, anything can happen,” said May.

    “Like what? Girl, you have a dirty mind! We will have separate rooms. Besides, I’m a big girl, a married one at that and I can take care of myself. And I have not even accepted to go with him,” I stated.

    That was not totally true. I had told Ernest I would think about it but in my heart, I knew I would go. Truth was that, I needed a break from all the hassles of work and other commitments I had faced all these past months. Three days at a nice resort with all kinds of delicious food to eat,

    a spa for some massages and other pampering sessions sounded very enticing.

    I trusted Ernest and I knew he would not do anything funny I did not want. So, what was there not to like about the trip, I wondered. It was just what I needed at that time, a get-away to relax and forget all my troubles with Barri.

    The following Monday, I told him I would go with him to the resort.

    “That’s great, Bella. I’m sure you won’t regret coming. You have been looking really stressed up for sometime and this break will do you good. You will a have great time with my friends and I. I promise you,” he reassured me.

    Later, on getting home from work, I thought about how good Ernest had been to me and how he was always looking out for me. He had filled a vacuum in my life, created by my husband’s long absence. He was playing some of the roles, Barri, my husband should have been playing in my life.

    ‘Instead, he is so comfortable abroad that to come home to see me has become a problem for him,’ I said to myself with a hiss.

    What kind of husband will leave his wife alone for five years without bothering to come home? All he did was give excuses which were sounding more lame by the day. I had been understanding and patient with him all along but I believed he was beginning to take me for granted. In a way, my accepting Ernest’s invitation to the resort was my way of showing him that I too, can go out and have my fun, that I was not going to continue living like a nun just because of an absentee spouse.

    Though I liked him and was somehow attracted to him, I had no intention of dating Ernest, though I knew that was what he desired and wanted so much. But who knows, anything could happen on this trip and I could change my mind…

    The home coming

    “So, what’s your Christmas wish? Is there anything you desire so much that you want Santa to do for you this season?” said Ernest over a take away lunch in the office one day. It was some days before the and we were winding up work for the year.

    “Santa? At my age? Guy, I’m not eight years old! That’s kids’ stuff! I’m too old for that kind of bullshit,” I told him.

    “One is never too old to make a wish. So, what do you want? Who knows, your desire might come true,” he said.

    “Well, there’s just one thing I want for this period. But I’m not telling you. Sorry, my secret,” I said with a smile.

    “Ah! Open up, B! What is it? A new car? That expensive Gucci bag I saw you drooling over on that shopping website the other day? Tell me, na!” he persisted.

    I just smiled at him and shook my head. Barri, my husband was all I wanted for the holidays but since it was impossible for him to be with me then, there was no need voicing such a desire out.

    Ernest was speaking.

    “As for me, I got what I wanted,” he said.

    “What is it?” I asked with some curiosity.

    He shook his head.

    “Not telling. I can keep secrets too, you know,” he said grinning.

    “Bad guy,” I said teasingly.

    On the day, we were to leave for the resort, I woke up early and packed a few clothes and some toiletries in a small traveling bag. The resort was about two hours drive from the city. I did not want Ernest to pick me up at home so as not to arouse my Mum’s suspicions as I had told her I was going to spend some days at Juliet, another friend of mine’s place. I was to meet Ernest at his place before driving down.

    I had taken my bath and was getting dressed when Estel, my cousin ran into my room, full of excitement.

    “Sister, come quickly! Uncle Barri has come!” she cried.

    “Who?” I asked, turning from the dressing mirror.

    “Uncle Barri! Your husband! He’s here in the house, in the sitting room!” she said quickly.

    “What are you talking about? This girl, are you sure you are alright? Or have you been stealing Daddy’s brandy again?” I queried.

    “I’m serious, Sister. Just come and see,” she said.

    “It had better be real or you will be in serious trouble today,” I threatened as I followed her out of my room to the parlour. I knew it could not be Barri as I had spoken to him two days before and he had given no hint that he was coming.

    But standing right in the middle of the parlour was my dear, long gone husband, a broad smile on his face and his arms opened wide…

    ***

    “But Sweetheart, you should have told me you were coming. We would have come to pick you up at the airport,” I said some time later after some of the excitement at his unexpected arrival had died down.

    He laughed and pinched my nose playfully.

    “I wanted to surprise you and by God, I succeeded. You looked as if you had seen a ghost when you saw me earlier. Ha ha ha!” he laughed.

    “You sure did. You were the last person I was expecting to see,” I said cuddling up close to him on the couch.

    “Truth is I missed you so much, Babe. So, I rescheduled some of the appointments I had and here I am,” he said, kissing me on the forehead.

    “Thank God you did. I missed you too. It’s been so lonely without you,” I stated.

    “I know. I’m here now. This time, I ‘m taking you with me so we will never be separated again,” he promised.

    I smiled at his words and held him tightly to me.

    “Uncle Bari, what about my gifts? I hope you didn’t forget to bring something for me,” said Estel.

    “Of course not. I have lots of goodies for you and every one else including my Baby here,” he said turning to me and drawing me close.

    I smiled again. The only gift I wanted Bari, had arrived so unexpectedly making me deliriously happy. I didn’t need anything else. Perhaps, it was Santa’s gift to me, to make up for all the years of separation and loneliness. Now I know that sometimes, dreams and wishes do come true, even for sceptics like me who don’t believe in fairytales like Santa Claus…

    The End

    Send comments/suggestions to 08054701481 (SMS only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com. Follow us on Twitter @Escapades007. You can also log on at truelifestoriesng.blogspot.com

    We have changed the names of Bella, her husband and other individuals in the story to protect their identities.

  • How to make up after a quarrel

    I HAVE a challenge, and this has to do with how to make up after a quarrel. Please, I need your counsel. Thanks.

    Gbenga, Lagos.

     

    The ability to make up after a quarrel is extremely important in sustaining a relationship. While some people find it easy to make up and move on, others might find it very difficult. No matter how bad the case may be, there are many different ways of making up after a fight and some of them are as follows:  Learn to discuss the issue openly and freely, expressing your feelings and expectations calmly to the person involved, Also look underneath the argument, try to identify the root of the problem that might have caused this bitter reaction. For instance, issue like when someone feels that he/she is being taken for granted.

    You feel unappreciated, taken advantage of, perhaps used as a tool, so avoid sweeping the issue under the carpet without talking about it.  Not talking about the issue can prolong the argument and any negative feelings you may hold. Because we have different ways of dealing with hurt, if you feel that you are hurt badly and you need time to calm down and think. Do so but let it be for a short period of time. That we are angry does not mean that we should love the person less, but instead it will be nice to condemn the action carried out not the person.

    Self-assessment is another aspect that we must tackle in dealing with making up. People are sometime quick to blame the other person, forgetting that it takes two hands to clap, for example. Accepting that you are partly responsible for the quarrel as well can be of great help to him down well with the other person.

    Pride is another aspect that must be mentioned. You must not allow your pride to prevent you from telling yourself the honest truth about the part or role you played as well that led to the quarrel. Learn not to allow your despair to prevent you from mending the relationship at least for the sake of peace to reign. In most cases, things might not be the same again after a bitter quarrel. Time, they say, heals  wound. Never mind it is natural but gradually your relationship will come out stronger for some reasons. Relationships come out smoother after argument sometimes because now the parties involved have a better understanding of their likes and dislikes, boundaries are set and respect becomes the watch- word. The step to make up after a bitter quarrel is to learn to overcome the common question of why do I have to make the first move ? Thoughts like this do not get you any way. Making up helps you as a person, likewise your offender. The person who understands the benefit of reconciliation takes the initiative without any expectation from the other person.

    Further step is not to dwell on the bad. After a bitter quarrel with a friend, for example, it is easy to feel wrong and hurt, but the most important thing in the midst of all the happenings is to actually try to remember whatever good qualities your friend has. Even after the bitter quarrel, don’t forget the care and likeness you both shared. An argument or disagreement should not be allowed to change that.

    Apology is very key in a situation like this. Some people find it very difficult to apologise when they are at fault. Learn not to allow your pride take the better part of you. After self-assessment and you know that you are in the wrong, whether by action or words, it is important that you apologise. Avoid trying to rationalize or justify your behaviour or making excuses for it.

    At the same time, don’t apologise just to move past the argument. If you honestly don’t believe you have done anything wrong, you should calmly explain that to your friend. But take good care to make sure that is really the case.  In addition, learn from the bitter argument. It is vital to take something from an argument.

    May be you suddenly recognize in yourself some behaviour you want to change or you have noticed things that your friend is sensitive to. The fact that you have this issue with your friend or family member does not mean the end of the relationship. It is important to make amends after an argument in order to move on and get back to being good friends. In so doing, you strengthen your friendship. Making peace with friends after a fight is an important step to maintaining harmonious and happy relationship between the both of you. It is always good to resolve any lasting anger and address it rather than let it fester.

    Listening attentively in the process of making up must not be left out. Make sure you listen carefully to what is being said by your friend. Read his or her body language and make sure your body language is not communicating something else. When sorting out issues, with your friend listens when he or she is giving his own explanation, don’t start thinking about what you are going to say next, but listen to your friend, so you can understand where he or she really stands.

    Situation may not have been as they appeared and there’s always room to learn. Finally, bear in mind that there are always three sides to every story: yours, theirs and the truth, so don’t look at your side only. See the other side as well.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • How to spice up your sex life

    DEAR Harriet, I am one of your greatest fans. I look forward to The Nation newspaper every Saturday. Thanks a lot for helping relationships with your counselling.

    I recently turned 50.To my greatest surprise, my darling husband came with a surprise gift with a note attached, saying that he wants us to spice up our sex life.

    I am grateful for all that he did on my birthday. My husband is really my soulmate and we love each other very much, but with this note, I am worried. To tell you the honest truth, I am a bit reluctant when it comes to sex.

    Could it be my age or that our sex life has turned boring suddenly?  If so, what should I do?  Thanks.

    Name withheld. Lagos

     

    Happy birthday! 50 years on earth is not a joke. That God gave you the grace is worth celebrating. May God continue to bless you and your family.

    We are grateful that you gave us the permission to publish your story without mentioning your name. Thanks a lot.

    This article is for the matured minds. I offer my apology because I know I have a lot of youths who read my column.

    It is the story of people like you that help others in similar situations.

    Based on the above, it is clear that you married your best friend, and that there is love between you and your husband. Love conquers all odds in marriage. It is out of love that spouses open up their hearts to each other without any hard feelings.

    Yes, you are worried because questions like: Why did he choose to say such a thing on my birthday that I am supposed to be celebrating? Has he been nursing this thought all the while? Or is our intimacy so bad? The kind of relationship that exists between you and your husband goes to show that his question is in good faith. Women who are married to men that speak their minds freely, especially when it comes to matters of the heart in marriage should be grateful to God. Some men have gone astray by keeping quiet. Be glad that your husband called your attention to a special aspect in marriage that is breaking homes today. Asking for improvement is really not a bad idea. . Instead of getting worried or feeling insulted, see it as a reminder to re-examine the bedroom status quo. Moreover, that he still wants you at 50 is a thing of joy. Like the saying goes, life starts at 50, so embrace the idea with him and work at it. Age is in the mind, so work on the way you see yourself, feel young and not old.

    Your perception about yourself is what will play out when you are in bed with your husband. Sex is meant for couples. So, flow with your husband.  There are some useful tips to help your situation. To spice up your marriage does not necessary mean that there is no romance in the marriage. It is a way of adding or bringing back excitement in the marriage. The initial step is work on your mood. Your state of mind will definitely affect your performance in bed. If at the back of your mind you see the act of intimacy with your husband as a bother, then you will be reluctant to show any affection. Learn to relax your mind without worries. Have a free heart to discuss whatever is bothering you with your spouse because when you have unsolved issues, they can affect your mood, and, for some women, the older they are, the moodier they become because of the hormonal changes. You can work on it.  Another way to spice up your intimacy in marriage is to learn to adopt the teasing attitude. This is one of the best avenues to steer up your sexual relationship, and romance is the major factor in this aspect. A lot of couples have kicked out good romance out of their marriage windows. Share compliment should also be put into action. Couples should learn to compliment each other. It doesn’t matter your age. Tell your spouses how great they look with or without clothes on. Learn to be nice to each other, not just at bedtime,but from the beginning of the day. Make it a habit to treat each other with respect, love and care. This helps to improve your level of intimacy with your spouse. Next step is to get connected. Nothing is sexier than reigniting the chemistry between couples. Remind each other some of the aspects that made you fall in love with him or her with eye contact full of appreciation, and the sexual spark of your marriage will be reignited.  In addition, learn to be spontaneous. Couples should try to do something unexpected. For example, send your spouse a nice text message. Take your spouse out for a meal. Get him or her something.  The thought is what matters, not the amount spent. Who says you cannot look or feel sexy ladies. Get out of your comfort zone outfit and wear something sexy which will make you irresistible. Surprise each other once in a while.  Furthermore, schedule time together. You plan everything else that is important. After all, you got married to your spouse because you loved each other. Time alone together was important when you were dating. Therefore, it is just as vital now that you are married.

    Finally, make sex a priority. As I mentioned earlier, adjust your mindset; understand that sex is for both of you.  It is a great way to reduce stress, feel closer to each other and even get a good night’s sleep which you need.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • She took my son away, claiming I was not the father (3)

    AS you can imagine, I was in a very bad state of mind that period, not knowing where my boy was or his mother’s intention of taking him away like that. What could she be up to, I kept wondering.

    Some days after my son’s disappearance, I was contemplating reporting the matter to the police when Julia called me on phone and dropped the bombshell that has turned my world upside…

    “There’s something very important I need to tell you, Sunny. So, you need to calm down and stop shouting! My ears are beginning to ache!” Julia said.

    “Calm down, you say! You go to Eddy’s school and virtually kidnap him, hide him for days and you are not even remorseful! What kind of woman are you?” I said angrily. I was really mad at her. It was a good thing, we were not physically together, or I am sure I would have done something bad to her.

    “Look, Sunny, I can’t keep up with this charade anymore. It’s time you learnt the truth. About Eddy,” she said.

    “What are you talking about? Hope you’ve not done anything to my boy!” I warned her.

    “Eddy’s fine. The thing is, I’ve taken Eddy to his real home, to his father,” she stated.

    “What rubbish are you babbling now, Julia? Are you drunk or what?” I said.

    “I know I drink. But I’m sober now. I know you will find this painful, Sunny, but the truth is, you are not Eddy’s father!”

     

    ***

    Julia’s confession was like a bomb that shattered the fabric that held my life together. It was a vicious blow below the belt, one that I have not recovered from over a year after the incident. Initially, I refused to believe Julia was serious about her claims concerning Eddy. I thought she was simply playing some kind of sick game with me.

    But when the initial uproar had died down, a DNA test was conducted which confirmed that Eddy was actually not mine! Imagine the shock of finding out that the boy I had raised for over eight years with such love and care, expended so much on, turning out to belong to another man!

    “It was the result of a fling I had while you were away in Abuja for that ministry contract, where you stayed for over a month,” Julia had stated calmly.

    What hurt more than anything was that she knew all along that Eddy was not my biological son, but she kept it a secret all these years. What kind of woman does that? A devil woman, a Jezebel you might say and you will not be wrong.

    The only consolation in this messy situation is Eddy. The boy, though so young is very smart.

    Despite what had happened, he still calls me ‘Daddy’ and told me something sometime ago that eased some of the pain in my aching heart.

    “No matter what happens, you’ll always be my father. Today and forever. I love you Daddy!”

    Indeed, Eddy and I have a special bond, that no DNA test can break!

    The End

     

    Send comments/suggestions to 08054701481 (SMS only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com. Follow us on Twitter @Escapades007. You can also log on at truelifestoriesng.blogspot.com

  • She took my son away, claiming I was not the father (2)

    I GOT home that evening to find Julia lying on the living couch, looking dejected.

    “Is anything the matter, Julia? You look unwell,” I said, sitting down besides her. Wordlessly, she handed me a piece of paper.

    It was a pregnancy test. I glanced at it in surprise as it was so unexpected.

    “When did you do this?” I asked her.

    “Today. My period is late and I’ve been feeling ill lately. So, I went for a test,” she explained.

    “So, what do you want to do now?”

    “What else? Get rid of it,” she stated bluntly.

    “What? You can’t just do that,” I said.

    “Why not? I’m the one carrying this baby; I decide what happens to it,” she maintained.

    “That’s where you are wrong. It’s mine too, so I have a stake in it,” I reminded her.

    “So, are you saying I should have this baby? I’m still in school, remember!” she said.

    The argument went on for sometime with me insisting she should keep the pregnancy. Though unplanned and I was not expecting to be a father yet, I liked the idea of her having the baby. I did not have plans of settling down with Julia for certain reasons but with a baby involved, who knows. Anything could happen.

    Thanks to my mother’s intervention, Julia changed her mind. Mother had a long talk with her,

    stating that it was a taboo to abort in our family, insisting “we keep all our babies.”

    That was how Julia had my son, whom we named Edward. My mother came over to help look after the baby as Julia, being a first time Mum could not cope alone. Julia, an only child, was an orphan, her parents having died when she was still quite young. She had been brought up by her uncle and aunty till she finished secondary school when she started living on her own.

    Runaway mother

    As I stated earlier, Julia abandoned my son with mother when the boy was about six months old. I had returned from a business trip to Abuja one day to meet an empty house. Julia had left, stating she wanted to return to school to complete her degree programme.

    She had mentioned it some weeks before, but I had advised her to wait till Eddie was weaned.

    Now, she just left without even waiting for me to return home. I was not happy at her action and I told her so when I spoke with her on phone.

    “The baby’s still too young to leave with Mama. How could you do that? You have to come back,” I said.

    “Come back for what? Look, Sunny, I have my life to live, ok? I had to put my life on hold just to have this baby. Now, you want me to sit down at home and play ‘baby-nurse? I’m too young for all this responsibility. My mates are out there having fun and I’m stuck in the house playing mummy. That life is not for me,” she stated.

    She refused to listen to reason, stating that she was moving on with her life, ‘so she can start living again,’ as she put it.

    That left the responsibility of raising the baby to my mother. She really tried. She and my younger sister Morin. Without their support, I don’t know how I would have coped bringing up a child on my own with running my business and other commitments.

    After Julia left, I moved on with my life. I dated other ladies till about a year ago when I met Gloria, a nurse whom I’m presently engaged to. We plan to marry soon and start a family.

    It was in the midst of all these that the unexpected happened. Julia came and virtually  kidnapped my son, the boy that she basically abandoned for so long.

    After my mother told me what happened at Eddy’s school, how Julia came and took him away, I tried contacting her but she was unavailable.

    I even went to her school to look for her. She was not there and neither of her friends that I met knew where she was.

    “I saw her last over two months ago. She doesn’t come to school regularly,” stated one of her course mates that I knew.

    I was in a very bad state of mind that period, not knowing where my boy was or his mother’s intention of taking him away like that. What could she be up to, I kept wondering.

    Some days after my son’s disappearance, I was contemplating reporting the matter to the police when Julia called me and dropped the bombshell that has turned my world upside…

    To be continued

     

    Send comments/suggestions to 08054701481 (SMS only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com. Follow us on Twitter @Escapades007. You can also log on at truelifestoriesng.blogspot.com

  • How to use reward as motivation

    I WOULD like to reward my child, but I don’t want to spoil her or give her the impression that every time she accomplishes something, she deserves a treat. What is the best way to do it? Also how can I use rewards to change bad behaviour?

    Mr. CY, Lagos

     

    Many parents like you battle constantly with crossing the fine line between providing motivation to and spoiling our children with rewards (treats and gifts). This poses an even greater problem for more privileged families who have the means to afford those grander treats that are guaranteed to delight even the most conservative child. The problem with giving material rewards, however, is that like an addictive drug , their effects lessen with continued use and so, you have to keep increasing the dosage with time. Today, it is a trip to an eatery  or a shopping mall; tomorrow, it is a vacation abroad. The stakes get higher as the child gets older and you either run out of rewards, or your child might now run out of appreciation as well. In most cases, she starts expecting such grand rewards as her right for being a good girl. Indeed, there are schools of thought in the field of education that completely oppose the reward system. In Montessori education, for example, the belief is that the accomplishment of good deed/work should be its own reward and that we must bring up our children to imbibe the mentality of deriving sufficient fulfilment from successful completion of task, such that they don’t feel the need for further self-gratification. Whilst this is a most desirable trait worthy of encouragement in our children, social rewards are healthy part of family relationships and should always be put into consideration before any other. For instance, invest in hugs, smiles, nods, a pat on the back and praise. If like you say, you don’t want your child to have the impression that she deserves a treat every time she does well, then it is time to look into the  solution, surely it is to restrict treats and make it occasionally. In addition, any time you reward your child, tell him the reason why you have decided to show appreciation. Let the child know that it is because of this or that action or performance. Be specific with your reward. As a result, the child will then have a better understanding for your action. Children generally love to be appreciated. They cherish reward a lot and it gives them the zeal to do more. Once you reward for the right reason, you are really not spoiling the child. Instead, you are telling your child that you believe in her and also encouraging her to do more. Rewarding has a way of turning situation for good; it should not be seen as bribe which some people interpret it to be. Reward help to boost some children’s low self esteem, especially those struggling with personality issue for example. Children feel more confident when they know that their parents appreciate their efforts and this help to build their self esteem.

    Moreover, why do some parents often shy away from letting their children know that they can’t always afford their notoriously costly reward requests? We should know that as parents, we can only give what we have. Yes, children sometime or rather most times want everything with the notion that mummy and daddy are capable. It is the duty of the parents to give reward in the right amount, in the right way, for the right things. In addition, keep it useful and simple. A visit to a friend, a book of their choice and so on are appropriate.

    As for using rewards to change bad behaviour, first step is to educate your child on what you consider as bad behavior. In other words, explain youer dos and don’ts which I suppose every family has. Our values are different, so it is better for your children to understand your family values in order to be on the same page.

    If you always reward them for doing well at school, but never for good behaviour, what does that tell them about your values? A lot of parents forget to reward their children for behaving well because they take it for granted. Children want to feel that you notice their action.

    Next, you make her understand that she should take responsibility for her action. If she is of bad behaviour in school, she will have to lose a few of her cherished privileges at home such as watching television on weekends or something you know she appreciates.

    Learn to be consistent as a parent and stick to your own rules, so she knows you cannot be manipulated. Good luck!

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj