The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • What to do when your partner is emotionally distant

    DEAR Harriet, My wife gave me the shock of my life last week when she told me that I no longer satisfy her emotionally and that we are living together but very distant.  We have been married for ten years with two wonderful children. I am worried and disturbed. Please, I need your advice on dealing with our emotional situation. Thanks 

    Mr. Wale O.  Lekki

    Thanks for sharing your story. Every marriage has its own challenges, but the beauty of the union is when couples are open to one another about issues affecting them, dealing with the challenges become easier.

    Therefore, your wife coming out openly to discuss her feelings is a good thing instead of keeping silent or pretending that all is well when in the real sense, all is not well, and this can lead to other problems in the home, if not treated properly. So see the situation as a good thing. Do not worry. Let your heart not be disturbed. Everything will be just fine.

    As some relationships grow, spouses or partners are faced with daily work stress and other responsibilities. They might start spending less time together as they use to, or that they actually spend time together, but there is this feeling of emptiness and loneliness.

    When a person starts experiencing this feeling with their spouse or partner, if not addressed properly can give room to other issues that can affect the relationship or marriage.    However, here are some useful tips that might help you to tackle emotionally distance in relationships.

    Self-evaluation: Personal check is necessary from time to time because it helps partner or spouse to know what he or she is doing right or wrong. Then, the next step to take is to have a conversation with your partner or spouse about your observations where you feel you might not be meeting up, reason for the challenges you are encountering and how you feel it could be affecting your emotional aspect of the relationship, seek her opinion on the issue as well then try to work on it together.

    Make each other a priority: To deal with emotional disconnection with your partner or spouse is to learn to put your spouse on the top of your list. A lot of complaints surface when people are married after being very close before marriage, for example “if only I was important to him or her” or he /she does not pay attention to me anymore.

    Most of us take good care of their possessions like cars, houses, shoes, jewellery, bags than our relationships. For some, not that they don’t care, but they just assume that their spouses should understand or that they know that they care and love them dearly with or without showing it.

    The truth is that most couples or long time friends often take one another for granted. May be because they assume to know each other so well that even what matters or interests their spouse or partner is given little or no attention any more, forgetting that could be the reason while the person is in the relationship and that if such is not taken care of the relationship might stop working.

    In order to deal with emotional distant partner or spouse, you must make each other feels special and needed. Learn to show care and concern about issues that troubles him or her. This can be challenging mostly when you have obligations to fulfil, not withstanding little steps can be taken to improve intimacy in relationship.

    In addition, try to remember your initial attraction to one another. Who said it is too late or that you are too old?  Think about it, if possible, list them out. It is only when you quietly reflect on those things that you will start feeling again, so build on the feelings and respond to your partner or spouse in a positive way.

    Compliment plays a great role as well, take note of little details and show appreciation. Thank you, you look very nice today or I like your hair style and so on go a long way in keeping spouses or partners connected. Be spontaneous in expressing your love to one another, touching and kissing give a sense of being loved and appreciated dearly. Create time to spend quality time with each other without any distraction. Enjoying good moment together can help your feel connected again.

    Avoid negative criticism: Learn to correct with love. Control your temper, if you get angry easily. Avoid verbal abuse. Spoken words can either make or destroy a relationship. You can destroy your spouse or partner both physically or emotionally by what you say to them.  For example, if a spouse is constantly talking down on his /her spouse, thereby killing her self-esteem, making her feel worthless or less important, the outcome is that the person involved will start pulling away gradually.

    Furthermore, learn not to switch off on your spouse or partner when issues are being discussed. This is a bit common for some people.  They dismiss or pay little attention to matters they feel are not important, forgetting that what you regard as irrelevant can be relevant to the other person.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

     

     

     

     

     

  • A corper’s escapades (3)

    ANYWAY, as I got more involved with Shade, my relationship with IB took a back seat. I still cared about her but it was not the same as before. Shade was the one on my mind all the time and I always looked forwards to being with her.

    We continued to see each other regularly in secret until she suggested we should go public with our relationship. It was about two months before the end of the service year. I was amazed at how time had passed so quickly and the one year service programme was drawing to a close.

    “Soon, your youth service will end and you’ll leave Adura. What will happen to me then? I’ll come with you to Lagos! I’ll tell my father about us, that we love each other and we want to be together!” she said.

    We were at one of our regular rendezvous points in the state capital where we had spent the night.

    “You can’t do that, Shade! At least not now. What about your fiancé?”

    “Forget him! I don’t love him. I barely tolerate him. He’s proud and full of himself just because he’s a Prince. He doesn’t own me! I’ll tell my father I’m no longer keen on marrying Dayo. It’s you I want to be with,” she stated.

    But I knew it would not be as easy as she put it. From what I had heard, such long-standing engagements were often difficult to break as there were other people and interests involved not just the couple alone.

    “Don’t do anything rash for now as that might create more problems for us. The best thing is let me finish my service here, then let’s see what happens from there,” I advised.

    “Ok, darling. As long as you don’t run away to Lagos and leave me all alone here. You know I can’t live without you. You are my life now,” she said, hugging me tightly.

    I kissed her, reassuring her that we will work out a way so we could be together. Already, a plan was formulating in my head as a way out of our situation.

    How was I to know that events were about to unfold that would render whatever plans I had useless and make me scamper for my life…

    ***

    “Francis, you mean all this was going on and you didn’t tell me? I thought we were friends!” Ebuka stated, sounding upset. I had just told him about Shade and I and the plans I was making for us.

    “I’m truly sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. But we had to keep it top secret because of the situation- you know Shade has a fiancé, a Prince. Abeg no vex!” I pleaded with him.

    That calmed him down a bit.

    “So, all this while you said you were travelling to Lagos to see your parents, it was the girl you were with. Francis, you are a real bad guy o!” he stated, hitting me playfully on the shoulder.

    “Anyway, I don’t blame you. That girl fine no be small,” he added.

    “So, what are your plans for now?” he queried some time later.

    I shrugged.

    “I intend travelling out to do my Masters degree. I’m hoping Shade will come join me so she can attend school over there as well,” I told him. That was the tentative plan we had at the moment. But its success was based on Shade being able to extricate herself from her engagement with Prince Dayo.

    And that would depend on her father and Dayo’s father too. Would they give their consent to Shade calling off the engagement or would there be opposition? What about Dayo? What would be his reaction when he finds out his fiancé had fallen for someone else and no longer wanted him?

    We both knew there were challenges ahead but we never envisaged how tough it was going to be.

     

     

     

  • How to stitch a broken heart (2)

    IN continuation with last week article, we will be looking at more tips on how to get over the sudden break-up of a long time relationship; some of our saddest moments are when we experience broken relationships. Whether it is between siblings, husband and wife, friends, broken relationships can mean broken heart. In addition to certain points that were mentioned last week, here are the tips to help you get beyond the pain and move on.

    Stop the blaming game. Her putting an end to the relationship is not your fault; it is her decision. According to your story, although we are not fortunate to hear her own version, you love her selflessly and you did everything within your reach to make her happy because you saw her as your wife, so try not to be too hard on yourself; accept that the relationship was not meant to be.

    I know it can be very difficult sometimes, but the truth of the matter is that you must move on, thinking may be if you have done things otherwise is not going to change anything because she has moved on, all the calls or text messages she is sending to you is not to get back with you, but for you to see her as a friend not an enemy.

    Next step is defining your real intention. There are two important questions you must ask yourself. Are you trying to move past the break-up, or are you hoping to get back with your ex? You must know what you want in order to move on.   Another way to move on is to avoid every form of communication with your ex, no matter how tempted you are. If possible, try not to take her calls, or delete her messages.

    Don’t make her a topic for discussion among friends, especially when you are with friends who are friends with her as well. Don’t embarrass yourself or put yourself in situation where you will look back and feel humiliated. Come out with your head high. Broken heart is not the end of love in your life. You will love again with the right person at the right time.

    Avoid going into another relationship right away so that you can be sure of what you want, instead of using the person to fill in the gap or emptiness you feel as a result of the break-up.  This is one of the greatest challenges people who are brokenhearted encounter. It will be nice to give yourself time to heal properly from the pain.

    However, make the best out of the situation by occupying your mind. Get busy doing what you wish to achieve in order to improve yourself, instead of sitting thinking about how it was and how it should have been. Learn from the break-up and be a better person. Take the whole thing as a wake-up call and get moving.

    Let the attachment or connection go, like the saying goes “never allow someone to be your priority, while allowing yourself to be their option”. Care for you because the person hurting here is you, not your girlfriend. Conserve your energy for those who deserve it, beginning with yourself. Get support; take away the worries of how you are going to face your family members and friends who know the closeness of your relationship with her.

    This is when you need the help of your true friends and family members.  So talk to them, be specific about where you want them to come in. For example, may be you will like to be in their company socialising.  Or consider visiting a counsellor if you feel the situation is beyond you. Get help immediately if you are feeling depressed.

    Do not misinterpret the end of a relationship as meaning you are somehow not enough. At times, people do not have the ability to offer others the type of affection and care they need or deserve. It is their issue not yours. You should be perfectly lovable just the way you are. Know that this phase will pass away some day.

    Finally, you must allow forgiveness; when you are hurt by someone, you love and trust. You might become angry, sad, or confused. If you dwell on the painful event or situation, grudges filled with resentment, vengeance and hostility can take root. If you allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, you might find yourself swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.

    Forgiveness brings a kind of peace that helps you go on with life. Learn to trust again; there is no question that break-ups can be painful and it might be tough to trust and love again, this might sound impossible.  Whenever you get involved in a relationship, you know there is a risk. Don’t let a bad experience keep you from living your life to the fullest. You can go through life loving and laughing.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Re: Violence in Relationships

    IN the penultimate week and the one before, I wrote about the contentious issue of Violence in Relationships, and spoke about some of the effects on the individual, their partners, families, and even the society.

    Only last week, a colleague told me the story of a female cop whose husband had successfully abused their three daughters, all under the age of fifteen. When she discovered, she left him and proceeded to seek redress in the legal system. Surprise, surprise, the woman was vilified by friends and family for taking the man to court. Even worse was the fact that the abuser was actually pressing buttons from the police net to quash the case. The case died a natural death, just like many like it.

    If the truth be told, Nigerians have an uncanny habit of protecting evil under the guise of stuff like culture, and “What will people say?” Even worse is the fact that more often not, abusers don’t simply stop with their partners, many go on to abuse children; sometimes theirs, the children of partners, friends, and family members, not to mention neighbourhood kids. When they are caught, and the aggrieved parents of the victim seek redress in the legal system, they are harangued for doing so, being told, “after all, they have begged you.” When will we begin to protect ourselves, and our children from sick people who need to be locked away permanently; for their sake and that of the society? The responses I received from some quarters about my articles on Violence in Relationships, buttress that fact, enjoy.

     

    Hello Jane, I love your thoughts on violence in relationships. It is barbaric and unacceptable. Couples should exercise patience, understanding, and restriction so as to avoid violence in relationships. Ibitoye, 08033530289.

     

    About your write-up; four reasons to leave an abusive relationship. Hope you have left your husband? That is if you are married? It does appear that you are a gender jerk, and a separatist. 07069689551

     

    Response

    Dear Sir/madam, it is actually for everyone. Abusers occur in both sexes, although I don’t advocate divorce, I believe that such people need help so that their loved ones can be safe. P.S. Just in case you abuse your spouse, please seek help.

     

    Good afternoon, I live in Abuja. I am a reader of the Nation, and would like to speak with you. Your last article in last Saturday’s Nation spoke about my wife and I. We have a lot to talk about, please text me the best time to call you. Thanks. FF, Abuja

  • Coping with relationship break-ups

    DEAR Harriet, I was in some relationships that didn’t work out. So I vowed never to be used and dumped again by any man. For some years, I concentrated on my career, so that I could be somebody in life. To the glory of God, I am doing what I love to do and life is good. A few months ago, I met this guy at my best friend’s wedding and we have been talking on the phone. He is my kind of person in a way, but my fear is that I will not be able to give in to his sexual demands because of my experience. I want to keep myself for marriage. I need your counsel on what to do. Thanks.

    Tessy A., Lagos.

     

    Thanks a lot for sharing your story. Every experience in life is a lesson to make us better. I must commend you for taking the necessary steps to improve yourself in respect of the happenings around you.  It takes a brave heart to do so, well done.

    First, you have to know that your past relationships had come and gone. This one is different, so it will be nice if you keep an open mind to start with. Learn to see him for who he is. Expecting him to think, feel and act the same as you only sets you up for disappointment, frustration and conflict.

    To come in tune with personality differences speaks a lot in relationship, bearing in mind that we have our strengths and weaknesses. Therefore, avoid assumption so that you can have a better understanding of his expectations in the relationship.

    Easy communication is one aspect that must not be neglected. Feel free to talk with him about your values, priorities, beliefs, expectations and fears. Tell him about yourself. Let him see you for who you are and what you stand for, so there is no surprises anywhere.

    Trust me, if he really loves you and wants to have a good relationship with you that might move to another level in time to come, he will appreciate you more for being truthful to him. The reason why I put my statement in this form is simply because I don’t want you to start seeing him as your husband. You just met him and the relationship is a bit early to start thinking along the line of marriage when he has not proposed to you. Get to know each other’s likes and dislikes.

    This is a common mistake some singles make and end up with a broken heart. Don’t act as a wife until you are made one.  Interaction is very important in a relationship and it must be encouraged. Note that communication is incomplete, if the act of listening is not taken into consideration.

    Furthermore, replace your fearful thoughts. The fact is that your former relationships will flash back from time to time, but you must learn not to allow them take control of your present relationship. Always remind yourself that you are over them and that you are in control of your emotions now. Who says you cannot love again? Someone will love and cherish you for who you are, so keep an open door. Fill your thoughts with positivity.

    Next is to work on forgiving yourself; you might think you made the biggest mistake in the past and if only you didn’t allow it, you wouldn’t be having fears right now. Keep in mind that you are human. You are entitled to make mistakes. Everyone does, but you have used the lessons to improve yourself, so be blameless and appreciate yourself.

    Moreover, there is another important aspect we must not overlook that is the grieving period of your past relationships; you might be wondering what has that got to do with it, a lot I must say. Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, so it must be grief for you to be able to move on.

    First you are shocked and in denial. You don’t believe it’s over and you hold out hope. Next you feel hurt and guilty, with the thoughts that may be if you have done things differently. Then, you feel angry and even start bargaining, if not controlled properly, loneliness and depression might set in but as you go through all these natural feelings, healing start to take place gradually. Eventually you start accepting what happened and shift your focus from the past to the future. Finally embrace impermanence; nothing in life lasts forever.

    Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course. The best way to embrace impermanence is to translate it into action. Treat each day as life; find little things to gain instead of dwelling on the past. Relationship is an investment like a bank account- what you put is what you get. There are no hard and fast rules, certainly no guarantees, but the above tips can serve as a useful aid in starting a new relationship.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • A corper’s escapades (1)

    ‘My boy, you can lust after anything in life- money, cars, women, properties, food- but never, ever lust after another man’s wife!’ (advice from my father at age 16)

    ***

    MAYBE, if I had listened to my father, I would be a free man today. Not hiding like a common fugitive in a foreign country with an uncertain future and a present filled with fear. Fear for my life as there is a price on my head from a vicious, wicked man who wants me dead.

    Now, what have I done that someone would desire my head? Good question. It was lust or rather love (as romance writers would put it) that is to blame for my travails…

    ***

    My troubles began a few years ago when I was posted to a small town for my National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) programme. When I found out the state where I was to spend the next one year of my life, I became very sad.

    You see, I’m a city boy born and bred. Apart from the holiday periods as a child when my siblings and I had gone to the village to stay with our grandmother, I’ve lived in Lagos most of my life. So, the thought of staying outside the big city, in the countryside for that matter filled me with dread.

    But since, one cannot influence posting (unless your parents are top people in society and have influence or ‘long leg’), you go where the almighty Federal government sends you to.

    “I don’t understand why you are grumbling,” said my father when he heard where I was to serve. “I served in Sokoto State in 1979; in fact, I was posted to a border town close to Niger Republic, a sandy place with few trees like a desert yet I survived. You young people these days are spoilt and lazy!” he added.

    Since I knew my father, a lecturer in the university, would not lift a finger to get me reposted to my city of choice, Lagos or Port-Harcourt, I had no option but to pack my bag and head to the orientation camp. At the end of orientation, held in the capital of the State, I was sent to Adura  for my place of primary assignment. That was where I met Folashade. And my story begins…

    The country life

    Adura turned out to be a semi urban community, undecided whether to be part of the modern world or remain in olden times. You know the type of town with one main street or road passing through the centre with buildings flanking it on both sides? That’s Adura for you.

    I was to teach at one of the two secondary schools in the community, situated in the same premises with the Anglican church.

    I had arrived the school with Ebuka, a fellow Corper whom I met and bonded with at the orientation camp. We were both kitted out in the NYSC uniform- a white T shirt on khaki trousers with boots.

    After welcoming us to the school, the Principal, a middle aged man named Babson, later showed us our accommodation at the Corpers lodge. It was a small bungalow with about seven rooms with outdoor bathroom and toilet facilities.

    “Ol’ boy! Na real village we dey so!” I said in pidgin English after checking out the basic facilities in the lodge.

    “What were you expecting? The Sheraton Hotel?” said Ebuka sarcastically.

    With the enthusiasm of youth, we settled down in our new environment and with time, began to enjoy our stay. Life in the community was a totally different world from what I was used to.

    Most of the people were rural folks whose main occupation was farming, hunting, fishing in the river nearby and mat weaving.

    These activities occupied their time during the day till they returned home in the evening. Some of the men would later gather at one of the few drinking joints or bars in the town to unwind and hear the latest gist circulating.

    The most popular of these was Iya Akin’s Bar. It was nothing fancy- just an open structure roofed with raffia palm under which were arranged some wooden tables and benches. What drew most of her customers to the bar was her palm-wine.

    It was always fresh, foamy and delicious; straight from the palm tree not the sour, diluted variety you get in cities like Lagos and Ibadan.

    Besides the drinks which included beer, stout and other beverages, she sold a variety of delicacies like spiced snails, bushmeat, fried chicken and fresh fish pepper soup. The later was my favourite which I often washed down with my favourite bottle of beer.

    With time, my friends and I became regulars at Iya Akin’s bar. It was where we socialised with the townsfolk. Most of them treated us with a lot of respect because of our education and exposure to the outside world.

    Anyway, it was at through that bar that I came in contact with the lady that would lead to so much trouble for me.

    Ebuka and I were at bar one evening, having fun when two men came to us. They were dressed in identical ankara outfits, with one of them holding what looked like a staff of office. I noticed that most of the customers greeted the men in a deferential manner.

    The taller of the two, who had some tribal marks on his face addressed us.

    “Who among you is the youth corper teaching English at the Secondary school?” he enquired.

    I studied him briefly then said:

    “Who wants to know?”

    “The Baale. He wants an audience with him,” he said promptly.

    Ebuka and I exchanged glances.

    “I’m Francis. The English teacher. Is there any problem?”” I queried, wondering what was going on.

    The man shook his head and smiled a little.

    “Don’t be afraid. The Baale doesn’t bite. You’ll find out when we get there,” the man stated reassuringly.

    As Ebuka and I followed the men to the Baale’s residence, some distance away at the other end of town, I kept wondering what was in store for us…

    What did the Baale want with Francis? Details next week!

    Names have been changed to protect the identities of the characters in the story.

     

    Send comments/suggestions to 08054701481 (SMS only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com. Follow us on Twitter @Escapades007 and on Facebook. You can also log in to truelifestoriesng.blogspot.com.

  • On love, violence and relationships

    IN the last week, since my article on violence in relationships, I have had texts from people on both sides of the divide; either for or against the notion. (As they called it in school back in the day.) One particular text from a person (Can’t tell if it’s a he or she) who castigated me for the article stood out. The person asked if I had left my husband. So this week, I will be clarifying my thoughts on the matter, and request more people send in their texts, and emails which will be posted the next week.

    1. As a married woman, I am thankful to God that I married to a man who would never raise a hand at me, and I would never dream of doing the same. Why? Because real adults are not expected to resort to violence to resolve issues. Living with a person who thinks it is their right to manhandle their partner for whatever reason is a definite no-no. Fear has no place in a relationship based on love. As I earlier said, it could lead to death at worst, and mental and emotional trauma for all parties involved, at the least.
    2. A person who physically, emotionally, or psychologically abuses a spouse or love interest is sick, and a menace to society. When he or she kills or maims his or her partner, he leaves the children and or family members of the abused traumatized. He or she also robs both the family, and the society of an important member of that family and society.
    3. It is not only men who beat up or abuse their wives, abusers are found in both sexes. I have seen women who beat their husbands, and men who abuse i.e. beat their wives. The widow spider syndrome is a case in point. This refers to a woman who kills her mate, just like the female widow spider eats the male while mating. And there have been serial murderers; both male and female who go as far as committing murder, not of strangers, but their spouses, and love interests, so the issue of abuse is not one to be taken lying low.
    4. In conclusion, I wish to conclude by unequivocally repeating what I told my castigator. I do not advocate divorce as a Christian, but when a relationship gets to the point when a man or woman becomes a punching bag, and constantly winds up in the hospital, the abused person needs to get out; even if for a while, while the abuser seek help for his problem. Why? So that the abused doesn’t end up being carried out of the relationship in a hearse, and the abuser end up in prison, or facing the hangman’s noose. And just as I asked my castigator, “Do you abuse i.e. beat your spouse or partner? If you do please seek help.”

    Comments on the topic will be appreciated.

  • How to protect children from sexual abuse

    DEAR Harriet, I am a father of three teenage daughters and a son of 21 years. The stories of abduction and sexual abuse which are rampant in our society today are really giving me cause for worry.  The recent case of Ese Oruru, a 14-year old girl, is an example.  Please, what advice can you give to parents on how to protect their children from abuse and how can parents help an abused child?

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    Thanks for your text message. It will interest you to know that you are not alone on this issue of abduction, violation or sexual abuse against children. Most of the messages received were same as yours.

    In today’s world, raising up children is not a piece of cake, nothing can prepare you for being a parent, it is an aspect of life that is most challenging. It tests your nerves, your emotion, your strength and at times your sanity. You start with the different stages of child development, just when you think you have got one phase of childhood cracked, they grow a bit older and it is a whole new game altogether.

    Some parents at this point get confused, not knowing how to relate with their children, some shy away from their responsibilities which make it difficult for them to understand their children, while some parents are in closer relationship with their children.

    As a result, they find it much easier to impact the necessary family values that they need to grow up as responsible adults which will be of great benefit to the society at large. Some people believe that parenting skills should come naturally, but sometimes we all need a bit of help. I suppose that is why parenting skills are something we learn, not something we are born with.

    Protecting children from abusers is to understand as a parent the forms of sexual abuse (touching and non-touching) and that abusers often do not use physical force but may use play, deception, threats or other forms of coercion to engage children and maintain their silence.

    Abusers, in most cases, are not strangers, but people that are close to the family. This information is necessary because only when you as a parent is knowledgeable about these issues that you can effectively relate it to your children. Like the saying goes, you can only give what you have.

    Talking to children early about sexuality, relationships and sex will help them to be able to face all the challenges that are related to it. Today’s children are exposed to so many information about sexuality, relationships and sex, so if parents don’t give the right information, they will definitely pick up messages from their friends, the internet , television and magazines.

    However, this information in most cases is misleading, inaccurate and confusing. Therefore, sex education remains an important job for parents. Research over time has showed that young people would like their mums, dads, or guardians to be the first person to talk to them about their body changes, feelings, relationship and sex.

    Parents should not leave their children without supervision as they relate with people. They should be taught how to set boundaries in interacting with people. Keep your doors open for discussion at all times and learn to be good listeners because children love it when you listen and trust them.

    Only with effective communication skill can you be able to guide and guard your children. Avoid talking down on them, but instead shower your children with love so that they don’t go seeking love outside the home. Hug them, praise them, build their self-confidence, encourage them to be bold and outspoken, not to be timid.

    Furthermore, child abuse can be very traumatic for the child and parents, and if not handle properly can affect the child in other aspects of life. Some people, for instance, behave in a certain way because of what happened to them when they were younger.

    Parents of a child who has gone through this horrible experience must understand that their help is highly needed for the healing and recovery of their child. This is not the time for blame and accusation. Yes, you will feel pain, you will ask yourself many questions without answer, but do they solve the issue at hand. The answer is no, so the way forward is to help the child pick up the pieces and learn to look forward to a better and brighter future.

    A clear understanding of how an abducted, violated or abused child feels after a traumatic experience will help the parents in supporting their child through the recovery process. Sexual abuse can be a lonely and frightening experience. Victims may be left feeling shocked, confused and overwhelmed. They might find themselves unprepared to deal with the many thoughts and emotions that arise.

    Some will find it difficult to sleep, eat, mingle with people. Life on its own might prove worthless; some feel detached from themselves while some will cease to find happiness in what they use to enjoy. These are normal reactions that parents must be aware of in order to have a clear picture of the situation.

    Seeking professional help is a good step to take as well because the counsellor will be able to take the victim through the necessary healing and recovery process which is very important. A lot has happened to the victim whether abducted or abused, so every help available must be given to restore normality in the life of the victim. Finally, parents must learn to report abused cases, no matter who is involved.

    We must make sure as parents that the abuser faces the law for his wicked act that was carried out on an innocent girl. The protection and care of children must be taken seriously by parents or guardians.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Four reasons you need to leave an abusive relationship

    IN the last couple of weeks I have had an ongoing battle in my head to write a piece about the scourge of violence in marital and amorous relationships in Nigeria. But I have been restrained by the thought of how it would be received, but the murder of Adebayo Oyelowo Oyediran Ajanaku; by his wife no less, helped me make up my mind. Like the late Layo, many Nigerians trapped in abusive relationships are unwilling or unable to get out or get help. Why? More often than not, the Nigerian society tacitly encourages the menace by excusing abusers and urging abused spouses or lovers to remain in the relationship to their peril. So why do I think it never pays to stay with an abuser? Read on.

    1. It is wrong. Nothing ever justifies violence against a lover or spouse, some men claim that their wives are rude, some women claim that their husband philander, and a thousand and one reasons, but guess what? The rod of correction is for the children in the house, not the mummy or daddy (as the case may be). The truth is that such people have problems controlling their tempers, and need help. Nothing will ever make beating your boy/girlfriend or spouse right. If you have a problem, sort it out, if you can’t, get out of the relationship fast, before you become a memory.
    2. It can lead to death or permanent injury. Abusive people are prone to uncontrollable rages. They are tragedies waiting to happen, oftentimes blaming their partners for provoking or inciting them to anger. Back to the woman who claimed to have stabbed her husband for having a child outside their marriage, rationally speaking as a Christian, and an African woman, it is nothing new, and does not justify murder. A sane woman would either accept the situation to save her marriage, or move on. Take your pick.
    3. It will never end. Cases abound of abusive husbands who beat their wives until the women land in hospital. And later blame such behaviour on the devil when they regain their senses. And so the women return to their abusers, hoping that the situation will change, and that the abuse will come to an end. The truth is that it never will, why? Because more often than not, abusers never change their behavior. It will only end when they break up or either party dies.
    4. It creates monsters. Human beings raise people like themselves, and that is one of the saddest things about the situation. Children born to such relationships abuse their spouses, and others end up with people who abuse them the way their parent was. I have seen men who hated their fathers for abusing their mothers; grow up to do the same thing even though they vowed never to do what their father did. The only way to break the ugly cycle is to get out, and get help. Abroad, the government provides counseling and shelters for abused women, but that is not the situation in Nigeria. Our extended family system however attempts to meet this need. Whatever it takes, if you are in an abusive relationship, break the silence; seek help, and get out, before you are carried out of that home in a coffin. Enough said.

  • Why parents should teach kids by example

    DEAR Harriet, My concern is the level of moral decadence in our society today. Parents who are supposed to be role models to their children are really not leading by example. Instead, some are the ones that are really taking these children through the wrong paths of life.

    Let’s look at the mode of dressing. Some young girls are provocative in their dressing. In addition, it will amaze you to know that a high number of these girls are sexually active with or without their parents’ knowledge.

    The question is who is to blame? Mothers don’t guide and lead their children in the ways of God any more. How many mothers actually give their children moral instructions, or pray with them as the case may be. They would rather sit to watch negative films that have no value added to their lives but destroy them.

    Daughters dress looking like club girls, exposing themselves to danger and all sorts of vices. Correction is totally out of it because their parents see it as the way to belong so they get offended when you try to correct them.

    In addition, the internet access is also an area that most parents have failed because a lot of these young children are pretending to be doing their home work, while all they do is visiting or downloading pornographic films. It beats my heart that in Port Harcourt it has become a common act and a very high percentage of mothers who are meant to be role models to their children engage in extra marital affairs.

    It is so bad that the singles are complaining. Some married women have converted hotels to be their second home. Some are going out with younger boys all with the excuse that their husbands cannot satisfy them in bed. Please, tell me if mothers that are supposed to teach their children how to be decent and how to respect their bodies are busy having affairs.

    Thanks

    Malachi Onumajuru. Port Harcourt.

     

    Thanks for sending us your message. The issue raised is one major challenge that affects our youth. Teach a child the way in which he should go and he will not depart from it.

    Children very carefully observe their parents and unknowingly and unconsciously become just like their parents. It is said that charity begins at home. Everything begins at home: respect, obedience, kindness, attitude, manner and skills.

    Sexuality and sex education is one topic that I will say we put out there almost every other month because of how it affects youngsters. Sex education is so important to the growing up of a youth and must be taught at home first before school. The information about sexuality must be clear and appropriate, according to their ages with good explanation about the physical and emotional changes.

    The reasons for the happenings and how to live a chaste life, to imagine parents encouraging their children in the way of destruction is a great issue of concern because parents are the role models to their children aforementioned, from what you wear as a parent, to your attitude towards others and the kind of life style you live, set out objectives for children’s zeal to achieve their vision and dreams independently. If a parent wants her children to be in a certain way, she must set the pace by living a life worth copying.

    Children act on what they see their parents do. As a result, they can only give what they have. The behaviour of your children tells a lot about you. Indecent mode of dressing exposes young ones to danger, if care is not taken. Parents should learn to teach their children all that they need to know about values through living by example. Let’s face it, a child’s negative way of life comes back to hurt the parents who lead them into it.

    The internet is such a big and open world that anybody can do anything. As a result, a lot of children have been hurt, for example some are experiencing cyber bulling, sexual abuse and verbal abuse at present. Trust me, the motive of parents in providing these technologies is to aid children not to harm them so it’s is your responsibility to know how to keep them safe on line. Some parents feel they don’t really understand how the internet works that their children know more than them, forgetting that technology changes on a day-to- day basis and the best way to stay informed is to get involved (understand the internet and how it works). Sometimes sit with your children, tell them to show you what they are doing and how it works who said it is too late to learn. Parents should monitor the site their children visit online. More so, the aspect of infidelity is also a great issue that we have high number of texts and emails on.

    Tips had been given in the past on this page on specific aspect of infidelity. However, for this present case of married women who are supposed to be role models to their children are now engaging in extra marital affairs, whether to younger boys or men with the excuse that their husbands cannot satisfy them in bed is not acceptable, there is no moral justification to the act of infidelity.

    Marriage is a union ordained by God and must be respected. If a woman discovers that her husband is not meeting up to her sexual desire, instead of bringing destruction to her home, have a discussion with your husband. Be open to him and tell him how it is affecting you or if possible, go with him to see a counsellor who will guide you on how to handle the situation. Your body as a married woman/ man must be respected and protected. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj