The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Love portion 101

    THE title seems odd for an article but it captures my thoughts on the issue, simply put, “How to make a man stay in love with you” Part 1.  I once had a neighbor who I could never quit thinking how a man could stay married to, why? She was so rough, and untidy if not filthy; not to mention her attitude which was rude, loud and uncooperative. The worst part was that she would start a sorry diatribe whenever her husband complained about it. She would say things like “When I knew you had only two pairs of trousers”, “Your trousers could not touch the ground” and whatnot.  Please what has past history got to do with present realities? Unfortunately, the marriage ended when he left her, and married someone else.  I believe that you need to know how to keep a man happy after you have snagged him.

    1. Make him believe that you have got the only loving left. Okay so I borrowed the quote from Lisa Raye’s character in Single Ladies. Men are visual creatures, and are enamoured by what pleases their eyes, so wise women always ensure that they make themselves eye candy for their men. This means no tacky, filthy, untidy clothing, underwear, hair, nails and what have you. I can’t count the number of men I’ve heard complain about their wives neglect of personal hygiene, or failure to take care of their looks. Madam, you are the most beautiful flower in Oga’s garden, please take care of it.
    2. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. I never forget what my dad (a man of few words) told me on my wedding day. He said, “Anything your husband wants, do it. Nothing else.” That translates to the simple word respect. I like the way a woman of God put it when she said, “Inside every man is a king and a boy, treat him like a King and he will treat you like a queen, treat him like a boy and he will show you that he was living in the garden with animals before Eve was made.” Which is why a lady should never agree to be with a man if she cannot respect aka honour him, men thrive on respect, give it to them. That could be the reason that many men date if not marry their secretaries, who treat them with respect, and makes them feel great.
    3. Adore Him. This is akin to the preceding point but goes deeper. The word ‘adore’ means to love and respect someone deeply. To regard with the utmost esteem, love, honour and respect. This means that if you love your man you will respect him. Even your body language will show it as you will not dishonor him in thought, word, or action. Studies have shown that women who treat their men with utmost respect tend to be treated like queens. It is the golden rule, give what you want and you will get it back in return in full measure.
    4. Be attuned to his needs. Human beings differ; as such a wise woman takes the time to study her man; his likes, dislikes, passions and all. If your husband loves golf and you hate it. Babe, make it a point of duty to show an interest and learn. Ask him to each you, ask him questions about it. He will feel flattered, and his ego will be massaged at being your teacher. Being able to hold intelligent conversations about his likes and interests strengthens the bond between you.
    5. If he is finicky about anything, respect his wishes and maintain his standards. Don’t be like the woman who said, “Gbogbo nkan tototo, ko se te lorun” which means He is so finicky, and impossible to satisfy. I guess that in her mind it justified her keeping a home that looked like a pigsty, unfortunately the man could not stand it, and after much trouble the marriage ended. Keep your home scrupulously clean, not to your standards, but his (if his are higher). Some women fail to realize that for a very neat man, keeping the house neat and tidy can mean the difference between coming home and staying out. Or having peace or quarrels in the home.

    Next week: Love potion 111.

  • Why you should not use abusive words in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I must appreciate you for your good work. Please, I need your counsel on a particular issue bothering my heart. My husband is fond of using abusive words against me while correcting me.

    He describes me as senseless, stupid and foolish. He tells me he loves me only when he wants to have sex with me which happens once in a while.

    I have called his attention to these happenings, but he remains very adamant. We have been married for six years.

    I am beginning to ask myself if this man really loves me in the first place.

    Help me, please.

    Name withheld, Abuja.

    I must commend you for sharing your story and seeking advice on how to deal with the situation in your relationship with your husband.

    What you are experiencing with your spouse is a form of abuse known as verbal abuse. This kind of abuse is very rampant in relationships, and most times, victims do not attach abuse to it because it is not physical or that it appears subtle and hard to recognize due to the manner it plays out.

    So some victims do not know that they are going through verbal abuse. Considering  what you are passing through, I will start by explaining actions that can be classified as verbal abuse, its effects and steps to take.

    Verbal abuse is explained as constant use of words to undermine someone’s dignity and security through insults or humiliation with the intension to control the behaviour, thoughts and feelings of the person.

    Name-calling, using words like stupid, idiot, fool, useless and so on put your spouse or partner down. Yelling, screaming and swearing at your spouse or partner belittle her.

    Some feel so afraid to be free with their spouse or partner in the process. Victims are constantly “ walking on egg shells” for fear of being told off. They can’t see anything good in their spouse or partner.

    They always find fault. They do not appreciate, no matter how hard the victim tries.  Isolation, intimidation, easy dismissal during conversation, disregard of spouse’s opinion or suggestion and controlling behaviour are signs of verbal abuse.

    You may think that physical abuse is far worse than verbal or emotional abuse, since physical violence can kill or send someone to the hospital and even leave permanent scars on the victim. The scars of verbal or emotional abuse are very real. They run deep.

    In fact, verbal or emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse- sometimes, even more. A skilled abuser can actually destroy his victim’s self- esteem, while at the same time making the person believe that his or her action is done out of care and love.

    On the other hand, verbal abuse can also become so regular that it becomes a normal way of communication. In addition, it makes the victims confused, not really knowing what to believe any more. Their own thoughts or the abusive words said to them, especially from people who claim to love them.

    Other effects of verbal or emotional abuse are fear, anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurity, depression, rejection, eating disorder, psychological trauma and so on.

    One thing married couples should be mindful of is the words they speak to and about each other because the direction of your marriage is determined by the direction of your tongue. To be continued.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj.

  • Making a difference (2)

    DEAR Reader, You are welcome into God’s presence! May you be blessed as you read this article in Jesus’ name! My focus is still on Making a Difference. Last week, I shared with you, woman as God’s last born. This week, I will teach on the Productive Woman.

    Every woman is created to make a difference and not to be a burden. God’s intention is that wherever a woman is found, she becomes an asset, not a liability. Remember, when Eve joined Adam, life was supposed to be better for him; she was to be an asset to him, a help not a hindrance. The Word of God says: And the Lord God planted a garden eastward in Eden; and there he put the man whom he had formed (Genesis 2:8).

    Some time ago, God spoke these words to my heart, “Faith, you are born a blessing not a burden”. I picked up my Bible and wrote those words down. In every new Bible I get, I write them down on the first page, because I am determined to be a blessing to my world and not a burden.

    No matter your status as a woman, you must be productive and work with your hands, in order to make a difference. You are a creature of value. As I said in the first segment of this teaching, you are God’s crown of creation. As a crown of His creation, you have been made perfect. You have all it takes for you to be productive. Your beauty, value and worth are determined by how productive you are. There is no man who wants a wife that is a burden; every man wants to marry a woman who is an asset. If a woman is not productive, she will invariably be burdensome to her husband.

    There are many things your hands can find to do; all you have to do is open up your heart to God for divine ideas. When those ideas come, arrest them and don’t let them go. What I do is that wherever I am, I have a piece of paper and a pen to write down ideas that may drop into my spirit. Sometimes, certain ideas come to me while in church. The virtuous woman is productive; her hands are never idle. She is creative; her hands are ‘finding hands’. The Word of God says: She perceives that her merchandise is good: her candle goes not out by night (Proverbs 31:19).

    Productivity Entails Diligence

    I talked about Lydia in the first part of this teaching. She was a productive woman. She was a seller of purple (Acts 16:14). A productive woman is also a diligent worker. She rose up while it is still dark and went about her household chores. The Word of God says: She rises also while it is yet night, and gives meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens (Proverbs 31:15). This means that at the time other women were still tossing and turning in bed, she has awakened and begun seeing to the affairs of her home.

    The productive woman is orderly and organised. …And giveth meat to her household… In essence, she programmes her day by the help of the Holy Spirit. God believes in planning; that is why He allocated a particular time to sleep and a time to awake (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

    When it is time to work, go about your job, business or ministry diligently. Never let a day come and go, when you cannot define clearly what you accomplished. If your type of job gives you a lot of extra time, invest that time; don’t while it away.

    Perhaps you are a homemaker, that is, you are at home, full-time. Don’t say, “I don’t have a job”. A wise man once said, and I believe it very strongly, that the greatest factory where the most important product on earth is manufactured, is the home. That is true, because the home is where the next generation of human beings are produced.

    If you are a homemaker, be one with a difference! Let your family feel your impact. Be up early, tidy up the house, prepare sumptuous meals and get their clothes ready. Be diligent at your chores. Let your home be an example for others to follow.  The Word of God says: Seest thou a man diligent in his business? He shall stand before kings; he shall not stand before mean men (Proverbs 22:29).

    As a woman, see whatever is committed to you as a business, and be diligent at doing it. Sometimes, except you see your assignment at home as a business, you will not be diligent at it. Don’t only see it as a business, however, approach it as such. So, be diligent!

    I have discovered that diligence begins from the thoughts, then reflects in the words of the mouth and then shows up in the actions. The Word of God says: The thoughts of the diligent tend only to plenty; but of every one that is hasty only to want (Proverbs 21:5). If you are lazy in the thoughts of your heart, you will find out that all you do is complain about your job and plan ways to rest at home. You may even pretend to be sick, just to get away from your place of assignment.

    However, it is important to know that the thoughts of the diligent lead to actions of diligence and those actions lead to God’s blessings. Diligence and productivity are essential tools for making a difference in our generation; we must embrace them. Peace!

    To be productive, you need God. To have access to God, you have to confess your sins and surrender your life to Christ. If you are ready for this new birth experience, please say this prayer: Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to you today as a sinner. Forgive me of my sins. I believe You died and rose on the third day for my sins. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.

    If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • Dealing with sexual abuse

    DEAR Harriet, I always read your column. God bless you for your good work.  I am a mother of two lovely children, a girl and a boy, and in our home is a 27-year-old man who lives with us as he is  undergoing a business training. He is a relative and we so much loved him. My husband and I treated him like our son.

    One day, my husband came home unexpectedly to pick up some documents, while I was on a trip. This man was caught sexually abusing our eight-year-old daughter in our bedroom. This was a great ordeal.

     Our daughter told us he had been abusing her sexually for a very long time. Based on her story, I will say he had been abusing our daughter for the past four years. I feel so upset and mad with myself that this happened to my daughter right under my roof without me having a clue.

     If not that my husband sent him back to the village, I would have done something terrible to him. The thought of it is giving us a sleepless night.

     The worst part of it is that I am starting to be emotionally distant from her. She seems like a stranger to me. Please, I desperately need your counsel.

     Thanks.

    Name withheld, Abia State.

     

    We commend you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to speak out, especially when the abuser is a close relative.

    Family members of sexually abused children are too ashamed to tell anyone, for fear of bringing disgrace to their family. So, as a result, they cover it under the carpet, pretending that it never happened instead of dealing with the situation.

    Others will shut the child up by blaming or disbelieving the child’s complaint. That you made yours an open case is a step in the right direction because silence does not heal such wounds. Instead, it makes it worse.

    Rape can destroy someone if not tackled properly. It can affect other aspects of the victim’s life. Dealing with the issue of the rape of a girl of eight is not different from that of someone older. Her reaction to the situation might be different because of her age.

    Note that this abuse had been going on for a very long time, since she was four years old. Now she is eight years old. Your innocent daughter, based on what the abuser had made her believe, feels it is the normal way of life.

    Don’t forget that the person here is a mature man who knows exactly what he is doing. Every parent will feel the way you are feeling. Try not to be too harsh on yourself. This is not a time for blame. It is a time for you to walk with your child through the stages of grief and other emotions and reactions.

    Let not forget that the next step is the way forward.  Therefore, help her confront, express and resolve all the feelings by approaching them with understanding and comfort.

    Here are a few tips on what to do: Seek medical attention. It is highly necessary for your daughter, so book an appointment to see a doctor with your daughter. Be open with the doctor about the sexual abuse. Tell him or her everything concerning the rape, so that adequate medical attention will be giving to your daughter.

    Furthermore, because rape isn’t just physically damaging, it can be emotionally damaging as well. A person who has been raped might have mixed emotions.

    They can be angry, scared, or embarrassed, among other feelings. These mixed emotions can manifest themselves in many ways such as troubled sleeping and eating and withdrawal from everyday activities, mistrust towards others, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and extreme fear or paranoia. The best way to deal with the emotional trauma of rape is to seek professional help from a therapist or certified counsellor.

    A professional will take the victim through all the necessary healing processes which are very vital. Rape must not be ignored. In addition, you and your husband must also see a certified counsellor for healing as well so that you will know how to love your child again. This is the time she needs parental love, care, encouragement and support.

    Moreover, the fact about healing is that the situation might get worse before it gets better. At the end of the day, as you go through the stages with activities you will be fine. Above all, don’t forget to take the situation to God in prayers. God Almighty will definitely see you through and your family will smile again.

    The offender must be exposed, so that first, he can face the law for his wicked act. Also to put an end to it, the matter must be reported to the police. If not, the offender will abuse others. This is mainly common with offenders that are well known to the family, for example, relatives and close family friends.

    Our hearts  go to you once again for the bad thing your trusted relative did to your daughter, but the only way you can feel better even in the middle of the whole situation is to confront the issue.

    The rape is not the child’s fault, but the relative who took advantage of the child.  Nobody has the right to rape someone. The innocent child did not ask or want to be raped.  There is no moral justification for his action. Your child is very young to speak for herself, so as a parent, it is your responsibility to put things right for her and yourself. Be her voice no matter what.  Take care of yourself.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • How to deal with weight loss

    HELLO Harriet, I am really impressed with your column. Please, I want you to counsel me on what to do on an important matter. I am 42 years old, married with children.

    Here is my issue: My relationship with my husband is deteriorating by the day because of my weight. He has made this clear to me. I have been consoling myself with one excuse or the other.

     I am tired of my weight-loss programme. I love my husband, and I don’t want my weight to be an issue in our relationship. Help me.

    Mrs  Adewale, Lagos.

     

    Thanks for sharing your problem with us. The issue of weight is a very sensitive one.  Some people look at it and do something about it, while others do not want it mentioned at all. The fact that you are aware of your weight and have made up your mind to do something about it is a good step.

    I must commend you on that. You are very lucky to have a husband who is sincere about what he wants in his wife because some men will not discuss it. Instead, they will start acting in different ways. Others go as far as picking up quarrels all the time, even when there is nothing to quarrel about. Don’t forget that one man’s meat is another man’s poison  some men like their wives big, while some like their wives slim.

    However, healthy living is the solution to the problem stated above. Therefore, you will have to change your diet not for a period of time, but for life. So, you need to see this process as a lifestyle change. It is important to have a planned meal, knowing what to eat, how to eat and when to eat.

    Healthy diet doesn’t seem to make as much impact on us as the habits we’ve grown up with. For example, how many of us ate yoghurt when we were children? Probably the only spaghetti most of us ate in the past came out of tins.

    A meal wasn’t a meal, if it didn’t have a centrepiece of meat followed by chilled drinks. Today, it is different. We have broadened our taste buds in the last few years- so the next step should be to make further changes to our eating habit in order to change the proportions of different nutrients, giving us healthier balance. Healthy eating should not be difficult to achieve, especially as there are now many nutritious meals to choose from. There are some helpful guidelines you can follow with confidence.

    Set realistic goals and targets: Let your goals and targets be realistic. Remember you did not gain the weight in one day, so it’s going to take a while for you to shed off the weight.

    Major overhaul to your meals which involves drastic cutbacks or punishing regimes will not work. You are more likely to stick to gradual changes.  Frankly, highly restricted diets which involve you going without certain groups of foods can even be harmful, unless you do so under the supervision of a professional.

    Moreover, stick to two or three moderately sized meals each day, rather than semi-starving yourself for much of the day and having one mega-sized meal to compensate. This is because your digestive system works better on a regular supply of food.

    Snacking in between meals is fine provided you make your snack healthy. For example, a piece of fruit or raw vegetable which provides proportionate vitamins, minerals and fibre will do.

    Furthermore, increase your intake of unrefined cereals (whole meal bread, pasta and rice)

    Don’t forget to reduce your intake of saturated fats (the fats mainly found in animal-origin products)

    Aim to eat five portions of fruit and vegetables each day.

    Your programme is incomplete if you don’t add exercise to it. One of the best ways to keep healthy and keep your weight down is to get regular exercise. You need activity to make it work. Remember you don’t have to do anything too difficult.

    A lot of things you do for fun are great exercise, like dancing, swimming or going for brisk walks.  Short periods of exercise several times a week will do you better than a fortnight’s inactivity punctuated by a single exhausting afternoon. Aim to get to the stage where you miss exercising, if you’re prevented from doing it for more than a few days.

    You can actually exercise on your own or register with a gym. If it helps, have a fixed time and date marked in your diary. Remember you are what you eat, so good luck, as you turn to a healthy lifestyle for yourself and for your marriage.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • To accept or not to accept

    ONLY last week, I got talking with an older colleague who asked my opinion of a lady’s complaint. The woman discovered that her hubby was attempting to date a page three girl and was upset. So he asked me what I thought as a married woman. As a woman the choice is yours, it might be wise to bear in mind that some men are by nature promiscuous, if not polygamous. Back to the question, my take on the issue? It would make sense if she asked him the reason(s) for choosing to go after a page three girl. It is a tough call, but you will be surprised at what many married women put up with. It would therefore do women a world of good if they realised the following in making that decision;

    1. As a much older female friend married for close to thirty years once told me, “Marriage comes with a lot of rubbish; you have to be ready to put up with quite a lot of it if you want to remain married, at least in Africa.” Surprisingly, I heard the same from female relatives growing up so ladies take your pick. Any woman in a long term marriage will confirm the fact that women are expected to shovel it up. For single ladies, ensure that you marry a man that you are willing and able to take his crap, because it will happen.
    2. The agenda: What is his agenda? (Or his plan/desires for the relationship). Are they in line with yours? Every man has an agenda when he comes to a woman, some want sex, others money, some a wife, a baby machine, a lover, someone to take care of, others someone to take care of them, or a soul mate. Wisdom is needed to discern his agenda. Wise women however marry men whose vision aligns with theirs. For instance, there is nothing wrong with marrying a man who does not want to work, but wants a wife as long as you are willing and able to be the breadwinner. Unfortunately, not all women can handle the responsibility. Some men love their wives, but need to have spare tires on the side, and expect their wives to turn a blind eye, the proverbial eating your cake and having it back.
    3. The power to choose. As a woman, ask yourself if you can live with his choices. Why? I can’t get over the number of women who send themselves to an early grave or madhouse because of their men’s actions. Deciding to live your life with peace of mind, come what may is of utmost importance. No individual or relationship is perfect but deciding on a course of action, and living with it in a dignified manner always beats fighting or killing yourself over a person who is set in his ways. Like the townsman of my parent’s generation who brought his children from his extra- curricular activities home to his wife to take care of. Some people will think it is crazy, but if the wife did not accept it, he would probably find himself a woman who would. Whether the average woman could live with that is another question entirely.
  • What is cheating in a relationship?

    What is cheating in a relationship?

    Cheating in relationship has been tagged with different meaning by different people – to some , “it means to violate rules and regulations” while others believe that cheating is “to be sexually unfaithful”.

     

    No doubt, many people have been in a situation where things seemed to be perfect in their relationship and, all of a sudden, their motives changed. The combination of dorm-room parties, alcohol, and an attraction to fellow course mates can certainly lead to what is feared mostly in a relationship – Cheating.

     

    Cheating in the university is a bit different than in adult relationships because the students are still in the process of maturity, and are trying to figure out what they really want in life.

     

    People cheat for a number of reasons. Either they are not happy in their current relationships, they want to try something (or someone) new, or they simply do not have what it takes to stay committed.

     

    Staying or leaving in a relationship is up to the individual. Cheating is very common in the college setting, but relationships are all about taking risks.

     

    For whatever reasons it is, some people have been traumatised as a result of cheating and it takes almost a lifetime for some others to come out of the situation.

     

    But what are the possible ways or strategies to fix a relationship after cheating? Below are few tips to help out:

     

    • Don’t automatically assume the relationship is doomed:

     

    Normally, after discovering your partner has cheated on you, you find it difficult to cope but relationship experts say “leaving a damaged partnership can sometimes be a cop out”.

    Instead, assume that staying together is equally possible.

     

    • Acknowledge that you have created a problem:

    It might seem easy, but if you don’t realize the fact that you have messed up, and therefore messed up the relationship, the healing process won’t go anywhere.

     

    • Figure out what drove you to cheat:

    Maybe it happened through flirting, whatever the problem is, try to figure it out so you can understand why you made your mistakes and don’t end up repeating hem.

     

    • Cut off communication with the other man or woman:

    Recommitting to your relationship means “ceasing all interaction with the person you cheated on your partner” with. It’s not going to be easy, especially if you have developed feelings for that other person or were used to seeing him/her on a regular basis. Still, you need to be totally committed to moving forward in the current relationship.

     

    • Give your partner time to heal:

    In an ideal world, the unfaithful partner could just say “I am sorry” and win back the other person’s affection. But in the real world, it can take at least a year for the betrayed partner to feel that he/she is able to trust you again.

     

    • Seek professional help:

    A licensed therapist can help figure out how to move past the affair by thinking about the factors that motivated one person to be unfaithful. The therapist can also help you come up with specific ways to restore trust and maintain a stable partnership.

     

  • Dealing with crush

    DEAR Harriet, May God bless you for your good work. Please, I need your counsel on an important matter. The matter is that my wife is disturbing me because of her belief that I am having a crush on our neighbour. I have been telling her that I don’t have anything to do with this single woman, but she maintains her stand.

    Mr Joshua, Abuja.

     

    Thanks for sharing your story. I sincerely wish to hear from your wife because it will be nice to know more. Any way, since you are the victim here, hopefully my counsel will be helpful to you and your spouse. Joshua’s story was one of the messages published last week in my mail box section with his permission.

    Moving on, a crush can be regarded as a secret affair, and in most cases, the person that is being admired might not know that this person has affection for him or her. It takes a third person or people around to spot it out. Therefore, a crush on someone does not count as having a relationship.

    That your wife has observed certain awkward behaviour from the  neighbour towards  you  does not mean that the feeling is reciprocal. She needs to understand how you feel as well because when it comes to having a relationship, it takes two to tangle, a situation where someone is affectionate  without the knowledge of the other person is merely infatuation and should not start causing  an unnecessary problem between husband and wife, especially when the man has told the wife that he doesn’t  have any feelings whatsoever towards the person.

    Your question might be, how am I sure there is nothing? Well, as long as you do not notice the same attitude from him, it will be nice for you to trust and believe your husband because for a marriage to be successful, there must be trust. Allowing this to be an issue in your home is not worth it, and in case as a wife you are considering confronting the lady about her having a crush on your husband, it is not necessary because you might just be exposing your marriage to other problem.

    Couples should be careful on the way they approach certain issues because when issues are not clear and addressed properly, it can affect the relationship that they have.

    Here are ways to tackle crushes. Effective communication is very important, so talking with your spouse about your position on the issue must be stated clearly. Talking has a way of clarifying assumptions.

    From the reaction of your wife, it is certain that you may not be able to handle the situation on your own. So I will recommend you discuss the matter with a trained counsellor or talk to someone you can trust and feel entirely comfortable with. The person must be someone your wife respects and will listen to because the earlier you address this, the better before other problems will start springing up.

    In case you decide to see a counsellor, it will  be nice to know that a counsellor will treat your issue in confidence, ask all the necessary personal questions, listen to both parties without being judgmental, explain the side effects of certain reactions and then offer solutions.

    Henceforth, try as much as possible to distance yourself from the lady now that it has been brought to your knowledge that she has a crush on you, avoid every contact with her so that your  genuine gesture or hospitality will not be mistaken for you leading her on.  Problem shared is a problem half solved, so take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • A corper’s escapades (4)

    EBUKA and I sat on the verandah for some time discussing the issue. Then around seven o’clock, as we were getting ready to head to Iya Akin’s Bar, Shade arrived unexpectedly.

    It was her first time of visiting me at the Corpers’ Lodge since we had started dating.

    “This is a surprise, Shade. You didn’t even call me that you were coming,” I said as she got down from the car. She was dressed in a T shirt on snug fitting leggings that showed off her sensuous figure to advantage. She smiled and said: “I wanted to surprise you.” She held my hand as we walked towards Ebuka, who was standing by the verandah.

    “Hi, Shade,” Ebuka greeted, smiling warmly at her. They had met a couple of times during the period I was giving her tutorials at the palace so they were familiar with each other.

    We all stood chatting for a while then I took her inside my room.

    “Your room is not bad, it’s just small,” she observed as she gazed round.

    I laughed.

    “I didn’t like it much at the beginning but I think I’ll miss it when I leave,” I stated. She sat on the bed as the other piece of furniture in the room, a small armchair I had coerced from Mr Babson was piled high with clothes, books and other stuff.

    “I feel bad hearing that word. The thought of you leaving me here makes me so sad,” said Shade, frowning a little.

    I sat by her on the bed and held her close.

    “It’s just a temporary separation. With time, we shall be together again,” I reassured her.

    “I can hardly wait,” she said, smiling.

    “Now, that’s what I want to see- a smile on your pretty face. Come here,” I stated, lying down on the bed and pulling her on top of me.

    “I love you so much, Francis. No matter what happens, I hope we will always be together,” she whispered, holding me tight.

    “You have nothing to be afraid of, my sweet. I’ll always be there for you,” I told her. I knew it was not an empty promise; it was one I vowed to keep no matter the odds against us…

    The gathering storm

    About a week before we were to leave Adura at the end of our service year, the Baale summoned me. I had not seen him for a while as it had been some months I stopped coaching Shade who had retaken the school certificate exams.

    At the Baale’s residence, I was taken to the garden where he sat under a gazebo, reading a newspaper.

    “Quite an age, Francis! Were you intending sneaking off to Lagos without saying farewell?” he asked after I had greeted him.

    “No, sir. My friend, Ebuka and I were planning to visit before we leave next week,” I stated.

    He nodded.

    “You can visit anytime. Even after your service ends here, you are always welcome to my town. You boys made quite an impression on my people and I,” he stated, smiling broadly at me. Then he added, with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

    “Even, my daughter Shade has fallen under your spell!”

    “I…ehm… sir,” I began to say, but his raised right hand cut me short.

    “No use denying it. She has told me everything, about your love affair. I suspected there was something going on when she was always talking about you. But I thought it was just a crush. I never knew it could be this serious that she’s talking about breaking the engagement with Prince Adedayo and marrying you!” he said.

    I could feel my heart beating erratically, wondering what was going to happen next. Would he send his guards to have me beaten up for daring to touch his daughter? Would I be able to leave Adura alive and see my family again? Is this what love had done to me?

    His next words and the smile on his face brought me back with a jolt and calmed my nerves.

    “Francis, I like you. I think you are a young man with a bright future. Under normal circumstances, I would not mind having you as a son-in-law. But,” he said, sitting up straight. “My daughter is taken. As you are aware, she and the Prince have been engaged for years and their wedding will come up soon. His father and I are old friends, we go back a long way. I don’t want anything to affect our relationship, least of all, this matter. So, whatever you have with her can’t work. I’m sorry, my hands are tied on this matter as it’s beyond me.”

    As he spoke, I felt my hopes of ending up with Shade fade gradually away. But I was not ready to give up on my love.

    “But Sir, Shade does not want this man. Will you want to see her married off to a man she does not love and can’t be happy with?” I said.

    “The issue of love does not come into it. What matters now is that Shade belongs to someone else. She can’t be with you. You look for another lady and leave Shade for the Prince!” he enjoined.

    The concluding part of this story will be published next week. Don’t miss it!

    Names have been changed to protect the identities of the characters in the story

     

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  • Differentiating lust from love

    DEAR Harriet I am an easy-going person with a good job. I am 40 and in a relationship with a lady of 31. We have been dating for six months now. She is always concerned with her own interest, pleasure and happiness without putting what will benefit us into consideration. She only plays nice when she needs money from me. Her financial demands are beginning to scare me from taking the relationship to the next level in spite of the fact that I love her. Please, I need your counsel. Thanks.

    Chuks. Lagos

     

    Thanks for your text message. I must commend you for being very observant.  Many are financial providers without knowing it, a situation where you are only relevant when the person needs you.

    This is an indication that the person is only in a relationship with you because of what she or he stands to benefit from you.  Such people can be regarded as manipulators. And they are selfish. Selfishness cuts across all ages. It can be traced to a person’s childhood.

    One thing you need to understand is that people get manipulated, not because they are weak, but they have these feelings that they might stand to lose something by not giving in to this person. This is mostly common in romantic relationships, a situation where one partner always gives in to the other partner just to please or to avoid offending the other.

    People who lack assertiveness in their personality have the tendency to bring out the manipulative aspect of people they date. If you are the type of person that  cannot  say  ‘no’ or who has a hard time stopping yourself from doing favour for someone, even if you don’t want to do it, you will be attracting manipulators like moths.

    The yearning to give and receive love throbs in the heart of everyone. People try in many ways to discover true love, real love, a love that is strong and deep, a love that lasts. Yet the pursuit of love has caused more bitterness than all diseases and conflicts among nations.

    Many times people feel they are in love, but what they are feeling actually is lust. Lust and love are often confused in our minds. We need to understand that love is actually different from lust. Love gives, but lust takes. Love values, but lust uses. Love endures, but lust subsides.

    The fact remains that people going into relationships with one common thing in mind and that is their why (reasons). Some are in it for the affection they have for their partners. Some are in it for what they stand to benefit, while some are in relationship for marriage.

    Therefore, it is very vital for you to know how your partner sees you, and of what value are you to her or him. The worst thing that can happen to somebody in a relationship is when the person is being used. Affection works in both ways, so once this starts lacking, it is nice for you to question your relationship because it can be devastating when you feel someone is on the same page with you when the person is only with you for his or her selfish aim.

    The decision really is for you to take because you are the person in the relationship and you know the reason.  It will be nice for you to assess what is keeping you in the relationship, knowing that you are being used. Is it the fear of the unknown, pity or  are you afraid to be alone?  So what  exactly are the factors that keep you stuck?

    There are two ways to handle selfish relationship. Fix it or end it because staying in such relationship will only lead to frustration and heartache.  If you decide to stay, you will need to take a firm stand to change the act by effective communication. Bring everything in black and white on the table for discussion. Openly without reservation, state the effect on you and the relationship.

    Also talk about your aim for the relationship and your stand if things continue the way they are. Make her realise that she only shows interest in you because of what she stands to gain. Having an open discussion with her about her attitude will give you a form of relief and a better understanding of her position and prepare you against future occurrences.

    On the other hand, in case you choose to end the relationship after an effective communication with her, you must understand that ending a relationship, no matter how unhealthy it might be, is heartbreaking and can be overwhelming. It is a loss of something you have spent significant time building and is only natural that it will take time to heal.

    Therefore, you need to be prepared to face all that comes with it, but the interesting aspect is that you are actually putting an end to a toxic  relationship, a relationship that is based on what I can get, not what I can give.  Selfishness causes a lot of problems in a relationship, if not dealt with immediately.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj