Rois Ola

Being respected by your partner doesn’t just come to you like a free recharge card, you have to earn it and earn I mean work for it. It is everyone’s desire to be respected and not taken for granted by the one they love. Lack of respect kills intimacy, it destroys so many things and can crash all the precious things you have built with your partner.

Respect is a powerful tool in every relationship. It is one of the major things that keep people happy together. Sometimes, people confuse respect and love as the same thing.

In fact, they are two different things. Love and respect are two key ingredients of a healthy relationship. The following tips will help you to gain respect from your partner; In some relationships there is an equal amount of power and respect, and in others, one partner holds most of the power. To make things even more complicated, the power can shift at different points in your relationship. Maybe in the beginning you two never thought of power and respect because it felt equally distributed. But then, as time went on, you noticed things shifting and you felt like your boyfriend or girlfriend somehow had more power. Wait a second, weren’t you the Beyoncé of this couple? Or the Angelina Jolie? Power tussle sometimes can be complicated. Pride too causes power tussles and respect easily can be undermined making the other person feeling used and foolish.

It’s normal for the power dynamic to shift in a relationship. Many things could have made the partnership structure change. But once it has swayed into a new direction (one that you may not love), how do you get on equal footing?

Below are some ways you can gain some respect in your relationship, it may not address all, but it will address some aspects. I hope you gain some things from it to do better in your relationship

1. Learn to speak up

One way to become more powerful is to use your voice. Be clear about your wants and needs. If you don’t speak up for yourself, who else will? Remember, your partner ain’t no Syliva Browne, he or she can’t read your mind. Therefore, you need to use your words and tell him/her what you want and need in your partnership. One very good way to gain your partner’s respect is to speak up. People that are vocal always find it easy to gain respect everywhere. You can also apply this to your relationship. Use your voice. Your partner can’t read your mind. Therefore, you have to speak for yourself. When you are offended, let them know. And it’s very important to learn how to communicate with your partner effectively. As this will improve your relationship and help you gain respect from your partner drastically.

2. Learn to be more independent

It should not be mistaken that being strong and independent doesn’t mean you don’t need your partner in any way, it just shows that you are capable of doing things on your own, as a powerful individual. Being able to be self-sufficient while in a relationship is very important. Your partner will admire you for this strength which in turn will favor you.

3. Learn to have boundaries

Having boundaries is important Everyone has their own set of rules and boundaries that they are comfortable with. You will have boundaries in your relationship and it’s vital you keep them. There are some things that will cross the line for you and you need to be able to draw that line firmly.

4. Learn to treat yourself the way you want others too

Instead of following the yellow brick road, how about you follow the golden rule. An easy way of gaining respect is to treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. If you want respect and consideration you have to give it to your partner as well. If you don’t respect yourself, then who else will? It starts with yourself. You have to show how you want to be treated. This will come through with how you treat yourself. How do you talk about yourself? Do you give yourself any power? How do you view yourself? Take a moment to truly think about how you respect yourself. Remember, confidence is contagious.

5. Learn to keep your word

Saying something and doing the opposite is one way to quickly lose respect. Actions speak louder than words, this is not a new phrase to you I believe.  especially in relationships. So, if you tell your partner that there will be certain repercussions for something and you don’t follow through, he or she won’t take you seriously, ever again . so follow through all the time. Or even if you make a small promise to your lover, you must keep it. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

6. Learn to not settle for less

There’s nothing more confident and attractive as somebody who knows what he or she deserves. If you’re in a relationship where your partner knows he or she can get away with anything, well then, your power and respect have already gone out the window. Stand up for yourself and don’t be afraid to walk away from a relationship that isn’t beneficial to you.

No one wants an indolent partner. A hard-working partner is always respected. Ensure that you do well at work and gain more accomplishment. Give your partner a reason to be proud of you. Give them the opportunity to show you off. You can’t gain your partner’s respect if you are indolent. The hard truth is that no one likes to be associated with a loser. Your partner wants to look at you and be proud. This will boost your confidence and respect with your partner. I wish you all the best

By Rois Ola

Being respected by your partner doesn’t just come to you like a free recharge card, you have to earn it and earn I mean work for it. It is everyone’s desire to be respected and not taken for granted by the one they love. Lack of respect kills intimacy, it destroys so many things and can crash all the precious things you have built with your partner.

Respect is a powerful tool in every relationship. It is one of the major things that keep people happy together. Sometimes, people confuse respect and love as the same thing.

In fact, they are two different things. Love and respect are two key ingredients of a healthy relationship. The following tips will help you to gain respect from your partner; In some relationships there is an equal amount of power and respect, and in others, one partner holds most of the power. To make things even more complicated, the power can shift at different points in your relationship. Maybe in the beginning you two never thought of power and respect because it felt equally distributed. But then, as time went on, you noticed things shifting and you felt like your boyfriend or girlfriend somehow had more power. Wait a second, weren’t you the Beyoncé of this couple? Or the Angelina Jolie? Power tussle sometimes can be complicated. Pride too causes power tussles and respect easily can be undermined making the other person feeling used and foolish.

It’s normal for the power dynamic to shift in a relationship. Many things could have made the partnership structure change. But once it has swayed into a new direction (one that you may not love), how do you get on equal footing?

Below are some ways you can gain some respect in your relationship, it may not address all, but it will address some aspects. I hope you gain some things from it to do better in your relationship

1. Learn to speak up

One way to become more powerful is to use your voice. Be clear about your wants and needs. If you don’t speak up for yourself, who else will? Remember, your partner ain’t no Syliva Browne, he or she can’t read your mind. Therefore, you need to use your words and tell him/her what you want and need in your partnership. One very good way to gain your partner’s respect is to speak up. People that are vocal always find it easy to gain respect everywhere. You can also apply this to your relationship. Use your voice. Your partner can’t read your mind. Therefore, you have to speak for yourself. When you are offended, let them know. And it’s very important to learn how to communicate with your partner effectively. As this will improve your relationship and help you gain respect from your partner drastically.

2. Learn to be more independent

It should not be mistaken that being strong and independent doesn’t mean you don’t need your partner in any way, it just shows that you are capable of doing things on your own, as a powerful individual. Being able to be self-sufficient while in a relationship is very important. Your partner will admire you for this strength which in turn will favor you.

3. Learn to have boundaries

Having boundaries is important Everyone has their own set of rules and boundaries that they are comfortable with. You will have boundaries in your relationship and it’s vital you keep them. There are some things that will cross the line for you and you need to be able to draw that line firmly.

4. Learn to treat yourself the way you want others too

Instead of following the yellow brick road, how about you follow the golden rule. An easy way of gaining respect is to treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. If you want respect and consideration you have to give it to your partner as well. If you don’t respect yourself, then who else will? It starts with yourself. You have to show how you want to be treated. This will come through with how you treat yourself. How do you talk about yourself? Do you give yourself any power? How do you view yourself? Take a moment to truly think about how you respect yourself. Remember, confidence is contagious.

5. Learn to keep your word

Saying something and doing the opposite is one way to quickly lose respect. Actions speak louder than words, this is not a new phrase to you I believe.  especially in relationships. So, if you tell your partner that there will be certain repercussions for something and you don’t follow through, he or she won’t take you seriously, ever again . so follow through all the time. Or even if you make a small promise to your lover, you must keep it. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

6. Learn to not settle for less

There’s nothing more confident and attractive as somebody who knows what he or she deserves. If you’re in a relationship where your partner knows he or she can get away with anything, well then, your power and respect have already gone out the window. Stand up for yourself and don’t be afraid to walk away from a relationship that isn’t beneficial to you.

No one wants an indolent partner. A hard-working partner is always respected. Ensure that you do well at work and gain more accomplishment. Give your partner a reason to be proud of you. Give them the opportunity to show you off. You can’t gain your partner’s respect if you are indolent. The hard truth is that no one likes to be associated with a loser. Your partner wants to look at you and be proud. This will boost your confidence and respect with your partner. I wish you all the best

By Rois Ola

A lot of times we all believe saying good bye is a true end to everything of bad relationships but Goodbye is not always the answer and this is the case for both old and new relationships. No matter the level of mistakes you are currently facing in your relationship, it’s always worth it to try again as long as you know that both of you are willing to still make it work, emphasis on BOTH, because one person cannot achieve it alone. Being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a very important aspect in relationships .It helps to keep you healthy both emotionally and physically.

For a fact there are some things that cannot easily be forgiven, they can be forgiven but not as quickly as some other things, not only because of the hurt that they have caused but also because of how it already tainted your trust in your partner and in your relationship. If you are stuck in this cycle of constantly failing to forgive no matter how much your partner has changed, this article will help you understand in clearer times the reason(S) why you need to forgive.

One of the most important things I have experienced and learnt is that, forgiving and letting go may be one of the most important ways to keep you strong and sane. Some transgressions are so harmful and disastrous that a relationship may not be able to survive, but forgiveness can still play a role to healing and making things better, but of course time heals all wounds.

The Importance to your health

Holding onto hurts, disappointments,  annoyances,  even betrayals, insensitivity, and anger, you  will discover in no time that you are wasting both your time and your energy. Nursing your hurt (whether real or perceived) for too long can eventually make it turn into something more hate and extreme bitterness. And living a bitter life with who you supposedly love or care for only causes more damage than good.

Not being able to forgive can also wear you down. It takes both a physical and mental toll on you causing depression and sometimes suicide. Resentment gains momentum and chips away at the foundation of your well-being and your relationship. The magic is in being able to share your feelings.

The importance of forgiving your partner

Betrayal of trust is a hard pill to swallow. I have been there and still doing what I can to heal, there are a number of ways one can use to find a place of forgiveness when you have experienced betrayal. Look at each method and find the combination that works best for you.

• Be open to give and receive forgiveness.
• Make an intentional decision to forgive your partner.
• Think of a constructive and positive thing to do to distract yourself from dwelling on those thoughts, when images of the betrayal or hurt flash in your mind,
• Refrain from throwing an error or mistake back in your spouse’s face at a later date, yes I know this is difficult, but try; don’t use it as ammunition in an argument, it takes practice but try not to.
• Accept that you may never know the reason for the transgression, behavior, or mistake, confession may be very difficult to give or listen to, so accept you may never get the full story and move on.
• Try not to seek revenge or retribution; trying to get even will only extend the pain and chances are good that this won’t really make you feel better anyway.
• Remember that forgiveness does not mean that you condone the hurtful behavior.
• Be patient with yourself. Being able to forgive your partner takes time. Don’t try to hurry the process.

Get professional counseling to help you let go and forgive if you are still unable to forgive, or you find yourself thinking on the betrayal or hurt regularly, it won’t be easy but better to make an attempt than nothing at all.

1. Put a stop to remembering the pain and hurt.

If you want the wound of a mistake to fully heal, you should stop touching it – because what comes after healing is forgiveness, especially if it was done by someone you truly love. Stop thinking about what happened in the past and how it made you feel – as long as the lessons have been learned, you should do your best to stop reliving the pain and hurt. Move on and everything will follow.

2. Try Give your partner a second chance, if they want it and are willing to work for it.

People make mistakes and you, yourself, had your own share of regrets in the past. If you did something hurtful to someone you love like your partner, wouldn’t you want to be given a second chance? Just like how you think you deserve that chance, you should also give the same thought about your partner.

As long as you know that they know what they did, how it affected your relationship, and the things that they should do to avoid repeating the same mistakes, then they deserve that second chance.

3. Appreciate the changes they’ve made or trying to make.

It can be hard for someone to change but do you wonder why they still try? Because they know that it’s the only way for them not to lose you – they want to stay and they’ll do everything for your relationship to be what it once was before, or better.

4. Try to Make an effort to reach out.

Perhaps your partner doesn’t feel like talking about the mistakes that they have done in the past that they tend to be quiet about how they truly feel. Their need to be forgiven sometimes makes them scared that they might say the wrong words again, and it might make things worse. What you can do is to assure them that your relationship is their safe place – they should not stop being who they are or stop expressing their thoughts just because they’re afraid to offend their partner again.

5. Tell yourself why you fell in love.

If all else fails, the best thing that you can do for yourself and your relationship is to remember why you are in this relationship in the first place. How did you fall in love? What are the things that you like about this person? What are the happiest memories you have together? Are those qualities still there?

6. Pray for help and healing from God

Let your faith and spiritual strength show you the way to find forgiveness in your heart. Sometimes, when you are hurting and in pain, you lose the courage to forgive someone who had caused you pain. What you can do is to pray for enlightenment and guidance, for wisdom and for healing, so that you will be able to have the strength to give your love another chance.

7. Together, start over with a new love story if they are willing to.

Let your road to forgiveness open a bigger door to a new stage in your relationship. Start over, start anew – and do this together. In order to build forgiveness in your relationship, you have to make an effort to take the first step. The road may look narrow and daunting, but never let this fear weaken your faith in the promise that you have made together.

How to Ask you partner for Forgiveness

If you are the one who has caused hurt and pain for your partner, you can ask for forgiveness in in order to rebuild trust in the relationship. Remember to give yourself and your partner time when working through the process. Time heals wounds if you allow it to.

• Show true contrition and remorse for the pain that you’ve caused, let them see that you are sorry for what you have done.
• Be willing to make a commitment to not hurt your partner again by repeating the hurtful behavior, any promise you make, you must fulfill.
• Accept the consequences of the action that created the hurt, face them, deal with them directly and ensure it doesn’t happen again.
• Be open to making amends and settling for peace.
• Make a heartfelt and verbal apology; this includes a plan of action to make things right, sometimes words may not be enough.
• Be patient with your partner. Being able to forgive you often takes time. Don’t dismiss your spouse’s feelings of betrayal by telling them to “get over it.” That will only make things worse.

Everyone needs to forgive and to be forgiven. No healthy relationship, can be sustained over a long period of time without forgiveness. But remember that forgiveness isn’t absolution.

Forgiveness is a conscious decision and a practice of releasing feelings of resentment. Forgiveness can provide you and your partner with the tools to process and move on. Even though you may find it find it difficult, being able to forgive is crucial for the long haul to so many things like your health, state of mind and general wellbeing, existing in an unforgiving state will destroy a lot of things for you. For you to succeed in living a fulfilled life, and enjoying relationships with others, you must learn to forgive. If it’s not working, then I pray God gives you the strength to make the necessary decisions and move. I wish you all the best!!!

By Rois Ola

In relationships, not all will last forever because everyone has a different tolerance level. Some will be able to withstand the trials and tribulations while some will not be able to because generally, if they cannot, then the relationship will end. People break up for so many reasons, but the major reasons to take note of are sex, money and morals.

When two adults decide to come together and have a relationship, they tend to have different views and opinions on sex, money and morals because quite a number of may not be objective.

Therefore, a lot of subjectivity is applied. If couples cannot find common ground and are unbending in any one of these areas, it can deeply damage the entire relationship.  Communication in any relationship as I always advise is key.

If this breaks down, then restoring health to the relationship will be hard. Many couples who are friends apart from being lovers are able to withstand these pressures. If friendship ends, then communication breaks down. Your partner must be your friend.

Couples who do not operate as friends start competing with each other which translates into envy and resentment because they no longer have a common ground.

Communication with each other

In every relationship, communication is the foundation. No matter how bad things are, if there is communication, you can overcome the challenges. When communication gets staggered, many parts of the relationship start to suffer. Arguments become frequent and some of the issues end up being unresolved. Thus creating a gap and both of you becoming strangers to each other in the end and if not resolved leads to a break-up.

Growing apart from each other

The constant thing in life is change. People must change and evolve. Someone you know today can change tomorrow; no one really stays the same. We have to keep exploring and rediscovering ourselves and trying out new things. There are times when you grow alone without your partner. It may be a small growth or a big growth. We grow and learn more about ourselves. It should be top priority of any relationship to grow with each other and not away from each other.

Trust between each other

Trust is a serious issue for couples when trust is low between each other. It can break the relationship. If any relationship keeps experiencing or has experienced cheating and other problems, it will reduce the trust and spoil things between them, making things fall apart.

It is even worse when one or both refuse to apologize or worse even admit their faults.

Inadequate love between each other

When only one person is making all the efforts to give love and is not receiving, this makes the relationship unhealthy. Relationship is all about “give and take.” It is not every day you will be in the mood to give love. That is when the other partner should step in.

But when you give today, give next year and nothing comes in return, then it becomes difficult to maintain the love and sustain it. At some point, one person will realize this love is no longer worth fighting for at all.

It is important for both partners to have a healthy level of self-esteem.  If one person lacks this, it will definitely affect the relationship and things will turn sour because the person with less self-esteem will start doing negative things to gain their self-esteem back which in turn will affect the relationship in a bad way.

The goal of both partners is to understand each other. You both need to, from time to time, evaluate yourselves as a team and see if you are both heading in the same direction.

You both need to have maybe not exact thoughts, but see each other’s visions and support yourself in achieving them. Find a way where both of you can come to the middle and understand each other.

Take time to decide if you may change your perspective in the future. Then, discuss solutions with your partner and be willing to let go if compromising is unfeasible. The last thing you want to do to anyone you care about is string them along and cause more pain for yourself and for them. It ends up being loads of wasted time for both parties.

If you notice at some point that little things no longer excite you. In addition, that you prefer being away from your partner than being with your partner then it may be that you are due for a self-reevaluation. You have to be sure that you have not sacrificed your happiness for your relationship.

In relationships, there must be sacrifice and compromise, but not to the point of losing your own identity. Keeping the relationship afloat is the job of both parties and not one person alone. Find out if the relationship is the reason of your unhappiness or if there are other underlying issues.

There is no relationship made in heaven. Every good one you see entails hard work and constant moves to keep things spicy. The grass may look greener, but the fact remains that if you and your partner do not consciously and intentionally work on the issues, then break-up is imminent. I wish you all the best.

By Rois Ola

Earlier this week, I got a call from a very good female friend and she asked me some questions on when it would be okay for a woman or man to lie to their partner. I refused to directly respond to her question. I haven’t been blessed with telling lies and getting away without punishments. So I would rather just say the truth.

There is no time lying is okay , no time, it always comes out , and lying to someone close to you hurts them and hurts you. Whatever one’s stance is on open versus closed relationships, the most painful aspect of infidelity is often the fact that someone is hiding something so significant from their partner?  And hiding those things eventually destroys trust.

Two adults can agree to whatever terms of a relationship they like, but the hidden part  of  going against the agreement is what makes an act a betrayal in terms of an affair or hiding other sensitive information is highly unethical. So most times when people get angry when a partner cheats, it is not because of the affair, but because of actions that lead to it, the secrets and lies that build gradually around the affair.

Lying is a very dangerous behavior, especially when infidelity is involved. It shatters trust and reality, spoiling any positive aspect of your relationship. Deception may be the most damaging aspect of infidelity. It all leads to sad realizations for the deceived partner, knowing or finding out that you have been living a secret life.

When you go through great lengths to deceive anyone, it shows how your level of moral decadence has hit you. Keeping a damaging secret destroys your partner’s sense of reality, although we do not have control over their emotions. It is true that feeling an attraction or falling in love may be experiences that are out of our control, but we do have control over whether we act on those emotions, and being honest about taking those actions is key to having a relationship based on real substance.

When we teach children that it is wrong to lie, and yet as older people we do exactly what we ask them not to do, who are we deceiving? The lines on telling lies and deception blur, as we get older, always finding excuses to keep the lies and deceptions justified. Most times, we get close to someone without setting boundaries. The issues we carry from our past weigh a lot on our behaviour and actions. Some habits are harmful and destroy things for both partners. At the end of the day, jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity can cause many problems with our partners.

Read Also: I lost five-year relationship over my music career – Ogyny

Once you start compromising yourself or denying who you are, then you are no longer living in reality of what your relationship is about. You need to first of all be honest with yourself and your partner. Lies will come up. The truth is we need to make honest decisions about our lives and not compromise our integrity. This is not to say that people should not expect their partners to be faithful, but rather that couples should try to maintain an open and honest dialogue about their feelings and their relationship. Anything less than this will cause resentment.

When we treat our partners with respect and honesty, we are true not only to them, but to ourselves.  If your partner can trust you, then they will be open enough to tell you their true feelings about yourself and others you may be attracted to. The more transparent you are, the better it is for you and your partner. The more you open up, the healthier you become in your relationship with your partner and other people. Conversely, the more comfortable we become with keeping secrets, the more likely we become to tell bigger and bigger lies.

For any relationship to be healthy, it has to be built on truth and honesty. Real freedom comes from making a choice on how you treat your partner, choosing to be honest every single day and keeping it real. Deception is one thing that should never be accepted or tolerated in a relationship.

There are so many types of deceptions (1) omission; (2) distortion; (3) half-truths; (4) blatant lies; (5) white lies; and (6) failed lies. Respondents rated their own and their partner’s use of each type of deception in terms of frequency. Whichever one is used at any point in time should never be accepted. It has a drastic impact on any relationship as the cycle of lies deepens.

It destroys trust

Possibly the most noticeable effect that deception has on a relationship is the washing-away of trust; trust cannot co-exist with falsehood; it crumbles. Trust is the pillar of any relationship. Once it crumbles, then that may be the end.

One lie leads to another lie

When you start telling small lies, it eventually leads to bigger lies. A destructive cycle may become difficult to break, when you get used to it. In addition, you need to keep up with the lies to cover previous lies. It is indeed a tough one.

It leads to poor health

When you deceive so much, it will eventually tell on your health.

With all this being said, lies and deception go hand in hand. Deception only brings pain, distrust and eventually doom because lies and deception can never stay hidden forever. The truth will, for sure, come out one day. So the best is being honest with your partner to have a healthy relationship because only the truth can set you free.

With Rois Ola

WE, at one point or the other, may have gone through one challenge or the other which is responsible to an extent on how we think and relate with others. Trauma at any age can have a profound impact on both individuals and relationships.

Learning how to help a partner with trauma can give you an opportunity to support your loved one’s journey while strengthening your bond. Do not try to fix them. Just try to understand how to help them, using healthy communication in finding out vulnerable things that can easily trigger the trauma. In the bid to learn and understand them, do not lose yourself or your identity, so that you yourself will not end up being   traumatized.

Relationships are formed every day, and they get broken every day. Relationships fulfil that need to belong, that need to have some form of human connection. In relationship, you not only give love, you are meant to receive it. Ideally, it is supposed to be a two- way thing. It forms companionships that shelter us from the tragedies of this world and circumstances in life.

The process of relationships can be difficult. This is particularly true when your partner has significant emotional challenges.

When your partner has endured trauma of any sort, such challenges can rise to the surface and shape both their experience of themselves and your experience of your relationship.

However, while trauma often presents its own sets of sadness and challenges, it can be the birth of a new dawn for you and your partner. There is a process to recovery, and if done the right way, it can enhance the love between you both. In addition, it strengthens that bond, if well nurtured to be everlasting.

There are few steps to take in ensuing traumas do not affect you relationship negatively.

They may appear difficult to do at a time, but with practice and a commitment to get things sorted, you can do it.

Believe in your partner

It sounds easy right? But this simple thing often causes issues amongst partners. Many people at times due to what they may have suffered may have a fear of being disbelieved.

Denial is a common response to the disclosure of abuse or any trauma deeply rooted and hidden in the life of your spouse. You have to do better by believing them. Treat them with respect even if you have the urge to not believe them. It is important to put those feelings aside.

Gaps in their words may cause some inconsistencies most at times may be because of the pain of the memories. Do not rationalize their pain away and this will do more harm than good. “I believe you” can be deeply empowering and it can be important to vocalize your belief in order to reduce their fears.

Believing your partner does not just mean believing in what they tell you about the events, but also the effects on their life. Believe your partner when they share their pain with you and how trauma has impacted their life.

Sometimes, you may not clearly see a connection between their traumatic experiences and their subsequent behaviour but try to trust their story unless if have reasons not to believe them

Try to cure them of trauma

Healing from a trauma takes time. It’s a process and a painful, time-consuming and confusing one. It is natural to want to cure them or find a way to fix them. Listen to them, validate their feelings, show them you are there for them. Just be present and patient, let them heal on their own. Give them the time and space to find themselves. Try to emotionally supportive as much as you can. Don’t use love to cover it all, face the facts with sympathy. Bear witness to their journey by being available when you can at the same time letting them be on their own terms.

Let communication lines be open

Trauma can have long lasting wounds, but communication helps a lot. It may be difficult, and at some point, there will be struggles due to wounded emotions like fear, shame and guilt.

For your partner, being able to talk about their trauma and its effects can be tremendously powerful and creating an environment in which that can happen is essential. Show that you are willing to listen and support and if they do share, a simple, “Thank you for telling me. I love you and I’m here for you” is often the best thing you can possibly say. However, your loved one may not be ready to talk about their experiences—in fact, they may never want to talk about their experiences—and that is okay too. Disclosure can be a complicated process and is not useful or emotionally safe for everyone in every situation. Accept and respect your partner’s needs and do not push them for information they are not prepared to offer.

Sometimes, things are easier said than done. However, in all, it is the effort and motive to help that count. Trauma can come in many forms, trauma from a bad relationship, from an abusive relationship, trauma from mother wounds or father wounds, sibling rivalry, all sorts can be experienced. The important thing is to be able to identify this pain point and know when to take action and how to support them. Believing that with time, everything will be okay. I wish you all the best.

Rois Ola

Some say love is blind. True for some people and not true for some. Personally, I would say this is a relative term and an arguable one at that.

Relationships need work, care, attention, commitment, loyalty and honesty. It takes two to make it work which is a fact. Relationship involves two adults with the ability to accept each other’s mistakes and forgive. The capacity to forgive, overlook and ignore works differently for everyone.

We all know   that love is about action.  Love   needs to be nourished, kept vibrant and have the power to endure through hard times and not just in good times only. We all have various beliefs on the concept of having a soul mate, even if you are someone’s soul mate, you still have to work on the relationship, keep the relationship healthy is not for one person only, it is for everyone.

The amazing thing about relationship is that you can indeed be with the right person, who is your “soul mate”, and still face numerous problems in your relationship because every relationship has and will have its own fair share of problems, no one can exist in a relationship without facing problems if you stay together long enough, sometimes the longer you are together the more problems you will face. The important thing to know is how to solve relationship problems without breaking up? Because if these issues are not properly and maturely handled, there will most definitely be a break-up.

How you are able to sort your relationship problems is what shapes your love life and defines the health status of your relationship.  When you and your partner experience issues, quarrels, challenges and arguments, you know that you both need to answer  some questions in all sincerity and honesty.

Do you try to amicably fix things? Do you take a temporary break from the relationship? Will taking a break from a relationship work? Should you seek out advice from councillors on relationship challenges?

I will share a few ways to solve problems in relationship without breaking up. Please, note that there will be more than one way to resolve issues. It all depends on what works for you and your partner.

Let us say that things between you are not at their best right now.  You have some long or short term relationship issues.

You’ve been in a sad or perhaps destructive cycle:  fighting, making up, fighting again, ignoring each other, trying to communicate, but failing to do so in a healthy way.

You are at a point where you are seriously considering taking a break from the relationship and fed up with recurring arguments. There are so many couples who have taken various steps in resolving issues by first taking a break or time out from each other. Some say it is a healthy way to sort issues. I won’t say it is or it is not, but it works differently for everyone.

Time out from your relationship

If you and your partner decide that taking time out would be a good idea, it is essential that you both agree on some specific rules that you would respect during this trial period.  Some suggestions include:

1. An end date for the time out. The date at which point you two agree to evaluate the usefulness of the relationship break, and you decide whether or not to remain in the relationship or walk away.
2. Would it be acceptable to date others during the break?
3. Is sex with others allowed? If so, always use protection, so you do not put yourself or your partner at risk, especially if you are intending to come back together
4. What will your communication look like during the break? It may be best to not communicate, to give yourselves a chance to “miss” each other.
5. This will also allow you to tune into any feelings that might arise when your partner is not present. Are you happier? Sadder? This will help you determine if your relationship is worth saving.
6. Use your time away from each other wisely. See friends you neglected during your relationship.
7. Take up a new sport or hobby. Journal your feelings. Be selfish:  you only have yourself to concentrate on now in other words practise self-love. If you have never done it before please learn.

Sometimes a break is indeed a valuable step to take towards resolving relationship issues, and sometimes a break leads to the break-up of the relationship so like I said it works differently for each couple.

Whatever the outcome, it will be the one that was meant to be. If he or she is for you, then you will both find a way. Every relationship issue has its own peculiar solution.

Good communication is important, or some level of communication, which is better than no communication. Of course, no communication leads to the eventual break-down of the relationship. One of the first tools you will use on how to avoid a break-up is your words.  Both of you need to be able to respectfully communicate your side of the story in order to move towards respect being the key word here. If you cannot manage this successfully, then you need to urgently find a neutral mediator to help you both.

What drew you together?

Going backward, figure out what drew you both together. Like when you both first met. What’s the gist behind you both meeting up. Can those feelings be revived?

Change your boring lifestyle, learn to make life interesting for both of you. This takes effort not just words.

Find out how to balance it and find what makes each of you happy. You have to try not to take each other for granted. This very easily happens. After a while, arguments will start and a once healthy relationship becomes toxic.

Try new things together, no matter how small. Short weekend trips to places you’ve never seen before.

Life is not a fairytale so is your relationship

Let us face it, not many of us are informed that life is not sweet 24/7. One of the best bits of advice that couples can implement when  resolving issues in a relationship is to know that: Love is not a fairytale.  When you put two people together, you automatically have two different ways of looking at the world. We are talking about two entirely different thoughts, ways of reasoning, upbringing, background, tribes and sometimes religion too! So just imagine a million and one issues that can cause conflict.

Rois Ola

Money can destroy families and friendships. It causes rivalry and even destroys relationships. Couples can have a lot going for them, but when it comes to money, problem arises. Maybe one person chooses not to open up to the other person their true financial status or is hiding debts or embarrassing habits related to finance from their partner.

Some go as far as ensuring there is no financial trace to all their dealings, like deleting alerts, both sms and email, avoiding any financial discussions, spending more than the other person or spending less to deceive the other that they don’t have. Even as far as having heavy investment or property without disclosure. There are many reasons for this. But it’s something that cannot stay hidden forever unfortunately. We have cases where people stayed in rented apartments not knowing the house actually belongs to their spouse. Or business men having huge balances and not letting their spouses know. Secret now comes out upon the death of the wealthy one.

Ideally, financial status should not matter when relationships are involved because what we are trying to preach here is financially transparency. A lot of people have bad experiences which have made them to stop. You may be madly in love with someone, but please have it in mind that when you get serious, you’re joining your financial statuses together, no matter how good or bad the status is. So you need to love with your eyes open and medulla oblongata intact.

So my question is why are you arguing with your spouse about money?  You are definitely not alone. When you put together partners and money side by side, you will surely have days where how money is spent becomes an issue will let loose, arguments on how much to spend to buy food for the house and someone is requesting for a pair of shoes or Gucci hand bag or human hair costing the same with a plot of land.  Do you know money is one of the major issues people in relationships fight about? It sometimes can lead to a serious breach in communication and if not handled well, end up in divorce.

Trying to merge your life and that of your spouse, especially in relation to money is not easy. It is a continuous work in progress as each individual has their own perspective. Here are a few mistakes couples make when it comes to their money and relationships and possible ways to avoid or handle them. The truth is talking about money with your partner is the key to handling the issues before they even come. Before settling down with anyone ask the necessary questions.

Cheating your partner and spending on the side man or side chick

Any type of affair, same sex or otherwise, can destroy a relationship. And when the wayward partner has been running up bills, no matter how small, it is with some side chick or side cock, side goat or whatever they are called these days, this will only worsen the issue.

If you decide after all the turbulence to stick to each other, that is if you are both patient and strong enough. You will need to get counselling or have a serious heart to heart talk with each other. This is not easy at all, but it can work, if you are committed. Nobody plans to cheat, sometimes it crawls up on you and overtakes you, which is why even in relationships one needs to be emotionally intelligent so you don’t get sucked into what will hurt your spouse, guard your heart and thoughts jealously.

From a financial aspect, the erring partner going forward needs to be transparent the person who betrayed their partner would have to be willing to make all financial transactions transparent, what this implies is that you will have to willingly inform you partner on all financial transactions and discuss on what you spend, thereby making you financially and emotionally accountable.

Hiding your debts

This, I am so sure, will not be news to you, while you may not be doing this, you will at least know one or two people doing this. Why? Because it is a common situation amongst friends, family and people in relationships.  Hiding debt is not just keeping mum about the money, it also shows that there are fundamental issues of trust amongst couples who experience this.

It may be difficult to discuss this particular one, but you have to start it anyway. So the first step is to not judge, shout or make the person feel worse. Let your statements always have “we” so that they know you are interested in helping them sort it out, as long as she or she is not a chronic debtor, in that case immediate counsel is needed.

Giving money to either family member

This is another issue with trust. Sometimes family members come up with business ideas and ask you to get involved. Sometimes they come asking for money all the time and you keep giving, even at the detriment of your own needs and those of your spouse or immediate family needs. A toxic relationship can erupt here, as one spouse will be forced to take sides or quarrel with family because of money not being paid back. At the end of the day, it boils down to who you perceive to be right or wrong.

It is still possible to fix trust between two people, though a difficult thing to accomplish, as one may need to create boundaries. You will have to accompany your spouse as a team with one voice and tell them (family) how you feel and what they need to do to rectify the situation. This will clear the air and let family know that you have a unified front and destroy any doubts anyone has been experiencing or feeling. Also any misconception on repayment needs to be cleared and put in the open.  You may not recover the loan, but at least will have been put in proper perspective and ensure it doesn’t happen again. I wish you all the best.