The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Is it good to confess your secrets?

    Is it good to confess your secrets?

    With Rois Ola

     

    THERE’S a general assumption that secrets are bad. Honesty is expensive and something that if not properly handled can affect so many things in a relationship.

    Telling lies, hiding things are issues that partners should be accountable for. In this case, all manner of small and big secrets, but really who is to say what’s small or big in terms of secrets?

    What may be small to you will appear mighty to another person. A minor misdemeanor is another person’s betrayal. And betrayal of any sorts cuts deeper even than a sword because some wounds don’t heal quickly.

    The ability to handle confessions or confess relates differently to people. Some people may misbehave and quickly confess while some will wait till they get caught. Now remorse on misdemeanor is any discussion that can take days to argue on.

    I will discuss a few of these secrets with you below, just a few, because people experience so many more. These are tips that have been shared before, but will share again based on feedback from people

     

    Secret of having affairs and/ or one-night stand

    I believe that the damage a secret can cause in your relationship depends on your personal perception. Also in some cases, how your partner perceives it to be, the more you keep it, the harder it is to confess. The secret will not give you peace of mind. I had a case of someone who had a one-night stand, that was meant to be “meaningless” the cost of keeping over time became an additional burden. Let’s not even talk about porn, debt, gambling, another wife or husband hidden somewhere or having a constant side chick or side bae, an ongoing relationship that does not seem to have an expiry date. Coming clean means you have to change, are you ready to?

     

    Effect of confessions

    It may be a relief at long last to get a secret off your chest and finally be free. But what about the person who has been kept in the dark? How can you tell what the reaction will be? Secrecy is deadly.   It is nearly always better not to have secrets, but sometimes it might be better to keep quite in a wise Head, the decision is yours. You have to think about what you’re hoping to achieve and be ready for the consequence, you also have to think about keeping quiet and be ready for what comes after or maybe never just maybe.

     

    Secrets of the family

    For any family, there should be boundaries on secrecy. While some couples may think there is nothing wrong in letting the kids know about what goes on between the couple it is not ideal to be too open or frank with them, especially if they are not old enough to fully comprehend issues on ground. Honesty is best. But that doesn’t mean revealing all the dirty details. I usually advise that couples should censor with wisdom their words and think carefully about motives before you give away too much about your life or issues between you and your partner

    Ultimately, it’s up to you as a couple to decide what’s appropriate for them. But never underestimate the impact of revealing secrets to your children. Be wise

     

    Steps to take if you decide to confess a secret

    — Think about how your partner will feel. Will it be good? Will it be bad or downright ugly? Put yourself in his or her shoes.

    — It’s an awesome relief if you have now decided to come clean yourself. It’s much harder if you get caught with that secret and also difficult if you are the one it is being hidden from.

    — Be ready for hard work because when trust is lost, gaining it back is serious pressure. Your every move after this will be scrutinized closely, you must be ready. And it will take time. Sometimes it is difficult to gauge the real depth of damage confessions bring. It’s just a risk one may have to take to set things right.

    — The onus will now be on you to lay emphasis that you believe honesty is a risk worth taking because you value the relationship (that will not be easy to say).

    — Have it in mind that if your relationship is truly strong, and you are prepared to put in the work, and also face the music, then confession can lead to renewed trust and closeness. You just have to try and convince them that you will not or never repeat those things and own up quickly when you need help to resist. I wish you all the best.

  • Do you prefer to be his woman or his kept-woman?

    Do you prefer to be his woman or his kept-woman?

    By Rois Ola

    A very happy Sallah to our Muslim brethren and to you my esteemed readers! How was yesterday? I do hope we did not overdo it. To my fellow ladies, do not forget that we need to remain in shape so let’s ensure that we don’t overdo anything, drinks, food and so on.

    As women, we need to decide which side of the fence we want to be on. The old  story of Tiger Woods , the golf player, really got me thinking of how chains of women were bold enough to come out and say ”Oh, he made love to me on the floor, in the bathroom, in his garage, in the hotel room, in the lift lobby.  Give me a break! Truth is that such can only happen in that part of the world. How many of us here as married men’s mistresses (kept women) can be bold enough to come out and say a Tiger Wood had sex with me on the floor!

    The Tiger-Woods of Nigeria can sleep with us anywhere and everywhere, yet not even the walls dare to talk about it.

    Today’s piece is about which of the ladies shoes would you rather be . Do you prefer to be the wife or the mistress? The one he loves to have sex with, anytime and anywhere? In other words, his sex slave? Or do you desire to be his companion, the mother of his children, his confidant, the person he is seen with on every occasion? At the risk of sounding judgemental, I still think it is better to be his woman rather than to be his kept woman.

    Most men are scared stiff of commitment, some will rather court you till they are fed up. As women, there are ways to making men change their minds about their original intentions towards us. I am aware that when a man sights an attractive lady, sex quickly comes to mind. How will she be in bed? It is now up to us, if we are content with just having them sleep with us or show that there is more to us that just sex. Women are blessed with the gifts and know-how of getting men to take them to ‘next level’ if you like.

    I recall years back when my late mum’s first cousin came to pay her a courtesy visit with a lady on his arms. When he left the lady at our sitting room and joined my mum in the kitchen, my mum could not wait to ask him if the lady was ‘our’ wife to be?  He laughed and said: ”Aunty, so if I bring this type as a wife to be, would you believe me? She’s not my type. She’s just my part-time lover”. Dearest readers, today they are married with kids to match! Do you call it fate, may be or may be not, or you think it was destiny, you may also be right. But practically speaking, the lady knew in her heart he was going to be her husband and it happened.

    Read my lips; a man will treat you the way you allow him to. Research has shown this in 95 out of 100 cases.

    When he treats you like his ”spare” girlfriend, it is because you have allowed it.

    I recall an aunt of mine who is now in Canada once dated a guy that would make love to her countless times but refused to be seen with her in public. Till date, his reasons are not known. Luckily, my aunt is happily married to a journalist who simply adores her.

    She allowed her ex to maltreat her for so long. She became his beck and call girl until fate brought her in contact with a man that practically worships the ground that she walks on.

    You will agree that at the wooing stage, the man starts out being very enthusiastic about you. So, when he stops or drops the degree of enthusiasm, what do you think happened?

    Chances are that you were ahead of him in the emotions, department, and you showed him more than you should. Fine, you love him, but please don’t choke him to ask him how serious he is with you. Girl, actions and more actions speak volumes. Men do generally love to do the chasing, it actually thrills them. Please do allow him lead the trek of the heart.  Do not continue to allow him treat you like a ”spare” girlfriend, someone he sees when he is in the mood, biding his time until another woman rekindles that enthusiasm he had with you in the early part of the relationship.

    Do not allow yourself to be the girl he calls up at last minutes; it means you are nothing but an afterthought. Sometimes you need to show him with your actions what you will and won’t put up with. And show him without adding anger that you are not his beck and call girl.

    Romantic love has different dynamics than ‘’unconditional love.”

    When in a romantic relationship with a guy, don’t scold him for not being around, get a life for yourself. Show him that you don’t wait by the phone, do not be too clingy, trust me, it scares men away when you are doing the chase, so avoid it when necessary.

    Don’t scold him for not being around. Ensure you are busy having your own full life.

    Do give him room to pursue you, but avoid the expectations’ talk. If he stops pursing you, then don’t ask him if he’s no longer interested. You assume that he is not. And you keep your life going the whole time. You haven’t heard the last of him if you act that way, he will come back for you.

    Do not commit to a man in the hope that he will then be inspired to commit to you. That will make him think that other guys have rejected you for some reason and that he is your last hope. Most men enjoy doing the chase. Please, don’t take that away from them. They need the process. A man wants a woman who is anything but desperate or ‘glued’ on him before he has earned it.

    If you already find yourself in this category, not to worry, it can still be remedied. If you realise he is not the man for you, then may be he is not man enough for you.

    It is important for us to device means of winning and keeping our men.

    A wise woman once said that “all women are prostitutes, the only difference is that the married ones have only one customer.

    Stay safe

    Shallom.

  • How to improve communication in a relationship

    How to improve communication in a relationship

    By Rois Ola

    The saying “communication is the key” to any relationship is not new. Personally I think it’s really easy to tell people that communication is important in a healthy relationship, but it’s not as easy to explain how to communicate, when to communicate, because it involves both verbal and body language. And if we’re never taught how to use this key, then we’ll never be able to open the door to healthy communication and keep experiencing challenges.

    Communication is said to be successful when you can convey or share ideas and feelings. You cannot be a great talker, and not be an equally great listener in order to be a great communicator. Communication is about expressing yourself in a healthy way, listening to your partner when they are doing the same, and really hearing and absorbing what the other person has to say, not just talking aimlessly.

    Try these tips for communicating better in your relationship

    1. Try asking open-ended questions as regularly as possible.

    Communication is not just about talking about each other’s days and saying what you had to eat for lunch.  It’s about being able to dig deep and get to know this person as well as you can. It’s not always easy to dig deep, especially for those who have never been comfortable talking about their feelings. And it’s not necessary to make every conversation a heart to heart.

    There are ways to do this without pressuring your partner to spill their deepest secrets. For example, instead of asking yes or no questions like “Did you have a good day?” try asking more open-ended questions like, “How was your day?” Yes, they may respond with a brief non-answer (“good”, “fine”, “the same”), but asking open-ended questions gives them an opportunity to share more if they choose to. Keep in mind that not everyone opens up very easily. Be patient with your partner if they are not sharing all the time.

    The more you get to know your partner. On a deeper level, the more open and honest you may be with each other. And honesty breeds trust, which are two very important pillars of a healthy relationship. Basically trust helps build good relationship.

    1. Try to be sensitive to nonverbal cues

    If your partner says “my day was fine” but their tone sounds irritated, upset, or angry, then there may be something else that they’re feeling but not yet ready to communicate. Communication is not just about the words we say but also how we say them. Our tone and our attitude give away a lot more than just the words coming out of our mouths. And it’s honestly a skill to be able to pick up on those nonverbal cues. Look at your partner’s facial expressions, their hands (are they trembling/fidgety?), their body language (Are they making eye contact? Are they crossing their arms?) and listen to their tone of voice. It may not be easy at first but with time you will understand them better and see obvious signs.

    1. Resist trying to assume what they are thinking

    Sometimes you can tell just by looking at someone what they may be feeling. It’s not always easy to do this and let’s face it: as much as we want to be mind readers, we aren’t and shouldn’t have to be. So, if you’re not sure what your partner is feeling, ask them.

    If you’re the one holding things in and expecting your partner to read your mind, take a moment to appreciate the fact that your partner is making an effort by asking you what’s going on rather than ignoring the problem. Do your best to let them know how you’re feeling when you’re ready to open up about it. It’s not healthy to say you’re okay when you’re not and then get mad at your partner for not figuring it out. Be honest about how you feel to the best of your ability, and try to express it in a healthy way before it gets to the point where it blows up and someone says something they regret. Being direct is always better than being silent.

    If your partner is the one who is guilty of being silent, try letting them know that it’s not really helpful for either of you when they’re not honest about how they feel. Of course, it’s awesome when we know each other so well that we can practically read each other’s’ thoughts and know exactly what to say in the right moments, but we’re human and we may make mistakes sometimes or miss signs that seem obvious to our partner or vice versa. It’s important that you both make an effort to better understand each other and be patient with each other, too.

    1. Tell your partner what you need from them

    Sometimes we may just want to vent and feel validated by having our partner support us.  Other times, all we may require is  advice. Like I said before, none of us are mind readers, so it’s important to try to keep your partner informed so that you’re on the same page. Saying something beforehand like, “I need to vent right now and I’m not looking for any advice, just your support,” or, “I really need your advice on this situation,” will let them know exactly what you need in that moment.

    Being direct about what you need can alleviate some of the miscommunication or stress in a given situation, too. By letting them know ahead of time, we can maybe prevent those unnecessary disagreements brought on by a miscommunication.

    Communication is a skill

    Ultimately, communication is a skill, which means there’s always room for improvement. Work together with your partner to figure out how you can maintain healthy communication and stay on the same page. Be as honest, direct, kind, and thoughtful as you can. Whether it’s with a Bae Sesh, or simply making a bigger effort to open up to each other.

    Ways to improve communication in your relationship

    1. Ask how they are daily

    Check in every day. Asking “How are you? How was your day?” will not only keep you in touch and in sync, it’ll help keep you in the habit of communicating with each other.

    1. Never assume

    It’s easy to get worked up in your own head about something, but never actually reach out to the other person. Assumptions and mind reading usually lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

    Communication isn’t just about talking; it’s about being an active listener. Who is an active listener? “[They] listen to what their partner says, rather than get defensive without understanding the partner’s point of view or where they’re coming from, so be patient and actually listen.

    1. Have regular relationship check-ins

    Just like you should ask how they are every day, you need to check in about the big stuff too. Make sure that you ask, “How do you feel about us?” and if there are any big changes — moving in, getting engaged, going on holiday— make sure you talk about them regularly. It gives you both an important platform to air concerns.

    1. Believe things can exchange

    Part of having positive conversation and communication is having a positive attitude. Don’t approach problems as though they’re impossible to solve.

    1. Respond

    If your partner is reaching out to you, be there to meet them. Couples try to ‘ get each others attention throughout the day, whether it’s for support, conversation, interest, play, affirmation, feeling connected or for affection,“Each of these moments is an opportunity to connect with your partner. A person should look for someone who responds to them, or at least acknowledges them when they try to get their attention, because it shows that they are meeting your emotional needs —or at least trying to.”

    Whether it’s just talking about their day or trying to discuss big issues, recognize that they’re reaching out and meet them.

    1. Talk things through before they happen

    If you know you have a stressful time coming up, touch base beforehand.

    1. Say “thank you” and always be grateful even for the little things

    “A great way to build intimacy is expressing gratitude for something thoughtful your partner did that day,” it really is very simple. The words thank you and well done go a long way.

    1. Discuss your sexual fantasies

    Being able to talk about sex openly doesn’t just mean you’ll both be more satisfied. It shows a real connection.

    1. Communicate during sex

    You don’t need to be into dirty talk to communicate during sex. Giving verbal cues is great, but moaning, leading their hands, even just saying what feels good are all great ways to make sure that the communication is happening in all areas of your relationship — bedroom included.

    1. Pick your timing

    So often we bring something up when we’re feeling frustrated or annoyed. But pick your timing. Don’t bring up a big problem if there’s no time to discuss it properly. Don’t approach your partner with a bunch of small problems while the stressing about something big. You’ll know when it’s a good time.

    1. Take the time to compliment and praise each other

    If you get too comfortable with each other, it’s easy to only bring things up if they’re bothering you. You start to get complacent about the good things and take them for granted, which can breed resentment. Keep pointing out what you appreciate and love about each other.

    It might feel as though communication is all about those big, deep conversations. In reality, it’s all about maintaining the little things. You may not get it all at once but keep trying. I wish you all the best.

  • How to build forgiveness in a relationship

    How to build forgiveness in a relationship

    Rois Ola

     

    A lot of times we all believe saying good bye is a true end to everything of bad relationships but Goodbye is not always the answer and this is the case for both old and new relationships. No matter the level of mistakes you are currently facing in your relationship, it’s always worth it to try again as long as you know that both of you are willing to still make it work, emphasis on BOTH, because one person cannot achieve it alone. Being able to forgive and to let go of past hurts is a very important aspect in relationships .It helps to keep you healthy both emotionally and physically.

    For a fact there are some things that cannot easily be forgiven, they can be forgiven but not as quickly as some other things, not only because of the hurt that they have caused but also because of how it already tainted your trust in your partner and in your relationship. If you are stuck in this cycle of constantly failing to forgive no matter how much your partner has changed, this article will help you understand in clearer times the reason(S) why you need to forgive.

    One of the most important things I have experienced and learnt is that, forgiving and letting go may be one of the most important ways to keep you strong and sane. Some transgressions are so harmful and disastrous that a relationship may not be able to survive, but forgiveness can still play a role to healing and making things better, but of course time heals all wounds.

    The Importance to your health 

    Holding onto hurts, disappointments, annoyances,  even betrayals, insensitivity, and anger, you  will discover in no time that you are wasting both your time and your energy. Nursing your hurt (whether real or perceived) for too long can eventually make it turn into something more hate and extreme bitterness. And living a bitter life with who you supposedly love or care for only causes more damage than good.

    Not being able to forgive can also wear you down. It takes both a physical and mental toll on you causing depression and sometimes suicide. Resentment gains momentum and chips away at the foundation of your well-being and your relationship. The magic is in being able to share your feelings.

    The importance of forgiving your partner

    Betrayal of trust is a hard pill to swallow. I have been there and still doing what I can to heal, there are a number of ways one can use to find a place of forgiveness when you have experienced betrayal. Look at each method and find the combination that works best for you.

    • Be open to give and receive forgiveness.
    • Make an intentional decision to forgive your partner.
    • Think of a constructive and positive thing to do to distract yourself from dwelling on those thoughts, when images of the betrayal or hurt flash in your mind,
    • Refrain from throwing an error or mistake back in your spouse’s face at a later date, yes I know this is difficult, but try; don’t use it as ammunition in an argument, it takes practice but try not to.
    • Accept that you may never know the reason for the transgression, behavior, or mistake, confession may be very difficult to give or listen to, so accept you may never get the full story and move on.
    • Try not to seek revenge or retribution; trying to get even will only extend the pain and chances are good that this won’t really make you feel better anyway.
    • Remember that forgiveness does not mean that you condone the hurtful behavior.
    • Be patient with yourself. Being able to forgive your partner takes time. Don’t try to hurry the process.

    Get professional counseling to help you let go and forgive if you are still unable to forgive, or you find yourself thinking on the betrayal or hurt regularly, it won’t be easy but better to make an attempt than nothing at all.

    1. Put a stop to remembering the pain and hurt.

    If you want the wound of a mistake to fully heal, you should stop touching it – because what comes after healing is forgiveness, especially if it was done by someone you truly love. Stop thinking about what happened in the past and how it made you feel – as long as the lessons have been learned, you should do your best to stop reliving the pain and hurt. Move on and everything will follow.

    1. Try Give your partner a second chance, if they want it and are willing to work for it.

    People make mistakes and you, yourself, had your own share of regrets in the past. If you did something hurtful to someone you love like your partner, wouldn’t you want to be given a second chance? Just like how you think you deserve that chance, you should also give the same thought about your partner.

    As long as you know that they know what they did, how it affected your relationship, and the things that they should do to avoid repeating the same mistakes, then they deserve that second chance.

    1. Appreciate the changes they’ve made or trying to make.

    It can be hard for someone to change but do you wonder why they still try? Because they know that it’s the only way for them not to lose you – they want to stay and they’ll do everything for your relationship to be what it once was before, or better.

    1. Try to Make an effort to reach out.

    Perhaps your partner doesn’t feel like talking about the mistakes that they have done in the past that they tend to be quiet about how they truly feel. Their need to be forgiven sometimes makes them scared that they might say the wrong words again, and it might make things worse. What you can do is to assure them that your relationship is their safe place – they should not stop being who they are or stop expressing their thoughts just because they’re afraid to offend their partner again.

    1. Tell yourself why you fell in love.

    If all else fails, the best thing that you can do for yourself and your relationship is to remember why you are in this relationship in the first place. How did you fall in love? What are the things that you like about this person? What are the happiest memories you have together? Are those qualities still there?

    1. Pray for help and healing from God

    Let your faith and spiritual strength show you the way to find forgiveness in your heart. Sometimes, when you are hurting and in pain, you lose the courage to forgive someone who had caused you pain. What you can do is to pray for enlightenment and guidance, for wisdom and for healing, so that you will be able to have the strength to give your love another chance.

    1. Together, start over with a new love story if they are willing to.

    Let your road to forgiveness open a bigger door to a new stage in your relationship. Start over, start anew – and do this together. In order to build forgiveness in your relationship, you have to make an effort to take the first step. The road may look narrow and daunting, but never let this fear weaken your faith in the promise that you have made together.

    How to Ask you partner for Forgiveness

    If you are the one who has caused hurt and pain for your partner, you can ask for forgiveness in in order to rebuild trust in the relationship. Remember to give yourself and your partner time when working through the process. Time heals wounds if you allow it to.

    • Show true contrition and remorse for the pain that you’ve caused, let them see that you are sorry for what you have done.
    • Be willing to make a commitment to not hurt your partner again by repeating the hurtful behavior, any promise you make, you must fulfill.
    • Accept the consequences of the action that created the hurt, face them, deal with them directly and ensure it doesn’t happen again.
    • Be open to making amends and settling for peace.
    • Make a heartfelt and verbal apology; this includes a plan of action to make things right, sometimes words may not be enough.
    • Be patient with your partner. Being able to forgive you often takes time. Don’t dismiss your spouse’s feelings of betrayal by telling them to “get over it.” That will only make things worse.

    Everyone needs to forgive and to be forgiven. No healthy relationship, can be sustained over a long period of time without forgiveness. But remember that forgiveness isn’t absolution.

    Forgiveness is a conscious decision and a practice of releasing feelings of resentment. Forgiveness can provide you and your partner with the tools to process and move on. Even though you may find it find it difficult, being able to forgive is crucial for the long haul to so many things like your health, state of mind and general wellbeing, existing in an unforgiving state will destroy a lot of things for you. For you to succeed in living a fulfilled life, and enjoying relationships with others, you must learn to forgive. If it’s not working, then I pray God gives you the strength to make the necessary decisions and move. I wish you all the best!!!

  • Gaining respect in your relationship

    Gaining respect in your relationship

    By Rois Ola

    Being respected by your partner doesn’t just come to you like a free recharge card, you have to earn it and earn I mean work for it. It is everyone’s desire to be respected and not taken for granted by the one they love. Lack of respect kills intimacy; it destroys so many things and can crash all the precious things you have built with your partner.

    Respect is a powerful tool in every relationship. It is one of the major things that keep people happy together. Sometimes, people confuse respect and love as the same thing.

    In fact, they are two different things. Love and respect are two key ingredients of a healthy relationship. The following tips will help you to gain respect from your partner; In some relationships there is an equal amount of power and respect, and in others, one partner holds most of the power. To make things even more complicated, the power can shift at different points in your relationship. Maybe in the beginning you two never thought of power and respect because it felt equally distributed. But then, as time went on, you noticed things shifting and you felt like your boyfriend or girlfriend somehow had more power. Wait a second, weren’t you the Beyoncé of this couple? Or the Angelina Jolie? Power tussle sometimes can be complicated. Pride too causes power tussles and respect easily can be undermined making the other person feeling used and foolish.

    It’s normal for the power dynamic to shift in a relationship. Many things could have made the partnership structure change. But once it has swayed into a new direction (one that you may not love), how do you get on equal footing?

    Below are some ways you can gain some respect in your relationship, it may not address all, but it will address some aspects. I hope you gain some things from it to do better in your relationship

    1. Learn to speak up

    One way to become more powerful is to use your voice. Be clear about your wants and needs. If you don’t speak up for yourself, who else will? Remember, your partner ain’t no Syliva Browne, he or she can’t read your mind. Therefore, you need to use your words and tell him/her what you want and need in your partnership. One very good way to gain your partner’s respect is to speak up. People that are vocal always find it easy to gain respect everywhere. You can also apply this to your relationship. Use your voice. Your partner can’t read your mind. Therefore, you have to speak for yourself. When you are offended, let them know. And it’s very important to learn how to communicate with your partner effectively. As this will improve your relationship and help you gain respect from your partner drastically.

    1. Learn to be more independent

    It should not be mistaken that being strong and independent doesn’t mean you don’t need your partner in any way, it just shows that you are capable of doing things on your own, as a powerful individual. Being able to be self-sufficient while in a relationship is very important. Your partner will admire you for this strength which in turn will favor you.

    1. Learn to have boundaries

    Having boundaries is important Everyone has their own set of rules and boundaries that they are comfortable with. You will have boundaries in your relationship and it’s vital you keep them. There are some things that will cross the line for you and you need to be able to draw that line firmly.

    1. Learn to treat yourself the way you want others too

    Instead of following the yellow brick road, how about you follow the golden rule. An easy way of gaining respect is to treat your partner the way you would like to be treated. If you want respect and consideration you have to give it to your partner as well. If you don’t respect yourself, then who else will? It starts with yourself. You have to show how you want to be treated. This will come through with how you treat yourself. How do you talk about yourself? Do you give yourself any power? How do you view yourself? Take a moment to truly think about how you respect yourself. Remember, confidence is contagious.

    1. Learn to keep your word

    Saying something and doing the opposite is one way to quickly lose respect. Actions speak louder than words, this is not a new phrase to you I believe.  especially in relationships. So, if you tell your partner that there will be certain repercussions for something and you don’t follow through, he or she won’t take you seriously, ever again. So follow through all the time. Or even if you make a small promise to your lover, you must keep it. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

    1. Learn to not settle for less

    There’s nothing more confident and attractive as somebody who knows what he or she deserves. If you’re in a relationship where your partner knows he or she can get away with anything, well then, your power and respect have already gone out the window. Stand up for yourself and don’t be afraid to walk away from a relationship that isn’t beneficial to you.

    No one wants an indolent partner. A hard-working partner is always respected. Ensure that you do well at work and gain more accomplishment. Give your partner a reason to be proud of you. Give them the opportunity to show you off. You can’t gain your partner’s respect if you are indolent. The hard truth is that no one likes to be associated with a loser. Your partner wants to look at you and be proud. This will boost your confidence and respect with your partner. I wish you all the best

  • Eight tips to have a healthy relationship

    Eight tips to have a healthy relationship

    By Fasanmi Abiola

    Every relationship is unique. Individuals go into relationships for various reasons, some for fun and others for marriage and mutual connection. Regardless of these reasons, individuals who get included, want a relationship where they are companions with their accomplices.

    Building a healthy relationship is like cooking. If you don’t include a traditional and necessary ingredient, it can change the taste of the meal.

    The following are the steps to take to build a healthy relationship:

     

    * Communication

    The first step in building your relationship is to ensure that you are on the same page. Make sure you understand each other, your needs and expectations. In a relationship, you have to learn to communicate well with your partner as this helps you to understand who you are dealing with. Make your message clear and be sure your partner understands it.

    It isn’t just for you to talk but also listen. Listening is an effective communication skill that will help your partner open up and be more honest. When you really listen, you’ll hear the subtle intonations in your partner’s voice that will tell you if something is amiss. It doesn’t mean changing your opinion but can help you resolve the conflict by looking at a common point of view.

     

    * Trust

    Trust is a key component of a healthy relationship and the glue that binds relationships. Without trust, there is a probability that your relationship won’t last long. If you don’t trust the process, chances are you won’t be totally involved in the relationship. While it is true that some battle with trusting others, it is something that they have to embrace and learn to do especially with themselves first. Whether it is friendship or relationship, all bonds are built on trust.

    On issues surrounding trust, there are people who are not comfortable with the idea of a long-distance relationship. These set are of the opinion that this type of relationship can erode trust. However, there are success stories of people who were engaged in long-distance relationships. Learn to build yourself up with trust, it doesn’t matter if it’s a long-distance or close relationship. A relationship without trust is a time bomb. Trust means you can entrust your life with someone without looking back.

     

    * Compromise

    In a relationship, conflicts are unavoidable. However, you can come to an agreement in resolving it via compromise.. It helps balance you and your partner needs by considering both positions. Healthy compromise helps you and your partner grow together as a team. It shows you have a common goal in mind. Compromise isn’t selfish.

     

    *Peace

     

    While people assume peace is an abstract term, it is something that many do not realise comes from within and is their willingness to allow it reign in a relationship. Apologies, admitting when you are wrong, making an effort to change and respecting your partner are key in a healthy relationship. If you want to have peace in your relationship, it starts with you.

     

    *Love

    Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a choice. The decision to stay in love or out of love lies with you. That stated, a relationship needs continual love. You can demonstrate it by giving out gifts, creating time for each other, shopping. Contrary to popular opinion, to win in love, it has to be a give and take situation. It is not only the responsibility of a guy but both genders can contribute to it and express love the way you can.

    A popular quote states, “ Actions speaks better than words.” You can start with things you know your partner or spouse would love and do it with a positive mindset and not out of obligation to him or her. You can express it by cooking a meal, doing the laundry, among others.

     

    *Gifts

    You can pick out a lovely present for your partner, that is meaningful.

    * Physical touch

    Nothing is more impactful than the physical touch of your partner. Some partners feel more connected and safe in a relationship by holding hands, hugging and kissing.

     

    Quality Time:

    This love language is about undivided attention. You need to dedicate your time to your partner without distractions.

  • How to be happy without being in a relationship

    How to be happy without being in a relationship

    With Rois Ola

    Being married is not a do-or-die affair. You do not need a woman to complete you or a man to complete you. You need to be able to complete yourself.

    This concept is also known or called self-love. Something many of us do not know how to do because of religion and our culture.

    It takes a while to get used to in some cases, especially if you are the type that enjoys being around people, or the type that won’t be happy if you have no one to talk to.

    There are many wonderful things that come with singleness. However, there are also many reasons why being alone can make us lonely.

    Unfortunately, for many of us, loneliness becomes the centre of our attention instead of the good things that are worthy to celebrate. The magic is understanding why you are lonely, learning to deal with it and knowing how to handle it.

    Do you know that happy people attract healthy, happy and confident people? Somehow you radiate joy to all those around you and find people getting attracted to your shine.

    They won’t be able to help it .Being single allows you to be able to do things without having to consult someone or not needing to consider how your actions and decisions would affect your husband and child.

    You see, there are many reasons to enjoy the now, if only we learn to live for now. But more often than not, we focus on what we don´t have.

    If you have great difficulty learning how to live a life of singlehood, these are tips that can help you attract what you deserve provided you personally do not have unattractive characteristics or bad habits.

    Smile

    Have you ever noticed that when you are angry and it shows all over your body, you find it more difficult getting over the anger? According to several scientific researches, one in particular was led by clinical psychologist James Laird in 1960 which triggered further clinical studies, forcing yourself to smile has direct effect on your feeling of happiness.

    When you force yourself to smile, you feel happier.

    If you frown, you feel significantly angrier. Your thoughts wander to things that make you angry.

    Therefore, if you want to be happy, smile as often as you can. Make it a habit. Do it a few minutes every day. It may seem strange at first, but the more you try, the better you become.

    Always try to keep a smile on your face. Trust me, if you try it after a week, you will see the difference.

    Enjoy your walk or exercise             

    I`m a runner and a walker. I love taking long walks too sometimes, right from my university days when my husband and I trekked for survival. It became a part of us, and for me, it became therapeutic. I walk when I am angry or upset, and I see it helps quite a number of people too.

    A few months ago, I was hitting a daily target of 12,000 to 16,000 steps in a day. Oh yes. Better to walk than speak in anger. By the time I get back to my destination, there is no energy left in me to scream or shout. Words are sensitive. Once you drop them, that is the end.

    At first, it took me conscious efforts to be aware of the way I walked and to remind myself of the way I should walk in order to feel happier.

    In a matter of four weeks, I was able to change the way I walk. I now walk straight and take long steps. I smile and bounce and I enjoy swinging my arms. I often think of myself silly, but I couldn´t stop smiling to myself until I reach my destination.

    Read Also: How to break free of your past relationship

    Stop your negative thoughts

    One of the reasons why many people hate being alone is that being alone triggers negative thoughts. Once their partners aren´t around and the curtains are down, their negative thoughts start to act action films in their heads.

    The disadvantage in negative thinking is that it destroys you gradually, self-esteem and everything including confidence. How are you going to battle against such terrible thoughts that are too effective in putting you down?

    Once you stop believing those negative thoughts, you will be happier alone. In fact, you will appreciate more being with yourself. This is why you have to learn to love yourself.

    Happy talk

    Did you know that you can talk to yourself and make yourself feel happier? Have you ever tried it? I am not referring to mental instability kind of talk.  I mean self-talk from within.

    I guess you´ve tried more talking to yourself and making yourself feel worse.

    There is this critical, unforgiving side of yourself who tells you, “you´re ugly”, “you´re stupid”, “you´re not good enough”, “you´re a loser”, “you´re worthless”, and so on.

    But there´s a way to be proactive. You can reinforce positivity by talking to yourself positively and giving yourself positive affirmations.

    Some Christians raise objections to positive affirmations because they claim that these urge us to focus on ourselves and not God. But as a good Christian, you can learn to find the right balance.

    Here are some examples on how to talk to yourself happily. It will feel odd at first, but with practice, it will come naturally.

    • I feel surprisingly good about myself today.
    • I am beautiful. I´m a beautiful creature of God.
    • I think that I can make a success of things.
    • There is no replica of me anywhere because I am unique
    • I am loved by myself
    • I can do better

    Cultivate friendship with others

    If someone so special to you, especially your partner (suddenly) gets a new boyfriend, girlfriend or gets married, it will affect your relationship. You will start missing on your girls/boys` night outs or weekend get-togethers.

    So, take advantage of this time to make new friendships with other single ladies or other single guys. Make friends, make friends, make friends.

    Who knows? You may be the next to get a boyfriend or girlfriend as the case may be. Human beings are social beings.

    We need people to thrive, maybe not on the same level. But at some point, you will find out you can’t exist alone. So, married or not, you need a close circle, but  choose wisely. Happiness is a choice not a circumstance. I wish you all the best.

  • Art of self-love for a healthy relationship

    Art of self-love for a healthy relationship

    By Rois Ola

    When it comes to what is necessary to have healthy, thriving, passionate, intimate and trusting relationships, we are all looking for answers. Can it really be something as simple as self-love?

    We are all looking for the secret ingredient to the perfect relationship recipe that will fix all of our problems with our significant others. We are obsessed with how to love properly, how to express it in the right way and what we can fix about ourselves in order to do so.

    It’s all about you

    While this might seem a bit obvious – that the answer lies within – it’s the realist, harshest and most overwhelming and intimidating truth out there.

    Accepting yourself as you are is the answer to how to create the healthiest romantic relationship possible.

    Definitely not an easy road

    Self-love isn’t all about body positivity and incorporating new self-care routine (although those are important). At first, it is actually much more difficult.

    Self-love is staring your inner demons in the face until they cease to exist.

    It is facing your traumas, your insecurities, your mistakes, and your flaws, and overcoming them all.

    It is forgiving yourself for being imperfect.

    It is forgiving those that have hurt you – no matter how badly – and releasing those resentments for your own good.

    It is addressing where you have been toxic to yourself and to other people, and doing the work it takes to change it.

    It requires a lot of honesty with yourself, which can be a very difficult thing to do. However, once achieved, turns into something truly amazing.

    It will transform you

    While you once looked in the mirror with loathing and disgust, you now look in the mirror and see your best friend staring back at you.

    While you once were going to extreme lengths to change your outward appearance, you now only work on doing what is best for your optimal health.

    While you once settled, you now have raised standards.

    While some may state that this is conceited, it is extremely necessary that self-love and self-care become daily practices.

    Being single should not be scary

    If you are single, then self-love is your highest priority. It is easy to fall into the trap of constantly questioning why everyone around you is seemingly able to find love, while you are always struggling with it. It can cause you to find faults within yourself and highlight insecurities instead of provoking love for who you are.

    Try not to let it make you look desperate

    It can cause you to settle for the first person to come along that shows interest. The first spark that you feel with someone else can feel like potential for a serious relationship. Sometimes, however, a spark is just that – a spark. It burns brightly for a split second, then it dies.

    We want to believe so badly that spark is what we have been looking for, so we try to force a connection with someone who may not be a good fit for us at all.

    It’s like we try to squeeze this person into a mold of what we want them to be, but no matter how hard we force it, they will never fit. The fear of being single is so strong that we would rather settle for a once brightly lit spark that died out fast and is now nothing but a cold pile of ash.

    This is because we don’t love ourselves enough to turn down those that aren’t a good fit for us.

    What you really are missing from your life is you

    We have this notion that being alone is a negative thing. Yes, humans are social beings and are not meant to live alone forever. However, being comfortable alone is how to find love with someone else that you so desperately crave.

    When we are happy alone, we stop settling

    The fear of being single can be overcome when we genuinely enjoy being with ourselves. We have the confidence that someone else will eventually come along because, hell, we’re a catch. We are the complete package and anyone would be lucky to date us.

    We will eventually find someone who is compatible, who speaks a complementary love language, and that treats us how we deserve to be treated.

    Self-love teaches us that we can’t imagine settling for a spark when we deserve an eternal flame.

    It is one of the foundations for fulfilling relationships, alongside feeling safe with your significant other.

    The love that you feel like you have been missing your whole life isn’t the love you receive from a relationship, but the love you give and receive yourself. Then, when somebody else comes along they only add to the existing love you already have.

    When you treat yourself without respect or love, you basically give others permission to do the same. So set high standards for yourself. Be able to stand up for yourself and say: “I’m better than this. I’m not going to tolerate this happening to me.” If you don’t love yourself first, you’re not going to have any standard as to how others should treat you. When you have that unconditional self-love, it’s a lot easier to recognize when people are giving you less than you deserve. You’ll notice that as you grow in your self-love journey, you’ll cut ties with certain people because you realize they don’t make you feel good, they don’t uplift you, and they don’t help you grow. Yeah, it can be hard, and can even hurt. However, as your self-love increases, your tolerance for negativity, and disrespect decreases, and these toxic relationships just won’t be worth your time and energy anymore.

    Depending on other people to make you feel loved can result in unhealthy relationships not only with others, but with yourself. Honestly, if you don’t have a loving relationship with yourself, you can’t reflect love very well in your relationships with others anyway. At least not in the way that you could if you loved yourself first. This is the same concept as “you can’t pour from an empty cup” when we’re talking about self-care. Know your true, genuine self, and let your light shine. That way, whoever you attract is loving you for you, and not some sort of compromised version of you.

    So in a nutshell, self-love is healthy in a relationship. It is the art of  learning how to enjoy your space,  learning how to enjoy you, being happy with who you are even with your flaws and seeking to be better than who you were yesterday. I wish you all the best.

  • How to break free of your past relationship

    How to break free of your past relationship

    By Rois Ola

    So many of us at one time or the other have been emotionally hurt in relationships. We have felt weighed down by negative pasts and sometimes negative present. At times, this experiences the hurt trust we have for other people.

    It hardens us and makes us feel cynical, believing that any new love that comes our way is just a ticking time bomb. Sometimes making us even doubt our own ability to sustain healthy relationships with other people.

    If you can identify with these anxieties, you are not alone. Who out there really likes feeling vulnerable and wants to feel disappointed or hurt again? But the problem is that your negative feelings from past failed relationships won’t go away unless you deal with them.

    Once a relationship has ended, you need time to move through your feelings and come to peace with them. Negative feelings need to be expressed in a healthy way.

    You need enough time to get over these things, Unfortunately, most people blow off this process of healthily letting go of their soured experiences from past relationships.

    Hurting and wanting to feel better, they often don’t realize that the emotional quicksand traps of their past, are not easily avoided.  It is a process that you must go through.

    Almost everyone has past relationship baggage. What needs to be in place, though, is the willingness to examine and work through emotional hurts and difficulties.

    To succeed in a new relationship, both partners must be willing to get beyond any past hurts. If this does not happen, then one day a new partner seems to do something uncannily similar to an ex, triggering a chain of emotional reactions. Even though this is a new relationship partner, the feelings are the same, and usually the reactions are as well.

    Purging your emotional ghosts

    Stop dreading that you have no control over your emotional baggage—because you absolutely do. Following are three tips to help you move beyond your past relationship ghosts:

    1.Take responsibility and accept what the past is about

    You can try this first of all by saying to yourself (or the other person, if appropriate), “I allowed myself to fall prey to your negative ideas and toxic thoughts about me. But I will not allow you to control me anymore.”

    We can all move on and grow. An ex may have told that you were not good enough, but that does not mean you have to imagine your current partner is impossible to please.  You have to take the time to purge yourself of such thoughts and be strong

    Read Also: How to rebuild trust in your relationship

     

    1. Take adequate recognition of your emotional ghosts

    This is not about blaming your parents, girlfriend, boyfriend, ex-husband, old friends, or anyone else. And it is not that these individuals necessarily actually abused you.

    Whatever the extent of the dysfunctional behaviors and patterns you have been exposed to, you must remember that you are the one in control—not the ghost. Indeed, either you control the emotional ghost or it controls you.

    No one else can help you with this. Blaming another person for doing something to you can make you feel like a victim.

    But if you stay a victim, you could be doomed to repeat negative behaviors or perpetuate negative attitudes indefinitely and never be able to successfully have a healthy relationship.

    1. Separate yourself from the issues of the past

    There are certain qualities that others value in you.  You need to be able to trace and understand what led to those issues and connect the dots, to understand how best to react.

    Was your mother angry? Take note of how you are different. Remind yourself that she was angry because her father died and her family had few financial resources, so she ended up caring for her seven siblings or any other person close to you.

    • Human beings are emotionally vulnerable with an intimate partner: We put our hearts and egos on the line. Yet intimate relationships don’t always go the way we want, which can leave us with complicated feelings like sadness, grief, anger, guilt, and resentment.We often find ourselves replaying old conversations and scenes with an ex-lover, or our family members, while wishing we could have a second chance—and a new outcome. Anger is usually the most identifiable and pronounced emotion when a relationship ends.You must keep in mind that underneath anger are usually feelings of hurt, fear, sadness, and shame. Once the anger has passed, sadness may dominate, and these feelings need to be dealt with as well.Feelings of regret also need to be worked through so that you don’t cling to the hope that your partner will magically return, all new and improved.

      In most cases, with the passage of time and some emotional work, you are left with the sense that your relationship happened as it should have, that you learned from the experience, and that you’re ready to move on, hopeful that a better partner and relationship will soon come along.

    Here are some simple action points/steps you can apply to help you

    • Step 1: Critically analyse the situation Ask yourself why your ex is still enough of a presence in your life to be creating problems in your current relationship. Unless it’s because you share children, consider curtailing your involvement with them — or cutting off contact completely.
    • Step 2: search your soul in a sincere manner: Do you like having rivals for your attention? Are you keeping your ex as a back-up in case things don’t work out with your new partner? Do you harbor hopes of getting back together? If the answer is “yes” to any of these questions, you’re not being fair to either person.
    • Step 3: Learn to prioritize put your current partner’s needs and feelings ahead of your ex’s. If you can’t, consider what that says about your present commitment.
    • Step 4: Never ever, ever engage your ex. Don’t play along with an ex who’s intentionally trying to cause trouble. If they come by unannounced, don’t let them in.If they call and text incessantly, ignore them. If you have to call them back, do it in front of your current partner.
    • TIP: Beware of an ex who only wants you back when you are happily settled into a new relationship, such a person may be narcist in nature and have a point of playing games with people’s hearts.
    • Step 5: Always as much as possible be above board Don’t contact your ex behind your partners back. Live by this rule: If you wouldn’t feel comfortable telling your partner about it, you shouldn’t be doing it, is as simple as that.
    • Step 6: YOU MUST present a united front: It will show your ex you’ve moved on, and reassure your partner that your past isn’t a threat. Remember: Your ex can’t destroy your relationship without your help.
    • In all of this maturity counts a lot as both partners have to try as much as possible to be on the same page with a little patience, tolerance and love, you both can conquer. I wish you all the best!
  • Ways to save struggling relationship

    Ways to save struggling relationship

    By Rois Ola

    It is not new that couples will argue all the time, could be serious issues or not so serious issues. The fact is it is a natural thing for both short term and long term relationships. There will always be disagreements based on difference in opinions, lifestyle, upbringing and so on, but there are times when it reaches a point where everything is starting to fall apart. This often leads to devastating breakups – but it doesn’t always have to end that way.

    It may be easier said than done but it’s always important to have a little faith and ask these questions: Have you really done enough to save the relationship? Have you exhausted every possible option to say that it’s over? Is it really over? Is it possible to still push a little bit more? Is my partner even worth it? as in really?

    So how can you save a failing and struggling relationship? Note that there are times you may feel “I just don’t love him/her anymore,” especially when life’s struggles begin to overwhelm you. Here are the tips to save your struggling relationship and keep the love alive. It may not apply to everyone. You may already be doing some of these things. But there is no harm in doing a little bit more with some kindness.

    1. Admit that mistakes have been made

    This is probably the hardest, yet the most important part of saving a relationship. Admitting that one or even both of you have failed to do your part is not easy. In moments like this one, people tend to become stubborn and quickly activate their defence mechanism in order to avoid getting all the blame. Try to work together and start from there.

    1. Learn to negotiate and reach a compromise

    Most of the reasons why people breakup can actually be remedied and solved through negotiation. Sure, this is not a business relationship but romantic relationships follow the same structure of what makes any good partnership last – regular communication and openness to compromise. Talk about what needs to be done, what you can do to accomplish them, and what you should stop doing.

    1. Establish an “honesty zone” and talk about what’s bothering you

    Again, communication is important. But honest communication is more important and can dramatically mend an almost-breaking bond between two people. Being honest with each other and letting them know how you truly feel can be liberating and at the same time, it will let you both know what went wrong and what you can do to fix it.

    1. Remind yourself of the things that made you love your partner

    Memories can bring the past back to life – and it can help you remember the things and emotions that seem to fade over time. Most of the time, couples become too busy and preoccupied with other things in life and forget the ones that matter. Remembering helps us realize that there was once a time when you were so happy and in love with that person – and the good thing is, you can bring that day back again.

    1. Spend a quiet and relaxing time together

    Sometimes, you only need to stay away from the noise of daily life and just be together in a quiet place. The chaos of the big city might be making your head spin, or the stress of your job could make you feel that everything is wrong in your life. Relax, reboot, and do it with the person you love.

    1. Take a break from the daily routines of your relationship

    What if you just need a break from everything? It’s a waste to end something so beautiful just because you were angry or tired from the routines of daily life. However, there are times when the demands of the relationship itself makes you feel exhausted. It’s normal but it doesn’t mean that it will be like that forever.

    1. Don’t try to change people according to what you think is best

    You don’t decide what your partner should be or how they should act. All you can do is to guide them so that they won’t do things that could hurt themselves. It’s one of the most ruining part of every relationship when one person tries to control the other and aside from breaking their confidence apart, you are actually teaching your significant other to be ashamed and hate their true self. It’s unfair, don’t you think?

    1. Respect your differences

    In relation to the section above, you have to respect your differences because you are two different people. No matter how perfectly matched you are in the zodiac sign department or if you think you’re soulmates, there will always be differences because you both have gone through a lot of things as well and experiences that shaped each of you as a person.

    1. Stop hurting each other

    Arguments are normal and we sometimes say and do things that could hurt the other. Sometimes, when couples fight, they do and say hurtful things just to let it all out. Words can be wounding and sometimes it can cause permanent emotional trauma. If you think you cannot control your emotions during an argument, it’s not a good idea to talk. Find a way to release the negativity that you feel but not towards your partner.

    1. Don’t let them feel that you’ve given up

    Have a little faith in every piece of what makes your relationship whole. Don’t give up on what you have too easily and learn to fight for it no matter how hurt or heartbroken you are. It’s okay to admit that you feel hopeless but never say that it’s over until it is really over. If your significant other feels that you’re not doing your part to fix it, then it could lead to a final and ultimate goodbye

    1. Ask the questions that you’ve never asked before.

    When your relationship is at stake, learn to ask the right and most important questions. What should you do to fix it? What went wrong? Whatever happened to your promises of loving each other no matter what? What else can you do to save what you have?

    1. Open your heart and forgive more

    This can be the hardest thing to do. Forgiving the person who have hurt you, the very person who promised to take care of you and to make you the happiest soul alive, can be the greatest sacrifice that you’ll ever offer to someone. However, this does not mean that you have to embrace martyrdom, to forget and forgive. It’s important to know your limits and your worth. Ask yourself these questions: is this person worth my forgiveness? Is this worth another chance?