The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • 3 guys you must never marry

    Today, I feel led to share a secret my grandmother shared with me way back when I was a kid. She said: “There are three kinds of men you must never marry; a lazy man, a stingy man, and a drunk”. You might want to say that my grandma belonged to the old school and did not know what she was talking about, but guess what? With the benefit of age, experience, and research, I discovered that grandma was right. Let me explain why.

    1. The lazy man: God made women to be help mates, not room mates. The lazy man is the man who is too lazy to go out and get a job, his excuse? There are no jobs because the economy is bad. Even though he has a degree or learnt a trade, he can’t get or keep a job. Advise him to start a business, and he will give you one hundred reasons the business will not work, even though other people are doing the same business, and doing well at it. He might claim to want a wife, but does not really want one. What he really wants is a female husband. Why? He has no interest in working to provide for anyone, preferring to find himself a woman to provide for him. It reminds me of a friend whose husband does not pay the rent, or provide for the kids, rather she sends money to him abroad from time to time. When I asked her why she married him, she, “Because he is good in bed.” I wonder how much sex she is getting in a long distance marriage.
    2. The stingy man: The stingy man is not necessarily poor, but is simply a man who thinks that any money he spends on anyone but himself is a waste of money. I will never forget a guy I know who wears the latest, and most expensive clothes, gold jewelry, drives nice cars, and uses the most expenses gadgets. Unfortunately, he can never buy a lady dinner or gifts, yet wants to marry a fine girl. Trust Nigerian babes, he is close to 50 without a wife in sight. Babes, wise up and give a stingy guy space, except you are ready to live in want, in the midst of plenty.
    3. The drunk: This is the guy who has nothing else on his mind except his next drink. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not saying it is wrong to drink, but when it is the most important thing in his life, it becomes a problem. Such a man prefers to spend his money on booze, leaving the bills unpaid. He does not pay rent, school fees, or buy food. Wise babes will do well to keep well away. Obviously, he is not really marriage material. Ladies need to decide what is important to them, a husband or a liability? Take the time to study your admirers before deciding to accept.

  • Dealing with the problem of choice

    Good afternoon Harriet, I am so inspired by your publication. I wish to settle down but I am having problem with choosing a wife since I have some nice girls around me. Please I need your advice.

    Thanks.

    Name with held. Lagos.

    Thanks for your text message; we appreciate you sharing your situation and giving us the permission to publish it. Who knows, your story might help someone out there. The problem of choice is a great challenge for people who have nice close friends around them because there is the tendency of comparison, so the issue of settling down becomes almost impossible if they don’t address it properly.  I must commend you for being open about your condition. Acknowledging the fact that you need help is a step to finding solution to the problem. The key to making the right choice is balancing intuition and listening to your head. Although you can never be sure of all that the future outcome will be, one thing for certain is that nothing is worse than remaining in a state of indecision.  Marriage is a huge step; it’s a lifelong affair with many demands or challenges. These challenges can be describe as battle of life. For every action there is a reason behind it so what is your “WHY”: as a matter of fact, for you to want to settle down with someone you must have your reason so what is your reason. You must be able to answer this question sincerely. Next is to ask yourself who among these girls have what you want in a wife.   This question is very important because the number of divorce, separation and domestic violence is as a result of people getting married for the wrong reasons. People get into marriage for different reasons and this colour their expectations and fuel their fears. You must be able to know your purpose because a clear understanding of your ‘WHY’ for the marriage will determine the success of the union. Here are some common reasons; some people want to settle down due to pressure; it can be personal, friends and family. Pressure can actually lead to a wrong choice.  Another reason may be to satisfy a particular need, could be financially, emotionally, sexually, self-esteem (feeling worthwhile).other reasons may be trying to fill an emotional vacuum after a break up, looking for an escape because of a bad home life style or crisis pregnancy. Moving on there are also practical and basic issue for you to consider as well before making the choice of who to propose to among your nice friends, therefore you need to ask yourself further questions like;  what is your relationship with these good friends of yours?  Who among them are you truly in love with because no matter the number of close nice friends you have, there must be a particular friend among them that is an exception. The one you are always happy to be with and cannot wait to see.  How well enough do you know these your nice friends?  what are their likes and dislikes, who among your friends share the same value as you?  Who among your good friends do you communicate freely with?  Who are you really sure that you will be faithful to? Bearing in mind that a successful and fulfill marriage must have trust.   If you have been physically involved with these good friends of yours, it will be nice if you can step back a bit to evaluate your relationships because physical intimacy clouds our sense of judgment. Next is for you to check who among your friends share the same value as you.  Do you have a common ground with any of them?  What are their views about raising a family, monetary aspect, extended families, careers, and friends? This is the time to be clear about a lot of issues including their background, because most  people make the mistake of overlooking initial signs, thinking that their partner will change in marriage, trust me, what you see is what you get besides you can only change yourself to tolerate the other person’s  attitude but not the person. Therefore you must be certain about what you want, for at the end of the day I can only guide you as a counselor but the final decision is for you to make so you must be wise and honest to yourself.  Moreover, the level of mental maturity must be considered. Some people feel they are physical fit for marriage while in the real sense they are babies intellectually. While you are busy checking on your friends to know who to take for a wife, it will be nice to make yourself right as well because marriage is a huge responsibilities and only the psychologically matured ones can survive the challenges that comes with it. I don’t mean to scare you; marriage is a good thing, made to be enjoyed by two people who love themselves selflessly. Marriage like they say is not for girls or boys, toddlers and babies instead for those who are matured not just physically but mentally. Finally because marriage is an institute ordain by God and we are his children it will be proper for you to commit your intension to him before making your choice, ask him for direction and be open to receive it. Hopeful you will find these tips useful; take care of yourself and each other.

     

    • Harriet is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only on 08023058805.

  • How to avoid thinking about your ex

    Dear Harriet, I just got married, but recently my feeling towards my ex- girl friend suddenly came back when I saw her at a shopping mall. I am beginning to have affection for her more than my wife.

    I actually dated them at the same time before settling for my wife. I keep feeling that my relationship is a mistake. Please, what should I do? Kindly help me. Thanks.

    Name withheld. Lagos

     

    Thanks for sharing your experience with us and  giving us the permission to write about it.

    Your case is not an exceptional one, trust me some people are in your situation in their relationship or marriage at the moment but they find it hard or there is no outlet or somebody to speak to.

    Some have tuned their minds to flow with it, while some are standing firm, putting all the ex-girl friend feelings to rest. One thing for sure is that there is no perfect wife or perfect husband. Couples in some cases have this feeling that they would have been better married to may be their ex or someone else.

    We think the grass is greener on the other side. This will pose as a huge problem if not tackled properly. The feeling of someone better than your wife, if care is not taken can give room to other issues in the home. In no time your will start seeing and treating your wife badly simply because of the feelings you have for your ex without you knowing.

    As a result, you will always find faults in your wife no matter how much she tries to be a good wife to you.

    Your marriage is very young and I suppose before you propose to your wife, you thought it through properly, most of all, there was some kind of affection or connection between both of you.

    Let us agree that the early years of coming together to live as one is really not easy because everybody is trying to make a point, call it securing their space somehow. Couples struggle at this early stage, take for instance, all this while you are used to doing things in a certain way, but now that you are married the story is different, it is no longer your way, things have change.

    This stage does not last forever. Couples get better as the day goes by. The main quality that will keep couples going is if they have loved for one another, which is the main factor that holds a good marriage. Love overcomes every obstacle.

    Another factor is to have an open mind with your wife no assumption because without a free mind, you cannot have an effective communication which is an important ingredient that couples need for a successful marriage.

    Acceptance and contemptment must be mentioned at this point because when it’s lacking in a marriage can give room to the above issue.

    Satisfaction comes from within so to snap out of this feeling is to remind yourself about the reason why you married your wife. The ball is in your court to make your marriage work. Come to think of it, what guarantee you that your ex will be a better wife?

    Relationship or dating is a different game compared to marriage, beside she can only show you the part of her that she wants you to see, have you ever thought of it. The devil you know, they say, is better than the angel you don’t know.

    Think over it properly and see how you can make it work because   one thing we must note is that it takes two to build a happy home, especially in marriage.

    Furthermore, every couple has their strengths and weaknesses, encourage each other and work on your weaknesses as a team. Talk to her about everything, especially your likes and dislikes, don’t hold anything back and  ask her about hers as well.

    Discuss freely about all, even your sex life. Talk and learn from each other on how to bond as one.

    In addition, if you want to stop thinking about your ex, you need to take away her presence from your life, therefore all contacts with her must stop, no phone calls, no text messages, emails or social media messages.

    Interaction must be brief and formal if necessary. There is no perfect marriage you must know, for every successful marriage you see out there, means that someone worked at it. Someone showed love, faithfulness, honesty, humility, patience, tolerance, appreciation, and satisfaction.

    Life is about the choices we make, occupy your mind with thoughts that will aid you to achieve realistic goals in order to be a better person and husband. Take up sporting activities that you enjoy, filling your days up will leave little time to start feeling or thinking of your ex.

    Having joint activities with your wife can bring back the spark in your relationship, make out time to spend quality time as couples together, go out if need be and do those things you use to do.

    Enjoy each other’s company; most marriages are boring today because couples pay little or no attention to spending quality time doing what they enjoy doing before marriage.  Feeling is a mind set, and you alone can control it, cherish what you have.

    • Harriet is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only on 08023058805.

  • My master’s son (2)

    Edward, or Brother Edward as I called him, lived up to his words. Unlike a vast majority of graduates who roam the streets after leaving school, there was a job waiting for me when I finished, courtesy Edward. It was in the accounts section and I was to resume almost immediately after my service ended.

    My mother was so happy that she could not thank Edward or his parents enough.

    “Laura, do you know you are a very lucky girl?” my mother said a few days before I started work. “Not many in the country today have this kind of opportunity: a good job handed to you on a platter of gold! I want you to face your duties squarely, work hard and avoid things that will make your benefactors regret the support they have given you. Is that clear?” she stated, pulling at her right ear to emphasis her words.

    I reassured her that I would be a diligent worker and not be lazy or incompetent.

    “Don’t worry, Mummy. I won’t do anything you will be ashamed of,” I promised and I meant every word.

    I resumed and quickly settled down to the job. I did not see Edward for sometime after I started work; perhaps because my office was on the first floor of the high rise building while he was at the top where the top managers and directors had their offices.

    One day, about a week later, I was heading towards the staff canteen on the ground floor of the building when someone called me from the car park. It was Edward, who was about getting into his car.

    “Where are you off to, Laura?” he asked. When I told him I was going for lunch, he said:

    “I’m off to eat as well. There’s a place not too far off from here- their food is fantastic, much better than the canteen food. Hop in and I’ll give you a treat,” he offered.

    We had finished the main course and I was taking some dessert, a bowl of mixed fruit and nuts when two expensively dressed ladies sauntered up to our table. The shorter one leaned down and planting a kiss on Edward’s cheek, exclaimed:

    “Baby, so you were coming here for lunch and you could not call me to keep you company?” she said in a whining voice.

    “As you can see, Frances, I already have company,” he stated, nodding towards me across the table.

    “And who is she?” the lady named Frances asked querulously.

    Edward introduced me, adding: “She just joined us at the office.” Frances gave me an appraising look, her eyes cold and unfriendly looking. It was obvious she was not happy at my presence there. She chatted with Edward briefly, most of the time complaining about missing him and not seeing him enough.

    Finally, she and her friend left, with a reminder to him about their date ‘that weekend’. From her possessive manner towards him, I assumed she was his girlfriend, but he denied it when I asked him.

    “We are old friends. We were in school together,” he said, without elaborating further.

    After that day, Edward and I would eat out, at least twice a week. It became a routine of sorts especially when he was around. Sometimes, he would be out of town on official duty: on those days, I would make do with the canteen food which was not too bad. I missed him when he was away and looked forward to his return. It was clear, I was becoming fond of Edward and I could tell he liked me a lot.

    One day, I was at my desk working when Edward’s secretary came to summon me to his office. He had been away on a trip to South Africa and I had not seen him since his return.

    He handed me a shopping bag stating:

    “I had a few hours of free time so I did some shopping. Hope these fit.”

    Inside were some shoes, clothes, a couple of designer bags and other stuff.

    “They are so pretty! Thank you so much! How did you know my size?” I asked as I examined the items.

    “I used my eyes to do the measurement,” he said, smiling as I did a little catwalk in one of the shoes- a high heeled, red pair with a pretty bow.

    “Wear this, this weekend, on our date,” he said, as he came round his desk to gaze at my feet.

    “Date?” I intoned, clearly surprised as he had not mentioned it before.

    “Yes. I want to take you out. Or, do you have other plans for the weekend?” he queried. I shook my head.

    “I’m just surprised that you are asking me out. What about Frances?” I asked him. I had seen her around the office premises a couple of times and it was obvious she had come to see Edward.

    “And what about her? I’ve told you we are just friends. I’ll tell you more about her later, at the appropriate time.”

    ***

    On the evening of the date, as I was getting ready, both my mother and nosy younger sister, Angela kept asking where I was going to. I lied that I was attending the birthday party of a friend of mine. Instinctively, I knew my mother would not approve if she knew it was Edward I was going out with.

    It was on that date that Edward really opened up to me- that he liked me a lot and wanted me to be his girlfriend. Truth was I wanted to be with him too as I was falling for him. But I knew it would be unwise to get in too deep with Edward because of the disparities in our backgrounds. He was afterall the son of the wealthy family whom both my mother and I worked for. What will his parents say if they hear that their housekeeper’s daughter was dating their son?

    When I pointed this out to him, he overruled my objections, stating:

    “What matters is the way we feel about each other. Not whether my family is rich and yours is not. As for Frances, truth is, we dated briefly some years back. We broke up and I have moved on. But she has refused to let go. She actually wants me back. She has even enlisted the help of my mother and my sister in her stupid quest but it’s not going to work. Especially not with you here,” he said, taking my hand in his.

    His words sounded reasonable enough and helped to allay any misgivings I had about getting involved romantically with him. I decided to follow my heart. Maybe, if I had listened to my inner voice, I would have been saved a lot of heartache and pain in the future…

    To be continued

     

    Join is next Saturday to read more of the burgeoning romance between Laura and Edward!

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of the narrator, Laura and other individuals in the story.

     

    Send comments/suggestions to 08030822400 (sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • Effects of divorce on children (2)

    In continuation with our last week article, here are more effects of parental divorce or separation on children. These are: shame and embarrassment, anger, fear, relief, depression, insecurity/low self-esteem and so on.

    Shame and embarrassment: Some children feel embarrassed and ashamed to talk about their parents splitting up with any one not even their best friends. To save themselves of these feelings, they pretend it is not happening; some actually block it off their mind. Some are so ashamed that they feel everyone is looking at their family as a failure.

    Some are so embarrassed that they consider the divorce or separation as inappropriate conduct on the part of their parents.

    Another effect of parental divorce or separation is anger. Young ones respond to the action (divorce) with so much anger, they feel very upset because divorce disrupts their family environment, creating disorder where there was order.

    In some cases, the children might have to move to a place they are not use to, leaving with one of their parents, situation like this can really make a child feel angry. Children resent the fact that they are being separated from their parents ,so they feel very angry at the whole issue of divorce.

    This feeling of abandonment creates anger in them. Some children also may resent being different from their friends who still live with their mother and father. More so, in situation where parents transfer their bitterness for each other to their children can create a cauldron of anger, especially if they are teenagers. The change of family lifestyle physically and financially due to divorce or separation can prompt anger on children as well, because now they have to start learning how to do things differently. In regards to the question asked by our reader, who is going through the process of divorce /separation, kindly note that children react to divorce/separation  in different ways and  anger is certainly not  an exception.

    Children may release anger by identifying with others, or transfer their anger because of the divorce/separation process on others. However, bear in mind that children who suppress their anger may suffer heightened stress. They may also experience anxiety attack, nightmare at night, depression and mood swing. According to Dr Richard.A.Gardner, the primary purpose of anger is to remove a source of irritation and frustration.

    Depression: When children are going through sadness, if not handled properly, can actually lead to depression, which is one of the commonest effect of parental divorce or separation on children. This can be traced in loss of appetite from the child, apathy, helplessness, hopeless, irritability, obsessive self-criticism, withdrawal, loss of study interest, lack of concentration at school. No interest to interact or play with anyone.

    They start fantasying in a destructive way. This, if care is not taken, can lead to suicide thoughts. Anyway, a certain degree of depression is natural and understandable in situation like this, but long term depression is totally unhealthy and action must be taking immediately to put an end to it.

    Fear: Like anger, it is also an effect of parental divorce or separation, Bowlby (1969) claimed that the loss of anyone to whom an infant is attached produces an instinctive fear response. Such a loss in older children –such as a loss through divorce –will also frequently produce fear.

    Children entertain fear about a lot of things; where they will live, the school they will have to attend or where they will spend their holidays. They fear about being left alone with the notion that if one parent can go, perhaps the other will do the same.

    Children fear that divorce or separation will cause total neglect by one or both parents. For fear of losing everything, children may become so frustrated that they respond angrily and begin to lash out emotionally at their parents or others.

    Relief: To some children, the feeling of relief sets in, if the relationship between their parents has been a violent one most especially if they have witnessed abuse or suffered abused themselves. As a result, for many teenagers, the threat of a divorce or separation is welcome as the promise of relative peace and harmony.

    Furthermore, insecurity and low self-esteem is not left out. Parental divorce or separation puts children in a vulnerable position to the feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem. When children are with their parents, they feel confident and safe.

    To them, divorce or separation takes away their security, leaving them very insecure, and if not handled properly, it can lead to low self-esteem. Traces of this effect can be seen in their change of behaviour. Some children start acting like babies. For example, they may start  bedwetting, a habit they have dropped years ago. Some turn out to be very clingy, others keep having  nightmares.

    Once you notice any of the above, please address the issue in a nice way. As parent, fortunately you are in a better position to help your children during this period of divorce or separation, by minimizing the tension the situation creates, but if you can’t, then seek professional help.

    Be patient as everyone adjusts to the new situation. Responding openly and honestly to your children’s concern can actually assist them through this tough time. Note that the ability of you and your spouse in maintaining a civil relationship is the key that will help your children to go through the whole divorce process.

    Therefore, as soon as you are certain of your plans, talk to your children about your decision to live apart. Although there is no easy way to break the news, if possible, have your spouse to be there for the conversation. In the process of talking with the children, please leave the feelings of anger, guilt, or blame out of it.

    Discussion should be tailored to the ages of the children; their level of maturity should also be put into consideration and their temperament as well. Always make it clear to them that what happened between daddy and mummy does not have anything to do with them because most children feel they are to blame even after their parents have said so to them.

    So it is vital for parents to keep reassuring their children. Try to answer their questions as truthful as possible. Finally, remember children do not need to know every last detail. What they need is just enough information for them to understand clearly how their lives are going to change.

    Special thanks to those readers who send in questions and suggestions through email and text messages. We appreciate you.

     

    •Harriet is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only on 08023058805

  • Effects of divorce on kids (1)

    I am processing my divorce papers. My greatest fear is how my action is going to affect my children. I am blessed with three wonderful children that I cherish a great deal. Please, Harriet, I will like to know the effects of divorce on children. Thanks.

    Ms. Jenny

     

    THIS is a good question because it will help you know your expectations and how to handle them. When parents no longer love each other and decide to live apart, children have this feeling that their world has been torn apart. The level of upset they feel varies, depending on how their parents got divorced or separated, their ages, how much they know about the divorce, the support available from their parents, families and friends. However, countless scholars have conducted studies on the effects of divorce or separation on children, identifying a wide range of results and responses, both immediate and long-term. While some mental health professionals believe that a divorce is more traumatic at some ages than at others, according to Josh McDowell’s handbook on counseling.  There is no good time for children to endure the divorce or separation of their parents. Divorce or separation is always stressful for children because most children do not want their parents to be separated or divorced unless the marriage was full of domestic violence or other source of misery which they found unsuitable.

    Children experience a lot of feelings as a result some children may respond in multiple and varied ways to the news of their parents’ divorce or separation. Some of the reactions due to the fact that their parents are not going to be together again are as follows: denial, a sense of loss, shame and embarrassment, blame or guilt, anger, fear, relief, insecurity, low self-esteem, grief, depression and isolation or loneliness and so on.

    Denial: This is a common response to emotional or mental pain. Some children act in denial in situation like separation or divorce. To them, it is not happening. They insist to themselves that their parents won’t go through with it. Because they are in denial, in most cases they may say nothing at all to their friends. If asked, may say their father is simply away on business. This form of denial is often maintained for a long time, even after the divorce is final and new living situations have been formed as children. They entertain a stubborn hope that their parents will soon get back together.

    Another form of denial children manifest is personal refusal to admit that he or she is really upset in any way by the divorce or separation. Such response is often characterized by an attempt to shrug off the divorce or separation or by refusing to talk about it because “it is no big dea”, while there may be, in rare cases, a degree of relief at the breakup of their parents’ marriage. Such casual responses are an indication of the children inability or unwillingness to face what is happening to his or her family.

    Apart from these, denial can also take other forms like idealizing the absent parent or even bragging loudly and frequently about parents’ breakup in order to mask his or her own anxiety. As a concerned parent, you must realize that denial is usually unhealthy. It is regarded as a defence mechanism. Children who resort to denial do so unconsciously to protect themselves and guard a certain degree of stability in their lives.

    Sense of loss: Divorce or separation to children creates the feeling of losing not only their homes in some cases, but the whole way of life as well.

    This can lead to psychological and behavioural problems. Children who feel troubled either by sense of loss are particularly likely to develop problems with anger, disobedience and rule violations.

    Their academic performance is not left out.  Some children, on the other hand, become perhaps overly responsible who end up caring for their parents instead of getting cared for by their parents.

    Feeling of reproach and guilt: Children often attach huge significance to a single event in their immature attempt to determine the cause of their parents’ divorce or separation. The most memorable events in a child’s mind are those that pertain to the child, for example, the disagreement about who will attend the PTA meeting. Children remember such agreement between their parents as their fault not knowing other factors that have led their parents to take such a decision.  As a result, children often blame themselves for their parents’ divorce or separation.

    Teenagers may also think that their struggle for independence or their teenage rebellion contributed to the split. They may also feel responsible because of their dropping grades, flaring tempers, or failure to communicate their love to one or both of their parents. Some teenagers have even been told by parents or adults that their attitude or behaviour contributed to or caused their parents’ divorce or separation which is not true.

    Therefore, children who are experiencing blame or guilt sees it an urgent need to encourage their parent to reconcile.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Tips on marital relationship

     

    THANKS for your compliment. We give God all the glory. We really appreciate your text message. Marital relationship in our busy world is such a huge challenge.

    Unfortunately, there is not enough good news about marriages today. Separation, divorce, remarriage and marriage of low quality abound, while happy marriages are seldom. Though we all know many such happy marriages exist.

    Why is the institution of marriage under such pressure in our world today?  The rates of divorce and separation are growing by the day. Must it be so? Is there anything we can do to change the trend? The answer is, of course, yes. There is much we can all do to help couples who want to make their marriages successful by imbibing some useful martial relationship tips. Most couples take their relationship for granted as the years go by. Some stop doing the things they enjoy before marriage. They stop spending quality time together. They stop showing affection to each other. And some have little or no form of communication at all.  Love is totally out of the question for some. They fail to understand that love within marriage is a myriad reality.

    Love does not exist on its own; it depends on other virtues in order to be meaningful. To have a good relationship with your spouse is the ability to express love and love is based on respect, care, kindness, consideration, sharing everything, selfgiving and personal affection. Every one’s relationships are different. But sometimes, we face similar issues. Whatever you are going through in your relationship, it can be comforting to know that you are not alone.

    Effective communication: Most couples have drifted apart over the years for one reason or the other. Some blame it on pressure, could be personal, family, job, or financial. Lack of effective interaction between couples can affect their marriages. Communication is the building block of intimacy in marriage because through it couples can express their thoughts and feeling for each other. Remember, you are not a mind reader. The only way you can relate with each other is by talking. Therefore, for better communication, the sender must make sure that the message is clear, while the receiver must understand the message.

    Most times, couples hear each other talk, but they don’t listen, for a good marital relationship is to listen more. Seeing your spouse as somebody you can talk to about everything and he/ she will listen attentively without any distraction. Next is how to communicate. We communicate in different ways, verbal and nonverbal. Verbal communication is the use of words that is what you say, how you say it and when. To have an effective interaction with your spouse, you must get your timing right when you want to talk. It is very important.

    Spoken words are very powerful. They can make or destroy a marriage or relationship. The way you talk to your spouse stays more in their minds, whether harsh or kind words. Money in marriage should not be neglected. Couples should talk about their financial issues freely, although money is not everything in marriage. But when not tackled properly, it can make or affect a home. Many relationships have gone sour because of money issue, so couples should have financial discussion, plan and work together as a team following their budgets. There are no particular ways to dealing with money issue. Look for what will work for your family and follow it. Always talk to each other.

    Moreover, personality type must not be left out in discussing marital relationship. You must know your spouse very well. What kind of person is my wife or my husband is what should come to mind at all times. What are his/her likes and dislikes. Knowing these will help you know your boundaries which in return will help your marriage. Understanding is very important because that is the only way you can appreciate your spouse’s strength and shortcomings. Tolerance, patience and respect must be inclusive for a happy marriage. In addition, spending quality time together with your spouse must not be overlooked because it is the time you can relax, talking about personal romantic issues that are not centred on the children, bills or work. Talk about yourselves in a romantic atmosphere. Come on, you are married for crying out loud.

    Treat yourself. That takes me to the next point which is attitude to sex in marriage. Many marital beds have gone cold. Sex is more like a duty to most couples with little or no excitement. This has led to broken homes. Sex in marriage is a big deal. Like I will always say. Marriage is the only legal platform that you can do and undo. Not for the singles because I know I have young and single readers. Please, kindly excuse me. The manner towards sex in marriage for some couples is not acceptable. Some husbands pay little or no attention to romance. Their focus is on sex straight away. Some have this. It is my right attitude with no regards to the feelings of their spouse. Some forget to understand that they must put every little detail into consideration. They start the day, for example, by being nasty to their wives and at night they expect her to be up and doing in bed, wrong! With most women, the mood just has to be right. To get the best, you must start treating her well from the beginning. So at night, sex comes naturally.

    On the other hand, some women behaviour towards sex is not encouraging- some see sex as call of duty, having sex with their husband is performing their wifely role not to enjoy. Others always have excuses to give once it comes to sex.

    Most wives feel that it is not a woman’s place to initiate sex, so they suppress their feelings because they feel it is the man’s place to make the initial move. Sex should be discussed freely by couples, and this will enhance their relationship because sex creates a bond between a husband and a wife. It is to be enjoyed, so go ahead and spice up your love life.

    In conclusion, relationship is like a garden when you take time to attend and nurture it. You are blessed with beautiful flowers for the season. Therefore, when you tend your relationship, you will be blessed with joy, happiness and care.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Getting right partner for marriage

    DEAR Harriet, I am in a relationship with a guy I met on the internet. He stays in Dubai and wants to marry me.

    I have not met him personally. How do I know if he is the right person for me? Thanks.

    Name withheld, Lagos

     

    Thanks for your message. Meeting someone is one thing, but keeping a healthy relationship with the person is another. Yes, some people met their future partners on the internet and some have also experienced disappointment and heartbreak, even death.

    Who knows? Some people are lucky, others are not, but a few things remain the same when it comes to relationships that we must not be overlooked. Getting the right person to spend the rest of your life with is one of the most important decisions that every unmarried person needs to make.

    The predicament that singles face with the issue of marriage should not be neglected. The question that should come to mind is, why do you want to marry? Is it because you want to be like the Joneses? Because if you don’t understand the purpose of marriage, you may not be able to walk, according to God’s plan for marriage.

    Remember, marriage is an institution ordained by God and his desire is for couples to find peace and joy in their marriage.  In today’s world, many young people want to marry for any of the following reasons:

    1. Desire to be free from parents or guardians,
    2. To fulfil sexual desire,
    3. To ease loneliness,
    4. To be happy,
    5. To prove to others that they are adults,
    6. They feel suddenly pregnant,
    7. Out of pity or sympathy for a young person around them that is lonely or needs help,
    8. Love for children and desire to have children they can call their own,
    9. Family financial situation, poor family and having seen a rich prospective partner who wishes he/she will be able to solve their family financial problems,
    10. All their friends and those younger than them are getting married,
    11. They have always wanted societal weddings that will be the talk of town,
    12. Out of fear that no one wants to marry them because of some reasons buried in their heads,
    13. They think that time is running out and
    14. They are tired of being single.

    As good as some of the reasons above may be, they are not satisfactory enough reasons on their own for them  to get married. They need more compelling reasons to decide to marry as marriage in itself will not solve all their problems as some people think.

    The step you are about to take is not an easy one. It is a life time commitment, so you must try as much as possible to be honest on everything, giving it time to know each other. If possible, it will be nice to arrange a meeting, make sure you don’t visit alone and it must be in a public place.

    Avoid going any way private with him. For safety reasons, carry out proper checks and be able to ask and answer truthful questions.  People can appear very different online, so don’t allow anybody to pressurize you into marriage when you are not ready. Before you say yes to his proposal, make sure it is really what you want and that you love each other enough.

    More so, consider the character of the person you want to marry and do not proceed until you have inner peace on it.  How does he relate with you because you are so far apart? It is very important you evaluate your relationship with him, especially in the aspect of communication.

    How often do you talk with each other? Are you open to one another? Does he respect you and share your dreams and aspirations? Is he the controlling type? What are his religious views? Do you have a common ground on spiritual issues? What’s his growing up like? Because you meet him on the internet, you should learn to follow.

    Take it slowly, face reality and think the proposal through and don’t be in a hurry. To know if the person is right for you, he must be ready to accept you’re past and present. Some people want to change everything about you.

    Whoever wants to marry you must be ready to accept you and must be prepared to work patiently on you with you for changes to take place without forcing you. Furthermore, you must know that there is no perfect being; happiness comes when we are committed to making someone else happy. It is about giving and taking. It is not about a selfish desire to just receive and not give out love.

    As you go about with your check list on him, make sure that you are also right for Mr. Right because it takes two to tangle. Sex before marriage should not be a determining factor to tell, if a person is the right one. Signs should not be taking for granted.

    A lot of marriages are suffering today simply because some people ignore the signs of violence, truancy, insensitivity, bully, selfishness, at the  very early stage of dating, with the expectations that they will change the person once they get married, forgetting that you can only change yourself not your partner by learning to live with his strengths and shortcomings.

    There is no statement like he or she was not like this at the beginning. No, the signs were always there, but you chose not to see them.

    Finally the decision is yours to make. Think the proposal through properly and good luck.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Balancing marriage and job

    I have a serious problem. My daughter’s job is a very demanding one. It is a very good job, but my concern is that her job is taking most of her time that she has little or no time for her family. From time to time, she invites me to come and stay with her children. Don’t get me wrong. I love looking after my grandchildren. The issue is that her husband is complaining bitterly and I don’t want anything to happen to her marriage. Please, how can she balance her job with her marriage?

    Thanks and God bless.

    Mrs. Okoye, Lagos

     

    I MUST commend you for being such a concerned mum. Thank you for sharing your problem with us. This indeed is an excellent way to address the issue of balancing marriage and job which poses a huge challenge for most working couples. In today’s world where the couple have to work in order to cater for the family, it can be a tough one.

    At first, having such a job might seem just fine, but once the family starts growing, expectations increase and everyone in the family needs attention and time, so the job might now become an issue and if not tackled properly, may lead to other problems in the marriage. We have endless cases of how managing a family and career is a difficult task for most working spouses. Starting from allotting time to each other to spending time on household work, managing work, kids and their demands, life seems like a busy platform of never ending chores and responsibilities.

    There are times when you just don’t seem to give enough to work, or when you cannot be there for your loved ones. These are the seeds of frustration and they keep growing with time, so there is an imbalance in your personal and professional lives, sometimes which results in serious marital problems. We don’t mean to underestimate the dedication to building a strong career, but we also do not support the thought of sacrificing the whole purpose of living for it.

    Therefore, here are some useful tips that might help your daughter to manage her home along side with her job. Many times, you will find yourself biased on either of the aspects, or you may feel you are pushing too hard to make the most of both your marriage and career. An important fact to remember is that though both these factors may sound interlinked, especially considering the monetary importance, your job should not take control of your life.

    It is crucial for you to stream your time carefully between these two things. In order to have a better understanding, it will be nice for you to discuss with your spouse. Communication is the key to a successful relationship, especially in cases like this. Sitting down to discuss issues affecting your marriage and providing a collective solution will help. More so, you should talk to your employer, if your job demands travelling a lot.

    If you have a good boss, they will be open to this feedback and co- operatively works out something that is beneficial for both of you. If you have a bad boss, they will probably tell you to stick it and get back to work. Sometimes there really are bad jobs. In this case, it is easy to know where the problem is coming from.

    Learn not to mix work and family together. Work should strictly be limited to work hours. Avoid taking your work home if necessary. Try to dedicate time well for work and for family too. Don’t bring your work worries home. Likewise your family matters should not disturb you at work. Try to treat your job and your family separately.  Planning must not be neglected. Organize your work as much possible in the week days, so that your weekends are not affected.

    On your own, relax and de-stress once in a while. Do something you enjoy because only when can you make other people happy. Exercise is the best way to keep up with work and stress. Remember to give time to yourself. This will rejuvenate you physically and emotionally.

    Create quality time for your children. Take them out once a while. Do things they enjoy with them, spend special moment with them and be involved in their lives. Don’t think you have all the time in the world to do so. Remember in no time they will be leaving home for boarding school, then university, and you will be asking yourself where all the years have gone. Enjoy them now that they are still living with you because these are memories that you will not forget.

    Promote family moments. This should involve your spouse and the children. Family comes first with the support of all. Spend time on the table as a family, relaxing and discussing family issues. Relating freely with your spouse and the children. In addition, going out as a family is also another way of having that family moment.

    Furthermore, it is also necessary that you make out quality time to spend with your spouse without watching TV, reading, or any other activities that will take your attention away from your spouse. Spend time with your spouse alone, discussing and making each other happy. There should be lots of laugher. Talk about everything, if possible, how to spice up your love life.

    Love needs to be nurtured, so that it can grow. Enjoy each other’s company, doing what you both like. A romantic dinner or a weekend get-away can also help. These tips will strengthen your relationship, while also strengthening your balance of work and marriage.

    Finally, follow up and reassess as necessary. Follow up with your spouse and your boss after a couple of weeks and make sure that everything is all right with them. Tweak the plan as necessary and learn to be flexible to new ideas.

    Every plan changes over time. Yours will too. Hopefully these tips will help you balance your marriage with your job. Take care of yourself and your family.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Setting goals for our children

    Dear Harriet, Please, how do we help our children set goals?

    Mr. Ademola Lagos.

    THE long awaiting holiday will be over soon. The holiday has been full of excitement for some children. Sure it had its wonderful moments. As the day is getting closer, parents, on the other hand, are getting ready for their normal school run routine.

    With the excitement also came some worries, as parents think about how their children will cope in a new school for those going into secondary or changing school, new classes, new teachers, homework, projects and social experiences of school.

    Children need proper guidance from parents or guardians in order to follow the right path of life. Helpful tips are as follows:

    Sense of dependence. Parents should make their children understand that they must be dependent upon God, not on their strength. Teens with all the happenings, in most cases, feel they can handle situations on their own at this stage. Children and teens must understand early that there will be situations so overpowering that only God can give solutions. These problems might surface in form of finances, health, spouse, children, family, academics and even work, to name a few. Make them understand that if they want favour from God and man with a reputation for good judgment and common sense, then they must put their trust in God only not in themselves. The best way for children to learn this goal of dependence is actually when they see their parents or guardians put into practice what the  preach. As a matter of fact, we must be good role models.

    Responsibility for actions and consequences- The hallmark of good character is the acceptance of responsibility for one’s action. In life, you reap what you sow and best things for parents or guardians to model for their children is responsible behaviour . No excuses allowed ever!  No child is going to go through life without their share of problems, mistakes, sins and blunders. Therefore, the solution is not found in denial, rather in acceptance of responsibility for their action or behaviour, though at the time of the action, the lessons are hard and sometimes painful, however, insisting on it with help to mould a young man or woman’s character.

    Recognize and embrace their potential  As parents, it is very important to give children an awareness of their worth. Children and teenagers are full of potential and it is extremely vital that parents or guardians help them to realize that. An understanding of their potential and ability is only part of the job. They need to be thankfully and thoughtful and be willing to exert the necessary self-discipline to develop and grow their children their abilities and opportunities.

    Keeping assuring your children that they have potential that they can finish any task given once they set their mind on it. Tell them they have unique talent just waiting to be uncovered and explored. They need to hear this from you because of the trust they have in you. Potential is not to be wasted or squandered. It is to be nurtured and encouraged.  Tell them continuously that they can. Why?  Because they really can.

    Use their ability- Encourage your children to try many things, to explore numerous options, to learn how to put in their best always.

    Hope- Parents or guardians should always remind their children about the importance of hope, teaching them that winners do not quit. They carry on in spite of obstacles because they strongly believe in themselves and what the future has in store for them.

    Hopelessness is demoralizing, empty, and lonely. It is the worst disease one can be inflicted with. It can take the most gifted child and make him frustrated, frightened and unproductive. The best chance for a productive and prosperous future is to give your children an understanding of hope. Goal-oriented people are those who learn to live in hope because they are always moving toward an objective.

    Happiness  We all want our children to be happy. Happiness, however, is not to be confused with absence of problem and struggles. As a matter of fact, encourage your children to discover what they like to and can do, then do it. In this process of discovery ,they will walk their way through many difficulties in life. Note that even when they identify what they like, they will still have to tackle problems and sacrifices. Teach them how to turn problems into opportunities. Look back on your own life. You will realize that the greatest period of growth has come as a direct result of problems solved and new insight gained.

    Good character. It is important to teach our children about having good character. There is no higher praise someone can give your children than to say they have good character. This quality is essential to achieving personal success and fulfillment in life. They should understand that everything we do or say ultimately reveals our character. The greatest gift we can give our children is a model character. Character, as we know, inspire.

    Sense of fun. Having fun and maintaining a childlike enthusiasm is a worthy goal for which every parent or guardian should want for their children. Stress the importance of taking their responsibilities seriously, but never themselves. Teach them to laugh at themselves and to carry a smile everywhere they go. Fun is the fabric of happy memories (suggested goal) , the icing on the cake of life. It ends far sooner than any of us would like. Allow your children see you laughing and enjoying life. This, in return, will tickle the toes of their soul as well.

    Let these goals listed above be a part of your children’s every day thinking .Trust me, people who live on purpose develop by and though goal-directed behaviour has a greater chance of developing this type of mind-set. It is thinking at this level that will help children to reach their full potential.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj