The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Seven reasons he has not proposed

    TIMES without number, I keep hearing complaints from single ladies complaining about their boyfriends/lovers unwillingness to make the relationship permanent by proposing. So ladies, after showing a guy love and affection, committing your time, efforts, and/ or resources to the relationship, he is still unwilling to put a ring on it, why? Some of the reasons are found below, enjoy.

    1. He is not ready for marriage. Marriage is a big commitment that should only be entered when one is physically, emotionally, and financially ready for it. The financial situation in the present day Nigerian society has led to many putting off marriage as long as possible. However, the unwillingness to commit to marriage does not mean that people are willing to be celibate. Going into relationships with no intention of making any form of commitment has become a way of life. Therein lies the conundrum; ladies, the guy you are with might tell you he loves you so that you can continue to date him, and give your body to him even though he has no intention of marrying you. He might only want sex, not marriage so it’s up to you.
    2. You are not his type. Many men have an idea of the idea of the kind of women they would like to settle down with, but until they meet that woman, they are quite capable of making-do with ‘Miss available’, until ‘Miss Right’ appears, when she does, ‘Miss Available’ is shown the way out. So it might be in your own best interests as a lady to save yourself for the man who will marry you, not simply for a series of boyfriends to toy with.
    3. He is in love with someone else. You might want to ask why he would date you if he already has someone he loves. Well, many men like variety, others may be in long distance relationships, for some others, the object of their affections might not be making her body available, so bros has to find a way to sort himself out.

    4 .He dislikes your attitude. A relationship is an opportunity to study a person’s character at close quarters, not sample each other’s bodies. When a man decides to settle down, he is not likely to make an emotional decision and marry you only because he loves you. Most men will study the lady, if not do some background check of her character. This is where the character of a lady is of utmost importance. Some ladies simply lack manners, or as we put it here in Nigeria “Have no home training”, some have rubbished themselves by making themselves the village mattrass in the name of love, or looking for a husband, so when Mr Right comes along it becomes a problem. For some others, they have a reputation for being rude, or are dirty, lazy, or what have you. So you might want to check your attitude.

    1. Your belief systems are different. Even though a lot can be said for inter religious unions, the fact is that not many men are willing to marry outside their faiths, especially if the lady is unwilling to adopt the religion of her man. The reason is simply that many men want order in their homes, and having a wife of the same faith makes it easier to raise children who will toe the family line.
    2. You don’t have a means of livelihood. Many ladies want to marry men who are established in careers or businesses, yet have no visible means of livelihood of their own. Ladies, the syllabus has changed! Go to school, or learn a trade, and find a job. It will not only provide your needs, but also give you some self-respect. Many men no longer want women who will be liabilities, while some even require that their wives be able to contribute something. Having said that, being fully engaged in some sort of job will make it easier to say no to predators that are willing to pay for your favours without offering a future (marriage).
    3. You like money too much. I can’t count the number of times I have heard Nigerian guys complain about our ladies, saying that our ladies love money too much. This might be the reason some ladies are willing to date married men, or even become second, or third wives, rather than marry a struggling young man. Could there be any truth in that assertion? The truth is that no one wants to be loved for their possessions, we all crave to be loved for who we are, not what we have. The economic condition of Nigeria has made many of our ladies money minded, so much so that they put more emphasis on the size of a man’s bank account than the content of his character. Unfortunately, they will have more than enough time to regret their choices.

  • ‘I found out he was married a week before our wedding’(2)

    DESPITE my misgivings about Stan, I still agreed to marry him when he proposed. You might wonder what made me do it. If I was not sure of a man, why would I want to marry him? Frankly, I can’t really tell. I just found myself agreeing to the plans he was making concerning our future; where we will live, how many children we will have and other stuff. Perhaps I was tired of seeing my mates getting married while I remained single. I wanted to be attached to someone too, have a man of my own that I can call my husband.

    Anyway, when I told my family I had found a suitor, they were happy as well as relieved. I was the only girl in my family that was still single; even my younger sister had beat me to the altar a year before. Though her case was a kind of ’emergency marriage’ as she had been pregnant for the guy while she was still a student and my father had insisted he married her or face the consequences.

    Out of happiness that I was finally settling down, my parents offered to foot most of the wedding expenses. I expected my fiancé to object and insist it was his responsibility and all that. But to my surprise and annoyance, he gladly accepted their offer. The issue caused a big quarrel and I refused to speak with him for some days. I felt he was trying to take advantage of my parents by shirking his responsibilities.

    Afterall, he worked in a bank and was making good money so what was his problem, I told him angrily during the argument.

    “It’s your duty as the man. I can support with what I have but leave my parents out of it. They can assist us but I think it’s unfair to leave everything for them to do! What kind of man are you if you allow your prospective in-laws to be solely responsible for your wedding?” I said angrily.

    “But you shouldn’t blame me, Nelly! Afterall, it was your Dad that offered. I didn’t ask,” he pointed out.

    “Then you should have refused his offer!” I countered. Though retired from the civil service where he had worked for many years, my Dad did consultancy and other businesses to keep busy and supplement his pension. Though he was doing well, I did not want him to exert himself too much on my behalf just because I was getting married.

    The church member

    Later, Stan and I sorted out our differences and forged on with our plans. A few weeks before the day, my fiancé informed me he was having cash flow problems due to a business investment he had made. He then asked for a loan to help with some of the wedding expenses. At that time, I did not have much money of my own. What I had was some money my brother had sent towards his house project and a small business he was planning to set up.

    I decided to ‘borrow’ the money and give it to Stan with the understanding that it was a loan that had to be paid back as the money, about N2m was not mine but my brother’s. He agreed and collected the money, promising to give it back once his investment paid off.

    Then one day, about a week before our church wedding, I was in church when a woman, a church member approached me. Though I had been seeing her around, I was not close to her.

    The woman, Sister Agnes said she had some useful information for me pertaining to my fiancé and would like to talk with me. Wondering what it was all about, I followed her out of the hall.

    Outside, she showed me one of my wedding invitations, stating that somebody in the church had given it to her. It was Gina, a member of the youth programme to which I belonged. I had given some IVs to her to distribute to her family and friends.

    Sister Agnes told me it was the name of my fiancé on the card that had attracted her attention. She asked if he worked in a certain bank, even mentioning the branch he was based. I nodded my head.

    She was silent for a while before speaking and what she said shook me deeply.

    She advised me to call off the wedding at once because my fiancé was a married man.

    “What?” I nearly screamed on hearing her words.

    “It’s the truth. We work in the same office so I know him very well. He’s not only married, he has children. I think he has four kids. They all live with the wife in his hometown,” she stated. I felt as if I was dreaming or was in a trance. How could this be? That the man I was about to walk down the aisle with a few days is already married, with children? Impossible!

    I could not believe it. And from my countenance, the lady could tell what I was thinking.

    “This can’t be true. Sister, are you really sure about this?” I queried.

    “Of course I am. I even know his wife. She has come to the office a couple of times to see him. Wait let me show you something,” she said. She brought out her mobile phone and showed me some pictures. It was a send forth party for a member of staff that had left the bank. There among the other staff was my fiancé, smiling happily at the camera.

    “It’s him,” I stated, staring blindly at the photos.

    Suddenly, my legs felt so weak that I had to sit down or I would have fallen. The woman later told me things about my fiancé that left me dazed. She said he was fond of dating ladies, especially customers of the bank whom he perceived as having money. He would promise all kinds of things including marriage just to get close to them and their money.

    “There was a case he was involved in a few years ago that almost cost him his job. The lady in question whom he had nearly conned with a fake marriage was from an influential family. They had threatened to take the case to the police but pressure was put on them by a top official of the bank whom Stan is close to and the matter was resolved quietly. I thought he had repented but he is still at his old tricks,” she noted.

    To confirm her words, she called Stan and put the phone on speaker. When he answered, they spoke briefly about office matters the she asked after his family.

    “They are all fine. I’m even with them right now at home. My second boy has been ill and is on admission at the hospital. I had to come down and see how he is doing. I will be back in town tomorrow though. So, see you in the office then,” I heard him say on the phone.

    “My God,” I intoned, suddenly feeling cold and hot at the same time as if I was coming down with a serious case of malaria. It had been confirmed in his own words. What further proof did I need.

    That day, I can’t remember how I got home. I was in a state of shock from the revelations about my fiancé. Later, I told my parents what I had heard and they were equally shocked. They felt deceived and my father, in great anger vowed to deal with him ‘for trying to mess with my daughter’ as he put it.

    He called a top police officer he knew who went and arrested Stan the following day at his office. I took some satisfaction in knowing the shame and embarrassment he must have felt at being taken away from his place of work in a police van.

    The wedding was called off and my family filed a case of fraud and theft against him.

    He could not refund the money he collected from me on the pretence of planning a fake wedding. So, the case was charged to court. As I write, Stan is cooling his heels behind bars, serving a five year jail term. He was sacked by the bank not just because of my case but another case involving some stolen funds.

    To me, it serves him right for what he is going through. He tried to fool me, deceiving me that he wanted to marry me when all he was interested in was my money. Nemesis has caught up with him and I hope he rots in jail!

    I hope other ladies will learn from my case and be careful because a lot of guys these days are on the prowl, looking for ladies people to devour.

    Concluded

     

    Send comments/suggestions to 08030822400(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

     

    We have changed the names of Nelly and other individuals in the story to protect their identities.

  • Dealing with break up

    DEAR Harriet, during my year in the Polytechnic, I had a girl friend in school then. Though the relationship became stronger when we came for our HND program. I love this girl so dearly that I never dated any other girl except her. We became fond of ourselves that everybody in my class like the way we do our things which made them to call her my wife. Despite the fact that I was a student then, I provided virtually everything that she needed that is within my power except paying her school fees. In fact, I made this girl. I had the intention of marry her if things go well but I never propose to her reason simply because we are still students and I didn’t  want to marry out of desperation, to keep her off from other men. We discussed about getting marriage to each other and concluded that if it is the will of God it will come to reality.

    One thing that surprised me was that immediately we rounded up our school program, her attitude towards me began to change to worse; I will call her on phone she will not pick and will never call back except I called back again. The one that got me mad was that immediately she saw my  NYSC posting where I was posted to the North while she was posted to the Western state She openly told me that I am not the type of guy that she needs now to my greatest surprise. I feel disappointed. Thank God that I didn’t die of high Blood pressure during that period because the shock of the news was so devastating. I was not able to understand why she should be telling me this now after so many years of being together. I called to know her reasons which she said nothing at all just that she need to taste a new life aside me.  My friends tried to settle the issue but to no avail. I was not comfortable with it but I had to summon courage and move on. I even called her during my NYSC year begging her to come back which she turned down. Instead she told me that we can be just casual friends. This was a girl I once took to my house and introduce her to my parents, elder sisters, uncle and even my in-law in one event that I invited her for in my village.

    To cut the story short, immediately after my NYSC I got a nice pay job. I compelled myself to call her again what she is now telling me was that her parents disapprove her marrying any man from my state though we are from the same region. an opinion she said she did not accept. Please do I need to start worrying myself over this girl again or to move on with my life?

    Kingsley C., Abuja.

     

    Thanks for telling your story, it takes a lot of courage share your situation and we really commend you for it. Your situation is not an exceptional case because at one time or another every one of us has been deeply hurt by another person. Some of us hold tight to the anger and pain, others choose to let it go. A break up hurts… like hell. There is no better way of putting it. It’s intensely painful. And dealing with a breakup involves getting through some of that pain to still be able to get things done in your life.

    Since your case is a recent break up, you’re probably still in shock and having a hard time accepting it emotionally. That explains why you keep making all the effort for her to come back, In fact your emotions are probably running the show. Regardless if you’ve been dating for short while or not, you are going to be overwhelmed with incomprehensible sadness. Maybe even a combination of disbelief, anger and obsessiveness topped with an overall lack of control over your emotions. Note, You’re not just mourning the loss of someone very close to you, dreams of growing old together are shredded so for healing to take place you must go through all these emotions and do not suppress it. Dealing with heartbreak in a situation like yours with all the investment with high expectation, must be treated properly so that it does not affect your next relationship. The initial stage  for example, a few weeks might be the worst. They are as close to unbearable as it gets. But… break ups don’t kill you. And like the saying goes” What doesn’t kill you,makes you stronger”. In fact, through the process of loving and losing you have the capacity to learn valuable lessons about yourself, your life and your relationships.

    How ever, Most interesting people have experienced a wide spectrum of emotions ranging from extreme pleasure to excruciating pain. They, and millions of men before you, have found ways to get over a break up and survive, and so will you. Besides it might just be God’s doing, remember you mention that you both have committed your marriage intension into God’s hands so may be she is just not your wife. God know’s best, go to him in prayer and with time he alone will give you clarification.  Break up hurts like I said earlier don’t get me wrong but would you rather be in a relationship with someone that is not fully committed? Sometimes breakup are for the best, it is just one of those things you have to push through. As tough as it may be you can not force her to stay,  she has made up her mind to break up with you, reasons best known to her, the truth is that you should  let her go and move on with your life because no matter what you do or say she might not come back to you. The signs were there the moment she started avoiding your calls, and giving you excuses, tells you that something is wrong. Time heals all wound, so with time you will get over her, you have a fantastic life ahead of you. As a result here are some tips to help you get over your heart break. Initial step is  accepting your present situation; people have different reasons for going into relationship so your aim of making her your wife, might be different from her own reason and from your statement you have made all the necessary effort to make her change her mind but it is clear that she has made her stand clear to move on, accept her decision and let go. Next step is the aspect of communication; for you to recover it will be a good idea if you avoid any form of contact with your Ex girl friend for now until you are completely over her, because while getting over a break up, you might have a strong urge to contact your ex. More often than not, however, it will be detrimental to your emotional wellbeing to do so. Too often I see guys break down after seeing an ex’s latest face book update or by getting dead aired after a “I miss you” text. Don’t make their mistake!

    “No contact” are words to live by  and one of the best ways to get over a break up. The reason is simple because any contact with your ex will trigger the most painful and overwhelming feelings you have been having and will set you back in your recovery.

    Staying friends is a fallacy. In fact, the more space you have while getting over a break up, the greater your ability to heal and move on.Fully disengaging is one of the most effective ways to get over your break up. This will allow you to disentangle your emotions from your rationale. That, in turn, provides you with the mental clarity to reflect accurately on your breakup.

    Accept your feelings and do not judge them. Learn to stop blaming yourself for her decision to end the relationship, accept your emotions it only natural, as for all the kindness, love and care you showered her, see it as an act of charity, do not regret it at all. In addition avoid jumping into relationship at the moment because you need time to heal so that you can have a clear mind and appreciate the person instead of using the person to fill in the gap. This is the moment for you to focus on your vision and achieve your goals, be the best that you can be in every aspect, take up activity that you enjoy, get busy. Look at her action as a wake up call for something good. Finally writing can also help you to heal; Although, most  men too often foster a culture of “walking it off” and “manning up” and as a result very few of them have emotional aptitude. Living peacefully with your emotions, however, does not come through suppression, but through understanding. You must become aware of what you feel and why you feel it, before you can let that feeling go. Start Writing today, when you feel sad. But also when you feel good. Write to your future self. Give yourself tips and breakup advice to help you through the hard times. Trust me,I know you’re feeling down right now, it may be difficult to accept all these tips but in all likelihood you cannot change her mind because she has already decided to end her relationship with you. You cannot control other people’s feelings and actions, you can only control yours. You deserve a partner who is equally as excited to be with you as you are with her not someone who will constantly need convincing to stay with you.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj.

  • ‘I found out he was married a week before our wedding’

    THE banking hall was packed full with customers as I stepped into the hall that Friday morning. I was there in respect of a problem with an account of mine. A staff directed me to an office on the second floor of the building.

    “What can I do for you, Madam?” an official in the customer care unit asked, taking his eyes off the computer on his desk to gaze at me. I told him about the issue with my account and how it needed to be rectified. I was expecting some money from my elder brother who lived in Europe towards his house project that I was helping him with.

    The man, whose name was Stan, was very helpful to me that day. He sorted out the problem with the account in such an efficient manner that I was impressed. He was friendly as well. Perhaps it was that made me give him my mobile number when he requested for it, something I did not normally do for total strangers. I never expected him to call anyway, so I was surprised when later that day, I got a call from him.

    We chatted for sometime, with him telling me he liked me from the moment he set eyes on me at the bank.

    “Because of my job, I interact with a lot of people daily. But there was just something about you the moment I saw you,” he stated. He added he would like to know me better and could he take me out sometime? He seemed a nice person so I agreed. The following day, he came to my house in the evening after closing from work. That day, I found out more about him. He said he was single and at 35 was ready to settle down with a nice lady and start a family.

    “My mother is on ‘my neck’ to find a bride,” he stated. He added that the woman had told him not to visit her again ‘until you have picked a woman to marry’ as she put it. Stan’s father had died when he was a child and he and his two siblings had been raised solely by her.

    I wondered why finding a wife should be a problem for him considering his qualities- he had a good job, was handsome with a good personality.

    He seemed to read my mind for he said: “There are lots of ladies out there but few are wife material.”

    “Well, there are still plenty of good ones around; it’s a matter of meeting the right person you believe you can share your life with,” I told him.

    “You might have a point there, Nelly. And I think I have found the one for me, the lady I want to marry,” he stated, looking at me keenly.

    It was obvious he was talking about me but I pretended not to notice and changed the subject. Truth was, though I liked him and found him interesting, I felt things were moving too fast. We had only known each other for a couple of days and he was already talking about marriage. I was anxious to settle down too as my family had been bugging me about my single state since I turned 27 nearly three years earlier. But that did not mean I had to accept a proposal from someone I barely knew.

    Anyway, after that day, Stan and I began to see regularly. Most days after work, he would come to my place and stay till very late. He also attended church services as he claimed to be

    a born again; in fact he worshipped at one of the faith believing churches in town that had very strict rules especially on women’s dress styles and frowned on wearing of jewellery, make up,  trousers and revealing outfits.

    Maybe it was his seriousness about his church activities, for with time I began to warm up to him. Just a month after our meeting, he said we should go to his hometown to visit his mother, that he had made up his mind about me.

    “Nelly dear, you are going to be my wife and there’s nothing you will say that will make me change my mind,” he announced one evening as I was seeing him off after his visit. I agreed to the trip as I was anxious to meet his people and know the kind of family he came from.

    A day before we were to meet his Mother, Stan called, stating a problem had come up at the bank and he would not be able to make the trip anymore.

    “We have to postpone visiting my mother to another day as I can’t get away now,” he said. He promised we would go some other time when he was less busy.

    Stan was the one doing most of the visiting and I did not know his place nearly three months after we met. Anytime I raised the issue of visiting him at home, he would be evasive, stating he was squatting with a friend who did not like him bringing visitors to the house.

    “He quarrels with me anytime I bring guests home especially female ones,” he said.

    “Then why don’t you get your own place? You need your privacy,” I stated.

    “I have been planning to do so. I will take it more serious especially now that I have found you,” he promised.

    “You need to do that. Afterall, we need a place to live after our wedding,” I pointed out.

    That was not the only issue. Something else bugged me about my fiancé. For instance, his pious attitude was in sharp contrast to certain demands he made on me and some things he said.

    Right from the beginning of the relationship, I had told him we had to abstain from sex till after our marriage. But he was not keen on waiting; he kept pestering me for sex, stating that the only way I could prove my love for him was to agree to his demands.

    Despite his pestering, I stood my ground and refused to give in to him. I argued that if he was really born again as he claimed, he should not go against the bible which frowned on premarital sex.

    Maybe, it was a sixth sense or something, but I just had this feeling that Stan was not what he claimed to be. As time went on, my intuition about him turned out to be right…

    To be continued

     

    Send comments/suggestions to 08030822400(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

    We have changed the names of Nelly and other individuals in the story to protect their identities

  • ‘A herbalist impregnated my wife… now my life is ruined!’ (2)

    THE day she returned from the village was the day that our lives changed. We had long hours of discussion in order to catch up with all that took place within the period we were apart. That night I hoped that our love making would bring forth a child which we have so longed for, however I did not really believe that the herbalist’s incantation and concoction would get my wife pregnant because only God gives children and not man. It was when I was about to get intimate with my wife that I notice that something had gone wrong. I withdrew from her immediately and asked her:

    “What type of treatment did you receive from the herbalist?” I asked while rolled off her. I was attached to my wife both body and soul. Some people even suspect that I used charm or something of the likes on my wife.

    “How do you mean?” she asked and tried to pull me back.

    “I just want to know,” I said.

    “Is that why you are moving away from me?” she queried.

    “Naomi, you are not the way I left you,” I said, trying to be as calm as possible because I was already angry.

    “Rufus what has gone wrong with you?” she asked.

    “Don’t try to play dumb with me because you know what I am talking about,” I informed her.

    “I don’t understand,” she said with tears running down her face.

    “Someone has touched you and you know how much I detest lies,” I stated firmly.

    “We have been married for thirteen years and I have never cheated on you for once, not even when people advised me to sleep with another man to see if he could get me pregnant or leave you because you were not a man. How can I then go to the village and have an affair?” she asked.

    “That’s a question which only you can answer and please start telling the truth before I do something we will both regret for the rest of our lives,” I threatened.

    “Do your worst because I have told you that no one touched me,” she retorted.

    That night I didn’t touch her and didn’t sleep in the room with her because I was sure that someone had eaten out of my ‘cake’ and it broke my heart that my wife could still fake being faithful to me. After that day, I stopped eating her food or sleeping with her. I went to work early before she woke up and returned home when she had gone to bed.

    Some weeks later, I noticed that my wife’s body was changing, her complexion looked brighter, her breasts looked bigger and she was slow in movement. She tried for weeks for us to have a conversation but I avoided it because I was still mad at her.

    One evening, she came to my new resting place, the living room, and asked if we could have a talk. I refused to listen to her even though she stated her mind even with my rejection.

    “I am pregnant,” she said.

    The words hit me so hard that I felt like doing something to her, but I was able to control myself.

    “What did you just say?” I asked her because I thought I didn’t hear her clearly, but I heard her.

    She repeated her statement.

    “Is this a way of trying to make me talk to you or you have decided to let nonsense come out of your mouth?”

    “I am four months gone,” she said. The demons in me were struggling to act, to do something nasty to her, to shut her mouth but I was able to hold back.

    “What are you saying? Because I can neither make a tail nor a head from your statement. Please make me understand” I urged her.

    “I am pregnant,” she repeated.

    “For who?” The question blurted out of my mouth.

    “Were, when and how did it happen?”

    She was already shaking and couldn’t communicate clearly.

    “I know you are not the owner and that is what I want to explain to you,” she said.

    “Were you this desperate, my dear wife? I don’t need any explanation from you because you are a disgrace to me. No wonder you wanted me to sleep with you so that you can claim that I am responsible for the pregnancy…you’re a wicked woman, Naomi, God has exposed you and your wickedness,” I lamented, but my wife stood still and watched me and cried.

    “Rufus I am sorry for what I did…I was ashamed. I couldn’t just look you in the eyes and tell you that another man slept with me. I am ashamed of myself,” she said.

    “What do you want me to do, father another man’s child? God forbid!” I shouted at her and spat on the floor.  My heart was beating very fast and I felt like punching her so hard in the belly so that the bastard in her can look for another place to develop.

    “Who is responsible for it?” I managed to ask her.  Naomi was too embarrassed to answer and she started crying again.

    Again I asked, “Who is responsible for the pregnancy?”

    “The herbalist,” she revealed.

    “What?” I shouted.

    “Her…ba…list,” she repeated the word slowly and shakily this time. I was dumbfounded, short of words and filled with rage. Wondering what could have made my wife sleep with the herbalist up to the level of him getting her pregnant. Which means it wasn’t once or twice that he slept with her: “Was his sleeping with you part of the treatment or did you do this to bring shame to my name? I won’t let you disgrace me like this, you will go back to your family and give birth to the child because God knows I can’t father that thing… another man’s child. I want a child but not this way,” I informed her. She was just weeping and said nothing.

    “I knew those evil men are not to be trusted.”

    I was so disappointed in my wife that I left the house that night at about 1 am with no destination in mind. I had to leave as I was afraid I could do something drastic to her. I was wondering if I should leave her because I felt humiliated by what she did to me. As I was in my car driving round the town, I wondered what to do, whether to run away from there and start a new life- but I loved her so much, so much that I wouldn’t want to leave her; yet I didn’t want to be with her because another man’s child was inside her.

    I went back home after driving around for what seemed like three hours, my heart beat was so fast that I thought I would have a heart attack that night. I went straight to the room I was occupying and got myself drunk with brandy, thinking that it will take the hurt away, but the heartache refused to go.

    I couldn’t go to work for days, I couldn’t eat nor sleep. It was like the world was on shoulders. Naomi tried to make me eat but I refused her and her food, which I felt would kill me if I put it in my mouth.

    “Don’t disturb me, go and feed your lover the herbalist. I don’t need your food since you have decided to disgrace me this way,” I said. She pleaded but I paid no attention to her.

    I was in this sorry state of mind for three weeks and it landed me in the hospital. It was there in my hospital bed that I made up my mind that my wife would either leave or get rid of the pregnancy. When I got home that day after I was discharged, I told my wife about my final decision. I couldn’t just stay back and watch things continue to be upside-down in our lives.

    “I have told you from the onset that I will not father another man’s child just because I want to be a father, so what do you intend to do with this pregnancy?” I asked hoping that she had thought of what to do with it while I was at the hospital.

    “I don’t know what to do,” she said after much hesitation. “I don’t know what came over me…I am confused and I wish I could wake from this nightmare,” she stated.

    “How do you mean by that, did you not think of the consequences when you opened your legs for that old man? Well, I can’t father another man’s child. The options now are for us to end this marriage or you get rid of that thing,” I told her.

    “What! Leave or get rid of what?”

    “You heard me right woman,” I told her.

    “I can’t believe what you just said. I have made a mistake and every problem has it solution,” she pointed out.

    “I know and I have given you two solutions to make a choice out of it,” I responded.

    My wife later accepted the other option and we made arrangement to see a doctor. It was this very option that made my life what it is today. My Naomi started bleeding few days after visiting the doctor and she died as a result of this.

    I have not been able to tell anyone what really caused the death of my life…I lied that my wife had a miscarriage and died after bleeding for days while guilt have been my companion ever since this happened.

    I regret telling her to get rid of the Babalawo’s baby. If she had kept the pregnancy, my darling wife would be alive today not six feet below. Now, my life is empty, full of regret and pains. Loneliness is my daily companion and there are times I feel like taking my life. For what is the point of going on living without my sweet Naomi?

    – By Udemma Chukwuma

    Concluded

    What do you advise Rufus to do?

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of the narrator and other individuals in the story.

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 08030822400, (sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com.

  • Why some people get angry easily (2)

    HERE are a few of the most common types of anger and see if you recognize any of them as yours because to treat the issue of temper, you must know the category you belong.

    Behavioural anger: This type of anger usually describes someone who is aggressive towards whatever triggered their anger- this can be another person. This can be someone who always seems to act out, or is troublesome. Sometimes the outcome is physical abuse or attacks against others.

    Passive anger: People who use sarcasm or mockery as a way to hide their feelings typically express this form of anger. They tend to avoid confrontations with people or situations.

    Verbal anger: Anger that’s expressed mostly through words and not actions. Verbal abuse is used to criticize and insult people (put them down) and complain.

    Constructive anger: This type of anger is a key factor in driving people to want to join movements and groups. It’s the feeling of being fed up with how things are going and the need to make a positive change.

    Self-inflicted anger: Anger that translates in causing harm to one’s own body. People who use this type of anger are acting out by punishing themselves for something they’ve done wrong. Some examples include starvation, cutting and overeating/comfort eating.

    Volatile or erratic anger: This form of anger occurs in varying degrees-it comes and goes. It can just appear out of nowhere, or build into something bigger. It can either explode or go unnoticed. It could even be expressed verbally or physically.

    Chronic anger: Ever come across someone that’s seemingly angry for no reason, or mad all the time? More than likely, they were exhibiting this type of anger. People with chronic anger are just mad in general.

    Judgmental anger: Putting other people down and making them feel bad about themselves or abilities is a form of judgmental anger. This person expresses their feelings by making those around them feel worthless.

    Overwhelmed anger: This person relieves stress by shouting and flying off the handle when they can’t take situations and things that are happening around them anymore when things are just too overwhelming which is why it’s called “overwhelmed anger”.

    Retaliatory anger: This is probably one of the most common of the bunch. Retaliatory anger usually occurs as a direct response to someone else lashing out at you.  Has that happened to you once or twice?

    Paranoid anger:  This anger comes about when someone feels jealousy towards others because they feel other people have or want to take what’s rightfully theirs. Or they may act out because they feel intimidated by others.

    Deliberate anger:  A person expressing this form of anger may not start out angry, but will get angry when something does not turn out the way they wanted or someone doesn’t see eye to eye with something they planned.

    These are the most common types of anger. Although there are more types of anger, no anger should go uncontrolled for too long. There are  four anger types that can become harmful. Here’s a list of the four kinds of anger that can be, in my opinion, the most dangerous to your health and those around you.

    Self-inflicted anger: Self-inflicted anger is what it sounds like. It is a form of anger that is expressed when someone is punishing themselves for something they may have done wrong. Over-eating, starving themselves and inflicting wounds by cutting themselves are examples of this kind of anger.

    It goes without saying, how dangerous this can be if it goes on for too long.

    Behavioural anger:

    Behavioural anger is the type of anger consisting of aggressive and cruel actions.

    It leans mostly on the physical side. It usually starts as an attack towards someone or something that caused the anger in the first place.

    Those who normally get labelled as troublemakers, start fights and are defiant fall under this umbrella and sometimes, rightfully so. In the end, someone almost always gets hurt.

    There’s no harm in expressing anger. It’s  human when it can be controlled.

    Judgmental anger: Judgmental anger is closely related to verbal anger which is another type of anger. This type of anger makes everyone involved feel uneasy or causes self-esteem issues for the victims. A person exhibiting this form of anger puts other people down and makes other people feel worthless as a person.

    There are many adults walking around who still have self-worth issues as a result of a parent using judgmental anger towards them when they were growing up.

    Volatile or erratic anger: Unpredictable is the word that comes to mind when I think of volatile anger.

    In so many words, this type of anger comes and goes. One minute someone can be calm and collected, and the next minute, be in  full n rage. It can grow into something bigger or go unnoticed.

    I like to think that people who exhibit this anger tend to hold a large amount of things in.. Rather than expressing what may be bothering them in healthy ways, if a person suppresses something long enough, eventually it will be expressed in ugly ways.

    Sometimes, it can be expressed verbally and physically at other times. Volatile anger reminds me of a volcano before it erupts. You don’t know when or what is going to set it off, or how big the eruption will be, but when it blows, watch out.

    These are the four types of anger that can cause the most harm to anyone expressing them on a regular basis. If you see yourself in one or more of these kinds of anger, all I can do is to suggest that you seek help immediately. It goes without saying that anger is one of those emotions that can be destructive and lead to various problems, if it goes unnoticed. Although it can be tough sometimes with the various types of anger around, recognizing when anger first occurs is a key factor in determining what to do when it rears its ugly head.

    However, avoiding everything, place, person, conversation that can get you angry is major remedy for anger. Self- control is also a solution; being able to control your emotion through different ways can help. Could be the count to ten method, absolute silence and writing down your feelings or doing what you enjoy, for example, exercising. If you feel you cannot handle the situation on your own, it is advised you seek the help of a trained counsellor.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Five reasons why online dating might not be a good idea

    ONLY yesterday, I got a funny call from a guy I have never met. He said that he got my number online and would like us to date. Unfortunately (for him) I am married (and happily too), putting an end to that request. That got me thinking about a topic that keeps popping in and out of my head and sometimes comes up in conversations. Is really a good idea to go online, primarily for dating purposes? With all the people we meet at school, at work, church/mosque, in the bus  and so on, is it really that hard to meet new people? I wonder, if a person can’t meet new people any other way, I hope he/she has nothing to hide. You can call me old-school if you like, but the idea of someone I have never set my eyes on calling me out of the blues to ask for a date gives me the creeps. Why? Please continue reading.

    1. Online interaction, or friendship blinds one to a fact we grew up hearing our mothers drill into our young minds, “A stranger is someone who is capable of harming you.” We equate acquaintance or any form of interaction with friendship, and it’s a big mistake. Most of our friends are people we grew up with, went to school with, colleagues, former colleagues and so on. This traditional method means that you know people who know your friend, and have an idea of the kind of person you are dealing with. But with online friends, you are dealing with a totally unknown entity.
    2. In today’s fast paced, high tech world, meeting strange people online can be very risky. Think back to Cynthia, the Nigerian babe who was kidnapped, and later murdered by a guy she met online, and flew in to Lagos to meet. The poor girl had no idea that she was dealing with a fraudster, and murderer. The internet has become a free and easy highway for psychopaths and criminals to operate virtually untraceably, especially in a porous environment like ours.
    3. Online dating is unnatural because a major part of human communication is not only verbal communication(speech), but also includes things like tone of voice, body language and the like. Women are created with a natural sense of intuition that often protects us(and our loved ones) from danger, but dealing with someone without face-to-face , and other physical forms of interaction makes it harder to be intuitive. Online communication lacks this feature and makes it difficult, if not impossible to make value judgments for ourselves about the person you are dealing with.
    4. It is hard to verify, ie do a background check on the person you are chatting with. In foreign climes, people are often warned, and given guidelines about dealing with strangers they meet online. Sometimes, as human beings our emotions blind us from seeing the truth before our very eyes, but with the evidence of other people, eyes are opened to the truth. For instance, in a regular relationship, a lady’s visit to a guy’s office, or home can lead to chance meeting with his friend who can inadvertently drop the truth that the guy is married yet conveniently forgot to tell his girlfriend, online relations don’t accord nearly as much opportunity.
    5. Many people have been found to give false information about themselves, some use photos of other people, and sometimes build false profile info. It is hard to continually lie to a person you see over a period of time without making a mistake, telling a mismatched lie and so on, even the body language of a liar can trigger suspicion in the person being lied to. With online communication, it is much harder to tell, sometimes, almost until it is too late.

     

    Having said all the foregoing, I must agree that quite a number of relationships have been spawned by the internet, and led to marriage, but then again, it is still important to take care.

  • Re: ‘My cousin is married to a fraudster, but who will tell her?’

    (Text messages and e-mails have been edited for brevity, clarity and grammar)

     

    – Ella should not have married him in the first place- the courtship was too short, barely six months. That’s too short to know someone fully. Anyway, the deed has been done. My advice is to tell her about your findings. But do it in a sensitive manner because of her condition. Take her to her mother’s place or an older person in the family and tell her the truth about her husband. It’s better she finds out now than later. Who knows whether he has plans to steal her money and run away like he did with the other woman. So, tell her as soon as possible. Thanks and keep up the good work you are doing with your entertaining and thought provoking stories. Mike from Abuja via email.

     

    -On your story about a lady married to a fraudster, it will be in her best interest to let her know because when the hands of justice catches up with him, Ella and the rest of the family will be labelled as criminals. Besides, she might be the next victim. From Baruwa, (Mrs) (08115151***)

     

    -If you really love Ella, tell her now before the devil destroys her completely. She would surely get over the shock with time. A leopard can’t change it’s spots. Yinka- (08035049***)

     

    -The story is very interesting. We need the concluding part. Kudos to the writer. (07035357***)

     

    – Whatever happened between Jack and his first wife should be left to them to settle if and whenever they meet. Besides, we don’t know what actually transpired since we’ve not heard Jack’s side of the story and Eric should not have told his wife; even at that it should be kept as a secret. They should apply wisdom to advise Ella to prevent such happening to her rather than disclose it outright. As it is, the union will collapse if she finds out as there will be lose of trust. But are Eric and his wife sure that Ella is totally ignorant of Jack’s past? Festus Sese, PH. (08037522***)

     

    -It is better for you to tell her in a simple way but you must tell her. Blessing O, Lagos (07085987***)

     

    -Good evening. Please I advise both of you to tell her right away or Ella may never forgive you when she finds out eventually. Please tell her now! Thank you. From anonymous, Festac, Lagos. (08038046***)

     

    -No dog is sleeping here, they are all awake. Time is running out too. Not to tell Ella is not an option if they are true and honest cousins. BZ, Kaduna (08099300***)

     

    -You and your husband should tell Ella about her husband at once; unless you don’t care what happens to her because he will definitely hurt her and the hurt will be worse then than now. (08088069***)

     

    -As quickly as possible, give the duped woman Jack’s address and quietly watch the matter pan out or you will eventually be an accomplice to Ella’s misfortune. (07088740***)

     

    -Your husband got the information divinely, to deliver your cousin from future trauma. If you fail to tell her, be assured that the load the conman would have carried, would be on you. Steven. (08035093***)

     

    -You guys really have to tell her. If its possible, tell her the story and pretend it happened to a friend of yours and see her reaction; then you can tell her that it was her husband that is involved. Obiefuna A, from PH. (08039458***)

     

    -In respect to the article to yesterday’s edition of the Nation newspaper, if her cousin doesn’t tell her, she is still going to hear about it and it might be too late then; maybe after he has swindled her too. The white woman has vowed to get him and she meant it. If the hands of the law catches up with him, it might be too hard for Ella to bear, so its advisable they inform her very soon. Good day. Hussein via email.

     

    -Pretend to be reading this same newspaper before her. If she gets curious about what you are reading, narrate the story to her and seek her opinion. Her perception about the story will enable you know what her state of mind is and whether you can tell her its her husband. Via email.

  • ‘A herbalist impregnated my wife; now my life is ruined’

    I would have picked the other alternative if I had known that my mother’s suggestion would bring calamity to my happy marriage. But as the saying goes, ‘had I known always comes last.’ My marriage was the type every man dreams to have, a union built on love, trust, but it was destroyed because our union was fruitless.

    My mother brought the idea of my wife seeing a herbalist who lived in a village close to ours. My wife and I rejected the idea but we gave in due to her endless pressure from my mother. I could remember that day vividly, the day I accepted the option.

    “Rufus,” my mother called me that evening during our conversation. “It is over thirteen years since you got married and no child to show for it. At first you said you were trying your best, this changed to God knows and from that to God’s time is the best. Don’t you know that heaven helps those who help themselves? All my friends are holding their grandchildren in their arms except me. Do you want me to die without seeing my grandchildren?” Nana, as she was fondly called by all, asked with her hands spread towards heaven as if she was addressing them.

    “Mother, what do you want us to do? Is it not God that gives children and he will give us children at his own time,” I replied.

    “My son, you’re playing with fire and I hope it doesn’t consume you because you’re not getting any younger and the earlier you start looking for your black goat before nightfall, the better for you,” she warned, pulling her left ear.

    “I don’t have any problem going to the place,” said my wife, “but you know your son.”

    “My dear, you can follow me to the place when I’m leaving. Men at times don’t face reality until is too late. Anyway, the place is not as bad as you people think it is. I’m doing this for the sake of the two of you,” she asserted.

    “There is no way I will let my wife see that fetish man just because we want children,” I stressed almost shouting at them. The issue was never discussed until my mother took her leave.

    Naomi continued from where mother stopped and mounted more pressure on me to let her see the herbalist. My home became a living hell for me, I would have said my mother bewitched my wife if not that I knew my mother too well.

    “Honey,” she called me during dinner on a Sunday evening, while holding my hands across the table and said, “Why can’t we try mother’s option and see what happens?”

    “What do you mean by mother’s option?” he asked

    “Don’t you want to have children?” she asked in reply.

    “Am I complaining, and what has come over you? We will surely have children; we will wait as long as it takes.”

    “It’s easy for you to say that because you are not the one receiving all the insult I receive on daily basis due to my inability to give you children,” she complained almost to the point of crying. “Besides, women have limited time for giving birth,” she continued nagging.

    “Please woman, don’t start with your emotional blackmail and let me eat in peace,” I said without taking my face away from the food in front of me.

    Her disturbance became more persistent; in fact, it got to a stage where I did not have peace in my home, which made me allow her travel to the village. My wife took a leave of absence from her office and went to the village. She spent three months and it was not easy for me to cope without her presence in the house because we have never stayed away from each other for that long.

     

    -By Udemma Chukwuma

    To be continued

  • Why some adults hurt children with words

    Dear Harriet, I am an undergraduate and your fan. I must say that I have learnt a lot from you. Your column is educative and informative. Please, why do some adults hurt children with words and make them feel so bad?

    Emeka, Lagos.

     

    No one knows for sure why some adults do this. They may have problems of their own that they can’t cope with. Some may have grown up being abused verbally or otherwise themselves. Could be that they really don’t understand wrong and right words.

    Words can hurt our children deeper than a blow. Out of frustration and anger, harmful words so easily pop out of our mouth when we are dealing with children, for example, a statement like this: ‘Why can’t you be like your sister’.

    A statement like this can cause emotional injury and low self-esteem. The words parents use form the basis of a child’s sense of self. Words are like a mirror, reflecting back to children vital information about who they are and what they will become. It is very easy to verbally hurt our children in subtle ways, often in the mistaken intension that we are doing what is best to teach them to behave.

    Most children are resilient and can handle an occasional hurtful comment from their parents. The more we are aware of the implication of harmful statements, however, the more likely we will be to find other ways to influence our children.

    Parents in most cases love their children. I cannot recall any parent telling me they don’t love their children. Therefore, most of them do not intentionally want to harm their children physically or emotionally.

    Still many parents think nothing of using words that affect their child’s psyche as painful as if the child has been beaten physically.

    Let’s look at this case together. A mum is in school to pick up her son after school and the first statement that comes out of her mouth is “I know you were bad today, weren’t you? You were bad”.

    No smile, no hug. This parent I know love her son and did not wish to destroy her child’s self-esteem. Yet that is exactly what is going to happen if care is not taken.

    A lot of parents need to understand the cognitive and emotional development of children. We take our children to the clinic for their physical checks and the paediatrician tells us all about their physical growth which is one aspect of the whole lot.

    Just as the physical growth is very important, we must not rule out the importance of the child’s cognitive and emotional growth as well.  The question that comes to mind is this: How successful is a healthy, full grown person whose psychological development is ignored?  Look around at the adult you know and you will understand what I am saying. When a child keeps hearing that he/she is bad, trust me, in no time that child will start thinking that he/she is really bad.

    Furthermore, name calling:  like lazy girl/boy, no brain, stupid, idiot, or fool.

    Parent’s words are like gospel to a child. If you label a child as a fool, an idiot, the child is likely to believe it’s true. Negative labels attack a child’s personality rather than specific behaviour. Name calling can be seen as self fulfilling prophecies. A child who is called clumsy, dummy, or lazy will definitely act like one. Mean words truly hurt children, cruel words destroy them.

    What to say instead: Direct your child’s attention to particular behaviour that needs changing. Be specific when you are correcting your child, make it clear that you are upset with his/her action not his person.

    Comparisons like why can’t you be like your brother? When I was your age, I use to…….. When you tell your child that she is not as well behaved or highly achieving as her brother, you sow a seed of resentment and bitter rivalry between your children. Children should not feel they are in competition with other family members because one will inevitably feel devalued and inferior to others. Even positive comparison can backfire. Comparisons instill competitive feelings and discord among siblings.

    What to say instead:  Comment on your observation, discuss with your child about your expectation, point out their strength and encourage the child on ways of improving.

    Cursing, for example, good for nothing!  Children depend almost entirely on their parent’s reactions to know whether they are good or bad, smart or dumb, loved or unlovable. They are very vulnerable emotionally. A child is likely to internalize her parent’s hostility and conclude the worst about him/her.

    What to say instead: As parents, we should learn to avoid cursing our children; we should correct them with love, bless them with our mouth and remember there is power in spoken words.

    Finally, I leave you with the incredible poem written by Dorothy Law Nolte:

    “If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn

    If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy

    If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty

    If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence

    If children live with praise, they learn appreciation

    If children live with acceptance, they learn to love

    If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves

    If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal”

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj