The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • ‘My cousin is married to a fraudster but who will tell her?’(2)

    ELLA had been married for about two years and I and the rest of the family were beginning to warm to him when his true colors were revealed. And it came about in a way no one expected. It happened this way. My husband, Eric, is a businessman and he does a lot of travelling in the course of his business.

    Sometime ago, he was on a business trip to a neighbouring country when by chance, he found out certain things about Jack’s past that shocked everyone of us who heard it. Eric was to have stayed about two weeks in the country but he cut the trip short to return home.

    “Honey, what happened? I wasn’t expecting you till next week!” I said as I hugged him before taking his bag.

    He sighed then sat down on the couch and said:

    “Something came up and my plans changed. Come and sit.” After I had sat down, he brought out a newspaper which he gave me. I looked at him askiance, before glancing at the paper. It was a foreign one, from the country he was returning from. It was opened to a page and a picture on it immediately drew my attention.

    “What’s this? What’s Jack’s picture doing in a foreign paper?” I asked my husband.

    “Why don’t you read the text?” he said. I did and what I read left me stupefied. It was a public notice declaring Jack wanted by the police for fraud, extortion and other offences. He was said to have made away with a large sum of money running into nearly half a million dollars said to belong to his wife.

    “What? Could this be true? Jack has another wife? How come?” I asked, the questions tumbling out. I just could not believe it. Though I had had some misgivings about my cousin’s husband right from the beginning, I never in my wildest dreams knew it could be this bad.

    I listened as Eric narrated what had transpired on his trip. “The hotel I stayed in distributes free copies of the paper to guests. So, one evening in my room, I was going through my copy when I chanced on the picture. Just like you, I was shocked; the name is different, probably a fake name, but it’s definitely Jack. Unless he has a twin we don’t know about. Anyway, the following day, I called one of the numbers listed there. It happened to be the said wife whom he had swindled.

    “I pretended I was a private detective and offered my services to her, stating I could help her trace her missing husband and recover her money. She seemed interested. We met up some time later and that was when she narrated the whole sordid story. She said she met aback at a nightclub in the city, got talking and later became friends. Jack, the woman stated claimed to be from Cameroun, the English speaking part and was in the country for business. One thing led to another and she fell in love. Before long, they got married and Jack moved into her house.

    Some months after the marriage, Jack, she stated suggested they should go into the importation business together. “He told me computers and mobile phones and accessories sold like hot cakes in his country and that if we imported them in large quantities from China, and took them to Cameroun, we would make double the amount we invested. It sounded like a good proposal and I decided to invest in the business. I gathered all the cash I had and even sold one of my buildings that I rent out, to raise the amount he said we needed for the business. He called me the first few days after he travelled then to my shock, the calls stopped abruptly. No calls, contact, nothing. I could not reach him on any of his phone lines? All this happened nearly three years ago.

    “Initially, I thought he was involved in an accident or some kind of trouble. But I found out later that he never travelled to China as he claimed. It was Dubai he went to and from there, he disappeared to God knows where. I later sent someone to Cameroun, to his house address where he claimed his parents lived. But we were told there was nobody like that living there. The address is a workshop where welders and other artisans work. The bastard duped me and made away with all my life’s savings. It will never be well with him wherever he is! I’m ready to spend whatever it takes to get him, so he can pay for what he did to me,” the woman had vowed.

     

    ***

    After Eric stopped talking, we sat down for a while in silence. It was a shocking story; the type you read about in the papers but never think it could happen to someone close to you. God, how could this happen to Ella, were my thoughts as I mulled over things.

    Later, we discussed the next line of action, especially how to break the news to Ella that the man she was married to was a big time con man, a ‘419’ (in local parlance), a man who could marry a woman on false pretences just to clean her out of her hard earned money.

    Was he planning to do the same to my cousin, Ella? Ella had a lot of money and investments so was that his plan in marrying her so quickly after they met? How would Ella take the news? She was already pregnant with their second child, so was in a delicate situation. How do you break that kind of news to someone in her condition, I thought glumly.

    “So, what are we going to do now? Should we tell her the truth about Jack?” I asked Eric.

    “Obviously, yes. We can’t keep this kind of information from her; it’s only fair that she be informed,” he replied.

    The issue now is, who is going to tell her? I was reluctant to do it because I know how much Ella loves her husband. Besides, she has invested so much in the marriage that such news would be devastating to her. Is it right that we should break her illusions, shatter her dreams of marital bliss? Should we tell her as my husband has suggested or let sleeping dogs lie, hoping that she will discover the truth by herself? What if he ends up duping her like he did to the other woman whom he married before? What should I do? I’m really confused and will appreciate if someone could suggest a way out of this dilemma. Thank you.

    The End

     

    Send comments to 08030822400 (sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com. Follow us on Twitter @TheNationNews

    Names have been changed to protect Ella’s identity and other individuals in the story.

  • ‘My cousin is married to a fraudster but who will tell her?’

    ELLA is my cousin. We actually grew up together. You see, after her father’s death when she was just nine, she had come to live with us. Her mother could not cope raising the five children she had alone, so the family had decided that three of the children should be shared among the relatives of her father including my own father. That was how Ella came to live with us. She was about my age, just a few months older. Being the only girl in our family, Ella became like my sister. We did everything together and became really close.

    We only got separated when I started secondary school as I was in a boarding house. But we made up for it during the holidays when we spent most of our time and did errands together. Over the years, this love and closeness between us remained even as we grew up to become young ladies with big dreams of becoming successful in life. My desire was to read Law

    like my elder brother Mike but I was unsuccessful in the JAMB examinations at my first attempt. That discouraged me and at my second attempt I chose another course and got admitted to my university of choice which made me very happy.

    As for Ella, she was more interested in business and as she used to say, ‘make plenty of money’. She was concerned about her mother who had been battling some health issues and wanted to make enough money to be able to take care of her and some of her siblings who were not doing so well.

    After secondary school, my father, who was willing to train her further was disappointed when Ella declined, insisting she had other plans. Anyway, she later went into the business of buying and selling of women and children’s clothes and other products. That was the beginning for Ella. It was not easy for her as she struggled so much to establish her business in the competitive business terrain. But with hard work and focus, she scaled through and today, over ten years later, she can be considered a success in her chosen field. From the small business, she diversified into other areas including manufacturing with a small factory where she produces food packs and plastics.

    Among our age group, my cousin is the richest with a few landed properties and other investments to her name. One area, however that she has not been so lucky is her love life. Ella has always faced disappointments in men, beginning from her first relationship when she was in her mid- twenties. Unlike some of our mates and I who had begun dating much earlier, Ella was a late starter. She had been so focused on her business that she had given guys and relationships a wide berth.

    That changed when she met Paddy. She fell madly in love with him and was ready to do anything for him. But Paddy did not feel the same way about her as later events proved. A year after they met, the guy left her, claiming his parents were against the relationship as they were from different tribes. He did not just leave her with a broken heart, he made away with a substantial amount of money my cousin had loaned him for a business he claimed he wanted to do. Till today, we have not seen the money nor the idiot.

     

    Meeting Jack

    Almost all the other relationships she had after that useless Paddy ended up the same way: a wounded heart and a reduced faith in the male gender. Infact, Ella had vowed never to have anything to do with any man for a long time, until she was ready to get married. However, on meeting Jack, her tune changed. Within a short time, she was head over heels in love and to the shock of nearly everyone in the family, was already planning to marry him!

    Afterall all her past experiences, I found it difficult to believe that she would be so reckless as to get engaged to a man whom she had met just five months before. Seeing that she was about to make another costly mistake, I advised her to slow down on the relationship with her new love.

    “Ella, don’t you think you are moving too fast with this your new man? I think five months is too short to know someone fully,” I told her one day on a visit to her house. We were relaxing in her nicely furnished sitting room, watching a musical programme on the big screen TV.

    At my words, Ella simply smiled then stated:

    “What more is there to know, Emily? He loves me very much and that’s all that matters.”

    But I was not ready to give up. My instincts, from the few times I had interacted with him, were not good. There was just something about him that did not click. I could not place my finger on it but I just felt it.

    “Look, I’m not saying you should stop seeing him. Just take it easy a bit, a little slower so we know whether he is serious or not. Remember what happened with Paddy some years back,” I pointed out.

    “Please don’t remind me of that asshole! Thank God, my Jack is not like him. And if you are afraid he’s after my money, rest your mind. He has his own money which he even spends on me. Since we met, he has not asked me for a single dime. Besides, I’ve learnt my lesson and I can never spend my money on any man especially when we are not married. So, don’t worry. Everything will be fine,” she reassured me, smiling broadly.

    Seeing how determined and confident she was about the relationship, I decided to back off. Love or whatever it was, had blinded her to all sense of reasoning and there was nothing anyone could say to make her see reason. I however prayed things would work out well and not end up like her former affairs.

    Some months after our conversation, Ella and Jack got married in a lavish wedding ceremony. Sh looked so happy and radiant on her wedding day that I renewed my prayers for her, that her union with her husband would last and be filled with happiness. Everything seemed to go well and they both settled down to marital life.

    A year later, Ella gave birth to a lovely baby girl whom they named Tyra. I was happy for her, that she had found happiness at last and that perhaps I was wrong about Jack afterall. He looked devoted to Ella and doted so much on their little girl. Based on that, my earlier view of her husband changed and I began to see him in a new light.

    But as later events proved, it turned out my first instincts about Jack were right…

    To be continued

     

    Send comments to 08030822400(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

    Names have been changed to protect Ella’s identity and other individuals in the story

  • Seven reasons he has not proposed

    TIMES without number, I keep hearing complaints from single ladies complaining about their boyfriends/lovers unwillingness to make the relationship permanent by proposing. So ladies, after showing a guy love and affection, committing your time, efforts, and/ or resources to the relationship, he is still unwilling to put a ring on it, why? Some of the reasons are found below, enjoy.

     

    1. He is not ready for marriage. Marriage is a big commitment that should only be entered when one is physically, emotionally, and financially ready for it. The financial situation in the present day Nigerian society has led to many putting off marriage as long as possible. However, the unwillingness to commit to marriage does not mean that people are willing to be celibate. Going into relationships with no intention of making any form of commitment has become a way of life. Therein lies the conundrum; ladies, the guy you are with might tell you he loves you so that you can continue to date him, and give your body to him even though he has no intention of marrying you. He might only want sex, not marriage so it’s up to you.

     

    1. You are not his type. Many men have an idea of the idea of the kind of women they would like to settle down with, but until they meet that woman, they are quite capable of making-do with ‘Miss available’, until ‘Miss Right’ appears, when she does, ‘Miss Available’ is shown the way out. So it might be in your own best interests as a lady to save yourself for the man who will marry you, not simply for a series of boyfriends to toy with.

     

    1. He is in love with someone else. You might want to ask why he would date you if he already has someone he loves. Well, many men like variety, others may be in long distance relationships, for some others, the object of their affections might not be making her body available, so bros has to find a way to sort himself out.

     

    4 .He dislikes your attitude. A relationship is an opportunity to study a person’s character at close quarters, not sample each other’s bodies. When a man decides to settle down, he is not likely to make an emotional decision and marry you only because he loves you. Most men will study the lady, if not do some background check of her character. This is where the character of a lady is of utmost importance. Some ladies simply lack manners, or as we put it here in Nigeria “Have no home training”, some have rubbished themselves by making themselves the village mattrass in the name of love, or looking for a husband, so when Mr Right comes along it becomes a problem. For some others, they have a reputation for being rude, or are dirty, lazy, or what have you. So you might want to check your attitude.

     

    1. Your belief systems are different. Even though a lot can be said for inter religious unions, the fact is that not many men are willing to marry outside their faiths, especially if the lady is unwilling to adopt the religion of her man. The reason is simply that many men want order in their homes, and having a wife of the same faith makes it easier to raise children who will toe the family line.

     

    1. You don’t have a means of livelihood. Many ladies want to marry men who are established in careers or businesses, yet have no visible means of livelihood of their own. Ladies, the syllabus has changed! Go to school, or learn a trade, and find a job. It will not only provide your needs, but also give you some self-respect. Many men no longer want women who will be liabilities, while some even require that their wives be able to contribute something. Having said that, being fully engaged in some sort of job will make it easier to say no to predators that are willing to pay for your favours without offering a future (marriage).

     

    1. You like money too much. I can’t count the number of times I have heard Nigerian guys complain about our ladies, saying that our ladies love money too much. This might be the reason some ladies are willing to date married men, or even become second, or third wives, rather than marry a struggling young man. Could there be any truth in that assertion? The truth is that no one wants to be loved for their possessions, we all crave to be loved for who we are, not what we have. The economic condition of Nigeria has made many of our ladies money minded, so much so that they put more emphasis on the size of a man’s bank account than the content of his character. Unfortunately, they will have more than enough

  • Marriage convenant responsibilities (4)

    DEAR reader, welcome to the last segment on this column. This week, I will yet be looking at the responsibilities of the woman.

    Home Maker

    The woman in the home has the responsibility of making her home. God’s Word says: To be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed (Titus 2:5; see also Proverbs 14:1). The home is what the woman makes it to be. An adage says, “As you lay your bed, so you lie on it.” Make your home conducive for the Holy Spirit to dwell in. There are some homes you enter, and you just sense the presence of the Holy Spirit. You can see joy and gladness on the faces of those who live there. There are some others that, as soon as you enter their homes, you feel tension in the atmosphere.

    The woman has a great role to play in determining the spiritual atmosphere of the home. You can determine to make your home a conducive place for the Holy Spirit to dwell in. Keep your home for Jesus, and out of the reach of the devil.

    Keeping the home involves doing it physically and spiritually.  Spiritually, you keep your home by prayers, the Word of God, fasting and watching. Physically, you keep it clean and tidy. The cleanliness in some homes commands attention, while in others, you wonder whether cleanliness means anything to them.  No matter how small or big the place you are living is, keep it clean, to the glory of God. Some women appear neat outside, but leave their homes in a mess with everything there “rioting!” This is hypocrisy. Cleanliness is part of spirituality; therefore, woman, be clean inside and outside.

    The woman, as a home keeper, prepares food for her household. The book of Proverbs describe the virtuous woman as one who “Giveth meat to her household” (Proverbs 31:15). Members of her household are all adequately taken care of.  How well people in the home are taken care of depends, therefore, on how efficient she is in performing this duty.

    Keeping the home requires diligence, spiritually and physically. It is energy and time-consuming, but the result speaks for itself.  A lazy woman cannot keep a home, but God will always supply the strength that is required.

    Solution Provider

    Mothers are solution providers. They are blessings and not burdens to their families. At the wedding of Cana, in John 2: 5, Mary the mother of Jesus directed the servants, who lacked enough wine for the wedding to the solution. She said: Whatsoever he (Christ) saith unto you, do it.

    Someone said, “Men are what their mothers make them.” Another person said about Martin Luther (initiator of the reformation movement): “Behind the monk, who shook the world was the influence of a mother.” A child’s first TEACHER is his mother. There is a special link between a mother and the child she carried in her womb and breast-fed at birth.

    This link gives the mother a unique position and tie with the child, which fathers don’t have and can be used as a point of contact to pray for the proper development of your child. Susannah Wesley, the mother of the well-known Methodist preacher John Wesley, spent one hour each day praying for her 17 children. She took each child aside for a full hour every week to discuss spiritual matters.” No investment made over your child’s life is wasted. Your children of today are the leaders of tomorrow. Abraham Lincoln, a one-time President of the USA said, “All that I am, I owe to my angel mother.”

    There is an adage that says, “Charity begins at home.” Yes, it is true and a real mother will do well to initiate it in her family, if it is lacking. Stretch out your heart spiritually and pray for others. Don’t let your prayers focus only on “me, myself and I. Stretch out your hand physically and give to others. Always look for an opportunity to be a blessing to others, because giving is living. Give to the needy and not just to your friends. Feed the hungry and your children will never be hungry. Whenever you give to the needy, you are doing it for God and He will surely repay you (Proverbs19:17).

    To be a keeper and a solution provider requires the grace of God and to access that grace, you must be born again. This is by confessing your sins and accepting Jesus as your Saviour and Lord. If you are ready to be a child of God, please say this prayer: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner.  Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood.  Deliver me from sin and Satan to serve the living God.  I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.”

    If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • Dealing with rape

    DEAR Aunty Harriet, Please, what happens to people who are raped? I am a 14- year old girl who was raped by my 54-year old uncle. He threatened to kill me, if I told my parents. Now, I just discovered that I am pregnant. The sad thing is that I am afraid to tell my parents. What if they don’t believe me.  My only consolation is that I still keep the dress I wore on the day it happened. It has blood stains.

    Ayo, Lagos.

    Your story is one that must be treated properly with all the necessary steps followed seriously. We commend you for sharing your story; it takes courage to speak out because most victims are too afraid or ashamed to tell anyone. Others feel no one will believe their stories. They will rather keep the whole issue of rape to themselves. They try to deal with it on their own without involving anyone. Silence does not heal such wounds. Instead, it makes it worse because rape can destroy someone if not tackled properly. It can affect other aspects of the victim’s life. The offender must be exposed so that first he can face the law for his wicked act.  It is aIso to put an end to it because if not reported the offender will seize the opportunity to keep sexually abusing the victim or might rape someone else and in most cases they go as far as threatening his victim. Some even tell them that no one will believe their stories. This is mainly common with offenders that are well known to the family, for example, relatives and close family friends. Our hearts go to you for the bad thing your trusted uncle did to you, but the only way you can feel better, even in the middle of the whole situation, is to tell your parents. You might want to tell your mother because he is her brother, but make sure your daddy is home when you do so. Don’t hide any information from them. Yes, I know you are afraid with thoughts going through your head. Trust me, they will not react the way you think. At least, one or both will believe you, however, in some cases, you find the woman defending or covering her brother. Others might accuse their children of telling lies against their brothers, instead of taking action and showing sympathy to the innocent child that has being defiled and traumatized. Ayo, the rape is not your fault; it is your uncle’s fault.

    Nobody has the right to rape you. You did not ask to be raped, and you did not want to be raped. There is no moral justification for his action because, in most cases, victims blame themselves for the act, so for healing to take place after you have reported the issue, let your parents know how you feel about the whole thing. Open up to them so that they can help you heal. Parents in situation like this should listen to their children; provide all the necessary help that they need. Encourage and protect them; keep assuring them and don’t be too harsh on yourself as well. This is not a time for blame. Instead, it is a time for you to walk with your child through the stages of grief and other emotions and reactions. Help her confront, express and resolve all feelings. Accept them with understanding and comfort.  Rape, as we know, is an unspeakably tragic and traumatic experience for most victims, especially when the offender is a close relative. Next is to seek medical care for the victim. This is actually the first thing to do once it is reported immediately. On such occasion, the victim might still be in shock. Some might not be aware of the physical injuries they suffered. Seek the help of a doctor for a check-up. Follow these steps: Don’t change clothes worn during rape. Don’t shower after the rape. This includes douching or washing because valuable evidence for identifying the offender may be lost. Also test for sexually transmitted diseases. As for Ayo’s case, it is not too late. The fact that you did not follow the above steps initially is because you were scared. You still have the dress that was stained with blood on the day your uncle raped you. If he denies it, which he will, kindly show the dress to your parents. The dress can be of help for medical investigation to who the real offender is. Furthermore, because rape isn’t just physically damaging, it can be emotionally damaging as well. A person who has been raped and pregnant may have mixed emotions. They can be angry, scared, or embarrassed, among other feelings. These mixed emotions can manifest themselves in many ways, such as sleeping , eating and withdrawal from everyday activities, mistrust towards others, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and extreme fear or paranoia. The best way to deal with the emotional trauma of rape is to seek professional help from a therapist or counsellor. A professional will take the victim through all the necessary healing process which is very vital. Rape must not be ignored. The fact about healing is that the situation might get worse before it gets better. At the end of the day, as you go through the stages with activities, you will be fine. Above all, God will definitely see you through and you will smile again.

    Take care of yourself.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Courtship before marriage

    DEAR Harriet, I need your advice on courtship before marriage. Please, do you think it is  it necessary?

    Thanks.

    Name withheld, Port-Harcourt.

     

    Thanks for your email. It is very important to note that marriage is a serious affair and must be treated with all seriousness in order to avoid complaints, regrets and so on which can lead to other marital issues, including divorce. Marriage should be based on true love, and not infatuation or pity, and courtship should be considered with a man or woman whom you love enough to marry not just anyone.

    You cannot judge by the number of years or months, but once you have it at the back of your mind that marriage is a learning institute based on relationship, then you place yourself in a better position.

    Courtship is of immense significance for any man or woman, intending to commit themselves to each other in marriage. It is wise to start on a note of prayer. Both of you should commit the issue of marriage to the one who ordains the union and that is God. The period of courtship should be handled with great diligence. It is good to look well before leaping. This is the time to interact with the hope of experiencing deeper understanding of each other. In other words, there must be effective communication.

    Note that the period of courtship also provides a ground for openness, leading to authentic knowledge of each other based on love, trust and faith. The time spent together should be an opportunity for growth and positive enrichment. As a result , such encounter, if utilized properly should help the intending couple to know each other strength and weaknesses.

    Moreover, get to know each other’s family. As much as possible, spend time with each other’s families. Visit them because it is very important so that if you do end up in marriage, you will have a better understanding of them in order to get along freely. They will not see you as a stranger, but as part of their family. Family, in this part of the world as we know, is an invaluable resource which forms an integral part of who we are. Getting close to his or her family will give you an insight into his relationship with his family members and the kind of family. Love, they say, can be blind at times, but family and friends can really help to correct our vision.

    Courtship can be regarded as a time of discovery. The step you are about to take is not a boyfriend or girlfriend issue. It is a lifetime commitment like I  said at the beginning. So, as you are busy taking the above into consideration, don’t forget to also study yourself to know your likes and dislikes, your temperament and mode of life because this process will surely enhance your personal understanding of who you are and how you can work towards improving yourself to be right for your Mr. Right. Most times, we want our partner to be the right person, forgetting that we also have to be right as well.

    Your parents or guardians are important, so you should carry them along on the issue of marriage. Some cases we know can be difficult, but try to communicate with your parents for them to understand your dreams and aspirations. If you have to give them time to see reason with your choice, do so with an open mind. Don’t assume that they are irrelevant.

    Remember they raised you and they will always want the best for you in most cases. In addition, to a large extent, they have been instrumental in your well- being. You may not agree on every issue, but endeavour to respect and honour them in passing across your point.

    Another area to make open during courtship is the aspect of finance. It has to be said here that financial consideration should not be a priority in the process of preparing for marriage. Nevertheless, we must not underestimate its importance. True love and not wealth should be the motivating factor. This is because there are many rich homes where there is no love and happiness. Even in the midst of wealth, some marriages have broken down. Partners should, however, take steps to be self-reliant, particularly in the financial aspect. This requires openness that will enable partners to truly know the financial strength of each other, bearing in mind that marriage will bring additional financial demands. The leadership role of a man, for example, in a home naturally imposes upon him more financial responsibilities. It is, therefore, incumbent on him to find out, if he has the financial power to meet in the immediate and future the demands of his wife to-be.

    Together they should find out what each person is bringing to the table now or in the future. This is very important because it is risky to marry a person that has no source of income, except there is a concrete arrangement or evidence that something will come up in the future. Care must be taken not to allow money destroy the values of love, peace, happiness and unity in the home. Dialogue and cooperation on money matters were vital during courtship because it helps the man and the woman to build a solid foundation on how to manage their resources when they get married.

    It also helps them to manage their emotions when it comes to money.  Intimacy in courtship is not to be neglected, both emotional and physical. It is advisable to be able to set boundaries for proper reasoning. Decide what your limitations are. After all, if everything works out, you will spend the rest of your life with him or her. The excitement is one great moment that couples look forward to.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Dealing with family challenges

    DEAR Harriet, I read your page for the first time at a friend’s place. I must commend you for putting out important information on how to deal with life issues. Your article,’My hubby betrayed my trust,’ was an eye opener for me. Please, can you throw light on general family problems because a lot of families today are facing many challenges. Thanks

    Mr. Ezekiel Jacob,

    Ogba, Lagos.

    Thanks for your compliment and contribution. We really appreciate them.  Family problems as a matter of fact come in all shapes and sizes. Some are shortlived and easily managed, while others are more chronic and difficult to handle. Some are just temporary phases that go in no time, if only families learn to be patient and tolerant. As the saying goes, there is no perfect family. That is why each family develops its own ways of coping with the various stresses like illness, injury, changing jobs, unemployment, financial difficulties and so on. Unsuccessful coping can be recognized by a number of characteristics as follows: poor communication, poor problem-solving methods, poor division of duties, lack of emotional support, differences, overdependence on others and chronic crises.

    Poor communication : It is one common problem that exists within the family. Could be that family members either avoid talking with one another due to past encounter or have not learned to listen well to what others are trying to say through their words, expressions or actions. As a matter of fact, a situation where conflicts  are not resolved poses  a problem to the family. This usually occurs when family members avoid discussing problems or even avoid admitting that there is a problem in the first place.  Impression like this extends conflicts and causes some discomfort and unhappiness. Some families still have not learnt  the skill of negotiating or, for some other reason, cannot let go of bad  feelings with little or no regard on how this action can affect the members of the family, bearing in mind that children on their own pattern their attitude after their parents’ bahaviour.

    In addition, inability to settle issues within  the family can also pose as a huge problem. For example, in a situation where family members are finding it difficult  on  deciding what problems really exist, who is responsible, the option for working out the problem and how the family can agree upon an option and act on it. There may not be an agreement on what the priorities are within the family in the process.

    Another aspect that poses a problem in a family is the area of poor division of responsibilities. Families often decide how family responsibilities will be shared among family members. When situation like this occurs, the life of the family becomes completely confused and many things are not accomplished. At the other extreme, some families are not flexible at all and family members do not help one another out or fairly reassign responsibilities as family circumstances change.

    Insufficient emotional support is not left out as a problem facing the family. Families are the most important source of emotional support for children. During the middle years, children, for instance, believe that their emotional support should come from their family. A  situation where it is not available, they then start seeking for it outside the family which, as a result, put them in danger. It should be noted that children do not perform or develop well without their family support.

    Lack of individual differences: Families function best when the individuality of each family member is acknowledged and appreciated. Personal traits and characteristics are to be highly valued. Each family member needs to tolerate and respect individual traits, and lack of this can lead to serious challenge in the family. When family members withhold love from one another because of family differences, children, as members of the family, are most likely to have difficult time developing a healthy self-image, and they will have low self-esteem and limited poor social skills.

    Overdependence on others: Children need to succeed in order to feel capable of successfully managing life’s stress and challenges. If they are taught or encouraged to depend on others (within the family or outside it) to solve their problems will be a difficult issue. It also limits their ability to challenge themselves. Low self -esteem is one common factor that is attached to overdependence on others. As a matter of fact, this is one common problem the family suffers

    Chronic crises: Families which have some of the above characteristics are likely to have trouble coping with life’s inevitable crises. In these families relatively simple problems are not resolved, but take on the appearance and feel of major dilemmas. Thus by their lack of successful coping skills, these families create additional difficulties for themselves and go from crisis to crisis with little relief and little pleasure from life or from one another. Although we all strive for perfection, there is no perfect family. Each family has its own strengths and weaknesses, assets and liabilities, challenges and problems. If your family seems overwhelmed with problems or if there is breakdown in relationships within your family, it is probably time for professional aid.

    As parents as well, your task is to meet the multiple demands of the family with energy and creativity. By doing so, you will enable your children to grow and develop in a positive and healthy way in order to experience self-fulfilment.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Game of hope (1)

    It was my last class of the day and as I stepped out of the classroom into the corridor, I ran into Debra, a fellow teacher. Trailing behind her were two students, a boy and a girl in the senior school with their school bags strapped on their backs.

    “Ah, Sonia, I was about looking for you in the staff room. Please, lend me your cane. I need to teach these two a lesson,” she said, turning to scowl at the students who looked down as if ashamed of themselves.

    “What have they done this time?” I queried.

    Drawing closer, she explained she had caught them at the back of the class she was teaching, watching porn movies on a mobile phone.

    “My students were doing a test I had given them. I stood by the window to relax a little and take some fresh air, when I looked down and saw them outside, by the wall. They were supposed to be in class but were instead watching dirty films. At your age! Is this what your parents sent you to school to do?” she said angrily to them.

    “Please, Ma. We are sorry! This won’t happen again,” the girl pleaded earnestly, her hands raised in supplication.

    “Shut up! I will report both of you to the Principal after flogging you. And you know what that means; your parents will hear about this and you will both go on suspension!” Debra stated angrily. At that point, both of them knelt down, pleading with Debra and even appealing to me to save them.

    “Please, Ma, do whatever you want with me. But don’t let my Daddy hear or he will kill me,” the girl begged.

    At that point, I took Debra’s hand and drawing her aside said:

    “I think it’s better you handle this instead of involving the Principal. The exams are approaching and it might affect them if they are suspended from school.”

    She grudgingly agreed and turning to the two errant students, she ordered:

    “Follow me!”

    I stood watching as they all marched down the long corridor until they disappeared round a corner…

    I shook my head and walked towards the staff room, thinking about all the stuff and ‘drama’ one saw every day as a teacher. I had been working at the school for about three years and while I enjoyed the job, it could be stressful at times. But it was better than staying home idle after graduation. I had written so many applications and attended endless interviews all to no avail; I had not been able to secure a job nearly four years after leaving school.

    Infact, I was at the point of getting really frustrated with my job hunt when one of my uncles, who knew the proprietor of the school, arranged the teaching job for me. To supplement my salary, which was not that fantastic, I conduct home lessons for some selected students.

    On getting home, I took a quick bath, ate and rested a bit before going to the home of one of my students…

     

    ***

    Her name was Joy and she was an eleven-year-old JSS 11 student. Joy was sitting at the dining table working on her lesson, when I arrived.

    “Joy, you have not finished the homework since yesterday?” I queried, standing by her at the table.

    She looked up at me sheepishly then said:

    “No, Aunty Sonia. I’m really sorry. It’s just my friend Ena came over and she wanted to watch the new film my Daddy brought and…” she said.

    “You know that’s not good enough Joy. Always do your home work first before watching movies or playing games,” I told her.

    “Ok Aunty. Please, Aunty Sonia, can you help me with this calculation?” she asked, pointing to her note.

    Except for her playful ways, teaching Joy was no problem as she was quite intelligent. I had been teaching her for six months and we were getting on well. If it were not for the unforeseen problem that had come up, I would have continued as her teacher for a long time. But from the look of things, I might have to give up as her teacher.

    It was all because of my friend, Thelma, who incidentally is Joy’s older sister. Thelma and I knew ourselves way back at the university. We had done a lot things together which I will state later in my story. Presently, however, Thelma is at war with me because of her father, a widower. Her mother had died over ten years earlier when Joy was still a baby. He had not remarried and had focused on taking care of Thelma and her siblings.

    Her father, whom I usually called Uncle Luke had to my surprise, fallen in love with me. All the while I was coming to their home to teach Joy, I had regarded him like my own Dad or older uncle. He was about sixty years old, nearly twice my age and I looked on him as a father figure. But unknown to me, Uncle Luke had developed feelings for me. And just a month ago, he had taken it a step further and proposed marriage!

    When my friend heard about the proposal, she had hit the roof. She had been really angry and we had had a big quarrel over the matter. She had accused me of seducing her father and using charms on him to make him fall in love and even propose. She said if I did not leave her Dad alone, she will reveal so many secrets about me, especially about my escapades while at the university…

    To be continued

     

    Send comments/suggestions to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of the narrator, Sonia and other individuals in the story.

  • My hubby betrayed my trust

    DEAR Harriet, Thanks for providing an avenue for people like me to pour out their hearts. You are doing a great job counselling us. God bless you. I am a mother of three lovely children with a caring husband.

    It all started when my husband pleaded with me to quit my bank job, so that I could take care of the children while he worked because they were too young to be alone with the house help.  With no hesitation, I agreed totally with my husband’s decision because raising our children in the way we wanted was my ultimate desire.

    I saw it as a sacrifice that I had to make, but recently my husband has started passing some annoying comments regarding to the way I spend money. He talks to me as nobody. Personally, I feel really hurt because I know the way I have been managing just to make ends meet.

    I have gone as far as selling most of my gold jewelleries that I bought when I was working in the bank. Initially he told me that he would be giving me a monthly allowance, apart from the housekeeping allowance. Well, he did that for three months. All I get currently is the housekeeping money which is not enough. I am angry about the whole issue. Please, tell me what to do. Thanks.

    Name withheld,  Lagos.

     

    We must commend you for telling your story and giving us the permission to publish it.  Thanks a lot. Bear in mind that you are not alone in this situation.

    A good number of women have left their jobs to be homemakers, while some are having it easy going and others are experiencing the same challenge as you. I know how you feel. A person who has been financially independent will find it very frustrating, if he has to depend on somebody financially.

    Your feeling of frustration is highly expected, but how you manage the situation is also very important because if you don’t address it properly, it may lead to other serious issues.

    The first step is not to take it personal. It could be that he is going through financial stress.  He might not mean it the way you are seeing it which is common with some men when they are going through tough times. The way forward is to have a discussion with him about how the situation is making you feel. Explain in a calm and loving manner and not in an angry way.

    Anger is a powerful emotion. If not handled appropriately, it may have destructive results for you and your loved ones. See this matter as a motivating factor for you to look inwards. Check yourself. Talk to your spouse about your passion and how it will be of great benefit, if you start doing something.

    Communicate openly and freely with him and listen to his opinion. If his response is not immediate, be patient and don’t keep talking about it. Mention it occasionally. Approach all financial issues as a team, setting goals for resolving money setbacks and agreeing on a course of action together.

    Provide clarity of purpose necessary for finding solution. Learn to avoid regrets and self-pity. This is simply a waste of emotion. Don’t wallow in it because feeling sorry for yourself or situation does not solve anything. Your job as a homemaker is not a simple job.

    As a homemaker, you work by the clock with little or no break. Keeping the home front is the reason why he is finding his job easy, so always remember that you are also contributing to the growth of the family. This will help your self-esteem.

    Times in marriage do occasionally get tough. If you have a loving and trusting relationship with your spouse, believe in that and show appreciation instead of talking down on them.

    Another way to approach your situation is not to see his comment as talk down, but as a way of letting him know what it costs to run your home. Start out by making a household budget; this should include daily expenses like food, home maintenance, weekly buys like groceries, school items for the kids, gas and items of personal care, as well as monthly debits like bills and fees for services.

    However, the important aspect is that it will give room for him to see how you spend the housekeeping money.  Hopefully, it might put an end to the excessive spending comments.

    In marriage, there should be effective communication to solving money issues so that both spouses can work together towards achieving their family goals and at the same time imbibe a sense of individual empowerment.

    Sacrifice is also a major and vital factor for a successful marriage, so whatever you do to assist your family is for the progress of your home which you are part of.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Top 10 tips for building loving relationships

    Top 10 tips for building loving relationships

    FOUNDER and Director of Life Unlimited: The Center for Human Possibility, Dr.Lynda Klau has said that building loving relationships is possible if  couple would obey the following 10 tips:

     

    1. Create a safe environment where you can trust and share openly without being afraid: Don’t interrupt, even if you need to put your hand over your mouth to stop yourself. Learn to fight fairly. No name calling. Don’t make threats. Apologize when you know you should. If you’re too angry to really listen, stop! Go into another room, take space for yourself, breathe, and “calm down.” Remember: your partner is not the enemy.

     

    2. Separate the facts from the feelings: What beliefs and feelings get triggered in you during conflicts? Ask yourself: Is there something from my past that is influencing how I’m seeing the situation now? The critical question you want to ask: Is this about him or her, or is it really about me? What’s the real truth? Once you’re able to differentiate facts from feelings, you’ll see your partner more clearly and be able to resolve conflicts from clarity.

    3. Connect with the different parts of yourself: Each of us is not a solo instrument. We’re more like a choir or an orchestra with several voices. What is your mind saying? What is your heart saying? What is your body saying? What is your ‘gut’ saying? For example: My mind is saying ‘definitely leave her,’ but my heart says ‘I really love her.’ Let these different voices or parts of you co-exist and speak to one another. In this way, you will find an answer that comes from your whole self.

     

    4. Develop Compassion: Practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don’t have to identify with it. Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to dialoging respectfully with your partner. As you increasingly learn to see your partner compassionately, you will have more power to choose your response rather than just reacting.

     

    5. Create a “we” that can house two “I’s”: The foundation for a thriving, growing, mutually-supportive relationship is to be separate and connected. In co-dependent relationships, each person sacrifices part of him or her self, compromising the relationship as a whole. When you are separate and connected, each individual “I” contributes to the creation of a “we” that is stronger than the sum of its parts.

     

    6. Partner, heal thyself: Don’t expect your partner to fill your emotional holes, and don’t try to fill theirs. Ultimately, each of us can only heal ourselves. Your partner, however, can be supportive as you work with yourself, and vice versa. In fact, living in a loving relationship is healing in and of itself.

     

    7. Relish the differences between you: The differences between you and your partner are not negatives. You don’t need to be with someone who shares all of your interests and views. We may sometimes fear that these differences are incompatibilities, but in fact, they’re often what keeps a relationship exciting and full of good fire.

     

    8. Ask questions: All too often, we make up our own stories or interpretations about what our partners’ behavior means. For example: “She doesn’t want to cuddle; she must not really love me anymore.” We can never err on the side of asking too many questions, and then listen to the answers from your whole self  heart, gut, mind and body. Equally important is to hear what’s not being said  the facts and feeling that you sense might be unspoken.

     

    9. Make time for your relationship: No matter who you are or what your work is, you need to nurture your relationship. Make sure you schedule time for the well-being of your relationship. That includes making “playdates” and also taking downtime together. Frequently create a sacred space together by shutting off all things technological and digital. Like a garden, the more you tend to your relationship, the more it will grow.

     

    10. Say the “hard things” from love: Become aware of the hard things that you’re not talking about. How does that feel? No matter what you’re feeling in a situation, channel the energy of your emotions so that you say what you need to say in a constructive manner.