The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Harmful effects of alcohol on teenagers (2)

    AN alcoholic is well acquainted with depression (a bout of severe and prolonged sadness and hopelessness) which, if not controlled, can compel a person to drink instead of acting as a solution, it will actually increase the state of depression. The pain of such emotions heightened by the chemicals affecting his system often exceeds other form of depression. In addition, an alcoholic will typically experience fatal blow to his or her self- esteem. The feeling of no will power sets in. tragically. Such feeling of low self-worth tends only to drive him/her to drink which, if not dealt with, will deepen his/her conviction of worthlessness.

    Personality distortion is another effect of alcohol. An alcoholic becomes nearly unrecognizable to many family members and friends. Too much alcohol changes the person from the person they use to be. Things that were once priorities are no longer important. Former values and interests are abandoned. A teen that meticulously takes care of his/her appearance may often appear frumpy and dishevelled as a result of the intake of much alcohol.  The involvement with alcohol will definitely affect the teen’s perception of reality and ability to make good decisions. This can be really bad for teenagers that already have less problem-solving and decision-making experience. Other effects can be classified as long-term and short-term effects.

    Under short-term effects, we have distorted vision, hearing and coordination; altered perceptions and emotions and impaired judgment which may lead to accidents, drowning and other risky behaviour like unsafe sex and the use of drugs. Bad breath and hangover are not left out.

    However, the long-term effects are as follows: cirrhosis, cancer of the liver, loss of appetite, serious vitamin deficiencies, stomach ailments, increase in the risk of impotence, high risk for over dosing, memory loss and the damage of the heart central nervous system.

    A young person, who is struggling with alcoholism, is in acute and urgent need of help. Even if the teenager has not progressed far into alcoholism, even if he/she does not perceive his or her own need of help, the parents/guardians must wisely and diligently seek to bring help and healing.

    Gently but firmly guide the teenager to recognize and admit the problem. These questions may help.

    Do you sometimes look forward to drinking when you should be doing something else?

    When you are drinking, do you drink as much as you can as quickly as possible?

    Do you ever end up drinking more than you or others think you should? (A yes answer to this question indicates a 90 per cent likelihood of a drinking problem}.

    Do you ever drink alone not necessarily physically alone. Friends may be present but not involved with the drinker?

    Do you try to protect your supply of alcohol in order to make sure you’re not short when you need it?

    When you’re upset or sad, do you ever think, “If I could just have a drink more than you used to while remaining remarkably functional?

    Do you ever have trouble remembering things you did or said while drinking?

    Moving on if the young person answers “yes” to four or more of the above questions. It is likely that he or she has a drinking problem. On the other hand, if the teenager refuses to answer honestly or is resistant, offer calm but consistent evidence, sticking as much as possible to a non-threatening questioning style. Then present specific instances to the teenager rather than general accusations.

    Be a good role model. Consider how your use of alcohol may influence your child. You may want to consider offering or buying only non- alcoholic beverages at home once you notice that your number of bottles keeps decreasing in the fridge. Educate yourself about alcohol, so you can be a better teacher to your child. Read and collect information that you can share with your child and others, even when they have not started tasting alcohol.

    Try to be conscious of how you can help build your child’s self -esteem. For instance, children are more likely to feel good about themselves, if you emphasize on their strengths. Teach your child different approaches to tackle how to deal with offers of alcohol. Teach your child to ask questions. Once an unknown substance is offered, he/she should ask “what is it”, “where did you get it?” Remind your child to always leave a place once he or she feels uncomfortable. Encourage them to say “no thanks” if he/she is offered alcoholic drink.

    Teach them never to accept a ride from someone who has been drinking. As parents/guardians, we should not be judgmental once we notice that a child is going through this challenge, but rather we should offer help. Some might need medical attention as the case might be. Under no circumstances should you let an alcoholic try to overcome his or her alcoholism without considerable and professional help.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Shattered dreams (2)

    LOOKING back now in view of what occurred later, I should not have taken everything Cyndi told me at face value. But you see, I loved this lady so much and trusted and believed in her. I was madly, blindly in love and it blinded me to her faults and shortcomings.

    Anyway, as the saying goes, experience is the best teacher. Whatever happens to a man is for his own good because if he is wise, he will learn from his mistakes and make better choices  in life. To get back to my story, our wedding plans went on as scheduled with little hitches here and there. My mother, in her eagerness to put up a great, ‘show- stopping ceremony’ as she called it, handled most of the arrangements herself. She even took Cyndi to the U.K to shop for her wedding gown and other items women love to buy.

    My mother really tried. “You are my only son; if I don’t do this for you, who will?” she would say whenever I pleaded with her to reduce the scale of the wedding. As for my father, you know how men are when they are married to women like my mother who like to have their way most of the time. For the sake of peace, he allows her get away with a lot of things other men would not tolerate.

    “Why do you think our marriage has lasted all this while; this year will be our 41st wedding anniversary. One of us had to be deaf and dumb to make it work. Unfortunately, I your father had to play that role,” he said with a wry smile one evening while we were having drinks at the gazebo in the garden of our house. I knew what he meant. My father is the calm, cool-headed type who hardly shouts. Unlike my mother who is more of a drama queen- loud, blunt and argumentative.

    “I’m not sure I’m ready to do all that, be a fool or a deaf-mute just for my marriage to work,” I stated.

    My Dad just laughed and said:

    “My son, you will soon join the institution. You will understand what I’m saying when you get in. I wish you luck!” He raised his glass of brandy and made a toast to my future happiness with my bride…

     

    ***

    “Honey, I think you need to talk to my Dad o! He’s still insisting that my Mum can’t be at our wedding,” Cyndi stated one day. We were at her small apartment and had just finished eating the meal her young cousin, Gloria, a student on holiday had prepared.

    “I thought that issue had been sorted out,” I said, picking up the remote to change the channel to a sports channel where a premier league game was showing. Due their age-long quarrel and differences, Cyndi’s parents even after so many years had gone by, could not stand each other. Her Dad in particular, hated his ex-wife so much, he could not bear to mention her name.

    “I believed so as well especially after my uncle, Gloria’s Dad had spoken to him. Then, yesterday, when we spoke on the phone, he said he was no longer coming as he did not want to be in the same room as ‘that woman’ as he calls my Mum,” she said, a deep frown marring her smooth face.

    I drew her to me and stated reassuringly:

    “Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. I’m sure he will change his mind.”

    “He had better o! Or does he want me to go and ‘rent’ a father at Oshodi who will walk me down the aisle?” she grumbled. Gloria, who was sitting nearby on an armchair, laughed.

    “You find it funny, abi? Wait till your own turn comes and your Dad threatens to boycott your wedding and you will see how funny it is!” Cyndi said, hissing.

     

    Bachelor’s eve

    Reggie, who was to be one of my groomsmen and other friends of mine decided to organize a bachelor’s eve party for me. The venue was a new niteclub that was the newest hangout for many of the city’s silver spoon kids.

    “Must you go? It’s not compulsory to have a bachelor’s eve, you know,” said Cyndi a day before the party which was a week before our wedding day.

    I laughed and said:

    “Jealousy! Are you scared I will go off with one of the hot babes that will be there?”

    “Just try it! I have my spies so don’t try any silly games o! You guys are always up to no good at such parties,” Cyndi stated vehemently.

    “Baby, your fears are misplaced. You know there’s no one but you for me. Now and forever,” I vowed, hugging her tightly to me. She smiled then and began to talk about the hairstyle and make up she planned to do for her big day…

    The party went well and everyone was having a nice time. Then, just before the high point of the night when my friends were to ‘wash’ my head with drinks, someone hailed me. I turned and saw it was Dr Rogers, an old school mate of mine in secondary school.

    It looked as if he had just arrived as I had not seen him earlier.

    “Jeff, my guy! So you are leaving us behind in the bachelors’ club!” he said jokingly as he gave me a bear hug. I laughed, and punching him playfully on the chest, said:

    “Yes o, my brother. I’m getting old, you know. Time one settled down. I think you should do the same soon; find a nice girl and quit this your womanising!”

    He laughed then said: “Remind me to do that in five years time! Anyway, congrats! I should say double congratulations because of the baby as well.” Then he turned to talk to a mutual friend that just came up.

    The music inside the venue was loud and thumping so I thought my ears were deceiving me when Rogers said something about a baby. What baby was he talking about, I wondered. Later, on noticing he was alone, I grabbed his hand and dragged him outside where it was less noisy.

    “Guy, what’s up. We should be inside having fun not hanging outside,” Rogers protested.

    “Chill, this won’t take long. What did you mean about a baby while we were talking inside or were you drunk?” I said.

    “I might have taken a few beers but I’m not drunk yet. Unlike you, I have a large capacity for alcohol. Anyway, is that why you dragged me here. Don’t tell me you did not know your bride-to-be is pregnant?” he said.

    Pregnant? Cyndi? Was this a joke or what? I stood, gazing at him in the dim light, too shocked for words. Then I finally spoke.

    “Rogers, if this is a joke, it’s not funny. Tell me this is not true!”

    “Why would I joke with something like that? My colleague Charles, was the one who attended to her when she came to our hospital, I think she said she had fever or something. That was about a week ago. Anyway, I overheard him discussing it with someone in his office. It’s no secret. How come you are acting so shocked! You guys are getting married in a week’s time so what’s the big deal if she’s pregnant. The pregnancy is still young, so it won’t even show in her wedding gown if that’s what you are worried about. Besides, these days, cases of pregnant brides are quite common. Some are even rushed from the wedding reception to the delivery room to give birth. As a doctor, I have seen a lot in my career. So, guy, cheer up and lets go catch some fun!” said Rogers, patting me on the shoulder.

    But I flung his hand away and almost shouted at him:

    “How can you stand there and tell me to go have fun when my world, my life is crumbling in front of me!”

    “How! What are you talking about?” Rogers queried in a worried tone.

    “You don’t understand. If truly Cyndi is pregnant as your colleague says, then I can’t be responsible,” I said grimly.

    He shook his head.

    “You are right, I don’t understand. Why won’t you be the one responsible. You have been dating for a year or so now. Don’t tell me…” he began to say then stopped.

    “Yes. I have never touched Cyndi in that way since we have been together. We have never been intimate…” I told him.

    “Then, who, how come…” he said in a confused manner…

     

    To be continued next week

     

    So, who is responsible for Cyndi’s pregnancy? The mystery will be revealed next Saturday so book your copy of your favourite Nation on Saturday now!

    Send comments/suggestions to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of the narrator and other individuals in the story.

  • Harmful effects of alcohol on teenagers

    DEAR Harriet, I am a teenager. My initial adventure of stealing a bottle of beer is gradually becoming a habit which I don’t like.  Please, explain my situation to me better. May be, it will aid me to put an end to it.

    Name withheld,

    Port Harcourt.

     

    It starts, of course, with experimentation. Some young ones try things like alcohol, cigarettes or, even drugs, for several reasons.  Many teenagers, after such experimentation, find their curiosity satisfied and thereafter abstain from alcohol.

    Others, however, continue to drink, sharing a few bottles when they are out on events or sneaking a few swigs from the bottle of wine in the refrigerator. Some of them become problem drinkers, occasionally drinking to get drunk, perhaps even driving while intoxicated. Still, others succumb to alcoholism.

    It is very important to know the causes of alcohol use and abuse. Complex problems rarely have simple causes and alcoholism is a complex problem. Mental health and health care professionals differ as to the primary causes of alcoholism, but the following are generally acknowledged as factors;

    Physiology: Many studies support the view that alcoholism springs from a physiological source. That is, some people possess an inborn predisposition towards alcoholism. This predisposition may never be discovered in people who never experiment with alcohol, but for physiological reasons, those who do will experience a different reaction to alcohol than many of their friends.

    Background: Teens with family members who have problems with alcohol or other drugs are more likely to have serious substance abuse problems. Also, teens who feel that they are not connected to or valued by their parents are at greater risk. Teens with poor self-esteem or emotional or mental health problems, such as  depression, also are at increased risk.

    In addition, three factors that can affect the likelihood of alcoholism are as follows: Parental models, parental attitude and cultural expectations.

    Parent models: Children look up to their parents, so how parents behave often influences the subsequent attitude of children. When parents drink excessively or abuse drugs, children sometimes vow to completely abstain. More often, however, they follow the parental example. It has been estimated that “without intervention, 40 to 60 per cent of children of alcoholic parents become alcoholic themselves.”

    Parental attitude: Parental permissiveness and parental rejection can both stimulate chemical use and abuse. When parents don’t care whether or not the children drink, there is no concern about the dangers of drugs or alcohol and misuse often follows.

    Culture expectations: If a culture or subcultural group has clear guidelines about the use of alcohol or drugs, abuse is less likely. In some cultures, young people are allowed to drink not to get drunk, while to  some, getting ”high” is the in thing to do. Conditions set up which lead many to alcohol abuse.

    Among other factors are outside forces, such as a dysfunctional family environment, peer pressure and stress without becoming alcoholics.

    Furthermore, the effects of alcohol use and abuse are also very vital. They should not be overlooked. Many people assume they know the effects of alcoholism, so they really don’t need somebody telling them. Such an assumption, however, is not only incomplete, it is incorrect. A drunken person is not always an alcoholic and some alcoholics are seldom visibly drunk. There are, however, some effects of alcoholism that can generally apply.

    Anguish: Alcoholics frequently experience a combination of physical and mental pain that can only be characterized as anguish. The alcoholic wonders if he or she is going crazy, fearing that he or she has lost control or will soon. The alcoholic becomes intensely frustrated about his life. Some have all sort of stuff going through their minds and they say different things as well. Some hate life as if they are being punished by God. It is a whole lot. Steve Arterburn, the author of “Growing up Addicted”, says: “It is as if a big black cloud of everything negative and unpleasant about life is hovering over the alcoholic”

    Another effect is confusion and disorientation. The alcoholic will experience a variety of mental effects. An intelligent student, for example, may find it difficult or impossible to focus his or her mind. They may routinely forget names, dates, details and appointments. He or she may even experience occasional blackouts. A blackout is not to be confused with passing out. It is a state in which a person who appears to be functioning consciously and normally cannot later recall anything that happened during the blackout period. The blackout is considered by many experts to be a primary indicator of alcoholism.

    More so is the issue of losing control. This aspect can be characterised as the ability to predict the drinking behaviour once drinking has begun. It doesn’t mean that a person can’t stop drinking for two or three weeks. When the drinking does begin, the desired two drinks become the uncontrollable five. Victims find it very hard to control their emotions as well. The alcoholic may find himself or herself breaking into tears or uproarious laughter at inappropriate times, for example. Some can find themselves getting involved in some acts that under normal circumstances will not participate.

    To be continued.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Don’t be infatuated with that guy

    Don’t be infatuated with that guy

    This lady has come with her stories again? Yes! I have to always tell some of these stories for different reasons.

    I am going to share this true life story with you because it is a combination of two things: a lesson and a piece of advice to all the relationship seekers via online or any other social media platform. Caution should be your watch word.

    Whatever happens to you is not the business of the medium where you got the contact from. They can’t be liable for what follows. So dear sisters, be warned! Are we clear on that?

    Now, the story. I got this email on Saturday afternoon from a troubled reader. The beep of my Blackberry alerted me to a new message. I opened the mail and the content got me shocked. After reading the mail, I was so peeved I was tempted to call the guy in question and tongue-lash him for misusing an online platform to put someone through such emotional trauma. But I had to hold one and talk to you guys (my readers), first. It is a story you should all read.

    * * * * * *

    Dear Chichi,

    I am a regular reader of a newspaper (name withheld). I met this handsome guy on  their love link classified page. His name is Moses. He’s 27 years.  He lives at Iyana-Iba, Ojo, Lagos.

    Though he looks younger than his age, he is very sexy and romantic. This guy also sings. He’s funny, he’s sweet and fresh. His number is 07037396***. Chichi, I have met some guys, but I must confess this one is different. He is just a totally different guy.

    This was how we met. I saw his number and called him. He asked me to meet him in a hotel at the Iyana-Ipaja area. After spending some minutes talking and getting to know each other a little, he ordered for some drinks and paid for a room in the hotel. After drinking, he gently slid his fingers in my newly-made hair caressing it.

    Then, he started to whisper into my ears and sucking them, down to my neck. Before he got to my tits, I was very wet. He carried me up and put me on the bed. Then to my surprise, he got up and went out.

    When he went out, I never knew what he went to get.  But to my utmost surprise, he came back with ice-cream and ice-cubes from the bar in the hotel.

    He poured the ice cream all over my body, while the cube was in his mouth and he was kissing me with it, from my breast to all parts of my body – my ears, my ribs, my navel and finally my G-spot.

    And everywhere under me. He was practically eating and sucking me for almost 40 minutes. I was in cold heaven.  Chichi, I know you know what I mean, with ice-cube on your vagina! In fact, I had no choice than to spend the night with him. We had sex all night. It was up to 15 rounds and we never got tired.

    It was a very crazy and naughty night.

    It wasn’t my fault that I fell easily for him. I was carried away. Anyway, he is the kind of guy every girl would want to spend her life time with.

    When I got home the next day, I couldn’t stop thinking of him. The imagination of being with him, his thoughts filled my soul. So the next day I called him and he suggested we meet again.

    That same day, we made mad love, but after some rounds his face changed, and I asked what the problem could be. At that point, he brought out the exact copy of the paper where I got his contact from. He asked me to look once again at his request from E-Love link. It says he’s looking for a sugar mummy. “I am not looking for a girlfriend who I go dey spend on because I no get the money and time,” he told me bluntly.

    He said he thought I was from a rich and influential family, but he was disappointed to notice otherwise. He insisted he was searching for a mature, rich girl or lady who can possibly help him with a job and some real cash. Having said that, he walked out, leaving me in that hotel room. Since then, anytime I call his phone, he ignores my call.  I tried using other numbers; the moment he heard my voice, he ended the call.

    He told me he is a graduate and that he finished his youth service last year. All I need is for him to see me again. I wouldn’t mind if it is just once, even if it is for one minute.  We met just two weeks ago. He left me on Wednesday. For how long am I going to suffer this emotional feeling? He really swept me off my feet. Even, as I am typing this mail, I am wet from just thinking about him. Chichi, I beg you, help me out. I am having sleepless nights over this guy. Help me to mail, call or text him.

    Dear readers, I will be glad if you can advise Linda on what to do about her situation. I have informed her to expect a solution to her problem in our next publication.

  • Why parents should not overprotect their kids

    Dear Harriet, I am so worried about my children. I feel they are only safe when I am around them. What is the effect of overprotection on children. How does it affect their personality development?  Please, I need to know.

    Mrs Nkechi D., Port Harcourt.

     

    In most cases, overprotective parents assume that they are doing their children a lot of good by keeping them safe without noticing that this parenting style has severe effects on their children, such as robbing them the essential life skills that they need in order to have a healthy personality and to face life problems.  One of the main tasks of parenting is to encourage enough confidence and capabilities in a child to equip him or her to leave home and function independently of mum and dad when he or she reaches adulthood, but over protectiveness is a hesitation or inability to do that.

    However, it is often hard to determine the exact dimension of over protectiveness anyway. Several ways this can be shown are as follows:

    •Parents who will not allow their children out of their sight, except at school and perhaps at church or mosque.

    •Parents who find it hard to allow teens to grow, relate to their teenagers very similarly to the way they relate to their eight-year old or toddler for instance.

    •Parents who  screen or monitor their  teenagers’ phone calls

    •Parents who consistently refuse permission for teenagers to do things considered age appropriate by other reasonable parents.

    •Parent who exhibit a determination to protect the child from  harm.

    •Parents who offer oversight of even the smallest details in the teen’s life.

    •Parents whose rules are rigid and are equally non-negotiable.

    •Parents who seem to have difficulty trusting the young person.

    The above, however, are highly subjective measurements of overprotectiveness. The most reasonable parents, for instance, will sometimes refuse permission for his son or daughter to do things that other reasonable parents consider appropriate. Generally speaking, however, the above tendencies are typical of overprotective parents.  Notwithstanding, there are different reasons parents react in an overprotective manner. Such action may be founded upon one or more of the following causes.

    Fear: It is a common factor among overprotective parents. Today’s world is a frightening place in which to raise children. Many parents worry about their children’s vulnerability to the dangers they see featured on the news. Over protective parents are sometimes fearful to an irrational degree. Don’t get me wrong.  A certain amount of fear for children’s safety is normal and healthy, but allowing exaggerated fears to prevent youth from engaging in the normal activities of their peers can be harmful.

    Sibling’s rebellious behaviour: Overprotectiveness may also be as a result of failure with an older child. For example, Kate gave her parents every reason to trust her and allow her to attend night parties with her school friends because her older sister’s first experience with smoking and drinking took place at night parties. Kate’s parents refused to allow her to attend similar parties. For fear that Kate would follow in her sister’s footsteps. Jane is not the same sort of person her sister is, but she nonetheless had to pay for her sibling’s action.

    Parents’ past: If one or both parents were rebellious in their childhood or adolescence, they may respond by determining that they will prevent their child from making similar choices. Parenting styles are typically a reflection of or a reaction to the way we were raised.

    The child’s misbehaviour or shortcoming: If a parent views a child as immature, incapable, or limited by physical, mental, or developmental challenge, he may respond by becoming overly protective. Indeed, at some levels, there is a need to protect such a child. However, an overprotective parent will usually resort to counterproductive control and manipulation rather than healthy support and encouragement based on an understanding of the child’s potential to develop and mature. Extra parental precautions may indeed be required for certain children, but there must still be a balance between ensuring safety and allowing our children to try new things and develop new capabilities.

    Lack of relationship: Many parents try to lay down rules without first establishing a real relationship with their children. Mum and dad may see their parental role as primarily that of a judge or a police officer, they focus on rules and may measure how well they are doing by how many rules they have established and how well the children adhere to those rules. Such  parents not knowing how to form and nurture a real relationship may rely on the good behaviour of a child to bolster the parent’s own relationship needs a poor and unfulfilling substitute of course.

    Parental loss or emotional needs: Sometimes mothers, for example, who feel unfulfilled in their relationships with spouses will divert their pain by focusing obsessively on their child or children. (This can also be true of fathers though that is less common). Some parents become overprotective in an effort to fill their own emotional needs. They are afraid that if they lose the child, their own love needs will be unmet. They may also believe that they are protecting the child from a father’s or mother’s lack of involvement.

    Moreover, the effect of overprotection is that it sends an unconscious message to the child, telling him or her that the world is not a safe place. This can also affect a child’s self-esteem as a result of preventing the child from taking charge he or she starts to think that he is not capable of facing life on his or her own and so the self-esteem will start to deteriorate, if not properly handle. In addition, the child will not attend new things that he or she is not familiar because it will appear unsafe to him or her. Anger, depression and rebellion are also another effects of overprotection.

    Others are emotional withdrawal, increase in dependency, eating disorder and panic disorder. As parents, as we guide our children through the right path of life, we should let them make their mistakes as children and learn from them. They need the opportunity to develop the tough skin that will get them through adulthood. For a child to be self confident, trustworthy, we need to allow them solve certain problems on their own. Discuss issues with them, but still allow them to think on their own. Let them explore themselves, for example, writing home work for a child is not helping the child in anyway.  They should be allowed to figure out issues themselves, knowing their strengths and weaknesses. Finally, it is good to care, love our children, but also let them explore the world, while keeping an eye on them.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Fear that magnetic power of ex (2)

    JULIE and her lover were so entangled in the coast of adultery. It went on for so long. If they were later caught, I wasn’t privileged to the full gist. But even if they were caught, your guess would be definitely as good as mine.

    But I keep asking myself, in such situation, who is to be blamed for the calamity that befall Julie’s life and marriage.

    It is no secret that some husbands who genuinely wished to be faithful to their wives, have fallen into the web of ladies who would not allow them to rest. There are ladies who are determined to dismantle a guy’s moral and assist him to throw his marriage vows into the trash can likewise the married women too.

    I feel for such men! Believe me, if a determined daughter of Eve wants to sexually “fall” a guy, it’s only a matter of time. But there are men who a lady only has to give a friendly smile and the little man in their trousers will automatically rise and start nodding, saying,” Hey sister, I’m willing, ready and able!” A simple case of different perception.

    Apologies for digressing, but sometimes I am forced to ask if there could be any form of platonic relationship between a guy and girl who have once dated and shared loads of intimacy. What are the chances that they would resolve their personal and private differences, then become friends again.

    Even if they both pretend to be fine and good to roll on a neutral affair, what would be the facial and inner reactions of any of the parties, especially the lady, if she beholds the face of the new chic her ex is firing behind closed doors.

    We, (I mean those who have been fortunate or unfortunate to have left or bowed out of one relationship to another), can’t deny the fact that whenever they see their ex with his new girl, a sudden feeling of guilt and jealousy would unconsciously envelop your whole body. Then crazy thoughts would start running through your mind.

    You keep picturing those positions you enjoyed more  and imagining how his new catch will position, while he drives in and out of her. The way he kissed, his soft touch, his moans and groans when you gave it to him the best way he wanted it.

    With such sexual vibe flowing in outside of you, if given any slightest opportunity, the lady wouldn’t mind jumping back to bed with her supposed ex.

    Some ladies wouldn’t want to let go of such who gives it  and hits it at the right spot. Inasmuch as they would be in another relationship based on the love, affection and financial assistance the guy has to offer, they would always run back to the ones that service their oil blocks properly.

    No matter the situation or the circumstances that led to the dissolution of the marriage or relationship, it is always hard to let go, especially if the couple in question has spent years of intimacy, while their two sexual organs would have become so familiar with each other because of constant visits.

    I have always told people that it’s never a crime to lust after or fanaticise  about a guy/babe that is not your legal spouse. It becomes a crime when you give in to that itch.

    A close friend of mine just jilted her lover who was co-incidentally a colleague in the same office with me based on individual differences. She still loves the guy, but hates that she does. You can tell from the way she talks about him and the smile on her face. Ha! That thing called love!

    She came to me that day with a gloomy face. If you see her look;  it was like two-day old fufu that has gone so bad. When I first saw the distressed and miserable look on her face, my heart skipped a beat. Then she confessed that she still can’t wave the thoughts of her sex off her mind, especially now that he has this hot, slim and set-to-kill chic, hanging around him.

    Whenever he’s near, her breathing usually becomes erratic, spirit of shyness will possess her body and she gets all fidgety like a teenager who was about making love for the first time.

    So why the heck did you break up with him when you’re still having this urge to be laid by same guy? I queried, hoping to have a follow-up question from her answer, but she gave me a dirty look. She apparently expected me to have an answer to my question.

    She gave me that long look that said, “You ought to have your head examined”. Yeah, so what else is new? My friends know and appreciate the fact that Chichi don kolo! Am so inquisitive, not minding who’s ox is been gored.

    She whispered to me in a low voice, “Chi, I am into another relationship now. Yet I keep imagining making love to this guy like never before. It’s embarrassing to say the least! I have taken a decision. I will start avoiding him before I do something I might regret. One day I moaned his name when my new man was on me. I was saved that day because the music in the room was a bit loud”

    I wanted to laugh out right, but I didn’t want to make a mockery of a situation she obviously found distressing. Life could be very funny.

  • Dealing with sibling rivalry (2)

    IN continuation of my article of last week, we will be looking at how to solve sibling rivalry. In most cases, it is natural for sisters and brothers to quarrel  although it is not pleasant for people in the house when this happens because a family can only tolerate a certain amount of conflict. The big question is how do we solve this problem of sibling rivalry?

    When your children start fighting, if possible, try not to get involved. Only step in if there is a danger of physical harm. If you always intervene, you stand the risk of creating other problems. On the other hand, your children will start expecting you to come to their rescue every time they have problems among themselves instead of them learning to work out their differences on their own. You might be passing the wrong signal to your children that one child is always being protected which could foster even more resentment. In addition, the rescued child may start feeling that he/she can get away with anything. Even then, encourage your children to settle their problems themselves. In case, you have to step in, try to resolve problems with your children not for them.

    More so, here are some useful tips to guide parents when getting involved. In  a fighting situation, for example, separate them and tell them to go and calm down. Don’t ask questions at the heat of the situation; wait until they are calm enough to talk, otherwise the fight can escalate again. To make the whole scenario a learning experience, you have to wait until the emotion has died down. In the process of getting involved, don’t put too much attention on finding out who is at fault. Remember it takes two to start a fight, so any one involved in a fight is partly responsible. Next, try to set up a win win situation so that each child gains something. If they are fighting for the same toy, give them a game that both can play together instead. As children learn to manage differences among their siblings, they are also learning an important skill that will help them in life, for example, to know how to value another person’s perspective, how to negotiate and compromise and then how to control temper.

    Furthermore, there are certain steps parents should take to help children avoid fighting and so on. These steps are: setting boundaries- children should be fully informed about what behaviour is acceptable, especially when it comes to dealing with siblings. Tell them there should be no name calling, no fighting, no cursing, no yelling, and no playing with doors or door slamming. Also emphasise  the consequences when they break the rules. This teaches children that they are responsible for their own actions regardless of the situation. Parents, in handling sibling rivalry, should discourage the attitude of who is wrong and who is right. In addition, no child should make you think that everything always has to be fair and equal. In some cases, a particular child might need more attention than the other due to some circumstances.

    If your children are always struggling with things like TV remote, video games, and so on, post a schedule showing which child should have the item at what particular time of the day, but if they keep fighting over it , then don’t hesitate to take the item from them completely.

    Another step to take is the reward system. Parents should encourage the child who reports to an adult instead of engaging in a fight with his or her sibling. Consider establishing a programme where your children earn points towards a fun family oriented activity when they work together to stop battling.

    To handle the issue of sibling rivalry, younger teenagers should have their own space which should be respected. They should have time to do their own things and play with their own friends without their siblings tagging along. Sometimes they should be allowed to enjoy activities all by themselves without sharing.

    Spending quality time with your family is also an important aspect of solving sibling rivalry. Enjoying special moments with children creates a bond among siblings. It could be watching a movie at home or playing outside or doing things. You are establishing a peaceful way for your children to spend time together and relate to one another. Therefore, helping them to ease tensions and getting you involved as a parent or guardian.

    Another way of tackling sibling rivalry is: never compare children with one another. The case of why can’t you be like your brother or sister must not be said because it can lead to jealousy which is one of the factors of sibling rivalry. Note there is no way children are going to have easy relationship if jealousies and rivalries are permitted to exist between them. As parents or guardians, don’t give the impression that one child is better than the other in certain areas. Let your children understand that they are gifted and unique in their own ways, so show love, care and appreciation to them at all times.

    Every child wants to be loved and appreciated by their parents.

    Don’t have a favourite child. Having a favourite child is wrong. Some people will say to you that it’s not bad to have one or that it is impossible not to have a favourite child among your children. Under no circumstances should you admit to your children that you have a favourite, not even by words or actions. You must love your children equally.

    Teach your children tolerance. Today children interact with people of different cultures, religions and tribes in school and outside school. Charity, they say, begins at home, so we must teach our children how to accommodate different personalities, starting from their siblings to others. As parents or guardians, we should know that we are our children’s role models.  So for us to teach tolerance in every form to our children, they must see through us. As a result, parents who show tolerance in their everyday lives are actually sending a powerful message and in return their children learn to appreciate differences and they respect others.

    Finally seek professional help for sibling rivalry, if it is so severe that it is leading to marital problems, or creating a real danger of physical harm or wellbeing to any family member and so on.

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • The accident (4)

    The accident (4)

    THE trip to Ghana was supposed to last for a week but due to an unforeseen situation, we had to stay an extra one week. The organization had a guest house in one of the housing estates in Accra and that’s where Flora and I stayed. We were very busy most days as we had to visit several locations where my outfit had ongoing projects in some suburbs of the city like Osu and Jamestown and even some communities many miles from the city.

    Then a few days before our return home and with most of the work done, I took some time off so Flora could do some sight seeing as it was her first visit to the country. She had worked really hard and I believed she deserved a treat.

    We visited several tourists sites including the popular Kwame Nkrumah Mausoleum. A wedding reception was taking place in the spacious garden of the centre when we arrived. Inside the mausoleum, we stood silently surveying the final resting place of the late Ghanaian leader. Close by was the grave of his Egyptian wife who the guide informed us had directed her children to bury her close to her husband after her death.

    “Her body was brought from Egypt and buried here according to her wish,” the guide explained.

    “Their love must have been really strong that even death could not separate them,” Flora commented as we went outside towards the fountain…

    The following day Ronnie Blankson, a very good Ghanaian friend of mine called to invite me to join a group of friends that were visiting a beach resort on the outskirts of the city that weekend.

    “I won’t take no for an answer. Most times you come to Accra, do your work and run back to that mad Lagos city of yours. You need to take a break, man, learn to relax from all your hard work,” he stated.

    “Alright,” I conceded, not in the mood to argue with him. “When are we leaving?”

    “Around 10. I’ll come and pick you,” he said. “And Bari,” he added before hanging up. “Make sure you come with that sexy secretary of yours. I want to see her again.”

    “See her for what? And she’s my P.A, by the way,” I corrected him. He had met Flora the couple of times he had come to visit me at the guest house.

    “Whatever. I like her and I want to be close to her,” he stated.

    To a chronic womanizer like Ronnie, that meant one thing and I put my feet down.

    “No way, dude! She’s my staff, that makes her off-limits to you. Look elsewhere for your fun and games,” I stated firmly. Whenever, he saw a beautiful lady that he liked, Ronnie, who at 33 was the same age as me, often behaved like a child in a toy shop instead of a grown man.

    “Thank God, you said staff and not your wife. So, why are you fencing me off? Or are you interested in her? Are you two…?” he said before I cut him off.

    “Nothing of the sort. It’s just that, that girl has been through a lot and I don’t want her to be hurt again,” I explained.

    “Who’s going to hurt her? Not me! Infact, I think she will enjoy what I have in mind for her,” he stated with a chuckle.

    “Ronnie! You will never change!” I stated in an admonishing tone.

    “You know me now! Alright. I get the message- no messing around with your precious P.A. Just come with her, though. I will just chat with her, be on my best behaviour…” he vowed.

    I laughed and hung up.

    Ronnie’s friends were already there when we arrived at the resort that Saturday. It was built close to the oceanfront with a beach nearby. It was a popular spot for holiday makers, weekend revellers and foreign tourists. Several of these were already at the beach when we got there.

    “Aren’t you joining us in the water?” Ronnie asked Flora who had gone to sit under a canopy with the girlfriend of a guy in our group.

    “No. I didn’t come with a swim suit,” she stated.

    “That shouldn’t be a problem. I can always go back to town and get one for you,” he offered.

    She gave him one of her radiant smiles.

    “Thanks for the offer. But I’m fine. I will just sit here with Efua and watch you guys have fun,” she stated.

    “Ah, you’ll miss a lot. Let me…” said Ronnie.

    “She said she’s ok so let’s go,” I said, taking his hand and dragging him towards the sea.

    “Hey, man! Take it easy! Na which kind bad belle be this as you people love to say in Nigeria…” Ronnie protested, running to join his friends in the water.

    After the swim, we played a game of beach volleyball which was keenly watched by a large number of the resort guests.

    We later had lunch after which we sat at the open-air bar under some coconut trees to drink and chat. Flora and the other ladies in our group had gone to the gift shop at the resort to ‘browse’ the items as Efua had put it.

    “Women and shopping! They never miss an opportunity to buy stuff,” said Ronnie, taking a sip of his cold drink.

    “And we always end up picking up the bills!” George, who was Efua’s boyfriend, grumbled.

    We all laughed.

    Moonlight rendezvous

    “Hope you are having fun,” I said to Flora later that evening. We were taking a stroll on the beach after watching a live band that performed at the resort regularly. Ronnie and the others were still there dancing and grooving.

    “Yes,” Flora replied as we walked along the nearly deserted beach. “I love this place. It’s beautiful. And it has such a soothing, calming effect on the mind,” she added.

    She was right. The soft sea breeze which gently rustled the coconut trees, the moonlight and the sound of the waves of the sea lapping at the shore, created an ambience that could soothe the most troubled soul.

    “It’s magical!” she noted enthusiastically, spreading her arms wide. I took a peek at her, noting how the soft moonlight playing on her face, added an extra glow to her radiant looks.

    “Oh!” she said suddenly, looking down on the sandy ground.

    “What is it?” I asked.

    “It’s like one of my bangles fell,” she stated.

    “I’ll look for it,” I said, bending down to search for the ornament. She did the same too and we ended up colliding into each other, falling down on the soft sand.

    “Oh! Sorry!” she said, laughing as she tried to get up.

    But I held her hand to stop her and drew her to me. I caressed her face as my lips slowly searched for hers. I kissed her and for a while, she was unresponsive. Then she sighed and kissed me back, holding me tightly in her arms. Her soft body, the sweet scent of her, got to my senses and I kissed her like a thirsty man who had finally found water on a hot day.

    I unbuttoned her blouse as my lips trailed down her neck towards her bosom. As my fingers reached inside her blouse, my mobile phone which was in my pocket rang. I ignored it at first but it kept ringing incessantly and it broke the spell.

    It was Ronnie, asking where we were and that a hot new artiste had arrived from Accra and we would miss his act if we didn’t hurry…

    A few days later, we returned to Nigeria. Life went on as usual but things were no longer the same. Before we left Accra, I had apologized to Flora about the incident on the beach, blaming it on the booze I had taken. She was quite understanding about it.

    “It’s not your fault. The ambience in that place is something else- it can turn any one’s head,” she stated quietly.

    Deep in my heart though, I knew that was not the case. My actions that day had nothing to do with where we were. She was the problem. It was clear to me now that I was in love with her and after that night on the beach, I just could not get her out of my mind or head. Remembering the sensation of holding her in my arms made me realize that that was where I wanted her to be now and forever. By my side. In other words, I wanted her for keeps.

    And there lay my dilemma. For by this time, I had already got engaged to Nikki and we were already planning our wedding. But how could I marry one woman while in love with another?

    “Dude, you have a serious problem,” my friend, Abel said bluntly, after I had discussed the matter with him.

    “You can say that again. I love Flora, yet engaged to Nikki,” I said.

    “But one thing is clear. You can’t go ahead with this wedding,” he noted.

    I looked at him askiance.

    He continued to speak. “Marriage is a serious affair. It’s not something you jump into when you are not sure like you are right now. Doing so can make you jump out quickly and end up divorced. You are obviously confused now. But let me give you a tip that will help you decide. Which of these women fills your heart with joy at the mere sight of her? Whoever it is, should be your choice.”

    I took his advice and my heart chose Flora. As a result, I intend meeting Nikki soon to call off the wedding. I know she will be hurt but I can no longer deceive myself. Much as I care about her, it’s Flora that I’m in love with. The woman I want to be with, to be part of my life. I don’t know yet what she feels for me but from her reaction to my caresses that night on the beach, it was obvious she liked me.

    I know my family might not be too happy with my decision to call off the wedding or my choice of Flora for that matter. They might have objections to her being a divorcee with two children. But she’s my choice, the one after my heart. For me, its Flora forever.

    And since I don’t care about her past, I don’t think it’s anyone’s business to do so. Or what do you think? I will like readers views on this. Thank you.

     

    Concluded

    Names have been changed to protect the narrator’s identity and other individuals in the story

    Send comments/advice to 08030822400 (sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • Fear that magnetic power of ex

    Fear that magnetic power of ex

    LOVE sometimes could be very complicating and unpredictable. One minute you presume you love your spouse dearly and can do anything to keep him or her forever locked in your bosom.

    The next, you are contemplating to quit and any flimsy excuse you lay your hands on at that moment would be the best opportunity to strike just to dabble into another relationship you might be considering the best for you at the moment.

    Little wonder, people seldom find themselves in a love triangle; a situation whereby they believe to be having same and equal feelings for two people at same time. And in such a complex situation, some may dump their former partner for the latest one, probably he maybe more flamboyant, cuter and possibly overgenerous in his spending. Who no like better thing? We all know the more money mentality running through the head of our present day Nigerian babes. It is such a shame that these days, for the love of money and for the greed to acquire more has led our young girls into committing all sorts of atrocities just to belong to the cliché.

    It is only our Nigerian babes that see it as a right for a guy to take care of them financially. Once a babe snags up a new guy, she starts thinking of changing everything right from her wardrobe down to her menstruation pad. Why must you see that prospective guy coming into your life as a meal ticket? If he truly loves you, you don’t need to tell or bug him to buy you this or that before he does. Caring and affection are the natural outgrowth of love. As for me, a guy may be as rich as Bill Gates or Mike Adenuga, if he doesn’t love me or I find it difficult to reciprocate the supposed love he confesses to have for me, then why would we be wasting our time when I knew it is making no headway.

    It is this attitude of seeing men as being responsible for the upkeep of a girl that makes a lot of ladies wait endlessly for Mr. Rich guy. Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that I detest money, but true relationship is not all about money or what the guy has to offer.

    And like oyibo people would say, all that glitter are not gold. And some greedy chics would easily opt out of their previous relationship to another based on the financial status of the new guy, only to discover after a while that they have been chasing after shadows. Because all the new catch has to offer is money and nothing more not even good action on the bed.

    After few weeks or probably months of boring sex life, they would start regretting jilting their former partner. Some would even be so carried away with the act of love making that they would keep moaning and groaning the name of their ex-partner, while the new guy is on top of the game. Have you ever been caught doing that? Hey! Be honest.

    Bad sex is as bad as sex starvation because they all boil down to same effect. If one had a bad sexual experience or keep having an unsatisfied encounter, it is as good as been sexually starved because the yearning for the real deal would still be haunting the fellow until get he or she gets it in full dose.

    Now let look at it this way: In a situation whereby you left your partner for another for minor reasons and at the end of the day, you felt so bitter and remorseful, wishing for a comeback.

    You keep fantasying about him and the memories of all the good times you shared keep tormenting you.

    Worse still, you could even get wet while lost in wild memories of the romantic and bedmatic experience you savoured with your ex.

    This was the case of Julie and Mike. The two were a pair when they were still  in secondary school. They were often regarded as inseparable couple in their set. You all know how the sweet and innocent feelings of secondary school love, so pure and fun-filled.

    One thing led to another and Julie was married off against her wish to a wealthy man who came from the city.

    Her mother was a widow, since she lost her husband many years ago. The poor woman has been striving hard to see her first daughter through the walls of a secondary school, then will marry her off.

    All Julie’s pleas for more time fell on deaf ears and before one could say Jack Robinson, she has already become someone’s “Mrs”.

    But based on the circumstances that led to her been sold out in marriage against her wish, she found it very difficult to forget about the soft touches of her first love.

    Three months gone and she paid a visit to her mother and siblings to know how they were coping. On her way back to the city, she ran into Mike bumper to bumper. The sensation and chemical reaction that went between them within that few seconds was so strong to ignore.

    They got talking and were gradually re-igniting the intense feeling of love between them. Julie on her part was lacking true sex. Because her husband hardly spares time for her sexually. He was so business-minded. And even with the little time they spent together in bed, the sexual rituals were not performed. He just jumped on her hurriedly, fired her the best way he knew how to and before two minutes he had finished and panting like someone who ran 5,000 metres marathon in the Olympics.

    For chief, sex was a ceremonial act meant only for procreation, but Julie was young, thus craved for more fun and attention.

    Her body and soul silently yearned for love, affection and good sex. Same quest led her back into the awaiting hands of Mike who knew his onions in bedroom instructions perfectly well.

    They were both caught in the web of adultery. Julie would lay her hands on any slightest excuse to visit her mum and at same time spent quality time indoors with her lover. To be continued next week.

  • Dealing with sibling rivalry

    Hello Harriet, I’m enjoying your column. Please, kindly explain to me why children figh., My house is like a battlefield and I am tired. I really don’t know what to do.

    Ted U.,  Edo State.

    Ted, what you are experiencing is sibling rivalry. Some children relate with their siblings very well with a bit of disagreement here and there.

    Some are always on each other’s throat. It is very common to see brothers and sisters quarrel and fight. As we go along, you will understand the reasons behind it and how to deal with the situation.

    Rivalry starts even before some children have siblings. They compete for everything from food to toys, even when they are alone. So when there is a second child, they start seeking attention and affection.

    What we should know is that as children attain different stages of development, their evolving needs can significantly affect how they relate to one another and this can be frustrating and upsetting for parents. Trouble between siblings can be traced to different issues like rivalry, strife or abuse.

    Rivalry can be seen as a spirit of competition or jealousy between siblings in a family. For example, once there is a shift of attention among siblings, there is bound to be rivalry. This can be devastating among siblings, while in some cases it can be advantageous with regards to good behaviour and achievement.

    A home where the older children are hardworking academically, the younger ones in return will want to follow their footsteps. Don’t forget that children naturally are very competitive; most of them want to be seen as the best, so they try very hard to be noticed and praised.

    To some extent, sibling rivalry is natural. Another problem of sibling rivalry is sibling strife.

    Strife: This can be destructive to a child. If a child sees that his or her parents pay more attention to  other siblings, it can lead to them showing nasty behaviour towards their loved one, so to express their feeling of neglect what most of them will do is to start teasing or ridiculing their sibling and this might affect the sibling in question emotionally.

    Moreover, sibling abuse is a problem of sibling rivalry as well. Relationship between siblings can sometimes degenerate into abusive behaviour and pattern by name calling, fighting, threats, destruction of personal possessions, hitting or inciting fear in the younger ones could be as a result of temperament or how some children  respond to situations.

    Some older children transfer their anger or hurt to their younger ones, especially when they are been blamed by their parents. So in order to regain their sense of power, they react in the above ways. With these problems we can see that sibling rivalry has to do with a lot of things to a certain extent.

    It is a common happening where there are children in the family setting seeking for attention and affection. One other cause is birth order. The first child gets all the affection and attention at the beginning because he or she is the only child. But the minute there are others, the equal share now comes to play. If not handled properly, it might lead to serious sibling rivalry.

    Jealousy can also lead to sibling rivalry. When parents start giving preferential treatment to one child over others (daddy’s girl or mummy’s boy), not that as parents they don’t love their other children. They certainly love them as well, but the fact that they pay a special attention to a particular child might make one or others jealous.

    Remember jealousy is not a new thing. It has been in existence right from time and this can lead to a lot of things, if not handled properly.

    Furthermore, unhealthy or unfavourable comparison can pose as a cause for sibling rivalry. Children are very sensitive about their matters of physical attractiveness and body characteristics.

    It is highly inflammatory to commend one child at the expense of another. Don’t forget children are very competitive. They are very sensitive to certain issues. Desire for attention cannot be overlook, while mentioning the causes of sibling rivalry. Some children create trouble with their siblings just to get attention from adults. It could be their parents or guardians. They want to be noticed at all times.

    Changing roles is another cause. As children start growing from one stage to another, their attitude changes. The teen body begins to mature, he or she starts to develop new interests. They may have more responsibilities at home. Some are more involved with their age friends. Such changes can have effect on their families. For example,  a little sister may feel neglected by her older sister  or big brother, moving to a boarding school. These changes can lead to sibling rivalry.

    Stress and frustration contribute to sibling rivalry. When a family is going through stress, it could be as a result of the position of their marriage, tension at home, parental abuse and an alcoholic parent. If not dealt with properly, it can actually affect the children. Some might start taking the frustration of the whole situation on the younger siblings.  In addition, selfishness and lack of sharing limited resources can lead to sibling rivalry.

    To be continuted

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj