The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • The torn veil (1)

    The first day I took my fiancé, Denis home to meet my parents, was supposed to be a happy occasion for the family. My parents had known about my relationship with him for sometime and had always wanted me to bring him home. But I had delayed their meeting him until I was really sure he was the right man for me.

    A few months ago, I finally took Dennis to meet them. As things turned out, it was one meeting that should never have taken place. Why? You might ask. Well, read my story and you will get the answer.

    ***

    Meeting Dennis

    I first met my fiancé at work. In fact, he was my supervisor and boss at the company I worked with when I newly joined. Initially, I was wary about him because of my experience with my former boss at the last place I worked. That man gave me a tough time all because I turned down his advances to date him. And this was a man that was married with seven children!

    Anyway, I should not have worried about Dennis. He treated me fairly, more like a younger sister than a boss. He was always giving advice both on the job and even in personal matters too like relationships. Maybe because I was the new girl in the office, a lot of the guys there wanted to date me. They kept pestering me for dates and would not give up even when I had no interest in them.

    “Don’t take them too seriously, Meg. That’s what they do whenever a new female staff comes. Especially a pretty one like you,” my boss advised me one day after observing one of my co-workers, a notorious womaniser giving me his ‘manifesto.’

    With time, I got to know more about my ‘oga’. Though of mature age, he was about 35, he was not married and seemed to have no fiancé. It was a colleague of mine who told me his story one afternoon during our lunch break.

    “He was engaged to be married about three years ago. But unfortunately, his fiancé died before the wedding,” Esther, my colleague revealed.

    “What happened?” I asked with interest.

    “Well, I heard she was sick. They said she had cancer, something to do with her blood or so,” she added.

    “What a pity,” I said shaking my head. I felt sorry for my boss for losing his woman so young.

    “Yes. He must have really loved her for since then, he has never been close to any woman again, whether in the office or outside,” she noted.

    She could be right. In the one year or so that I had known my boss, I had never seen any female visitor coming to see him at work.

    Sometime later, my boss was transferred to another department of the company. And that was when our relationship changed. From being just my boss, we became friends and grew closer than we were before.

    He started inviting me out for drinks and even took me out to dinner. It was while we were eating that he made a confession to me. He told me how he had been attracted to me while we were working together but could not do much about it back then.

    “Why?” I asked, feeling curiously thrilled at his words. The truth was that, I had had feelings for him for sometime too but had kept mum about the way I felt.

    He took a sip of water before he said:

    “I didn’t want anything to affect our working relationship. But you are no longer under me now. So…”

    From that day, we grew closer. With time, he took me to his home and I met some of his relations. Dennis and I were very compatible, despite the eight year age gap between us. We seemed to like the same things and had the same goals and dreams about life. As our relationship blossomed, I fell more deeply in love with him. He was my ideal man and in him I saw the man I wanted to be with always.

    He seemed to feel the same way too. About seven months after our relationship started, Dennis proposed to me. That day, we had gone to the cinema to watch a movie. It was on the way back that he stopped the car and asked me to marry him. I was so happy that I had flung my arms around him and said a loud, ‘Yes!’

    Before then, Dennis had been asking to meet my parents, to get to know my family members. But I had always told him to be patient, that when the time was right, he would get to meet them.

    A few days after we got engaged, I told my mum that I would be bringing him home.

    “Really? That’s good. I can’t wait to see the young man that has made my daughter look so happy!” she enthused.

    “Ah! Mum! I always look happy!” I stated.

    “But not like this. There’s a glow about you that was not there before. You must really love him,” she said.

    I nodded.

    “A lot, Mum. I can’t imagine what my life will be without him,” I said.

    “He must be really special. What does he look like? Is he handsome?” and she began bombarding me with questions about my fiancé.

    “Ah! Mum! Take it easy! You will get to meet him soon so don’t be so anxious!” I stated laughing.

    My Mum and I were very close. Maybe because I am the first child and only girl out of four children. Sometimes we were more like sisters than mother and daughter. Often, when we went out together, people often mistook us for siblings. We looked so much alike and my mum looked so young for her age. You see, she married quite early and had me when she was still very young, as a teenager in fact.

    I loved her so much and because of our closeness, there was nothing I didn’t tell her including details about my love life.

    The weekend that Dennis was to visit, was spent by my mum and I cooking and cleaning our home.

    “I want him to know he’s getting a wife who can cook, that he’s not getting a Mr Biggs wife!” she remarked as she stirred a sizzling pot of soup with an enticing aroma that pervaded the whole house.

    I laughed, full of joy and anticipation at the meeting of my beloved with my family…

     

    To be continued

     

    What happened when Dennis met Meg’s parents? Keep a date with us next Saturday!

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identities of the narrator and other individuals in the story.

     

    Send comments/suggestions to  psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • Tanya’s dilemma (3)

    I FELT worried about my mother’s condition, so I kept trying her number until I finally got through. It was my aunt who picked the call. She told me she was about to call me and informed me that my mother was in the hospital and wanted to see me.

    “She had an okada accident. She’s getting treatment at the hospital some good samaritans had taken her to. You need to come right away as she has been asking after you,” she said.

    Diane offered to accompany me so we took a cab and headed immediately to the hospital. I felt reassured after seeing she was alright apart. Apart from the injuries on her legs and other parts of her body, there was no major damage.

    Diane and I stayed with her for sometime before leaving. Teddy was waiting at the house when we got home. I told him we had gone to see a friend when he asked me where I had been.

    “I was about to come and look for you when your number was not going through,” he said as he hugged me on my arrival.

    “Sorry, darling. We were held up at our friend’s place. That girl loves to talk,” I stated before going into the kitchen to get him a drink.

    Later, we sat chatting in the parlour especially the plans for the coming weekend which included the wedding of a cousin of his.

    “I hope you are coming for Abe’s wedding this weekend. I want you to look really good as I will be introducing you to my parents and other family members at the occasion,” he said.

    “Sure I’ll be there. My friends too if your cousin won’t mind,” I told him. After Teddy had left, Diane said to me:

    “This your Teddy guy really likes you. Imagine, he’s already planning to introduce you to his parents. That means he could have serious plans for you, like marriage.”

    “Well, I don’t know about that. All I know is that Teddy loves me very much. He told me his last relationship ended badly over two years ago and he had sworn to stay off dating until he met me.”

    “So, you made him change his mind. Great! But Tanya, don’t you think it’s time you told him the truth about yourself?” she asked.

    I gave her a quizzical look.

    “What are you talking about?” I demanded.

    “Girl, you know now. The fake lifestyle, trying to be what we are not. He thinks you are from a rich home and your uncles are in possession of your late Dad’s money and properties. But you and I know it’s all lies,” she responded.

    “Why would I do such a stupid thing? Do you want me to lose him?” I queried sharply.

    “That won’t happen. If he really loves you, he will accept you the way you are, whether your father is a poor man or not. Poverty is not a crime afterall,” she noted.

    I shook my head.

    “You and I know that in this country, being poor means you are a nobody. And you know who Teddy’s parents are. His Dad was a former ambassador and a big time business man with lots of money. How will it look like if he brings home someone from my type of background as a fiancé? They will throw me out!” I said.

    “I think Diane is right,”put in Stephanie who had just stepped into the room. “What happens if you two get married and he finds out the truth later? Do you think he will be happy at being deceived by you?”

    “Well, when or if I get to that bridge, I will cross it,” I rejoined.

     

    ***

    Later, I thought deeply about my friends suggestion in regards to confessing to Teddy about my background. What if he no longer liked me after knowing the truth about me, I wondered. The thought of losing him filled me with dread. I just could not afford to let go of a guy like Teddy who is one in a million. On the other hand, what if Diane and Stephanie were right that it was better I was more open with him about my family situation than giving him a false image of myself? So, one one evening when he came to visit me at home, I said:

    “Teddy, there’s something I want to discuss with you.”

    “What is it, honey?” he stated.

    “The thing is, I…” I began to say.

     

    To be continued

     

    What next? Find out next Saturday!

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Tanya and other individuals in the story

     

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 0802320183, (sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

     

     

    I FELT worried about my mother’s condition, so I kept trying her number until I finally got through. It was my aunt who picked the call. She told me she was about to call me and informed me that my mother was in the hospital and wanted to see me.

    “She had an okada accident. She’s getting treatment at the hospital some good samaritans had taken her to. You need to come right away as she has been asking after you,” she said.

    Diane offered to accompany me so we took a cab and headed immediately to the hospital. I felt reassured after seeing she was alright apart. Apart from the injuries on her legs and other parts of her body, there was no major damage.

    Diane and I stayed with her for sometime before leaving. Teddy was waiting at the house when we got home. I told him we had gone to see a friend when he asked me where I had been.

    “I was about to come and look for you when your number was not going through,” he said as he hugged me on my arrival.

    “Sorry, darling. We were held up at our friend’s place. That girl loves to talk,” I stated before going into the kitchen to get him a drink.

    Later, we sat chatting in the parlour especially the plans for the coming weekend which included the wedding of a cousin of his.

    “I hope you are coming for Abe’s wedding this weekend. I want you to look really good as I will be introducing you to my parents and other family members at the occasion,” he said.

    “Sure I’ll be there. My friends too if your cousin won’t mind,” I told him. After Teddy had left, Diane said to me:

    “This your Teddy guy really likes you. Imagine, he’s already planning to introduce you to his parents. That means he could have serious plans for you, like marriage.”

    “Well, I don’t know about that. All I know is that Teddy loves me very much. He told me his last relationship ended badly over two years ago and he had sworn to stay off dating until he met me.”

    “So, you made him change his mind. Great! But Tanya, don’t you think it’s time you told him the truth about yourself?” she asked.

    I gave her a quizzical look.

    “What are you talking about?” I demanded.

    “Girl, you know now. The fake lifestyle, trying to be what we are not. He thinks you are from a rich home and your uncles are in possession of your late Dad’s money and properties. But you and I know it’s all lies,” she responded.

    “Why would I do such a stupid thing? Do you want me to lose him?” I queried sharply.

    “That won’t happen. If he really loves you, he will accept you the way you are, whether your father is a poor man or not. Poverty is not a crime afterall,” she noted.

    I shook my head.

    “You and I know that in this country, being poor means you are a nobody. And you know who Teddy’s parents are. His Dad was a former ambassador and a big time business man with lots of money. How will it look like if he brings home someone from my type of background as a fiancé? They will throw me out!” I said.

     

  • Infidelity in marriage

    I FEEL betrayed: I just discovered that my spouse is unfaithful, and I feel really angry. I keep asking myself, why? Please Harriet, kindly explain my situation to me.

    Name withheld,

    Lekki, Lagos

     

    Infidelity or unfaithfulness is a huge feeling of betrayal. As painful as it may look, it will be nice to understand that infidelity is in various forms. Therefore, it will be nice to know the type of infidelity that your spouse committed. The solutions are different as well, depending on the type of infidelity. For easy understanding, infidelity has been classified into three groups. The first is the One Night Stand. It is just a one-off, no strain attached, no contact exchange, no intention of keeping a relationship with the person.

    The second is Sexual Addiction. It is like an illness. It is a situation where the person lacks self-control.

    The third is Entangled Affair. It is more emotional, intimate and long-lasting. As a matter of fact, knowing the type that your spouse is involved makes it easy to deal with. A person in your situation will like to know what led to the act of infidelity. Therefore, our next step is to provide you with all the necessary information for you to have a clear picture and again to understand that your feeling and reaction are expected.

     

    The big question is WHY? What are the reasons for this act of infidelity.

    An affair can happen in a good marriage as well as in a marriage with existing problems, although there is no justification for infidelity in marriage? In situation when spouse gives excuses for having an affair, it is simply a way to personally justify the behaviour and to feel more at ease with the decision to cheat. Mind you, it is a decision. Some, on the other hand, may not understand why they are unfaithful. It is very important to note that you are not to blame for your spouse’s decision to stray.

    We are human beings with free will to take decision on our own. Dealing with the issue of infidelity is incomplete, if we don’t mention some reasons or excuses people give for being unfaithful to their spouses.

    They are as follows: Lack of affection in both the husband and the wife: Some spouses claim that they feel neglected with little or no attention.

    Another reason is low self-esteem as a result of their spouses’ attitude towards them, for example, cursing and abusing.  Some claim lack of satisfaction physically or emotionally. An addiction to sex or romance is another reason. This is the need for more sex or sexual variety. Some feel that it is a better way to end an unhappy marriage or relationship, most especially in situation where they are living like roommates.

    Other reasons are fear of commitment, need for excitement, lack of stable role-model relationship when growing up, inability to resist advances from the opposite sex, making spouses jealous, deception, emotional intimacy and flirtation.

    Even though the Internet correspondents may not see face to face, some use it as a reason to be unfaithful to their spouses. Internet sex has become a great concern for many families. Lack of communication, peer pressure or home or office pressure and family expansion can also be responsible.

    Moreover, statements like : Men are polygamous by nature; variety is the spices of life; if my wife catches me she goes and if I catch her she goes; I need some space; you don’t listen to me; I can’t help myself; he/she doesn’t mean anything to me; it’s not the way you feel; I was charmed; she/he seduced me; I didn’t mean it;

    I was tempted; or it’s the work of the devil; I feel sorry for her/him because of his or her  situation; and it was just once are also causes.

     

    Reactions to infidelity in marriage:

    Reactions to different types of infidelity differ. The reaction to Entangled Affair is different from One Night Stand or Sexual Addiction. There are several situations: caught in the act with a close friend or relative attracts a reaction that is different from caught in the act with a stranger on the internet.

    If you are experiencing infidelity in your marriage, all the statistics in the world probably will mean nothing. Right now, all you can think about is the way infidelity is affecting you. If you are normal, you are experiencing a wide range of emotions and you might feel that you are losing your sanity because of the deep, negative, emotional impact of infidelity. It’s the depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce. Such negative emotions are hard to put behind you and many people feel there is no way to ever rebuild trust.

    Here are some of the emotions one feels when faced with the knowledge that one’s spouse has cheated.  If you have found yourself in this situation, take heart, these emotions will eventually fade and your life will become normal again.

     

    Denial:

    This is a very normal first reaction, and most people will spend some time simply refusing to believe that their spouse is involved with someone else, no matter how compelling the evidence may be. However, try to be honest with yourself, accept what has happened. Only through honesty and clarity can you get through this.

     

    Anger:

    You will find yourself experiencing anger you didn’t know you were capable of. An affair attacks the very foundation of your day-to- day life, robbing you of your security, violating the vows you took when you got married and stripping away all the peace of mind you got from being married.

    It is normal to feel mad at your spouse and at the other person who has invaded your marriage. Nevertheless, this is also one of the most destructive emotions you’ll be working through, so it is important to try and keep it under control.

     

    Rejection:

    It’s impossible not to feel personally rejected when you find that your spouse has replaced you with another. Your self-esteem will hit an all-time low at some point before you recover. Turn to your experienced good friends and family for strength.

     

    Other reactions are: shock, heart-broken, hatred, used and violated, shattered, hurt, humiliated, depressed, homicidal,  blameworthy, helpless, vengeful,  undesirable,  sexually aroused,  some are happy (especially those that are suspicious of their spouse, and have been looking for proof) and some feel relieved, alarmed,

    lose their temper, some weep, bitterness set in, low self-esteem leads to spouse feeling unimportant, inferior, worthless and spiteful.

    Everyone will experience emotions differently. This list, though it isn’t complete, is a starting place and will help you understand some of the emotions you are feeling. It’s important to know that your reaction to infidelity is normal and to understand that you may feel different emotions at different times.

  • Keeping the fire burning in a relationship

    RELATIONSHIPS take work and to keep it fresh, requires finding ways to keep the love flame burning between the two of you. Without that fire, the relationship will grow cold and distant and will die a slow but sure death.

    With a few small steps, you can keep the love fire burning as bright as the day you first realized you were made for each other.

    Don’t sweat the small stuff. Find three qualities about your partner that you love and just remain focused on these three qualities all day long. If you need to, write it down somewhere to remind yourself about them as you go about your day. No matter what happens, ignore all of those little irritating moments or habits that drive you crazy.

    Let your partner know you are there for them no matter what.

    Set aside time to really listen to your partner. In today’s busy life and between children and work, this might be more difficult than you think. And I don’t mean listen to him while you are preparing dinner. I mean really listen, sitting so you can look into each other’s eyes and have no other interference. You should do this for at least a few minutes every day but if you have to, make a listening date.

    Buy him/her something special. Buying gifts for Christmas or birthdays or other anniversaries are great but if you want to keep the love fire burning between you, you need to go a bit further. Sometimes when things are not going so well, we need to be reminded of better times.   Find a picture of the two of you smiling happily, frame it or put it up on the fridge with a note that says: “I love to see us happy.”

    Make your partner’s load a little lighter. If you have assigned chores at home, surprise him or her and just do it. There is nothing sexier to a woman than not having to do the dishes or cook dinner for one whole evening. And if you wash his car in your shorts and white t-shirt, he is sure to show you his appreciation.

    Play the wishes-and-dreams game. As we grow and get older, our dreams change. Set aside a night when the two of you can express your wishes and dreams to each other. At the end of your evening, keep love burning by choosing a wish and let it come true.

    To keep love burning in a relationship isn’t difficult. If you follow even just a few of these suggestions, your love fire will burn high and you will be the two old lovers the young people ooh and ah about.

  • Protecting kids from evils of internet

    HELLO Harriet, I am worried about my children and their use of the internet. Please, give us tips on ways to protect our children from the evils of the internet. Thanks.  Mrs. Akinola, Lagos.

    Children this day live their lives on the internet, especially the youths, through mobile phones, laptops, desktops, ipads and game consoles.  Don’t get me wrong. The use of the internet has its advantage and disadvantages. Homework and research in schools today are internet based. The use of  the internet has helped a lot in the communication, education and entertainment areas. But it can also pose as a dangerous zone for children because it exposes children to disturbing images and information, sexual abuse, verbal abuse and cyber bulling. Cyber bulling is a form of bulling that occurs, using electronic devices whether on gaming sites ( children playing internet games with other people who are connected) or on  mobile phones, social network sites,  text messages and chats. It could be a mean text message or e-mail, rumours posted on social networking sites and embarrassing pictures or videos. The effect can be devastating for children and youths. The sad part is that in most cases, it can be very difficult to trace the bully. If it is a picture that has been sent, it is always very difficult to delete.   The internet is such a big and open world that anybody can input anything in it. As a result, a lot of children have been hurt. Some are experiencing cyber bulling, sexual abuse and verbal abuse at present. Trust me, the motive of parents in providing these gadgets is to aid children and not to harm them. So, it is our responsibility to know how to keep them safe on line. Some parents feel they don’t really understand how the internet works and that their children know more than them, forgetting that technology changes on a day-to-day basis and the best way to stay informed is to get involved (understand the internet and how it works). Sometimes sit with your children, tell them to show you what they are doing and how it works.

    There are some safety guides that parents should discuss with their children on the use of internet. Home boundaries on the use of internet must be put in place. State it in clear terms to the children the sites they can visit and the ones that they are not allowed to visit when they are online. The cyber bulling should be talked about seriously because the best way to avoid or stop bullying on line is actually working together with your children by encouraging them to tell you once somebody starts bulling them. Encourage your children to block the bullies, or delete their contacts, but not to destroy the evidence, if it is a text message, in case they have to trace the identity of the bully. If the bully is from a school, it will be easy for the authority to take action.  For younger children, the internet should not be installed in their phones until they are older. The home desktop or lap top should be place in an open place in the house for easy checks, while occasionally parents should ask for their children’s laptops and ipads to see the sites their children have been visiting.  Assure and support your children, show them love, so they don’t start seeking love on the internet, especially the ones who go on the internet to socialise. Explain to them that there are many who pretend to be what they are not. Tell them they are in chat rooms and online games. As a result, they should be very careful of the people they add as friends and be mindful of the information they share out there.  Educate them about friends online; they should not accept a friend’s friend as their friend online. Remind your children to think before putting out their pictures, videos, or comments on the internet because anyone can have access to it. All their activities are put out there for everyone to read and this is dangerous. The way forward is for parents to keep talking to their children about the danger out there on the internet, so a collaborating conversation will help to keep children safe on the internet.

    Furthermore, make sure that your children understand that they should never arrange to see any one they only know on the internet. Discourage them from chatting with strangers. Parents should talk to their children about relationship, so that when they stumble on pornographic images on the internet, they will understand that it is not applicable in the real world. In spite of the above, parents can also install child protection/ parental control devices on their children’s computers in order to block certain sites that are inappropriate. These sites can be downloaded on the internet for free:

    Norton online family: This is free software that allows parents monitor the websites their children visit, as well as what they search for online and who they chat with. Parents can have a time set for children on how long they can be on line, and even see all their children’s activities and e-mails.

    Windows live family safety: This is Microsoft’s free parental control software; it is part of windows live essentials package that includes MSM messenger and Microsoft’s webmail client. Users can block specific sites and applications, as well as controlling how long their children can use the computers.

    AVG family safety: This software allows parents to create profiles for each child; it can also be adjusted as the child gets older. The software blocks inappropriate content like pornographic sites and so on.  Others are K9 Web Protection 4.0.296, PG Surfer.

    Finally, as parents, we should work close with the school because it is important that we know the policy they have in place on the use of technology in school. The safety of our children on the internet must be emphasised both at home and in school.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter; @bineharriet.

  • Tanya’s dilemma (2)

    Narrow escape,’ I thought with relief as we got in the car and drove away. I could not imagine what would have happened if the injured woman had looked up and seen me. All my carefully laid out plans would have been ruined and what would have happened to me then?

    “Is our date this weekend still on?” asked Teddy when we got to my house.

    “Of course, darling! Or do you have something else lined up?” I asked, turning to him in the car. We were parked in front of the gate of the house where I lived with two friends of mine, Diane and Stephanie.

    He shook his head before stating: “Nothing I can’t give up just to be with you, sweetheart.”

    Just then, Stephanie came through the open gate towards where we were parked.

    After greeting Teddy, she turned to me.

    “Are you not getting down from the car or you want to go back home with him?” she queried. I made a face at her before both of us came down and made for the booth of the car.

    She got really excited on seeing all the stuff I had bought at the boutique.

    “So, you went shopping and you didn’t invite me? You’re so selfish!” With her help, I packed all the shopping bags and after giving Teddy a peck, went up to our apartment.

     

    ***

    “What? You mean it was your mother that you saw? She was the one involved in the okada accident?” Diane asked me some time later. We were alone in our two bedroom flat. Stephanie, after taking some of the clothes and shoes I had bought, had left to see a friend down our street.

    “Yes o! It was terrible, Diane. I was really confused, unsure of what to do. My first instinct was to rush to her aid. But what could I do? Teddy was with me! There was no way I could tell him who the woman was. Remember I had already told him my parents were dead,” I said.

    “Hmm. I can imagine the look on his face if he had found out the truth. But what was she doing there anyway? She’s supposed to be in the village. Did she tell you she was coming to town?”Diane enquired.

    “No. We spoke some days ago and she didn’t tell me she was coming.”

    “So, what do you want to do now? I think the first thing is find out where she is,” she suggested.

    I had an idea of where my mother must have been heading to before the accident. She had a younger sister Aunty Florence who lived with her husband and children at Egbeda, a suburb of the city; that was where my mother often stayed on the rare occasions she was in town.

    Picking up my phone, I decided to call the woman to make some subtle enquiries. But her number was not going through after several times of trying. Even my mother’s number, when I tried it, was switched off.

    Later, I sat in the living room to watch a movie on the cable channel. But I could not concentrate. Continuously going through my mind was the picture of my mother lying there by the roadside, in a pool of her own blood. And due to certain circumstances, I was unable to come to her aid when she needed me most.

    What kind of situation would justify my action, you might wonder. What child would see a parent in such distress and not run to assist? It’s only a wicked and evil child who would do that, you might be tempted to say. Ok. You can call me any name you like but I had to do what I did for self-preservation and survival. This world is a very bad and terrible place and one needs all kinds of survival tactics just to cope. Especially for young ladies like us who don’t have wealthy parents, godfathers and others to make our way through life easier. We have to hustle to survive in this hard country and that means using every means available to us including living a false life…

     

    Creating a facade

    My name as you can see is Tanya and I’m in my twenties. That is not the name my parents gave me at birth. I have a traditional name which my family, childhood friends and former school mates know me with. When I moved to the city about four years ago, I discovered it was not posh and high class enough. So, I adopted the name Tanya which I had seen in a book and the name has stuck ever since.

    To go with the new name, I also changed my family history. To most of new friends in the city- besides Diane and Stephanie who know my background- I come from a wealthy family. When asked where my parents were, I always stated they had died tragically in a plane crash when I was a little girl. It was all to create a facade, a fake life just to belong to the posh set in the city.

    It was also to enable me get into the class of the rich and well-to-do men in the society who are our main ‘targets’ in our line of work. The work my friends and I do is not the type where you dress up in the morning and go to an office or other workplaces to put in an honest day’s job. Ours is hustling for men especially rich ones who can take care of our numerous needs.

    I have been doing this ‘job’ since my arrival in the city and I have made a lot of money from it. Part of the money, I send home to my parents for their upkeep and that of my siblings while

    I spend the rest on taking good care of myself so I can always look good to my ‘clients’. However, despite all the money and other perks we get from this ‘job’, I’ve always intended to make enough so I could ‘retire’ and do something more legitimate.

    Another desire of mine is also meeting a decent guy one day, preferably a well-to-do one whom I can marry and settle down with. So, when Teddy came into my life some months ago, I knew I had found the one. He was everything I wanted in a man- and to top it all, he was very rich from a wealthy background. Teddy, from what I told him about myself, believes I’m the only child of my parents who died leaving me at the mercy of my wicked uncles who stole my inheritance.

    He felt very bad for me the first day I told him the story and even vowed to do all he can to help me retrieve what was rightfully mine.

    “Those your uncles are very heartless people! How could they do that to their own niece?” he had fumed then.

    What will he say when he found out it was all lies, that my parents were both alive and well and lived in my home town. That instead of being rich, they are very poor and survival is a daily struggle especially after my father’s accident. You see, he was a palmwine tapper, whose wine was much sought after in our community and even outside it. One day, he had gone to check on his trees and had fallen down and broken his spine. He had been bedridden since then and had to be taken care of by my poor mother…

     

    To be continued

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Tanya and other individuals in the story

     

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 0802320183, (sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • Why you must communicate with your partner

    Communication is very important in any relationship. It is the fuel on which the engine of a relationship runs. In our homes, communication is the building block of intimacy in marriage because through it, spouses convey their thoughts and feelings to each other.

    For two people from different backgrounds to come to live together as one is not easy at all. Effective communication is really the only way they can understand themselves and also be able to tolerate each other’s strength and shortcomings.

    Therefore, for better interaction, the sender who conveys the message must make sure that the information is clear, while the receiver must also be sure that the message is clear, heard and understood. The big question that comes to mind while dealing with this major aspect of relationship is how do we communicate?

    We communicate in different ways, verbal and non-verbal.

    Verbal communication is simply the use of wordswhat we say, how we say it and when we say it. Spoken words are very powerful. They can make or destroy a marriage or relationship. Words we speak to our spouses or friends register more in their minds, whether harsh or kind. As we know, in our society, spoken words are compared to a broken egg that cannot be put together again. The truth is that your body language or attitude can be misinterpreted, but spoken words are usually difficult or nearly impossible to deny. Some homes today are suffering from spoken words said carelessly. Relationships have turned sour because of harsh words and so on.

    However, non-verbal communication is a process through which we interact without talking. Instances include attitude, eye contact and body language during conversation. Physical expression like hugs, handshakes, kisses and a pat on the back are also kinds of non-verbal communication.

    We cannot overlook the three important elements of good communication. They are WHAT WE SAY, HOW   WE SAY IT AND WHEN WE SAY IT.

    What we say: Our choice of words is very important in order for us to have an effective communication with our spouses or friends. The words we use to express ourselves matter a lot because if not said properly, they might pass a wrong message.

    Take for example, a woman who is worried about her husband, working late for the fear of the danger of the night might express her concerns wrongly. Instead of choosing her words in order to relate the right message to her husband, she may say it in a way that her husband would think she is accusing him of self-centeredness or unfaithfulness. Reactions to situations like this might vary, depending on the temperament of the man or his perception of the message. Some would become aggressive, especially if they are wrongly accused; some would go completely silent and others might complain to their friends and relatives, or decide to stay so late in order to avoid  nagging or false accusation. Therefore, our message must be clear for easy understanding.

    What we say: Instead of complaining, ask questions. Then, express your concern, while being mindful of your choice of words, so that you don’t miss the point. Understand your spouse’s  or friend’s personality type and talk accordingly. Be specific and simple, while interacting with your spouse or friend. Always think before you say anything.

    How we say it: How do we present our message? How do we make our point clear without missing the main issue? Understanding your spouse and knowing the approach that is suitable for her or him are very important. How we convey our message, either through word or action, must be clearly understood to avoid misinterpretation.

    When we say it: The timing or rather, when we choose to speak is also an important aspect of communication with our spouses. Talking at the right time is an aspect that must not be neglected. Understanding your spouse’s or partner’s mood tells you if he or she will be ready to listen to your conversation at that given time. Timing is very vital in communication- know when to talk so that you can get a good response.

    Ability to listen attentively during communication is crucial as well. You must listen to each other in the process of interacting. Most of the times, we hear our spouse or partner talking without us listening.

    Moreover, couples, for instance, that communicate effectively tend to understand each other better. They smoothen out their differences easily as communication takes away barriers and obstacles. In addition, a relationship or bond is created between them and this gets stronger by the day.

    They work as a team for the good of their family. Marriage is an institute and we learn every day. Couples that communicate are constantly learning from each other at all times. Conversation really takes care of many needs. As a matter of fact, good communication in marriage solves most problems. It helps spouses to have their feelings and thoughts heard and respected.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.

  • A nagging wife? What to do

    Hello Harriet, I am told that I nag a lot, though I don’t entirely agree. I think the issue here is that I am a very principled person. I cannot see something wrong and remain silent. I believe it is my duty as a wife and mother to correct my family.  As a matter of fact, my husband and children are complaining about me, even my youngest child who is 8 years, has joined the complainants. I am beginning to realize that I have a real problem, and I do not know how to stop the attitude.

    – Name withheld, Benue

     

    Thanks for sharing your challenge with us and hopefully you will be able to gain one or two from our solutions. I have never heard anyone say it better than the Good Book does: “It is better to live on a corner of your roof, than share a house with a quarrelsome wife”-Proverbs, Chapter 21,Verse 9. The same adage could be applied to the nagging mother, husband, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, friend and, in fact, anyone. No one can stand a nagger. There is just something about that resounding whine that itches the back in spots that cannot be reached. Who will want to stay close to someone who has little or nothing uplifting to say? Just imagine having a boss at work who complains at the top of his voice about every single thing you do or say. At least, with a nagging boss, you could put in your notice and leave. Your poor family has no choice, but to put up with you forever. Their only chance of peace is unfortunately to avoid you like a plague. Have I nagged you enough?  I only wanted to give you a little taste of your own medicine. At this point, your question might be: So what can I do?

    The way forward is to STOP, take a deep breath, try to relax and then ask yourself candidly what the real problem is? Or are you dissatisfied with the state of your own life and now transferring anger to those closest to you? Is it that you are such a control freak going out of control, trying to take charge of what everyone is doing? Incessant nagging is often precipitated by emotional factors: feelings of helplessness, depression and frustration are common culprits. If deep-seated depression is  the problem, you will need to get professional help or better still (depending on your level of faith) help from above. However, if it is more of control issue (doing it because you want things to go right for everyone), that as well can be taken care of.

    In situations like this, the initial step is to come to terms that no one can be in control of every facet of his or her life. Trying to achieve that will only stress you up and make you age quickly. Our imperfection is what makes us beautifully human. You have got to learn to let go and accept life with its ups and downs. Things will not always work out your way, but if you do what you can and leave the rest in God’s capable hands, they will always work themselves out. This is the truth you must accept and learn to live by it in order to derive happiness and peace of mind.

    Next, you must develop a culture of listening. Constant nagging is more effective than wearing headphones in preventing you from hearing what everyone around you is saying. Communication is very important in every home, knowing that it is a two-way street and is as much listening as it is speaking. You should take a cue from this. Listen more because when you listen, you get a chance to discover where the other party is coming from. This helps you strategize your own input better, so you don’t have to say so much before you arrive at an understanding.

    Moreover, if you are riding on a high horse, please come down. You mentioned being a highly principled person in your e-mail. This is all well and good for you, but it could be that your expectations of other  people are unreasonably high. Of course, as a mother, it is expected that you should seek to ensure that members of your family maintain good standards of behaviour. Remember we are not all clones of each other; your husband is a different individual from you. The same goes for your children. Everyone has his or her own special buttons. You have got to learn which one to press to get the desired results. Dealing with each person at his or her own level is not necessarily compromising on your standards or being a coward. It is simply being pragmatic and resultoriented.

    In addition, once there is an agreed standard of behaviour in place in your home, you can utilize ground rules, rather than nagging, to enforce discipline in your children. If your children know, for example, that if their rooms are not tidied by a certain time, there will be no television (or whatever it is you know they cherish the most) for that day, the need to nag about it is then reduced. Note that this will require consistency on your part.

    Finally, you need to change your language. Any good human resource person will tell you that motivation is crucial to getting the best out of people. Therefore, learn to see the good in those around you and make more noise about their efforts than about their failures. As a leader (and that’s what you are as a mother), you must train yourself to be an encourager. Pretty soon, you will then find your whole family always flocking around you because you make them feel so good about themselves. You will also find them slowly acquiring at least some of those high principles of yours. We know it would not be easy. These changes will not just happen magically, but if you really set your mind to it, you can do it.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.

  • Tanya’s dilemma (1)

    WHY don’t you try the blue shoes. I think they will go well with the dress,” said Teddy.

    “You think so? Alright,” I said. I slipped on the pair of high heeled shoes and stood in front of him.

    “What do you think? You like?” I asked as I turned round so he could see the back of the dress.

    ] “Beautiful,” he stated admiringly. The dress, a cap sleeve, bodycon style was one of the many outfits I had tried on in the top end boutique in the shopping centre in town. Teddy, who had a good eye for style, had selected most of them including the accessories. “Lovely. The colour of the dress suits your skin,” he noted.

    “Thanks, darling. You are really spoiling me. Look at all the stuff we’ve bought so far,” I stated glancing at the pile of clothes, shoes and bags at my side. They were enough to fill a large suitcase and I was not done yet. The bill already looked big but I was not worried as I knew that Teddy, my boyfriend of a few months was capable of paying whatever amount I had incurred.

    “You are my baby, Tanya. Who else will I spoil but you?” Teddy said squeezing my shoulder.

    Later, after picking some other items including a few pieces of jewellery, a shop assistant packed all my purchases into bags and took them to the car in the parking lot. I followed her outside while Teddy took care of the bill.

    We were arranging the bags in the boot of the SUV when a loud bang followed by a scream like that of someone in great pain, drew our attention.

    Just a few meters away by the roadside, we could see a woman sprawled on the ground with a motorcycle half lying on top of her. A short distance away, the okada rider, who appeared dazed, sat on the sidewalk, rubbing his leg. We watched as a few passersby gathered round the accident scene, talking and gesticulating.

    “What’s going on?” asked Teddy when he came out and saw the small crowd by the roadside.

    “Looks like an accident,” I said.

    “These okada riders can be so reckless. Hope no one got hurt,” he said as he walked to the scene. I closed the car booth, gave the shop assistant a tip and joined Teddy and the other spectators.

    Apart from bruises on her legs and hands, the woman appeared to be alright. A plump lady in the orange shirt and trousers of road traffic wardens, was helping her to sit up. She sat by the curb groaning and inspecting her body, especially a deep gash on her right leg that was dripping blood.

    There was something familiar about the woman, so I moved nearer for a closer look. On seeing the woman’s face, I gasped and quickly drew back to stand at the edge of the group.

    “What is it Tanya? You look as if you have seen a ghost!” Teddy observed, looking worriedly at me.

    Quickly gathering myself together, I stated:

    “Its nothing. Maybe it’s the sight of all that blood that’s freaking me out. I think we should leave. Remember you have an appointment in an hour’s time.”

    ‘Narrow escape,’ I thought with relief as we got in the car and drove away. I could not imagine what would have happened if the injured woman had looked up and seen me. All my carefully laid out plans would have been ruined and what would have happened to me then?

     

    To be continued

     

    Who is the mystery woman and why was Tanya so upset at seeing her? Keep a date with us next Saturday for the sizzling details!

     

    Names have been changed to protect Tanya’s identity and other individuals in the story.

     

    Send comments/suggestions to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

     

  • Dealing with masturbation

    Ma,

    I am a boy who just clocked18. I thank God for it. Well you can wish me a happy birthday. Madam, I am facing a serious challenge which I have been with for almost 10 years. It is the issue of masturbation. It all started the moment I was raped by one of my cousins. Since then, I cannot control my sexual urges and masturbation. I have this feeling of opening up to you as a counsellor to help me out. This issue has been a secret in my life. I am ashamed to confide in anybody for fear of being condemned. I really don’t know how to deal with my situation. Please, I need your help. You have my permission to publish my message, but please, don’t disclose my identity. Thanks.

    Name withheld. Lagos

    I must commend you for the courage you showed by sending in your mail about your situation. It takes a lot to do so. You have done great. Sending this mail is one step to your healing because when you open up on issues like this, it gives a clear picture of what you are going through. Now, we have two issues to tackle. First is the case of rape and the second is masturbation. Rape is a serious issue and must be reported. It doesn’t matter who is involved, whether family member or not. The rapist must face the law for such an act. On the other hand, the victim must be protected and reassured of a bright future. He or she must see a trained counsellor who will take the victim through a healing process.  The reason for all this explanation about rape is because it is one of the major causes masturbation.  Come to think of it, most of the rape issues are done by family members who take advantage of the innocent. That is the reason why parents must protect their children all the way. Discuss with them, telling them everything they need to know about sex education. Listen to them when they complain about certain people. Trust them; don’t intimidate them. Build their confidence, show them love and answer all their questions. Correct your children with love when they are wrong.  Masturbation is one common act that a large number of teenagers are involved in mostly when the above are missing and when there is lack of information or wrong information given to them as they are confused about the natural changes that are taking place in their bodies, both physical and emotional. Apart from the issue of rape, some get answers from their friends on what to do when their sexual feeling comes to play. Others get these answers from books and media. Masturbation becomes an addiction and can actually affect other aspects of their lives, if all the necessary steps are not taken to put an end to it. Some of the effects are as follows: obsession, guilt, lack of concentration, absentmindedness, memory loss, depression, solitariness, low self-esteem and so on.  However, stopping masturbation addiction requires a lot of self-discipline and total commitment. It is achievable once you set your mind on it. There are some useful tips on how to deal with the issue of masturbation.  My first advice on this case is that you see a trained counsellor, so that his rape issue will be treated properly. He needs to open up to a professional who is not going to judge or condemn him, but reassure him of confidentiality and assist him through the healing process which comes in sections. Since his unspoken rape incident is what led him into masturbating and uncontrollable sexual urges. The next step is to learn to divert your free time and energy into active areas like sport. Take up an activity that you enjoy instead of staying idle. You can start daily exercise, if you like, but once you start, make sure you stick to it. If you can’t keep to it on your own, then go and register with a gym and be consistent.  Getting really busy with yourself in a useful and productive way is also another way to end this practice. Take up courses to acquire skills, if you like. This will occupy your mind and help you improve yourself. As a matter of fact, the truth is that you need to seriously work on your mind set because all this started from the mind. So dealing with it means that the mind must be occupied with right thoughts- positive thinking, nothing more. You must be determined to make it work. Above all, don’t forget to surrender yourself to God. He is your creator,  the only one who will make all this action work, if you take it to Him in prayers. Therefore, whatever your religion, take your situation to Him, while you follow all the tips that are given to you. Trust Him and He will deliver you.   Avoid being idle because the idle mind is the devil’s workshop. Read inspirational books that will help. Fill your mind with thoughts on how you can improve yourself for good. Be creative, for example, learn how to play a musical instrument.   Furthermore, avoid every situation that might trigger the urge of masturbation. Keep away from anything that turns you on sexually. They could be films, books, magazines, bad friends and so on. You have to take absolute control of yourself at all times by avoiding tempting situations, if you want to end it.  In short, start something new that will keep you busy and excited. In addition, you need to take this process step by step to avoid making  mistakes along the line. Don’t forget it took time to get into this habit and it will take time to get out. So, if you fall, do not remain there. Dust yourself up and continue because it takes a willing heart to achieve change.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.