The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Finding Rosie (4)

    DUE to an unspoken agreement, JB and I kept our past relationship from Chief that day. His unexpected arrival on the scene got me really confused. Why did this have to happen now after things had been settled between Chief and I, I kept wondering.

     “What are you going to do now?” asked Helena when I discussed the new development with her later that evening.

     “Nothing. I will just go ahead with the plans,” I replied.

     “And what about Chief? Don’t you think he deserves the right to know? That his fiancé had been in a relationship with his nephew before?” she said.

     “Look, I don’t really see the need for that. What happened between JB and I belongs in the past. He means nothing to me now,” I stated.

     She did not look convinced though but she said nothing.

     I was at home the following day- Sunday when JB came to see me. I was expecting him as he had told me at Chief’s place the previous day that he would be visiting.

     “In all my years on earth, I had never been so shocked as I was yesterday at my Uncle’s place. Rosie, what’s going on? How did you end up with my Uncle?” he queried as soon as he entered the house.

     “First of all, JB, it’s my private life- I don’t think you have any right to question me about who I date or marry. Afterall, we broke up years ago in case you have forgotten!” I pointed out.

     “Ok. Agreed. But my Uncle? Why him of all the men in town? No way, Rosie, you can’t marry him. In fact, you have to break off this engagement,” he said firmly.

     “And why should I do that? Chief loves me very much and…” I started to say when he cut in:

     “And you? What do you feel for him? Don’t tell me you are in love with that old man?”

     “What’s wrong with that? Chief is a good man, he treats very well. More than can be said for some people,” I stated, giving him a sly look.

     He sighed.

     “Look, Rosie. I know I was not fair to you back in school. There were some things I did back in the day that I regret; the way I treated you is top among them. But I wrote to you apologizing after I had left school. You got the letter, didn’t you?” he said.

     It was some months after JB graduated that I had received the said letter. At that time, I was still heartbroken after we broke and I had not bothered to reply.

     “So? What has that got to do with this matter?” I enquired.

     “A lot, Rosie. You remember I stated in the letter that I was leaving for further studies outside the country and that I would come and see you whenever I was in the country. I returned three years later but you had graduated and gone for the youth service programme. I didn’t know where you were serving so I could not reach you. Since then, I have been coming in and out of the country but I have been unable to reach you,” he said.

     “Wait a minute, JB. Are you saying you have been looking for me all this while, all these years?” I asked in a wondering tone.

     He nodded.

     “It’s the truth. I’ve been searching for you for years now, Rosie, hoping to see you again one of these days. So, you can imagine my shock when I saw you at my Uncle’s house and him proudly showing you off as his fiancé!”

     “I don’t understand this. Why would you be looking for me? Our relationship ended years ago!” I reminded him.

     “Truth is, Rosie, I have not been able to forget you. I’ve had affairs and even relationship since we parted but it’s not been the same with the others. There’s something missing, a vacuum I believe only you can fill,” he said.

     “Well, you might have to go elsewhere to find that elusive thing you claim you are missing. For as you can see, I’m engaged,” I said, proudly flaunting my ring in his face.

     “You have to break it off. Can’t you get it Rosie, I still love you!” he declared.

     “JB, that’s your problem not mine. I’m engaged to Chief and there’s nothing I can do about it,” I told him.

     “You can’t be serious about marrying my Uncle. I know you don’t love him. And I know you used to be crazy about me,” he stated.

     “That was then. I was a young girl full of foolish dreams,” I said.

     “But it’s that all? Can you honestly say you no longer feel anything for me? Can you?” he said, coming closer to me.

     I stepped back, my hands raised in front of me, not wanting him close to me.

      Seeing my reaction, he smiled, a knowing look on his face.

     “I think you should leave, JB. I don’t think your Uncle will be happy to see you and I together like this. Please go,”I told him.

     He left then, with the promise to return some other time.

      ***

     JB’s return to my life at this period put me in a state of confusion. I had met him in school in my first year as a student. He had been two years ahead of me and was one of the ‘big’ boys on campus. He had a lot of admirers among the female students and was often seen in the company of different ladies.

     We met at one of the shows on campus and that’s how we became friends before we began dating. I was madly in love with him and he said he loved me too. We were together for nearly two years when we had a big fight over his relationship with some other girls on campus. He kept denying he was not dating them until I caught him in his room, in bed with a student who lived on the same block with me. A girl I was not on good terms with and whom I disliked.

     I had forgiven him in the past over his infidelities but that was the last straw. I had called off the relationship and vowed not to have anything to do with him again. I was heartbroken then as I had loved JB so much. It took me a long time to recover from my broken heart. Now he was back again afterall all these years, saying he still loved me and wanted me back. What was I supposed to do?

     Much as I tried to deny it to myself, seeing JB again rekindled all the old emotions and brought back memories of what it was like when we were together all those years ago. I knew it would be dangerous to be alone together with him. So whenever he wanted to see me to talk, I always gave one excuse or the other.

     I wanted to keep avoiding him as much as possible until I had married Chief and there was nothing he could do then.

     Then one day, about two days before Chief and I were to travel to see my parents for the introduction, he came to my office one evening…

     Will Rosie rekindle her relationship with JB or will she marry Chief? Watch out for the concluding part of Rosie’s story next Saturday!

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Rosie and the other individuals in the story.

  • I want to reduce my weight to save my marriage

    Hello Harriet, I am really impressed with your column in The Nation. Please, I need you to counsel me on what to do. I am 45 years old and married with children. Here is my case: My relationship with my husband is deteriorating by the day  because of my weight which he makes clear to me. I have been for a very long time consoling myself with one excuse or the other. Now, I really want to do something about my weight. Honesty ,I love my marriage and I want to keep it. Kindly advise me. Thanks. Uju, Lekki,Lagos.

    The issue of weight can be very sensitive. Some people take it and do something about it. Others do not want it mention at all.  The fact that you are aware of it and you have made up your mind to do something about your weight is a good step. I must commend you on that. You are very lucky to   have a husband who is sincere about what he wants in his wife because some men will not discuss it. Instead, they will start acting in different ways. Others go as far as picking up quarrels, even when there is nothing to quarrel about. Don’t forget one man’s meat is another man’s poison. Some men like their wives big, while some like theirs slim.

    However, healthy living is the solution to the problem. Henceforth, your diet has to change not for a period of time, but for life. You need to see this process as a change of lifestyle. Healthy diet doesn’t seem to make as much impact on us as the habits we’ve grown up with. For example, how many of us ate yoghurt when we were children? Probably the only spaghetti most of us ate in the past tends to come out of a tin. A meal wasn’t a meal, if it didn’t have a piece of meat followed by chilled drinks. We have broadened our taste buds in the last few years. The next step should be to make further changes to our eating habit in order to change the proportions of different nutrients, giving us healthier balance. Healthy eating should not be difficult to achieve, especially as there are now varieties of nutritious meals to choose from. There are some helpful guidelines you can follow with confidence:

    Set realistic targets. Let your targets be what you can achieve at the end of the day. Remember you did not gain the weight in one day, so it’s going to take a while for you to shed off the weight.

    Major overhauls to your meals which involve drastic cutbacks or punishing regimes don’t work. You are more likely to stick to smaller, gradual changes.  Frankly, highly restricted diets which involve going without certain groups of foods can even be harmful, unless you do so under the supervision of a professional.

    Moreover, stick to two or three moderately sized meals each day, rather than semi-starving yourself for much of the day and having one mega-sized meal to compensate. This is because your digestive system works better on a regular supply of food.

    Snacking in between meals is fine, provided you do in a healthy way. For example, a piece of fruit or raw vegetable which provides proportionate vitamins, minerals and fibre will do.

    Furthermore, increase your intake of unrefined cereals (whole meal bread, pasta and rice).

    Don’t forget to reduce your intake of saturated fats (the fats mainly found in animal-origin products).

    Aim to eat five portions of fruit and vegetables each day.

    Your programme is incomplete, if you don’t add exercise to it. One of the best ways to keep healthy and keep your weight down is to get regular exercise. You need activity to make it work. Remember, you don’t have to do anything too difficult. A lot of things you do for fun are great exercise, like dancing, swimming or going for brisk walks.  Short periods of exercise several times a week will do you better than a fortnight’s inactivity punctuated by a single exhausting afternoon. Aim to get to the stage where you miss exercising, if you’re prevented from doing it for more than a few days. You can actually exercise on your own or register with a gym. If it helps, have a fix time and date mark in your diary. Good luck, as you turn to a healthy lifestyle for yourself and for your marriage.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.

  • How do I cope with my wife?

    Hello Madam Harriet,

    Thanks for your good work. I enjoy reading your page because there is always something to learn. Please madam; I want your advice on my relationship. I met my woman 13 years ago. We got our first child after some years and we recently had our third child last year. We only started living together recently, although our marriage is unofficial. I found out I’m the only one that truly loves, showing love and care about everything. She’s someone with quiet and sluggish attitude even in thoughts. She believes in expressing her love and care inside of her without actions which she lacks. I’ve talked with her a lot, but she won’t listen and every discussion turns to grudges, even after morning prayers. I’m a year older than her and I guess she does things wrongly with this advantage of age barrier. I’m a very playful person and I hate dull moments, but she never welcomes any expression of feelings. She makes our home to be so boring for me and this makes me sad most times. Only God and my kids are just the source of my happiness at home. She has never requested for sex since I met her and I have to force her before having sex with her. Her sexual stress pushed me out to start having affairs which I want to stop.  I always get too nice with ladies that if care is not taken with these affairs, I might end up with a mistress which I see as a disaster.  My woman has never respected me when we are alone, but in the sight of people, she’s the best. She talks anyhow to me with no respect. She does things at her convenient time. She has responses to everything I say and have silly chuckles. She makes me hit her when I can’t bear her foul actions. She’s my first love and  always makes me regret getting hooked to her. She once said she regretted getting married to me. Imagine! Every time I go to her for advice, her responses are discouraging. We just moved to our house a few months which she rarely visited during construction, but all she could do was to complain about how everything was wrongly place in the house. I’ve reported her to her parents, her only friend and even our church pastor, but still there is no change. The worst part is that she doesn’t know how to apologize. We’ve agreed on getting married officially by August this year, but my fear is can I continue with this bad-mannered and moody woman that never shows me love at home? Ma, I’m forcing her to love me and trying all my best to make her smile. The way she approaches me is always disrespectful. I’ve always planned to leave home, but I can’t leave my kids for just one day without missing them. I never get appreciated by my wife. I get satisfaction outside than my home by all love standards. Just a few days ago, I was hungry since she is never up early. I decided to make something for myself. Just as I was eating, she came out to nag me. I later slapped her.  I hardly get angry, but she always pushes me to the wall which I don’t like. Ma, I want a break and before then, I need your marital advice because I need true love and happiness in my home. Please, help with your advice.

     

    God Bless you.

    Akin O., Lagos

     

    Thanks for sharing your experience with us. We are really very grateful. In many varied circumstances, man and woman counter complain against each other when it comes to leaving together. Bearing in mind that these are different persons from different backgrounds with different personalities, coming together to live as one. It is the greatest challenge ever. The only way out is actually understanding each other’s strengthes and weaknesses. Our differences are what make us unique. However, the question that comes to mind is: what was the initial attraction because you have known her for years now. There must be some kind of love that existed between you and your partner, so what went wrong is the big question that we should try and find out because people express their worries or problems in different ways. In your case, you might feel that you are doing everything to make her happy. That’s your story What is her story? In every relationship, each partner has expectations. It is always important to make these expectations explicit. The best way is through communication. I am happy to know that you have talked a lot to your partner about how her action is affecting you, but on her own, she will not listen. For communication to be effective, the following must be put into consideration: What is being communicated. How is it being communicated. When is it being communicated. Through good communication, initial problems will be discovered and resolved before growing into  bigger problems because through interaction, a bond is created between partners and it gets stronger by the day. Through this process, partners will know each other’s needs. It gives the sense of team work, removes barriers and obstacles. Furthermore, when there is problem at home, having extramarital affair with someone else is never the solution to the problem. Instead, it destroys the situation completely. For example, to the lady out there, she will do everything for you to see her as the best thing that happens to you. She will try to avoid all the wrongs that you must have told her about your partner. Come to think of it, how much time do you spend with her to claim that you know her well enough. You might feel she makes you happy and has everything you need in a woman. Infidelity destroys a home. Relationship has its ups and downs. The way forward is to tackle the issues as they come. A lot must be put into consideration in decision-making, especially when children are involved. The effect of separation on children is a tough one, so before taking any action, partners should try and resolve their problems, seek professional help, if need be  who will take you and your partner through the process in confidentiality. However, you might ask the question why me, why not her changing her ways to make it work. Well, it takes one person to make a change. Remember you can only change yourself and through the new you, the other person will learn to change as well. Again, there’s no excuse for domestic violence no matter what she said or how she pushed you to it. Don’t hit her because once you start, there will be no end to it. A man should learn to control himself when it comes to dealing with women.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.

  • Finding Rosie (2)

    One day, nearly five months after our first meeting, Chief Simon called to invite me for an international business conference he was attending.

    “I will be away for about two weeks. I could use some company so how about coming with me?” he asked over the phone.

    It sounded tempting especially since he disclosed he would be taking a short vacation in the U.K after the conference in Canada. Then I remembered my job and also Lucas, my boyfriend.

    “Would have liked to but duty calls. Can’t take time off work now as we are rather busy at the office. Even my leave this year was cancelled,” I explained. The company had just brought out a new product and I was deeply involved in its marketing.

    But I had reckoned without Chief’s influence. Some days later, my big boss, the Marketing Director of the company called me to his office and informed me that the annual leave I had applied for sometime time before and had been turned down had been approved.

    “You can go on your leave now if you still want it,” were his words.

    I left his office, wondering what was going on. This was the same man who had told all of us in the department just weeks before that no one could take time off work until the new product that had been launched was doing well in the market.

    I did not have long to wonder. That same evening, one of Chief’s P.As Patrick came with a note from Chief with instructions to give him my international passport since I had been given my leave.

    After the man left, I called Chief on phone.

    “How did you know my leave had been approved?” were the first words I uttered.

    He laughed and said:

    “Well, let’s just say the Chairman of your company is a friend and tennis partner at the club. We had a game yesterday and I had a word with him concerning your matter and here we are!” His explanation sounded reasonable and I wondered at how the rich and powerful in the society often got their wishes and desires just by the snap of a finger.

    ***

    “Don’t tell me you have accepted Chief’s invitation!” said Helena a few days later at her house. I had just told her my leave had been granted and I was going with Chief on his trip after all.

    “Of course I have! Free ticket, accommodation and everything. What’s not to like? I think it will be fun,” I told her happily.

    “What sensible person will turn down such an opportunity?” put in Hilda, a mutual friend of ours. “If I were her, I would grab at it with both hands. So, let her go and enjoy herself. I envy you o, Rosie,” she added turning to me.

    “But what about Lucas? Have you told him you are travelling soon?” asked Helena with a frown.

    I shook my head.

    “No. I’ll do that some days before I leave,” I said.

    “Well, I don’t think he will be too pleased to know you are travelling abroad with your sugar daddy,” she said.

    “What’s your problem? I have told you several times that Chief is not my ‘sugar anything.’ We are just friends. Besides, Lucas and I are not married. We are just dating. We are not engaged or anything and I can see whoever I want. If he doesn’t like it, well too bad,” I said, shrugging.

    “I hope you know what you are doing,” she said.

    “Your problem, Helena is that you worry too much. Lucas is my boyfriend, not yours. I know how to handle my love life,” I said.

    I did not tell my boyfriend the full details of the trip- I lied that my company was sponsoring me for the conference I was attending.

    “I’ll miss you,” he said, stating that he would have loved to come with me if he had some free time from work.

    “Hey! I’ll only be away for a few weeks. You talk as if I’m relocating abroad,” I said, laughing.

    “I know. But those few weeks will be like a year to me. Make sure you call as soon as you get there,” he said hugging me tightly…

     

    On the trip

    What can I say about the trip other than it went well and Chief gave me a surprise I was not expecting? We arrived safely in Montreal where the conference took place, after a stop over in the U.S. Patrick, Chief’s Personal Assistant who travelled with us, had made hotel reservations for us and we drove down there on arrival.

    I had a separate room and I was a bit surprised as I had thought I would share Chief’s suite with him.

    Anyway, while he attended the conference during the morning and afternoon, Patrick and I went round exploring the city and doing some shopping accompanied by a French speaking guide he arranged for us.

    It was on getting to London that Chief sprang his surprise on me. One evening, a few days after arriving in the U.K, I had gone to visit an old school friend who lived in another part of the city. When I returned to his house, I saw a parcel addressed to me on the centre table in the living room.

    ‘Who could be buying me gifts in London?’ I wondered as I opened the parcel. Inside was an engagement ring, encrusted with diamonds and other precious stones that glittered in the soft light in the room.

    I was admiring the ring in its case when a voice said behind me:

    “I think that will look better on your finger.”

    I turned sharply to see Chief coming down the stairs, a broad smile on his face.

    “What do you mean, Chief?” I blurted out. He drew close, took my hand and led me to the sofa.

    “I know this must have come as a surprise to you. But the truth is, I want you as my wife. So, will you marry me, my lovely Rose?” he said. He took my left hand and slipped the ring on it.

    To say I was surprised was stating the obvious. I had thought of many things Chief could have wanted from me. Marriage was not among them.

    “But Chief, you have a wife and many children already! So, why this?” I asked.

    “You are quite correct, my dear. But listen to what I have to say and you will understand the reason I’m doing this,” he said.

    “You see, dear, my wife and I live virtually separate lives. We are husband and wife in name only. We’ve been separated for years. The breakdown of our marriage did not begin today. It all started long ago. To be fair to my wife, I’m partly to blame for what happened. Over twenty years ago, I met this young lady, very beautiful. One thing led to the other and I fell in love with her. An affair started and before long, she got pregnant for me. I wanted the baby so I got an apartment for her where she stayed with my daughter after she put to bed.

    “Soon, my wife got to know about my mistress and the child. As expected, she was not pleased at what had happened and she made her views clear. It caused a lot of quarrels and fights between us. Even many years after the incident, my wife has not forgiven me or let bygones be bygones. Unfortunately, my mistress died from a terminal illness when my daughter was about five years old. I had to bring my child to our home so I could raise her myself. That’s my last child Claire, you’ve met her a couple of times at my house in Lagos.

    “Anyway, bringing Claire into our home was like the last straw for my wife. She refused to accept the girl, stating she would rather die than bring up ‘a strange woman’s child’. She moved out of our home and has stayed out ever since. All entreaties from our relatives and even our children to make her return home have been rebuffed by her. You see, my wife is a very stubborn woman and is difficult to convince once she has made up her mind about something.

    “All this happened many years ago and since then, my relatives have been advising me to remarry. But I have not been keen. I have instead focused on my business and making money.

    “But in the past few years, I have been giving the idea serious thought. The only problem is finding the right woman. Luckily for me, I found her along the road one day, standing by her car which had a flat tyre,” he said, smiling at me.

    “Why me, Chief? There are so many ladies out there you could choose from; why did you pick me?” I queried.

    “Good question. I don’t know what it is, but as soon as I saw you, I knew you were the one I had been searching for. I know at your age, you will want to marry a young man in your age group. But marrying an old man like me won’t be such a bad idea, considering what you will gain. Financial security for life, for instance with all my worldly possessions at your disposal among other perks. I won’t rush you, dear. I will give you enough time to think about it, whether here or when we return to Nigeria. Finding you Rosie, hasn’t been easy. But I’m prepared to wait for you to make up your mind…”

    To be continued

     

    Will Rosie accept Chief’s strange marriage proposal? Don’t miss the hot details next week!

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Rosie and the other individuals in the story.

  • Finding Rosie (1)

    I WAS running late for my friend Helena’s birthday party and was driving down, trying to meet up when I nearly had a crash. As I slowed down to negotiate a bend into her estate, I heard a sound at the back of the car. I swerved off the road and parked. Feeling a bit shaky, I got down to see the damage. One of the back tyres was flat. I sighed, wondering why this had to happen now of all days.

    Just then, my phone rang.

    “Rosie where are you? Nearly everyone has arrived except you!” Helena said, sounding pissed with me.

    When I told her about the flat tyre, she calmed down a bit.

    “I know you can’t fix it yourself, so just tell me where you are and I will send someone to you,” she stated before hanging up.

    My second phone rang and as I was talking to another friend I had invited for the party and needed directions to Helena’s house, a sleek, black saloon car drew close to where I stood. As the driver parked, a man spoke from the back window.

    “Is there a problem? Do you need any help?”

    I drew close to the car and stated:

    “I have a flat tyre sir.”

    “In that case, my driver can help you fix it as I know most of you ladies can’t handle such things,” he said, smiling a little.

    I thanked him but rejected his kind offer.

    “My friend is sending someone to sort it out. So, don’t bother, sir. And thanks,” I said.

    “It’s no bother. My driver can be working on it before your friend turns up,” he said. He spoke to his driver, who came down and opened the boot of the car. He brought out some tools and set to work on my car.

    The man got out of the car and introduced himself.

    “I’m Simon. And you are…?”

    “Rosemond. But my friends call me Rosie or Rose,”I told him.

    “I think I prefer Rose because you look like a flower, a blooming one at that,” he said, grinning down at me. He was a tall man and even in my high heels, he towered over me. He looked to be in his sixties with his closely cropped hair generously sprinkled with grey hair.

    We stood under a nearby tree chatting as his driver replaced the punctured tyre with a spare.

    It turned out he was visiting a relative of his who lived in the same neighbourhood as Helena.

    I told him about the party and said he could join us when he was done at his relative’s place. He was a total stranger to me but I felt inviting him to the party was my little way of expressing appreciation for his help with my car.

    “Thanks for the invite. But won’t I be ‘crashing’ your friend’s party?” he asked. I told him it was not a problem, that my friend would not mind my bringing a guest.

    Soon, the driver was done with the car. I thanked him again and before driving off, exchanged contacts.

    ***

    I never knew that chance meeting with the kind hearted man who helped with my car, would have such an effect on my life. But that’s a story for another day.

    Later that day, the man called stating he could not make it to Helena’s party, as he had to be at another function with his relation.

    “I would have really loved to be at your friend’s party but we have a family function to attend. But I hope I can invite you out for a drink or so one of these days,” he said.

    It was nearly three weeks later when he called. I was free that weekend- my boyfriend Lucas was out of town on a business trip so I accepted his invitation.

    “I will like to, sir,” I stated.

    “Good. But do me a favour, will you? Can you drop the sir? It makes me feel ancient. Just call me Simon,” he said.

    “It’s just a sign of respect sir, as you are old enough…”

    “To be your father. But I’m not your Daddy,” he said, laughing and I joined in. That was one thing I liked about the man- he had a capacity to put me at ease, made me relate to him like a mate instead of someone of my Dad’s generation.

    On the appointed day, I met Simon at a very exclusive club in town. One had to be extremely rich, with a networth running in multiple millions to belong to the club. I wondered as I parked near the entrance if Simon belonged that class.

    He was in a white tennis outfit when I met up with him. He was sitting in a private part of the club, chatting with another man.

    After introducing me to the man who was a friend of his, he ordered for some drinks for me.

    I told him I was not hungry when he wanted to send for some food too.

    “You can order for some small chops to go with the drinks. Their chicken wings here are delicious. Why not try some?” he said.

    It was that day I knew that appearances could be really deceptive. Simon or Chief as most people around called him turned out to be a very successful and wealthy business mogul. Though with vast wealth, he lived a very simple life and shunned the limelight unlike many of the rich in the society. He had six children who were all grown up with the last born having graduated shortly before our meeting. That day, I found out a little bit about him and more as our unusual friendship progressed.

    Later, he went to the tennis courts within the club to play a round with some friends of his. I sat by the court side, sipping my drink and watching them play.

    “I really enjoyed your company today. Maybe we could do this some other time?” he asked as we got ready to leave.

    I did not see any harm in it since all he seemed to want was for me to keep him company.

    “I’ll like that,” I told him before we parted.

    ***

    After that, Chief often called to meet up with him. Our initial meetings were at the club though later, I began seeing him at home. He lived in a very big mansion in a high fenced compound with a lovely garden. His wife, he explained, was hardly in the country as she preferred living abroad.

    “Two of my children live abroad as well and she shuttles between them,” Chief told me the first time he invited me to his home. Apart from the last child, a girl who still lived at home, the rest had their own homes. That first day, I had expected him to make some moves towards me but he remained his friendly self, treating me more like a little sister than anything else.

    “What’s up with that man? Are you sure he’s a real man?” Helena wondered when I told her

    what had transpired at Chief’s house.

    “And what’s that supposed to mean?” I queried.

    “What man will invite a lady home, a cute one like you for that matter and not even touch her. It’s unreal!” she declared.

    I laughed at her words.

    “You think every man is a flirt? Chief is not like that o! Besides, he sees me as just a friend, ‘his baby sister’ or even daughter,” I stated.

    “Daughter my foot! Just wait, his true intentions towards you will surface one of these days! Then, you will see I was right all along!” said Helena.

    “You know your problem? You have become very cynical about men. Not all of them jump into bed with every girl they meet. There are still some decent, responsible ones, you know. Like Chief Simon. He’s not interested in me as a woman,” I said.

    She shrugged.

    “Na you sabi. Only time will tell if I’m right or wrong,” she said before changing the subject.

    As events turned out, my friend’s words proved prophetic. For Chief indeed had plans for me, but not in the way she envisaged…

    To be continued

     

    What does Chief Simon want from Rosie? Details next week!

     

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Rosie and the other individuals in the story.

  • He promised me paradise, but all I got was hell! (4)

    He promised me paradise, but all I got was hell! (4)

    Continued from last week…..

    Then, abruptly, he flung me against the wall and I slid to the floor. I must have fainted for when I woke up, I found myself on a hospital bed. A nurse, who was standing by the bed, looked relieved on seeing me awake.

    “Thank God, you have regained consciousness. We have been so worried about you. Let me get the doctor,” she stated, before hurrying out of the room.

    It was from the doctor I heard the horrible news, that my baby, who had arrived prematurely had died.

    “We kept him in an incubator since he was premature but it was no use. He lived for just a few hours,” he said in a sad tone. I turned my face to the wall, hot tears steaming down my face, feeling too drained and weak to even cry out.

    Just then, some of my family members came into the room, their expressions shifting from looks of joy at my regaining consciousness and sadness at my baby’s death. My Dad, stepmother and my brother Mike stood round the bed, looking down at me.

    “I’m so glad you are back with us, my daughter. You are very precious to me and I can’t afford to lose you,” said my Dad as he took my hand in his. He looked grim when I quietly narrated what had happened with my husband that had led to my being hospitalized.

    “I know it’s painful to lose your baby but though the water might have spilt, the vessel is still intact; it’s not broken. As for that husband of yours, just leave him to me. I know what to do to him. Don’t worry about him. Your health is what matters now. So, focus on getting better and everything will be alright,” he reassured me. ”

    But will it, I thought glumly after they had gone to see the doctor. Will things ever be the same again between Kel and I after what had happened. I shuddered, remembering the fight at home, the crazy look in his eyes as he held my throat so tightly. What if he had strangled me to death that night? It was a miracle that I was alive but that fact brought me little joy. All I could think about was losing my baby and I blamed Kel for that.

    I heard he had been coming to the hospital all the time I was unconscious and had been so worried about me. But I did not care; I did not want to see him and I told the nurses attending to me not to allow him near my room.

    Later, I fell into a deep sleep and woke up to the sound of loud voices outside the door of my room. I could make out my husband, Kel’s voice among them. He was telling the nurses to allow him in to see me as it was his right as my husband.

    “She’s my wife! You can’t stop me from seeing her! What kind of crazy hospital is this? I will definitely let the CMD hear about this!” he threatened.

    “Sir, we are just following instructions. It’s better you go back and return when she’s in a better frame of mind,” the nurse told him but he was not ready to budge. Though still feeling weak and with pains, I managed to get out of the bed and made for the door. I stood there silently for a while watching the argument between Kel and the nurses.

    “What have you come to do now? Finish the ‘work’ you started at home?” I queried, my voice seeping with anger.

    They all turned to me then.

    “Ah, baby, how are you feeling now? Are you alright?” he asked, a worried look on his face. One of the nurses bustled up to me and stated firmly:

    “Madam, you are not strong enough to be walking around yet. Go back to bed. It’s time to take your drugs. Lie down and Nurse Mary will attend to you.”

    “Just tell him to stay away from me. I don’t want to see him,” I said as I laid on the bed.

    ***

    About a week later, I was discharged from the hospital. Instead of heading home however, Mike drove me down to our parents’ house. I did not want to go home, at least not yet. I needed space and time to recover fully both physically and mentally, before seeing my husband again. I was to remain there for the next three months despite Kel’s pleading for forgiveness and for me to return home.

    He also sent his relatives to plead with my Dad and I. My father who was really angry with Kel at his behaviour, was even more against my going back to my husband, stating that if he had killed me that night of the fight, ‘would they be here begging for me to return to him?’

    “I gave my daughter to your son to love and care for her, not kill her for me. I lost her mother to illness some years ago. I don’t want anything to happen to her. So, warn your son! He should learn to control his temper as a man,” he told them.

    After some time though, my Dad relented. By then, my anger with my husband had subsided and I was ready for a reconciliation. Truth is, I loved my husband very much and I was ready to work on my marriage to make it succeed.

    On the eve of departure for my marital home, my Dad had a long talk with me.

    “My dear daughter, as you are going back to your husband, I want you to put what has happened behind you and forge on. Marriage is not a bed of roses; anyone that says otherwise is simply lying. It’s full of challenges, you just have to learn to weather them. Be patient with your husband and do not provoke him to anger that might result in violence like what happened the last time. Your husband has shown enough remorse and I believe there won’t be a repeat of the last incident. Be a good and loving wife to him and he will cherish you,” my father advised.

     

    ***

    Soon, I returned home and life went on as usual. The only difference was Kel, who now treated me so carefully like an egg that could break if handled roughly. He later confessed that he thought he was going to lose me when I was lying unconscious in the hospital.

    “I couldn’t sleep for days or eat. I prayed like I had never done in my life. I was so scared you might die,” he stated.

    “As you can see, I’m still alive and well,” I said, smiling.

    He laughed then made a solemn promise never to lay a finger on me again.

    “Never again, darling. I promise never to hit you or cause you pain,” he said before drawing me close and kissing me passionately.

    That promise lasted exactly six months. Then it was back to the old Kel. He would slap or hit me whenever we had any argument. With time, he grew more controlling and dictated what I could and not do.

    I work in a government parastatal and I usually closed from work officially around 5 o’clock. But sometimes, extra work would keep me in the office an hour later. I was home late on such days and it was a bone of contention between us.

    “Why can’t you be home early like other civil servants? What do you do in that office after closing? Or are you having an affair? Are you now cheating on me? Answer me!” he demanded angrily one evening on getting home later than him.

    “Kel, how can you say that? You know I will never do that! It was the traffic that made me late,” I explained. But he was still furious and kept on talking about what he termed ‘these so called sophisticated career city women who run around with other men and cheat on their husbands.’

    “If I ever catch you having an affair behind my back, I’ll kill you with my bare hands,” he warned. I kept my cool and did not say a word further to maintain the peace.

     

    The other woman…

    Then, I got pregnant again and this time, I was determined to keep this baby. Kel was happy at the news though later, that changed to anger when I stopped sleeping with him. I had taken the decision to keep my pregnancy safe, to avoid another miscarriage.

    “You do this all the time, denying me my rights! Of what use are you to me, anyway? Or your family? You and your crazy family are completely useless!” he raved. I ignored him and went to sleep in the spare room to avoid a quarrel and possibly another beating.

    He did not bother me about the issue for sometime and I thought he had agreed with me to cool off from sex for a while.

    Unknown to me, he had other plans. I came home one Saturday evening from a visit to my friend Trina to see my husband laughing and talking with a lady in the sitting room. I had never seen her before and wondered who she was.

    “Oh, here you are dear. This is Clarissa, a very good friend of mine. We knew each other back in the States; she’s in the country for a visit and she will be staying with us for a while,” he stated. I greeted her then turned to my husband and motioned for him to follow me to our bedroom.

    “Kel, what is the meaning of this? How can you just bring a guest home without informing me about it?” I queried sharply.

    “So, now I have to take permission from you before inviting my friends home?” he countered.

    “That’s not what I mean. You should have told me she was coming maybe yesterday so I can make preparations. It’s wrong for you to simply bring her home without telling me, your wife beforehand,” I replied.

    “Thank God you know your place, that you are my wife and not my mother. You have no right to question me about this issue. Instead of standing there babbling, go and get the guest room ready. She’s tired after the journey and she needs to rest,” he ordered. I was ready to argue with him on the matter but remembered my father’s words just in time and decided to keep my cool for the sake of peace.

    That was how Clarissa came into our lives. She brought with her a new set of problems to add to the ones I was already battling with. She was the lazy type who did no house chores and expected to be served everything. Even in my condition, she never offered to help with the cleaning, cooking and other chores around the house but left everything to me. All she did all day was paint her nails and face, style her long weave and wear all kinds of skimpy and provocative clothes both at home and while going out. Then, there was her drinking and smoking habits which I found particularly irritating.

    Kel did not see anything wrong with her smoking in the house and told me to stop complaining about it.

    “Stop whining, woman! She’s our guest. Learn to live with her, bad habits and all,” he said.

    I endured, praying she would leave us soon. Then, two weeks after her unexpected arrival, I came home early from work one day as I had a bad headache. The front door was unlocked and as I stepped into the house, I could hear sounds like loud moans from the direction of our bedroom.

    I opened the door and…

    To be continued

     

    Don’t miss the concluding part of Jessica’s tale next Saturday

     

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Jessica, her husband and other individuals in the story

  • Coping as a single dad

    Single parenthood may happen because of death, divorce, separation, abandonment, among others. In spite of the circumstances surrounding the family situation, being a single dad can be very stressful and challenging. By nature, men are different from women in dealing with the issue of raising children.  Therefore, some men find it very difficult to take up the full responsibility of raising their children alone.

    Single dads face a lot of challenges, and their children also encounter problems. Bringing up children can be difficult under any situation and without a partner, the stakes are even higher. Now, the issue is how should single dads deal with the challenges of single parenting?

    Have a good structure in place: Create a daily routine for every member of your family to follow, such as regular time for food, study time, play time and bed time.

    Religion: Get them involved in your religion. Pray with them and make them participate fully in all religious activities. When they grow up, they will not depart from the values you have imparted to them. This will help your children and other members of the family to know what to expect. It will also give you room to have time for other things. In a situation where you have domestic workers or family members assisting you, assign duties and supervise them properly.

    Communication: Maintain a good relationship with your children. Talk with them, not at them, and listen to them when they are talking to you. Interact with them. Be their best friend; let them see you as a dad that they can tell everything, and the only way you can achieve this is by being free with them.  In the case of divorce or separation, always let them understand that it has nothing to do with them because children in dealing with divorce cases always feel that the separation or divorce is as a result of their faults.

    Create family time: Set time aside everyday to have quality dealing with your children. Bonding with your children as a single dad is very important and the only way you can achieve it is by spending time doing things together as family. This will  give you the opportunity to know your children’s individual personalities, their strengths and weaknesses in other areas like academics and so on. Remember to set boundaries as well as consequences involved, if not obeyed. Ensure you follow up, otherwise they will not take you or the boundaries seriously. A law-abiding adult is one who has been taught to have boundaries as a child. Word of caution: set realistic boundaries.

    Role model: Being the only parent makes you their number one role model. Be a good example to your children in every way.  Don’t do anything you don’t want them to do in their presence. Practise what you preach. Children copy their parents because they see them as their role models. If you find yourself, exhibiting behaviour that you don’t want your children to copy , it’s a sign that you should change how you react in certain situations.

    Show affection:  Some know how to express love, while some don’t. Don’t let a day go by without you saying “I love you” to your children. Hug and kiss them to show emotion. A hug for a child often makes him feel loved, safe and able to count on you.

    Make birthdays special: Children are God’s greatest gift to us. Each child is different in how they see themselves and the world around them. All children are gifted- each in his special way. Celebrate their uniqueness and make their birthdays special with affordable resource.

    Praise and reward:  Don’t forget to praise good behaviour because it is as important as discipline. Don’t underestimate the positive effect that your praise can have on your children. Again, be specific when doing your praise. Let them know why you are praising them. Appreciate their efforts and successes, especially in areas where they have struggled.

    Keep yourself healthy: For some dads, separation or divorce, for example, is one of the most stressful life events they ever go through. That pressure may be amplified by custody and financial issues which can bring out the worst in people. So discovering ways to manage your own stress is very essential. Keeping yourself  physically and emotionally healthy  can help combat the effects of stress. You will then be in the best shape to take care of your family.

    Create time for yourself:  Have moments of relaxation, meaning time to do what you enjoy doing. Make out time to kick back and relax.  Rest is very important, especially as a single dad. A good rest will make you feel refreshed.

    Help: Learn to interact with other single dads who have gone through the same situation.  Learn from their experiences. You can also seek the help of a counsellor, therapist, or  friend, if need be.

    Financial struggle and well-being of the children: Because most dads are the breadwinners of their families, the financial responsibility falls mainly on them with little or no assistance from anybody. A  single dad must learn to be able to balance his career or job and the affairs of the children in order to maintain a healthy home.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.

  • Sexual intimacy in marriage

    Thanks for sharing your situation with us. We hope we will be able to provide some tips that will help your marriage, especially in the sexual aspect. What you are going through is not different. Most beginners have the same challenges. From your story, I can see that there is a bit of communication between you and your wife which is a plus. In the beginning, the challenges are great, but trust me, with the right information you will later improve.

    Sexual intimacy in marriage is very important because it is the process whereby husband and wife give in or blend their personalities. It helps them experience together the highest moment in their life of complete oneness. Therefore, understanding how to enjoy sexual intimacy with your spouse is to have a clear knowledge of your spouse’s expectations and how to work towards achieving them. However, being a Christian or Muslim is the more reason while you and your wife should talk about sex freely with  each other.  Almighty God ordains marriage with sex for bonding and procreation. I know full well that there is something powerfully binding that happens when husband and wife makes love. And frankly, it angers Satan because deep down he knows that marriage where sex is treasured and protected is a force to be reckoned with. Yes, he has a more difficult task on his hands when he goes up against a couple that savours being one with each other. Sexuality is a natural and essential part of intimate human partnership. That is why husband and wife who are sexually satisfied are happier and healthier than those who don’t. So to achieve this you must create an atmosphere for intimacy. Remember small changes make big difference. More so marriage is the only platform that you have the licence to explore sexual intimacy with your spouse. That is to say you should do and undo with your spouse.   The following are helpful tips:

    Learn to set the mood: Relax and be free with each other to start with, and then try to engage your wife about your day’s happenings and ask her about her day. Allow her to express herself freely. Laugh over issues with her. As a matter of fact, start being nice to her from morning, so that when it gets to bed time you and your wife are already in a relax mood to enjoy sex.

    Communication: Talk to your spouse; commend her for letting you know that she is not satisfied sexually. Then, ask her what she likes. Also state your likes as well. Let her know that you are in it together and that there is always room for improvement. Discuss the issue freely. Close the conversation with a warm embrace and affectionate kiss.

    Expression: Put the conversation into practice, just like the saying goes “action speaks louder than words”. A sexually satisfied spouse makes a happy home.

    Appreciation: Nothing leads more to gratitude and compliment. Men and women want to be appreciated. They want to be noticed, admired and complimented. When you shower your relationship (wife) with gratitude and good energy of appreciation, your wife will want to be close to you in every aspect.

    Learn to be romantic: To some women, romance or foreplay puts them in the mood. Study your spouse; know what interests her and then incorporate it into your sex life.

    Be spontaneous: Broaden your knowledge. Read books that will educate you more. Be creative. Flow with your feelings. Have no specific time to be intimate with your wife. Surprise her. That way, you can really satisfy her in bed. If you can get her something she likes when she is not expecting it that will be nice.  Always remember that you are married and so two are now one. Like I will say, you now have the licence to enjoy each other sexually. This feeling will definitely help you knock off the feeling that you are not good enough. Instead, it will help you build up your self- esteem.

    Moreover, learn to develop the skill of being able to hold up your sexual urge and help your wife to build up her sexual desire, so that both will be ready to enter into the moment of marital intimacy together (climax). Then, ensure you accompany each other, cuddling lovingly and tenderly until each falls into a calm relaxing sleep in the arms of one another.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com.   You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt message only to 08023058805. Blog; liwh.com.ng

  • He promised me paradise, but all I got was hell! (3)

    He promised me paradise, but all I got was hell! (3)

    KEL came back from work one day, looking very sad. When I asked him what the problem was, he was silent for sometime, not saying anything.

    “Honey, what’s wrong? You have been so quiet since you came home. You barely answered my greeting,” I said when I followed him to the bedroom.

    “There’s no problem,” he said brusquely, taking off his shirt and going into the bathroom. Later, after he had eaten and was relaxing in front of the TV he opened up a bit, stating that it was some issues he had in the office that was bothering him.

    “We lost a huge IT contract to a rival company and my Chairman is mad at everybody,” he said.

    “That’s too bad, dear. Don’t worry too much about it. I bet another one will come,” I said reassuringly. I went to sit besides him on the couch and cuddled up to him, placing my head on his shoulder.

    “Thanks, love. I felt really bad because we put in so much effort for us to get the job, but all was in vain,” Kel stated glumly.

    “As I said, everything will be alright. God will provide another one,” I said. We watched a popular soap opera on TV for a while before retiring to bed.

    Due to the experience I had with my last pregnancy, I was very careful this time around. I avoided things that might pose as a risk such as doing strenuous things like the doctor advised.

    That night in bed, when my husband reached for me, I pushed him away gently, giving the baby as an excuse. By then, I was about five months pregnant.

    It did not go down well with Kel who grumbled about being denied his marital rights.

    “This is the second time you are pushing me away this week. How long will you stop me from making love to you?” he said irritatingly.

    “It’s for the sake of the baby, Kel. I don’t want to lose this one too,” I explained.

    “Excuses, excuses! That’s all you ever give,” he grumbled. He turned his back on me and soon I could hear him snoring softly.

    The contract

    About three months later, I was in the kitchen preparing dinner when Kel came home from work. He was earlier than usual and I could see a glint in his eyes that he normally had when he had great news to tell.

    It turned out his company was involved in a bidding for a contract with a major Telecoms outfit in the country.

    “It’s the same company where your Uncle Thomas is a director,” he announced. Uncle Thomas was one of my late mother’s brothers. He was quite wealthy and had been very good to my siblings and I after our Mum’s death.

    “That’s good. I pray you will win this one. God will use this contract to compensate for the last one you lost,” I prayed.

    “Thanks for your prayers, dear. But we also need your Uncle’s support to facilitate things for us,” he said.

    “What do you mean?” I asked.

    He shrugged.

    “Well, since he is one of the directors, we could ask him to put in a word for my company; that will definitely give us an edge over our competitors,” he said.

    I shook my head before stating:

    “I don’t think it’s a good idea. You know how Uncle Thomas is; he is a very strict and straight forward man and likes following the proper procedures when doing things especially when it comes to official matters. Remember what happened to Mike,” I stated. Mike was one of my brothers who had applied for a job in my Uncle’s company along with other applicants to fill some vacancies. Despite Uncle Thomas’s position in the company, Mike did not get the job, much to his annoyance. Later, on being asked why his nephew had failed to secure the job, my uncle had explained that he did not perform up to the required standard the company demanded.

    ‘The fact that he is my nephew is not an automatic license for his getting a job in the company. He failed in the interview. Period,’ he had told me back then.

    “So, dear, I don’t think you should put too much hope on my uncle for his assistance. The best thing is to ensure your company puts in a strong bid and with luck on your side, you will win the contract,” I said.

    But Kel still persisted on going through Uncle Thomas, stating that the contract was too important to leave to chance.

    “We really need to win this contract. The Chairman has given us a mandate to do all it takes to win it and if that includes seeing your uncle over it, then we have to do that. He has even promised to make me the M.D of the company if we clinch the contract. You know the present M.D will be leaving us soon. So, dear, let’s meet Uncle Thomas, ok?”

    I was still not convinced but not to make it look as if I did not want to help, I conceded to his demand.

    ***

    As I had predicted, Uncle Thomas was unwilling to involve himself in the bidding process, stating ethical reasons.

    “We have foreign affiliations and our bidding process follows the high standards of our foreign partners. So, I cannot influence it. Besides, I believe in fairplay for all the parties involved in the bid. Jessica, you should have explained the situation to your husband, that it’s something I can’t do. If you are lucky to win the bid, then I can help with facilitating payment of the money or anything to do with the execution of the contract. But till then, all I can do is wish you goodluck,” he said with finality.

    Kel was unhappy with my Uncle’s stance, believing it was selfish on his part not to assist him, his niece’s husband.

    I tried to pacify him, stating that his company might get the job considering the strong bid they had put in. Unfortunately, my optimism was misplaced. Kel’s company lost the bid to a rival. That evening when he came home from work, he looked furious and barely acknowledged my greeting on entering the house.

    He blamed the loss of the contract on my uncle, pointing out that if he had put in a little effort on his behalf, the contract would have been theirs.

    “Your Uncle is such a wicked person. A simple thing to do to help a family member is too much for him. What kind of man is that? Selfish bastard!” he stated angrily.

    I took exception to his calling my uncle names over a matter that he had no control over and when I told Kel that, he got even angrier. This led to a full blown quarrel between us, one of the biggest quarrels since our marriage.

    “Stop blaming my Uncle for your failure! There was nothing he could do about the bid and he explained it to you. The man is innocent. And stop calling him names! He’s not your mate, remember?” I said equally angry.

    “So, are you now calling me a failure? How dare you!” he shouted at me. He then slapped me and grabbed my neck in a vice choke. I tried to scream, struggling to extricate myself from his grip but it was nearly impossible as he was much stronger than me.

    Then, abruptly, he flung me against the wall and I slid to the floor. I must have fainted for when I woke up, I was in…

    To be continued…

     

    What next? Details next Saturday!

    We welcome comments/suggestions from readers. All correspondence should be sent to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Jessica, her husband and other individuals in the story.

    Names have been changed to protect the identity of Jessica and other individuals in the story.

  • What to know before you say I do

    Marriage, as we know, is a beautiful institution ordained by God, a life time commitment. To me, it is  a learning institution. The difference is that there is no graduation day. Picture this with me, two persons from different backgrounds with different values and ideology coming together to live as one bringing a truck load of relatives with different character. In our society, for instance, you are not just married to your spouse, but to his/her entire family. That is why before you go into marriage, you have to be very sure, to some extent, of the person and all there is to know. Marriages are suffering today because people went into marriage for the wrong reasons. To some,  it a mere social contract that is for better for stay, for worse for leave. They walk out of marriage,  if and when it is not profitable. Others see it as an organized forum for child bearing and rearing. Only a few are actually in it for love.  In dealing with this issue of what to know before marriage, I will like to share a question that I was asked on my blog.

    “I am in a relationship with a lady I love so much and I will like to spend the rest of my life with, but from the look of things, I am confused. I got to know some basic things in the cause of asking questions since I have the plan of proposing to her in no time. I prayed about it.  She is just my ideal woman, but for a few days, from her attitude, I have this bad feeling in my heart, something is telling me that there is more for me to know before I take the marriage step, more so, I have suspicion that she is seeing someone as well.  What should I do? “

    We do admit that finding out unexpected information about someone you love dearly and want to spend the rest of your life with can be devastating. The feeling of heaviness that you are experiencing is actually common with situation like this, likewise the suspicion that she might be seeing someone else (assumption). Information is very powerful. It makes or destroys a relationship. The source of your information must be verified before taking action.

    However, it is very important to note that marriage is a serious affair and must be treated with all seriousness in order to avoid complaints and regrets which can lead to other marital problems, including divorce.   As a result, duration of courtship should not be neglected. To some, short period is appropriate, while to others, it is not. The importance of a proper courtship in a relationship is that it provides a great level of openness which will lead to authentic knowledge of each other base on love, trust and faith.  The questions that come to mind are: how long can you claim to know your girl well enough within this period to propose to her? Are the hours you spend with each other sufficient for a clear understanding of one another? How often do you visit each other?  Base on the situation at hand, the first step is confrontation in a nice and calm manner. You need answers to the worries of your heart and the only way you can be at peace is actually getting clarification from your girlfriend.So arrange an outing with her. Without discussion or rather talking about the issue on ground, you will keep hurting yourself and this can affect other area of your relationship with her. Things that never use to count will now be seen as a big issue. There will be no genuine reasons for her action henceforth. Bearing this in mind, we will like to share few guides on what to consider before proposing. Hope you will find them useful.

    Personality check: how well do you know yourself (self-evaluation).  Knowing you and making yourself right for the right person. Honesty is the key to personality check, so before you start searching for the right person, spend time to work on your challenges. Trust me, some of us are always in denials about issues that affect us, for example, you know there is a problem with certain areas concerning you. Why pretending as if it is not an issue.Aaccept it and work on it.

    For every action there is a reason behind it, so what is your “WHY”. As a matter of fact, for you to want to propose to someone you must have your reason, so what is your reason. This question is very important. The numbers of divorces, separations and domestic violent occurrences are as a result of people getting married for the wrong reasons. People get into marriage for different reasons just as we mentioned earlier and this colour their expectations and fuel their fears. You must be able to know your purpose because a clear understanding of your ‘WHY’ for the marriage will determine the success of the union. More on the reasons; some propose due to pressure; it can be personal, friends and family. Pressure can actually lead to a wrong choice.  Another reason may be to satisfy a particular need, could be financial, emotional, sexual or self-esteem (feeling worthwhile).Other reasons may be trying to feel an emotional vacuum after a break-up, looking for an escape because of a bad home lifestyle or crisis pregnancy.  Moving on, there are also practical and basic issues for you to consider as well, before marriage.

    What is your relationship with this person? How well can you say you know this person. Is the person your best friend? Are you free about everything with this person? Do you want to see this person regularly. Are you really happy with this person? If you have been physically involved with this person, it will be nice if you can step back a bit to evaluate the relationship because physical intimacy clouds our judgment.

    Are you on the same page with your friend? Do you have a common ground with this person. What are your differences about raising a family, monetary aspect, extended families, careers and friends? This is the time to be honest about it.

    Habits: Are there traces of destructive habits to marriage and family, such as excessive drinking, anger, violence, drugs, self-centeredness, infidelity and so on. Other aspects to be considered are personality type, family background, cultural and religious aspects.

    Finally, taking the bold step of marriage is not an easy task.  It requires a lot of homework. You will need to weigh a lot of things, pray about them and then make a decision because once you make the right choice, you will learn to tolerate each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com.   You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt message only to 08023058805. Blog; liwh.com.ng