The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • The accident (3)

    The accident (3)

    She gazed at me in amazement at my words.

    “A what?” she asked.

    “A P.A. Can you work as my personal assistant?” I repeated my question in case she didn’t hear me properly the first time.

    To my surprise, she burst out laughing.

    “What’s so funny? I’m offering you a job and all you can do is laugh?” I queried curtly.

    She shook her head.

    “Don’t get me wrong, Bari,” she stated. “It’s the whole idea that I find funny. I told you earlier that I didn’t finish school so how can I then work as a P.A? I’m sure you work in a very big firm. And having never worked in a corporate environment before, I will feel out of place and maybe make a lot of mistakes…”

    I placed a finger on my lips to shut her up.

    “It’s ok. I understand how you feel. You feel insecure, with little self-confidence because of what you went through. But it’s time you put the past behind you and forged on with life. You are still young so you can have a fresh start. Learn to believe in yourself and there’s nothing you can’t achieve. And I will be there to help you all the way,” I assured her.

    She was silent for a while as she stared down at her hands in her lap.

    Then she looked up at me.

    “Alright, then,” she said quietly. “And thanks so much for your kindness,” she added softly.

    I smiled at her.

    “That’s alright. Just work hard so I don’t regret hiring you,” I said.

    “I will! So when do I start? And what does the job entail?” she asked excitedly.

    Two weeks later, Flora resumed for work at my office. It was an international aid organization that did a lot of projects in the country especially in the rural areas. As a projects director, I had to oversee the various projects we were doing, meet with the beneficiaries and other things. It involved my traveling out of station frequently and I needed someone to co-ordinate all my activities.

    “There was a lady doing the job before but she left recently to join her husband in the US,” I told Flora on her first day at work. She had showed up looking very smart in an ash-colored skirt suit with black shoes to match. She looked even more beautiful than usual.

    “This is the kind of work you will be doing…” I said, briefing her on her duties.

    “My secretary, Mary will make arrangements for an office space for you,” I said when I was through. “Do you know how to use a computer?” I asked her as she made to leave my office.

    “Yes, sir. My sister, Janet has one. She taught me how to use it,” she replied.

    “Good,” I stated nodding.

    “And Flora,” I said. “You don’t have to be so formal with me now, because we are in the office. You can continue to call me by my name as you’ve always done.”

    “But I can’t do that, sir. This is an office and it won’t be right if I call my boss by name. It will sound rude,” she noted.

    “Ok. But you will stop being so formal once we are outside these premises, won’t you?” I said.

    She nodded.

    “Alright, then. Go and meet Mary to sort out your office space and see me later,” I stated, turning on the computer on my desk to begin work.

    Nikki

    “So, how are you enjoying your new job? Hope my darling here is not overworking you, giving you too much stress,” stated Nikki to Flora. Nikki was my girlfriend. We had broken up about a year before when she found out about another girl I was seeing also. We had been back together for four months now and she was already talking about our settling down.

    We were at my house having dinner, nearly five months after Flora began work. In that period, she had really impressed me with her capacity for hard work and her eagerness to learn. I had no regrets hiring her but I was curious to know how she felt about working with me.

    “I love the job. And Bari has been very good to me,” she said, turning to smile at me.

    “Ah, don’t be so diplomatic. You can say the truth, call him a slave master or whatever! He won’t fire you!” Nikki said teasingly.

    Flora laughed at that and I joined in too. It was good to see her looking so cheerful and confident, so unlike the girl I first met about six months earlier. It was a Friday and she was dressed casually in a light blue top and pair of jeans. Her long hair was combed up and packed in a knot at the back, a style that suited her well as it showed off her lovely face in all its glory.

    “Yes? You were saying something?” I said, tearing my gaze from Flora to Nikki who was talking about something that happened at her office earlier that day…

    “Flora’s really beautiful,” Nikki commented. It was about an hour later. My driver had taken Flora home and Nikki and I were relaxing in the living room. I sat sipping a drink while she was stretched out on the couch, her head on my lap.

    “And she still looks so fresh. It’s hard to believe she’s been married and even had kids!” she added in a wondering tone.

    I glanced down at her.

    “You talk as if she’s a hundred years old. She’s still young. Just 26 or thereabouts,” I stated.

    “Beauty and brains,” Nikki noted. “You like her, don’t you?” she asked unexpectedly, looking up at me.

    “Of course I do! Like a younger sister,” I replied promptly.

    “But you don’t look at her like a brother would a sister. I see the way your eyes follow her, like that of …,” she began then stopped speaking.

    “What are you talking about? Don’t tell me you are jealous of the poor girl?” I queried.

    “Do you blame me? Look at the way she looks! And she’s with you all day long…” she noted.

    I began to laugh.

    “You think this is a joke?” she said with annoyance, sitting up and glaring at me.

    “You women are all the same! Too jealous! Flora’s just my P.A. I gave her the job because I felt sorry for her maybe because of the circumstances under which we met and her situation with her estranged husband. The poor girl has really suffered. Her life story is really pathetic. So, you have nothing to fear from her or any other woman. Trust me!” I said.

    “You mean that?” she said with an imploring look in her eyes.

    “Yes, my jealous darling!” I said. Then jumping up, I put a Cd in the sound system and soon, the plaintive sound of Enrique Inglesias’ hit tune ‘Hero’ filled the room.

    “Come on, baby! Dance with me!” I said, holding my arms out to her.

    She came then and I held her close to me. As we swayed to the music, her perfume filled my nostrils. But all I could think about was a lady in a blue top and jeans that showed off her rounded hips and a smile that could light up a dark room…

     

    Watch out for the concluding part of this series next week!

     

    Names have been changed to protect the narrator’s identity.

    Send comments/advice to psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • The accident (2)

    By this time, the rain had reduced to a slight drizzle and it was nearly sunset. We couldn’t sit in the car all day talking so I started the engine and drove to an eatery not too far away from my home at Ikeja. I ordered for a drink while Flora, who said she was hungry asked for some food.

    “You are sure your head is ok? You are not feeling any pain?” I enquired glancing at her head which was covered in a headscarf.

    “I’m fine. Stop worrying,” she said looking up at the waiter who had brought the food.

    I watched her closely as she ate. She looked up then, saw me looking at her and smiled.

    “Want some?” she asked, offering me a piece of chicken.

    I shook my head.

    “I’m ok. I ate at my friend’s place,” I told her.

    “Is she a girlfriend? she enquired. “I see you are not married,” she added, glancing at my left hand.

    “You are right. I’m still single. But she’s just a friend,” I stated. That was not the whole truth but more about that later…

    “Anyway,” I began. “We are not here to talk about my love life. You were supposed to tell me about your husband,” I pointed out.

    The animated look on her face disappeared then and she sat, staring gloomily into her plate.

    Seeing the sad look on her face and fearing she might start crying again, I said softly:

    “It’s ok if you don’t want to talk about it. I’ll understand.”

    “No. I’m fine,” she stated, looking calmly at me.

    Then after taking a sip of water, she began to speak. And this was her story:

    She was in her second year at the university when her father died. Her mother had passed away some years earlier during childbirth. The baby, Patricia had lived and the bereaved family had tried to raise the little motherless child as best it could. “My dad really tried. He refused to remarry though there were opportunities for him to do so. He said he didn’t want another woman to come and spoil the love and unity in the family. You see, we were a very close-knit family, my siblings- four of us- and our dad. I have an older brother Michael who lives abroad, though we don’t know if he’s still alive as we’ve not heard from him for some years now.”

    After her dad died, she said, things became tough for the family. “Michael and I were at Uni then,” she explained. “Though my elder sister, Janet had left school, she had not started working as she was planning to go for her Masters degree. With our dad’s death, everything was affected- our education, lifestyle and other things. My dad worked as a senior manager in a big manufacturing company and though we were not swimming in money, we were at least comfortable. We had inherited some money from him but that ran out in no time. When things became really tough, we had to seek help from relatives. None was willing to help except for an aunt, one of my mother’s sisters. She had a successful business and was doing quite well.

    “She agreed to pay my school fees and that of Michael who was by then in his third year. She kept to her promise and helped with our education. Among her various businesses was a restaurant. During the holidays, due to my aunty’s promptings, I began helping out there. If I had known, I should have stayed away from that place because of what happened later.”

    At this point, she stopped speaking and took a drink of water.

    “Do you want anything else? Let me order for some soft drinks…” I stated but she shook her head.

    “I’m ok,” she said and began to speak once more.

    The restaurant, she stated was a fairly large one and quite popular. “It was always filled with customers, especially male ones who often came in expensive-looking cars which they parked across the road in an undeveloped plot of land. Initially, I thought they came just for the food which was quite good. It was later I discovered it was for something else as well. A lot of girls worked at the place and most times, some just hung around doing nothing. They would be in one of the rooms in the building, chatting, fixing their make-up or doing their hair. Whenever I told my aunty how they were lazing around doing nothing, she would tell me to ignore them and face my duties. “Just mind your business,” she had told me.

    “I helped with the accounts as my aunt said I was good with figures. Then one night, I had to help out serving the customers as we were short of waitresses. That opened my eyes to the other aspect of the business. After their meals, some of the male customers would leave with a girl or even two and they would not return. I observed this most nights and I began to have my suspicions which were confirmed by one of the girls who worked in the kitchen. “They take the girls out to sleep with them after paying Madam. It has been going on for years,” she whispered to me.

    In other words, my aunt was running a prostitution racket, using the restaurant as a front! I was shocked because I had always seen her as a decent person who would never be involved in something like that. But you could never tell with people. Later, she tried to involve me in her evil deeds. After serving them, some of the customers would ask for me, saying: “Where is that fine girl? Call her for me!”

    “They made all kinds of offers- lots of money, trips abroad, any car of my choice. But I wasn’t interested and I made it clear to them. When it came to my aunty’s notice that I was rejecting her customers, she was not happy. She accused me of being stubborn and trying to ruin her business. “Mind you, its from this business that I pay your school fees and that of your siblings. So, you better cooperate or you will have to look for another sponsor,” she threatened me. I still refused the men’s advances.

    But something happened one day to change all that. There was this man who was really persistent. Larry was his name and he was a regular customer who came nearly everyday. The more he pestered me, the more I turned him down. Then one day, I heard he gave a very large sum of money to my aunt so he could have me. My aunt told me I either complied or she would no longer have anything to do with our education. I was more concerned about my brother who was already in his final year then. What if he was forced to drop out of school due to lack of sponsorship at that stage in his education? It would be my fault. I could never forgive myself for that. So, because of my aunty’s threats and maybe my age then- I was just 18- I succumbed. I began to date Larry and to be fair to him, he treated me well at the beginning. He was a rich businessman and was unmarried. Larry became responsible for my education and upkeep. The only condition was that I was not to date any other person as long as we were together as he loved me too much to share me with any other man.

    About six months later, I found out I was pregnant and when I told Larry, he said we should get married. I was against it as I was still in school and I felt my education would be disrupted if I had a baby. But he assured me that I could always return to school after the baby was born. My aunt and even my sister Janet said the same thing. “School will always be there but good men like Larry are hard to find,” they told me. I took their advice and married Larry. I had my daughter Ivy soon after that. And before I could think of returning to school, I was pregnant again with my second child.

    I had to put my education on hold so I could take care of my children. Besides, by this time, I was having problems in my marriage. Larry, to my shock changed from the loving, caring man I dated. He began to drink heavily, often came home late and would beat me without provocation. I tried to reason with him but it was no use. There was a night he beat me so hard, I became unconscious and it was the neighbours who had to take me to the hospital.

    When I recovered and returned home, I found another woman in the house. Larry threw me out, stating he had married someone else who would give him sons as I had only female children in my womb! I had to move in with my sister with my children.

    He took everything away including the car he bought for me, though we had been together for eight years.

    “That was six months ago. He doesn’t even care about the children’s welfare or their education. That morning of the accident, I had gone to see him at home concerning Ivy’s school fees as she attends an expensive private school. He chased me out, saying he didn’t have money to train ‘those brats’ as he called his own kids. I was really upset. I just walked along the road not really seeing where I was going, thinking about my life and how badly things had turned out for me when you hit me.”

    She stopped speaking then and just sat staring glumly down at the table. I felt really sorry for her after listening to her tale. ‘What kind of man would do this to a beautiful lady like this, his own wife?’ I thought as I gazed at her.

    “It’s really sad that such things happened to you at such a young age,” I told her softly, reaching across the table to take her hand in mine.

    She looked up then and shrugged.

    “That’s life. Full of ups and downs,” she noted. “My main concern now are my children. I’ve been looking for a job so I can earn some money to take care of them. But it’s been tough as they always ask for qualifications and I didn’t finish school; I dropped out because of my children.”

    I thought about what she said.

    “If it’s a job you want, I have something in mind. Can you…?

    To be continued

    What did Bari say to Flora concerning her job search? Details next Saturday!

    Send comments to psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • Dealing with forgiveness in relationship

    Good day Harriet, Please, I want to learn how to forgive people because my problem is that I really don’t know how to forgive. This was a big problem in my previous relationship which I regret daily. I hope for another chance. Because of this, I will like you to throw more light on the issue of forgiveness. I need it seriously.

    Kingsley  A., Port-Harcourt.

     

    In some ways people have wronged us or we have wronged people, either through words or actions. Forgiveness is when the person that is hurt has decided to let go after an apology has been made. It is a personal decision to let go the pain caused by the action. Forgiveness makes you feel relief. It’s like a heavy weight has been lifted off your heart. Don’t forget when you bear grudges, you are actually the person that is putting his health in danger. Therefore, when you forgive, you are helping yourself. It makes way for kindness and compassion. It reduces anxiety, stress and hostility. It helps to reduce the intake of alcohol and abusive substances to ease off the pain, hurt or situation. Forgiving the person does not make the offence right or that you accept the wrong action. It is a way of peace with yourself and the person.

    How to forgive and let go: Sometimes, we find it difficult to let go, despite the fact that we claim to have forgiven our offender. Like some people will say: ‘I can forgive but I cannot forget’. To forget what was said or the action that was carried out or pretend that it never happened is not true because the word or action indeed took place. To let go which is regarded as forgetting, the following steps should be put into consideration: Talk about how the word or action has affected you. It could be your friend, your family member, your worker and so on. Make your message clear; pour out your emotion freely.

    Avoid violence because it is not the best way of resolving issue. Don’t be in denial. Tell the person your pain, bitterness and resentment. On the other hand, if writing them down will make you feel better, why not. The main issue here is that you need to let it out from your mind, so that you can get rid of the whole issue faster and move on. Because the sooner you forgive and let go, the better for you as a person. As a matter of fact, think right, speak right and act right;

    Think right: Changing your perspective about the person is very important.  Release the person from your heart, let go off the part of you that hates the other person or wishes him or her harm, dead or failure because if you keep holding on to these negative feelings, then it will affect your own life and make it hard for you to find happiness. Remember nobody is allowed to make you unhappy unless you allow it.

    Speak right: Discuss your hurt or pain freely. Let the person know how much pain their actions or words have caused you. Some people might not realize their offences until they are told. We differ in our personality, so when we say speak right, it simply means talk about the matter, iron things out freely, accept apology and let go. Don’t talk about the issue again since you have forgiven the person.

    Act right: Let your action shows that you have forgiven. When you see the person, try to be normal, agree it might not be the same immediately, depending on the offence, but let’s face it, you have decided to forgive the person, so to let go, show kindness to the person. Your action in the long run is what tells if you have actually “let go”. There’s a popular saying that “action speaks louder than words”. Make the person feel welcome. Don’t bring up the issue again, even when the person out of guilty is working hard to gain your trust again. Try not to make reference to the past. Kindly discourage and reassure the person that the issue is bygone. However, focus on the goals you want to meet in future that will improve your life instead of spending energy and time worrying over how somebody has wronged you. Continue to work on yourself. Improve those things you want to work on and see how much better you feel as you become a more caring, compassionate, well-rounded person. You have made a choice to forgive and forget. You should be proud of yourself for taking such a step not minding whether the person deserves it or not. The truth is that some people cannot change no matter what you say or do, simply because of their mindset. There are people who have certain ways of doing things, not putting others into consideration. So the only way to forgive such people when they  hurt you is to learn to understand and tolerate them.

    On the other hand, if you decide to hold a grudge, the effect is that you might pay the price repeatedly without knowing it by bringing bitterness and anger into every relationship and new experience you encounter because of your action. In some cases, your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you cannot enjoy the present which can affect your health. As Ann Landers said: “Hate is like an acid. It damages the vessel in which it is stored and destroys the vessel on which it is poured”.  Forgive and let go so that you can move on with your life. It gives you a clear understanding of different personalities, appreciating people strength and weaknesses.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Forming and sustaining a healthy relationship

    GOOD morning Harriet, Thank you for enriching us with your words of advice. May God continue to fill you with knowledge and wisdom. Please, I need you to counsel me on how to form and sustain a healthy relationship.

    Mr. Charles. N., Abuja

     

    FORMING a healthy relationship is one thing, and sustaining it is another great challenge that people face. Relationship generally is one aspect in life that is ongoing; we interact with people all the time, starting from our family members to friends, colleagues at work and so on. Forming a healthy relationship is one aspect that must not be taking for granted. There are certain qualities that must be considered before going into a relationship in the first place.  Some people, for instance, complain that their partners have changed after marriage.

    The truth is that the signs were there from the beginning, but the person involved has a mindset that she or he will change after marriage. The fact is that you can only change yourself and not your partner or spouse, though your new ways and attitude towards your spouse or partner might cause him or her to change. One aspect we must note is that we are of different backgrounds, personalities and ideologies, so the only way we can form a healthy relationship with others is to first understand these facts and know that you must give what you want to get. Our needs change with time, therefore, if you would like to feel understood, try being more understanding. If you want to feel more loved, try giving more love as well.

    Relationship is an investment like a bank account, so what you put is what you get. The big question is how to sustain a healthy relationship bearing in mind that there are several factors that might be affecting the relationship. These factors can be traced from different aspects. It could be internal or external, depending on the individual involved. Sometimes it could be as a result of unresolved issues which need to be solved. Other factors are: Effective communication: Being able to communicate effectively minimizes points of friction and makes conflict resolution easier. As we know, communication is actually a life wire of every relationship. It is the fuel on which the engine of relationship runs; it is a building block of intimacy.

    Communication involves how we express our thoughts, ideas and feelings to others. Through verbal or non-verbal communication, we convey our attitudes, values, priorities and beliefs. But for effective communication to be achieved, you need to bear the following in mind: Communication is not complete, if the message is not clear. The receiver must listen to get a clear message because most of the time, people can hear people talk, but they are not listening in order to get the right message. To sustain a healthy relationship, you need to listen more and talk less. As obvious as this may seem, many couples, for example, are not very good at communicating effectively, while those who are able to openly express their feelings in an emotionally safe environment typically deals with situations as they come up and avoid burying frustrations which always have a way of coming out at some point.

    In addition, the aspect of a good role model cannot be neglected simply because your upbringing forms who you are. If you grow up in a home where domestic violence is the language of the day, that will affect the way you relate with people even your loved ones. You can only give love, care and tolerance when you have it or when you are raised in such a manner.  Moreover is the aspect of “what” which can be seen as the initial attraction. From time to time, it is good to remind yourself what attracted you to that person. What is your common interest? Having different interests shows that you have an exciting life which might be rewarding which does not leave you with dull moments. In such cases, it is not compulsory that your partner or spouse must share in your interests, but it is very vital that you have some that are common to you. This takes us to our next tip: expectation. Be realistic in your expectations. Some people have out-of-this-world expectations, forgetting that we are human and that no one is perfect. Tolerate what you cannot change; know that we cannot be the same and that everybody has his strengths and weaknesses just like you. Sustaining a healthy relationship takes hard work. It doesn’t just happen.

    Common goal:  Working towards a common goal that will benefit both partners, for example, will not only support their commitments, but also serve to deepen their feeling of intimacy and connectedness.

    Decision making: To form and sustain a healthy relationship, the other person must be allowed to make his or her own contribution. Once you have decided to go into a relationship, you must recognize that it cannot be “ I” always in your relationship, but “we”. Learn to respect the other person’s opinion, even when you don’t agree with it.

    Anger: This is said to be a relationship killer, if it not managed properly because it makes you self absorbed and prevents you to see the good aspect of situation. Dealing with people with anger does not solve anything. If you notice you are angry, kindly give yourself time to calm down before discussing or taking any decision.

    Financial issues: Although money is not everything in relationship, it could make or unmake a home, if not handled properly. Money is the roots of most problems in marriage. From the onset, it is important to bring the issue of money on the table openly. Talk about your earnings, your spending habit, how you want to apportion money for running the home and savings and so on. If you are able to discuss your finances easily, then you will be able to handle challenges as they come.

    Self evaluation: This is another aspect that is very important. It is the ability to tell yourself the truth, if you are at fault or not.

    In conclusion, to form and sustain a healthy relationship is a choice. Choose to care about ways of developing your techniques, so that you can have a longer and stronger relationship.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Unfaithfulness in relationship

    TALKING generally on unfaithfulness in a relationship, I think women have the upper hand, but they can be very discreet about it.

    It could take years, if not eternity for her spouse to know that she’s cheating. But men are not so very good at covering up such loopholes.

    And I think this has to do with the fact that women really devote more time for their spouse more than their male counterparts. They monitor their movements, calls, text messages and even going to extent of constantly searching his pockets just to check for evidence to nail him.

    Some women who are in doubt of their husbands’ fidelity go as far as trying to perceive the smell of the perfumes on their clothes every time they return from work to cross-check, if they have deviated from the ones they wear in the morning to expensive feminine colognes.

    Just like the saying that when women suspect their men are cheating, they do investigations more than the FBI.

    Funnily enough, when we snoop out something fishy and suspicious, we stir up a serious quarrel that might lead to a fight, but at the end of the whole drama, we still remain “unmoved”.

    Others who feel more threatened with the workers or staff around their husbands, always see one flimsy excuse or the other to lurk around his working place or office like an overprotective lioness watchful of any “unfriendly” being to attack.

    But if a woman finds herself caught in the web of infidelity, she does everything humanly possible to make her affairs a top secret. I’ll also give it to the women for their great skills in lying. Men are liars, but women are better and smarter ones.

    One assignment I would give to all married and about-to-married couple is to make sure they play their cards well because for a man or women to cheat on his or her spouse, there must have been a leakage from either of the parties. They could probably be some things you are not doing right, neglecting or overdoing.

    If I were you (the wife), instead of going on the street or marketplace to wage war against those “husband snatchers”, I would rather go back to my drawing board and sort out that big hole where the water that is “rocking” your marriage infiltrated from.

    Maybe you’re no longer doing it right; I mean those wacky and funky things you do that trip him and drive him wild- especially in sex related areas. You suddenly sub-peddled, believing that you have succeeded in capturing him for life. My dear, you have to put in a lot of effort to get what you want, but still have to work harder to maintain, sustain and retain it.

    You are so relaxed and gulps down anything edible  that comes your way and had deviated from the sexy looking chic he married into a “rounded unattractive fellow”, alias Orobo. You no longer value your personal hygiene and charms.

    Worse still, you would leave your hair so unkempt or old, worn out and smelly, adopting the I-don’t- care attitude for those little things that mattered and you expect your darling husband to hang on and keep putting up with the absurd behaviour of yours.

    Put on your thinking cap, woman. Men are not easy to have for keeps these days. If you doubt me, ask desperate single ladies who have turned into night clawers, visiting one native doctor or the other, seeking for solutions to their marital status.

    I know it’s not easy combining the jobs of a mother, wife and worker or trader, but your primary objective should be how to take good care of your home- yourself inclusive.

    You can hold your husband down by spicing up your sex lives on daily basis. Learn different styles and positions from books,the internet or wherever and practise them with your hubby. Show him the real stuff you are made of. You can also form the habit of buying that skimpy, sexy night wear. Those nights, you observe that he’s in a good mood; you surprisingly put it on for him- for his eyes only. Make him grow goose pimples anytime he remembers you in his office. Even when he’s not in town, the thoughts of you would be over him and he would hurry up with whatever official engagement that took him out there, dash back to you for another treat.

    In fact, all women have all it takes to make both the head of their husband and that of its third leg, spin and jubilate whenever the thought of you crosses their minds.

    Our men are very caring and lovable, but what you get from them also depends on how you treat them or what you have to offer. It’s a give-and-take kind of relationship.

    So, my dear sisters, if your husband or partner is important to you, then keep him at home with your good manner, good food, crazy sex styles, personal and general hygiene, good communication skills and top of it all, prayer.

    Learn to pray for your husband and household every day and time. He needs it. Temptations would come, but he’ll surpass them all.

    Give him a good home not just a magnificent empty house devoid of peace, love and fun. You can THANK ME later.

  • The torn veil (3)

    DENNIS was busy entertaining some friends of his who had come visiting when I arrived his house that Sunday evening. We were supposed to go out on an outing but I was not in the mood. So, after his guests left, I took him by the hand and led him to his bedroom.

    He looked up at me askiance as I stood, gazing down at him.

    “What’s the matter, Meg? You look so serious! Did anything happen?”

    “That’s what I want to know. What’s with you and my Mum?” I queried.

    “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, looking at me quizzically.

    “I want to know what you’ve done to her that she seems to dislike you so much! That she doesn’t want you around me! What is it?” I demanded.

    He shrugged.

    “I don’t have a clue. Perhaps you should ask her…” he stated.

    “Please don’t give me that! I know there’s something going on and I want the truth!” I was determined to get to the root of the matter no matter what it took.

    Dennis was silent for a while, then he said quietly:

    “I think it will be better if you ask your mother. She will explain things to you better.”

    “Explain what?” I asked, my curiosity piqued.

    But no matter how much I pressed him, he refused to speak more on the matter.

     

    The revelation

    Back home, I confronted my mother as soon as I stepped in through the front door. We had the house to ourselves as my father was at a meeting and Harry was at the home of a friend  who lived on our street.

    Initially, she was reluctant to speak but on seeing the determined look in my eyes, she later opened up.

    What she told me shocked me to the core of my being.

    “It happened over ten years ago,” she began softly. “It was that time your dad travelled abroad for a course his company sent him for. Remember?” she stated.

    I did. I had finished secondary school and was preparing to go to the university.

    I nodded, impatient for her to continue.

    “When your dad left, I missed him terribly. I felt so lonely without him. To add to my loneliness, you were away on campus and your brothers, Joe and Paul were in boarding school. Harry was not born then. I’m not trying to make excuses for my behaviour but just to give you an idea of what made me do it.”

    She paused briefly then continued:

    “I met Dennis one evening on my way from work. My car had a flat tyre. I was standing by the car confused and wondering what to do as I didn’t know how to change a tyre when this young man came up to me. He helped with the tyre and out of gratitude, I gave him a ride home. His office back then was close to where I used to work before my resignation. So, after work, I would wait for him to close and I would drop him at home. That was how we became friends. And before long, it developed into something else and we became lovers.”

    I just stood gaping at her as the words sank into my mind. Was this real or a dream? Was this really my mother, a woman I loved and respected more than any other person on earth confessing to an affair? With my fiance? Was she really telling me she had cheated on her husband, my dad while he was away? But she was still speaking…

    “I know, Meg that this must come to you as a shock. I don’t know what came over me that made me do it. It was temptation and I guess I was too weak to resist. You are now a woman and you can understand these things,” she stated. She added that she ended things with Dennis when my Dad returned to Nigeria.

    She then said that because of the affair with Dennis, I could not continue with the relationship with him and should call off the wedding.

    I gazed at her as she spoke, my mouth turned up in what must look like disgust to her. It was bad enough her cheating on my dad with my fiancé. Now she was even justifying her bad actions!

    “Mum, how could you do that to dad? Don’t you have any conscience? Don’t you know it’s a big offense in our culture for a married woman to have an affair outside her matrimonial home? How could you?” I raved at her, getting increasingly worked up.

    The thought of my mother with my beloved fiancé, the man I loved so much and wanted to marry was nearly driving me crazy. After I had screamed and ranted at her, I stormed up to my room and began packing. I couldn’t bear the thought of continuing to live under the same roof with such a woman who could betray her husband so cheaply. To the outside world, my Mum presented this veneer of respectability of a married woman. She covered herself with a moral veil, as if she could do no wrong. This was a woman who was always advising me about men, not to be loose and to respect myself. See what she had done!

    The veil was torn now, revealing her true face!

    I called my friend Pat to come and pick me up. As I was throwing my clothes and other stuff into my suitcase, my Mum came into my room. She looked surprised to see what I was doing.

    “What are you doing?” she queried.

    “What does it look like?” I countered angrily.

    “Don’t tell me you are moving out of the house! It’s late. Where will you go by this time of the night?” she stated.

    I didn’t care where I went as long as she was not there.

    As I dragged my large suitcase downstairs and made for the front door, my mother kept begging me not to go, that I should stay so we could sort out things.

    “Please don’t go, my daughter! What will your father say when he hears you have packed out of the house?” she said, holding onto my hand.

    I shook her hand off. That was her problem not mine. She caused the whole mess and she should clean it up.

    A few days later, Dennis came to see me at my friend’s place where I was staying temporarily. I was still angry at what they had done but after he spoke to me, I calmed down a bit.

    “I was young and stupid then. It was all so long ago. Please honey, don’t let what happened in the past between your Mum and I spoil our relationship. I love you,” he pleaded.

    That was the problem. I love Dennis so much that the thought of breaking up with him is making me ill. How could I go on without him? If I listened to my mother, that was what would happen. But why should I sacrifice my happiness because of what my mother did in the past?

    I love Dennis too much to give him up. Based on that, I have decided to ignore my Mum’s words and continue with my relationship with him.

    My problem now is my Dad. He is still unaware of the reason I moved out of our home. He has been calling, wanting to know what caused the quarrel between my Mum and I. There are times I feel like opening up to him and telling him what my Mum did to him. But when I think about the devastating effects it could have on their marriage and our family life, I keep quiet.

    I don’t know what to do. Should I tell my Dad or let what happened in the past remain in the past? And did I take the right decision by staying with Dennis despite his affair with my Mum in the past? I’v been told it’s a taboo in our culture for a mother and daughter to sleep with the same man. Please I will appreciate if readers can advise me. Thanks.

    Concluded

     

    Names have been changed to protect the identities of the narrator and other individuals in the story.

    Send comments/suggestions to 08030822400, psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • Language and violence among children

    Hello Harriet, I will like to share this experience. My five-year old daughter and I were sitting amidst a crowd of other children and their parents at a  birthday party. It is one of those big ones. We are coaxed through a collection of entertaining outdoor games often involving both the children and us parents.

    One of such game has just ended and it’s time for a well-deserved break. Signally a time out, the funny looking Dj begin to blast out a catchy R&B tune from his music corner, many children ran to the open space and eagerly they started displaying their dancing skills as the sang a long, most of us parents were equally enjoying the music. As the artiste rap about their exploits, I noticed the lyrics are peppered with swear words and heavily salted with obscenities. Immediately i asked myself if other parents were hearing what I heard. Been the kind of person that I am, I walked straight to the Dj to change the music because it is not appropriate for the occasion (1st year birthday) did the Dj listen? Instead he reluctantly said to me that he simply provides the genre of music that is usually requested for, at this point Harriet, is when I promise myself to find a way to put this happenings in writing so that you can at least advice parents about the prevalent negative media exposure we allow our young children. It appears that I have finally gotten my chance. Thanks. Mrs. Juliet O. Lagos

     

    Thanks for sharing your experience with us. First of all you can agree with us that in recent times, particular in the past decades, there has been a sharp rise in the amount of negative media that is available to our children in this country. Like our western counterparts, we have also begun to pay the social price of technological development. Increased access to the internet and digital satellite television has provided us with not only a broader information and educational material base, but unfortunately also, explicit and often violence lyrics have in recent years been able to crossover into mainstream pop music, such that they rule the radio waves and are even given much more airtime than they would have been a decade or two ago. However, there are two ways parents paid little or no attention, they are as follows; it appears that many of us are reluctant or could it be we can’t be bothered to exercise our natural right and duty as parents to censor what our kids watch and listen to, in order to protect them. Often times, we turn a blind eye and let them watch or listen whatever tickles their fancy.

    Parental guidance regarding television viewing is probably where we score the lowest. For one thing, we frequently do not take coginsance of age restrictions on TV programs and movies, often allowing our 6/7 years old and even younger to watch PG 13,16, even 18-rated programs , lazily wanting to believe that their contents will be “fine” and not too adult to cause concern, when this is often far from the truth. More so, we mostly make erroneous conclusion that once there are no sexually explicit scenes the program me is safe for viewing by children.

    We conveniently forget that there are at least two other important factors that inform age restrictions and ratings, namely violence and language.

    Should we wonder then why our little boys often embarrass us with extraordinarily violent outbursts and our little girls sometimes suffer split personalities. At home they are daddy’s little girl but out there with their peers they are different. Whilst we certainly do not wish to over simplify the issue of bad behaviour in our children which no doubt has varying causes, it would be equally naïve to suggest that what we allow them to watch or listen to has absolutely no bearing on their behaviour. Children are they consummate imitators of what they see and hear around them. Part of the solution is clearly for us parents to step to the plate and put in much more effort than we are doing recently, to actively censor our children exposure to negative media, the good news is that most of the providers do have parental control services, kindly check with them on how to activate it. In addition, TV is not the only concern; radio and internet are also potentially rife mediums through which our children gain access to pornography and bad language.

    Furthermore, some parents lack enough commitment to the need of imbibing personal code of morality and adequate strength of character to be able to say” No” to their peers when the need arises. The truth of the matter is while some are good in censorship; they flunk terribly in the aspect of communication which takes us to our second point. Indeed, there is little point in being able to proudly say, my child is never allowed to watch those violent movies at home, and when anytime he/she is out of your reach he is doing every conceivable thing he can to grab a good bite of the ‘forbidden fruit’. The fact is that expect we are supernaturally able to follow all our children simultaneously everywhere they go from dawn till dusk, our children will spend many of their waking hours away from us. How effective have we prepared them to withstand negative influences on their own? I believe it is counterproductive to outlaw all manner of sins to a young, curious mind, without having the time to sit down and rationalize your thoughts to the child in a way that he/she can relate to and hopefully understand. We must help them realize that they are special individuals whose worth is not dependent on conforming to what their peers expect of them. Parents must help their children develop self- confident. The only way to achieve this is to keep the communication lines open.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • How to overcome trauma of infidelity (2)

    LAST week, we gave tips on ways to deal with unfaithfulness after sharing the experience of our reader that asked for help. Today’s article is a continuation of last Saturday edition. Here are more steps to take in solving the issue of infidelity in marriage.

    Take care of yourself: You may start experiencing some physical reactions to the infidelity,  for instance,  nausea, diarrhoea, sleep problems (too little or too much), shakiness, difficulty concentrating and not wanting to eat or some go into comfort eating as the case may be. The way to deal with it is to see it as a wake-up call. As painful as it seems, it is time for you to rise above the situation, instead of sitting down feeling sad, or feeling sorry for yourself, looking rejected

    . Turn the situation around by changing your appearance. Make out time to visit the hairdresser, for instance, look after yourself. Lose the weight, if you are on the big side and start eating correctly. This will occupy your mind and also give you joy.

     

    Balance is the key to getting through this experience of coping with infidelity. Force yourself to eat healthy food to stay on a schedule, to sleep regular hours, to get some exercise each day, to drink plenty of water and to have some fun. You need to observe all these in order to go through the emotional pain you are experiencing.

    Another important step is personal change. I mean you have to change. I know you will be wondering why I said you should learn to change instead of your spouse who betrayed you by being unfaithful. This is how it works, depending on his or her personality type. Some feel really sorry because they were caught, some are truly sorry, some don’t care. Whatever the personality, certain behaviour will be expected from you.

    So instead of praying for him to change, pray to God to change you so that you will be able to deal with the situation at hand. Keep being kind, loving, respectful and caring.

    Your behaviour, irrespective of the unfaithfulness, will definitely drop a message in his or her heart. Don’t get me wrong. As a human being, the initial anger, pain and disappointment will play up. It is natural to be upset. Some express their pain in different ways, but don’t drag it for too long. Forgive so that your marriage can move on.

    It’s okay and healthy to laugh.

    Watch some funny movies or TV shows. Spend some time with people who make you smile. Life goes on in spite of heartache and unfaithful spouses.

    Tears are healthy too. If you feel like crying, cry, it will make you feel better.

    Keep a journal: Some people feel better when they put down their feelings. If it will help you deal with the act of infidelity, then write your thoughts and your feelings. Another way to actually forgive him or her is to write down all his or her good and bad qualities and consider the ones that are  the same as yours.

    Ask all the questions you want. Talk with your spouse about the infidelity. You may have to accept that your spouse may not know why the infidelity took place.

    Seek counselling: Don’t try to get through coping with unfaithfulness alone, If you cannot handle it, seek help from a trained counselor.

    Take it one day at a time: Both you and your spouse should be tested for AIDS/HIV and STDs before you resume sexual intimacy without protection.

    Consider what boundaries you need in your marriage in order to stay in the marriage.

    Your children need to know that you are going to be okay. You can’t hide the fact that you are going through a trauma. Be honest with your children, but don’t weigh them down with details about how your spouse cheated you. Don’t make promises that you can’t keep

    Try not to get into the blaming game over whom or what caused the infidelity? It’s just wasted energy. That includes blaming the third party. It won’t change anything.

    You may have post-traumatic stress. If you are jumpy, yell at trivial actions, feel like you are walking on egg shells, and continue to have physical reactions when you are reminded of the infidelity, see a physician as soon as you can.

    It takes time to get beyond the pain of having an unfaithful mate. Don’t expect the mixture of feelings, sense of confusion, limbo and mistrust to go away just because you’ve tried to forgive your spouse and made a commitment to save your marriage.

    Think twice before you tell your family or your spouse’s family about the infidelity. Family members can often hold grudges for a long time.

    What you need: Healthy diet, exercise, drink plenty of water, laughter, time to heal, willingness to forgive.

    Suggested reading : Take up reading interesting books or magazines

    How to rebuild trust: Improve your health by forgiving your spouse and

    get busy with work so that you think less.

    Visiting a counsellor to put both spouses through a healing process is a good idea.

    Simply having a therapist listening to your pain, disorientation and devastation helps the betrayed spouse.

    Validating the emotions that he or she is feeling is very important as it normalises his or her reaction.

    Finally, when you are going through this recession, take it one step at a time. Learn to have a free mind and remove every suspicious feeling, if you want to restore your marriage.

    Don’t keep reminding him  or her about the past. Instead, evaluate your marriage. See how you can spice it up a bit. Never mind if you are the one making the sacrifice. Your spouse will respond in no time.

    Good news is that there are couples out there going through infidelity in marriage and their marriage is waxing stronger. It is stronger because what causes the cheating somehow seems to come out somewhere towards the end. These couples are able to apply what they learn, work on it together and create an environment in their relationship that prevents infidelity from happening again.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • The torn veil (2)

    Dennis arrived my home that evening shortly before we were to have dinner. I was in my room still dressing up when Harry, one of my younger brothers called out to me that he had just driven into our compound. I quickly finished up and rushed out of the room.

    I met him outside in the courtyard where he was standing talking with Harry.

    He gave me a peck on the cheek and rubbing his hands together declared:

    “I can’t wait to taste those delicious dishes you’ve been preparing which you told me about on

    the phone.”

    Harry butted in.

    “It’s Mum that did most of the cooking o! All Sister Meg did was to taste them and…”

    “Shut up your mouth! Silly boy! What do you know about cooking?” I said sternly.

    Dennis laughed then said:

    “Then I will have to thank your Mum specially for all her effort.”

    “Don’t mind him. Let’s go jo!” and taking his hand, led him inside the house.

    My parents were sitting in our large parlour, waiting for us.

    As I did the introductions, I noticed a strange look appear on my Mum’s face. It was as if she had seen a ghost or something worse. It happened fleetingly for the next moment, she was all smiles and conviviality. I thought my eyes were deceiving me so I didn’t think much about it.

    That first meeting with my family went extremely well. My dad especially was really taken with Dennis and he spoke glowingly about him.

    “I like that young man. You’ve picked the right one this time. At least he’s better than all those ‘waz up’ boys with their strange dress styles you used to hang around with when you were in school,” he said sometime later. I had just seen Dennis off and had returned to meet both of them talking about him. At least, my dad was for my Mum was surprisingly quiet.

    “That was years ago, Dad. I was much younger then,” I stated as I flopped down on the couch next to my Mum.

    “I know. But I used to be worried that you might do something foolish. Like getting pregnant and ending up marrying one of those rascals. Imagine having a son-in-law who plaits his hair and wears earrings like a woman!” he said in a jocular tone. Harry, who was hovering around whooped with laughter. I picked up a cushion and threw it at him…

    ***

    After that first day, Dennis became a regular visitor to my home. He got along well with all my family. Even my immediate younger brothers Joe and Paul who were often away from home, liked him when they eventually met him. Paul had just graduated from the Uni and was doing his service year in Cross Rivers State, while Joe, an engineer worked on an oil-rig offshore. He only came home once in a while when he was off-duty.

    One Saturday, I arrived home from a shopping trip with my best friend, Pat when I saw Dennis’ car parked in the courtyard. Though I wasn’t expecting him, I was glad he had come to visit.

    There was nobody in the sitting room and when I peeped into the kitchen, my Mum was not there. I heard voices in the balcony at the back of the house so I climbed up.

    My Mum was with Dennis. They were talking earnestly together, a bit of their conversation drifting to me.

    “It’s only proper that we tell her.”

    “No, we can’t. The shock will be too much for her. Why bring up the past?” my Mum was saying. I wondered what it was all about as I stepped up to join them.

    “My dear, you are back,” my mother stated, looking a bit startled.

    I went up to Dennis and linked hands with him.

    “Honey, when did you arrive? And what were you both talking about so seriously? Hope there’s no problem?” I asked my Mum.

    “None, dear. Why don’t you get Dennis a drink while I start dinner,” she said.

    “So, how was your day?” Dennis asked after my Mum had left and we were alone.

    “Fine. Pat sends greetings. Guess who I saw today at the mall?” I said.

    “Who?” he asked with some interest as we headed towards the stairs on our way downstairs.

     

    Opposition

    About two months later, I announced to my family that Dennis and I had fixed a date for our wedding.

    “It’s in six months time so we can have enough time to prepare,” I stated.

    My dad, who looked very pleased at the news, offered to contribute substantially to the ceremony.

  • How to overcome trauma of infidelity

    Hello Harriet, your last week article came at the right time, and after reading it, I must confess that in spite of my feeling of betrayal and pain it gave me, it gave me a better understanding of infidelity. Please, advise me on the way forward. Thanks.

    Mrs. Ndidi, Lagos.

     

    There is no simple answer to why someone becomes unfaithful. It could be a symptom of other problems in the marriage. It could also relate to something in your spouse’s past. You may never truly know why it happened.

    Knowing the type of infidelity we mentioned in our previous edition makes understanding it easier. You must ask questions like: Was it a one-night stand due to a mid-life or life crisis or sexual addiction? Could it be an act of retaliation or entangled affair? What is the motive behind the act? Did the cheating occur to end the marriage?

    Remember that your marriage has changed. You will need to grieve that loss.

    The stages of death and dying (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) are part of the grieving process. It doesn’t mean your marriage can’t be renewed and strengthened because it can. But it will be different.

    You just realise that your spouse has been unfaithful to you. The news of the infidelity has hit you like bricks. As a counsellor, I am to treat both spouses with respect in order to give honest positive and negative feedback  to enable the spouse align effectively.

    I cannot say giving him or her flowers or gifts at this stage is not proper because this stage is like slapping a bandage on a fresh, infected wound. Although some will say as a woman, this is the time for you to make your demands. It might feel like help in the short term, but in reality, it is just covering over deeper problems that will only get worse.

    You have hope that your marriage can survive your spouse cheating on you. But you still fill sick inside when you think about the affair. Here is what you can do to get beyond the hurt.

    You need to understand the type of affair your spouse is involved in. Questions like is it a one-night stand, an entangled affair, or an addiction? Note the solutions to these affairs are different.

    Sexual addiction: There are some steps to be taken. The person  involved in this act of infidelity must admit to himself or herself that there is a problem and  that  there is need to help. Self-realization is a great thing.

    Change of mind set: To guard his or her mind, avoid books, pictures, magazines and videos. Avoid fantasies that stimulate wrong desires.

    Keep away from friends or companies that can lead to this desire.

    Think not of the moment, but rather focus on the future.

    Forgive your unfaithful spouse to save your marriage.

    Difficulty: Time, they say, heals all wounds. The spouse involved will have to work extra hard to gain back the lost trust.

    What has happened has happened. Let’s face it. Give a second chance. Not that the act is right, but if the person is really sorry, forgive, so that you can have a sound mind as well.

    Time Required: It’s going to take a long time for the wound to heal. It is natural to go through the healing process slowly.

    Here’s how: Men and women should understand that they took a vow before God and man to be faithful when getting married, so there is no justification for infidelity. It is wrong and cannot be right, no matter how common it is in the society.

    Polygamy is a different issue. We are addressing those who took a vow before God and man to be one till death do them part.

    Don’t make any major decision about ending your marriage now just because your spouse has been unfaithful. This is the time to do some reflection on your marriage to see what other issues, other than infidelity, need to be recognized and dealt with. If you move out of the house, you are giving room for the person to move in. You have swapped places.

    You are now the one out, while the other person is now the one in.

    Feelings are neither right nor wrong. Accept that your feelings of rage, uncertainty, shock, agitation, fear, pain, depression and confusion about having an unfaithful spouse are normal. To be continued

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter; @bineharriet.