The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Key truths to help any relationship survive

    By Rois Ola

    One of the best qualities you should have in any relationship is ensuring your relationship is resilient. This is the ability or capacity to recover from difficulties.

    Every couple goes through their share of ups and downs, good times and bad times. But truly resilient couples who come out the other side when going through hard times in a relationship can be stronger than before, it all depends on how you see things and what you are willing to do to make it work ,if you feel the relationship is worth it. As a couple you have to have high values for each other, and do what it takes to keep LOVE alive.

    This means being able to fight for what is good and right, definitely there will be arguments with each other, but with proper communication you can overcome all.

    Healthy communication as I always advise is key. Setting rules and boundaries of what you expect from each other is also necessary.

    The fact is making relationships work is not about lip service, you must work hard and prepare, couples who understand that their partner is not perfect and neither are they have an idea of what resilience in a relationship is about. It takes consistent work day in day out, encompassing the good, the bad and the ugly.

    So if you and your partner can do these things, your relationship may survive tough times.

    1. Ego is the enemy

    Keep your ego under control to experience the highest potential of your relationship. Do this by finding joy in giving to receive: You give up part of yourself to receive in return the very best of someone else.

    1. Communication is key

    Communication helps you keep a consistent track of who your partner is and who they’re becoming. So the next time you see your partner, talk. Strike up a conversation which you know will intrigue them, and see where the dialogue flows from there.

    1. Compassion will keep you together

    Compassion, like patience, is a virtue learned through time. When we act with compassion, we accept and forgive those negative tendencies. We possess the wisdom to know when to say “Okay, let’s work through this,” rather than blaming, judging, and fighting with the one we love.

    1. Weaknesses are secret strengths

    We tend to see certain character traits – such as emotional over-dependence – as signs of personal weakness. But no aspect of a person’s self is weak; it’s simply one part of who they are. Being deeply emotional, for example, is neither right nor wrong.

    When we stop seeing our partner’s character traits as weak, and start accepting them as an integral part of their being, we can learn to value that person on a complete spectrum. Though they may have to work to improve certain things, this becomes much easier to do once we’ve accepted that their weaknesses are, in reality, their secret strengths.

    Read Also: How to deal with confessions in a relationship

     

    1. Your partner above all

    If you’re set on being in a serious relationship, there may be times when you’ll have to place your partner before anyone else. Not to say that you’ll have to succumb to their every whim, but you will want to make them your top priority when the circumstances call for it. This is called sacrifice, but it’s also a way of building a solid foundation to your relationship.

    1. Intimacy is essential

    Most couples don’t realise how critical intimacy really is. They place other factors first, such as time restraints or job responsibilities, but what they don’t understand is that intimacy is just as important as communication or common values, and it should not decrease with time.

    So the next time your partner wants to be intimate, take it as an opportunity to reconnect with them and strengthen your relationship rather than finding an excuse to avoid it.

    1. Betrayal is brutal

    Most people will endure some form of betrayal or another in their relationships. This is a sad reality of our world; we hurt each other, often without considering the consequences or meaning to. But one partner might make the one mistake which is inexcusable and becomes traumatic for the other person.

    The most important step towards recovery from betrayal is acknowledging the severity of it and not sweeping your emotions under the rug: face the truth. Face your feelings, all of them! Deal accordingly with your partner, and make him or her understand the hurt you felt.

    1. Grow in the same direction

    Two people who don’t grow in the same direction cannot remain in a compatible relationship.

    We all change by the minute; who you were just one year ago is not who you are now. Evolution is the first law of the universe, but this can cause two compatible people to grow in completely different directions and not even know it.

    Like two branches of a tree which grow further and further apart, you and your partner may be growing in opposite ways and not even know it.

    The strongest relationships are those in which both partners have an ‘us against the world’ mentality

    1. Arguments can be productive

    Most people see arguments as destructive forces in a relationship, but arguments can be highly productive and even necessary. The couple that doesn’t argue doesn’t feel genuine emotion.

    Don’t try to prevent arguments that are bound to happen. Rather, learn from each disagreement you experience as a couple. Try to settle your deep-seated differences so that arguments occur less and less frequently in the future.

    1. Us against the world

    The strongest relationships are those in which both partners have an ‘us against the world’ mentality. Those are normally the relationships which stand the test of time.

    It’s critical that you and your partner see yourselves as united against any external factors, be it financial hardships or the influence of others. If you remain closely bound to one another, nothing will be able to break you apart or come between you. The moment you start to see yourself as two separate entities with independent aims, you allow room for problems to creep in.

    Whether you’re in a serious commitment or just starting out, acknowledging these few simple truths might just make the difference between breaking up and being together forever. I wish you all the best.

  • Is your partner entitled to your passwords in a relationship?

    Rois Ola

    When you have been in a relationship for a long time with your partner, your lives will become intertwined, which means the list of things the two of you share will gradually get longer and longer, your friends, interests, dislikes and so on sharing passwords in this digital age is now a big issue, as social media deprives more and more people of secrecy or privacy, yet encourages people to keep secrets in life, confusing right? It might sound silly, but in this digital day and age, sharing passwords in a relationship is enough to break relationship practically our whole lives are online, and giving someone that level of access to us can be frightening, words can be misunderstood, misinterpreted and can be perceived as what is not.

    In some cases, swapping passwords might be the new norm in some relationships, while for some it is unheard of. If your password is meant to be personal, how come it is common amongst couple and an issue if one partner resists sharing?

    It’s common sometimes for partners to share their passwords because they believe that this is a significant step to show that they trust you and you should trust them. Personally I have observed that partners also share passwords for convenience. For instance, if I need log on to my partner’s computer in the study to do some work, I may need it at a time he won’t be available, so the logical thing would be to give it to me so I don’t keep calling every single day for it. Right?

    In a situation where you and your partner trust each other, it might seem like nothing at all when you swap login in details and password, especially for seemingly harmless things like Netflix, family computer in the study etc. but there is a mighty difference when it comes to getting your partners Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and any other related password. It takes loads of trust to allow them have access to these platforms, having that level of transparency takes a lot of guts and risk because anything can go wrong

    The risks of sharing passwords in a relationship

    But just because it’s common and can help to build trust , showing transparency does not  mean sharing passwords with your partner is always a good idea. It will appear beautiful and wonderful when all is well with you both. The minute a breakup occurs then that’s when the sweating and fear will begin, sometimes as far as blackmail. So be wise! When an ex has access to your details, it is a big risk of a million and one things going bad.

    Sharing password establishes trust no doubt, but the point here is it can also be extremely risky.  A partner that seems trustworthy at first could easily use your password to commit fraud or worse still identity theft, buy things you don’t want, clear out your credit card, swipe your whole cash, relocate with all you have or expose you to harmful virus, debt and land you in jail.

    There’s also a risk that your partner could   take advantage and revenge against you or anyone they wish to harm in the event of a breakup. The lure of people sharing your private info to the world is real and can destroy your life. Everything being rosy now does not mean it will remain rosy. Change is a constant fact of life

    I personally advise that you remember to change your passwords right after a break-up, just in case. We do not pay for break-ups; the reality is they do happen.” Better to be safe than sorry. “

    Is it ever a good idea to exchange passwords with your partner?

    There are risks involved, but if you are smart about it, sharing with your partner is not such a bad idea and doesn’t have to end badly.

    The basic rule is to ensure you just don’t share with every partner you come across, you need to study and test them to be sure you can TRUST them.

    You have to really get to know them, establish rules and boundaries so that they already understand what is acceptable, provided you have nothing to hide once secrets they should know and you are not telling is involved then, that automatically changes the game.

    At this point, your relationship now turns into a game. I personally advise give it a year at least before you share passwords.

    When you’re with someone long-term, and especially if you live together, it can be tempting to share passwords simply for convenience’s sake.

    Read Also: How to deal with confessions in a relationship

     

    But just because it might make things easier doesn’t mean it’s a decision you and your partner should make lightly, because it’s not something that works for every long-term couple, sometimes it backfires. So you need to be absolutely sure of all risks involved.

    Some people enjoy sharing everything and see nothing wrong with it, while some have trust issues which may take a while, some would rather not share at all.

    What I consider a danger sign is if one side feels the need to sneak around and spy on the other, they may have much bigger issues than mere lack of boundaries and this attitude needs to be taken note of seriously.

    How to set healthy boundaries about online privacy

    You must as a matter of principle decide if your relationship is ready for the intimacy of swapping passwords, it’s not something you should do spur-of-the-moment or because the love between you both is so sweet at the moment, it’s important to first have a conversation about your online privacy boundaries, and what those will look like in the event that you exchange passwords. Communication like I always preach is key. Dialogue and discussions as at when due is what any healthy relationship requires. Agree on what you both feel is comfortable for either of you and be at peace with it. If there is any reason for an over step of boundaries, then revisit the conversation again.

    As with anything in a relationship, the biggest key to successfully transitioning into the sharing passwords lifestyle with your partner is to make sure you communicate with each other any time an issue pops up, or whenever you feel a boundary has been crossed. Ultimately, if you truly trust each other and have the foundation of a solid, long-lasting relationship, sharing passwords will just be the next step towards growing closer and more intimate with your partner.

    In other words, sharing your password is not a big deal, but can become a big deal if not properly handled as adults. Everyone has boundaries of what they can tolerate.

    Find out what your partners’ boundaries are and stick with. You may be ready to give all your million passwords away and your spouse is not ready to cross that border yet.

    Give it time and show how committed and trustworthy you are. It is important to note that misused passwords can not only have a ripple effect but a long term negative effect in all areas from relationship to career to family and to brand destruction.

    Some people have the tendency of taking their partners online transparency for granted, by going through their messages without their consent.

    I will not encourage or advise this behaviour. It can destroy you inside out. It never ends well when you see what you should not have seen, especially if your partner is busy sliding into people’s DMs sharing sexy photos and all without your knowledge.

    It is a game that quickly goes out of control and highly addictive. What is yours should not be controlled. There is no easy answer to life, but various experiences that shape and form our actions and opinions.

    It is only time and situations that can show you who truly loves you. I wish you all the best.

  • How to deal with confessions in a relationship

    By Rois Ola

    AZUKA and Nkem grew up as childhood sweethearts, Azuka’s parents and Nkem’s parents had been family friends for years. They both went to the same primary school but due to a federal government policy, Azuka and her family had to relocate to another city.

    Fortunately, they reunited in university and their love for each other was stronger than ever. They eventually got married a few years after University, but never told each other some secrets from their past while they were separated. Azuka was raped by her maternal uncle while in secondary school and gave birth to a baby girl, whom the world thinks is her baby sister. Nkem on the other hand had once been arrested for armed robbery immediately after high school, due to his parents influence he was set free, he is now a changed man and wants to be a law abiding citizen, yet Azuka is not aware of this past life.

    After a while Azuka’s mother died and the question of who would be responsible for Azuka’s daughter came up unfortunately Nkem was not aware Azuka was a mother, because she never told him. Nkem also needed to change jobs but was denied the new position because of his past criminal record and unfortunately he never told Azuka!!

    This is a situation many people face, some are free from it, while some will never be and die with these secrets. Life is truly tough because we continuously face the consequence of our decisions every single day.

    It is said by some researchers that one in every five people have kept major secrets from their partner. These secrets come in different forms from secret savings, to secret house, to secret children, secret spouse, secret car, secret clothes, secret investments, secret cash and the list goes on. There’s a general assumption that secrets are bad. And it’s a pretty reliable rule of thumb that honesty is best with the people you love like your partner, your children, your family, your best friend, anyone who matters to you deserves the TRUTH. — because secrets get in the way of real intimacy, they hinder you, they keep nagging your mind and thought, make you falter. But there are all sorts of reasons why, sometimes, coming clean may do more harm than good, some secrets destroy everything and the ripple effect is just like a tsunami sweeping everything away.

    In this case I’m not talking about small secrets, but really who is to say what’s small or big in terms of secrets?  What may be small to you, will appear mighty to another person. A minor misdemeanor is another person’s betrayal.

    Read Also: How to survive a broken relationship

     

    Long-held secrets have the ability to destroy more than you can imagine. Why?  because the person is changed forever in the other person’s eyes, you just may never be able to see them the same way again. generally, people recover on different levels some do not have the ability to recover from betrayal of trust, however hard they try, this is just how it is for them.

    I mean obviously if you KNOW what you are doing is wrong why do it anyway? When it will be so difficult to own up, but then this is life, full of mystery and should we say “the devil?” who makes us do things (he always gets the blame).  The sad part is there is nothing like the right time for a confession, the day you think is the right time may be the wrong one, but you cannot keep avoiding it.

    There is a research (not my opinion) that 18 per cent of over-40s keep hefty stashes of cash secret from their partners. While another says some couples can keep secrets for as long as 25years (wow really?) then again who is a saint? Who is willing to cast the first stone?

    I will discuss a few of these secrets with you below

    The secret of having Affairs and/ or one-night stand

    I believe that the damage a secret can cause in your relationship depends on your personal perception. Also in some cases how your partner perceives it to be, the more you keep it, the harder it is to confess. The secret will not give you peace of mind. I had a case of someone who had a one-night stand, that was meant to be “meaningless” the cost of keeping over time became an additional burden. let’s not even talk about porn, debt, gambling, another wife or husband hidden somewhere or having a constant side chick or side bae, an ongoing relationship that does not seem to have an expiry date.

    Coming clean means you have to change, are you ready to?

    The Effect of confession

    It may be a relief at long last to get a secret off your chest and finally be free. But what about the person who has been kept in the dark? How can you tell what the reaction will be? secrecy is deadly.   It is nearly always better not to have secrets, but sometimes it might be better to keep quite in a wise Head, the decision is yours. You have to think about what you’re hoping to achieve and be ready for the consequence, you also have to think about keeping quiet and be ready for what comes after or maybe never just maybe.

    Secrets of the family

    For any family, there should be boundaries on secrecy. while some couples may think there is nothing wrong in letting the kids know about what goes on between the couple it is not ideal to be too open or frank with them, especially if they are not old enough to fully comprehend issues on ground. Honesty is best. But that doesn’t mean revealing all the dirty details. I usually advise that couples should censor with wisdom their words and think carefully about motives before you give away too much about your life or issues between you and your partner

    Ultimately, it’s up to you as a couple to decide what’s appropriate for them. But never underestimate the impact of revealing secrets to your children. Be wise

    Steps to take if you decide to confess a secret

    — Think about how your partner will feel. Will it be good? will be bad? or downright ugly? Put yourself in his or her shoes.

    — It’s an awesome relief if you have now decided to come clean yourself. It’s much harder if you get caught with that secret, and also difficult if you are the one it is being hidden from.

    — Be ready for hard work, because when trust is lost gaining it back is serious pressure, your every move after this will be scrutinized closely, you must be ready. And it will take time. Sometimes it is difficult to gauge the real depth of damage confession brings. It’s just a risk one may have to take to set things right.

    —  The onus will now be on you to lay emphasis that you believe honesty is a risk worth taking because you value the relationship (that will not be easy to say)

    —  Have it in mind that if your relationship is truly strong, and you are prepared to put in the work, and also face the music, then confession can lead to renewed trust and closeness. you just have to try and convince them that you will not or never repeat those things and own up quickly when you need help to resist. I wish you all the best.

  • The President and The First Lady, 30 years after and a family to match.

    In a few short weeks I will be celebrating my own wedding anniversary, so permit me to speak with some authority albeit measured, on why we all need to celebrate our first couple.

    We all know that very early on President Buhari stood out in a crowd. His own track record and antecedents are very well documented in very public records. But Aisha was no shrinking willow either. Born into a respectable family, she was the granddaughter of Nigeria’s first Minister of Defence. It explains her quiet, steady backbone.

    They have lived together in love for thirty good years. They weathered family storms together for a good thirty years and counting. They were together during the tedious years of traversing the whole of Nigeria, seeking for today and yesterday’s mandate from Nigerians to preside over our affairs.

    They were together when many disappointing judgements denying Buhari Nigerian’s mandate to be President were given. They were together when after thunder came rain and they remained together when it became sunshine. Who best to remind him who was with them?

    A beautiful family. Because we are, they are, not only the number one family in Africa but the entire black world today. A very humble family with a deep Muslim piety. Take a look at the strong moral standing of the couple. President Buhari has shown iron clad rectitude on the matter of greed, prevalent amongst men of means and influence of his hue. The man has ever had only one wife, unlike many who have had plenty.

    Therefore when one juxtaposes Mohammed Buhari and Aisha, it becomes very clear that it was a marriage made by Allah in heaven from day one. Look at the peaceful and lovely way Aisha has adopted the earlier children of the family when their mother had passed away.

    H.E  Aisha Buhari has carried on without qualms in love with all members of the first family regardless of whether she seered them or not. A rare quality, not easy to find. In the 4yrs and more she has been first lady of  Nigeria, she has radiated and spoken truth and love to Nigerians.

    Our people love Aisha. She has always defended the weak and minority peoples of the nation. Though she may be working from the other room, she has shown empathy, courage, strength, wisdom, kindness, boldness and nationalism, like her husband.

    All hail the Buharis and the family as we join them in prayers and joyous celebration of thirty years of a  good journey in marital bliss and family harmony.

     

    Prince Tonye TJT Princewill

    Concerned Nigerians Initiative

  • The dangers of hypersexuality in a relationship

    With Rois Ola

    Ugonna and Chris (not real names) had been dating for a year.Six months into the relationship, Chris discovered that Ugonna had a serious sex addiction problem.

    He spoke to her about getting help, but she insisted there was no issue,although  deep within herself she knew that she had a major sexual behavior challenge. She secretly did a research online and found out she was suffering from hyper sexuality also known as sexual addiction.

    One day, Ugonna had an official meeting with a few colleagues and felt a sudden urge to play with her private part. She reached out to her clitoris and gently started rubbing it. A few minutes later she got an orgasm.

    Unknown to her, a colleague had seen Ugonna dip her hand into her pant.A feeling of disgust and embarrassment seized her colleague. She soon  told other people what she saw, one of them a cousin of Chris who quickly called his attention to Ugonna’s disturbing behavior on that day.

    This is one of many examples of what people experiencing sexual addiction face.

    Others may experience compulsive masturbation and other intimate behaviors. Anyone who has a partner exhibiting such symptoms should be on the alert. These can come in various forms like

    * intense sexual fantasies and orgies that take up all your time and are out of their control, even when you try to help them.

    *You have an argument with them or they go through a tough time at work or any situation and the next thing they do is to engage in sexual behavior that has serious consequences (for instance, fondling private parts more than once unconsciously in public); or

    * you discover your partner has trouble establishing and maintaining  a healthy relationship with you, with some sexual fantasy that may not agree with you. This can lead to many complications  such as  struggling with shame.They may develop mental conditions in addition;  lie about their  situation; show signs of depression ;or engage  in sexual activity especially through the internet. In some cases, when your spouse is unable to function normally in a social gathering and environment they end up losing their job and ability to relate properly with people.They may end up  accumulating debts, or give you sexually transmitted infections.

    If you notice that your partner is spending endless hours watching pornography or , chatting on phone  while you are physically and emotionally available for her/him,then you need to act fast  to address the problem. Some have lost the will for discipline and even watch porn while at work, stay up all night watching porn and would prefer calling in sick instead of addressing how this behavior is affecting your love for them and health.

    The truth is your partner could be having issues with anxiety and depression. It could be that it is not “addictive” but a means to reduce” stress”, boredom, low mood.  Are you and your spouse having a mismatch in sex drive? It is common to accuse a partner of being sexually insatiable all the time and yet you are the one that has a low libido, so low that compared to the average person, your performance level is poor. There are cases where women set a time table for sex once in a month, probably on birthdays, Christmas day and maybe Valentine day.Anything else is no no !! The implication of this is that your spouse may end up patronizing strippers and sex workers to have as much sex as they wish.They love you and don’t want to divorce you, so would rather keep going to sex workers to keep the home. This CAN NOT LAST. Or do we talk about the men who prefer having a new sex partner every week, and decide they do not want the stress of monogamy. In some cases, if they are very attractive they ensure they indulge in sex to the full. Let’s not even talk about the ones that love “kinky sex” playing with “dangerous” life threatening “toys”.

    Read lso: How to identify your soul mate in your relationship

     

    If you think your partner may be hypersexual, ask yourself if their sexual behaviors cause you harm or distress, or impairment in your daily functions including those they relate with generally. The best way to help them overcome this behavior is to address the underlying issues driving this behavior, as opposed to focusing on the sexual nature of them. Honesty is very important here, denial of your spouse in this issue cannot help recovery.They need all the support they can get. Counselling with a mental health professional might also be helpful when working through these problems.

    As a society, (maybe because of dictates of our culture) we need to stop stigmatizing people around sex, it leads to pain and suffering. Let us address the issues from the root .If your spouse is going through self-denial, you need to be gentle in showing them the way. Or else you will be hindered in having an  open discussion which can help you know the exact help they may require. These few steps can help

    • Know and understand what the exact issue is.
    • Know what to do after identifying this issue with your spouse.
    • Help your partner know themselves.
    • Help them to be willing to communicate by showing love and not disgust.
    • Seek for counselling medical or mental, they must accept either or both of the options.
    • Avoid procrastination: if your spouse is actually enjoying the destructive nature of this challenge, and has no control, then you need to decide if you can bear it or not .Procrastination in dealing with the issues on ground can destroy you both

    A few friends always ask how can this be avoided? I don’t have an exact answer to this, but I can say some things for sure, you need to RUN from risky situations. If you are familiar with the story of Joseph when he was escaping from Potiphar’s wife, it is said that he fled for his life. RUN as fast as you can but the first thing is to own up if you or partner is facing this, that is the first stage to healing. Ensuring you avoid risky places or things that can trigger it will help with time. It is a battle your spouse may not be able to win alone, unless he or she has a very strong will to actually stop or seek help. It is a battle that can be won together!! I wish you all the best.

  • How to identify your soul mate in your relationship

    By Rois Ola

    NO matter how much of an angel anyone claims to be, you get to realize that nobody is perfect.

    Everyone deserves to live a happy life. We all want to be happy and settle down with someone who will make us happy for ever, even if it sounds like a fairy tale. We still all search for Prince Charming or our Cinderella.

    If you can accept that no one is perfect in your search for a soul mate, then you will realize that though you are not looking for an angel, you are looking for someone who can make you happy for as long as humanly possible.

    The search for a soul mate works differently for everyone: some get to find theirs quite early in life; some never find one and make do with whatever they can get; and some find theirs  late in life. But is anytime truly late? Do we say God sends our soul mates to us at the right time? Will we or can we be patient enough to wait?

    Is a soul mate meant to be handsome? Beautiful? Rich? Well placed in life? It’s hard to say, but the point here is to give you a few lead signs to identify who may BE POSSIBLY destined to be your life partner. This does not mean we have to overlook attitudes like respect, trust, human relations, self-confidence etc. that maintain the love between two adults.

    Below are a few things to guide and help you understand what to look out for in your search.

     You have changed for the better.

    The people who we are affected by the most are the ones who have changed us just by their presence in our lives, overhauling everything we thought we knew and wanted. They influence us positively and are a good addition to our lives.

     They are like a family member to you even before settling down

    This sounds strange, but my hubby already felt like my brother to me , even before marriage. It is an instinct that kicks on after meeting your soul mate.So when you meet your soul mate it already feels like he/she  has been a part of you for a long time.

     Your worst self has come out with them, and to only them, they know you inside out

    This may sound odd, but it is true. Your soul mate   sees the best and even the WORST part of you and stays even after seeing the worst. The truest soul mates are a direct reflection of yourself; they see what has healed and what has not healed. EVERYTHING is visible to them.

     It feels as if you’ve known each other before.

    This comes with instinct as well. When you talk to each other, it feels as though you have been friends for ages, you hide nothing from each other.

    You met while you were young, and reunited when you get older

    Be it in actual years or just spiritual and mental maturity.

    You recognize something when you look in his/her  eyes and it’s basically indefinable as  you don’t see it in anybody else.

    You feel what he/she  feels, even if you aren’t naturally empathetic & It’s more than just a feeling.

    You know when something’s not right, physically or otherwise. You can sense what she/she is thinking and feeling without them even indicating anything to you. Meeting them makes  you realize that romantic love — especially between soul mates — is much more than just a fleeting, physical feeling. It’s really more of an inner, gut knowing that permeates your whole relationship, even when (and maybe especially when) you’re apart.

     

    Read Also: Are you in a relationship that feels like it may be over? Do you feel it’s time to move on? (1)

     

    Your soul mate is your home

    You realize that ‘home’ is the person or place you always want to return to, and he/she  is it for you. You always feel at peace with him/her , even after all the fights.Once all is well there is calm that sweeps over you like syrup.

     You’re best friends

    There’s a myth that romantic partners can’t be close friends.

    However, in truth, a strong friendship is a foundation for a lasting romance. When you meet your soul mate, you also meet your best friend!

    It is still important to have friendships outside of your relationship. This simply means you just easily ‘get’ each other on a deeper level than you usually experience; you share a sense of humor, and you quickly become each other’s number one source of support.

     There’s mutual respect

    Relationships often fall apart when the two people try to change each other. In contrast, soul mates respect each other on a fundamental level. Plus, this respect is based on really knowing each other (flaws and all).

    So if you find yourself really accepting someone in spite of his/her  quirks and neuroses, and you feel that acceptance directed back at you unconditionally, this may be a soul mate connection.

     You have the same vision of the future

    This is one of the most significant signs that you’ve found your soul mate because it’s not only an indication of a deep connection but also one of the most reliable predictors of a happy partnership.

    If you don’t share key values, imagine your future in the same way and want the same sorts of things out of life, resentment grows and begins to sour the relationship. So, when you meet someone who actually sees his/her life unfolding in the same way you imagine your own, you’ve struck gold!

     You challenge each other

    Your ideal partner will not only admire you for all you’ve done but open your eyes to all you could do. This can be challenging because it will mean that the two of you are often encouraging each other  to move out of your comfort zones.

    Your Happiness Is Waiting Outside Of Your Comfort Zone

    However, the unique combination of challenge and support provided by a soul mate is a major catalyst for personal development and growth. And, in the future, you’re sure to be grateful to each other for all the encouragement and gentle prodding administered over the years!

     You fight for the relationship

    No relationship is without conflict, even when soul mates get together. There will always be obstacles and bumps on the road. But whether you’re trying to cope with family difficulties, financial worries, illness, career uncertainty or parenting issues, a couple who are meant to be together will keep fighting for the relationship.

    Crucially, you’ll find ways to fight together in order to make things better, because you’ll both want the relationship to survive more than you’ll want to defend your own egos.

    This, in itself, is not easy to accomplish and can wear you out if the fighting is constant, but with true love and openness with each other you will conquer. I wish you all the best.

  • When men say, I love you (2)

     

    Love for so many people means different things and it is used in different ways just to get what we want and need. Love to me, means affection without tears and it does no harm to its receiver

     

    1. Sylvester Kwentua, a student with NIJ. Many reasons are bound; any woman in her right senses would look scornfully at a man who walks up to her asking for sex! It does not reflect the man as being responsible, decent or event sensible.

    In Africa, issues of sex are believed not to be discussed. It is an agreement between two lovers when they are within the confines of a room. An average woman needs a relationship based on love, trust and honesty, but the man, although not all of them, need a relationship based on sex.

    But how does a man go about telling a woman that he is all about sex and not love?  He won’t ever enjoy the company of any lady, if he goes talking to any about sex unless she is a prostitute.

    In advanced countries, for instance, Europe and America, sex could happen between a man and woman after the first meeting which could occur some minutes earlier. Sex is not a big issue over there, but in Africa, the reverse is the case.

    Any true son of the soil, who knows the cultural beliefs, will not just dabble into the issue of sex without building a relationship, and if he is lucky and the lady falls for it, monkey go go market and not return. (Sex could come up).

    Mr. Stephen Chukwuyemike, an undergraduate

    Love for so many people means different things and it is used in different ways just to get what we want and need. Love to me, means affection without tears and it does no harm to its receiver. But today, love has been abused and used unjustly, just to get our selfish desires met, no matter the consequences.

    Some men, in this present generation haven’t used this four lettered word to deceive a lot of women, simply because the word literally means genuity but it has been turned around. Some men say to ladies, I love when they actually mean I am lusting after you. Most men want sex not relationship and so to get their desires and they know that the only to get the woman’s affection is to propose love to her and by so doing, the woman will feel appreciated. Sometimes the men may be for real, but most times it does not turnout to be true.

    When the man has succeeded in getting her to bed, the so called ‘love’ begins to fade and the man will begin to withdraw and this will in the long run leave the woman bitter and heartbroken.

    My advice is that women who are smart should always try to study men and not fall for some cheap lies they tell.

     

    Read Also: Topics to discuss in a relationship before you settle down (1)

     

    Wale Balogun

    No doubt that experiences of ladies over time have made common, the opinion that most guys say ‘I love you’ when the real intent and desire is just to have a feel of the victim (the lady being wooed) in bed. But the reality is, most guys who spend weeks pursuing a lady, burning call credit to achieve entry into her heart, spending some hard earned money on dates and sometimes gifts, really would want much more than just love-making. However, the natural phenomenon that makes a guy see a lady as an angel prior ‘bed time’ and then as a devil incarnate post ‘bed time’ is a mystery that is yet to be unravelled, as this experience is as old as man itself.

    The truth is no right thinking lady would give in to a guy who bluntly asks for sex on first contact, except she is prostitute; rather it is modest to first establish some kind of relationship before biding for sex.

    Besides, we have come to learn that what an average lady appreciates is such beautiful and well-thought-out praises and psyches that would always end with the controversial statement ‘I love you’, though she knows it is just a regular statement that has been so abused, yet she appreciates it, at least, it makes her feel the intended fluke and fling is real.

    In fewer words, it words, it would be so ridiculing and immodest for a guy to tell a lady I want to sleep with you when he has not picked her on the street. Though the world the world has turned into such gorilla world where a guy and a lady would, as patrons of infidelity agree to be sexmate, and they keep sharing bed outside their legal or say matrimonial commitments and bonds.

    So Vera, it has become an experience we cant but live with, for a guy to walk his way into the heart of a lady under the guise of seeking true love when what he really craves for is emotional and sexual satisfaction.

    To the ladies, I advise that you make spiritual consultations to x-ray the sincerity on which the ‘I love you’ a guy says to you is built. But, a few of us are still around town with a hundred and ten percent sincerity when impressing what we feel for a lady. When it is likeness, we say it is likeness and when it grows into love we say it is love, though we could sometimes express our love for certain features and attitudes in those we admire. All na game!

  • Six things every man wants in a relationship

    Praise Olowe

    Psychologists and relationship experts say men are from Mars and women from Jupiter, meaning they are so very different.

    This might be the reason why two people can be in love, but can’t seem to live together or relate to each other in harmony.

    Men and women are human beings, but their needs are very different.

    As women, therefore, it is important to learn how to relate with the special man in your life to get the best from him, and be a fulfilled woman.

    Respect:
    Men are wired in a peculiar way, what do I mean by this? Every man wants to be treated with respect from his woman. For men, their ego is of utmost importance.

    As such, the wise woman will treat her man with utmost respect.

    How do I show respect? Some ladies ask, by deferring to him, in all things, by not criticizing him to anyone, by treating him like your man.

    Why? Because in every man there is a king, and a boy, treat him like a king and he will treat you like a queen.

    Love:
    Every man wants his woman to love him. How? Give unconditional love. Show him affection. Be nice to him, especially when times are rough or he is feeling down.

    Treat him with kindness always, not only when he buys you things or is nice to you. As human beings, we need love the most when we deserve it the least. So treat your man with the kindness you would extend to your baby, spouse, or dearest relative, come what may and he will show you the same.

    Feed him with his love language, for some its acts of service, for others, words of affirmation, or touch. Whatever it is, find out what your man likes or wants.

    Commitment:
    Committing to a relationship is a big step for any man, so when you have a man who has made a commitment to you, either in marriage or relationship, pay him the same compliment.

    No games, please. Be transparent in your commitment.

    For some reasons, many ladies think it is okay to keep more than one man, but it is really not worth it.

    Integrity:
    Every man wants a woman he can trust. Not one who says one thing in the morning and another thing at night. But one who is so reliable. So ladies, no lies, no tricks.

    Don’t be in Lagos and say you are in Abuja, the truth can never be hidden for long, and a lie will always be exposed. Also, honesty; which is an integral part of integrity builds trust and sustains a relationship.

    Be the type of woman your man can trust.

    Industriousness:
    An industrious woman is hardworking, whether in keeping the home or maintaining the equilibrium in the relationship, or her workplace.

    There are ladies today who can’t cook, clean, wash or keep their environments clean.

    Also, the reality of the financial situation in the country demands that women work, if not outside the home, but at least do something to supplement the family income.

    The truth is that most guys today are not ready to commit themselves to women who don’t have a means of livelihood as they are seen as liabilities.

    Read Also: Six messages you should never send to your ex after break up

    Homeliness:
    Every man wants a woman who is homely, one that will make a house into a home.

    No man wants a woman about town, one who goes everywhere, never remaining at home. There is an art to this, and it must be learned at all costs.

    This trait was taught and cherished in traditional African societies that have been thrown out of the window in the name of civilization.

    You should always find time out of your busy schedule to spend moments with your man and family.

  • Topics to discuss in a relationship before you settle down (2)

    By Rios OLA

    1. SHARING bank accounts and sharing the bills

    My husband and I share bank accounts for projects and other things, but we still operate our individual accounts.We withdraw with consent from each other. Agreed consent. So another question here is: “Will you be able to share one bank account?  Would you prefer to keep individual accounts? Both? And what bills will be paid from  what accounts?  And by whom? And when? Will you each put a certain percentage of your income/revenue into it and toward shared bills? Would you be open to having an emergency fund account? Would you open accounts for the kids? As joint signatories or not? And what percentage of funds would go in and how regularly? What if one person is out of job? Or then decides to stay home to raise the kids? What if the male wants to stay home? What’s your plan for affording that? Or if you both will work, what would be the cost implication? Electricity bill? Dstv? Food? Clothes? Medical? Who will handle those? How about school fees? Toiletries? Upkeep for in laws and siblings?

    1. Division of house chores .

    You will need to decide who will do the dishes? Wash clothes? Baby sit? It is important to negotiate and plead if you have to so that you aren’t stuck doing the thing you least like all the time. For instance, I hate washing plates, even as a woman. I can wash clothes for Africa, but plates? I HATE it.I thank God that  the children have  now rescued me; they have been given the duty of ensuring the plates get washed. If you hate  washing dishes, but don’t mind washing clothes like I do, suggest to your partner that you’ll  handle meal preparations all the time if he or she agrees to take on the dishes for you. Come to an amicable agreement. This can only work if what you hate is what your partner can tolerate or even likes. But if your partner hates it too, then you have to find a way to compromise, using your best skills.Just add an incentive if you want the other person to help with it. I didn’t say manipulation, use a positive incentive. May be expensive take out regularly etc.

    1. Sex.

    This may be hard to discuss but it is very, very important. Do you want to sleep with just one person for the rest of your life? Hmmm, tough question! Would you be happy and satisfied? If not, then you will need to discuss this with your partner, especially in these days of ‘open marriages’. Discuss methods you intend to use to keep the fire burning, and of course ensure you both remain sexually appealing to each other. It is all a matter of choice really.

    Read Also: Topics to discuss in a relationship before you settle down (1)

    1. Nuclear and Extended Family obligations.

    In the face of  economic hardship and the need for both parents to work and earn income to sustain the family, you also have to decide how much time  each of you will spend with the family, home training, spending time with the grandmas and grandpas or relatives.How much do you expect to spend with them once you’re married and have children, or even without children. Discuss how much time you expect your spouse to spend with them (and vice versa) and how or who will be responsible for care of the parents or extended family. Especially as our culture dictates one must care for other family members.

    1. Vacations.

    What would you want your vacation to be like? With the children or without the children? In addition to extended family vacations, you and your partner need to discuss other types of vacations you do or don’t enjoy.  Which country would be a yes for you both? And which would be a NO!!! Likewise, are you a workaholic so much that you can’t bear to be away from the business or job?  In this case, you will need to agree amicably as vacation e is meant to be a time of rest and fun. You can’t expect to plan all your vacations for the rest of your life together, but discussing some solutions that you’re both OK with will help you address friction in the future and maintain peace in the home.

    1. The family name

    There are some cultures where children bear the  names of grandparents. So you need to decide what your family name should be? Is it very common? Would you want to make it a compound name? Will your spouse change her  maiden name? What’s your family name going to be? Do not wait till the final day to decide. Talk it out.

    1. Career and academics

    Are both of  you committed to your career? How committed are you? Do you live to work or work to live? Does your life revolve round your job? How will your respective careers affect your family life and family time? Have you been able to achieve your dream career? Are you going to face academics or professional certification? And if you have not achieved that level, what time frame will this take? What kind of personal sacrifices will you have to make to climb the career ladder of your choice? Are you ready to throw it all away for career? Or stick to the family first motto?

    All these aspects and maybe more need to be discussed s to ensure there are no misconceptions or assumptions. I wish you all the best!

  • Topics to discuss in a relationship before you settle down (1)

    By Rois OLA

    FOR a while, I have been honored to counsel people in some shape or form for about 15 years, and I have observed that quite a number of partners never discussed some key issues or topics before settling down. Some have avoided it deliberately  while some are not even aware issues like these should be raised and addressed from the beginning. You sometimes see cases where husband and wife have drastically different ideas on where they’d like to raise a family, career, religion, running a joint  account and so much more. Below are some of the topics I personally consider need to be discussed if you and your spouse are serious about each other.

    1. Debt before and after

    Money matter is one of the major things that can cause distrust amongst couples.You must ask the question:who is currently  in debt and  what is the plan for repayment? Even after settling down, you should not incur a debt that will affect your partner.If it will, please carry him/her along. If there is no transparency in this aspect that union may never have enough trust or stand the test of time.

    1. Child bearing and upbringing

    Sad to say, not everyone wants children. To some if they never have kids, that can break them, while for others they don’t care if they have kids or not. Do you want them? If so, how many? If not, are you sure about that decision to take permanent steps to ensure you don’t have them (like a vasectomy)? Or tying of tubes? If you do want them, when do you want to have your first? second, third and maybe 12th. I remember I, in the past, always wanted six children. My husband gave me a resounding NO; he wanted only two or maybe even one. Eventually we came to an agreement of two children. As at now, I am considering adoption but he is yet to agree, hopefully soon. Another question to ask is: Are you open to adoption or fertility treatments if you’re unable to conceive naturally? How long do you want to try to conceive naturally before trying different options? Would you be open to surrogacy or other methods of having a child? May be going to an orphanage? This also has to be discussed extensively.

    1. Settling down location

    Where would you like to live? And if you don’t want to put roots down and would prefer to stay on the move indefinitely, is it something your partner would be open to? Remember nature of job has to be considered as well. Would you say any location is fine with you? Or you have specific areas you would hate living in? In terms of street, state, country? If you love where you live, what would persuade you to move? Is it more pay? Better job? Children? Proximity to parents or other extended family? School? Easy access to basic amenities? Security?

    1. Religion

    If you practice a religion or any faith, is it important to you that your partner shares the same faith and practice with you? How does your religion or faith affect your lifestyle or even his/her own? Can either of you tolerate each other’s religion? If you plan to have kids, what religion, if any, do you want to raise them in? Would you mind if none of them goes with your own faith and belief? Would you tolerate them being indoctrinated by another?

    1. Plan for your ideal home

    Do you want a mansion in Victoria Garden city, Lagos? Or normal 3-bedroom flat in Mushin Lagos?  A cozy bungalow in Ikoyi? Or ‘face me I slap you’ in Ajegunle? It may not be so easy to build your own physical home as not everyone ends up becoming a landlord.But knowing whether you and your partner share common goals will help solidify your roles as partners in each other’s lives, showing respect and consideration establishing a common ground confirming that you both are on the same page.

    • Continued Next Week