The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Signs showing your relationship is for sex only

    By Rios OLA

    SEGUN and Clara have been together for a few years. Clara is a trader and business woman while Segun is a banker. The both of them love what they do for a living and are very responsible people, however they don’t exactly understand each other anymore. The only time they agree on anything is when they have sex. When Clara wants to get Segun to listen she can only get his attention when he gets turned on. She is fed up and is looking for a way out.

    This is one of the most interesting topics I know that may be obvious to some at the same time not obvious to all. It’s certainly not obvious to the sexually-satisfied because they have no lack in this area, but for those that their relationships are suffering and yet still consummate midnight gymnastics, they will understand the point of today’s topic which is that great sex is never enough. I mean what is the point of great and awesome sex, yet your relationship is like a living hell. Beautiful in the night (or whenever the deed happens) and terrible during the day. You can only have a sensible discussion during sex. Definitely not good enough and not healthy.

    I will do my best to outline obvious signs to trigger your thoughts to know when all is not well. You may choose to not agree with me, but the truth is bitter.

    Lack of compatibility

    Do you know it is possible to live in the same house with your partner physically and operate as if you are both living in two different countries? Compatibility is very important for any relationship. You must know and understand, tolerate each other. The minute the both of you don’t have this level of being compatible in terms of being able to think and reason on the same wave length then you have a lot of work to do. Your brain frequency must align. You cannot be talking about one thing and your partner is interpreting it to be another time and time again.

    If you are an extrovert and love sharing your thoughts and self with people, and sometimes maybe even strangers, to the extent where it seems you have no secret, your spouse may not find that funny and probably hate it. Of course, she/he may be able to tolerate it, but if it’s something they cannot tolerate at all and are not considering shifting for you, then that may be a pointer to being incompatible. The relationship may not last.

     Too much chemistry

    At this level, all you have working is your pheromones. It calls and you answer. It is the basis for your sexual chemistry and can help you operate at a high sexual level any day anytime, your bodies fit yet your mind does not fit. Chemistry for some is not a problem, it’s the reason why some people can even sleep with their enemies. Having some sexual chemistry and spark is great for any relationship, but it’s crucial that you don’t take it as the most important thing or even forget that love, respect, tolerance are basic ingredients for any relationship and not just great sex. It makes no sense when you both cannot relate, but once you see a bed you jump for it as if you are going for the marathon race in the Olympics. This will prevent you from actually getting to know and understand each other or to even discover if you are truly meant to be together forever.

    Absence of communication

    Not being able to communicate effectively or constructively with your partner is a major problem. Many couples struggle with this, maybe because men are wired differently and women think emotionally. It is a struggle even I had to and still deal with, after all we are all human and no one is perfect. Many of us even as adults lack the skill to communicate well due to impatience, upbringing, culture, tolerance and outright stubbornness. It is something you have to continuously work on. Once you can make an effort to work on your relationship, you will see things visibly change, a healthy relationship requires both the physical and emotional aspect, where you can truly unite with your spouse inside and outside the bed sheet. Too much of sex will not give you time to know each other and listen to what makes you both tick! Sure, communication about what you like sexually as per how you like to be touched and kissed is awesome for any relationship, but if that is all you ever get to talk about, then it means your relationship is for sex only and may not last if a timely correction is not done. You need to build depth in your relationship and this can only be achieved by proper communication not sex alone.

     Problem of touching in public and thoughts of sex only

    Some people love sex more than others. It is like oxygen for some of them. If you find out that you are always looking for opportunity to grab every part of your spouse in public not caring who is looking, then it means you need to slow down on the sexual energy a bit. It may point to you having a sexual dependency problem, where instead of appreciating your environment, all you want is sex. You need to ensure you have some time for fresh air to breathe and think. Go on real dates, if you ever feel that all your partner agrees to is sex and nothing else, then it’s time to start thinking.

     The solution to end a fight is makeup sex

    Trust me, hot sex make up is not a bad idea and not a bad thing with the right person, but there is actually a very thing boundary when it comes to overcoming an issue and sorting it completely for future re occurrence. So, if you’re not addressing the problem through communication, before having that hot sex, then this will be a problem and show a not too healthy sexual dependency., Just imagine when all you do is see each other in the night no introduction to issues on ground or moves to resolve or communicate and it’s just sex only. Or if you are dating someone and you only see each other when it’s time for sex, you don’t even know each other’s family. What does that tell you? It could mean that you’re not looking at the relationship from an emotional, long-term standpoint. Your are there to serve a sexual need. Signs like these show that the relationship exists only in the bedroom, if you are both on the same page then hurray to you both. But it is best to be sure if you and your spouse are on the same frequency, just be sure where you stand with minimal confusion to avoid a broken heart.

    So what are we saying here. For sex only is not sustainable for any long-term relationship. One day, things will fall apart and the centre will not hold. I wish you all the best

  • Coping with rejection in a relationship

    By Rios OLA

    Rejection in life is normal, some of us at one point or another get to be or feel rejected. This is one of the things you get to face in this journey called Life.

    It is indeed a terrible feeling to be rejected by someone you love or someone you expect to love you. Some people face rejection from father or mother or sister or brother or friend, relative and even spouse. The worst is when you are rejected or misunderstood by everyone! when someone you love rejects you it causes an unbearable pain, it feels like you are going to die instantly, your heart feels uprooted, tears will not even be enough to express how you feel.

    I have been there more than once and I am sure you reading this, may have felt this too at one time in your life. Some people are able to cope and recover from rejection very quickly while some it takes them so much time. At times people in a bid to escape the sad feeling resort to using drugs and get addicted to bad habits, this is only a temporary fix and cannot solve the problem, which is darling with the hurt. Some people stop eating when they are hurt, some withdraw from the world, while some decide sadly to commit suicide. If you haven’t felt it, it may be difficult to explain because it is a deep and very powerful emotional state that if not properly handled can be very dangerous. It makes people do terrible things from vengeance to outright self-harm.

    The essence of this article is to encourage people in relationships to handle rejection in a healthy manner. This is easier said than done. That is because we all interpret rejection in different ways and if you have never been rejected before it can be a major blow to your self-esteem.

    Is there a way to clear the pain, like drinking Panadol to stop headache? No, there is no instant relief from rejection, but you can CONTROL when you feel rejected.

    I may not be able to give all the answers, but I will give simple and clear tips on how to control the situation.

    1. Allow yourself experience the feelings. Don’t try to stop yourself from feeling the experience. Trying to hide Don’t try to hide from them or push them away. Let them come. Feel them. Let them out. They may not stop immediately but they will definitely get better. No matter how much you weep or shed tears it will stop one day and then the feeling becomes a thing of the past.
    2. The pain will come and go. In the process of feeling grief, there will be days the grief will hit you hard, you will feel as if you are wining, and there will be days it will be like all is well. This cycle can continue steady for a while, any day you try to suppress the feeling, it will almost choke you and over whelm you. But you know what? Don’t run away from it, let it come and DEAL with it. Simple ways of occupying your mind and time, have less of an idle time during this period.
    3. Know that you must experience the stages of grief. When you have a wonderful relationship with someone and all of a sudden it goes bad, it sometimes feels like someone just killed you. Shock, anger, sadness, fear and even depression takes over, you have to know that these feelings are normal, it is even worse if your partner leaves you for a younger woman or younger man, or older woman, richer man. It complicates things most especially because it destroys your self-confidence, making you feel less than special, it communicates to you that the person left you for someone supposedly better.
    4. Create a solid support system. You as an individual may be withdrawn at this point, relating with people may be difficult, but now is not the time to hide or run away from people. Don’t stay in bed, refuse to have a bath, refuse phone calls, or become nasty. Ensure you get support from REAL friends, people who will listen and not judge you, people who will comfort you and give you a shoulder to cry on. One day you may be able to return the favor. We need each other to survive.
    5. Avoid blaming yourself. Most times people who face rejection tend to blame themselves, especially if they have been made to feel less than special. They always ask “what did I do wrong?”, “Why was I not good enough?”. Have it in mind that in some cases it is not your fault, every relationship involves two adults, all it takes is one person making that decision to say IT IS OVER! you can take a horse to the stream, you cannot force it to drink water. People call it quits for many reasons, and some of the reasons may just be that, they themselves are unable to commit or function in a proper relationship or rather have unresolved past issues, which Is affecting both of you. Sometimes the best thing to do is end it, no matter how painful.
    6. Do not abandon yourself or forget you have a reason to be alive. It is a common human response to neglect yourself when you are sad or just ended a relationship. It is very important to eat well, start a new workout routine, go to the movies, make new friends, re start abandoned projects, learn a new trade, go for online courses, because an idle mind is the devils workshop. Take enough rest, go for walks to clear your head, listen to music, join the choir, just finding something interesting to do to help you remember who you are. Most of all spend time with people who really love you, not eye service or fake love. change your thoughts from your partner. Find within yourself other reasons to live. We are not saying fall out of love with your partner instantly NO. What I am saying is try to stop being clingy or emotionally helpless, stop existing as if you can’t survive without that person.

    Remember old hobbies you abandoned. Pursue it and connect with like-minded people who reason like you. You will see in time that you are able to derive emotional strength from these connections. This action alone has the capability of helping you recover from the pain and hurt, but also prepare you ahead to be able to solve issues even with your future partner and whoever else you come across in life. Loving your partner is not a bad thing, but being unable to function without the partner is the issue we are trying to address. It is not healthy at all if you are unable to think, eat or breathe without your partner, these actions will end up suffocating them and make them run away from you. The minute you are able to survive without them and stop being emotionally clingy to the point where they have no breathing space, then you have overcome a major challenge and can survive anything. of course this will also strengthen your relationship and possibly help your partner find lots of reasons to love you the way you should be loved.

    1. Get yourself a counsellor. The aftermath of a broken relationship can be bad. Recovery has no stipulated time. What you actually need is patience, lots and lots of it. And whenever it feels overwhelming you take a deep breath. Whenever you feel the wave of depression or something bigger coming in and you can’t seem to handle or no one to talk to please get a counsellor. This counsellor should be able at least help you overcome that feeling of rejection and help you guide your thoughts.

    Very important advice to note

    Most people tend to start a new relationship to help them get over the past quicker. This is not an advisable way to handling rejection. It may help you recover to an extent, but in the long run hurt the new person, it is not a   healthy practice and I strongly advise against this. Just give yourself enough time to heal, learn and recover. Don’t go ahead to start what will still end up in tears, recover first and be sure you are actually OVER it before you jump into a new one. I wish you all the best.

  • 10 things you should avoid saying to your wife

    By Praise Olowe

    Words are powerful and can be used to build an amazing relationship or destroy one.

    Here are 10 things you should avoid saying to your wife because women can be quite fragile and emotional.

    “It’s up to you.”

    Ladies generally don’t always like to hear this. If you are trying to come up with a plan or something, and your wife seeks your opinion regarding it, “It’s up to you” can be a very frustrating response and could even make her give attitudes for the rest of the day. Please engage in conversation with her to find a solution that works for both of you.

    “I don’t remember saying that”

    Sir? Why won’t you remember? It is important to know that women are confident in their memory. Be careful how you handle this conversation or it could quickly turn into a fight.
    If you feel confident in your own memory, try something different like “the way I remember it is…” and approach it from a neutral perspective. Saying something like “I don’t remember saying that” can feel like an attack and put your wife on the defence.

    “I don’t know.”

    Your wife is asking what you’d like for dinner, and you saying I don’t know. Even as a daughter, it gets really annoying when I ask my dad “can I serve your food now” and he says “I don’t know” please what do you not know exactly?

    When your wife turns to you for some insight or help and you reply with “I don’t know” and keep doing what you’re doing, you leave your wife feeling alone. Instead, jump in and make some suggestions. Just say something that will benefit you both please.

    “Nothing”
    The “silent treatment,” is very dangerous to any relationship at all. It creates disconnection and frustration. Instead, tell your wife you need a short time to “cool off,” and then intentionally go back to the conversation later.

    “I’ll do it later”

    Please, what happened to now? Or at least why not specify when exactly. We all know that later could be next year. If you do say it, be the person who does it within a reasonable time.

    “What have you done all day?”

    Personally, I feel like this is the height of it all. This is just a big no, no! Some women stay home to take care of the kids while the husband goes to work, or perhaps works from home. I beg you to please never come home and ask your wife what she’s been doing all day. Maybe the house isn’t perfect or dinner is a bit late, just don’t ask such. It can be really really annoying.

    Read Also; Six ways to win over your crush

    “Get out!”
    Okay, is there a crisis situation?, I mean, is the house on fire? did a tree fall on the house or somewhere near? Please and please, if any of these is not the case then do not order your wife out. She didn’t sign up to be bullied. No matter what the issue is, give it time to cool off.

    “You always….” or “You never…”

    You don’t have to criticize her or at least find a better way of doing it. Instead of discussing all of your wife’s shortcomings, again, be constructive. Simply tell her how you feel and what you would like her to do differently. Yes, you can still do this while married.

    “It’s your fault.”

    Even if it is her fault, you should find a better way of making her realize it. Assigning blame only takes you further into disagreements. It is nonconstructive. Remember, you’re a team, and you can be part of the solution.

    “You’re fat”

    Such a blunt statement will never be seen as helpful but hurtful. Your wife knows it that she has put on weight and she might have already made plans to drop off a few pounds. She might be already under some pressure regarding her weight gain, and saying she is fat will only worsen matters for her. So, please be gentle.

  • How to make interfaith relationship work

    Sikiru and Hannah (not real names) were crazily in love with each other. Sikiru is from a strong Muslim family, while Hannah’s parents are very religious Christians. After much trial and tribulation, they were able to finally have a relationship together and for seven years did their best to live in peace till things took a turn when Sikiru and Hannah, both serious in their separate religions, started having religious arguments every now and then. Sometimes the other person refusing to accept or keep quiet and let peace be. The strain of too many fights was breaking them up gradually, until Sikiru who was no longer comfortable at home and stylishly moved out for a few weeks. This was just the beginning of bigger issues to come.

    Over time I have discovered that life gives you quite a handful of deal breakers, which could be issues bordering on personality, attitude, wealth or poverty, lifestyle choices and so on. Some of these deal breakables are able to withstand life’s pressures depending on how they are handled, while some of these issues will make both partners emotionally incompatible. If we are talking about someone who is very religious, it can be a very sensitive issue in the sense that even without being in an emotional relationship, religious topics or discussions easily blow up and get seriously out of hand.  If someone is serious about their religious or spiritual practice, then you need to be sensitive to them. I would, however, advise caution when venturing into interfaith  relationship

    Interfaith relationship is a relationship between partners professing different religions. It could either be Christian and Muslim, pagan and Christian, pagan  and atheist, traditionalist and Muslim, traditionalist and Christain, Muslim and pagan and so on. Disagreement in life is normal, even people professing the same faith will argue and disagree, but disrespect is not allowed, because once you throw in disrespect, things can and will never work. It is important to acknowledge your religious difference, talk about them constantly so as to always be on the same page. Listening to each other is very important, in any interfaith relationship apart from the faith you profess, you have to share other common grounds in several areas, reason being that any decision being made jointly, once it is influenced moderately or strongly, it can present a problem down the line.

    Interfaith relationships have been existing for years and will still exist, no matter how people fight it, most times because love is involved. In a situation where the couple are really serious about each other , then below are a few points I have tried to explain below to help me understand and maintain the relationship, of course, as long as external factors are not able to break or destroy everything.

    Ensuring you have enough patience

    An interfaith relationship is definitely going to have one or more difficult times. There will also be days when it appears as if every day is full of trials and tribulations. It will be difficult for a Christian to explain to atheist why he or she has to fast for 70 days on “ori oke” (the mountain), the first thought to an atheist would be what kind of mountain is this? Why 70 days? A Muslim may also find it difficult to educate an unbeliever why dinner must wait till after sundown during Ramadan or why they can’t stand pig meat.

    A Christian may be shocked at why a traditionalist will have to use feathers, animal skin, sprinkle blood and make sacrifice to “Sango” (the thunder deity), in another case an atheist will argue to no end why a Christian should believe in something or someone they cannot see. In conflicting situations like this it will lead to annoyance, irritation, and eventually someone is going to commit what some of my friends will call “a diarrhea of the mouth situation”.

    You really have to be cautious and patient, with the willingness to explain as much as you can as many times as possible and with as much details as possible without getting annoyed. Some people hate repeating things, but in this case you have to be ready to keep explaining why you are always on the mountain!  Have it in mind that your faith sounds excellent to you, but may not sound excellent to your partner. Do not expect them to understand it all at once from the beginning.

    Ensuring respect for your partner

    One of the things I recommend for all relationships, no matter the age is respect. It is so precious and something that should not be toyed with. With interfaith relationships, it is a very important requirement. No matter how much you argue or disagree with your partner, never overlook the aspect of respect, it is key.If one person is very religious and the other is not,  is that enough reason to ridicule or put their faith down? Or even make them feel less than worthy?

    Definitely not if you will not be tolerant enough to respect and appreciate your partner’s religion, then that will amount to serious problems for both of you and of course no more peace of mind. Because most people that are very religious attach so much importance to it, they merge their religions with their identities.

    In another instance, if your partner is not religious, it would really be nice, if you can at least try to get involved in nonreligious events that they love, to make them feel you at least care. Respect is and should be reciprocal. Ideally, if you give respect you get respect, but if you don’t give respect, don’t expect to get it in return. If you ignore the part of respect, they will dislike and then hate you at the end of the day, which will lead to the end of the relationship.

    All relationships must be built on mutual respect.  The funny thing in relationship is most people say love is blind, but there are times in between  that the love blindness turns to red eyes , once the “ love sickness” wears out , it is then the statue of Mary, the mother of Jesus, in the living room will start annoying you, it is then you will warn your in-laws and threaten them with 30 strokes of the cane if you catch them eating pork meat, it is also then the mention of the greeting.“As- salâmu alaykum irritates you, it is then you start telling your spouse  “Sango “ is old school. Interfaith relationships can push one to the very edge if not well managed. It takes as earlier explained lots of patience and now in addition respect.

    There is just no way out of it. You must clash, be it a minor issue or major issue. The decision is yours to either fall for the clash and scatter everything totally or take a deep breath, swallow spit or pride and just walk away, if you feel the relationship is worth it, then you need to put in the work.

    When we say put in the work, it means as a Christian when it is time for Muslim prayers you should not be irritated with prayer time or angry when they have to  wear hijab. It means as a Muslim if your spouse is always shouting holy ghost during prayer and asking enemies to fall down and die you should not be irritated, but can playfully join in asking the enemies to fall down and die. Or something similar to show them you respect the fact that there are spiritual battles to be fought, it also means as a Muslim if your spouse is a traditionalist and needs to bath in the river Nile , every two days then so be it , either walk away or learn to live with it , if you can tolerate  bathing in the Nile with them, then that would be great as well.

    Ensure you always see the funny side to issues

    Years ago I tried to attend an event organized by my in-laws, being Muslims, head scarf and hijab are part of the regalia. I hate anything covering my head, even wearing a hat to church is like punishment, once I have any extra thing God didn’t create put on my head, I start having headache.

    There are days I leave home with long hair and get back home with short hair. My family is used to this; they know when it comes to my head any extra weight is forbidden.  So on this fine day at the family event, I was required to wear hijab or scarf, you need to see me sweating.

    I struggled for a few minutes, then my husband tried to help me tie my scarf; it was a disaster. We kept laughing and laughing, and when I came out with the ugliest looking scarf tied on my head, I just told them it was my husband that did it. The event became a laughing jamboree for everyone. I still don’t like such events, but we make it fun every time we attend one. Remember what I always say about team work. As a team, you can conquer anything.

    Understand as much as possible that your partner is trying to get things right. They may not partake or believe in your faith, but they are trying to honour you and take part when they can, so please respect and cherish it. Try to always look at the funny side of it; do not be sarcastic, but humorous. Do not get tired of explaining, even when they ask what you may consider as silly questions.

    In fact, it makes a lot of sense, if you do proper research, nothing too tedious anyway, but enough to help you understand the basic things. Ask questions concerning things you don’t understand. It doesn’t mean you will convert, but it shows you are willing to make things work.

    Ensure you have the “talk” before it gets serious

    I have a friend who is good at always telling me Rois, “what you cannot tolerate when you are rich, don’t tolerate it when you are poor” No matter how tolerant you are, finding out your partner is not willing to be compatible or tolerate you even at an early stage can end everything. Religious incompatibility is a topic that needs to be discussed early and not put off for later. Cultural issues alone can destroy relationships, so we really don’t need to add religion to it again.

    Do your best to see if you can make things work, but if you can’t, at least you know you did the best you could. Recognize the signs that show incompatibility and consciously make effort to help the relationship survive the storm or take a walk.

    Relationships will always have issues. Interfaith will probably face more issues than normal. This does not mean it is not worthwhile. It is unique. It is challenging. You may struggle, but you will learn a lot. You will be wiser. It will mature you; it will help you appreciate your partner and also appreciate your faith as well. And with team work, you can conquer anything. I wish you all the best.

     

  • Who should make decisions in your relationship?

    Tomiwa and Angela (not real names) have been   together for seven years. In some relationships, it is the woman that is in charge of all decisions being made in the house, while for some couples it is the man. The sad part is if the woman appears to be in control over the man, it becomes a big issue. Why? Because there is a common misconception that to be a man you have to make all the decisions. Do all the work and the woman come along for the ride.

    In a relationship, it is the two of you making the decisions together. No one has to lord their opinion over the other. To be peace and good health in that relationship, you must learn to communicate properly on what works to make each of you happy together. For instance, my husband and I usually go to watch movies together, especially when we want to escape from the children. I love horror film. The screaming, the blood, the running up and down excite me. Please, don’t ask me why because I am not sure I even know the reason why myself.

    My husband hates horror film. He can’t stand it for a second. So imagine going to the movies and it is time to make a decision on what to watch and then I say horror film, do you think he will be willing to watch it? Definitely not, but instead, he will prefer action films, investigation FBI type of movies which make me sleep within five minutes. We have both learnt to come to an amicable decision. So here’s what we do! First of all, before going to the movies we scan through what is available, discuss for 10 minutes on each movie and what we stand to gain or enjoy, then we agree on what we both find interesting before proceeding to the cinema. This is the art in simple terms of making a decision together. Sometimes, I get my way, sometimes I don’t, but anytime I don’t get my way, he promises to allow me watch what I want the next time, or we buy the cheap version so I can take home and watch at my leisure.

    Another example is food. Hubby likes heavy food, while I have a slower digestive system. I can’t eat heavy food; it is also not convenient all the time cooking separate food every day. So we agree together on what to eat to favour everyone. This is not to say your whole life should become a conference centre, but for both of you to think in the best interest of the family and make decisions that are not self-centred. You do not need to force your spouse on every decision you make. The best and easiest way to this is, as a man provide general leadership and give approval for things. Don’t ever stress too much or think you’re not manly enough because you are not making all the decisions.  What you need to do is provide general leadership for the relationship.

    There are several ways to make wonderful decisions together because you are a team.

    1. Do not make decisions without considering long term effects of each decision you make like job, relocation, in- laws, friendships with others, privacy, academics and so on.
    2. You need to be sincere with each other, state your feelings clearly so they understand your thoughts on every decision being made and how it affects you.
    3. Find ways all the time or as much as possible to meet each other half way, in essence find ways to sacrifice for each other.
    4. Always be open to each other; do not shut your spouse out and act as if their acceptance does not count because it does.
    5. Pray about it together. Life is not about the physical alone; it also involves the spiritual.
    6. Seek to always agree from your heart. This is a situation where you will not harbor a grudge or malice because you have decided to agree on issues or decisions with your spouse.

    One must always try to focus on making good decisions rather than trying to see the best way to manipulate the future. Some couples are afraid of making decisions because they don’t want to be blamed in the future for whatever decision they make. Unfortunately life is a risk and one must take full ownership and responsibility for any decision being made. When your partner makes a decision, you must be able to wholeheartedly and logically see the good sides of the decision, as long as it is not a selfish one. Making decisions with your partner is not an easy one. Reason is that you most likely have different backgrounds and home training and values, different orientation of life and sometimes different religions.

    When you are single and searching, you can make decisions that favour only you which most likely may not require anybody’s input or acceptance, you may also have the liberty of not caring if it affects other people, but if you happen to be in a committed relationship, making decisions requires the agreement and buy in from both parties and even if you refuse to accept the truth, every decision you make will affect the other person.

    The truth is once you get into a relationship, the decisions you can make on your own becomes very limited. You may not need to make all decisions together, but most have to be done together. In a healthy relationship, each spouse must put into consideration feelings of their partner before making a decision. We are not talking about decisions on how to fry egg, type of meat to buy, when to brush your teeth, time to use the toilet or when to do morning devotion. Waiting for spouse to concur with your decision should not over take common sense.

    Sometime ago, a couple came to me for counsel, and after several arguments in front of me, of course I allowed each of them to air their views and displeasure, I discovered what they had problem with was joint decision making process.

    In a proper situation, two must come together as one, but the woman was totally adamant to have her way, not giving the man space to even say or approve anything. On the other hand, he wasn’t against her making decisions, but her voice kept drowning him out.

    Some other time I have seen roles reversed where the man becomes Hitler, totally unreasonable and not ready to move a bit in the decision making process, insisting his word is law, from mundane decisions to totally extreme and life changing ones. Well a lot of such relationships end up crashing.

    Decision making by both spouses together builds trust and improves intimacy. I am a 200 % supporter of intimacy not sex but intimacy because this is what eventually sustains the relationship, that emotional connection that keeps your mind and soul in sync. If you can coordinate your schedule as much as possible to suit each other, check in with each other via messages, sms, WhatsApp, calls and communicate properly, making joint decisions will be easier and take less effort.

    In fact, it will come easy to both of you. Each decision made together deepens your love and respect for each other. The level of trust will increase, and invariably you will learn to not only be considerate, but to also each other’s needs equal or above your own. To enjoy the best of any relationship as regards making decisions you have to take full responsibility for their feelings that will give you the maximum enjoyment and fulfilment which will help you attain a sustainable level of your relationship that can weather any storm.

    It is not to strive for perfection, but to strive for an even balance of understanding, love, mutual respect and consideration.

    This balance can be attained by following some simple rules which I have always preached in previous articles and will still preach because they are principles that work.

    Ensure balanced communication. This is an aspect where you get to see things from each other’s view , with everyone understanding what is considered valuable or useful information. This will help you understand how your spouse thinks, and automatically help you know what they like , dislike and how to make informed decisions even in their absence without upsetting them.

    Mutual Respect: What I have learnt over time is when I am making my own decisions. I have to respectfully think of how it will affect my spouse. I also consider that yes the decision may be wrong. Yes, I may feel it will end up in disaster, but I am ready to accept and manage that disaster with them, my husband and I have a phrase we use “we are in it together, good or bad.” So, sometimes I make horrible decisions, which I have been warned by my spouse not to. I still stubbornly make those decisions and immediately I enter trouble, my spouse tries to help and sometimes bears the consequence with me.

    Permit me to give you one funny instance.I made a wrong financial investment in the category of network marketing where your money doubles. Hubby advised me not to invest that it would crash,but I refused.  Some money was lured into further investment when the crash came. I wept in shame because I lost money and I was warned , but greed didn’t allow me see clearly. I wanted to make quick money.

    Quick money is not always good money. Anyway, this is not for financial advice, but to let you know how hubby respectfully allowed me make my own mistake, but stood by me when I lost money. He did not kill me, beat me or say I told you so, but I know within myself I didn’t do well. This is not same in all relationships. It takes a level of maturity to be able to swallow pride, swallow pain and swallow the defeat of a terrible decision you have made.

    As long as you and your spouse communicate, respect and make sure you are accountable to each other, then making decisions becomes a piece of cake and, of course, you will grow stronger together. Remember what we said earlier. You are a team. I wish you all the best.

  • Benefits of marrying an Igbo or Yoruba girl

    Adeyinka Akintunde

     

    Love is a beautiful thing. The Holy Book says that it is not good for a man to be alone, and that a man must leave his father and his mother and will get married to his wife and the two of them will become one.

    Marriage is revered and it is carefully entered into. A man is always careful to choose the wife he marries, as it is widely believed that 90 per cent of the success or failure of a person depends on the person he or she gets married to in life.
    There are however things to know if a man gets married to a girl from the two major tribes in Nigeria. There are inherent benefits of marrying an Igbo girl from the South-East and a Yoruba girl from the South-West.

     

    IGBO

    One quick advantage to mention about Igbo girls is that it is widely argued that they are extremely beautiful and considered the best when it comes to cooking.

    Other advantages may include:

    1.            She will raise your children with love and teach them her local language

     If you marry an Igbo girl, you can be sure that your children would speak the Igbo language whether you like it or not. She would raise the children with love and instill the right values and morals into them.

    The Igbo people value their culture a lot and would make sure they pass something from it onto their children- your children.

    This means that your children would be able to speak more than one language.

    2.            Her family members will always visit

    There is nothing like total privacy if you marry an Igbo woman. Her family members would always visit and the house will always be full.

    This has advantages and disadvantages as you may spend more seeing to their affairs while playing the perfect in-law but you can be sure it would be fun all the way.

    This would make your wife happy and more contented.

    3.            They are very religious

    Igbos are very religious people and their preferred religion is Christianity. Most Igbo girls are brought up in strict religious homes and as such, they have the fear of God and the belief in His supremacy instilled in them.

    Even when they leave their parents, they still carry those values with them into their marriage and homes. So prepare yourself for church every Sunday, and get ready to observe religious holidays and church programmes once married to an Igbo girl, because they hardly compromise on this or convert to other religions

    4.            Do not cheat on an Igbo girl if you still want to live

     They may not kill you physically but be sure that life will be very difficult for you and your mistress if you get caught. If you want to marry an Igbo girl, then you should know that as subtle and sweet as they are, they could be highly venomous when pushed and taken for granted.

    They are not ladies who would fold their hands while you cheat on them. They would confront you and your lover with their findings and would deal with both successfully.

     

    YORUBA

    1.            Yoruba girls are very respectful

     The moment a child is born in Yorubaland every elder around him or her suddenly becomes his/her parent as he or she is not only restricted to receiving discipline from the biological parent. This has made it very easy to inculcate habits like being respectful in the young child.

    Yoruba girls are brought up to totally give respect to whoever it is due. The Yoruba culture says that when a youngster meets an elder, she must kneel down to greet as a sign of respect.

    This is a major reason why Yoruba ladies top the list of respectful tribes in Nigeria

    2.            Yoruba girls are hardworking

    A lot of Yoruba girls grew up with the teachings of self-reliance. This is because at a tender age, they get taught how to do major household chores and how to exceptionally take care of the house, the man of the house and the children.  So, it is safe to call a Yoruba girl a better “helpmeet”, as she would help with her hardworking, enterprising spirit in shaping your life.

    3.            Yoruba girls are highly Intellectual

    A high percentage of Yoruba girls take school and education seriously. This gives them an edge over other ladies from other tribes in Nigeria.

    A typical Yoruba girl would prefer to go to school, get her degrees and certificates before thinking of marriage, which is rare in some tribes. This help them plan their lives well enough; get prepared for the future before jumping into it.

    4.            Yoruba girls age gracefully

    Because most Yoruba girls keep themselves before marriage, there are better chances for them to look way younger than their real age. They are ever agile even in old age to tend to their family. Just like fine old wine, Yoruba girls get stronger as they grow older.

    So, guys, which one do you want?

  • When issues of the past affect your present relationship

    Amaka and Teddy (not real names) have been dating for 14 months. Teddy was madly in love with Amaka , but because her previous boyfriend was a Casanova , she was always expecting Teddy to cheat on her. Teddy on the other hand being very handsome and a good guy was to Amaka a potential ladies’ man, so no matter how much Teddy tried to tell her he loved only her, she didn’t believe him and was expecting him to cheat on her the way her ex did. Her constant monitoring and jealous tantrum was destroying the relationship gradually. Finally, they were able to seek for counsel and discovered that past hurts in her previous relationship were affecting them negatively.

    This is a common story to so many couples, especially the ones recovering from a bad relationship, just getting into a new one. When you leave a bad relationship, the next one may seem like a bomb waiting to explode. Sometimes we cook up problems that don’t exist. We are not saying be blind to your spouse’s fault, but the issue at hand is to explain how one can move on from a past relationship and enjoy the current one without allowing issues from your past affect you.

    A lot of people develop negative mindsets due to previous hurt or pain experienced from spouse, friend or family member and thereby create a defence mechanism to avoid heart break and pain.

    There are quite a number of ways to tell if your past is affecting your present or even your future. And one of the best ways is when you quarrel or fight, what are the typical issues that come up? Is it about the opposite sex?  Money? Sex? Pride? Chores? Responsibility? Forgiveness?

    The truth is if you don’t get rid of issues you faced in past relationship and come to terms with it , they will definitely affect you in a negative way.

    I will try to address a few of the issues that are common to most relationships which may have their major source from unresolved past hurts / experiences with others.

    1. The fear of being dumped or abandoned

    Hmmm this is a big one. No matter how young or old, being dumped is the worst feeling, even worse when there is no exact traceable reason why, other than the fact that he/she doesn’t love you anymore.

    So many people have been dumped on their wedding day, introduction day, after introduction, after having a baby, after paying bride price, after paying school fees, after building house, and so much more. It makes one feel used, especially if one of the parties has been sucked dry. When one is suddenly dumped or abandoned by a past lover, spouse or friend, it can be extremely difficult to build another friendship without having the thought of “what if she dumps me?” or “what if he uses me for sex only and moves on to the next young, fresh, yellow skinned lady?” Truly it is only God or Allah that can see and know all things, no man can exactly understand how another man thinks 100 %, a man you claim to know today can transform tomorrow, even good people are capable of doing bad things, which is why we are comfortable in blaming the devil for everything except ourselves.

    Anyone who has been dumped before will be afraid of being dumped again. It will be difficult to open up completely to anyone. Unfortunately, you cannot totally  avoid being heartbroken or vulnerable because you have to take a risk to love , being alive alone is a risk. We need to know that we must stand up and take responsibility for our hearts and actions. You have to face the reality of things and ensure that yes you were dumped but it is not the end to life and an opportunity to learn how to avoid such happen. It doesn’t mean you have to turn into a shell and stay inside like a tortoise. Life is for the living and must be enjoyed.

    1. Creating the lion armour syndrome

    Most times because of past hurts, people create a very strong armor to protect themselves, and what this does in essence is that it makes you unable to share your thoughts, feelings and fears without your spouse, you only succeed in closing off everything so that no one can hurt you again. It is almost as if you become a zombie and if anyone tries to come close to you, roar like a lion to scare them off. Such people never find joy in any relationship because wounds are so deep, no matter what you do they can never be happy, even if you cut your leg or hand of.

    Emotionally, you make your partner suffer because you are making them suffer for crimes someone else committed. It is a style of withholding yourself emotionally. Regardless of anything, you need to work on this issue. The more you can try to make effort to open up, the more you can share who you really are with your spouse. It is a difficult path to follow, but healing is very possible. You just need to make an attempt, especially if your spouse is worth it. First step is honesty about how you feel on certain issues to help build intimacy. Don’t just carry your issues on your head.

    1. Being used for sex issue

    Sex is fun no doubt, some people have the stamina of going at it 24/7 , good luck to them! While some prefer to use time table, what is good for Peter may not be good for Paul.  The issue here now is the category of people who feel they have been used for sex only by previous partners. This is a serious issue and can affect a relationship negatively because focusing on sex only to keep your partner means insecurity is seriously at play and then when this partner gets tired of sex , what next? Sex issue gets in the way of intimacy. Thinking sex is the only thing to offer is a dangerous move. We won’t always stay beautiful, and we won’t always stay handsome.

    I remember when I had accident years ago, instead of me to praise God I was alive, the first thing that came to my mind was my teeth. I thought my front teeth had broken. I was so scared. God, how will I now talk , laugh or smile with several missing teeth? When my husband came to the scene, the first question I asked him was, please please check my teeth o, are they still complete?  The world says beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, but just try being ugly for a day and see how people will react towards you. Vanity is truly the order of the day. So back to sex, yes any relationship based on sex alone can never last. True love is really complex as it encompasses so many things like sacrifice, balance, forgiveness, patience, and lots of long suffering. Someone who truly loves you will appreciate you for more than sex and will never want you to feel used. But you also need to give love a chance. Someone who loves you will find you sexy inside and outside the bedroom.

     

  • Ways to have a romantic relationship in between life hustles

    Gbenga and Tutu (not real names) had been together for six years. So far, they have a good understanding
    of each other. The only issue is that Tutu is not happy, why? Gbenga is no longer as romantic as he used to be. All the things he used to do, he had practically stopped. No more wedding anniversary gifts, no more surprise gifts, once he comes back from work he will drop his clothes anyhow on the floor. To even carry the baby is headache for him. He leaves her alone to handle all the house work and all while, Gbenga, on the other hand feels the extra things Tutu used to do is no longer forthcoming: the great sex, the listening ear, the attention to his food. Instead, it is always nagging and ignoring him when she never gets her way.

    Over the years, the challenge of having and maintaining a romantic relationship with your partner is an issue of worry for many while dating, early years of marriage and many years after being married. A couple of clients keep asking: “Rois what does a healthy relationship look like”? Every relationship has its unique nature. What is good for Bisi may not necessarily be good for Joke And the only answer I have been able to give and still give is relationships will always look and feel different for every couple.

    However, in my experience with couples dating and married, I have seen that the role models you look up to is very key. For instance, if as an individual you did not get to have the experience to grow up with parents, guardians or people who can influence you, with their wonderful and healthy way of relating to each other, it may be difficult to find a healthy couple to learn from or look up to.

    The scare in this aspect could be that the “healthy couple” may just be faking it. But all things being equal, we are talking about learning from couples who actually relate properly with each other.

    So I will try in my own little way to address healthy ways to have and maintain a romantic relationship as it works differently for people and the fact remains that it finally depends on each couple how they want to function irrespective of what I may say.

    Always tell your spouse you love them and why

    Action speaks louder than words. This is a motto I have lived by in my life, but the words were also created for a reason. They speak clearly, helping erase all misconceptions. Every now and then, you have to learn to verbalize your feelings. Don’t just expect your spouse to know, especially during hard times. Just a very simple “I love you my husband, you are a great father” or “I love you my wife, thank you for standing by me through thick and thin” can go a long way. It will make your significant other not only feel wanted, but appreciated as well. It improves the security in the relationship and improves self-confidence of both of you.

    Always show affection no matter how small

    A certain amount of people, though not very comfortable with intimacy as a result of upbringing, religion or environment, may not be able to do this 100 per cent. At least, some efforts should be made to show small acts of physical intimacy. For instance, learn to hold hands. I can hear some people laughing and asking “in Nigeria?” This is not an European country o!  Yes, I know, but an act, as small as holding hand is a good way to show affection. I had to personally learn how to do this. While sitting watching a movie or TV news, put your arm over their shoulder. What people don’t realize is that the littlest touch can be as important and sometimes depending on your spouse, may be even more than having sex 24 hours a day. Quite a number of people are emotional beings. They may not want to show it.

     Always be appreciative of your partner

    It is very important to always inform your partner as often as possible on how important they are to you in the simplest terms in simple ways: by stating what you like about them , what makes you proud of them, their strength no matter how silly it may sound. Romance should not just be about bonding in every way, especially sexually alone , but it’s about connecting the mind , body and soul to your spouse , creating a win-win situation , with everyone feeling good about themselves. Words like “honey, I just love the way you analyse issues with speed and can make decisions under pressure” or “honey, I admire your skill in cooking jollof rice; I am sure you can even cook it in your sleep” or “honey no one can handle pressure like you, you make everything look so easy.” These are sincere ways of showing appreciation, which ever works for you . Please, try it and see how romance will increase in your relationship,

    Always be open about yourself

    Some couples have a poor habit of letting outsiders know and understand them better than their spouse. This is very wrong and kills the romance in any relationship. Ensure you share what you like and what you don’t like with your spouse. Infact, anything you feel is important information or worthy of note should be shared. Share intimate parts of yourself with your spouse, unless you have trust issues, but this is the right thing to do. Of course, there should also be ability to have some space and boundaries in every relationship, but it is important to share this with them, so they know what to do and what to avoid in order to make you not only happy, but improve the romance you both share.

    Always be available for your spouse

    Being supportive of your spouse is a very important rule. Life sometimes is not rosy all the time , but being available when times are tough is crucial to avoid a feeling of neglect and betrayal. There are times either of you may experience loss of job, loss of a family member, loss of business, financial loss , even loss of a child , you need to be supportive when these challenges in life come because they do come and in a lot of cases , take you by surprise.

    What we are saying is you should be supportive when there is chaos . Bring calm to the situation , be ready to listen and offer help. Sometimes you may not have the solution, but offer sympathy. Be the shoulder to cry on and don’t let them cry on another person’s shoulder.

    Always present gifts no matter how small

    It is not only on anniversary, birthday, or some major occasions that you will present gifts. Every day you are alive is an opportunity to show love, showing love in material forms doesn’t make your spouse cheap. It’s not about jewellery alone or boxers or cakes. You can pick a very good book, take them to the movies, a nice tie, bracelet with a little note by the pillow so when they wake up, they can see it. This is applicable to both sides, meaning even women can do this and not always wait for the man. Both genders should not be waiting for who will buy gifts first. Create a reason for the gift and take action. If there is no reason , then the reason of “ I love this man , or I love this woman” should be enough and this will show them amongst other good behavior that you love and care for them.

  • Simple ways to make a long-distance relationship work

    Being apart is definitely trying at times, even for couples with a relatively strong foundation. How do you get through it?

    When you’re in a long-distance relationship, being apart sucks for a number of reasons, not least of which is that you’re missing out on that all-important physical connection: holding hands, cuddling on the couch, kissing and, of course, having sex.

    “It’s normal to crave intimacy when you are apart, but sometimes maintaining intimacy and keeping things spicy is not as easy as it seems,”

    No one’s ever said that long-distance relationships are easy, but the distance doesn’t have to ruin your relationship either. With the right commitment and communication, long-distance relationships can actually be more stable than geographically close relationships.  Simple adjustments to your attitude and lifestyle can help you keep your loved one in your life.

    Many people believe that long-distance relationships are never going to work out. Your family may discourage it, and some of your best friends may advise you not to take it too seriously, in case you get your heart broken.

    Nobody says it is going to be easy-the extra distance makes many things unachievable. Things could get complicated, and you could get sad and lonely at times.

    Talk about mundane, little things: Don’t feel as though every conversation needs to be a thoughtful discussion about your relationship, hopes, or dreams. Instead, focus on the little things that couples who live together would, such as grocery shopping, doing chores around the house, or redecorating.[6] This gives the feeling of creating a home together, something you both can look forward to.

    Talking about the boring or mundane parts of your day can also foster connection and interdependence, the foundation of relationships.[7]

    Create trust: Trust in a relationship is vital, regardless of distance. Try your best to be faithful and avoid temptation. If you do make a mistake, it’s especially important to be honest and tell your partner the truth in cases where lying would benefit you. For example, if you put yourself in a position of temptation (like going to a bar), lying about your whereabouts would benefit you personally, but would benefit your relationship if you were honest.

    Frequent use of email and online resources can help cultivate trust in romantic relationships.[

    Tip 1: Be ready to work twice as hard as you did before:

    During college, my now-husband (then-boyfriend) went to school year round in Utah while I stayed behind and finished up high school and then attended a local college. Even though we were young, we knew our relationship was the one worth fighting for so we were determined to get through those years. We have now been together a total of 12 years and have been married for the last five. One thing we’ve learned? You need to work toward having a very strong, solid base to your relationship when you’re long distance.

    Be open, honest, and trusting. Take the time to figure out how and when is best to communicate with each other. Work at making each other feel special, even without seeing each other. All the things you work on during a normal relationship will need extra effort for in a long distance relationship

    Tip 2: Establish some ground rules about when you’ll see each other: My husband and I did long distance for five and a half years in total, with me working and going to school in Toronto and him in school in Florida. We had a rule to never go more than six weeks without seeing one another in person and we pretty much stuck to that. Be committed to each other.

    Be open and honest by volunteering private information. You should both be morally committed to each other, continuing the relationship because of personal values, not because of social pressures. Personal values include beliefs like staying faithful is part of my identity. Social pressures involve the perception of society’s approval or disapproval. For example, my mum would be devastated if I cheated on my girlfriend and she broke up with me.

    Watch out for behaviour where your partner tries to manipulate you into doing something that only benefits your partner, like lying about an emergency to get you to answer your phone during an important business meeting. If dishonesty and manipulation become a part of your communication, then you must revisit why your relationship lacks trust.

    Tip 3: Call and text each other throughout the day: My wife and I have had to do the long distance thing twice in our relationship. When we first met she lived about an hour away in San Jose and I lived in San Francisco.

    After we got married I was working in San Francisco and she was in Los Angeles and we only got a few days a month to see each other. We learned that you have to call and text each other during the day and share what’s going on. In other words, don’t wait to do it all in a phone call at the end of the day when you are tired. Make your partner part of your daily life.

    – Matty Staudt

    Get comfortable talking about your feelings, needs and desires and listening to your partner’s, too.

    Be open with your partner. The key to intimacy in LDRs is open communication. Discuss the best ways to maintain intimacy with your partner. Don’t be shy to experiment with intimate activities that you both are comfortable doing. Communicate your sexual desires and be open to your partner’s desires, too. – Craig

    Don’t do anything irrational just because you’re angry or upset about something they’ve said or done. Communication is key, if you have a problem then talk it out, it will build better trust and a stronger bond. You can’t maintain a relationship if you are terrified that they will do something to you because you did something out of anger.

    Tip 4: Don’t forget to schedule regular Skype dates:

    It’s really essential that you and your partner have a schedule for when you’ll talk. We’re fortunate that we have so many different modes of contact these days, but texting is not enough to keep a long-distance relationship going. To maintain a strong relationship, you need to talk on the phone, but preferably something like Skype, as often as you can!

    It’s important to schedule those times so you and your partner know that this is the designated time to connect. Also, it’s important to continue living your own life when your significant other is away. Continue to interact with friends, remain social and carry on as you normally would. If you

  • The truth about lying in your relationship (2)

    IF your spouse is explaining an event or occurrence in a vague way with an ambiguous style, giving you assignment in your brain, making you go through so much effort to connect the dots, it may mean he/she is lying. Sometimes if frustration or confusion on how to finish the lie , when the web has confused even the liar , they will suddenly claim anger and become aggressive to drive you away from the issue at hand. If this is regular, I would personally advise you start opening your eyes to the reality of your situation.

    1. Change in response time to questions asked

    When you are in a situation where your spouse has to take time to answer your questions, or keeps replying with “ ermmmmmmmmmm, ermmmmmm” more than usual ,  it may  indicate that he/she is being  dishonest at the time and looking for a way out .  When you are saying the truth no matter how bad it is meant to be flawless and consistent, during winter, summer, autumn or spring. Because telling a lie is a creation of an untruth it will take time to come up with it, although I must commend some people who are masters in the game. They breathe, sleep and eat lies. What a tasking life this would be.

    1. Change in repetition of questions before answering the questions

    If your spouse has the habit of answering question with question repeatedly, then you need to watch out. They may fake ignorance of not understanding your question and appear angry because you are not allowing them time to assimilate the question so they can concoct the lie. This may be another way to identify when you are being told a lie. The pause before response to a question means a lot, and when you get to experience this pause all the time, then there is a problem at hand.

    What to do if you have a liar as a spouse

    It is not a good thing to discover your spouse is a liar. Sadness and distrust can destroy your joy with that person. It could be overwhelming and emotionally draining. There are certain actions to take when someone lies to you in a relationship. They are addressed below.

    • Talk to your partner one on one, no third party please

    Don’t go about reporting to people saying: “Do you know my spouse is a liar?”  you will need to settle this amicably without drama or causing a scene, please try, it is not easy but try, start the conversation in a quiet place with very minimal people incase all hell breaks loose, especially if you do not know how to control yourself. Don’t start the conversation shouting and screaming “you are a liar “up and down. You can inform your partner about your findings or tell them what you feel about him/her not telling the truth and how it is hurting both of you. It’s best to take a calm approach not to intensify the tension. You could use stylish language and not be too direct a figure of speech instead of speaking literally to have a reduced effect, so it doesn’t appear you are being aggressive on the issue, if you feel you can’t deal from the start? You have a right to walk away.

    • Try to wait for an explanation

    Most times when people realize their secret has been exposed, they will be surprised. Liars don’t like confrontation, they sometimes believe they will never be caught, this comes especially to the skilled ones who have gained a degree or maybe PHD in telling lies. But I would personally advise you give your partner a chance to explain, try not roll your eyes too much when they start the explanation. What you need to seek for first is the motive behind the lie. Along the lie, they may apologise or express sadness at lying to you, but don’t count on it 100 per cent, as you may not get the apology you expect.

    • It makes sense to present your evidence

    If your spouse continues to insist that they are telling the truth, this would now be a perfect time to present your evidence of the issue at hand. This move could either get an outright confession or turn to aggression, if they feel their back is against the wall, be careful when doing this.  When this happens, make your partner recognize that your trust for him/her has been lost. This announcement will make your partner severely humiliated.  A lot of people take trust for granted, it is human, no big deal because it happens all the time. They will either choose then to stop lying to you or call it quits be prepared.

    • Realization that your spouse will not stop the lies