Tag: marriage

  • Lagos court dissolves policeman’s 12-year-old loveless marriage

    Lagos court dissolves policeman’s 12-year-old loveless marriage

    An Agege Customary Court in Lagos on Tuesday dissolved the 12-year-old marriage between a policeman, Patrick Idoko and his wife, Udoka, over infidelity, lack of love and trust.

    Patrick, 40, from Benue State, who described his wife as troublesome and uncaring, approached the court to dissolve the marriage on grounds of infidelity, lack of love and care for him and the four children of the union.

    He said the marriage was crisis-free until two years ago when he suspected Udoka was having extra-marital affairs.

    “l set a trap for her and she fell for it on January 12 and since then, my wife refused to come home.

    “Due to her shameful act, she left me and I have been taking care of the children.”

    The petitioner said he secretly installed a memory card on the new phone he bought for her to record her conversations.

    “The playback of the phone revealed the secret conversations between the respondent and her secret lover.”

    In her response, Udoka, denied all the allegations made against her and pleaded with the court not to dissolve the marriage, attributing her travails to rumour mongers in their neighbourhood.

    The petitioner had earlier accepted to take the woman back on the condition that she subjected herself to some “spiritual cleansing”.

    The respondent agreed to the terms but, refused to follow the husband to the village for the cleansing.

    Dissolving the union, the President of the court, Mr Philip Williams, said: “The relationship between the couple has broken down completely and the respondent shows she is no more interested in the marriage.”

    He asked both parties to go their separate ways and warned them to desist from blackmailing and harassing each other.

    The president warned the respondent not to go to the petitioner’s residence, work place or his church to cause trouble and directed that the marriage dissolution certificate should be sent to Udoka to inform her about the development.

  • Lafiaji’s daughter shuns  romance after crashed marriage

    Lafiaji’s daughter shuns romance after crashed marriage

    The test of mettle does not lie in never falling on the slippery slopes of life but in standing up each time one falls. And this assertion is true for beauties as it is for the rest of us.

    Salamatu Lafiaji, daughter of Senator Shaaba Lafiaji, a former governor of Kwara State, remains undaunted in the midst of life’s challenges that have made the beautiful woman eschew the allures of romantic entanglement. And this is in spite of the queue of eligible bachelors who have been knocking on the door of her heart without success.

    Unlike other women who derive joy from tormenting prospective suitors, Salamatu’s reluctance has to do with her previous unsavoury experience in marriage. She was once married to Nollywood high flier, Ibrahim Chatta, but the union was unable to survive the first few challenges that came its way and it crashed down to earth faster than a malfunctioning rocket, leaving unpleasant memories in the minds of everyone involved.

    While Ibrahim has since made another attempt at a happy marriage, Salamatu has turned her back on romance, taking solace in her business endeavours, even as she has gone back to using her maiden name.

  • God’s ultimate desire for your marriage (2)

    Dear Reader,

    I am grateful to God for the privilege to share God’s Word with you today. Two weeks ago, I taught you how to keep yourself pure.  Last week, I taught on divine favour. Today, I want to examine: How Abundance Is God’s Desire for You.

    The first family that ever existed was born into abundance.  The Bible says: …Male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be FRUITFUL …have dominion over fish…, …fowl… and …EVERY living thing… I have given you EVERY herb, EVERY tree to you (Genesis 1:27-29). This, as an example, tells us that abundance implies surplus, more than enough, prosperity, excess, plenty, an increase, etc. The Lord’s desire for your home is abundance. Prosperity is meant to be your portion not only in your office, Church or with friends, but most especially in your home.

    God has said concerning your home that it shall be: …A watered garden and like a spring of water whose waters fail not (Isaiah 58:11). ‘Fail not’ means you will not be short of provisions at home both spiritually and physically. Thou shalt have goats’ milk enough for thy food, for the food of thy household, and for the maintenance for thy maidens (Proverbs 27:27). Yet, you are wondering: Why is God slow concerning His promises? Has He changed His mind concerning me? Is He angry with me? Maybe He has not forgiven me that sin I confessed to Him the other day?  Or the one committed in my youth?

    The Lord is a God of mercy and slow to anger; at the same time, He is a Holy God Whose eyes are too pure to behold sin in your life (Habakkuk 1:13). He wants your home not to only reflect increase, blessing and joy, but also holiness, righteousness, grace and peace. Both sides of the coin are necessary: you can’t have one side without the other. You can’t desire the Lord’s prosperity and increase in your home, and reject His holiness and righteousness. The Word of God says: Look unto Abraham your father, and unto Sarah that bare you: for I called him alone, and BLESSED him and INCREASED him (Isaiah 51:2).

    Abraham our father of faith enjoyed abundance and: …Was VERY RICH in cattle, in silver and in gold (Genesis 13:2). But how did the Lord bless Abraham? Did he just wake up one day to see riches, cattle, men and maid servants, etc.? No! The Lord blessed Abraham and his household because he fulfilled a major requirement. The Word of God says: …Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do. ….For I know him, that HE WILL COMMAND HIS CHILDREN  AND HIS HOUSEHOLD AFTER HIM, and they shall keep the way of the Lord to do justice and judgment that the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken to him  (Genesis 18:17&19).

    The Lord’s will and desire is to see you and your household swim in abundance but are you willing to fulfill the requirements? That is, will you command your children and household to follow the Lord or will you turn away from God when abundance arrives? God can’t afford to bless some men financially because they will just use the money to acquire more wives and begin to do things that cause their household to turn from God. It was Abraham’s diligence in commanding his children (household) in God’s ways that secured abundance for him and generations after. He was not only an example of what the Lord required, because God was able to say, “I know him; He will make sure everyone follows his example. In your home, can you boldly say others can follow your lifestyle? Can they look at how you live and see God’s glory, holiness and commendation? If you can’t answer this questions positively then something is wrong somewhere. Don’t be too quick to say, “Yes.” Instead, closely examine your lifestyle. Can you tell the little children at home to follow your example and God will be pleased with them?  The Lord knew Abraham was able to do this. From the above passage, the Lord reveals something vital to us. “…That the Lord may bring upon Abraham that which he hath spoken of him” (Genesis 18:19).

    The fervency which Abraham gave to conduct his life and household according to God’s Word, determined how much of God’s abundance and prosperity he enjoyed. It was Abraham’s diligence in applying God’s Word that secured God’s blessings and abundance for him. You need to follow the instructions you have heard God speak concerning your home, your family, your marriage, your parents, etc, before you can see his promises come true in your life. For almost every instruction God gives, there is a reward; and for almost every reward or promise of God, there is a responsibility.

    Abundance in your family life is the Lord’s desire for you.  However, it must be accompanied by a God-fearing lifestyle not only for you, but also everyone under your roof. Note: There is no success without a successor.

    Abundance in the home is not just financial wealth. You can have all the money in the world and still not be prosperous. Also, you can have all the children, furniture and possessions you want, but still lack true prosperity.

    You may ask: How do I enjoy abundance in my home? The Lord Jesus said: The thief comes only in order that he may steal and may kill and may destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in ABUNDANCE to the full, till it overflows (John10:10 Amp). The Lord’s presence in your heart and home is the first step to abundance. Allow Jesus to come into your heart now and your story will change. Say this prayer: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. Deliver me from sin and satan to serve the living God. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.”

    If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

     

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • God’s ultimate desire for your marriage

    Dear Reader,

    You are welcome to another segment on Family Forum. Throughout this month, I shall be deliberating on the topic: God’s Ultimate Desire for Your Family. First, it is important to know that God is particularly concerned about your marriage and family. He wants to see you have the best of marriage and to enjoy a successful home. He has made everything available for you to experience a successful home. Moreover, it is God’s desire for all His children to have the best on earth, in life and for their marriages to be peaceful, and fulfilling. That includes you! Today, I will be teaching on: Keeping yourself pure.

    It is God’s desire that your marriage be kept pure. You must, therefore, ensure that you keep the marriage-bed pure to enjoy the honour in marriage. The Word of God says: Marriage is honourable in all and the bed undefiled… (Hebrews 13:4). The word ‘undefiled’ there simply means kept pure. Whether as singles or married, to enjoy the honour in marriage, you must ensure that you keep the marriage-bed pure. If this was impossible, God won’t tell you to do it. Young men, don’t keep messing around with ladies, thinking that nobody knows. God’s Word says: The eyes of the Lord are in every place beholding the evil and the good (Proverbs 15:13). Don’t take away the honour that God has in store for you in marriage.

    Marriage is honourable in all when the bed is undefiled. As singles, if you must enjoy honour in your marriage, you must lay a good foundation for it by keeping yourself pure. Parents, begin to train your children against pre-marital sex. It does not matter whether it is acceptable in the society or not. If you say, “After doing it, God will forgive me”, please note that the scar will be there.

    The marriage bed must remain undefiled, because sex is the seal of the marriage covenant. Any sexual relationship engaged in outside marriage breaks the seal and attracts God’s punishment.  Therefore, you must never get yourself involved in it. However, if you have already defiled the bed, repent and ask God for forgiveness, then forsake it immediately.

    Many people get emotionally distorted when they defile the marriage bed to the extent that it disturbs their marital life. You can save your marriage from torments by keeping your life pure. When you defile the marriage bed, you are behaving like a beast and whatever happens to a beast can happen to you anytime. Therefore, you must make a change in the right direction, in the name of Jesus Christ. The later part of our anchor Scripture says: …but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. The word ‘whore’ simply means harlot. Give no room to the devil if your soul is actually precious to you. Defiling the marriage-bed whether you are single or married, proves that your soul is not precious to you.

    God made man with certain physiological and emotional needs, and marriage provides the best fulfilment for those needs. Physiologically, man needs sex; it is part of his physical nature, and the satisfaction of that urge is permitted only within the parameters of marriage. God honours the physical union of a man and his wife by ensuring that they find fulfilment in each other’s body. This is why He frowns at adultery and fornication. 1 Corinthians 7:2 says: Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. This is not to say that young men and women should rush into marriage for the sole aim of satisfying their sexual urge. That would make them nothing but bedmates. The love and excitement in such a relationship never last, and that is not God’s plan or purpose for marriage. As a single man or lady, you are expected to control your urge until you locate a suitable partner with whom you are ready to spend the rest of your life; then, get legally married. The truth is, if you cannot tame your sexual drive while single, you probably will not be able to exercise control when you are married. Flaunting God’s purpose in this area of marriage can be very costly to your home and destiny. Don’t do it.

    Refuse to fall a victim if you truly have value for yourself. Don’t say that you want to earn yourself a living by whoremongering because God will judge those who do that. Stop it! Don’t wait for the fire of God to come upon you; plead for His mercy, call upon Him now that He is ready to hear you, before it’s too late.  The Word of God says: I beseech you therefore brethren by the mercies of God that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God which is your reasonable service (Romans 12:1). In order words, the presentation of your body unto the Almighty God as a living sacrifice is your reasonable service unto God. Any service done unto God without your body being a living sacrifice is not acceptable. It does not matter what you do and the volume of money you give in church every day, if your body is not kept pure, that service is not acceptable unto God. Whether single or married, illicit sexual affairs render your service to God “unrewardable” and will deprive you of enjoying the honour He has destined for you in marriage. God is much more interested in your person than your money or what you can do. When your person is acceptable unto God, then your service will become acceptable.

    Honour in marriage is your heritage in Christ. You need to take it by force by stopping every form of harlotry in your life. Receive grace to practise the Word of God so that you can truly enjoy the honour destined for you in marriage in Jesus’ name!

    If you are not born again and you want to accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, please say this prayer: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. Deliver me from sin and satan to serve the living God. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.”

    If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

     

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • Dealing with verbal abuse in marriage

    Dear Harriet, thank God I got a person like you. I have been in a verbally abusive marriage and my husband doesn’t see anything wrong in it. My feelings do not matter to him. I am psychologically traumatised because of this abuse. He calls me names like ‘mugu’, ‘idiot’, ‘stupid’, ‘senseless’, ‘goat’, ‘aturu’ (sheep) ‘evil’, ‘devil’; how I can’t meet up as a wife, more so that  he is keeping me because of the children, and that nothing good comes out of me. With all these happenings, I can’t have sex with my husband any longer or feel free with him. I need your counsel please.

    Name with held, Abuja

    Thanks for sharing your situation with us and seeking advice on how to deal with happening in your relationship with your husband. What you are actually experiencing with your spouse is a form of abuse known as verbal abuse. This kind of abuse is very common in relationships and, most times, victim do not tag it abuse because it is not physical or it appears subtle and hard to recognise due to the manner it plays out, so some victims do not know that they are going through verbal abuse.

    Giving a clear understanding of what you are passing through is of great essence, so I will start by explaining what action can be classified as verbal abuse and its effect, then steps to take which I had published months before for people with similar experience. This is not only applicable to women; some men are verbally abused by their wives as well.

    Verbal abuse is explained as constant use of words to undermine someone’s dignity and security through insults or humiliation with the intension to control the behaviour, thoughts and feelings of the person. For example: name-calling, using words like ‘stupid’, ‘idiot’, ‘fool’, ‘useless’, and so on. These words put your spouse or partner down. Yelling, screaming and swearing at your spouse or partner belittle them. Some feel so afraid to be free with their spouse or partner in the process. Victims are constantly ‘walking on egg shells’ for fear of been told off.

    Furthermore is the blaming and shaming attitude, the ‘can’t see anything good in their spouse or partner’, always finding fault, showing no appreciation no matter how hard the victim tries, isolation, intimidation, easy dismissal during discussions; disregard of spouse opinion or suggestion and controlling behaviour. All these are signs of verbal abuse.

    You may think that physical abuse is far worse than verbal or emotional abuse, since physical violence can kill or send someone to the hospital and even leave permanent scars on the victim. But the scars of verbal or emotional abuse are very real. They run deep. In fact, verbal or emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, sometimes even more. It affects the victim slowly.

    A skilled abuser can actually destroy his victim’s self esteem while making the person believe that his or her action is done out of love and care. Moreover, verbal abuse can be so regular that it becomes the normal way of communication. In addition, it puts the victim in a confused state, not really knowing what to believe anymore, their own thoughts or the abusive words said to them, especially from someone who initially loved them.

    Other effects of verbal or emotional abuse are fear, anger, bitterness and resentment, insecurity, depression, rejection, eating disorder, psychological trauma and so on. Verbal abuse can take a great toll on someone’s health and general well-being if not addressed. More ways of dealing with issues of verbal abuse are to have effective communication with your spouse about how his talking down on you affects you and the relationship and talking about the attitude in a very calm manner, not through a quarrel.

    If you are not making any headway through this means, your next step is to suggest visiting a trained counsel or speaking out to a member of the family that you feel he or she will listen to for help. However, if he is the type that doesn’t listen to anybody, still make your report. Avoid silence because your abuser gains more control when you don’t talk. He might kick against it at the beginning. Learn not to force it but keep at it in a nice way and don’t forget to take your situation to God in prayer while you add action to it by doing the aforementioned.

    Think more about yourself than your situation, take good care of yourself and be happy, take up a hobby that you enjoy, register with a gym if possible, as exercise is a form of relaxation that makes you feel good with yourself. Nobody has the right to make you miserable except you permit it. Don’t regard his attitude towards you as your fault. Another step is to avoid isolation. Instead, surround yourself with true friends and family members for support. To stay sane, you surely will need all the help you can get.

    Moreover, avoid engaging in conflict with your abuser, be calm when he or she is upset, don’t give room for him to call you names, walk away if possible without an attitude. Verbal abuse, if not handled properly, can give room to other forms of abuse like physical abuse, the type that has sent spouses to their early grave. Don’t get me wrong, I am not an advocate of divorce, but safety is very important and must not be neglected.

    As you seek healthy ways to restore the situation, have the right attitude towards one another. Bear in mind that there is no moral justification whatsoever for a spouse or partner to verbally abuse his or her spouse, no matter the situation. Temper control promotes a healthy relationship among spouses which is a key factor in putting an end to verbal abuse.

    One thing married couples should be mindful of is the words they speak to and about each other because the direction of marriage is determined by the direction of the tongue. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on her blog: www. Liwh.com.ng or bineharriet@gmail.com, text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine

  • Joys of courtship, fears of marriage

    Joys of courtship, fears of marriage

    The period of courtship is very important and paramount in every relationship because it is the period of knowing each other, the period of knowing the character and attitude that each partner possesses.

    This is also the time of knowing each other’s background, family members and also the time for each partner to prepare for greater responsibilities.

    According to an online source, Courtship is the period in a relationship which precedes engagement and marriage or the establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind. During this time, there are likely to be many challenges because it is a time of understanding each other. Most often, partners detect the weakness(s) of one another during this period. It is also a period during which a couple develops a romantic relationship before getting married. Each intending partner gets to know how to manage or tolerate the temperaments of the spouse, since up-bring and exposure, education and mindsets are not the same from person to person.

    On the other hand, Marriage, according to an online free dictionary, is a legally and formally recognized union of a man and a woman. Similarly, it is a process by which two adults make their relationships public with consents of parents or other witnesses. In some cases, Courtship leads to marriage. However, there is a clear distinction between marriage and wedding.

    The utmost aim of every partner is to end up in marriage with man or woman of their choice, but sometimes fail to understudy what marriage entails.

    Interestingly, most young person in contemporary days, look forward to that day of wedding but do not know about the challenges of marriage. Suffice to note here that being mature is more important in handling all these responsibilities either in “marriage or courtship”.

    As for Courtship, it allows intending spouses to practice­, in a limited way, the roles and the virtues needed in marriage, while marriage permits them to practice the roles and virtues necessary in living together for life.

    In proper courtship, it is necessary for the partners must recognize their first righteous desires and ambitions.

    In conclusion, by the most courtship metamorphose into marriage most of the physical growth of each partner would have already occurred. More importantly, the level of friendship that the couples have shown during courtship, goes a long way in determining how smooth the marriage ride will be, beginning from their wedding night.

    Then, every intending spouse should bear in mind that the main purpose of courtship is to avoid troubles in marriage and to know each partner’s behaviors, attitudes, mannerism, temperament and interests better before getting married. To the singles in courtship, please note that marriage is not the place to start your studies, rather courtship. And to the married, do have blissful years together for life.

  • Woman to court: Beg my husband not to divorce me

    A 50-year-old trader, Mrs Kehinde Adewunmi, on Thursday in Lagos broke down in tears while on her knees begging her estranged husband, Jamiu Adewunmi, not to divorce her.

    The News Agency of Nigeria (NAN) reports that Jamiu Adewunmi had approached the Igando Customary Court, Lagos State for the dissolution of his 24-year-old marriage to Kehinde, his wife.

    He alleged that Kehinde had converted to Christianity from Islam without his consent.

    Kehinde in her plea said, “Please court; help me beg him, where will I get a man at my age to marry me if my husband divorces me.

    “I am ready to make amends wherever I might have made mistakes; I am not ready to divorce my husband.

    “I still love him and besides, I do not want my children to suffer this action because they are innocent. Please, safe e my marriage,” the mother of four said.

    The husband and petitioner, Jamiu, 57, a businessman, had accused his wife of converting to Christianity without his consent in his petition before the court.

    “My wife was always telling me that she was going for an Islam programme called ‘Alasalatu’, instead she would secretly go to a church to worship.

    “I got to know when I broke into her room in her absence because, lately, she was always locking the room and would keep its key closed to her chest.

    “So, I was curious to know what she was hiding in the room.

    “When I entered her room, I saw pictures where she wore a gown and cap belonging to one of the white garment churches.

    “In the pictures, she posed with some other worshipers wearing the same uniform.

    “I don’t want her anymore because, I cannot condole another religion in my house except the one I am practicing,” he said.

    He accused his wife of not cooking for him regularly and whenever she did, the food would come late.

    “Kehinde had failed in her matrimonial obligations.

    “I had warned her several times but she wouldn’t listen to me. There is no point harbouring a wife that makes me hungry,” the estranged husband said.

    He urged the court to dissolve the marriage that he was no longer in love.

    The president of the court, Mr Adegboyega Omilola, ordered the couple to come along with three members of their relatives each for a possible reconciliation.

    He adjourned the case to Aug. 30 for further hearing.

     

  • Woman to court: My husband dates four girls in our street

    Woman to court: My husband dates four girls in our street

    Mrs. Cecilia Ajayi, 42, on Thursday pleaded with an Igando Customary Court in Lagos State to dissolve her 20 years’ marriage with her husband, John Ajayi, aged 46.

    Cecilia, the petitioner, accused Ajayi, the defendant, of being as a womaniser.

    “My husband is a womaniser, he is dating four girls in our street and brings them into our matrimonial home.

    “On many occasions, he and his lovers had beaten me up whenever I prevented them from entering our room.

    “He was not satisfied with his lovers, as he severally made attempts to rape my younger sister,’’ the wife told the court on Thursday.

    She also accused John whom she bore three children of being a consumer of excessive alcohol.

    Cecilia said, “John is a drunk. After drinking to stupor, he will be falling inside gutter, talking in an incoherent manner.”

    She also claimed that her husband sent her packing because she was not educated, saying, “ he can no longer cope with illiterate.”

    The wife said that John refused to leave his family house since they got married in 1996.

    On three occasions, I was attacked by John’s family members over inheritance, she said.

    “My husband’s family wanted to kill me; they said that I was the one preventing my husband from sharing his late father’s property.

    “John always said that he could not relocate from his family house,” Cecilia said.

    She urged the court to end the marriage, saying that she was no longer interested in the affair because her life was no longer safe.

    The petitioner, John Ajayi (46), however, denied the allegations, saying that his wife ran away with a man because he lost his job and no longer financially buoyant.

    “Things were moving on fine until I lost my job and her behaviour changed, she packed out to live with another man.

    “She even gave birth to her new lover two months ago,’’ the author said.

    The respondent said that he could not leave his family house because he was the only son in the family.

    John, therefore, begged the court not to grant his wife’s wish adding that he was still in love with her.

    The President of the court, Mr Adegboyega Omilola, after listening to the couple, adjourned the case to Sept. 27, his for judgment.

  • How to handle your finances in marriage

    DEAR HARRIET,

    My husband and I are always arguing about money. Why is money such a big issue in marriage? Thanks.

    Mrs. Akin

    Lagos.

     

    Although money is not everything in a marriage, it can make or unmake a home. Money is very important to everyone as to couples. Many marriages are in trouble today because of money, while some have failed and died.

    It is hard to admit that money is often the root of most problems in marriages, but if handled properly, it can be a source of amazing intimacy. That is not to say that money is the centre of life or that managing the family finances must be a heavy burden. In fact, financial success is really just a matter of making good choices consistently.

    However, the issue of money is so fundamental in marriage that we cannot overlook it. For example, when couples struggle financially, we see an increase in domestic arguments, breakups and chaos.

    It’s difficult to show love towards your spouse when your mind is occupied with worries about financial matters like school fees, house rent, and other bills. Only couples who are open in their finances can stand hard times because there is no financial secret.

    Talking about why money is such an issue in marriage, we find out that couples most times rate each other’s spending differently. Phrases, like I’m the saver, while you are the spender, are commonly used.

    The perception of spending money between husband and wife is different. Most women usually take care of family daily expenses, groceries, clothes for the family, while men spend on large purchases like plasma TVs, cars and computers. However, they are spending differently.

    In some homes, for example, money can be used to dominate a relationship or satisfy a hungry ego to some spouses. Too little of it can be a source of anxiety, especially when there are children to be educated, too much of it can also lead to inflated egos and break bond.

    These are ways money can affect a marriage. Unemployment is not left out. It can affect self-esteem, confidence level, emotional state of a spouse and this can really affect a marriage.

    Moreover, extended family expenses can be a financial challenge to a family, if not discussed and managed properly.

    Lifestyle not in accordance with the available resources can put a huge strain on spouse’s relationship. Gigantic purchases like building or buying a house, car, if not within budget and proper time can pose as a problem. If you and your spouse quarrel over money most times, here are some guides.

    Talking about money with your spouse is one way of solving money issues. You are in a better position to solve the issue pressing on your marriage mostly if it has to do with money. Looking for what suits your family, some families can work better with joint accounts, for instance, while others can have joint and still maintain separate personally accounts. You know what! Look for what suits your family and apply it. Always remember to save for a rainy day.

    Keeping spending on check:  Gone are the days of cutting your coat according to your size. With the economic situation, couples should know that it is now cut your coat according to your fabric. Therefore, having a plan on what is important and necessary is vital. Communicating with your spouse, deciding on how much money will be allocated to daily running of the house, how much to save for big projects and so on together must be put into consideration in order to avoid monetary problem in marriage.

    Avoid blaming each other when things go wrong. This is one common challenge that couples who are going through financial problems experience. A situation whereby a spouse sees his  or her spouse as somebody who spends alone, while he or she hardly spends, if not treated properly, might lead to some bigger problems because in the real sense, they both spend. It is just that their priorities are different in terms of their purchases as mentioned earlier.

    Avoid debts: This is another aspect that affects marital relationship. Avoid purchases on credit. Don’t go buying what you can’t afford; something we have to know is that good things never come to an end. There will always be nice stuff; however, that you cannot afford it today does not mean that you can’t tomorrow. Go for what you can afford and be contented.

    Approach all financial issues as a team, setting goals for resolving your financial setbacks. Agreeing on a course of action together provides the clarity of purpose necessary for finding a solution.

    Remember don’t blame each other when things go wrong. The blame approach doesn’t work in marriages and love.

    Self-pity also is a waste of emotion. Don’t wallow in it. Feeling sorry for yourself or your situation does not solve anything. Getting out is by taking a team approach to focus and act positively.

    Take action today to begin addressing your financial issues together. More so, celebrating together over a financial breakthrough should not be left out. Times do occasionally get tough, but here’s the bottomline-if you have a loving and trusting relationship with someone who believes in it.

    If you love someone completely, then understand that your true love will sustain you through the best of times and the worst of times.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng

  • WEIRD MC: IN MY 40s,I’M STILL  THINKING ABOUT  MARRIAGE

    WEIRD MC: IN MY 40s,I’M STILL THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE

    Sola Idowu popularly as Weird MC speaks to JANE KOLADE about her journey to stardom. The veteran rap artist gave insight into how she dealt with parental displeasure at her career choice, and the challenges she faced as a female in the rap genre which was viewed as boys’ club of sorts back then. Excerpts:

    THERE were no girls doing rap when you started out, can you tell us about it?

    I had always been in awe of people like Curtis Blow, Grandmaster Flash, The Treacherous Three, Big Daddy Kane, Salt n Pepa, Rocks and Chante, and I was thinking, “I would love to do this”. What I loved about Hip-hop music was that it was tongue in cheek, it was spontaneous energy, and there were no limitations per se.

    When you started out, there weren’t any ladies in Nigeria doing rap music, so who did you look up to?

    The people I sort of looked towards at the time were Queen Latifa, Salt n Pepa, MC Lite, Rocks and Chante. My brother was very worried, and he was like “Hip-hop, Sola, ah in Nigeria! Are you sure? Will people understand it?” But someone has to start and I know for a fact that Nigerians liked hip-hop and rap music, as a lot of Nigerians had imbibed hip-hop culture at the time. I remember at the time that there was a movement, there was Thoroughbreds, Ill Bliss, Mode 9, Dr Fresh; everybody. But I think there was this group way before me called Sound on Sound, there was Ebony, and there was Scratch, I used to go to their house. I would play him my work and he would say, “Wow! You can speak. You should bring this out.”

    At a point, I sort of chilled out, I wanted to do something that was like had a fusion sort of feel to it. I noticed that people like Nas, Jay-Z, and the Americans were sounding out their heroes, people like Superfly, James Brown, and I was like, “Who can I sound like? Its either KSA or Fela.” KSA is a guitarist. So I decided on Fela, but with Fela, it’s just like raw. So I took a song of his called Look and laugh, I took the horns and the guitar and added a whole new drum beat to it, and flipped it, and gave it that contemporary hip-hop feel. When I played it for a friend in the studio, he’s Jamaican, and he asked, “What is it? I told him it’s from my country Nigeria.”

    So I took it to the studio, after I came out with the single called Allen Avenue. Then I decided that I needed to take it to Fela, I was nervous. I had a friend called Moradeyo who used to live around Fela and told me that she was very close to him. So she took me to him. I will never ever forget when he listened to the music, he loved it, and went like, “You know this is what I am talking about. I don’t know why our people make music and come out sounding like Americans; I like what you have done, this is it, go ahead.” He gave his stamp of approval, and I remember I was so excited. When we were shooting the video I took all my hair off, and he was like, “That is it! That is so African.” And that was how the journey started really.

    Can you tell us some of the challenges you faced starting out as female?

    Oh my God! First things first, being female. I could tell you, I would be at the studio and if I fiddled with the equipment, they would be like, “Oh no sweetheart, don’t touch the equipment”. And I would be looking at them thinking,” I can operate this stuff, Hello”.

    So, they would see me messing around with the mixing desk, touching the samplers, and so on. One day a guy asked me, “I noticed that you’ve been fiddling with the samplers, do you have an idea how it works?” And I was like “Yes.” I told him that I had seen the way they use it in London, and he didn’t believe me, So, I started showing him how to use it, start point, end point, how to set loops, and he was like, “Oh my God.” So it was really difficult, and we were not really given a chance. It was sort of like a boys club. But I told myself, “yeah, I’m coming through and I’m going to smash through that wall.” So it was difficult, but I stood my ground, I was like, “I’m not going anywhere, you embrace me or you die.” Then I met Skid Ikemefuna.

    He took a shine off me as well. Then I was trying to get to the major concerts, Golden Tones and all. And he was like, “I’ve seen you a couple of times on stage as well; let’s see you in our next show. So he put me on the first slot in Kano, as he said that he did not want to bring me on in Lagos first, as he wanted to test me out whether they liked me on stage.

    And I remember him saying, “Oh my God! I shouldn’t have put you so early because now that you have gone on stage, the tempo has dropped. ” Only two other people were able to sustain the tempo; Shina Peters and Lagbaja. See, I look at the girls today, and I’m just smiling like you girls don’t know that you’re balling. You wouldn’t even know what people like me or Sasha went through. But it got to a point where Lagbaja would do shows at Motherland, and he would be like, “I want Weird MC.”

    Going back in time, you did Allen Avenue and it was a hit. How did you feel?

    I was shocked; I didn’t know it could happen so quickly. I thought it would take time because it was a different kind of sound, I’m female. But I took that risk because I’ve always wanted to be someone who just stuck outside the rest, and have always said, “Think like there is no box.” I didn’t like to go with the flow.

    Tell me how you came about the name Weird?

    We had a group called Wierdos, and later broke up. So when I thought of a name, I thought that I needed something different and unique, and then it just clicked, and I decided on Weird. But then my uncles were like Weird, weird means a Abami, and started giving me meanings. And I was like, “That’s not what I mean. I just mean to say that I’m different, unique, outside the box, not strange, or evil, or demonic, that’s not what it means. ”

    Most female hip-hop singers like to dress ultra feminine, and sexy but you don’t. You are more boyish. Why is that?

    It’s comfortable, I just wanted something really simple. I relate to people like Erykah Badu and Lauryn Hill, it’s almost like she rolled out of bed, and hit the stage. I wanted that girl next door look, and wanted to be me. Not packaged, or branded. They can see the brand anyway; the brand is already in your face. So we didn’t want to go out of our way to do any sort of branding whatsoever. Just keep it natural, keep it organic, keep it accessible, and it worked.

    At the point you decided to go into music, were your parents in support of your career?

    My dad was so set against it. I remember he said to me in Ijebu language, Se o fe se omo ale? Meaning, do you want to be a bastard? I will never forget. He was upset, and convened a meeting with my uncles, my aunts, and honestly it was a major gathering.

    And he said, se kon se pe o fe lo ma se alagbe? Meaning hope you are not going to become a beggar? So I replied, “No its not Alagbe, it’s just something different.” My dad was the traditional Nigerian father, yeah he wanted me to study Law, so I did two years but it was too conventional for me. So when I continued he just shut me out, I would say hello and he would not respond. But my mum sort of backed me a little bit, and was like, E je ko se nkan to fe se. Meaning let her do what she wants, saying stuff like, “I don’t want her to go outside, and anything will happen to her”.

    Do you still do music?

    I still do. I sort of like took a break, and got to that point where I was soul searching and had more of a spiritual awakening, and felt like I wanted more. I felt that there was something missing. So I took a break. So I came out with Ijo Ya. Ijo ya was another statement.

    Do you do things outside of music?

    I do, but I don’t want to divulge it.

    Do you want to tell us other interests you have?

    I love property and recently I went into branding; picking the artiste right from the scratch. I don’t want to wait till he blows before I brand, I brand him right from the beginning. It’s a double whammy; you’re pushing your artiste and pushing the brand.

    And then I got involved in a bit of politics, and at some point I saw this clamour to become one of our commissioners and I thought to myself, “I don’t think I’m ready for that yet.” I had been involved in the campaign of Aregbesola, and I was wondering if I wanted to go the route of Arnold Swazennegger. Do you know my real shock? It’s the impact of social media.

    If you weren’t doing music, what do you think you would have been doing?

    I probably would have been doing movies full time. I am a movie freak; I would probably have been involved as a producer and writer.

    There is this claim that some artistes need drugs to boost their creativity. Do you agree?

    I think it’s just a myth. No, and I don’t even believe that drugs fuel your creativity.

    What fuels your creativity?

    First of all, God is the one who gave you the gift. So I can’t believe that you need drugs to use the gift that God gave you. You can’t tell me that someone like R Kelly needs to get high before he can perform.

    Who or what inspires you?

    Many things do, my environment, when I look at people, especially when I see women who are changing things and doing beautiful things. I feel that my role model right now would be Mo Abudu. She inspires me. When I look at people like that I feel inspired, and feel that I can do more.

    You are in your 40s and unmarried, are you still thinking about it?

    Well, they say never say never, So I won’t say never.

    Were you at any point pressurised by any of your parents to get married?

    Both my parents are actually late, so no.

    Has your copyright ever been infringed upon?

    Oh my God! Ijo Ya. We don’t have a proper structure, and all that, so I just let it be.

    So how do you make money in spite of piracy?

    Shows – that’s the advantage when you have strong stage skills, and think outside the box. Government shows, private gigs, stuff within and outside Africa.