Tag: marriage

Theirs is an exceptional union. In a country where marriages crash like the naira in the foreign exchange market, 88-year-old Chief Matthew Nnaemeke Uba’s marriage with his wife, Veronica, is still waxing strong after 60 years. Like the lovebirds that they are, Uba and his wife never hesitate to openly display their affection at every given opportunity, leaving younger couples green with envy. It was, therefore, not surprising that they recently rolled out the drums in celebration of the 60th anniversary of their wedding. On hand to celebrate with them were their numerous friends, which include top government functionaries,  Nollywood actors and actresses, particularly those from the Onicha-Uku axis in Delta State. Chief (Mrs) Veronica Uba shares with PAUL UKPABIO the secrets of the massive success of their marital union.

Six decades of living together as husband and wife is no mean feat. What has been the secret?

No one can take credit for the success of our union for six decades. Not even my husband or myself. It is the grace of God. God has been the cornerstone and builder of this marriage. I cannot thank Him enough for His mercies. However, I must say that no marriage is perfect. Tolerance and endurance have been the basis of our union. My husband has been supportive and understanding.

Looking back, would you say that young people got married earlier then than they do today?

Things were not as difficult then as they are now in the sense that immediately you finished your studies, you got employed and started growing. Today, it is unfortunate that people no longer start up early for numerous reasons. The unemployment rate is too high. Young men and women would pass out of the university and seek jobs for many years. How can someone who is still dependent on his or her parents talk of marriage? It is only when you are financially capable that you can do that.

Another reason is that many young people today are seeking unrealistic choices. They are looking for Mr. and Miss. Perfect. Are you perfect yourself? So, they waste time looking for what is not available. You cannot get a woman or man who is 100 per cent good. Get some appreciable percentage and start building on that.

Did you engage in courtship with your husband like we have it now?

No, there was no such thing as courtship at that time. As you know, the only constant thing in life is change. So, during our time, we did not know what they call courtship. All that happened was that if a male had grown up to the age of getting married, he would inform his family. The young man would begin to search for a suitable girl. Upon finding his choice, the girl would be betrothed to him. Over time, the necessary marriage rites would be performed and she would be escorted home to her husband.

What really attracted you to him?

In our time, the mode of searching for a wife was different. There was no such thing as boyfriend and girlfriend. A man would come to seek your hand in marriage, and if you liked him, you would go on, if not, you also had the right to say no. Although, there was no courtship, you still had a choice. I wanted a man who would take care of me and treat me well. We are like birds of the same feather in the sense that he had earlier mentioned that he had no sister, while I also had no biological brother. So, when we got married, he became an elder brother of some sort. I looked up to him as one and he took me in the same vein.

In those days, wealth wasn’t the primary consideration such that if a man didn’t own a car or wasn’t rich, he was disqualified. It wasn’t so, unlike today. In any case, how many people were educated? However, when he came to seek my hand in marriage, my father was vehemently opposed to it.

Why?

His reason was that teachers were harsh. My father didn’t want any man who would maltreat me. I lost my mother when I was a toddler, so my father protected us and didn’t want us to be maltreated in any form, and he stood his ground that I wasn’t going to marry a teacher because he felt that teachers were harsh.

However, that was a wrong perception. In those days, teachers’ disciplinary stance was legendary, unlike what obtains now. Unfortunately, many people mistook our disciplinary actions and strictness for harshness.

Is he a loving man?

Yes, of course. He loves and cares so much for his family. But he is a no-nonsense man. I would tell you that our being together for these past decades has been by the grace of the Almighty God. Like I said, there is no specific format in marriage. All you need is find your bearing and ride with it.

Another quality that attracted me to him was his intelligence and honesty. He is strict and true to his belief. Many people also misunderstand his uprightness for stubbornness, but time proved a lot of things right. He always stands for what is right and this often brought him at loggerheads with people, and they would end up saying, ‘M. N. Uba is a stubborn man’.

He is truly kind and loving but has zero tolerance for injustice and oppression. That is why I love him and he has remained a role model to many people.

Is he still strict at 88?

Not anymore. As you know, time changes a lot of things. Age has certainly slowed him down. He was like a roaring lion in his heyday, yet kind.

Can you share with us some of the challenges that you went through as a couple?

There were so many changes. Where do I start? There is no marriage that is devoid of challenge, especially when you are faced with the issue of childlessness. Ours was no exception. It was a tough one for us as a young couple. The first hurdle was having to live apart after we got married. We couldn’t live together because he was teaching in a missionary school, which was against the school owner’s policy or he would lose his job. So, I stayed in a different town, while he came only during the weekends.

Another critical time was after I lost my first child and remained childless for another three years. He was losing patience. There was pressure from all sides but I kept faith and continued to pray. I think it was one of the most trying periods of my life. Naturally, in every marriage, a woman gains security when she bears children and it is always a fight if she is not able to. It is not quite common to see families that accommodate such. It is always a battle and for me, it was a tug of war. Opposition came from everywhere and I nearly lost the marriage.

However, after three years, I had a baby girl. And you know that in those days, teachers were not well paid, unlike nowadays. We had to contend with irregular salaries and the burden of raising children under that circumstance. But I had always been busy too, supporting him. Raising a large family is a heavy task and it couldn’t be left for him alone. But we got by and, thank God, we are still together.

How did you survive these hurdles?

It was simply by the grace of the Almighty. My late elder sister was my wonderful confidant. She was so optimistic that the storm would be over. And I also had a few women friends who were older than me whom I confided in. So, whenever I had difficulties, I would go to them and they would advise me on various issues. Their wise counsel was of immense value throughout those turbulent periods. And because they were older and more experienced, they had ready nuggets to give on how best to deal with issues.

Again, my late mother -in-law and her sister were always there for me. They never took sides. They were very objective and always ready to assist us. They would always tell me that without patience and tolerance, no marriage survives. I took to their advice and today, I am very grateful and have lived happily for these decades with him.

Was there any time you thought of leaving him because of some difficulties?

No, I never thought so. Times were difficult, but then, it was not quite common to see women separating from their husbands as it happens now except in extreme cases, which were very few indeed. In our days, our parents would always plead with you to stay and that things would be alright. A woman who runs away from her husband’s house because she couldn’t endure or for whatever reason, was seen as bringing disgrace and shame to her parents.

At that time, any woman who ran away from her husband was considered as having been ill-advised and stupid. In any case, where would you run to? Don’t forget that then, not many women were economically empowered. We were taught to endure and be patient because tough times do not last but tough people do. Again, for me, since I had born children, I never thought of leaving them because it would be sheer stupidity leaving my children in circumstances I felt were unbearable. If I couldn’t take it, how would my children survive it without me? In spite of all the challenges, I knew that my children held the passport to a good future for us.

Why is it that in your tradition, when the wife passes on, her corpse is taken back to her family?

It is an integral part of our tradition. It is mandatory that a woman should be taken back to her kindred when she passes on. And based on this, when she is being given away in marriage on that day, this aspect of our tradition is clearly spelt out to her husband’s family. They would tell you as the husband that on no account would they want to see their daughter coming back except on the last day.

So, what does this mean?

It means a lot. It is our cultural heritage. The connotation of this is that the woman’s family prays that there will be no divorce. It is a fervent prayer that the couple will live long together and that it is only in the event of passage that your wife would be separated from you and be brought back to them because on the last day, her family must ask for their daughter.

Even if her husband had passed on before her?

Yes. It is the duty of the children to return her. We have a saying in my place that succinctly captures it: ‘We gave you the flesh of the woman and not the bones,’ which means that when you are done with her flesh, you endeavour to bring back her bones.

Is this practice still on?

Sure, why not? The law is sacrosanct and people still adhere to it. It is a crucial aspect of the marriage rites, irrespective of your religious or socio-economic status. No matter how wealthy the children may be, the woman must be taken back to her people in the event of death.

What was the advice your father gave you as you set out of the home?

My father’s wise counsel has also helped me a lot. In the first place, he made me to understand that no marriage was easy, so I should be ready to tolerate and bear whatever came my way. He also told me to remember whose daughter I am so that I would avoid getting involved in anything that would bring disgrace to him because he, too, was strict. He was a man of few words, but a great disciplinarian.

What would you say is the panacea for a successful marriage?

The first thing is to hold on to God. He is the builder and sustainer of all unions. Couples must learn to clean off their grievances as soon as possible; otherwise it would snowball into bigger crisis. Most importantly, a woman who craves happiness must learn to close one eye to some of the man’s excesses because men will always be men. We are Africans and as such, our cultural values are different from those of the Western world. You must be tolerant and accommodating. You must confide in people who would give you good advice.

We also get to hear that couples should not involve a third party. What’s your take on that?

Yes, it is alright not to involve a third party, but is it not better if you seek good advice and useful hints from a close confidant than bottling issues up until they eat you up or go beyond redemption?

Divorce rate is high now. What do you think is responsible?

Divorce is an age-long thing but I think the cases have become higher now because women have become more empowered and more educated than before. They have options and can take care of themselves financially these days. In our days, divorce was not fashionable, but now the reverse is the case. Then, the watch word was, ‘we can make it together’. Today, it is a sad tale of ‘I need to take a walk,’ all thanks to financial independence.

Again, married women gravitate towards their age mates, unlike then when younger married women moved closer to older and more experienced ones from whom they tapped knowledge.

Marriage is a different institution. You may be a professor but fail in marriage. So, you need wisdom and constant tips from those who have had experiences.

What is your advice to young couples?

When you are getting married, you should know that there is no such thing as Mr. Right or Miss Perfect. No one is 100 per cent good. But if you are able to get someone who has 75 to 80 per cent of what you want, you can begin to build on that as you grow.

Again, you must take into cognisance that both of you are from different backgrounds and as such, should build a base of friendship. It is always easier to resolve issues when you are friends. Tolerance and endurance are the key elements to successful marriage.

So simply said, what would you say you found in your husband that has kept you with him all these years?

Sixty years after, hmm, I still see love in his eyes. I see beautiful things that have come out of our union, and that has kept me with him.