The Nation Newspaper

Tag: marriage

  • Artisan pleads with court to save marriage

    An artisan, Scot Emmanuel (27) yesterday begged an Ojo Customary Court in Lagos to prevail on his wife to stop her divorce bid.

    “I do not want my marriage of 10 years that has produced two children to scatter. I want to settle with my wife and I am ready to provide accommodation for her and my children,” he said.

    Emmanuel urged the court to reject the suit filed by his wife for alleged abandonment because he still loves her.

    “I will put in more effort to provide her and my children with accommodation so that they can leave her brother’s house where they are presently staying.

    “My wife should take it easy with me too because I do not get contracts to do borehole very often.

    “My kind of work is not steady and constant,” he told the court.

    The petitioner, Caroline, alleged that her husband had not taken “proper steps” on reconciliation.

    “My husband promised this court in our last hearing that he will see my people for reconciliation.

    “But as I speak, he has not done anything about that and has not come to see us.

    “My seven-year-old daughter has not been going to school since my ordeal with him started,” she said.

    The court’s President, Chief Joseph Ogunmola, advised Emmanuel to work harder to make Caroline to change her mind because of their children.

    “Caroline is too young to have two homes now in her life. But the petitioner too needs to endure with her husband,’’ he advised.

    He asked the couple to involve their family members to settle their differences and adjourned the case to June 2 for possible reconciliation.

     

  • How to transform your marriage (4)

    Dear reader, I welcome you to this last edition of the series of the teaching of this month. I want you to know that it is not just reading alone that guarantees your desired result.  It is your doing and taking a conscious and practical step based on what you have read so far, that can guarantee you the sweetness you desire in your home.

    God has made provisions for home to be sweet and produce well for you and I, but we have a responsibility to develop that plan.  It is like the negative film of a picture.  The photographer must spend time in the darkroom developing the negative and come out with a beautiful picture.  A negative must be developed, before it becomes enviable.  This is the same thing with home.  You must develop your home, by doing those little things that you may think don’t really matters.

    So far, we have seen the potency of the words that can transform a marriage and make the home ever sweet.  This week, God has another powerful secret for us and that secret is, Touching & Giving of Gifts.

    This is a very important act. Sometimes, a touch speaks just as much as words. It communicates “I am in touch with you.” It keeps the fire burning at times, when words are clumsy.  When this vital factor is lacking, the couple stays aloof and withdrawn. The atmosphere in the house is usually tense.

    A touch communicates warmth. When a husband, for instance, puts his arms around his wife, it brings warmth that neither money nor words can produce. Husband and wife, study to be romantic. Couples are to be “ravished” by each other’s love!  God’s Word says …: Be thou ravished always with her love (Proverbs 5:19) “Ravished” means transported by delight. It works!

    Husband, there may be times when your wife is down physically, remember that “love is medicine.” At such times, all you need to do is to show a little more love and she’ll be well! Some kind words, a little physical touch, some kisses or a little gift from you as husband to her as a wife! The time she would have spent at the doctor’s office could be used by you to demonstrate your love to her and you wouldn’t need to spend your money for drugs anymore! I’ll never forget an experience I had some years ago.

    There was a time when I was really down physically.  My husband went out one of those days and came back with a little gift, beautifully wrapped and personally presented to me, to further express his love for me. Could you believe that, that little act of love from him brought me health and I never needed medication? There’s no woman who hates to be loved.

    These are little things, but they have the ability to lift up your marriage. Love is medicine! We love those who are precious and honour them.

    God so loved the world that He gave His son! If you claim to love, it must find expression in giving.  A thoughtful little gift at the right time can work wonders! You must make it a point of duty to remember special days such as birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions, and share the joy of the moment by exchanging gifts. These were the things you did, while courting; you shouldn’t let them slip by just because you’re now married.

    A gift at the right time to your spouse can enhance your relationship and make it more precious. Remember Elkanah and Hannah? Elkanah was sensitive to the needs of his wife. He had so mastered the art of ministering to Hannah’s emotional needs that he could say to her, …Am not I better to thee than ten sons (I Samuel1:8). You will not fail in Jesus’ name!

    If you are not born again, it will be impossible for you to benefit from what has just been discussed. However, if you want to be born again and become a child of God now, you can say this simple prayer with me in faith: “Dear Lord Jesus, I come to You today. I believe You died and rose again for my sake. Forgive me of my sins, take over my life, make me Your child and let Your peace reign over my life. Now I know I am born again!”

    Congratulations, you are now born again! I believe that you will begin to experience the reality of the price that Jesus paid for your sins at Calvary. All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you in Jesus’ Name!Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org, and conselling@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • How to transform your marriage (3)

    Dear Reader, you are welcome to another very interesting time in God’s presence.  My focus is still on How to Transform Your Marriage.

    Last week, we saw how powerful the word, “Thank you” is. This week, we will yet be receiving another secret that will enhance the transformation you desire in your marriage. It is learning to says, “I love you.”

    Saying, “I love you” over and over again spices up the marriage. Words are powerful, and just like it is necessary for rain to fall again and again for farmers to reap a bountiful harvest, so also is it necessary to say, “I love you” over and over again.

    The relationship started off by the use of these three words should grow by its continuous use.  A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.  The presumptuous claim that it’s not necessary to say it over and over again because, “He or she should know I love him/her,” is wrong.  The Bible points out the importance of voicing out what one believes in the heart (Romans 10:10).  What you believe in your heart, you need to say with your mouth.  No one can read minds, and until thoughts are voiced out, they remain private.

    These are just three short words, yet by them men and women come together to establish God’s counsel on the earth.  Often, however, these words are forgotten, after the excitement of the wedding ceremony is over.

    Faith, the Bible tells us, comes by hearing. If faith, the all-important mountain mover, becomes ours by the simple act of hearing, imagine how many mountains will be moved out of your homes when you say, “I love you” to your spouse often!

    Someone once said the problem is that we say what we have, instead of what we want.  If you want the oil in the home to dry up, confess the negative.  That’s how God won man to Himself – while we were yet sinners, Christ died, thus saying, “I love you” to people who rejected His love.  However, the day you decide to accept His love, is a day of the fulfilment of prophecy.

    Husband and wife must learn to speak kind words to each other.  Words create the atmosphere of a sweet home relationship.  Express to your mate the nice qualities you like in him or her.  There must be a continued renewal of your love towards your spouse (Colossians 3:19; Ephesians 5:25-28).

    Someone rightly said, “Action speaks louder than words.” There is a place for words, but there’s a place for action.  Lending a helping hand, being available, make a difference in relationships.  They are a way to say, “I care”.  Someone once said that it can be quite frustrating for a woman to do all the work in the house, while the man sits in front of the television enjoying a game of football, only to say to the tired woman, “I love you, dear”.  She knows you love her; at least you’ve said so, but take a step and help her with the household chores. It adds zest to your words.

    When a wife hears, “I love you” from the husband, her countenance changes.  She cannot hear it too much.  My husband is never too tired to appreciate and say, “I love you” to me.  Each time I hear that from my husband, I’m excited and on top throughout the day.  It works!

    Say the words before leaving for work and when you come home.  Say, “I love you” before hanging up the phone or after a particularly inspiring conversation.  Every marriage needs a daily dose of these three important words.  “I love you” often is never a bad habit to cultivate.  Even if we are upset with our spouse that day, saying “I love you” may help us forgive him or her.

    Learn to say nice words to your family members. Husbands, it’s not wrong to say, “I love you” to your wife often.

    If you are not born again, you are not yet a child of God and it will be impossible for you to benefit from what has just been discussed, as God is only committed to His own (Romans 10:9-10; John 1:12).  However, if you want to be born again and become a child of God now, why not say this simple prayer in faith: “Dear Lord Jesus, I come to You today. I believe You died and rose again for my sake. Forgive me of my sins, take over my life, make me Your child and let Your peace reign over my life. Now I know I am born again!”

    Congratulations, you are now born again! I believe that you will begin to experience the reality of the price that Jesus paid for your sins at Calvary. All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you in Jesus’ Name!

    Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org, and conselling@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • How to transform your marriage (2)

    Dear Reader, I count it a great privilege to bring God’s Word your way again, today.  The joy of the Lord will fill your home and every promise you have been holding unto in God’s Word, will become a reality in your life, in Jesus’ Name.

    Thank God for His Word of wisdom that He has been revealing to us. His Word has been exposing to us the secrets for transformation in your marriage. Last week, the secrets of the words, “I’m sorry” were revealed to us. This week, God has another secret for you, and that secret is learning to say, “Thank you.”

    These two short words go a long way towards creating credibility: “Thank you.” There may be dozens of times each day when we should say, “thank you” and we don’t. We’re either too busy, preoccupied with our own thoughts or feelings, or maybe we’re unknowingly insensitive to the good deeds done by our spouse. When your spouse does anything for you, then it is time to say, “Thank you.”

    “Thank you” is a phrase that any of us can say which can help to improve and transform our home and marriage. Say it once and reap the blessings. Say it often and you will enrich your marriage greatly and make your home sweet!

    Men and women who are not complimented do not feel appreciated. They feel taken for granted and ordinary. So, when someone outside showers them with the much sought for compliments, they are easily carried away.  Appreciating little things creates greater things. Nothing should escape our appreciation or thanks; it motivates the beneficiary to go a step further.

    A two-word, such as “Thank you,” can do a lot to brighten and strengthen the relationship between you and your spouse. Some men never see the need to say, “Thank you” to their wives. To them, their wives demand no commendation for performing their domestic duties. This is unfair and unscriptural. Thanksgiving should be reciprocal. It shouldn’t be one-sided. So, learn to appreciate others for their good deeds around the home, and for their kind gestures shown towards you.

    Besides this, you must also be thankful to the Lord for your spouse and family members, no matter the situation.  God’s Word says: Out of them shall proceed thanksgiving and the voice of them that make merry: and I will multiply them, and they shall not be few; I will also glorify them, and they shall not be small (Jeremiah 30:19).

    Thanksgiving always has multiplier effect on whatever you are giving God thanks for. If you thank Him for the love that reigns and the level of sweetness you enjoy in your family today, He will multiply it. If you can inculcate the act of gratitude into your family’s lifestyle, then get set to experience the love and peace that know no bounds in your marital life.

    Thanking your spouse for doing something well or for something you like about him or her, goes a long way to improve the love in your marriage and invariably the sweetness in your home. Everyone loves to be praised; everyone loves nice things to be said about him or her.

    Husband, handle your wife with care, by speaking kind words of appreciation to her often.  She needs to hear you express it daily, how much you love and appreciate her.

    If you are not yet born again, this is a great opportunity for you to experience the reality of the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ in your life, as you receive Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Saviour. Please say this simple prayer of faith: “Dear Lord Jesus, I come to You today. I believe You died and rose again for my sake. Forgive me of my sins, take over my life, make me Your child and let Your peace reign over my life. Now I know I am born again!”

    Congratulations, you are now born again! I believe that you will begin to experience the reality of the price that Jesus paid for your sins at Calvary. All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you in Jesus’ Name!

    Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org, and conselling@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • Infidelity in marriage

    I FEEL betrayed: I just discovered that my spouse is unfaithful, and I feel really angry. I keep asking myself, why? Please Harriet, kindly explain my situation to me.

    Name withheld,

    Lekki, Lagos

     

    Infidelity or unfaithfulness is a huge feeling of betrayal. As painful as it may look, it will be nice to understand that infidelity is in various forms. Therefore, it will be nice to know the type of infidelity that your spouse committed. The solutions are different as well, depending on the type of infidelity. For easy understanding, infidelity has been classified into three groups. The first is the One Night Stand. It is just a one-off, no strain attached, no contact exchange, no intention of keeping a relationship with the person.

    The second is Sexual Addiction. It is like an illness. It is a situation where the person lacks self-control.

    The third is Entangled Affair. It is more emotional, intimate and long-lasting. As a matter of fact, knowing the type that your spouse is involved makes it easy to deal with. A person in your situation will like to know what led to the act of infidelity. Therefore, our next step is to provide you with all the necessary information for you to have a clear picture and again to understand that your feeling and reaction are expected.

     

    The big question is WHY? What are the reasons for this act of infidelity.

    An affair can happen in a good marriage as well as in a marriage with existing problems, although there is no justification for infidelity in marriage? In situation when spouse gives excuses for having an affair, it is simply a way to personally justify the behaviour and to feel more at ease with the decision to cheat. Mind you, it is a decision. Some, on the other hand, may not understand why they are unfaithful. It is very important to note that you are not to blame for your spouse’s decision to stray.

    We are human beings with free will to take decision on our own. Dealing with the issue of infidelity is incomplete, if we don’t mention some reasons or excuses people give for being unfaithful to their spouses.

    They are as follows: Lack of affection in both the husband and the wife: Some spouses claim that they feel neglected with little or no attention.

    Another reason is low self-esteem as a result of their spouses’ attitude towards them, for example, cursing and abusing.  Some claim lack of satisfaction physically or emotionally. An addiction to sex or romance is another reason. This is the need for more sex or sexual variety. Some feel that it is a better way to end an unhappy marriage or relationship, most especially in situation where they are living like roommates.

    Other reasons are fear of commitment, need for excitement, lack of stable role-model relationship when growing up, inability to resist advances from the opposite sex, making spouses jealous, deception, emotional intimacy and flirtation.

    Even though the Internet correspondents may not see face to face, some use it as a reason to be unfaithful to their spouses. Internet sex has become a great concern for many families. Lack of communication, peer pressure or home or office pressure and family expansion can also be responsible.

    Moreover, statements like : Men are polygamous by nature; variety is the spices of life; if my wife catches me she goes and if I catch her she goes; I need some space; you don’t listen to me; I can’t help myself; he/she doesn’t mean anything to me; it’s not the way you feel; I was charmed; she/he seduced me; I didn’t mean it;

    I was tempted; or it’s the work of the devil; I feel sorry for her/him because of his or her  situation; and it was just once are also causes.

     

    Reactions to infidelity in marriage:

    Reactions to different types of infidelity differ. The reaction to Entangled Affair is different from One Night Stand or Sexual Addiction. There are several situations: caught in the act with a close friend or relative attracts a reaction that is different from caught in the act with a stranger on the internet.

    If you are experiencing infidelity in your marriage, all the statistics in the world probably will mean nothing. Right now, all you can think about is the way infidelity is affecting you. If you are normal, you are experiencing a wide range of emotions and you might feel that you are losing your sanity because of the deep, negative, emotional impact of infidelity. It’s the depth of betrayal and emotional pain that often leads to divorce. Such negative emotions are hard to put behind you and many people feel there is no way to ever rebuild trust.

    Here are some of the emotions one feels when faced with the knowledge that one’s spouse has cheated.  If you have found yourself in this situation, take heart, these emotions will eventually fade and your life will become normal again.

     

    Denial:

    This is a very normal first reaction, and most people will spend some time simply refusing to believe that their spouse is involved with someone else, no matter how compelling the evidence may be. However, try to be honest with yourself, accept what has happened. Only through honesty and clarity can you get through this.

     

    Anger:

    You will find yourself experiencing anger you didn’t know you were capable of. An affair attacks the very foundation of your day-to- day life, robbing you of your security, violating the vows you took when you got married and stripping away all the peace of mind you got from being married.

    It is normal to feel mad at your spouse and at the other person who has invaded your marriage. Nevertheless, this is also one of the most destructive emotions you’ll be working through, so it is important to try and keep it under control.

     

    Rejection:

    It’s impossible not to feel personally rejected when you find that your spouse has replaced you with another. Your self-esteem will hit an all-time low at some point before you recover. Turn to your experienced good friends and family for strength.

     

    Other reactions are: shock, heart-broken, hatred, used and violated, shattered, hurt, humiliated, depressed, homicidal,  blameworthy, helpless, vengeful,  undesirable,  sexually aroused,  some are happy (especially those that are suspicious of their spouse, and have been looking for proof) and some feel relieved, alarmed,

    lose their temper, some weep, bitterness set in, low self-esteem leads to spouse feeling unimportant, inferior, worthless and spiteful.

    Everyone will experience emotions differently. This list, though it isn’t complete, is a starting place and will help you understand some of the emotions you are feeling. It’s important to know that your reaction to infidelity is normal and to understand that you may feel different emotions at different times.

  • How to transform your marriage

    DEAR Reader, happy Easter to you in Jesus’ Name! When Jesus rose from the dead, it was a time of joy for His disciples. They had seen the fulfilment of prophecy. Their long-awaited dreams had come to pass at last. That shall be your portion this Easter season, in Jesus’ Name.

    All through this month, I will be taking you through a topic which I titled: How to Transform Your Marriage.

    Your home can be sweet, steady and strong. It can be an example for others to follow, if you know the essential elements of making it work.  Like Billy Graham, Kenneth Hagin and a host of others, you can have cause to look back and smile during your sixtieth wedding anniversary.

    You must accept that you are the builder of your home, by being diligent and working at it.  God’s Word says: By much slothfulness the building decayeth; and through idleness of the hands the house droppeth through (Ecclesiastes 10:18). There is no prize for the slothful!

    This month, I want to talk about vital things the husband and wife usually ignore in their marriage. They are very minor, yet a lot of couples ignore them, I call them the 3-As: Apology  “I’m sorry”, Appreciation  “Thank you” and Affection  “I love you”.

    The words, “I’m sorry”, “Thank you” and “I love you” are very short and simple words, but they are powerful words in our everyday life, which must not be forgotten. Instead, they must be said every time they are needed.  Forgetting these simple and very important words, can cause a lot of disorder in our relationship.

    Say, “Sorry”, every time you make a mistake and say, “Thank you”, for simple things done to you by your spouse.  The best words that must be said everyday is, “I love you”. These words when often used at home, could make the relationship grow stronger and deeper.  This week, I will be looking at the word, “I’m sorry.”

    “I am sorry” are three short words that can make big improvements in any marriage.  By these short powerful words, our marriages and homes will be more pleasant and peaceful. Offences are bound to occur between a man and his wife, but it is not wise for any partner to just overlook things, whenever one is hurt by the other person.

    God’s Word says: For a just man falleth seven times, and riseth up again (Proverbs 24:16).  Admit when you make mistakes. The Bible says because we are still in the human flesh, that from time to time, we may make mistakes.  However, the moment the husband or wife, or both, sincerely say the words, “I’m sorry,” healing has the chance to enter and begin to soothe the emotional wounds. “I’m sorry” is a powerful healing balm that can be placed over hurt and wounded feelings. It works like fire!

    So, don’t be hesitant or too proud to ask for forgiveness from your spouse or family members any time you go wrong. The Bible says, if you humble yourself under the mighty hand of God, He will lift you. Some people find it difficult to apologize to their wives or children or family members, whom they had offended.  God’s Word says: He that covereth his sins shall not prosper; but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy (Proverbs 28:13).

    Whenever you go wrong, admit it to the person and refuse to do it again, then God’s mercy and favour are made available to you. It is pride that brought the devil from such a high place with God, to the lowest pit of hell. Pride goes before a fall, so don’t let pride make you refuse to apologize, any time you are wrong. Failure to admit your mistakes before your spouse, is an obstacle to intimacy in marriage.

    If you have offended your partner, “I am sorry” is not too much to say, meaning it from the depth of your heart. You must cultivate the habit of apologizing, when you are wrong.  Say, “I’m sorry”, and try to mean it.  We do not help anyone by defending ourselves. Avoid the word “but”! This can kill our apology.  To our lover’s ears, “I’m sorry but…” translates to “I’m not really sorry, and I am just saying I’m sorry to allow myself to give an excuse.”  Stop shifting blames; accept your fault each time you are wrong!God has given you the secret of a transformed marriage, go forth and enjoy it, in Jesus’ Name! If you are not born again, you are not entitled to the peaceful married life that God has reserved for His children. However, God’s grace of salvation is extending to you right now. If you desire to be born again, say this simple prayer in faith: “Dear Lord, I come to You today.  I am a sinner.  Forgive me of my sins.  Cleanse me with Your precious Blood.  I accept You as my Lord and Saviour.  Now I know I am born again!”

    Congratulations, you are now born again! I believe that you will begin to experience the reality of the price that Jesus paid for your sins at Calvary. All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you in Jesus’ Name!

    Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org, and conselling@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • Man, 72, seeks dissolution of 44-year old marriage

    Peter Ogba, 72, on Friday pleaded with an Ojo Customary Court in Lagos to dissolve his 44-year old marriage with Felicia, for alleged infidelity.

    Ogba, an architect, told the court that the respondent turned promiscuous and unruly 32 years after their marriage which was contracted in 1971 and had produced eight children.

    “In 2004, my wife started running after other men, sleeping about. I am a chief, and according to our culture, she has done something taboo,’’ he said.

    He said he had stopped eating at home because of his wife’s current behaviour, adding that he had lost the love he used to have for her.

    “I complained to my fellow chiefs in my community and they have advised me to send her out.

    “I bought a car for my wife in the 1970s when she was very young. I did all I could for her but she prefers to be promiscuous and I cannot take it anymore.

    “Though my children are against my action because she had poisoned their minds against me, I prefer to die than coexist with a woman that indulges in fetish acts,’’ he said.

    Ogba said he had to get another woman to take care of him two years after his wife packed out of the matrimonial home.

    “I appeal to this court to dissolve this marriage and eject Felicia from my house because we cannot coexist,’’ he said.

    Felicia, however, told the court that their families had settled the case back in the village, which had dragged on for 10 years before then.

    She said that this made her to return to the matrimonial home in January.

    “I don’t know why my husband should bring the case to this court because we have settled the matter in the village after sacrificing a goat as required by our tradition.

    “It is the other woman he brought into the house that is controlling him. However, my children have asked me not to pack out of my matrimonial home, so I will not pack out,’’ she said.

    Isioma Akolape, one of her daughters, said she and her siblings had been pleading with their parents and praying to God for the settlement of the crisis.

    “I was pregnant when my dad drove our mum away from the house with a cutlass, we even performed traditional rites with N90,000 to settle the matter.

    “My mother married my father when she was 16 years old and without any experience and they had been living together.

    “But my dad had refused to listen to our pleas for settlement because he had brought in a new lady.

    “I am pleading with our dad, on behalf of the eight children as my elder brother is out of the country, to forgive our mum and restore the relationship,’’ she told the court.

    The president of the court, Mr Hakeem Oyekan, said, “we acknowledge the fact that a disagreement arose in the relationship but dissolving the union will be a bad precedence that will not be pleasant in the future.

    “Truth is bitter but it must be told, the children should not have allowed the case to drag on for 10 years before thinking of a settlement,’’ he said.

    He appealed to Ogba to allow the wife to move into an apartment outside the main building.

    He advised the couple to remain peaceful and adjourned the case to April 27 for further hearing.

  • How to make marriage work 

    The 21-chapter book by Olayinka Ogunmekan is a well researched work on wedding and marriages. It addresses among others fundamental issues in marriage such as life during marriage, meaning and types of marriage, weddings dos and don’ts and how to keep a marriage. It also includes illustrations on sexual positions and many other things that one must know about marriages and weddings.

    In Chapter one, the writer defines marriage, and types of marriage where he mentioned marriage because of children, for pregnancy, based on material gain, arranged marriage, unconditional marriage. In all these he said the best is unconditional because others end drastically except unconditional.

    According to him, unconditional marriage is the one ordained by God, based on genuine love, understanding and fairness, but all the marriages have their advantages and disadvantages.

    “There is none that is full of proof as any of them could break up if the couple do not know how to handle bad situations. A successful marriage is not the one where the couple is happy with themselves when things are good, but when things are not very normal and when things are down,” it stated.

    Chapter two talks about the road to marriage, which starts with introduction and ends with actual wedding. In this chapter he tried to point out changes and inventions that have been made and introduced to the African wedding of today and advised that people go back to the old ways of doing things.

    Chapter four explains that God and not the husband, is the head of the family while the husband and wife are students in the college of marriage. “If couples have this at the back of their minds they will tolerate themselves more and have less friction,” the writer said.

    He advised that the foundation of marriage is very important and before a couple ties the knot one of them must ensure that one of the spouses has somebody he or she looks up to in case all internal entreaties fail as nobody is perfect and people can change.

    He explained problems that can come up in marriages and ways to correct them. He also advised that people should not allow infatuations becloud their sense of judgment on who to marry.

    Still in chapter four the writer stated that people have a choice of who to marry. “Black or light complexioned, tall, average or short, an introvert or extrovert, well-kept or carefree, flashy, reserved or just calm, number of children, where and how to live, the type of work to do and whether both of you should work.”

    According to the writer these are very important things to ponder before marriage.

    On how to keep a marriage, the writer suggested that one should be able to manage conflicts that may crop up occasionally. “Talk to your spouse with some respect, and always be willing to look at the ugly situations very well before you pass comments and judgments. Do not continue to give excuses when you are accused or a wrong is pointed out to you. Never be ashamed to admit your fault. Talk courteously and try to look for ways and means to resolve issues instead of looking for how to punish or set trap for your spouse.”

    The book mentioned that spouses should try to look good always and call themselves pet names. Chapter seven focuses on tolerance where it described tolerance is one major thing in a successful marriage. It stated though there is always a limit to the tolerance level of any human being, in marriage there should not be any limit. If people want their marriages to stand the test of time and last forever, there are some secrets that should remain secrets.

    “This is not to encourage deceit, but to advise that there are some past mistakes that were innocently done and would never be repeated as they could damage the trust between the couple.

    “For example, does it make sense for a lady to start counting the number of boyfriends she had before the marriage in the name of honesty. Another mistake ladies make is getting home to tell their husbands who and who made advances at them while at work of when they go to parties with friends,” it stated.

    Chapter 10 is on security feeling, while 11 dwells on sexual life. The writer identified sexual life as one major reasons for the success or failure of a marriage. He said sex is very important in marriage and disagreed with people who say there have substitute for sex in marriage.

    According to the book, the usual position is for the man to do all the work in a ‘deem-light’ or no-light at all in the room, but now it is bare and in some cases the wife does more of the job than the ‘lazy man.’ It gives other reasons why sex is good for couples, the dos and don’ts of sex life of a couple and gave an illustration of sex positions on page 63 of the book.

    The writer advises in chapter 12 that couples should show love to each other. The chapter focuses more on men as the writer tells them not to beat up their wives, take them out more often, buy them gifts during their birthdays while the next chapter advises that couple should make it a point of duty to sleep on the same bed every night even though they have different rooms.

    Chapter 14 is on relationship with in-laws. It states that women are very poor when it comes to relating with in-laws. It explains that: “In the Nigerian environment, a wife is always wrongly looked upon as being junior or at times inferior to members of the husband’s family. “To get their support, you have to play along with them. As the wife, you must persevere and win them to your side.”

    Chapter 15 talks about polygamy, reasons for polygamy, influence on the children and advises that a lot of wisdom is needed to succeed in a polygamous home in modern times. The next chapter is on polyandry. Chapter 17 is on the children. It explains that children can make or mar a marriage. “Do not over pamper your children and do not give then their future too soon,” it stated. In the next chapter we are made to understand that our housemaid, driver or artisan can play a major role in our marital life. “I must tell you they play a lot and might even wreck the marriage and take over if you underrate them,” the writer stated.

    Chapter 19 is on divorce, which the writer says is the worst situation in any marriage. The next is on Wills where the writer says people should not create a problem for others after their death through their will by sharing their property unjustly.

    The last chapter is on family prayers where the writer says the husband and wife should pray together on non-working days so that they will have enough time to pray together.

    The remaining 40 pages contain prayer messages. The book is ideal for those preparing for marriage and those already married who need to understand some things in their marriage life.  In chapter nine, “mistake done” was used instead of made. Another is “number of boyfriends she had gone out with,” instead of dated. Also in the same chapter “who and who made advances “to,” instead of at were few of the errors in the book.

     

  • MARRIAGE is something that I cannot rush into

    MARRIAGE is something that I cannot rush into

    WHAT has been happening these past few years?

    These past years, I have gotten more involved in the NGO that I run. I have been able to establish the projects that I work on to reach quite a number of schools and understand exactly what our aims and our objectives for what we are doing is. We started off in one school in Festac and today, we have been able to reach 11 schools in Lagos. We have been able to send about 400 books out to Ekiti State which should be able toserve about five schools over there. It has been interesting,I would say. I think I am becoming more of a social entrepreneur. I didn’t think I was going to be in this space.

    What exactly is your foundation all about?

    I run the Tosin Jegede Foundation and that is really on the back of what I did as a singer. When I was a singer, I actually was raising money for the SOS Children Villages. We started in the one in Isolo, Lagos.  That was the first one I attended. We raised money for them. Then we went to Zaria and then started going to different orphanages.

    So the Tosin Jegede Foundation was set up based on this idea that I felt I wanted to do something to make children happy. Those were my words when I was four. We registered the foundation in 2001. From then till date, we have been working on projects that would improve the lives of people, particularly the poor. So One Child One Book is a project under the foundation that started in 2011 but the first school we went into was in 2012.

    What is the goal of One Child One Book project?

    The overall aim of the project is to provide a book for every child that cannot afford one in Nigeria, starting in Lagos. We know how populated Lagos is. We decided to work with public school children, trying to understand how we are going to do it, how much it is going to cost us and all these different things. So,it has gone from a process of the idea to making sure that they read. For me personally, it has moved from this person that wants to run an NGO to running a social business because we need to be able to make impact. It is really about what happens on the ground, how we are really changing people’s lives.

    From your personal findings, what would you say about the reading culture of Nigerian kids?

    The reading culture is suffering but I remember I read something on a blog. It was talking about how people complain about our reading culture but the truth is that we are reading and writing more. Compared to the days when we used to write letters to each other, we now have these devices through which we send text messages, send more rumour broadcasts and those kinds of things.

    The real issue is what we read. We have a new generation. So we now have to understand what it is that we can serve them with. That is what I have basically been challenged to. The children are a lot more aware of a lot of things and so, I really believe that it is just a matter of what we are giving them.

    You have been absent from the music scene. Are we to expect a return soon?

    I think for me, music is a beautiful expression. I have been quite fortunate that I did music at a very young age. I will not ignore that fact. I feel that because of music, I have been able to go on and do other things. Music has changed since I did it in the 80s and I’m very aware that for me to do music right now, I need to have good content and just be psychologically ready to deal with the business of music because music is a business. I would love to still do music today.

    The confidence to still do music, I definitely have it. I would want to do something in music but it would be an issue of who I get to work with. To be honest, I am happy being in a school. I still have many more years. I would still do music. It is just a matter of when.

    Do you still write songs?

    I never wrote songs. I wrote some but I didn’t ever publish them. I never recorded any of my own material but I am still very involved in music. The thing I can say is that I have assisted an artiste in terms of his production. I still have a connection with the sound. We actually recorded two songs for children in a primary school in Festac. Those songs were in line with the amalgamation. I co-wrote the songs with my dad and I think they sounded okay.

    Was it your dad who wrote your songs?

    My dad was one of the key writers. It was he who wrote most of the songs in my first album. For the second and third albums, he got quite a few writers to join in. My dad is still very much a song writer. If you leave him with a beat he will compose a song.

    It was recently announced that you have been rid of 25 years contract…

    For my second album, we signed a 25 years contract in 1989. That contract just ended. It ended last year. I remember counting down to it. It meant that I did not have the right to any of the material on that album. I thought it was interesting because when we signed it, I don’t think we had a lawyer or anything like that.

    And I think Polygram Records was excited about the idea of having a child star. In terms of what they were able to do with my music, I don’t think they really got it. They had all these ideas. Even as a Polygram artiste, I performed on stage for people that were drunk. Quite a few notable artistes were on Polygram. I don’t think I really got the good side of the contract but we were tied to it. I commend today’s artistes and the young people that are running their own music outfit because it is really having to take the opportunities that exists in that aspect.

    Aside music and the foundation, what do you do with your spare time?

    My family keeps me going. I’m presently listening to an audio book by Simon Sinek titled Start with Why. It has made me understand my life over the last couple of years. I think the thing I realise is, just understanding my personality. Sometimes, I am very comfortable being in a room full of people. Other times I want to be by myself. Sometimes, I just go to the beach, sit on the sand and look outside the sky and pray or just talk to God. I also dabble into arts. I had an exhibition in 2005. I enjoy painting and listening to loud music. I think there is so much inside my head and so much in me that I feel I need to invest it in others.

    Are you married now?

    Not yet. I think there is a purpose to everything. And I’m quite fortunate that I understand now that marriage is not the next thing that you tick off your list of things to do. It is something with purpose because it needs to last. You need to actually marry somebody who understands your vision. I think I have a big vision. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I just have to put some things down. Sometimes, I’m up till 6am. I think I am fortunate enough to know that marriage is something that I cannot rush into and I’m sure a lot of women will say that as well. Until the time is right in a sense, so be it.

  • I want to reduce my weight to save my marriage

    Hello Harriet, I am really impressed with your column in The Nation. Please, I need you to counsel me on what to do. I am 45 years old and married with children. Here is my case: My relationship with my husband is deteriorating by the day  because of my weight which he makes clear to me. I have been for a very long time consoling myself with one excuse or the other. Now, I really want to do something about my weight. Honesty ,I love my marriage and I want to keep it. Kindly advise me. Thanks. Uju, Lekki,Lagos.

    The issue of weight can be very sensitive. Some people take it and do something about it. Others do not want it mention at all.  The fact that you are aware of it and you have made up your mind to do something about your weight is a good step. I must commend you on that. You are very lucky to   have a husband who is sincere about what he wants in his wife because some men will not discuss it. Instead, they will start acting in different ways. Others go as far as picking up quarrels, even when there is nothing to quarrel about. Don’t forget one man’s meat is another man’s poison. Some men like their wives big, while some like theirs slim.

    However, healthy living is the solution to the problem. Henceforth, your diet has to change not for a period of time, but for life. You need to see this process as a change of lifestyle. Healthy diet doesn’t seem to make as much impact on us as the habits we’ve grown up with. For example, how many of us ate yoghurt when we were children? Probably the only spaghetti most of us ate in the past tends to come out of a tin. A meal wasn’t a meal, if it didn’t have a piece of meat followed by chilled drinks. We have broadened our taste buds in the last few years. The next step should be to make further changes to our eating habit in order to change the proportions of different nutrients, giving us healthier balance. Healthy eating should not be difficult to achieve, especially as there are now varieties of nutritious meals to choose from. There are some helpful guidelines you can follow with confidence:

    Set realistic targets. Let your targets be what you can achieve at the end of the day. Remember you did not gain the weight in one day, so it’s going to take a while for you to shed off the weight.

    Major overhauls to your meals which involve drastic cutbacks or punishing regimes don’t work. You are more likely to stick to smaller, gradual changes.  Frankly, highly restricted diets which involve going without certain groups of foods can even be harmful, unless you do so under the supervision of a professional.

    Moreover, stick to two or three moderately sized meals each day, rather than semi-starving yourself for much of the day and having one mega-sized meal to compensate. This is because your digestive system works better on a regular supply of food.

    Snacking in between meals is fine, provided you do in a healthy way. For example, a piece of fruit or raw vegetable which provides proportionate vitamins, minerals and fibre will do.

    Furthermore, increase your intake of unrefined cereals (whole meal bread, pasta and rice).

    Don’t forget to reduce your intake of saturated fats (the fats mainly found in animal-origin products).

    Aim to eat five portions of fruit and vegetables each day.

    Your programme is incomplete, if you don’t add exercise to it. One of the best ways to keep healthy and keep your weight down is to get regular exercise. You need activity to make it work. Remember, you don’t have to do anything too difficult. A lot of things you do for fun are great exercise, like dancing, swimming or going for brisk walks.  Short periods of exercise several times a week will do you better than a fortnight’s inactivity punctuated by a single exhausting afternoon. Aim to get to the stage where you miss exercising, if you’re prevented from doing it for more than a few days. You can actually exercise on your own or register with a gym. If it helps, have a fix time and date mark in your diary. Good luck, as you turn to a healthy lifestyle for yourself and for your marriage.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and  motivational speaker. Send in your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com. You can also follow her on twitter@bineharrietj or txt messages only to 08023058805.