The Nation Newspaper

Tag: Relationship

  • 7 Secrets to make your relationship last

    Every long-term relationship has its bumps, and they can pop up at any time. Learn to navigate them smoothly — before they send your relationship into a ditch.

    No matter how long you’ve been together, there are some simple, fundamental rules of the road. Putting them into practice isn’t always easy, but it is critical. Make your relationship stronger, and the good stuff — fun, sex, trust, affection — will be better than ever.

    1. Be Vocal About Things You Like: Boredom, frustration and everyday irritations can douse the spark between you and your partner — and more of the same certainly won’t feed the flame. Making the good stuff your top priority will. Here’s how to do it: First, consider that it takes up to 20 positive statements to outweigh the harm done by one negative one. So compliment your girlfriend on her new shoes, or your boyfriend on his new blue shirt. Thank him for helping around the house. Dial her office for a quick “thinking of you” check-in. Be sure these compliments and thank-yous are heartfelt and specific, and make eye contact when you smile.

    Once you take this approach, you’ll realize that, in addition to knowing how to push your partner’s hot buttons, you know how to push his or her joy buttons too (and we don’t just mean sex). After all, that’s how this whole thing started. It won’t be long before you appreciate that it’s always the right time for small acts of love, like sharing a long kiss before you turn in each night.

    2. Touch Each Other: Human touch aids the release of feel-good endorphins, for giver and receiver. So hold hands when you’re walking,

    and brush her cheek when you smooch good morning. Revive the ways you touched in the early days — a kiss on the back of the ear, a hand through her hair. Adding more of this kind of touch will help you build a fortress of love. That’s important, because a couple who form a tight unit can weather any storm (and are better able to stave off infidelity).

    How do you build this bond? First, support your partner. Take his or her side whenever possible if trouble arises in the “outside world.”

    Keep their secrets to yourself, even when everyone at work spills theirs. Except in a true emergency, don’t let anything interrupt “us” time. That’s what voice mail and bedroom-door locks are for.

    Make a commitment to spend up to 30 minutes a day chatting with each other about everyday plans, goals and, yes, dreams. This is time to build a friendship. Studies show that being friends pays off over time, ensuring a closer, sexier union. And don’t forget to make time for intimacy, even if you must log it in your day planner.

    3. Stop Blaming Your Partner For Everything That’s Wrong: It’s tempting to blame your partner when you feel angry, disappointed, bored, betrayed or stressed out about your relationship. The next step is seeing your mate as the one who must change for the relationship to improve.

    That’s a cop-out. Trying to improve your partner puts him or her on the defensive and casts you in a negative light. The result? Nobody changes. Nobody takes responsibility. Everyone is unhappy. And making your partner the bad guy means ignoring the 90 percent of him or her that’s good.

    The true fix: Change yourself. When you address your own flaws and seek the best in your companion, magic happens. Optimism increases.

    Your partner feels better because he or she feels appreciated, not chastised. And you both feel motivated to change in ways that lead to even more joy.

    4. Improve Your Relationship by Relaxing: The classic advice experts give to singles seeking a perfect match: Be “the one” to attract “the one.” Same goes in a long-term relationship. The happier you feel, the happier your relationship will be, and the easier it will be to manage conflicts. If 15 minutes of morning yoga, a switch to decaf, or a new hobby help you relax, the good feelings can’t help but lead to happier, richer moments together.

    Meanwhile, admit it: You used to fuss over your hair and obsess over the sexiest item to wear to bed. Now, it’s stained sweats and a ratty

    old T-shirt. Time to spruce up your look. Comb that mane, brush those teeth and throw on a new robe. Feeling good about the way you look makes your eyes sparkle. You’re more likely to make eye contact. That sends a spark to your partner. You know what to do next!

    5. Fight Fair: Conflict is a normal, even healthy, part of any relationship. What’s important is how you handle it. In a Florida study of longtime couples, joint problem-solving ability was cited as a key factor for 70 percent of satisfied pairs. With the right tools and attitude, conflict becomes a gateway to deeper intimacy — the chance to be seen and loved for who you truly are, to accept your mate’s adorable, vulnerable real self, and to build a strong union without silently seething.

    First, steer clear of criticism, confrontation and hostility. They’re like gas on a fire. University of California researchers who followed 79 couples for more than a decade found that early divorcers fought long and loud and were always on the attack — or the defensive. Happy couples, on the other hand, avoid verbalizing critical thoughts, keep discussions from escalating, and don’t use absolutes like “never” and “always.”

    If a fight does start, try to change the subject, inject gentle humour, empathize or show your partner extra appreciation. Too late?

    Call a truce, walk away and cool off for a while.

    6. Pick the Right Time to Argue: Don’t start potentially tough talks if you’re not well rested and well fed. Hunger and fatigue can unleash nasty remarks and dark thoughts. Ban booze for the same reason. Save it for when you’ve achieved detente. That’s worth a toast.

    Don’t ever try to deal with serious marital issues if you’ve got one eye on something else. Turn off the TV, the phone, the laptop. If you’re distracted or going out the door, pick another time to talk.

    You can’t resolve conflicts on the fly.

    7. Learn to Listen: The single most powerful step you can take to keep a relationship solid? Speak less and listen more. Blame, insults,criticism and bullying predict a bad end, or at least a living hell.

    When talk turns combative, don’t interrupt, offer a solution or defend yourself too soon.

    When feelings are at issue, they need to be heard. So nod, rephrase or provide a soft “um-hum” to show you honour the emotions behind the words. Sometimes, all we really need to do to feel closer to someone is pay closer attention to what it is that they’re saying.

  • What a woman wants in a man

    What a woman wants in a man

    It is true that every woman has got expectations from her man. She desires her ideal man to possess some sterling qualities, behave in a very decent manner and have the financial wherewithal to take care of her. Hope Samson spoke with a cross section of women folk on this subject matter.

    Mrs. Charity Maduka has been married for 19 years. She is not interested in whether the man is tall or short, black or white, handsome or not, what matters to her is a man with genuine love, “I want love from my man because love covers multitude of sin. If love exists, he will easily forgive and not raise his hands to beat me or be aggressive,” she said.
    She added; “I also want a man that can endure, patient, gentle, easy going and caring. My man should be able to go the extra mile in helping out with the chores at home. He should be able to take me as his better half; he should be there for me always and help out with the house chores.”

    But Mrs. Becky Uwani, with 22 years marital experience said her ideal man must have some qualities that stand him out from others, “I want a man that is tall, dark in complexion and handsome. He should be a man that assists in house duties and allows me rest on his chest.”

    For Miss. Bisola Adelanwa, currently in a relationship, her ideal man can be of any complexion but she is quick to add that her man must be responsible in all ramifications, “I like a tall lanky, dark man. I think I can go with any complexion. I like a responsible man that has a good dress sense, not flashy but simple and casual.

    “I respect a man that is hard working and not dependent on his salary. He should have other means of generating income to sustain himself and family.
    “My man should be able to provide for me even without demanding for it. I get upset when a man makes me demand, he should be observant so as to know when I need things instead of expecting me to make demands all the times, “she said.
    Priscillia Joseph is not interested in height, complexion or a good-looking man. All she’s after is that the man must be educated and honest.
    He words: “Men nowadays are bloody liars and it is very hard to find an honest man. Since most men are not honest, every woman has now devised a way of getting money from her husband if she really wants with her woman power.”
    Margaret Okere, an undergraduate said she wants a God-fearing and caring man. She believes that that once the man is caring and showers her with loves she is fine. “A man can’t buy me with his money; he must not use his money to care for me. I feel he is trying to buy my love when he uses his money on me. Calling to ask how I feel and if I have eaten is enough for me to know that he cares for me. Even if he can’t call, a flash is enough for me to know that he thinks of me daily.”
    Marvis Ogbeni, currently in a relationship said her man must be God-fearing. “A God-fearing man will make sure his spouse is comfortable on every side and would not want to hurt her because of the love of God that dwells in him.
     “I am not moved by the outward appearance of a man, whether, tall or short, fair or black complexioned, rich or poor, ugly or handsome. I look for the inner qualities which makes a man responsible,” she said.
    She equally expects her man to have a listening ear and take her as a real woman, “A man that can protect me especially from a troublesome family or mother in-law, a man of understanding mostly when it comes to the areas where I am weak and willing to assist me, is my ideal man.”
    On her part, Helen Enebele said: “I just need a man with little money that will love me because there can’t be love without money. I want a man with money and love at the same time and I don’t think love can go without money.”
     
  • ‘I am single and searching’ – Linda Ikeji

    ‘I am single and searching’ – Linda Ikeji

    Popular blogger Linda Ikeji has declared that she is single and searching.

    She stated this on Teju Babyface Show aired Saturday on Television Continental Channel (TVC) in Lagos.

    She also  listed the qualities of the kind of man she hopes to marry.

    They include a man who has respect for women, willing to support her work and has a job.

    “He should have a job, not necessarily to support me financially,”said Ikeji who confirmed that she earns well from advertisments on her blog, lindaIkeji@blogspot.com.

    She spoke of her plans to continue blogging for sometime to come and veer into television production.

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Thoughts for the week :Compatibility Chart.

    -A score of 80 and above (Excellent)

    -A score of 60 to 80 (Good)

    -A score of 40 to 60 (Fair)

    -A score below 40 (Do not touch)

    1) Is he/she your friend? (10)

    2) Does your heart jump when you see/talk to or think about him/her? (5)

    3) Do you share the same feelings? (Spiritually, emotionally, and sexually) (10)

    4) Do you share the same religious beliefs? (10)

    5) Do you come from similar educational backgrounds? (5)

    6) Do you come from similar family backgrounds? (5)

    7) Does the person attract you physically? (5)

    8) Do you prefer his/her intellectual ability compared to the physical appearance? (10)

    9) Do I like him/her regardless of the physical or intellectual? (10)

    10) Do you like him/her because of intellectual and physical appearance? (5)

    11) In a conversation, do you share the same ideal, insight and beliefs? (10)

    12) Regardless of his/her past experiences/ social background, do you still see yourself having a future with him/her? (10)

    13) Do you see yourself with him/her in the next 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years at least.

    Question:

    Dear Princess, reading your column in the last few weeks has given me the courage to write my story and seek for your advice. When I was 16 year old, leaving with my grandmother, due to my promiscuity, I got pregnant, it was very difficult to know my baby’s father, I was sleeping with five different guys at the time. When I approached each of them that I was pregnant, they each laughed at me telling me they are aware of my other lovers, since I could not tell my grandmother that I was pregnant, I decided to keep hiding the pregnancy until am able to find a solution. One morning, my grandmother came by my bed while still asleep to ask if I was pregnant, I looked at her in disbelief, she kept staring straight into my eyes, almost daring me to deny it, at this point, I had tried everything possible with no luck, I said, yes am pregnant! Princess, I thought she was going to pass out; I quickly got out of bed and gently pulled her down to sit beside me. I started sobbing gently; I explained to her what I was able to tell her without disappointing her too much, most importantly that I do not know who my baby father was. My grandmother shook her head, reminding me that it was because of my waywardness that my mother had indirectly disown me. Ever since my parents brought to leave with my grandmother, my mother had not called or visited me. My father on the other hand, calls me regularly, whenever in Nigeria, he will come visit me and will sometimes take me out. My grandmother that day called my father to tell me what I had done. My father, been his only daughter stood by me and of course, my grandmother obviously disappointed not so much because I got pregnant, but for the fact that I could not produce the baby’s father, nevertheless, continued to care for me until I gave birth to my baby. After my baby was born, both my dad and grandmother stood firmly by me, my mother of course now more than before visibly disappointed at me as usual, did not call me. When my daughter was five year old and I turned twenty-one, my father still in England but separated from my mother requested that I come over there to leave with him, so that I can further my education, being a British citizen, the transition was very easy for me. I left my daughter with my grandmother with the hope that I will soon come back for her once am settled.

    On my twenty-sixth birthday, I met my future husband, we started as friends, eventually, our relationship got serious, eleven months into the friendship, we got married. During our courtship the issue of my daughter never came up, just like one of the ladies in your previous stories, I feltif I told him, it might put a strain on the relationship, so I decided to keep quiet. Princess, I was one of those lucky ladies, no stretch marks whatsoever on my stomach talk less of my body to indicate having had any child. My husband later found out that I have been communicating with a girl that lives with my grandmother, I lied to him that she is my half-sister, of course, he believed me. We moved back to Nigeria about two years ago, my dad and grandmother now are urging me to tell my husband the truth, they believe that one day, the bean will get spilled, and it will be very difficult to fix it then. My daughter is now fifteen years old, its ten years into my marriage, the saying, am catch a rock and a hard place! My husband and I have three beautiful children whom we love dearly, but I also love my first daughter just as much as I love her siblings, but because the way society views and treats an unwed mother, especially a sixteen year old, I felt at the time like an outcast, so it was difficult to tell my husband at the time. Princess, please advise me on how to tell my husband the truth without hurting my marriage. Amiola, Badagry.

    Answer:

    Dear Amiola, am sure you are a regular reader of “askprincess”, You know how I keep stressing the importance of my believe of the primary ingredients for both male and female in any relationship not to talk of marriage. It is like a foundation of a house, if not built on a solid rock, will eventually crumble. Relationships and marriage, both must be built on love, understanding and effective communication. There is a saying, “fire and gunpowder do not sleep together”, because if they do, explosion will eventually happen. The bonus ingredient is honesty,that is not just a bonus, it is a gift! When two people claim to love each other like you and your husband, then I really do not understand how people like you do it, keeping such a huge secret from the love of your life, honestly, it will be eating me alive to be carrying such a burden around. Have you ever hear of this saying, “the truth shall set you free”. Look at how many people you have hurt or still hurting as far as am concern from your youthful waywardness and act of selfishness and self-centeredness? You said your mother has indirectly disowned you, the one person that should have been advising you about life, the one person that should been a friend, a sister and of course a mother to you.Your grandmother, yes, she has no choice, if she’d sent you packing, what would have happened to you and the baby? You probably will not have the type of life you have right now. Your father on the other hands, like most fathers, they always have a soft spot for their daughters, especially the first daughter, and you being an only one. Now, your poor daughter, growing up without a mother and sadly without a father either.You have robbed her of a good foundation, you have robbed her of the kind of nurture that one can only get from a “mother”, you have robbed her of what you have , to be a “daddy’s girl”. If she is a girl that does not easy forgive, she might never forgive you for denying her a proper upbringing. Now, you not telling your husband the truth from the beginning had cost her any chance of coming to ever live with you and your family. I don’t know if your daughter had ever asked you who really her father is? You have not been able to produce father for her, but the modern technology now, using DNA, it will be easier to know who the father is, not robbing her the chance of not knowing a father, and getting robbed twice by not knowing her stepfather is very sad. Your husband is supposed to be your better half, the person whom you are supposed to share for better and for worst with, in sickness and in health. You know, it is so sad that a lot of men and women do not have the clue of the “bases” of what a good marriage entails. I am very sure your spouse will be hurt, probably disappointed that you do not trust him enough to share this secret with him. He might even go as far as to tell you that he can never trust you again, that if you cannot share your secret with him, then who do you share it with? Be prepared for his anger, find a good time to tell him the truth, and it shall set you free! I pray it will not rock your marriage too hard, if it does, be very patient and prayerful for God to give you the wisdom, knowledge and patience that will allow your husband to see the reason behind your thinking, whatever your husband throws at you, be ready for it, for the sake of your daughter and her siblings. You need to cross this bridge and start a fresh life in other to build a good and loving relationship with your daughter so that what happened between you and your mother will not repeat itself. I wish you the best.

    Thought of the week:

    When you have contentment, you have everything!

  • I’m 16, he’s 25, he says he wants marriage but my sister says he wants my innocence

    I’m 16, he’s 25, he says he wants marriage but my sister says he wants my innocence

    I am a girl of 16 with an O’level result and a JAMBbite! I have a boyfriend (platonic) whom I am planning a future with; he is 25 and also JAMBbite. He promised to marry me and went ahead to meet and declare his intentions to my family. My mum accepted but my elder sister who trained me right from when I was 6 and also the breadwinner (my father is late) refused with the excuse that he is broke and that I’m too young and that the boy may be after my innocence. Could it be true? I don’t believe her. The guy’s family knows me and they very much approve of me. Aunty please advise me on what to do. – Princess from Abuja.

    Princess, I was watching a program on telly a few weeks ago and the couple being interviewed said they met when the girl was 16 and guy was 17 and the guy told her immediately they met that he was going to marry her. She said she believed him and started looking forward to the time they would be married. When the interviewer asked the guy if he meant it when he said he was going to marry her, he said yes, he did, but there were other girls too he could have married, but it was his father who advised him to marry this particular one. They’ve been married now for close to 20 years and they are happy together. Yes, she was a virgin when they met (expectedly at 16) and he was her first man.

    When young girls hear stories with happy endings like this, they may start day dreaming and give it all to the guy in the hope that theirs too will end up that way. But, the truth is that while girls get wire for marriage at a young age, guys may want to leave it till they are financially and emotionally ready for the challenges of marriage. So at 16 when you’re already thinking of building a happy home with this young man, he might be thinking of making enough money to build a home.

    As it were, he’s still looking at getting a degree and he hasn’t even secured admission yet. So, give or take, he still has more than five to six years before marriage fits properly into his plans, except he’s from a comfortable family and they’re ready to support him if he gets married early  or he has a business by the side.

    He might have all the good intentions in the world, but do not trade your innocence for all the promises he has to offer until you’re ready. Your sister may be wrong, but she might not be too far from the truth. Even when men love women, there’s always that thin line between love and lust. Most men will want to prove their love through intimacy and that leads to sex. Be careful and stay focused on your education. That to me is what matters more than marriage talks for now.

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Thought for the week:

    Your 16 year old daughter wants to start clubbing with her older cousins, your husband does not see anything wrong with it. You on the other hand believes that she should not start clubbing until the age of 18. This causes tension between all three of you. What would you do?

    a) Since your husband is the head of the family, it is ok.

    b) Try to let your husband see your reasoning to let her be 18 years old before clubbing.

    c) Tell them you are the mother and you know better when it comes to raising a child.

    d) Stop talking to both of them.

    Question:

    Dear Princess, My name is Ekaette aged 48, a widower with 2 boys ages 21 and 22. My current boyfriend of 3 years, Fela, is divorced with 3 children, 2 girls and a boy, ages 19, 18, 16. My husband passed about 8 years ago, in a car accident. Since then I have been raising our two sons by myself. Luckily for me, my husband had built a 4-storey house of 4 flats, we live on the last floor and the other 3 are rented out. So with the rent I collect from the rental property and what I make as a bank officer, am able to send my sons to the University. Prior to meeting my current man friend, I have been in and out of relationships. The saddest thing about this is that until I lost my husband, and finding myself on the other side of the fence, I had not realized how difficult it is to find a “decent man”. A “decent man” in my opinion is not just about sleeping together, it goes way beyond that. To me, my husband was a decent man, he was able to make me feel like a woman all the time, and he knew what I needed when I needed it. Financially, we were never lacking, he did not for once make me feel or regret marrying him. He wore the crown as the head of the family with pride and dignity. So, when he died, it was very difficult for me to find a man that can fill half of his shoes. 90% of the men will promised heaven and earth, but as soon as they get what they want from me, I almost have to start chasing them like little children. The worst part is that at my age, it is very difficult or sometimes impossible to find a single or divorced man. Most of the guys that come my way are married men. Up until when I lost my husband, I will never dream of dating another woman’s husband, because I wouldn’t want another woman to do it to me, but unfortunately in the process of looking for a companion, I had no choice but to allow myself to date married men. Now, some of the disadvantages are that you cannot see him when you want to, when he sees you, you cannot go out with him openly for the fear that someone that knows him might see you guys together. Some are so afraid of their wives, that they can only see under extreme secrecy, there are some that can only call during office hours, no evening, no night s and definitely no weekends. Worst part, it is extremely difficult for most of them to assist you financially because they will tell you, they also have their own wife and children and other financial obligations to their families. All these put together, I promised myself to stop dating married men, that I will only date single or divorced men. Well Princess, I got lucky after 3 years of waiting, Fela came my way. At first, I resisted him, because I told myself he is just another man that will promise heaven and earth at the beginning then a couple of months later into the relationship will be when he realizes that he has other families and cannot give time, talkless of him assisting financially, but Fela proved to be different. Divorced for the last 5 years, his wife left with another man and left the care of their 3 children to him. He too had vowed to dedicate his life to his children. He started banking at my branch. Anytime he needed help, I would assist him although I was not his account manager. He seemed very comfortable coming to me anytime he needed assistance with his transactions. He had been coming for about 3 months and one day he asked if I was married, I said no, he said great, can I treat you to lunch. At first I wanted to say no, then I said to myself what do I have to lose, one lunch with him, should not be a problem. We went on the date, and when we started talking, I almost went past my lunch hour. He asked where I lived, I told him I lived in the next town, but I do not allow men to come to my house because I have 2 grown boys. He said that was not why he asked me where I lived. He wanted to invite me to a dinner date so that we can continue our conversation, and he was concerned about me getting home late. We arranged for a dinner date that weekend. We met at an agreed restaurant not too far from my house. We were so engrossed in conversation; we were there for a good 3 hours. Both of us could not believe that we had so much in common. Another date was arranged, long story short, we started seeing each other steadily. Fela was compassionate, giving, gentle, caring, name it. I could not believe my luck that a “decent” man still existed on this planet. It was obvious within 6 months of seeing each other we had both fallen in love. He told me he does not believe that a caring, motherly, sisterly woman still existed on earth until he met me. He started inviting me to his house. I met his 3 beautiful children, 2 girls and a boy. I felt as if they were mine; I would help the girls cook and store food in the freezer. I felt like the girls were the daughters I never had. The children received me with open arms. Three years into the love affair, with complete understanding of each other, we both knew it was obvious something good will end up coming out of this relationship. At home meanwhile, my eldest son stays on campus while the younger one refused to leave me alone. He said he will not be able to leave me alone if he does not know I’m alright at all times. I love both of my boys dearly, my son Kenneth, the oldest, had been talking about his girlfriend now for almost a year. He kept promising to bring her home to get to know me at the same time. His 23rd birthday was coming up, which falls on a Saturday. I told him to come home that weekend so that I could do something special for him, he agreed. I was in the kitchen cooking, and was just spooning the rest of the jolof rice that I had cooked into the cooler when Kenneth came in with a beautiful lady by his side. He greeted me, I responded, the girl beside him said “aunty”? I said, “Jumoke”? We both looked at each other with surprise, unaware, I dropped the spoon I was holding on the floor, it was the sound of the spoon hitting the floor that jolted me back to her hugging me and I hugged her back. I asked how she was doing, she said fine. I asked about her dad, she said that everybody is fine. Now, I looked at my son, I said “How did you find Jumoke?” He replied happily and said mom, this is the Jummy, my girlfriend, that I have been telling you about. I told you I am going to marry once we finish with our National Service. Luckily, there was a chair in the kitchen, I sat down. I thought, no, no, no. This cannot be true, after all these years of finding a true love, now this. I pulled myself together, called Jumoke aside not to tell Kenneth anything about my relationship with her dad until after Kenneth’s birthday get-together is over, to wait until Sunday for us to talk about it. On Sunday evening, I sat Kenneth and my other son Elliot down, Jumoke was watching. I told them that Jumoke’s dad and I have been dating steadily for the last 3 years or so. Kenneth got up so fast out of his chair, that it fell back. He said, “Mom you have been seeing a man, and you kept it a secret from us?” I looked at both of my sons and said “it’s not like I wanted to keep it a secret, there was just no right time to tell both of you, plus you Kenneth live on campus and Elliot is always in school anyways.” There is no excuse I’m sorry! Kenneth now sat down, he said “mom, “How would this affect the plan of Jummy and I getting married?” I smiled, I told him “nothing will affect your union” When they left, I called Fela and narrated everything to him. He took a deep breath and said we will discuss it when next we meet. The following week, I went over to his house, his conclusion was to wait and see since they have not decided to get married yet. Princess, my mind is not at rest. What should I do? Should I leave the man I love because of our children marrying each other? If I stay with this man regardless of the children would it be violating any moral or ethical ground for that matter, please advice me. Confused Ekaette, Akwa Ibom

    Answer:

    Dear Ekaette, It seems to me you are caught between the rock and a hard place. Your situation deserves a very thoughtful, careful and methodical response. You are 48 years old, according to Erikson’s theory of Psychological development, you are at stage 7 which is “Generatively VS Stagnation” that is between the ages of 40 to 65. This stage, if there is no interruption, meaning if you are happily married, everything in your life is the way it is supposed to be. Adults at this stage need to create or nurture things that will outlast them, often by having children or creating a positive change that benefits other people. Success at this stage leads to feeling of usefulness and accomplishment, while failure results in shallow involvement in the world. The problem now is that people at this stage are experiencing failures and difficulties in their relationship just as you have experienced by waiting for 3 years before meeting someone compatible, you end up reverting to the 6th stage which is “Intimacy VS Isolation” a lot of women, even men, in your age group that are having problems with their relationships storm this stage. Meanwhile people at this stage between the ages 19 to 40 years old group are still finding their love and relationship! People in your age group who are having difficulties in keeping a steady relationship now reverts back to over populate this stage which is what is making it difficult if not impossible to find a compatible partner. Now that you have gotten lucky and found someone compatible, as luck would have it, your children met outside on a neutral ground and decided they will marry each other. I want you to explore these two options. One, if you decide to leave Fela for your children to marry on moral grounds, I do not believe there are any ethical values that are being violated here. What are the chances of finding another companion at your age? Remember, you have dedicated all your live to raising your children, when both of them finish school, get jobs and get married. What will happen to you without a steady and loving person in your life? Secondly what are the chances that after your children are married; their marriage will last, with the divorce rate out there. Of course, we all pray and hope this never happen to any of our children, but Ekeatte, am been realistic now! If the marriage does not last and you have separated from your companion thinking it is the best for the children, the emptiness you will experience when everyone is gone might end up letting you to blame or worst hate your son, Kenneth. Think about it very well. Sit down with Fela, look at all the pros and cons and make sure you come out with a decision that will benefit all of you and your children at this stage. The other is if you decide to keep your relationship with Fela, to make sure you do not bring any child to this world together. Yes, that by itself is a sacrifice. The wisdom to make the right decision will be giving to both of you. I wish you all the best.

    Thought of the week:

    “Don’t listen to what people say, watch what they do.”

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK:

    Your step brother came home with his new girl friend, she happened to be an ex girl friend of a friend, you knew her to be very “loose” with men, the reason your friend broke up with her. What would you do?

    Question:

    Dear Princess, I am a 35 year old Chemical Engineer, mother of 3 beautiful daughters who are 6, 4, and 2 years old. I have been married to the love of my life for the last 9 years. We met during my last year at the University, and served together at Enugu. A year after we finished our youth service, we got engaged and got married 6 months later. Princess, prior to all this, during my University years I was a party animal. We partied as if there was no tomorrow, my friends and I then dated the richest of the richest. Almost if not all of these guys were much older than us. Back then we called them “honey daddies” simply because they spoiled us rotten. It was during this time I met my “honey daddy” who is now my father-in-law. I dated him in my 2nd and 3rd year with two other men simultaneously He was the one that bought me a brand new Jeep; the other rented and paid for my flat, while the third was responsible for all of my upkeeps. Going back and forth between the three of them, I was never short of cash to buy the best of the best. I travelled to England at least once every other month, America every 6 months; I lived the good life. I dated my father-in-law to be for good 2 years. I met my husband through a mutual friend; we fell in love almost instantly. I knew then I had to stop the kind of life I was living if I’m going to have any future with this guy. At the time, I had everything a young lady could dream of and I was living large. For what I was feeling for Emeka, I took a calculated risk and decided to let go off my “honey daddies” one after the other without any suspicion from any of them whatsoever, it was my last year in college anyways. Emeka and I dated steadily for 3 months, he decided that it was time for me to meet his dad, his mother was late. His dad has businesses in 5 different states in Nigeria, which includes Lagos and Enugu. When Emeka took me home to meet his dad and one of my previous “honey daddies” came out I literally turned white, he on the other hand was very calm and collected. He greeted me as if we were just meeting for the first time; he drew me closer to him and gave me a hard pressed hug. I was shaking, my hands were wet, I could feel perspiration dropping down between my legs, he whispered in my ears saying calm down! All the thoughts that were rising through my head during the split second of being held by my father-in-law-to-be were too much. When he released me, Emeka, looking at me, concerned, came closer to me and asked if I was alright. I told him I think am coming down with malaria or something. He sat me down, at this time, I was able to recollect myself and my thoughts. My father-in-law was all smiles, the introduction went around. We stayed there for another hour or so before going home. Mind you that I have been using the same number for the last 5 years. Two hours after I got home my phone rang, it was him, my father-in-law to be. I greeted him and asked how I can help him. He said we need to see and talk as soon as possible, I agreed. We made an arrangement to meet at an old restaurant that we used to go to during my college years, the next day. I got to the restaurant about 10 minutes before him so I was able to think, calm myself, and ready to fight for my love and relationship with Emeka. He came in, sat across from me, we greeted one another, he offered to buy me a drink, I refused, eager to get this fear out of the way. He started by telling me how much he loved me, that what he had with me was magical. He said he loved me for my intelligence, obviously, I am a nice shaped lady, not too big in the bust area, not too small either, and I wear a size 8 dress. He continued to tell me that all the time we were dating; he always wished that he had met me someone like me during his youth; he loved my honesty, intelligence, and demeanor. To cut the long story short, he knew I would be a “perfect wife” for someone one day. Now the one day has come, fortunately and unfortunately his son was the lucky man. He said he wouldn’t want anything less for his son. Knowing the type of girl I am, aside from my waywardness during my college years. He is willing to keep our past a secret. He wants me to feel free and not think anything negative or fear that his son will ever find out about us. I thanked him, and we both went our separate ways. My husband and I got engaged, it was because of this I made sure it was a long engagement, just in case the cat got let out of the bag, but thankfully nothing happened. We went ahead with the wedding. My father-in-law spent money like there was no tomorrow, he wouldn’t allow my parents to do anything, I just kept thanking my star and my God, what else can a girl ask for. One year went by happily married, our first daughter Rachael arrived joyously. Our third year we had another daughter named Vivian. Our third daughter, Ngozi came two days after Vivian.s second birthday. Princess, I was also blessed with the way I look, after bearing the three babies; I went from a size 8 to a size 10 barely. One afternoon my husband got a phone call from his father, after talking for about 2 minutes my husband said “Ok, I will send her.” I looked at him trying to figure out what he meant by that. He said sweetheart that was dad, he will like to see you, and he said there is something he will like to discuss with you. Hearing this, my heart stopped a bit, I said ok, really, fine, when does he want to see me? He answered, that his father said that I should come to his office tomorrow at 2 p.m. I agreed. Princess, that night if it was possible to develop high blood pressure overnight, I would have. I counted the hours, minutes, and seconds until 2p.m. when I arrived at his office he welcomed me in enthusiastically as usual. He offered me a seat, and I sat down of course. Within 5 minutes of sitting down, my life turned upside down. My father-in-law, the father to my husband, and my children’s grandfather said that he would like for us to continue where we left off. He said he wants me to listen to him very carefully. His wife, Emeka’s mom, died more than 20 years ago of breast cancer. He promised himself that he will not remarry, that he would dedicate his life to raising his 4 children, Emeka being the eldest. He said he dated several women prior to meeting me and after I broke up with him that up to this moment after Emeka’s mom, I am the only person he loved and still loves, he can’t even think about any other woman ever since I came back into his life. All the time while he was talking, I sat down dumbfounded, my mind went blank. After he said all he had to say, I just kept shaking my head. I told him he is asking for the impossible, morally, ethically, emotionally, I can go on, it is impossible. He tried to convince me that we will be meeting at a secret place where no one knows us, I refused. Princess this has been going on for about 3 months now, he is not relenting, he gives the children a monthly allowance, he insisted that I should come every month to collect the money, I always take one of the kids with me anytime I go to him. He will greet my daughter, play with her a bit, and then tell my daughter to go and wait by the reception area that he has something he wants to discuss with her mommy. The last time I was there, he tried to kiss me, he was able to pin me to the wall, after much resistance, trying not to create a scene because of my daughter, he let go of me. Princess, HELP ME! I love my husband; I do not want my marriage to be destroyed by this man. Should I continue with this or should I bravely tell my husband the truth? Felicity, Enugu

    Answer: Dear Felicity, There is a saying in the Yoruba land that goes, “it farts in your mouth and puts salt at the same time” There is no doubt you cannot and must not revive the affair with your father-in-law. In my opinion, you should have never married your husband, because you should had connected him, through his last name, with his father right from the get go but you intentionally kept him in the dark. You seem to me a selfish, gold-digging manipulator. While what you did with all those old men is condemnable, one should not judge you and condemn you to a lifetime of infamy. I personally believe your father-in-law also knew what he was getting you into from day one. Everything he did was well planned and calculated. He was thinking about himself and himself alone from day one. You on the other hand allowed yourself to get caught in a trap. Felicity, I cannot stress this enough in the advice I give to always open a very effective line of communication, love, and understanding relationship with your husband, these being the foundation for a successful marriage. Trust in any relationship is very essential. Yes, in some situations in a relationship you might decide not to voluntarily give information of a previous lifestyle if you feel he/she is no relative to the person you are involved with. If you have not told your husband who you have dated previously there is no moral or ethical value that compels you to divulge that information to your partner, if it comes up it can easily be explained, but a blood relative, worst yet a father-in-law, my goodness. I don’t know how your husband will feel once he finds out. The saddest thing is that your affair with his father was not just a fling; you were in a relationship for solid two years. Some relationships that produce babies do not even last that long, all being said, your husband might be an exception to most men, in the sense that he might forgive you once you come out and explain to him that it was because of the love you have for him, that was the reason for you not coming clean from day one. I can assure you this might cause a break in the father and son relationship that no one will be able to mend in the sense that you and your father-in-law are probably the most trusted people your husband has in his life. To even think that his father is now coming back to revive his affair with his wife! Pray, ask for guidance from above, be ready for the consequence that will come out of this. Yes, you have to tell your husband, it is the only way for you to have peace of mind. I hope and hope the impact will not be too damaging to your marriage. I wish you all the best and good luck.

    THOUGHT OF THE WEEK:

    Anyone can come into your life and say how much they love you. It takes someone real special to stay!

     

    Send your comments to:

    askprincess10@gmail.com

    SMS to: 08155558770

  • Right now, I don’t have time for relationships

    Right now, I don’t have time for relationships

    HOW come you are referred to as the baby on camp?

    I am a very emotional person and I think most of the contestants always term me as their baby, not literarily their baby but they understood the fact that I always needed comfort and all of that. They are always there for me.

    What are your emotions all about? Did you have some emotional challenges such that you get moved easily?

    I can’t say I had emotional challenges per se. Growing up was very good for me, my parents are wonderful people. At some point, everyone goes through a certain phase in life where things are not so smooth. We had our own fair share of that and I am glad we could go through it together as a family. Here I am today, I am very happy. Basically, I get hurt easily so I am learning to build my emotions and really work on myself so people don’t see me as a weak person. People don’t take advantage of me.

    Where exactly are you from?

    I am an indigene of Imo State, Owerri. I am from Owerri North.

    Did everybody represent their state in the contest?

    Not everybody represented their State. I know there were about three other girls from Imo State apart from myself. It wasn’t really about where you are from.

    How did you get to represent your state? Did you get to ballot for it?

    When we got to the auditions, they gave each state their order alphabetically and I was the letter I which worked for me because Imo is my State.

    How did it feel at that moment when your name was not announced as one of the top 15?

    To be honest, I felt bad but I still believe it was for the best. I believed that was how it was supposed to be and if it is not supposed to be, I believe something could still have happened but it was very shocking. At the end when I was called in the top 15, I was very glad. I was so happy. I couldn’t even shout.

    When you were close to winning and eventually did not win, how did you feel?

    I wouldn’t say I was disappointed. Being 1st runner up and going to represent your country in the Miss Universe pageant is also a very great title and I am happy that was given to me.

    Tell me about school.

    School is fine. I am a 200L student of the University of Lagos currently studying Biology Education. It is not actually my dream course but I am fine, I have friends there. I have great people. School for me has been very good.

    The winner has said she will stop school and after one year, continue. Do you plan to also defer or you want to stop and go start somewhere else?

    The honest truth is, I am already in 200L and the course is a four year course. It is going to be very difficult because I have a lot of training and I might not have time for and whatever is worth doing is worth doing well. So I do not want to be having flaws in my being Miss Universe and also having in my education. I know one has to step down for the other but as much as possible for now, I would try to manage it.

    What was growing up like?

    Growing up for me was a lot of fun. I come from a family of five, excluding my dad and my mum. I have only one sister and three brothers, one older and two young younger brothers. I actually wished for an elder sister because I planned on stealing her dresses and things like that but my brother is wonderful. He is always there. There is never a dull moment with him because I love playing and my siblings are like that. Growing up was really good. My dad took care of us, my mum was always supporting. It was a very good experience for me.

    For how long have you been nursing the dream of being a beauty queen?

    I actually started with modeling and I started at 14 but I had it going on really well because I was skinny and I am tall. I was almost 5ft11 at that age. It really pushed me then. I started adding weight. I had always loved pageants. I love the dresses, I loved what they do but I won’t say that was the first place my mind went to. I have always loved modeling but most times, I go to places and people ask me to contest for a pageant. Even one of the guards at a bank told me about MBGN and they just kept cheering me on. So I told my mum about it and she said I should give it a try, but I was 17 so I couldn’t go. I went this year when I was 18 and I am glad I made it to camp. I turned 19 before the competition.

    Have you had any embarrassing moment on the streets?

    Going out has been limited for a while right now because we have a lot of people seeking our attention. As for embarrassing moments, I haven’t really had one.

    What projects are you planning to embark on to help humanity?

    Projects are lovely. It is something I plan to do during and even after my reign. I would love to help children. I have a passion for them. I once ran into boys at the bar beach who don’t have food to eat. They don’t even have a home. I realise that from such avenues, these children fall into the wrong hands and turn out to be very wrong things later in life. People end up blaming the whole world. Education is very important but at the same time, if they had some form of training, that could keep them going. The more they are off the streets, the better our community would be. I would work basically on children.

    What were your parents’ dispositions about you contesting in a beauty pageant?

    To be honest with you, it was my mum who made me get the form. I kept procrastinating and she kept pushing me. She gave the money to get the form, encouraged me and kept praying. My dad was skeptical. Being a man, he didn’t like the idea. He had heard a lot about pageants but I tried to convince him. I told him I will make all of them proud and I will make God proud. Now, he is happy he allowed me go. My mum is very proud. I really thank her for her support.

    Did you experience anything on camp to justify some of those skeptism?

    If I were to write a book on pageantries based on MBGN, it would be different from what the crowd has said. There was nothing like that in camp. Camp was too serious for us to have such time for anything like that. We woke up very early in the morning and slept late at night because we had to rehearse so people can enjoy the show. Nobody had time to do all what they have been saying. For me, camp was a different ball game. We had fun.

    Apart from your dad, did anyone else raise an eyebrow?

    I can’t remember anybody else.

    Not even your boyfriend?

    Right now, we are very young. I’m 19 and we have a lot to do with our lives and now we have great titles and a lot of people are looking up to us to bring back the crown and make this country proud because indeed we deserve it. So we need time to focus, we need to do a lot of things. Right now, I don’t think there is time for any of that. We have a lot to work to do.

    So are you going to ask him to wait for one year after which you will have time for him?

    Who?

    Your boyfriend

    I don’t have that

    Is it part of the training on camp that you must denounce your relationship?

    Well, I don’t know about denouncing or anything but you have to know what you are in for. You don’t know where you are going to. I don’t think it is a form of training.

    Do you agree with me that it is strange for a girl of your age to say she has not had any association with a boy?

    Girls of my age usually are focused and do not have anything to do with boys. Now that I know my hands are full, I have a lot going on.

    Not even advances from your lecturers in school?

    Dating somebody and having advances are two different things. Every girl has advances so long as they look good and are approachable. I go to school and I practically do not wear makeup. People tend to notice me because of my height. I have never had experiences from lecturers. Most times I just stay because I don’t want issues. Some girls would say they have and say a lot of things but to me, that has never been an experience. As for advances, you get them from everyone.

    Who are you influences?

    My influence first of all is Florence Nightingale. She introduced modern day nursing. She is also known as the lady with the lamp. She is a dedicated woman. That is what I see her as. She is known as the lady with the lamp because she was known for coming out at night. She was a great woman in the history of the world with that kind of dedication. She is courageous. I really look up to her because I believe that is the way I want to be. I want to be dedicated; I want people to know me as one who can help others.

    What are the injuries that you have discovered in Nigeria and Africa that you think you can come in to heal?

    A lot of times, a lot of young women go into things and get pregnant. I have seen women and children die. These are everywhere. They are very hurtful. Some of them end up dumping children in dustbins or gutters. There are very tragic, horrible stories that people get to hear. I would like to curb a lot of that. I would also help children and make them understand that these children are responsibilities and if not properly taken care of, they can turn into anything. I would like to work on that.

    What are the other talents you have discovered about yourself?

    I can dance. I used to be a dancer in secondary school. I also can act. I sing in my own bathroom.

    You never thought of sports like basketball?

    I did actually play basket ball in school and I sprained my ankle a lot. I also ran. People always expected me to be the fastest runner because of my long legs but running for me was just. I am either second or third but never first. I love volley ball but I guess as a beauty queen, we are not to be seen like that.

    If you have to go on holiday, where in the world would that be?

    The truth is there are actually a lot of places I would love to go. I would love to go to Rome. It is a city that is well known. I would like to learn a lot of history there and see a lot of things I have learnt in many movies. I would like to see them myself and have the experience. I would also like to go to Hawaii because of the beach, the water. I would like to visit America; I would like to visit Rome. I would also like to visit some African countries, places like Egypt despite the crisis. It is known for many things. I would like to go to Ethiopia. Africa has a lot of beautiful places but they are not known. Kenya is also a beautiful place with lots of tourism potential.

    Who are your favourite Nigerian musician and actor?

    I like music, I like MI. I am also a fan of Waje. She has a wonderful voice. I like Eva and her style of rap. I also love Tiwa Savage. As for actor and actresses, I love Genevieve Nnaji. Jim Iyke is a good actor. I also like Ramsey Nouah.

  • Is it possible to fall in love with someone you have never met?

    Laura: Good morning ma. I have a problem with my relationship.

    Adeola Agoro II:  Go on, let’s share it.

    Laura: There is a guy whom I love so much. He is in Sweden and we have dated for six months. I havn’t seen him before but he has seen me when I was small before he travelled.

    Adeola Agoro II: Yes… I’ reading, go on.

    Laura: I got to know him through my sister and we dated for six months

    Adeola Agoro II:  What is the problem with the relationship?

    Laura:  He asked me to go to his family for them to know me, which I did. He broke up with me for no good reason. He blocked me on FB and stopped my number from calling him.

    His family loves me so much they have talked to him but he gave them a deaf ear.

    The cause of the problem is we were chatting one day when he told me that he wanted us to be chatting once a month. I asked him why and he told me that’s the way he wants it.  But he used his brother’s name to chat with me on FB.

    I told him while I was chatting with him online that he said we should chat once a month and he was using his brother’s name to chat with.

    Adeola Agoro II: You want to hear the truth?

    Laura: Yes ma

    Adeola Agoro II: It is certain he could be married and doesn’t want this online relationship to spoil what he has. Why on earth would he be hiding you or hiding to chat with you under another name if not that he is trying to protect a more serious relationship?

    Laura: That’s true.

    He told me he has a son with a white woman but they are not married and they don’t live together.

    Adeola Agoro II:  You’re a very fine girl, so I will advise you not to waste your time chasing shadows. Most of these people abroad may not have valid residence papers except they marry citizens. At this point in his life, he is most likely to be trying to face the most important thing he’s abroad for – making a living. You may mean a lot to him emotionally, but he has to use his head in order to stay aboard poverty in a foreign land.

    Laura: I’m madly in love with him ma, I don’t know what to do. There was a time he told me that he would like his parents to go and pay my dowry, I said no, that I haven’t seen him, that we should wait till he comes back.

    Adeola Agoro II:  So many of our men abroad would really love to marry our girls, but I just explained to you the difficulties some of them experience to you. His intentions may be noble, but when reality comes knocking, they must follow it. On your part, yes, it is normal to fall in love with that man who professes love. For a young girl like you, it is even sweeter that he’s abroad and you may be thinking about the opportunities before you should he invite you to join him, but you have to face the reality on ground – he has constraints that may mar his chances abroad if he gives in to passion instead of proper reasoning and financial reality.

    Laura: Ok i just have to move on with my life.

    Adeola Agoro II: I guess so. Read me in The Nation this coming Saturday and get more hints for your concern. Please read some feedback below:

    1.      Yes it’s extremely possible to love someone you have never met. My boyfriend and I met online, and we did not meet for 5 months. I was totally in love with him long before we ever met. Now we have lived together over 3 years and we are extremely happy together. The heart knows no boundaries, no state lines, and no distance. You can love across the street or across the country it doesn’t make a difference. What you need to do is tell this person how you feel about them, so that they know how you feel, and find out if they feel the same way about you.

    2.      Don’t expect it to be easy though, relationships are harder than anything you see in the movies and long distance relationships are harder still. Your Mr. Right may not even be the one in Sweden, he could be living on the other side of town right now. But yes, it does happen, and it is entirely possible that it could happen to you.

    3.      Maybe one of you doesn’t want to feed the relationship with just skype and emails for years until maybe you can move. I’d say the chances are higher if you’re living in the same country with hi long term.

    4.      After you weigh up the logistics the expense and the sheer hassle you’ll soon find the notion of romance wears off. Ok…you fantasize about meeting and falling in love with someone from another country but why does he have to be Irish? It shouldn’t matter to you where the person is from and long distance relationships are hard and frustrating (especially when neither of you can move to live together).

    5.      Men in Sweden men are no better than men living in Nigerian. A lot of those abroad are disrespectful, sleazey, fat and ugly and very broke. Honestly I wouldn’t advise you to waste your life and time on him. Trust me.

     

  • Yemi Sax talks relationship

    Yemi Sax talks relationship

    EARLIER in the year, popular saxophonist Yemi Sax proposed to his fiancée, Shola Durojaiye, and picked August for his white wedding. The dread-wearing musician is yet to disclose the exact date but not so many people are in the know that Yemi and Shola didn’t date for more than eight months before he proposed. Yemi disclosed recently that he was into a relationship that lasted nine years and suffered serious heartbreak when the lady in question left him.

    “I haven’t known her for more than one year and it is not about how long you have known someone but how well you get along. It will actually be one year in August we started dating and we have concluded on tying the knot in August. When I met her I knew she was the one for me and here we are today.”

    In his words; “I met my fiancee after my nine-year relationship crashed. I had thought I was going to marry her, but it didn’t happen that way. I have been through a lot when it comes to the story of a man and a woman. I was madly in love with her and because of her I had issues with my former management company. They saw what I couldn’t see and whenever they tried to talk me out of things I was doing for her, I would end up arguing and fighting them. I was the one that actually sent her to school. Even though I was making so much money she was my responsibility and I did all I could to make her happy. She is not from a rich home and I was there for her as a brother, father, lover and all. People started telling me different things but I didn’t believe it until I found out myself. All that is part of my past because Sola came into my life almost immediately I broke up with her and I have been a happy man since then,” he concluded.