The Nation Newspaper

Tag: Relationship

  • You can’t give what you do not have

    What do you desire in the relationship that you are dying for? If your desire is to give as much as you hope to get, then you must be truly involved. Conversely, if all you do is to associate love with pain, then no matter how hard you try, safety will trump any potential for a real romance. Reason: Your unconscious deems love as dangerous territory. So whether you look it or not, the unconscious mind would always move you from pain to pleasure.

    These protective mechanisms of the ego are not bad. Having a strong ego served you when you were younger and was important for your survival and strong state of mind. Now that you are older, understanding the ego’s defences can help you bring them to light so you can transcend the ego and move toward a higher desire based on love instead of fear.

    For many, love is for dreamers. It is as elusive as the day and each time they think that you have finally found what you want, it turns out to be just a dream. So what is the point falling in love? you ask. Who needs a heart when it can be broken to pieces like the chinaware? How do you continue to fool around with something or someone that you are uncertain about?

    Perhaps the best attitude would have been to cast away this spell called ‘love’ and have it quarantined for sanity to reign. But the truth of the matter is that love is the most profound emotion known to human beings. Like a shadow, it trails you about and the more you want to flee from all its trappings, you just realise that you just cannot help yourself.

    For most people, romantic relationships are the most meaningful element in their lives. However, the crux of the matter is that the ability to have a healthy, loving relationship is not automatic. Even when you work so hard at it and expect it to be a happy ending like you read about in story books, things still do not fall in place.

    Almost all of us have experienced a failed relationship at one point or the other. It sinks the heart and you just wonder if love was not meant to be that way. Like a business that you laboured for, worked consciously to master the skills necessary to make it flourish, things may go still go down the emotional drain.

    Of course, it is only the outstanding pair that doesn’t run into a few bumps on the road. You are therefore better off, when you recognise ahead of time, what those relationship problems might be. Even though every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage the bumps and keep their love life going no matter the odds. They hang in there, tackle problems, and learn how to work through the complex issues of everyday life.

    The truth of the matter is that you cannot give what you do not have. This is why relationships that are unplanned most often fail. Even though every relationship has its peculiar strengths and weaknesses, it is better to plan and invest in your emotional future. The next question would be how to make core love investments. Are you sure that your investments would be appreciated as well as reap emotional dividends at the right time?

    Here, we must think of the type of emotional investment that we need to make, responsible investment as well as the costly mistakes that emotional investors make before forging ahead. Next, you need to define and understand the kind of investments you need to make as well as how to go about doing it in the right way.

    The love arena comes with a lot of complications and what you think is important may not necessarily be cool for the other party. In economics, investment is the accumulation of newly produced physical entities, such as factories, machinery, houses, and goods inventories.

    Investing in your emotions as well as in the emotions of the one you love is not a short-time strategy. It is about making a success about the relationship in the long run, and you must have the goal of wanting it to work out. It is only when you are sincere with the heart that you treasure, that you would be ready to make core love investment.

    To have your emotions given, or “invested,” towards someone or something sounds like a great idea but it requires a lot of hard work, dedication as well as perseverance. It requires focusing your emotions on to something or someone that you care a lot about.

    No matter how hard we try we are still likely to run into emotional and economic depression. They are phases that we pass through in our finances and our emotions. The phase should not be a hindrance, setback or stumbling block. The most important thing is to understand the tools to make use of as you pass through the phase. On the other hand, the assets and investments that you have stored up over time would definitely help you to pass through the rainy day without tears.

    Experts would readily tell you that it is only the rare couple that doesn’t run into a few potholes as the journey through and from the emotional in the road. Some even run into emotional gutters, somersault on the emotional flyovers many times and still survive because they have saved lots of emotions which they use to replenish each time they are in emotional distress.

  • Winning a heart in distress

    When you are in a relationship that you cherish, the most important thing on your mind is for it to endure for so long. As soon as you see any sign that the emotional flight is nose diving and the one you love wants the love boat to capsize, you need to do something fast. For many, when there is a strain, they try to be sweeter and more affectionate, hoping that the other person would reciprocate their emotional gestures.

    Some actually spent countless hours trying to talk about what they were both feeling and “work” on things. But that only pushed those they adore further away. No matter how much reasoning or understanding you did, when it came to the lovebirds, they just won’t understand how you feel.

    The crux of the matter is that if you’ve been close to someone for a while and had started sharing an amazing level of love and connection, then it may not really be a serious threat.

    On his or her part, there must be something they do not like about you or are confused about. So it is only logical to give such a person time and understand what they are passing through. If you are patient, you are likely to discover that deep down the person still has some space in the heart that still wants to connect with you and share what you used to share.

    This is the kind of scenario that thirty-two-year-old Akindele and his fiancée, Adebimpe, were ensconced in. They are back together but it was a very difficult courtship. Interestingly, things actually fell apart just before they tied the knot. Adebimpe was the precious bride that he had always adored. She had the right looks, a good family background and a fantastic job. But there was a snag.

    “She was a very arrogant and difficult person to deal with. She was always so aggressive each time we discussed something she did not like. Usually, I expect her to shift from her stand but over time I came to realise that the one that I had fallen helplessly in love with is very rigid. I ran to her best friend thinking that she could help talk to her but she also confirmed that her friend sticks passionately to her views and that I needed to take things easy with her.”

    Akindele has fallen in love and he just cannot shift his affections elsewhere. Certainly, this is a hard emotional nut to crack. Many in his shoes would have taken a walk away from a slippery emotional corridor without stress. So what is really wrong with this babe? you wonder. The Romeo went into the archives to do some research and in the process, he found out that her heart had been in the panel beater’s workshop a couple of times and she was not ready to go through another emotional bullshit.

    “When I realised that she had been hardened by the relationships that she had in the past, I thought that if I did my best, then I would be able to win her over gradually.”

    So, he put on his thinking and emotional caps and tried to ‘recycle’ this emotional waste. Transforming or winning a heart in distress is not a very easy assignment, but he was determined to get a positive result.

    “At a point, she changed and things began to fall into place. I was really happy because it was like a dream come true and I decided to propose to her three weeks after my conviction. I also told my friend about my decision and he was very happy for me.”

    Could this be a dream come true? Not exactly! “We met in a restaurant on my birthday and it was meant to be a memorable experience. It started on a bright note and everything went well until I proposed. As soon as I told her my intention, her mood changed and I tried to calm her down and we departed.”

    Perhaps, what she needed was time to gain composure, and so he took it as one of those things. “I called her a few hours later but she refused to pick my call. I tried again and again but she got very cold. Things changed once more and it was obvious that we were back to square one.”

    So what did he do? “I was so confused that I just did not do anything. To my surprise, she became very angry with me and I just couldn’t understand why she was doing all that to me. Initially, I ignored the actions, thinking that she would soon realise her mistakes, but to my utmost surprise she was the one who was always getting angry with my actions or inactions.

    “Now, I am at a crossroads. Should I make a u-turn or persevere to see if there is going to be light at the end of our emotional tunnel?”

  • Coping with long distance relationship

    Coping with long distance relationship

    “Distance means nothing when someone means everything” – Johnny M.

    Let’s get it out. Long distance relationships are tough! It’s difficult enough dealing with regular relationship issues. Adding distance to it seems to add more pressure to the relationship and if not managed properly may not work out eventually even though the couples in question are compatible.

    Missing our partners greatly is what makes long distance relationships tough but here are a few ways to make time pass better:

    1. Communication: This tops the list because it is the binding agent that every long distance relationship needs to survive. It cannot be overemphasized. Whether it’s making daily calls if your budget can handle it or sending photos to each other on a daily basis. Constant communication helps to build trust.

    2.         Videos: You may record short videos of yourself of an event you attended. This keeps your partner informed about what you do every day.

    3.         Blog: If the idea isn’t too cheesy for you, you can create a private blog that only you and your partner can view. The best part of this is it is free and easy. Just post messages, videos, inspirational quotes etc. Your lover would be excited to view the blog and find a new post from you.

    4.         Gifts: Thanks to free shipping from many online stores all over the world, Distance is no excuse to send gifts to your partner. It’s important not to make your partner feel like he/she is missing out because of distance. Gifts are a physical reminder of what you mean to each other. It’s like having an inanimate representation of your love.

    5.         Video calls: With the invention of Skype, many long distance couples have been able to bond better. Get creative. Watch a movie together, have dinner or play board games together. If you’re in a Long distance relationship, Skype should be your best friend.

    6.         Regular Visits: No matter the activities that you both have apart, it’s important to save up for visits at least once in a year. Nothing says I love you like a live sized breathing being at your door with roses in one hand.

     

     

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Does it read meters?

    Well, it depends on who you ask. Sitting amongst my elderly male friends, they started gisting about some famous ladies back in the sixties, one of them said, do you notice how so and so wears “pancake” on her face now, with it, she looks like dracular. Another one said, my God, I saw her at a party, she left a hug stain on my white lace, I had to explain to my wife when I got home about how the stain got there. For about two solid hours they kept talking about different beautiful women back in the sixties, how some of them with pretty soft skin are all wrinkled now and their beauty gone, back then, they were “hot cakes”! Every men and any man wanted to sleep with them, the majority with wealth and money did. They talked about how the ladies used to be so pretty that everything in pants was chasing after them, unfortunately, some of them did not know how to say NO! At that time too, money had value and men knows how to spend on their women then. Now going back to my question, “does it read meter”? I will say YES! Both on men and women,especially the women. There was a case of an elderly lady, by the time she got to be in her earlier fifties, she had to wear “depends” a form of pamper for the elderly, back then she too was considered very “hot”, especially with her “DD” breast size. When I look and think about the young girls doing what you call “runs” nowadays, I feel sorry for them, because eventually the way they allow their bodies to be abuse by men will catch up with them sooner than later. Just like my elderly friends that were gossiping about their elderly pretty friends that have to now use “pancake” and other makeups to cover up their wrinkled faces, so will men joke and talk about the girls that believes they are young and abuse their bodies anyhow. Unfortunately for the elderly women, no one is running after them now, unlike their male counterparts, these are the (kinky daddies) of the twentieth century even in their seventies now, they are still dating and sleeping with young girls in their late teens and very earlier twenties. So, tell me, with this game we play with our bodies, who is at the disadvantage, men or women?WHOSE METER RUNS UP THE FASTEST, MEN OR WOMEN?

    Question: I am a 35 year old man, an accountant never been married. I have acquired everything a man should have before getting married. I have a house, 2 cars, and job security. How do I know a good wife material that will compliment me and add values to our lives?

    Answer: Studies show that men and women who put themselves at risk to help someone else they do not even know are better loves in and out of the bedroom. Unfortunately, unless something so obvious happens like someone refusing to share this dinner or her popcorn at the movies, or if you’re really good at noticing odd things about others. Selfishness in another person is a difficult trait to identify early on in a relationship before you fall in love with that person. So how can you tell earlier on that you may be falling for a selfish man or woman?

    1) He/she mostly talks about him/herself what he/she likes, needs and wants in a partner, in a relationship, in real life etc. What you like, need and want doesn’t seem to matter.

    2) He/she wants you to listen, give emotional support and even worry how he/she is feeling but never takes time to listen to how you feel or even thinks how you feel is not important. When you point this out you’re told you’re being “selfish” for wanting him/her to pay attention.

    3) He/she only relates to how things affect him/her personally and has no ability to see or relate to how life and the world are interconnected.

    4) He/she does not consider the impact of his/her actions (you included) when you point out how his/her words/ actions are hurting you he/she just can’t make the link between his/her word/ actions and how you feel.

    5) He/she gives only when he/she expects to get something’s’ back in return. More often than not, expecting more than he/she is willing to give.

    6) He/she has an entitlement mentality often followed by selfish demands and outburst or emotional blackmail (withdraws attention and affection) when he/she doesn’t get what he/she is entitled.

    7) He/she is always quick to say ‘No” when asked to “give” in any way; always has a reason as to why he/she doesn’t feel like giving doesn’t want to give or should not give and all these reasons have to do with someone else’s fault.

    8) He/she always makes promises he/she doesn’t fulfill either consciously or sub-consciously. He/she always seems unable to remember a commitment that was made and may even blame you for his/her failure to fulfill a responsibility.

    9) He/she thinks it’s alright to manipulate, exploit and even take advantage of others to achieve his/her own end.

    10) He/she lacks empathy and makes no apologies about it.

    The list goes on and on, but in spite of all this, some people will still go ahead and marry the person, not even noticing most of these faults or even just accepting it that that’s the way the person they love is. Follow your heart as long as during courtship there is a good line of communication between you both. You both understand each other perfectly, you both have a deeply rooted love for one another and you as a male know and understanding that man and woman communicates differently. This will dramatically reduce confusion when dealing with each other. Men primarily need a kind of love that is trusting, accepting, and appreciative. Women on the other hand need a love that is caring, understanding, and respectful. I wish you all the best.

    Question: Dear princess, I am a 42 year old married business man. And I have been happily married for the last 10 years. Recently my sister-in-law who is 34 years old lost her husband. She was a full house wife and they had 1 daughter together. Because of her demise, my wife said she should come and live with us since she has no one, I agreed, but I’ve noticed in the last few weeks that she dresses differently especially when my wife is at work. One day she purposely bent down so that I could see her breast. Listen, I am tempted but I am very scared of the implications. What should I do? Set her up and rent an apartment for her or allow her to continue to live with us? Laurence- Ikeja.

    Answers: Dear Laurence, naughty, naughty, naughty ofyou for even looking her way, your sister-in-law is a forbidden fruit to you. Yes, an affair like that might be very tempting because within the house you can easily get your grove down when your wife is not around thinking no one sees you. The crazy thing about affairs like this is that it is so tempting that you can easily get carried away worst yet, either one or both of you might end up falling in love with each other, which might lead to pregnancy if care is not taken. Because it will be a shame to both of you, you might decide for her to have an abortion, which might subsequently might lead to death. My advice to you is for you to not even see her as a sister-in-law, think of her as your own sister. If you are financially sound, rent a one bedroom self-contain flat for her and her child. Also find something for her to do, if she has a degree assist her in finding a job in her field. If she does not have a degree, set her up on a trade that she in familiar with, one that will be profitable for her. I wish you all the best.

    Thought of the week:

    Couples should also keep in mind when dealing or interacting with one another especially when seems you cannot understand or get through to your partner, not only do men and women communicate differently. Men and women think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need and appreciate differently. Some men and woman are so unique in their interpretation of things that it takes a higher level thinker like them to understand or able to interpret what they are trying to get across. What I am saying in essence is “study” your partner and know him/her very well. Just like they say that “knowledge is power”, so is studying and knowing your partner. If you can be successful in studying and knowing your partner, your interaction with others will be like a fountain flowing with ease.

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Thought for the week

    Men Unemotional Palaver!!!

    Women of quality are scared to death nowadays to get into relationship or even submit themselves to going to bed with a man they think is of the same school of thought, why? Same problem, fear that once the man takes them to bed, that is the end of the relationship bliss.

     

    QUESTION

    Sumbo used to date or was in a relationship with a very nice gentleman. He will call her more than six times a day, asking how she was, if she has any problem, he was too eager when she finds herself in any problems to get it solved as soon as possible, he will send her credit without asking, if she has a financial problems, he will try his best to send her something. Her mother recently passed in the United States. He single handedly paid for the funeral without her adding a kobo to it. The funniest thing was that in one year, they were only together sexually just once, but he will make her feel as if they are together everyday. As busy as he was with his business he was still able to give her unrivaled emotionally support whenever she needs it. All the while, I kept telling her that a man like Sam is very scarce in this day and age, he was one in a billion. In a twinkle of an eye, he was gone, gone forever!Sumbo was devasted, I was beyond believe! What happened, is this how people die, one minute you talking, texting, charting, the next minute, the person was gone. Sumbowas beyond consoling right now, it almost three years since Sam died. Suddenly, she find it difficult, if not impossible to find another man to fill his space in her heart. Well, not because she does not want to date or get into another relationship, but because she is yet to find any man that will be able to give her the emotional support that Sam used to give her. She said, once they sleep with you, that is where the excitement ends. There are lots of women of quality out there that are not just looking for money and sex from men, but are looking for friendship and companionship. Someone to share their thoughts with, someone to tell them that all will be well when it seems the world is closing in on them. Are men with feelings still out there? How many house wives get any emotional support from their husbands talkless of a girlfriend or a mistress for that matter? Is the relationship between a man and a woman just about sex and money? Most women will forgo sex and money if a man can guarantee them complete emotional support, that is, a sincere companionship and friendship. Majority of married couple nowadays liveas “roommates”, the Mr and Mrstitle are just for show, nothing more. Most couples that have been married 10 years or more no longer communicate as one not to speak of sleeping together, but they stay together for the sake of their children and to avoid been stigmatized by the society.WHAT IS GOING ON?

    10 stages for mischief in a relationship:

    Reel Stage: This is the stage where the net is laid down, just like when you want to catch a fish. The suitor starts to do something nice, something unusual for you to start thinking about him.

    Trap Stage: Once you start thinking about him, the next thing is to try to find something to trap you with. For instance, if you have never given a kiss especially on the first couple of dates, but he continually respond to your text, text you spontaneously, listen to your problems, and returning your calls on time. Ha! At this point, he slowing steals your heart, unconsciously, you start melting for him, so on the date when he leans forward to give you a kiss, you will not resist.

    Catch Stage: Now you have allowed him to kiss you that will now progress to allowing him to touch other parts of your body. Yes, at that trap stage you might still resist but remember he is still calling, returning your text, might have even bought you one or two things at this stage. So your defense mechanism isn’t going to be as high at this stage. Your brain is saying it is ok, let him proceed, he might be for real.

    Romance Stage: Since your brain is telling you this might be for real. You relax, you start touching him back. Yes, the texting, the calling, and the clubbing might continue at this stage. Your heart is joyful, dancing, thinking its ok this might be him?

    Infatuation: With your heart joying, the blood rushes to your heart anytime you think about him. He is always in your thoughts at this stage. You look forward to his text messages, his calls, you look forward to seeing him. You cannot wait to be with him.

    Use and dump theory stage: You cannot wait to see him, you cannot wait for him to touch you, he knows this cause he has gone through this stage more times than you can think of. As a man, for the most part he thinks between his legs, he believes the only way he can get closer to you is by going to bed with you. This does not mean he feels anything for you, some men will even admit they are emotionless. On the other hand, you feel joy, that finally, someone you can relate to, someone you can share things with, might be someone you want or can look up to. You went through the “deed” with him, for you it appears magically, but for him it’s just the satisfaction of an urge. At this stage two things can happen. He either stays with you does two or more things with you, go on a couple of dates with you and then starts to pull away because maybe one other pretty lady had caught his eye. If so, he will hardly return your calls, out of 10 text messages he only respond to 1 with a word or 2. You might at this stage think “ok”, he is just busy, let me keep trying he will go back to the way we were. At this point your infatuation is now developing to “LOVE”! Beer in mind, if this stage happens, you might never reach the love stage in the sense that once he is able to get what he wants, that might be it. If you are lucky and he has an ounce of feeling for you, you might get to experience the LOVE stage.

    Love Stage: To fall in love is not a choice, to stay in love is. Now almost 99.9 percent of the time, only a woman goes through the stage. The difficult part about this stage is that you cannot stop loving or wanting to love because when it is right it is the best thing in the world. When you are in a relationship and it is good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your world is complete, but the man does not see it like that. Once he starts noticing this, for the most part his instinct tells him to run the other way. Especially if he is not ready to be tied down yet to him, you don’t seem to get it.

    Withdrawal stage: You don’t get it, he knows by not returning your calls, not responding to your text messages, you will eventually get it and move on But unfortunately because most women at this stage think with their “hearts” and not their “brains” You linger on hoping or making excuses for him. Eventually, emotionally, you’re damaged, you can’t eat, can’t sleep, dislike men so much that you can taste it.

    Heartbreak: Your heart is eventually broken; you think “how can he do this to me”? All the promises he made to me at the beginning of this relationship. The texting, the callings, and the things he used to buy for me, what happened? What went wrong? What did I do wrong? Is there any hope for us at all?

    Making-up stage: Any hope? Few people rarely get to this stage. Most people stop at the heartbreak stage. If and when this stage happens, you have to know your relationship can never go as smooth as you the woman expects it to go. At this stage, you must be ready for ups and downs for the most part. Knowing full well, the survival to that or any relationship is to be very patient.

     

    THOUGHT OF THE WEEK

    A New Year Resolution Pledge For Both Married And Unmarried Couples.

    If young couple nowadays can pledge to one another each day that,

    “I Your Name pledge to always love you

    To support you emotionally without reservation daily

    To be your best friend and lifetime companion.

    I promise to text you at least three times in a day

    No matter how busy I am at work

    To continually show you that you are always on my mind

    Even when we are apart.

    So help me (add whoever you believe in).

    By practicing this daily and meaning it, I personally believe that it will help to keep the emotional fire lit both inside and outside of the bedroom and in your relationship.

  • Trace of destiny (2)

    Trace of destiny (2)

    It came to a point whenever I was home on holidays, I spent more time in Rachel’s place than in my own home.
    “We hardly see you these days, Jul. You are always with Rachel. Have you fallen in love with her? Is she your new girlfriend? What about Vera?” Mark, my younger brother queried. During vacations, both of us were usually together, hanging out and doing stuff together.
    “Are you jealous?” I countered teasingly. It was a Saturday and we were downstairs washing our parents’ cars in the courtyard.
    “You bet I am! I have lost my only brother to a ‘strange’ woman! Brother snatcher!” he said in mock anger. I laughed, playfully splashing him with some water from the bucket on the ground.
    “Stop oh! Or I will throw this soapy rag at you!” he said, waving the cloth at me threateningly. I laughed again and ran into the house.
    Later, in my room I thought about what my brother had said earlier about Rachel. He could be right. For whenever I was with her, I felt a kind of happiness and inner peace that I had never felt with any other girl including my current girlfriend, Vera. We had been dating for nearly two years and though I cared about her a lot, things had changed since I met Rachel. Most times, she was the one on my  mind, the one I was always thinking about. I was not sure she was aware of the way I felt about her; I had not told her about my feelings for her but I knew it was only a matter of time.
    ****
    A few days before I was to return to school, I invited Rachel out on a date. I borrowed my Mum’s car and we went to watch a movie. That evening before I dropped her at home, I opened up about the way I felt about her.
    “I know this might come as a surprise to you. But I can’t pretend any more. I’m in love with you, Rachel,” I stated.
    She did not look surprised or anything; she just looked up at me quickly before stating simply:
    “You can’t be. You have a girlfriend.”
    “I know. But I don’t love her. It’s you I love and want to be with,” I stated. I added that when I returned to school, I was going to break up with Vera.
    “It’s not fair to her, remaining with her when I’m in love with someone else,” I pointed out. That day, she did not give me any firm answer; she said she needed time to think about my proposal. So, I remained hopeful as we parted that night.
    On my last day, I went to Rachel’s house to inform her Mum about my leaving for school the next day.
    “She has gone to the salon to fix her hair,” the woman said on my arrival. She was watching a movie showing on the cable TV in the living room so I sat to keep her company. But she seemed to have lost interest in the film for she was more interested in chatting especially about her youngest daughter.
    “So, you like Rachel. I knew it! I could tell from the way you look at her!” she declared succinctly.
    “What?” I said, taken by surprise at her words.
    She laughed before saying:
    “Rachel told me everything. She tells me about her love life, you know. Unlike her sister!” She paused before adding:
    “I think she likes you too from the way she talks about you. You know, you are the first guy she has shown interest in since Tony.”
    Rachel had never mentioned him before and I became curious about him.
    “He was her ex-boyfriend,” she explained when she saw the quizzical expression on my face. “I think he was her first love; she used to be so crazy about him. When they were together, she would talk about him all day long till I got sick of hearing his name. But two years ago, they broke up and he left the country. He’s based in Canada now. Though she denies it, I think my daughter still loves him.”
    Rachel came in shortly after.
    “Hope Mum has not been boring you with tales of the past when she was the most beautiful girl in the country!” she said teasingly.
    I laughed at her words.
    “No. We were talking about you instead,” I stated. She glared at her Mum, grumbling about how she would not mind her business but always sticking her nose in her affairs. Then picking up her bag, she went to her room.
    Her Mum laughed, stating: “What other business do I have but you? Afterall, I’m a jobless woman!”
    “Your hair looks fine,” I complimented her sometime later as she saw me off. She smiled up at me and to my surprise, took my hand in hers.
    We walked in silence till we got to the gate of my house.
    “I will miss you,” I said, taking both of her hands in mine.
    “Call me when you get to school,” she said.
    “You bet I will!” I assured her. I kept to my promise, calling her regularly and enquiring about her Mum. It was while we were chatting one day on phone that she told me something that made me feel so happy, like a man who had won a fortune at the lottery…

    •Join us next Saturday for more of Julian and Rachel’s story!

    •Names have been changed to protect the identity of the narrator and other individuals in the story.

    •Send comments/suggestions to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

  • Dating: Does height difference matter?

    Dating: Does height difference matter?

    With over 7 billion different faces on earth there are bound to be different preferences. Preferences differ among individuals in various issues. No matter how serious the issue, human beings have different preferences.

    Nigerians had the opportunity on The Nation Facebook Fan Page to reel their preferences on the height issue when choosing a life partner. On the #ThoughtProvokingQuestion segment, a question was put forward to the men -‘can you marry a woman that is taller than you?’ To the women-can you marry a man you are taller than?

    Majority of the men prefer to be taller than their wives, others do not see anything bad in marrying a woman taller than they are. While the women unequivocally prefer men that are taller.

    For Oguns Clinton, he is of the opinion that a man should be taller than his wife. His words: ‘’I always feel the man should be taller than his wife. A short man in the hand of a giant woman is only looking for pure trouble. The taller among the two controls.’’ Also speaking in the same vein, Dave Probity and Nazeer Adam Abubakar write that they can’t marry a woman that is taller than they.

    Concerned by the height of the children to be produced if she marries a short man, Sylvia Sue Darling states she cannot marry a man she is taller than. ‘’No, because I only stand 5 foot 4 inch tall that is too short and I want my children to be taller than me,‘’ she opines. Esosa Efosa also takes the position of Sylvia, she won’t marry a man she is taller than.

    A new twist to the discussion on The Nation Facebook Fan Page erupted. The dominance of love over everything. Respondents say love is the major determinant in marriage not height. To them, once there is love, height does not matter at all. For Mclean Minima says there is no height difference in love.

    Joshua Ayebaselegha Teknikio says: ‘’True love is all that counts because it has no consideration attached.” For Aka Onyewetelu Chigozie Npc, he says: ‘’Why not. I can marry either short or tall. What matters is the understanding you have and the love you have for each other.’’

    Barnabas Inuwa is indifferent about the height: “Yes, I see nothing wrong in that. It is not the height that matters but the mental, societal, spiritual compatibility.’’

    As at the time of compiling this report, a total of 233 respondents had a say on this #thought provokingquestion

     

  • The affair

    One quiet and cold night, Grace laid in bed and listened to the sound of raindrops that splattered on her window. Loneliness engulfed her as memories of past times with her husband filled her mind. She remembered how he used to hold her in his arms and cuddle her like a baby until she fell asleep. Those good old days existed only in her memories now.

    “What did I do wrong that made Jude abandon me without considering my feelings?” she asked herself. Though her husband, who was based in Canada, was sending large sums of money to her weekly, yet Grace was not happy. “I can’t take this anymore; I am a woman with flesh and blood running in my veins.”

    “I have been in this wretched condition for seven years like a widow without the touch of a man. I must find a solution to this before I go insane,’ she affirmed within her.

    As she wallowed in her misery, the urge to be with a man and to feel the warmth of her husband filled her soul; the feeling grew stronger when she thought of how Jude used to make her feel like a woman. “I’m still young yet living like this though I have a husband who is enjoying his life in Canada,” she thought.

    In the past, many advisers had urged her to remarry with some even introducing her to all sorts of men. But she never took their advice until the desire to be with a man began to torment her.

    In the beginning, she took to drinking which made her situation worst. “This is not working, I am going to find myself a man and I don’t care what people will say; this is my life and mine alone. Afterall, since my husband has been in Canada, am I sure he has been faithful to me?” she said, shaking her head. These thoughts went on in her mind until she fell into an uneasy asleep.

    ****

    Jude left the country for Canada in search of a better life when Grace was pregnant with their second child who was now seven years old. She could remember how he had promised to send for them once he had settled down. Grace waited and watched as days turned into weeks, weeks into months and months into years.

    “Sweet, I am trying my best to see that I send for you and the children…the way things are done here is different from the way things are done back home. Just give me some time, I promise to come for you and the children,” he promised her during one of their many phone conversations. However, the promise never came to pass and her husband never sent for them as twelve years elapsed. This made Grace to look for an alternative.

    On her search for male company, Grace dated both young and old men whom she spent money on. Then, she met Melvin whom she fell in love with eventually. Melvin was jobless, homeless and a no body but handsome. He lost all he had due to a fire-out-break that razed the shopping complex where his shop was situated.

    When they started their affair, Melvin only came over to Grace’s home at weekends. Later, he moved in to live with her.

    “Grace, who is this stunning looking young man I saw leaving your house?” asked Felicia, a friend of hers who paid her a visit unannounced.

    “Oh! That’s Melvin…he is my husband’s brother who just finished his Youth Service and he is here in search of a job,” she lied.

    “Can you introduce him to me?” Felicia asked. “Why?” Grace queried. “I think I like him,” she revealed.

    “Please, don’t go there,” Grace warned her. “Can’t you see that he is a small boy who is just looking for a job?”

    “I don’t mind. I can help him with his quest of getting a job in my office if he can play by the rules,” she offered.

    “Don’t bother, good Samaritan! He will be going for an interview at Landover Bank on Monday,” she said.

    It was in the middle of their discussion that Melvin walked into the living room and called Grace, ‘Baby’, which got Felicia dumbfounded; she wasn’t sure if she had heard him right. She waited patiently as the exchange of kisses from one person to another ended and she could hardly wait for Melvin to leave the living room before she popped the question.

    “I thought you said he is your husband’s brother?” Grace beckoned on her to be quiet because her children might over hear them.

    “I will explain later,” was what she said.

    “That’s my friend!” Felicia hailed her but warned her to be careful.

    Return of Jude

    As Grace continued her love affair with Melvin, she threw caution to the wind. She did not even care what her children felt about the strange man who had taken over their father’s position; though they called him uncle, they knew very well that he was not their uncle but they dared not ask their mother if the stranger which was the name they tagged him with was really their uncle. Melvin, on his part, tried all his best to see that the children saw him as their uncle.

    On a fateful Saturday morning, Jude arrived at his doorstep in Nigeria after sixteen years without informing his wife that he would be coming home to get her and the children. His joy was shattered when a man wearing boxers opened the door and asked him who he was looking for.

    “I am looking for Grace, does she live here?”

    “Yes and who are you?’ Melvin asked the intruder who he thought might have missed his way.

    “I am her husband,” he replied with seriousness and disappointment in his tone which changed to rage when he heard his wife say:

    “Darling, who are you talking to?”

    Melvin was subdued, drained and short of words because Grace told him that her husband had died years back.

    “It’s a man who says he is your husband,” he replied.

    Grace panicked on hearing his words. Before she could reach the door, her husband had left, entering the cab that brought him. She ran after him to plead.

    “Jude, please let me explain,” she said anxiously.

    “Explain what!” he asked impatiently. “Is this what you have been doing since I left?”

    As they exchanged words, the children came out wondering what was going on. Jude’s attention shifted from Grace to the children whom he didn’t know were in the house with her lover.

    “How could you be this callous? You brought another man into our home, in the presence of the children; what kind of a mother are you? What example are you setting for these children? I am ashamed of you and regret having you as a wife and the mother of my children,” he stated angrily.

    Later, Jude took his children who were happy to see him and left while Melvin stood still, confused, not knowing what to say or do about the situation.

    “Jude, please, its the devil. I am sorry,” Grace begged and begged but her husband never looked back. He left with his children and never came back; so did Melvin whom she had invested so much on.

    “What have I done to myself? I have brought shame to my children, my husband and my family.”

    Grace regretted her actions for the rest of her life…

    •Contributed by Udemma Chukwuma

    •Names have been changed to protect the identity of the characters in the story.

    •Send comments/suggestions to 08023201831(sms only), psaduwa@yahoo.com or psaduwa007@gmail.com

    •Compliments of the season and a very prosperous 2014 to all our teeming and loyal readers of this column. We appreciate you. All the best. – Patience

     

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Solutions to real life relationship issues

    QUESTION:-

    Dear Princess, Good Day and complements of the season to you, read your weekly column and I really like the way you advice on issues affecting love and relationships. I never imagined that I’ll be getting across to you for advice on my love life but something happened to me two weeks back that has really been tormenting me and I really need to clear my mind to make a decision.

    I have been in a relationship with my fiancée for six years now; we just did our formal introduction between our families earlier in the year and planning to get married in some few months’ time which as with every woman I was really looking forward to until now. Princess my relationship with Rasheed has been very interesting over the years, we’ve had our ups and downs, been through several challenging and trying times but we always managed to weather through because of our strong love for each other, one major issue we battled at the earlier stage was that of our religious backgrounds, my family is a very religious catholic one while Rasheed is a Muslim, my parents initially objected to our union ,my Dad explained carefully to me that being from a Christian religious background, I might find it hard to adjust and conform with the Islamic lifestyle or might be forced to change my religion ultimately, my parents couldn’t imagine having their daughter move into a Muslim home, it took a lot of strong will from me. Rasheed was able to explain to them that though he was a Muslim but not a fanatic, I was free to practice my religion, bring up our children as desired; he explained he had Christian relatives and they all got along very well. My parents with time got to know Rasheed well, he’s a very friendly, cool and likeable person, my Dad got to really like him and all the initial objections were overlooked, I was the happiest girl in the world because the approval of my family meant so much to me in my relationship with Rasheed, whom I loved dearly and could not bear to loose him for any reason whatsoever until recently.

    There had also been other issues relating to Rasheed’s relationship with one or two other women that have caused some rift between us over the years, sometimes I pick up Rasheed’s phone and see some text messages from some other girl, usually I get furious as any lady that loves her man would, Rasheed would always have a way of wriggling himself out of the situation, apologize to me and we make up, over the past one year there is a particular lady I’ve been noticing her pictures on my fiancée’s blackberry phone, whenever I ask him who is the girl and why does he have her pictures all over his phone, he would always tell me she’s just a friend, that they were just friends and all that, I wasn’t comfortable seeing a particular girl’s picture over and over again on my man’s phone, well since I trusted and loved Rasheed, I let peace reign.

    Princess, two weeks ago I went to a night vigil organized by a friend’s church, she spoke so much about the wonderful anointing that flows in their church and how people have testimonies to give about the wonderful works God does there, Rasheed works as a property development consultant and over the past few months his business has really been slow to an alarming point, I decided to go to the night vigil basically to pray to God to revive my fiancée’s business, the church is located around my area, so I just got back from work, took some rest and off to the vigil.

    I really enjoyed the vigil, the prayer sessions were so powerful, I felt immediately the presence of God, I believed my prayers has been answered, when the vigil finished around 5.30am in the morning, I just felt like sharing the anointing in me with Rasheed immediately, although I was very tired, instead of driving home, I drove straight to Rasheed’s place, I called to tell him I was on my way but his phones were off, guessed he was still sleeping.

    On getting to Rasheed’s place, I used my key to open the door, on entering the sitting room, I saw a lady’s bag and shoes on the floor, my head started banging, I rushed to the bedroom, the door was locked from inside, I banged on it, I could hear voices inside, Rasheed delayed but eventually came to open the door, Princess right before my eyes, I saw the lady my fiancée was always claiming to be just a friend looking ruffled in there, I was mad , disappointed and felt betrayed by the man I loved so much, I had never cheated on him in all our years of relationship, he started begging me immediately ,I wasn’t even listening, I just went into my car ,I was crying as I drove home, I warned him never to call my line and that I never want to see him in my life again, it was over between us.

    Princess, Rasheed has been apologizing, calling and sending people to me, I told my sister about the incident, though I’ve not told my parents about it, I am really mad at Rasheed, I wonder with how many women he has been cheating on me with, Princess what next step should I take now, I don’t know what to do. BISILOLA-KETU.

    ANSWER

    Dear Bisilola, while you’re busy looking for the perfect person, you will probably miss the imperfect person who could make you perfectly happy. My dear, the imperfection in most males is infidelity. A relationship nowadays is not just about two people, it involves being able to compromise, able to forgive and still continue to trust the person. Can you trust anyone anymore nowadays? Well, it depends on who you ask, the type of up-bringing the person had and of course the type of experience the person has had with past relationships. The Nigerian society according to most men I’ve had the chance to interview believe that it’s a man’s world, meaning when it comes to the issues of women, the man is supreme and for the most part, he can be unfaithful to his partner and be forgiven. Unfortunately, for the women folk, it’s not the same. An average Nigeria woman on the other hand, supports this ideology, by so doing, most men know that if they are caught cheating on their partner, they will be forgiven. This scenario is what makes it very easy for an average Nigeria man to be unfaithful to his wife knowing that if that woman refuses to forgive him, there are hundreds like her lined up to take her place and will even forgive him if he does something worse than being unfaithful. Bisilola, I am not cordoning what your finance had done but let’s be realistic, you said he was very apologetic. I will advise that you forgive him and move on. But, this shows that are chances that he will do it again. Keep an open mind, continue praying and make sure you practice the main ingredients in a marriage, relationship or love which are trust, understanding and most importantly an effective line of communication. I wish you all the best

     

    Thought of the week

    “Being alone does not mean you are lonely, and being lonely does not mean you are alone”

     

    Send your comments to:

    askprincess10@gmail.com

    SMS to: 08155558770

  • De Klerk honours Mandela, recalls ‘stormy’ relationship

    Johannesburg — F.W de Klerk, the former South African president who shared the Nobel Peace Prize with Nelson Mandela, yesterday paid tribute to his successor while recalling their “often stormy” relationship.

    “It was an honour to work with former President Nelson Mandela in bringing democracy to South Africa,” de Klerk said in a statement after the death of the anti-apartheid hero.

    “I believe that his example will live on and that it will continue to inspire all South Africans to achieve his vision of non-racialism, justice, human dignity, and equality for all,” he added.

    When Mandela was finally released from prison in February 1990, he was entrusted with the task of persuading the new president de Klerk to call time on the era of racist white minority rule.

    Mandela and de Klerk, South Africa’s last white president, were jointly awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1993 for their role in the ending of apartheid.

    After the landmark elections of 1994, de Klerk became deputy president in the government of national unity under Mandela.

    “Although we were political opponents, and although our relationship was often stormy, we were always able to come together at critical moments to resolve the many crises that arose during the negotiation process,” de Klerk said.