The Nation Newspaper

Tag: Relationship

  • We’re together for just three months now…

    Good evening ma. I’m a regular reader of your column and I have a little problem to share with you and I need your help on it. It goes like this: There’s this guy I’ve been in love with for three months now, but we’ve quarreled for more than 10 times as if we have dated for a year. All these quarrels are not over important things; ordinary jokes sometimes lead to quarrels and he will keep off for days. I don’t know if this is because we are not staying close to each other he is in Lagos while I’m in Akwa Ibom State. Please tell me what to do. Love you.My dear girl, whether you live together or apart, once two people talk all the time, they are bound to have issues once in a while or always. In your own case, you’re just getting to know each other and coming from different backgrounds, you may say things the other person may not be used to, that would hurt or annoy them. I know a couple who were quarreling all the time because one person was always correcting the other about pronunciations and grammatical structures when the person being corrected thought he knew everything already and that nobody ever corrected him in the past. It took a while before he realized that his partner meant well. For your sake, I’m publishing the piece of writing below: A Series Of Misunderstandings

    Written by David Wygant

    A relationship involves two people getting together, falling in love, having wonderful times, having amazing sex and having a great friendship. A relationship is really just a series of misunderstandings. Think about it. You’re in a relationship. You’re getting along great. Everything is perfect. Then, all of a sudden, you have a misunderstanding. What happens when you have that misunderstanding? Both people will usually go into defense mode. Defense mode is so much fun, it really is. One person hurts the other person. Instead of apologizing, the person will say “The reason why I hurt you was . . . ” and they will give a list. They will say things like, “It’s just because of the way you talked to me. So then I said that back to you.” It seems like nobody can really just look at each other and say, “I’m sorry.” So many people have trouble saying those two words. Why is it so hard to say ‘I’m sorry?’ If you hurt someone, don’t go into defense mode and let yourself justify needing to get your reasons across. Why not just apologize once in a while? If you would do this, then maybe you’d have fewer misunderstandings. A relationship is really a series of misunderstandings until you finally give in and understand one another. So many things in a relationship can go wrong. The problem is that during these misunderstandings, it is hard to let go of that for which you are fighting. It’s hard to let go of a lot of things. The thing about a relationship is that you need to let go and try to understand the other person better. If that person asks you for the same things over and over again and yet you don’t do it, obviously you’re not doing something they would like you to be doing. Instead of just doing that thing, however, people will cause a misunderstanding by getting defensive and saying something like “I do all these other things for you, so why aren’t you satisfied?” That person probably is satisfied. They just want or need more of something. Part of a relationship with someone is to give the other person unconditionally the things that they need in addition to the things you want to do for them. Relationships would have far fewer misunderstandings if people would get out of defense mode, dropped the ego and really looked at each other as being on the same team. Otherwise, a relationship will just continue to be a series of misunderstandings.

  • 9 Signs your bad relationship is affecting your life

    When you are in a bad relationship, it’s hard to actually watch out for the signs your bad relationship is affecting your life and really messing with your personality. Bad relationships can be extremely unhealthy for your entire body, your mood and can really cause your personality to change. If you are trying to find out some signs your bad relationship is affecting your life, take a look at my list below.

    1. Weight Loss: This is probably one of the most common signs your bad relationship is affecting your life. Are you constantly losing weight? Are you constantly slimming down without meaning to? Do you drop weight in no time at all, just because of the stress of your relationship? Watch out for this girls, it might be nice to lose the weight, but you want to do it the healthy way and this is unhealthy.

    2. Depression: Depression is another common sign that your bad relationship is affecting your life. Do you even want to go out of the house? Do you constantly feel down and can’t remember exactly what joy and happiness feel like anymore? These are things to watch out for

    3. Constant Crying: Crying is something that a lot of people experience when they are in a fight in a relationship, but if you are crying every day, every night and at random times, is that normal? No! You shouldn’t constantly feel like you need to cry, your relationship should make you happy, not this stressed out!

    4. Walking on Eggshells: Do you have a constant feeling that you can’t speak your mind? That if you do, it’ll only upset your partner and then it’ll turn into a huge fight? Truthfully, you should be able to be honest in your relationship and if you are always walking on eggshells, it can bleed into your life outside of your relationship too.

    5. No Self Esteem: Your self esteem can be extremely hard to build up, but it can also be really fragile once you do. If you are losing your self esteem because your partner is constantly putting you down, that’s not a good feeling. It’s also not healthy at all.

    6. Secluded: Remember when I said that with depression, you don’t want to go out? Well, being secluded actually holds true as well. This is when you don’t even want to leave the house. Doing anything is an huge inconvenience for you and can even make you feel sick!

    7. Being Pulled in Too Many Directions: When you are in a really bad relationship, you can feel like you are constantly being pulled in too many directions. This is especially true if your partner is needy and is always pulling your attention away. Remember, you need to slow down and take time for yourself too.

    8. Weight Gain: While some people might lose weight, weight gain is another common sign that your bad relationship is affecting your life. If you are an emotional eater, you could constantly be eating everything in sight and you can’t quit. That’s how you deal with being in your relationship. That’s hard!

    9. Moodiness: Finally, how are your moods? Are they constantly swinging from one end of the spectrum to the next? That alone could be a sign that your relationship is not stable and that you are fearing for something and that it’s affecting your life.

    So girls, these are all of my signs that your unhealthy relationship is affecting your life. What other signs are out there? Give them up!

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Thought for the week.

    In any relationship, physical affection is so important for any relationship to survive. In this age of constant distractions it sometimes takes connected effort to make sure it happens frequently and meaningfully. If your partner gives you a hug, take a second to lean in their chest and enjoy that moment.

    Practice the habit of touching, smiling and flirting with each other on a daily basis. Go to bed 10 minutes to give yourself time to cuddle up with each other before you both fall asleep. If that is not possible, make sure you cuddle up first thing in the morning by waking up 10 minutes early before rushing out of the room. Lots of people believe this will always lead to love making, not necessarily, it can be an appetizer for what to look forward to when you get home from work later in the day, and really it just reminds the other person not to forget “am always here for you”! It is the best way to start and end the day.

    QUESTION.

    Dear Princess, I have a major issue that I just need to talk to someone urgently because it’s slowly messing up my entire life and I can’t seem to control and handle it any longer, please I need your help.

    I am into advertising and work with one of the major agencies around, I’m very dedicated to my work and have risen rapidly over the past few years in my career, I have a good apartment, drive the latest model accord car, can conveniently take care of my needs, support my younger ones and very soon planning to set up my own independent advertising agency, everything on the outside seems to be going on well for me but deep within I know I have a major problem that initially seemed harmless but right now is slowly and steadily destroying my life. Tomorrow is my 40th birthday, I have already started receiving birthday wishes, my colleagues are even planning a birthday get together for me after work in an upscale restaurant in town, everyone seems excited for me but I don’t share their enthusiasm because at 40 I am still single, not into any serious relationship and not really working towards settling down because of the problem I have , Princess, I am addicted to masturbation , it’s a vice that I have been engaged in right from my youthful days and right now I cannot do without it after which I get the self-satisfaction, nothing else seems to matter, I feel satisfied but an inner voice keeps telling me I am destroying myself. Let me explain a bit about how it all started.

    I had a very strict upbringing and my parents instilled discipline in me right from my childhood, I was the first male child of the family and my parents always rang it to my ears that I was a leader that my younger ones will always look up to. We were not allowed to play with other kids around after school always indoors, I became used to being on my own, didn’t really know how to mix with other kids even whilst in school I was very quiet and shy, due to the kind of upbringing my parents instilled in me, what mattered was just my studies and nothing more, when as teenagers my school mates were discovering and experimenting how to have relationships with the opposite sex, I was not interested because all that mattered to me was my studies, I was doing really well in my academics, my parents were proud of me, but I became a loner, didn’t really have friends and always kept to myself.

    I gained admission into the university in town and since it was close my parents saw no need for me to stay on campus, though I made some few friends but due to my nature I could not really still mix freely especially with the opposite sex, it was during my first year at the university that I started the vice of masturbation, I was reading a journal one day that was talking about masturbation, I became curious, tried the act and I was in a brand new world, it became something I did almost every other day and when other male colleagues were talking about chasing girls all around campus and their sexual escapades, I was not interested since I had my own perfect way of satisfying my sexual needs.

    During my final year at the university, there was a girl that we used to read together, we shared the same focus and became quite close, there was this day I was reading in her room on campus, her roommate was not around, she started talking about how much she has always liked me, that I didn’t seem to notice and she moved close, started touching me and even took off her clothes, I was fascinated being the first time I was seeing such but I noticed that I was not sexually aroused, she tried again another time, still I was not aroused, but each time when I got back home and engaged in my act of masturbating I became aroused and got self-satisfied, from that time on, I lost total interest in the opposite sex because I realised that it was only masturbating that could arouse me and that alone was okay for me.

    Gradually and slowly, I became so used to the act, I looked forward to engaging in it and lost total interest in ladies, over the years I met a lot of women and some tried to get to know me and engage in sexual relationships with me, due to pressures from family and friends, I tried engaging in relationships with one or two ladies, everything will seem to go on well but when it got to the area of sexual intimacy, I could not just establish that with any woman, even if a woman was naked and got close to me, I really felt nothing, the only time I felt anything was by masturbating, the ladies eventually became tired at my weirdness and left.

    Princess I really need your advice, what do I do now, I am now really addicted to masturbating and it is almost destroying me psychologically, I know it is wrong but I can’t just seem to be able to control or handle the issue any longer, I need to be able to sort out my life and have a family as soon as possible before it becomes too late. Ebube Owerri.

     

    Dear Ebube,

    A problem shared is a problem solved. As you rightly pointed out, the act of masturbating started in your adolescence years which is where it starts for anyone be it make or female. What this acts does for most people that are addicted to it is to kill their urge for sexual intimacy with the opposite sex. There is a saying that the day the drunkard admits that he is an alcoholic, that is when his salvation begins .You know and have admitted that you have a problem, your reason for writing me is because you want me to assist you in finding a solution. Bear in mind that any form of addiction has to do with a chemical reaction in the brain and the brain is what control our thoughts, so knowing and admitting that start going out an mixing with the opposite sex, don’t think about any intimacy, the first thing is to like that person for who she is, he figure, her shape, her hips, her breasts, think about the kind of woman you will like and look for that kind of woman you have envisioned in your mind, if you are lucky enough to strike an accord with such person, the first thing you must do is gain her trust and vice versa, once that is established, then you have to let her into your world and such person must be willing to help you solve this problem privately. You can also go on the internet to look for methods of getting rid of this addiction because at age 40 with no child and spouse people are eventually going to know that you have a problem and will start wondering what it is.

    Thought of the week.

    When you choose to see the good in others, you end up finding the good in yourself.

  • Solutions to real life relationship issues

    Thought for the week.The following questions were asked by surveying 50 married and divorced couples.

    1.Why do women fade with time and age?

    A. Because they don’t take good care of themselves.

    B. They don’t watch what they eat.

    C. They don’t take vitamins.

    D. They don’t exercise.

    E. All of the above.

    2. What are the best food, drinks and herbs to eat/drinks for maintaining good health?

    A. Water

    B. Green leavy vegetables.

    C. Food High in fibre.

    D. Drink berry juice.

    E. Olive oil, strawberries, sweet potatoes.

    F. All of the above.

    3. What attracts the average man to a woman?

    A. Her looks.

    B. Her Intelligence.

    C. Her figure.

    D. Her Bust line.

    E. AB and C.F.AC and D.

    4. What causes a man to stop finding his spouse/partner sexually attractive?

    A. Is it ageing, because some women fade with age?

    B. When she loses her beauty.

    C. Is it when she herself stops finding herself to be attractive?

    D. When a younger woman come into his life.

    E. If she believes she is no longer appealing

    5. How does a woman keep her marriage, so that a younger woman does not attract her spouse?

    A. Looking good all the time.

    B. Keeping her figure

    C. Good hygiene, able to cook delicious meal. F. All of the above

    D. Good housekeeping.

    E. Make sure the fire never dies in the bedroom.

    6. How does a woman keep herself physically and emotionally attractive?

    A. Eat the right food.

    B. Exercise and diet.

    C. Positive Outlook to life in general.

    D. Live a stress-free life.

    7. In a marriage, whose duty is it to keep the sex appeal on fire

    A. The man.

    B. The woman.

    C. Both.

    D. Either.

    8. To you, what is the essence of a good marriage?

    A. Love, passion and compassion.

    B. Understanding each other.

    C. Trust and good effective communication.

    D. Both putting efforts, ability of resolve conflicts.

    E. Commitment to one another, able to forgive.

    F. All of the above.

    QUESTION:-

    I read your column weekly, I have a story to share and need your opinion because my world just came crashing down some few weeks ago.

    I am a surgeon with a successful private practice and was happily married for twenty six years to a woman I loved so dearly, the only woman I ever loved all my life. God blessed us with three beautiful children, who are now all graduates and doing very well, my daughter is planning to get married next year and I must confess that everything concerning me and my family had been going on so very well or so I thought till I received a visitor last week who opened my eyes to some issues and surely I know my life can never be the same again, right now I am still in a complete state of shock and don’t even know what to think, say or do.

    Few weeks ago, I was at home relaxing after returning from work, I was alone as my wife had travelled to Dubai and the children were all out, the security guard informed me that a young lady whom I didn’t recognize her name was at the gate asking to see me, I wondered who it was because normally I’m not used to receiving strange visitors at my residence, I asked that she should be ushered into the visitors living room. When I got there, she introduced herself as Oluchi, I asked politely how I could help her and to please explain the reason for coming, she looked uneasy, I could see sweat dripping by the side of her face even though the air conditioner was on, she appeared very uncomfortable.

    The young lady asked about my wife, I told her she was not around; she smiled mischievously and said YES! She knew my wife was not in the country and she could tell me where my wife was right now, I started looking at her sceptically, I was becoming uncomfortable too, had something happened to my wife? She said she knows my wife was in Dubai but she knows something I didn’t know; I wondered what this young lady was up to and asked her what exactly is the problem?Then she dropped the bombshell that my wife was in Dubai with her own boyfriend,that my wife has been having an affair with her boyfriend for more than six years now. I laughed, and at the same time was pensive, what was this lady saying? I trusted my wife completely and all through our years of marriage I had never had any reason to doubt her or catch her with any dubious act.Oluchi explained to me that she came to me because she loved her boyfriend, whom she wanted my wife to let go of so that he can concentrate on his relationship with her, my wife was a major distraction to her boyfriend, she was tired of sharing him with an older lady, I was still doubtful, she now gave me details of two previous trips which my wife made in the last one year and said She was on those trips with Samuel ,her boyfriend ,that even while in the country, they had ways of always hooking up for their illicit acts, she gave me more details and right there and then I knew she was sure of what she was saying, at that moment, my legs couldn’t hold me any longer, the room was spinning, I had to sit down very slowly so as not to lose my balance.

    After, the lady left, I picked up the phone and called my wife, I asked her where she was and she said Dubai of course, I told her with whom? She started getting irritated and said why was I asking all these questions, I told her that the cat has been let out of the bag and all her dirty secrets have been revealed, she started arguing, (I had earlier explained the story to our children), the kids also called her to tell how they felt ,that they were really let down by her actions, she calmed down, crying that she will be on the next flight home, she was apologizing to all of us saying it was the work of the devil, I warned her sternly not to come back to the house, that I never want to see her again.

    Now she is back in the country, calling, begging and sending my best friend to plead on her behalf, I am not ready to accept her apologies because I feel so betrayed and to imagine someone I trusted with my whole world had been deceiving me for years, it is really so painful. Princess what do you think I can do to sort out my life at this point? I am really so confused and scattered.Umukoro-Delta.

    ANSWER:-

    Two wrongs don’t make a right. What your wife did is very disturbing and un-motherly, but there is no smoke without fire. Please understand that I do not condole what she has done, but why don’t you listen to her side of the story and for your own peace of mind, ask why she did it. Let’s look at some background, as a surgeon, a medical practitioner; you probably work very long hours, again that’s not an excuse for her. On the other hand what type of woman was she before you married her? Where did you meet her? At a Church, Club, or through a friend? Was she a sex freak? Ask yourself all these questions, am very sure with her explanation and what you know about her history, you should be able to come to a reasonable conclusion concerning her actions.

    The three children, where do you want to start from again? If you leave her now, can you guarantee what the next woman will be like? On the other hand, if you are the one caught with this escapade, would she forgive you? Please I beg you, do not just close your mind, keep all the cards on the table before making your final decision.

    I wish you all the best.

    Thought of the week.

    For any marriage to work, the mutual effort is by the couples, not just the wife or just the husband. With changing times, with the world of social media, the exposure to different things, the way it is back then for our parents is not the way it is for this changing generation now. The more reason both must know a marriage is a “joint effort”, that it is not just a woman’s duty to keep a home, both a “joint effort” from both as much as possible. Good and effective communication, understanding one another completely, an unshakeable truth, most essentially, a true sense of deep commitment to one another must be re-validate at all times.

  • How can I maintain my long-distance relationship?

    Dear Aunty Deola, I have enjoyed reading your column for a long time now, but it has not addressed my own

    personal problem. I just met a wonderful man on a recent trip abroad. I’m a top executive where I work and he is always doing well in the country he lives. I have gone to see him twice and he has come to see me once, but the distance is making both of us uncomfortable. What do you think we can do to maintain this relationship so it can last? – Sandra.

    Dear Sandra, I can tell you that it is difficult when you love somebody and you can’t see him immediately you want to. It’s even difficult on cold nights and days when you wish you could go to the cinemas together. It’s always a lot expensive making all those trips to see each other. Thankfully in your own case, you seem to be comfortable enough to afford frequent trips. As they say, dating is hard and doing it across state lines is harder! Follow these rules to keep it together even when you’re apart.

    Agree on your commitment level

    Couples in long-distance relationships know they’re taking a risk, not to mention making a few sacrifices. But if you see a real future for the two of you, the sacrifices won’t seem to matter. Still, before you get involved in a long-distance relationship, there are a few things you have to establish. Are you exclusive or are you seeing other people? Don’t assume that it’s one or the other if you’ve never discussed it, especially if you’re looking to keep things one-on-one. “With long-distance relationships, you need to have a detailed, intimate conversation, including whether the connection is monogamous or open,” says Tonya Reiman, author of The Body Language of Dating: Read His Signals, Send Your Own, and Get the Guy. “Confirming the level of commitment will help to avoid unnecessary jealousy issues and fights.” If you think this is the one, get ready for some hard, but hopefully rewarding, work. “The amount of time couples are able to maintain a long-distance relationship really depends upon how they nurture it,” says Reiman.

    Don’t keep secrets

    Honesty is paramount to any relationship, but especially one that’s maintained from different cities, states, even countries. It’s crucial to be forthcoming — especially about your own insecurities. As a matter of fact, revealing what makes you anxious can lead to improvements in the relationship, as well as a greater level of sensitivity from your partner. “Call when you get home from a night out, and tell your significant other, ‘I really wish you were here,’” adds Caroline Tiger, author of The Long-Distance Relationship Guide. Avoid constantly talking about one person your faraway mate may see as a romantic threat. “And don’t kid yourself,” says Tiger. “Spending all of your time with one person can easily lead to temptation, so make sure you hang out with lots of people.”

    Surprise each other

    Routine is actually a good thing when it comes to long-distance relationships. You can look forward to your next conversation or visit because you know exactly when it’s going to happen. But every now and then, step up the romance a bit. That means calling unexpectedly and “upping the physical anticipation with [phone] sex and saucy email banter,” says Tiger. But don’t invest your money in flowers: “Surprise visits are the best gifts you can give.”

    Maintain your sex life

    Just because you don’t sleep in the same bed every night, doesn’t mean your relationship between visits has to consist of dry spell after dry spell. On the contrary, says sex expert Ian Kerner, Ph.D., contributor to GoodinBed.com, “Our brains are our biggest sex organ.” So use the distance to your advantage by stimulating each other mentally and therefore sexually. “Learn how to talk (and text) dirty,” suggests Tiger. “It doesn’t have to be overt — just enough to make each other wonder if you’re fully clothed.”

    Plan frequent visits

    Reiman recommends that long-distance daters see each other in the flesh at least one weekend a month. You know the excitement of being asked out on a second date while you’re still on the first one? Do the same here. Never finish a visit without planning the next trip. But, says Reiman, “If you can’t physically see each other as much as you would like, virtual dates can work wonders.” Skype, anyone?

    Send cards and gifts

    Texts, Facebook, Tweets — all of the electronic communication options at our disposal have made long-distance dating much easier, that’s for certain. But how did couples do it in the pre-email days? Introducing… the pen and paper! (Remember them?) “The major thing missing during a long-distance relationship is physical proximity to your partner,” explains Tiger. “Snail mail, while no substitute, brings you that much closer to your sweetheart, because you’re touching the paper he touched and reading the lines he wrote by hand.” How’s that for a romantic thought? And she even takes it a step farther: “This is why spritzing the paper — very lightly! — with your perfume or cologne is a nice touch, even if it’s a little cheesy.”

    Trust each other

    “Commitment is a statement of intention. If you know your partner well, and a regular routine is kept, issues of trust will not rear their ugly heads,” explains Reiman. That said, trust also means giving one another the benefit of the doubt. If your guy says he’ll call you after work around 6 p.m., but the phone doesn’t ring until 7 p.m., assume he was pulled into a meeting with his boss, not having drinks with that hot girl in accounting. Just because your imagination can have the tendency to run wild, doesn’t mean you should let it.

    Set an end goal

    How long is too long to be in a long-distance relationship? Well, that depends on you, your guy and your respective situations, but at some point you’ll need to live in the same city. (You may even expect to have a ring on your finger!) “There needs to be a light at the end of the tunnel, a time when you’ll be in the same place, or at least the understanding that one of you will have to move at some point,” says Tiger. “If you’re in a new relationship, this might be too intense a topic to broach for a while, but you can still talk about the fact that you’ll need to talk about it [eventually].” She suggests setting a deadline. For example, agree that after three months you’ll have a “state of the union” conversation. After all, if you’re both in it for the long haul, these are decisions you’ll want to make sooner rather than later. That way you’ll know the relationship is — or isn’t — right for you.

  • Renewing your marital relationship (4)

    Dear Reader,

    We have come to the concluding part of this month’s teaching. In the past teachings, we learnt how to build a strong expectation and intimacy. Last week, we were also taught types of intimacy.

    This week, I will be sharing with you on Spices For A Sweet Relationship. It will interest you to know that God instituted marriage and intended every house to be a sweet and peaceful home. Most Christians dream of a sweet home, a place where joy, peace, prosperity and fruitfulness abound. But they are not ready to pay the price it takes, for their dreams to find fulfilment.

    I would like you to know that a successful home is possible; but it does not happen by chance. You must programme it, if you desire it. You must take responsibility for the renewing of your marital relationship, because whatever you make or fail to make of it, is what it becomes. If you want your marriage to fulfill God’s will, you had better start doing what you are supposed to be doing, as a child of God. God has given you brain, so that you can let Him rest. The following are simple truths you can apply practically to your relationship and marriage, so your home can take a new turn.

    Appreciate the good in your spouse and family members, and then the bad will depreciate

    Whatever good thing and strong point you can see in the life of your spouse, let it be a source of your happiness and inspiration. Praise God for this aspect of his/her life, and then every other area where he/she does not measure up to, will begin to disappear in your eyes.

    Celebrate your spouse – Remember that other people are secretly wishing this same man or woman is their husband or wife. Keep that which you have jealously. Magnify your spouse in the face of the devil.

    Sow joy – Remember that it is what you sow that you shall reap. If you sow excitement into the atmosphere in your home, you will reap joyful family members. You will be happy yourself and your home shall be full of joy.

    Adapt to your spouse – Like what your spouse likes. Know his/her tastes and flow along with him/her. That way, you will feel free and flow.

    Maintain body contact always – This does not necessarily mean sex. Hug each other. Give little kisses. Give your spouse a peck of encouragement, especially in public. Don’t be ashamed to hold your spouse. Be free, not of necessity, but as a life-style.

    Create Godly (not good) climate around your home – A Godly climate will eventually produce good climate. Fill your home with Christian music, Christian books, inspirational materials, etc. Let everything around your home spell God.

    Organise Feasts – Learn to celebrate important days and events. Make it a habit, remembering birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc. Make big events, out of ordinary days. Use these occasions to get excited and rejoice with your family members. You don’t have to call people. Gather your wife and children and just celebrate with whatever thing you have.

    Be one – Do things with your spouse. Pray together and do things in common. Let your children see oneness in you. A house divide against itself cannot stand. Communicate and know your spouse, to be able to vouch for him/her when not there. It makes you happy.

    Give no place to the spirit of unforgiveness – During a lifetime together, marriage partners will naturally make mistakes and offend each other. No human being is perfect. God’s Word calls on us to forgive: “…Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye” (Colossians 3:13). If you don’t forgive, you will not be forgiven. If your wife or husband offends or goes wrong somehow, correct him/her immediately in love, and forgive. Also forget.

    Be Contented – Contentment brings satisfaction. If you are not contented, you cannot be happy. Be satisfied with your husband, your wife, your children, your finances, your life and environment. Praise God, and you’ll be happy.

    The journey of ensuring that order reigns in your home, begins with new birth. You get born again by confessing your sins and accepting Jesus as your Saviour and Lord. If you are ready for this new birth experience, please say this prayer: Dear Lord, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins.  Cleanse me with Your precious Blood. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Thank You for saving me. Now I know I am born again!

     

    Congratulations!  You are now born again! Till I come your way next time, please call or write, and share your testimonies with me through: E-mail: faithdavid@yahoo.com; Tel.  No: 234-1-7747546-8; 07026385437; 07094254102

    For more insight, these books authored by Pastor Faith Oyedepo are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all the Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work and Building a Successful Family.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Renewing your marital relationship (4)

    Dear Reader,

    We have come to the concluding part of this month’s teaching. In the past teachings, we learnt how to build a strong expectation and intimacy. Last week, we were also taught types of intimacy.

    This week, I will be sharing with you on Spices For A Sweet Relationship. It will interest you to know that God instituted marriage and intended every house to be a sweet and peaceful home. Most Christians dream of a sweet home, a place where joy, peace, prosperity and fruitfulness abound. But they are not ready to pay the price it takes, for their dreams to find fulfilment.

    I would like you to know that a successful home is possible; but it does not happen by chance. You must programme it, if you desire it. You must take responsibility for the renewing of your marital relationship, because whatever you make or fail to make of it, is what it becomes. If you want your marriage to fulfill God’s will, you had better start doing what you are supposed to be doing, as a child of God. God has given you brain, so that you can let Him rest. The following are simple truths you can apply practically to your relationship and marriage, so your home can take a new turn.

    Appreciate the good in your spouse and family members, and then the bad will depreciate

    Whatever good thing and strong point you can see in the life of your spouse, let it be a source of your happiness and inspiration. Praise God for this aspect of his/her life, and then every other area where he/she does not measure up to, will begin to disappear in your eyes.

    Celebrate your spouse – Remember that other people are secretly wishing this same man or woman is their husband or wife. Keep that which you have jealously. Magnify your spouse in the face of the devil.

    Sow joy – Remember that it is what you sow that you shall reap. If you sow excitement into the atmosphere in your home, you will reap joyful family members. You will be happy yourself and your home shall be full of joy.

    Adapt to your spouse – Like what your spouse likes. Know his/her tastes and flow along with him/her. That way, you will feel free and flow.

    Maintain body contact always – This does not necessarily mean sex. Hug each other. Give little kisses. Give your spouse a peck of encouragement, especially in public. Don’t be ashamed to hold your spouse. Be free, not of necessity, but as a life-style.

    Create Godly (not good) climate around your home – A Godly climate will eventually produce good climate. Fill your home with Christian music, Christian books, inspirational materials, etc. Let everything around your home spell God.

    Organise Feasts – Learn to celebrate important days and events. Make it a habit, remembering birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc. Make big events, out of ordinary days. Use these occasions to get excited and rejoice with your family members. You don’t have to call people. Gather your wife and children and just celebrate with whatever thing you have.

    Be one – Do things with your spouse. Pray together and do things in common. Let your children see oneness in you. A house divide against itself cannot stand. Communicate and know your spouse, to be able to vouch for him/her when not there. It makes you happy.

    Give no place to the spirit of unforgiveness – During a lifetime together, marriage partners will naturally make mistakes and offend each other. No human being is perfect. God’s Word calls on us to forgive: “…Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye” (Colossians 3:13). If you don’t forgive, you will not be forgiven. If your wife or husband offends or goes wrong somehow, correct him/her immediately in love, and forgive. Also forget.

    Be Contented – Contentment brings satisfaction. If you are not contented, you cannot be happy. Be satisfied with your husband, your wife, your children, your finances, your life and environment. Praise God, and you’ll be happy.

    The journey of ensuring that order reigns in your home, begins with new birth. You get born again by confessing your sins and accepting Jesus as your Saviour and Lord. If you are ready for this new birth experience, please say this prayer: Dear Lord, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins.  Cleanse me with Your precious Blood. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Thank You for saving me. Now I know I am born again!

    Congratulations!  You are now born again! Till I come your way next time, please call or write, and share your testimonies with me through: E-mail: faithdavid@yahoo.com; Tel.  No: 234-1-7747546-8; 07026385437; 07094254102

    For more insight, these books authored by Pastor Faith Oyedepo are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all the Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work and Building a Successful Family.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Seven secrets to make your relationship last

    Every long-term relationship has its bumps, and they can pop up at any time. Learn to navigate them smoothly — before they send your relationship into a ditch.

    No matter how long you’ve been together, there are some simple, fundamental rules of the road. Putting them into practice isn’t always easy, but it is critical. Make your relationship stronger, and the good stuff — fun, sex, trust, affection — will be better than ever.

    1. Be Vocal About Things You Like: Boredom, frustration and everyday irritations can douse the spark between you and your partner — and more of the same certainly won’t feed the flame. Making the good stuff your top priority will. Here’s how to do it:

    First, consider that it takes up to 20 positive statements to outweigh the harm done by one negative one. So compliment your girlfriend on her new shoes, or your boyfriend on his new blue shirt. Thank him for helping around the house. Dial her office for a quick “thinking of you” check-in. Be sure these compliments and thank-yous are heartfelt and specific, and make eye contact when you smile.

    Once you take this approach, you’ll realize that, in addition to knowing how to push your partner’s hot buttons, you know how to push his or her joy buttons too (and we don’t just mean sex). After all, that’s how this whole thing started. It won’t be long before you appreciate that it’s always the right time for small acts of love, like sharing a long kiss before you turn in each night.

    2. Touch Each Other: Human touch aids the release of feel-good endorphins, for giver and receiver. So hold hands when you’re walking, and brush her cheek when you smooch good morning. Revive the ways you touched in the early days — a kiss on the back of the ear, a hand through her hair. Adding more of this kind of touch will help you build a fortress of love. That’s important, because a couple who form a tight unit can weather any storm (and are better able to stave off infidelity).

    How do you build this bond? First, support your partner. Take his or her side whenever possible if trouble arises in the “outside world.”

    Keep their secrets to yourself, even when everyone at work spills theirs. Except in a true emergency, don’t let anything interrupt “us” time. That’s what voice mail and bedroom-door locks are for.

    Make a commitment to spend up to 30 minutes a day chatting with each other about everyday plans, goals and, yes, dreams. This is time to build a friendship. Studies show that being friends pays off over

    time, ensuring a closer, sexier union. And don’t forget to make time for intimacy, even if you must log it in your day planner.

    3. Stop Blaming Your Partner For Everything That’s Wrong: It’s tempting to blame your partner when you feel angry, disappointed, bored, betrayed or stressed out about your relationship. The next step is seeing your mate as the one who must change for the relationship to improve.

    That’s a cop-out. Trying to improve your partner puts him or her on the defensive and casts you in a negative light. The result? Nobody changes. Nobody takes responsibility. Everyone is unhappy. And making your partner the bad guy means ignoring the 90 percent of him or her that’s good.

    The true fix: Change yourself. When you address your own flaws and seek the best in your companion, magic happens. Optimism increases.

    Your partner feels better because he or she feels appreciated, not chastised. And you both feel motivated to change in ways that lead to even more joy.

    4. Improve Your Relationship by Relaxing: The classic advice experts give to singles seeking a perfect match: Be “the one” to attract “the one.” Same goes in a long-term relationship. The happier you feel, the happier your relationship will be, and the easier it will be to manage conflicts. If 15 minutes of morning yoga, a switch to decaf, or a new hobby help you relax, the good feelings can’t help but lead to happier, richer moments together.

    Meanwhile, admit it: You used to fuss over your hair and obsess over the sexiest item to wear to bed. Now, it’s stained sweats and a ratty old T-shirt. Time to spruce up your look. Comb that mane, brush those

    teeth and throw on a new robe. Feeling good about the way you look makes your eyes sparkle. You’re more likely to make eye contact. That sends a spark to your partner. You know what to do next!

    5. Fight Fair: Conflict is a normal, even healthy, part of any relationship. What’s important is how you handle it. In a Florida study of longtime couples, joint problem-solving ability was cited as a key factor for 70 percent of satisfied pairs. With the right tools and attitude, conflict becomes a gateway to deeper intimacy — the chance to be seen and loved for who you truly are, to accept your mate’s adorable, vulnerable real self, and to build a strong union without silently seething.

    First, steer clear of criticism, confrontation and hostility. They’re like gas on a fire. University of California researchers who followed 79 couples for more than a decade found that early divorcers fought long and loud and were always on the attack — or the defensive. Happy couples, on the other hand, avoid verbalizing critical thoughts, keep discussions from escalating, and don’t use absolutes like “never” and “always.”

    If a fight does start, try to change the subject, inject gentle humour, empathize or show your partner extra appreciation. Too late? Call a truce, walk away and cool off for a while.

    6. Pick the Right Time to Argue: Don’t start potentially tough talks if you’re not well rested and well fed. Hunger and fatigue can unleash nasty remarks and dark thoughts. Ban booze for the same reason. Save it for when you’ve achieved detente. That’s worth a toast. Don’t ever try to deal with serious marital issues if you’ve got one eye on something else. Turn off the TV, the phone, the laptop. If you’re distracted or going out the door, pick another time to talk. You can’t resolve conflicts on the fly.

    7. Learn to Listen: The single most powerful step you can take to keep a relationship solid? Speak less and listen more. Blame, insults, criticism and bullying predict a bad end, or at least a living hell.

    When talk turns combative, don’t interrupt, offer a solution or defend yourself too soon.

    When feelings are at issue, they need to be heard. So nod, rephrase or provide a soft “um-hum” to show you honour the emotions behind the words. Sometimes, all we really need to do to feel closer to someone is pay closer attention to what it is that they’re saying.

     

    Courtesy: Sarì Harrar and Rita DeMaria

     

  • Renewing your marital relationship (3)

    Dear Reader,

    For the past few weeks, I have showed you how you can renew your marital relationship, by building a strong expectation and intimacy. By the grace of God, this week, I will be discussing a few guidelines on intimacy. My focus will be on Types of Intimacy.

    Intimacy is the closeness of your relationship with your spouse – emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, sexually, and in many other ways. Intimacy is not an end, but rather a journey that lasts throughout your marriage.

    Intimacy can have different meanings for men and women. However, all human beings have the basic need to be intimate and close with another person. Women are often portrayed as having the desire for emotional intimacy, while men are portrayed as only having a desire for sexual intimacy. However, intimacy can take many forms, including the following:

    Emotional intimacy

    This is the closeness created through sharing feelings. Here, the couple is able to share personal feelings, to trust one another, and to feel safe and secure with each other. Emotions can be described as strong instinctive feeling.

    Women, generally, understand emotions better than men. The first step to emotional awareness is to pay attention to your feelings, identify them, and think of possible reasons for them. Work on noticing the differences between strong emotions, such as terror and fury, and the differences between more subtle emotions such as anxiety, insecurity and irritation.

    Emotional intimacy can occur, once people know what they are feeling, convey those feelings to each other, and express concern and understanding of their feelings to each other.

    Mental or intellectual intimacy

    Marriage has a cognitive and planning dimension, which includes sharing thoughts about life, making plans together and discussing goals. It also involves a mutual understanding about all the important issues in your marriage. Setting goals together is one of the ways to further intellectual intimacy. For example, you might set goals to improve your intimacy, etc.

    Spiritual intimacy

    Marriage has a spiritual and philosophical dimension that include sharing spiritual and religious attitudes, behaviours, beliefs and life experiences. This involves sharing religious beliefs and observing religious practices together, such as praying and attending church. As you share spiritual experiences, you will become united in your attitudes and goals. Couples become active in a church where they can learn, grow, and serve God along with others.

    Recreational & Social Intimacy

    This is enjoying activities together, like running, golfing, or reading. Watching a TV programme or preparing a meal together can be good ways to build recreational intimacy. Marriage has a social dimension in which the partners enjoy doing things together and spending time together.

    Financial or monetary intimacy

    The fiscal dimension of marriage deals with decisions and actions concerning earning a living and spending money. This comes with discussing and sharing your finances.

    Sexual intimacy

    Husband and wife share their physical love for each other, by sharing their bodies and physically becoming one. This is one of the most important dimensions of healthy marital intimacy. Healthy sexual intimacy includes sexual frequency that both partners are satisfied with, sexual activities both partners enjoy, and an open dialogue about sex. Someone once said, “A major strength for happily married couples is the quality of the sexual relationship”.

    The (Different) Meaning of Physical Affection to Men and Women

    Both men and women share the basic need to be intimate with their wives and husbands. However, what this means from both sexual and emotional standpoints, is somewhat different for men and women. Therefore, typically men and women enter into marriage with different beliefs and expectations about giving and receiving affection. Having a basic understanding of such differences is important, so that misunderstanding, frustrations, and anger can be avoided.

    It’s been said that, typically, men give love and commitment, in order to get physical affection and sex. Women give physical affection and sex, in order to get commitment and love. It might also be said that men typically hunger for sex, while women hunger for romance. Men initially give and receive love to fulfill their physical needs, while women initially give and receive love to fulfill their emotional needs.

    Often, women need to feel loved and nurtured, before they begin to be aroused and develop desire for sexual intimacy. For women, emotional intimacy is at least as important as the act of sexual intercourse.

    Men often need to be sexually aroused, before they can truly feel and express love. It’s through sexual activity that men are emotionally and physically fulfilled. Sexual activity often enables men to become aware of their wives’ need for love and emotional support.

    Unless partners understand such differences (and others) between men and women, it can be difficult or frustrating for them to find a common ground, so that their emotional and physical desires can be fulfilled. Understanding each other’s feelings and expectations regarding intimacy (in all its dimensions) and being intimate, is the key.

    Until you are a born-again child of God, you cannot benefit from what has just been discussed. To be born again entails confessing your sins and accepting Jesus as your Saviour and Lord. If you are ready to be born again, please say this prayer: Dear Lord, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins. Cleanse me with Your precious Blood. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Thank You for saving me. Now I know I am born again!

    Congratulations! You are now born again! Till I come your way next time, please call or write, and share your testimonies with me through: E-mail: faithdavid@yahoo.com; Tel. No: 234-1-7747546-8; 07026385437; 07094254102

    For more insight, these books authored by Pastor Faith Oyedepo are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all the Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work and Building a Successful Family.

  • My relationship with Iyanya —EMMA NYRA

    My relationship with Iyanya —EMMA NYRA

    Born Emma Chukwugoziam Obi, the first lady of Iyanya and UB Franklin’s Made Men Music Group who goes by the moniker Emma Nyra, is a Nigerian performing artist out of Houston Texas. The graduate of Health Administration from Southern University is a singer and also an actress. Her relationship with Iyanya, no doubt, has given her that platform which has launched her into the limelight. In this interview with MERCY MICHAEL, Emma opens up on her foray into music, growing up, dating, among other things:

    WHEN did your journey into music start?

    I have been singing since 2009. That was when I started my first professional show but I have been singing since I was really young, like singing in the choir and all of that.

    Musically, what has been happening since 2009?

    I didn’t graduate from the university until 2010. So while I was singing I was still studying because I did promise my parents I would get my degree first. When I told my parents I wanted to be an artist, they were shaky, so I got my degree first. 2011, I moved to Nigeria because I signed with Made Men Music Group, which is owned by Iyanya and UB Franklin.

    How did you meet Iyanya?

    In 2009, my mentor then was Sauce Kid. He treated me like a little sister. He would take me to interviews and all of that. Along the way, during one of our dates, he took me to the radio station and then after that we went to meet UB Franklin, my manager now. He introduced me to him as the guy who managed Iyanya. I hadn’t met Iyanya then. That was after Project Fame. But I didn’t know Project Fame. I wasn’t familiar with it. When UB saw me he was like, ‘you’re a female act. I manage artists and having a female and a male will be a good idea.’ There was no label then. I hadn’t finished my studies yet, but I had made up my mind to move back to Nigeria because it didn’t make sense for him to manage me from abroad.

    After that meeting, in 2011 Christmas, I met him again through not.justok concert. I was performing there. We got talking and he was like you are done with schooling now, so come back to Nigeria, let’s do this thing. I told my parents and they were like we don’t have any plans of leaving you in Nigeria, so I went back January the following year. When we returned, I had to convince my parents to allow me come down to Nigeria. Eventually I succeeded, so my mom brought me back in March, so she met UB. He convinced her that it was a good idea to leave me behind. I also have family here so I moved into my uncle’s house. Immediately I moved to Lagos, everything started happening at the same time.

    People here have drive, so it was good that I moved here. So Made Men came about. UB had the idea. He brought it to all of us. There are three artistes, Bassey Okon, Emma Nyra and Iyanya. Iyanya and UB Franklin are the presidents. They are my two bosses. He told Iyanya, let’s name it Made Men Music Group. He brought logos for Iyanya to look at. We decided all of that and UB went to register it, Made Men Music Group.

    Why did you choose to sign with Iyanya’s label?

    Actually, it wasn’t the name I was looking for. It was the fact that they took the time to say we believe in you. We’ll back you. We’ll support you. And that was what I needed because I knew I have talent. I needed someone who will sit me down and say we are willing to help you train. We are willing to put money into your project. We are willing to help you 100 percent. I didn’t really need money. I didn’t need that. What I needed was support and backing.

    Before they did Kukere video, I had already signed with them. So as it was picking up I was doing shows with them, I was gaining experience and everything. If I had come now after the success then everybody would have said she’s looked for him. So it’s better that I stuck with my team and we are moving together at the same time. Luckily, when we did Your Waist, that was like my biggest platform. People know my face now so I have that platform I needed.

    What are your challenges as a female artist here?

    Because I’ve been signed on to Made Men Music Group, when people approach me they have to go through the same method as any other type of artist. Before, when I was on my own, it was the public dealing directly with me. But because I have a manager now, you are not even going to see me or deal with me until it’s time for me to step in, so that helps people to offer the right price. People know that when you are dealing with a manager you can’t try and be funny. That was my major issue when I was independent.

    What genre of music do you do?

    I do Afro pop, Afro RnB. My training is heavy RnB. When I moved to Nigeria, I had to change it slightly. So my single Ori mi wu is a very fast-paced dance, infused with drums, that’s what makes the Afro pop. People all over the world now are starting to embrace African music, that’s why you see Rick Ross with PSquare, Akon and so on. People are looking for African music now.

    Who were your influences musically?

    Marie Carey trained me for the high pitch. I also like Beyonce. She has a heavy voice that I love. I learnt some runs from her. I grew up listening to Fela. Fela, Sunny Bobo, that’s what my mom listens to day-in-day-out. Fela most especially, people in America are influenced by him. Don’t think because I was raised outside Nigeria, I don’t know my training. Even all those classic Ibo songs, I grew up listening to them. My mom and dad are both music collectors. That’s what I grew up with.

    Iyanya as an artiste, what’s your perception of him?

    A lot of artistes right now are gimmicks. I think Iyanya is unique because he’s actually talented and he’s a total package. He can sing very well. He can dance very well and he’s passionate. He’s not doing it for the naira. People think Iyanya is a rich boy, he makes millions. Iyanya is passionate about what he does. If it wasn’t for his passion he would have quit a long time ago. He doesn’t have time for anything else. So that’s what makes him different.

    How much of his style have you imbibed?

    Iyanya helped me in the studio to learn how to make my voice a little lighter because he told me to look at him. For example, he sings only RnB and that was what I was doing as well. So he now gave me some tips on how to make my voice run a little bit. He also helped me with dancing because he said as a woman I have to learn how to dance, to engage the crowd. That is what he’s helping me do.

    Tell us your first major platform and what was the experience?

    My first major platform was Davido’s album launch. I was very shy because I know that Nigerians are very blunt and honest. I was like, ‘oh my God, I pray they like me.’ I’m actually not scared of being booed. I have been booed before on stage, when I opened up for Fally Ipupa in Houston.

    The women were waiting for Fally. They came to concert at 9pm; Fally didn’t come to the concert until like 4’oclock in the morning. I was one of the opening acts. When I said, ‘you guys want me to sing?’ The crowd said no! So I have been booed before. So at the Davido’s concert, Iyanya was like ‘go up there and do your thing.’ The only thing you can do as an artiste is give your all.

    Iyanya is single, is there the possibility of dating him?

    No, because he’s a colleague. A lot of times, I feel a lot of good relationship go sour because you let love get in the way of your hustle. So right now, no, there is no relationship. It is just a professional relationship. We have the Made Men House where everybody stays; you can’t now be dating somebody within the house. You can’t be doing that at this point because you don’t want any kind of conflict. It’s too risky. Right now I’m about my hustle. I don’t have any relationship, but when I do it shouldn’t be within the team. That’s how I feel right now, maybe it will change, I don’t know.

    Tell us about your background

    Both of my parents are from Asaba, Delta State. They moved to America in the 80s. My elder sister, she’s fifteen months older than me, we were all born in Texas. She’s first and I’m the second born. Then I have two younger brothers. One is 18 and the other is 21. We are very close and we grew up in Texas. I didn’t even eat America food until I was a certain age; I grew up on rice, stew, fufu, pounded yam, that’s what we eat. That’s what I knew.

    I’m still picky, if you call my friends and ask them what I eat, they will tell you rice. I still eat like that until now. I grew up in a house that was very loving. Both my parents worked together. They were around all the time. I’m very well rounded because I had love from each side. I have brothers. I have a sister. I have a dad and I have a mom, so that’s why I’m a loving person because I’ve always been with my family. And I had a big family as well. My grandmother had twelve. My other grandmother had six. There are still some cousins that I haven’t met. That’s how big my family is.

    Would you say that you actually have your parents support now?

    Oh yes, my dad and my mom are my two biggest fans. Yes, both of my parents are artistes actually. My father acted. He’s a DJ, but professionally he’s a pharmacist. So when I said I wanted to be a singer, he was like, ‘That’s a hubby. That’s not really something you can make money off.’ So I told them I would get my degree first just in case something doesn’t go well, I will have something to fall back on. I studied Health Administration. My mother does medicine. She has a medicine home. My dad is a pharmacist. So I studied something I’m familiar with.

    What are your plans?

    Don’t fall, stay on top, don’t be distracted. As a woman you see women come into the music scene and they just disappear while men can be famous from the day that they started till they are old. You see them still rocking. So as a woman I want to be like that. Even when I have my kids and my husband, I want to keep doing what I love. I don’t want to stop. So this year I’m going to focus on making it a loud statement for the women. We need more representatives. People are looking at Africa right now from everywhere.