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Tag: Relationship

  • Building trust in your relationship (3)

    DEAR Reader, I thank God for the privilege to bring God’s Word your way again today. It is my prayer that as you take time to follow the principles outlined in this teaching, your relationship with God and others shall be sweeter in Jesus’ name! In my first lesson of this teaching, I showed you how you can build trust. Last week, I discussed about a very important subject in our daily living – Relationship between family members and others around us. This subject is as important as our relationship with God, our Maker. In fact the Bible says: If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? (1 John 4:20). You will see some people, even among Christians, worshipping in the same church, but having problems in their relationships with one another.

    The responsibility of living peacefully is not only on one person but on all family members: husband should ensure it with his wife, parents are to teach their children, and in-laws are to live together in peace and harmony. Scripturally, envy and strife are not only sin, but they also bring evil upon the members of the family (James 3:16).

    The Bible says: Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord: Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled (Hebrews 12:14-15). This Scripture also says to follow peace with all men. That means not only believers, but unbelievers as well.

    You need the Grace of God to relate with others

    What is Grace? Grace is unmerited favour. Something you don’t work for or earn, but you receive. God is the sole custodian, and He says that grace will elude whosoever will not obey His commandment to live at peace with all men. You will not fail of the grace of God. Anyone living in hatred, bitterness, malice and all sorts comes short of the grace of God. This year is our year of From Glory to Glory, if you don’t want a damn in your glory, shun away from everything that constitute sin in your life. Sin is refusing to obey God. It is the grace of God that will make you to shine for all to see this year.

    A Christian who is not living at peace with other family members, keeping malice, walking in hatred or anger, and claims to be a prayer giant, no matter the grace of God and the level of it that is released upon such individual in prayer, that prayer life can never be effective. Why? The Bible says that such a person abides in death.

    It doesn’t matter who you are and what position you occupy in your church, until you learn the act of living peaceably with other people, the grace of God upon your life will not find fulfilment. Avoid anger, hatred and strife. They are little-little foxes that spoil the vine and frustrate the grace of God upon an individual’s life.

     

    TO LIVE PEACEFULLY WITH OTHERS YOU NEED TO:

    1.Forgive Instantly: Learn to make excuses for people. Don’t see every hurt as an attack. See it as the best that individual can do as at that time.

    2.Be ready to ask for Forgiveness: Pride is a killer. Never be too big to ask for forgiveness or say sorry. It keeps your mind at peace.

    3.Communicate Effectively: A lot of times, erroneous assumptions lead to strife and bitterness against one another in the home. However, effective communication between family members would go a long way in the pursuit of peace.

    4.Live by the Word: Let the Word of God be your guide. Whatsoever He tells you to do, do it. Let obedience to God and to His Word be a way of life for you.

    5.Pray in the Spirit: Romans 8:13 says that if you live after the flesh, you shall die. But by the Spirit, you can mortify the deeds of the body.

    The peace of God which passes all understanding shall keep you spirit, soul and body in Jesus’ Precious Name. You shall not miss your true glory this year in Jesus’ Name!

    To have a peaceful relationship with your family member and others, you need the grace of God and this grace can only be given when you have identified with God in your relationship with Him.  You want to be born again? Why not say this prayer: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. Deliver me from sin and satan to serve the living God. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom”.

    If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

     

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • Where are all the good men?

    Where are all the good men?

    Men, men, men!!! We can’t live with them, we can’t live without them. Picture this, boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, girl does small shakara but eventually agrees. Just when girl starts to fall in love, boy dumps her and moves on to the next target. It’s a classic scenario.  You could have met a guy that likes you, but once you start showing even a hint of affection, he gets scared and runs away.

    He might start missing your call and never call back; he might get so busy you never spend time together anymore. He might even give you a sob story; he just realized he’s not ready for a relationship. It’s him not you (yeah right)! And then it hits you. You’ve been stringed along again.

    Why are guys like that though?  I admit there are still some good guys left, but my question is; where have all the good guys gone? And by “good” guy, I mean a confident and trustworthy man. He respects and adores his woman. He loves her in spite of her flaws and  is sincere and God fearing. In short, a good man treats his woman like a Queen because he wants to be her King.

    Forget about fairy tale stories of Prince charming on a white horse. I think most women will prefer a regular guy that doesn’t play games with her or toy with her feelings. A regular good guy. I have to say that it is very frustrating being a single girl in Lagos. I wonder if it’s as tough in other states. You’re constantly bombarded with images and stories of supposedly happy couples and you wonder when you’ll have your own happy ending. It’s tough because sometimes you think you’ve finally met “The One” but then he goes out of his way to prove to you that he’s not for you. How hard can it be to show care and give attention?

    Also, it seems loyalty and monogamy is alien to men nowadays. Having side chics or piece or whatever they call it has become some sort of norm. In fact, even wives and girlfriends have accepted their fates and they console themselves by saying: it’s just sex, he loves me, not her, and he comes back home to me and things like that. I could scream!!!!

    But I refuse. I refuse to accept that fidelity is a thing of the past. I refuse to believe that cheating should be expected in a relationship. I refuse to share my man with another woman and I refuse to lower my standards. But my question still remains.

    If there are still good men out there, then where have they gone? Are they like the beautiful ones and they’ve not been born? If that is the case, finding a soulmate in this lifetime is not certain. Are they all married or in serious about-to- wed relationships? I didn’t receive the memo that advertised good men searching for suitable wives. Are they in another country entirely? I am seriously considering migrating. Lol

    Where have all the good men gone? My very own JAMB question!!!

  • How to create trust in relationship (2)

    IN this second part, we will be looking at more helpful counsel on how to build trust in relationships. Remember, last week, we listed the barriers to building trust. Therefore, in order to build trust in a relationship, we have to overcome these barriers and ensure they don’t act as stumbling blocks. Here are some useful tips that might be of great help.

    Have an open mind: It is important in a relationship to be as open and honest as possible. Sometimes, husband and wife lie to each other to avoid lying to each other. That is something they should think about when they are indulging in the dishonest act, not at the time of disclosure. If you think twice about what you’re doing and how it will hurt your partner, if you really care for him/her, you won’t do it. If you’re constantly hiding things and not being sincere, it affects the relationship and kills trust.

    Effective communication: Communication forms the core – an integral part of building trust and sustaining a relationship. Communication does not involve one person doing all the talking. Communicating effectively involves both partners, contributing their fair share to the conversation and listening when the other talks. It involves laying your cards on the table and telling it like it is, talking about your deeper emotions and feelings. It means being straightforward about your needs and expectations. So that you don’t go on saying that your observation is not your expectation.

    Forgiveness: Building trust in a relationship also involves being able to forgive your partner for the hurt he may have caused you in the past. If you can’t do that and insist on clinging to petty problems or keep bringing up old issues, the relationship will die a natural death. Or one or both of you is or are going to be extremely unhappy. If you decide to continue in a relationship despite the hurt your partner may have inflicted on you in the past and would like to work on rebuilding the trust, you have to be willing to wipe the slate clean and start all over.

    Ability to put oneself in another’s place, or feeling for the other person (empathy)

    when problems come up or difficult situations arise, as they are bound to, it is important to show concern for your partner’s feelings and be sensitive to their needs. Even if you do not agree with the course of action and he does not take your advice, support him in his time of despair. If you understand his deepest desires and identify with his interests, he is more inclined to trust you with his feelings. If you throw them back in his face, ridicule him or rub it in when he’s stumbled and fallen, he will not be inclined to trust you.

    Learn to maintain positive feelings: If your partner has never given you reasons to doubt him, then don’t. What’s that line about someone not being guilty unless proven otherwise? If you’re always suspicious and doubting his motives, jealous and quick to jump to conclusions (often the wrong ones), it will be very difficult to build trust. Treat your partner just the way you would want to be treated  with love and respect.

    Building trust in a relationship doesn’t come with a snap of the fingers. It takes hard work and commitment, but once you have it and work to keep it alive, you will reap the fruits of it.

    Be truthful: Unless you’re planning a surprise party for your spouse, you should never lie to your husband or wife. Even small lies  such as saying you’re working late when you’re shooting pool with your friends  are a bad idea. You’ll likely get caught in the lie, and suddenly your spouse will be wondering what else you’re lying about.

     

    Be reliable: Follow through on your promises big and small. If you tell your spouse you’re going to meet him or her at 8 p.m. at your house, be there on time. Promised to bring home milk? Bring home the milk. Of course, the big ones, such as fidelity and being there through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, also fall under this umbrella.

    Set boundaries: The green monster, jealousy, tends to rear its ugly head and threaten trust when couples don’t set boundaries with those outside their marriage or relationship, if you know it bothers your spouse when you flirt with that co-worker, then keep it professional. Don’t set up lunch dates with that ex who always calls. Make sure your spouse knows that he or she is your number one priority. Let your spouse know that he/ she comes first, and that there’s nothing going on. Talk about everything, keep no secret.

    Be trusting yourself: Unless your partner gives you a real reason to mistrust or doubt his or her honesty, you should trust him or her. This means that you should never accuse your spouse of cheating or lying to you unless you have hard evidence. Without proof, you’ll just create an air of mistrust. It’ll make your partner doubt your honesty too. You should have faith in your husband’s or wife’s faithfulness and honesty. You must believe what he or she tells you.

    Be fair: Don’t let your partner pay for the sins of your exes. If you had unfaithful or dishonest exes, you should have worked that out with them. Your spouse is his or her own person and has already chosen to commit to a life with you. He or she should be judged on his or her own actions.

    Trust yourself: Your heart led you to this man or woman. Your emotion told you that he or she was worthy of your love. Your mind told you to marry him or her. If you trust yourself, you know you made the right choice. And that’s a strong foundation on which to build trust.

    Trust, after all, is the glue that holds relationships together  even when they face great challenges. Without trust, relationships might be more likely to split in times of crises, fail at getting intimate and have doubts about each other. Spouse who trusts each other has security and probably feel closer.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng

  • Building trust in your relationship (2)

    DEAR Reader, You are welcome to a time of refreshing in God’s presence.  Last week, I taught on trust and this week, I want to teach on Relationship.

    What is Relationship?

    Relationship simply means association, contact and interaction with people. It means to be involved or to link up with somebody else. However, if your relationship with people must be successful, and not cause you problems but rather benefit you, then you need to understand and know yourself.

    Every relationship you are into has you as the principal actor. That is why a good understanding of yourself will help you to succeed in that relationship whether it is with a member of the opposite sex or someone of same gender. I have observed that many people don’t know themselves and have never really bothered to find out just who they are. They just want to focus on others and what they are doing well or not doing well. You need to take time to find out who you are.

    Relationship with God

    This kind of relationship only comes when you have given your life to Christ, and God becomes your Father. The Word of God says: Can two walk together, except they be agreed? (Amos 3:3). There is no way you can walk with God without being in an agreement with Him. Redemption is the only way to have a relationship with God. The Bible says: Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God (John 3:3).

    You and I were created for the pleasure of God. That means, the greatest relationship that you can have with anyone is with God. Once that relationship is intact, it will set a pace for your relationship with men (Revelation 4:11). Your relationship with God will always guarantee you wisdom, direction, peace, etc.

    Relationship with Others

    There are general rules for getting along with other people. These keys will work for you as you apply them.

    • Walk in love: It is the love of God that makes it possible for you to relate successfully with all categories of men, both the lovable and the unlovable. That love is made possible by the help of the Holy Spirit (Romans 5: 5-6).
    • Be understanding: Generally, people like to be understood. They want you to make an effort to understand why they do things the way they do them, their various temperaments, backgrounds, etc. You must strive to treat people the way you want to be treated.
    • Beware of invalid expectations: The reason many times we have misunderstandings with people is that our expectations are very high. We expect too much from people. People will always be people! You must make allowance for their errors and weaknesses.
    • Concentrate on the good: If you look carefully, you will observe that nobody is hundred percent perfect! Since that is the case, every one has weaknesses and strengths. So, you can either concentrate on their weaknesses or strengths per time. As such, we must learn to look beyond people’s mistakes.
    • Treat people well: A wise man once said, ‘What you make happen for others, God will make happen for you’. That means, if you treat people well, whether they repay you or not, God will make it happen for you!

    Relationship with members of your family

    A family comprises of a father, mother and children (it also includes relations or those living in your house). If you are a wife or a husband, you must realise that you can get along with your spouse. All you need to do is appreciate his/her place and each of your responsibilities as God has declared in His Word. Let the wife start by understanding the leadership role of her husband and give him his place. She should also make sure that she respects, obeys and submits to him. For the man, you must make sure that you love your wife passionately, deeply and expressively. You will not fail in Jesus’ name!

    To be able to relate with God and others, you need to surrender your life to Christ. You can do so by saying this prayer: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. Deliver me from sin and satan to serve the living God. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom”.

    If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

     

  • How to create trust in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I look forward to reading your article every Saturday. Keep up the good work. I find it difficult to trust in relationship because of my past experience.

    I need your counsel on how to build trust once again.

    Thanks.

    Juliet, Lagos.

     

    Your situation is expected because of your experience. Trust, as we know, is a very factor in any relationship. Many relationships have broken up over trust issues. Once violated, trust is very hard to fix and rebuild, so it has to be protected carefully and constantly nurtured.

    It can be compared to a plant that needs the right soil, water and temperature to flourish and attain full bloom. So too, trust requires the right conditions and environment to sustain a relationship through ups and downs.

    If partners trust each other in a relationship, there is no guarantee that it will continue to stay that way. Challenges might come that will make one a victim. Remember we are human and not perfect so you can never trust enough, nor can you take it for granted. You have to constantly work on it.

    However, before we go into details on how to build trust in relationship, it will be nice for us to quickly list out what can hinder us to building trust in our relationships.

    In a situation, for example, when one partner or the other seeks to be in charge and wants to achieve the upper hand, therefore, making it very difficult to meet on equal ground, trust cannot be established in such a relationship. On the other hand, if you are not happy in a relationship and constantly seek to change your partner and dictate terms, it is not an environment conducive to building trust. Your partner will withdraw and alienate himself or herself from you.

    Another factor that can serve as a hindrance to building trust is lack of honesty, hiding things from your partner  or lying by omission, or  telling him or her what you think he or she needs to hear. You are not just being dishonest with your partner, but you are not being true to yourself either.

    Remember that if you’re doing something wrong that you can’t talk about to your partner, it’s not about keeping it from your friend, but whether you can live with it is the question. For those who have conscience, the guilt can be very devastating.  Dishonesty destroys trust in a relationship, so whatever you do, have the courage of your convictions and there will never be the need to be dishonest.

    Next is self-indulgence; When a relationship is self-centred, that is, when the focus is only on personal needs, always about me attitude, without putting the other person’s interest into consideration, such action will definitely affect the relationship if not corrected. Note that if you have selfish motives, it erodes the trust that your partner has placed in you and causes a loss of faith. This, in turn, hampers the growth of the relationship and causes it to stagnate.

    Lack of effective communication can give room for doubt or assumption. For example, when you don’t talk freely with your friend or partner about everything, knowing that effective communication is the livewire of any relationship, it is the fuel on which the engine of a relationship runs, trust might be a challenge.

    Disappointment is one aspect that must not be neglected. Most people react to situations based on their experience. A person that has been disappointed will find it very hard to trust immediately. More so the act of suspicion can affect the level of trust in a relationship.

    Trust remains one of the most important elements in a relationship. Without trust in your relationship, failure is sure to follow. Trust in a relationship gives you a measure of peace and calmness that leads to satisfaction and security.

    To be continued.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng

  • Building trust in your relationship

    DEAR Reader, You are welcome to the month of June. It is my prayer that this new month, God shall visit and give you a testimony that will make you to rejoice in Jesus’ name! This month, I want to teach on a subject I have titled: Building Trust in your Relationship and I shall be focusing on Trust this week.

    Trust is probably the most important ingredient in building a good relationship with others and in building an intimate relationship between husband and wife. Trust is something that can be cultivated and nurtured if you will follow the guidelines below. It is important for us to know that trust is an essential and vital ingredient in our daily living, whether family life or in our relationship with others.

    WHAT IS TRUST?

    The Oxford dictionary defines trust as the firm belief in the reliability, truth or strength of a person, confident expectation, obligation or responsibility. It is also a state of being relied upon. In a practical sense, trust means that you place confidence in someone to be honest and faithful to you, and not abandon you. Trust is not a gift; it is a virtue built through experience and over a period of time. Trust is reciprocal. The more you express your trust to others or members of your household, the more they respond to you in trust. Trust grows over time. It takes time to build trust and you need to show your partner that you are trustworthy, and that you trust him/her in return.

    WHY DO WE NEED TO TRUST?

    Because trust is part of our daily lives and the very essence of life depends on it. For instance, you go to bed at night with a perfect plan for the next day, because you trust that you will wake up the next morning. You eat your food with confident that your body network is designed to digest the food.  You go to work daily trusting that the job you closed from yesterday is still there waiting for you.  You breathe freely without bothering to crosscheck the oxygen level or quality of the air.  All these actions are products of trust.

    There is no relationship that can survive an environment devoid of trust. If your marriage must work, you must learn to trust your partner. You need to trust your partner with your life, your past, present and future. Marriage is dependent on the belief that you are loved and accepted the way you are. This fact helps you relax and let down your confidence. Trust makes room for honesty without fear of rejection. The Word of God says: The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil (Proverbs 31:11). When a man trusts his wife, he has the confidence that his wife can take care of certain issues that affect the family. I can never forget some years back when my husband came to my office and handed over a cheque booklet, all signed.

    The reason is that he had found me trustworthy in the area of handling financial matters; therefore, he could trust me with the handling of the money in that account without regretting such action.

    HOW TO BUILD TRUST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

    You need to be truthful

    In building trust in your relationship, you must be truthful. Be truthful to your spouse and family members. Don’t be known to say one thing today and another tomorrow on the same issue. There is no substitute for truth! Your “yea” must be found to be yea, and your “nay” found to be nay. If you are a person with double standards, it becomes difficult to trust you.

    Constantly work on improving your communication skills

    Develop the skill of being a good listener, which is one of the hardest skills to develop. Being a good listener means you don’t interrupt your spouse. This requires great discipline and respect. Learn to ask, “Have you finished?” Always make sure that you’ve fully understood what the other person has said.

    Take responsibility to clearly express your needs

    When a person feels he or she cannot express his needs to the other person, it leads to a break down in trust. We often don’t express our needs for two reasons. Either we are afraid of rejection or a feeling of shame for having such needs.

    Keeping Your Promises

    One of the ways by which you can build trust whether in your family life or in other relationships is by keeping your promises. It will interest you to know that promises have a way of creating excitement. It brings anticipation and hope, and if not kept, it destroys trust. If for any reason you are not able to keep your promises, ensure that a thorough and honest explanation is given for it. It is, therefore, important not to make promises you know you will not be able to keep.

    To build trust in your relationship, you need to surrender your life to Christ first and foremost. You can say this prayer and be born again: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. Deliver me from sin and satan to serve the living God. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom”.

    If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

     

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • Why you should not use abusive words in relationship (2)

    IN this second part, we will be looking at more useful counsel on verbal abuse, a quick reminder of what is regarded as verbal abuse. The use of words that undermines someone’s self-worth and security through insults or humiliation with the intension to control the victim.Spoken words are very power in relationships. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. Contrary to this old saying, verbal abuse can severely damage a person mental health and social development, living lifelong psychological scars.

    Verbal abuse eats up a home slowly because a woman who is constantly humiliated, insulted, called names and yelled at by her husband will have some reservations when it comes to giving her all to the relationship.

    Remember that you can only receive what you give so if you give out love and respect, then you will get same in return. A person you disrespect cannot show you love. Therefore, your behaviour towards your spouse or partner will affect the state of your marriage. Every woman loves to be appreciated and acknowledged by her husband or partner, no matter the situation or circumstances.

    Marriage  gives you the true personality of your spouse, his or her strengths and weaknesses, bearing in mind that you don’t love a person because he or she is perfect. Instead, you love in anticipation that you will be able to bring out the best in the person.

    Husband and wife should learn to speak kind words to each other at all times, most especially in the presence of their children, knowing that children mostly copy and practise what they see their parents do. In addition, comparison should be avoided. Never compare your spouse to someone else, whether a co-worker, a friend’s wife or husband.

    Meanwhile, the truth is that a person you see from afar is easy to admire because your interaction with him or her is superficial. You really don’t know her flaws.  Total acceptance, tolerance and correction with good intension are the keys to a happy home.

    Furthermore, intimacy in marriage is to be enjoyed by husband and wife, so a situation where a man only shows love and care to his wife only when he wants to have sex portrays the woman as a toy with little or no value. If you want a good wife in bed, you must start being nice to her from the beginning.

    You cannot be nasty to your wife all day and expect a good wife at night. That’s really not possible because most women find it difficult to switch from one state of mind to another.  As a human being, our feelings affect our moods most times. You can only be in the right mood when you feel right.

    In the first part of this article, I stated that living with verbal abuse can take a great toll on someone’s health and general well-being, if not handled properly.

    Another way of dealing with issue of verbal abuse is to have effective communication with your spouse about how the way and manner he talks down on you affects you and the relationship and discuss the attitude in a very calm manner, not with a quarrel. If you are not getting any headway through  this means, your next step is to  visit a trained counsellor or speak out to a member of the family for help.

    Don’t be silent because your abuser gains more control when you don’t talk . He might kick against it at the beginning. Learn not to make a force, but keep at it in a nice way and don’t forget to take your situation to God in prayer while you add action to it by doing the aforementioned.

    Think more about yourself than your situation; take good care of yourself and be happy, take up a hobby that you enjoy, register with a gym if possible, exercise is a form of relaxation that makes you feel good with yourself. Nobody have the right to make you miserable.

    Don’t regard his attitude towards you as your fault. Another step is to avoid isolation. Instead, surround yourself with true friends and family members for support.

    Avoid engaging in conflict with your abuser. Be calm when he or she is upset. Don’t give room for him to call you names. Work away if possible without an attitude. Verbal abuse if not handled properly can give room to other form of abuse like physical abuse.

    Don’t get me wrong. I am not an advocate for divorce, but safety is very important and must not be neglected as they seek healthy ways to restore the right attitude towards one another because there is no moral justification whatsoever for a spouse to verbally abuse his or her spouse no matter the action. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng

  • Why you should not use abusive words in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I must appreciate you for your good work. Please, I need your counsel on a particular issue bothering my heart. My husband is fond of using abusive words against me while correcting me.

    He describes me as senseless, stupid and foolish. He tells me he loves me only when he wants to have sex with me which happens once in a while.

    I have called his attention to these happenings, but he remains very adamant. We have been married for six years.

    I am beginning to ask myself if this man really loves me in the first place.

    Help me, please.

    Name withheld, Abuja.

    I must commend you for sharing your story and seeking advice on how to deal with the situation in your relationship with your husband.

    What you are experiencing with your spouse is a form of abuse known as verbal abuse. This kind of abuse is very rampant in relationships, and most times, victims do not attach abuse to it because it is not physical or that it appears subtle and hard to recognize due to the manner it plays out.

    So some victims do not know that they are going through verbal abuse. Considering  what you are passing through, I will start by explaining actions that can be classified as verbal abuse, its effects and steps to take.

    Verbal abuse is explained as constant use of words to undermine someone’s dignity and security through insults or humiliation with the intension to control the behaviour, thoughts and feelings of the person.

    Name-calling, using words like stupid, idiot, fool, useless and so on put your spouse or partner down. Yelling, screaming and swearing at your spouse or partner belittle her.

    Some feel so afraid to be free with their spouse or partner in the process. Victims are constantly “ walking on egg shells” for fear of being told off. They can’t see anything good in their spouse or partner.

    They always find fault. They do not appreciate, no matter how hard the victim tries.  Isolation, intimidation, easy dismissal during conversation, disregard of spouse’s opinion or suggestion and controlling behaviour are signs of verbal abuse.

    You may think that physical abuse is far worse than verbal or emotional abuse, since physical violence can kill or send someone to the hospital and even leave permanent scars on the victim. The scars of verbal or emotional abuse are very real. They run deep.

    In fact, verbal or emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse- sometimes, even more. A skilled abuser can actually destroy his victim’s self- esteem, while at the same time making the person believe that his or her action is done out of care and love.

    On the other hand, verbal abuse can also become so regular that it becomes a normal way of communication. In addition, it makes the victims confused, not really knowing what to believe any more. Their own thoughts or the abusive words said to them, especially from people who claim to love them.

    Other effects of verbal or emotional abuse are fear, anger, bitterness, resentment, insecurity, depression, rejection, eating disorder, psychological trauma and so on.

    One thing married couples should be mindful of is the words they speak to and about each other because the direction of your marriage is determined by the direction of your tongue. To be continued.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj.

  • Don’t be scammed, your boyfriend might be lying

    Don’t be scammed, your boyfriend might be lying

    Attention, attention, attention, girls! Remember that earring you found in his car, but he said he bought for you? Well, it could be that his side chic forgot it in the car.

    And the last time he dashed into the kitchen to inform you that his friend, Emeka, just called him to say that the filling station 10kms away was selling fuel and he had to go, that could just be his other girlfriend calling to confirm a rendezvous. A perfect lie for this season of no fuel.

    Oh my dear, be sure that he did not cancel your last hangout because the other woman insisted on spending time with him. And he might have told you that his boss gave him an emergency call. Of course, you’d let him go because you don’t want him to lose his job.

    Truth be told, scamming comes in different packages and identifying the ruses used by your boyfriend, is key in determining whether you want your relationship to progress or not.  I’m not being partial. I am sure the statistics exist somewhere under the sun, which proves that men lie to their partners more than women do, (don’t ask me for the survey results though, because I don’t have it).

    Don’t get me wrong, lying is universal and one of the sins everyone from every race, regardless of gender or profession, commits. But the male species, especially boyfriends are in a different category.

    So, here are some lies you are likely to have been told and fallen for.

    • When you’ve never met any relative (especially mom): Before you ask, no, friends, “buddies” and colleagues don’t count. Your boyfriend should be proud of you and willing to show you off to important people in his life like his mother, his mentor, the high school teacher that saved him from the life of drugs and living under bridges, his little sister, and so on. Most ladies believe that when their boyfriend introduces them to friends, he is staking a claim. But that’s not true. In fact, some of these so called friends haven’t even been friends with him for long. He might have just met them at a bar and they bonded talking about football and how many girls they’ve conquered. Be wise. And realize that if he hides you or discourages you from meeting his family, then he might be lying to you about something.
    • When you find articles of female clothing in his room or car: We must have all encountered this scenario. You “innocently” open a drawer in his room and see a pair of female underwear that’s definitely not yours. Of course your mind goes wild, you start thinking murder and swear it’d rain fire and brimstone. Finally, when you confront him with the exhibit, he says the underwear is for his sister, she must’ve packed it with his clothes when she was doing laundry. Huh! Like seriously… His sister did that? Dear, don’t be too sure that is true.
    • When a particular phone number keeps calling his line: Of course he won’t save the number with a name you can easily suspect and you will be accused of checking his phone. But girls, do not be deluded into thinking it is wrong for you to do that. In fact, I can assure you that people who claim they don’t check their spouse’s phones are the most culpable.

    So check away. Expectedly, he’d say it’s a friend or a new business partner or his mother’s new line. Don’t be scammed. Granted, he could be telling the truth, but he might be lying too. So copy the number and call. Just hear the voice and cut the call. Now you have your answer. What will you do about it?

    • When he comes home later than usual: It’s a rule of thumb that as soon as your partner starts keeping late night, he has a secret. Do you want to find out what the secret(s) is or are? Then don’t ask him. He might lie, he was out with the boys, the meeting took longer than he expected, there was traffic, the car broke down, there was an accident on the road, blah, blah, blah. All lies! Believe them at your own peril anyway. Trusting your boyfriend should come naturally. When it doesn’t, believe your intuition, sister.
    • When he stops eating your food: Every woman will agree that cooking for your beloved is not always an enjoyable task. But we do it anyway, out of loyalty, love or just because you feel it’s your responsibility. So I can imagine your perplexity when said beloved doesn’t eat the meal you labored over. Excuses are always at hand. He’s tired, he had a late lunch, he has a stomach ulcer, etc. Proceed with caution. If he still doesn’t eat the delicacies you’re preparing, then another woman might be feeding him. Just saying. We all know the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

    To add insult to injury, they will claim they were shielding you from the truth or that you weren’t in the capacity to accommodate the truth. Really! A lie is a lie and saying you didn’t want to hurt me with the truth does not make me feel better. Right?!

    Don’t come to the worst assumption. For every lie you suspect, keep it to yourself and gather enough evidence to support your cause. Being harmed with enough exhibits, he won’t be able to deny your liberation. And you know what they say; the truth will set you free.

    I rest my case… for now at least.

  • Model of legislature-executive relationship

    In a presidential system of government like ours, where the doctrine of separation of powers is deeply enshrined in our constitution, each of the three organs of government enjoys its independence. Indeed, the framers of the deliberately set out to ensure that both the doctrine of separation of powers and principles of checks and balances are adhered to so as to safeguard our democracy from tyranny and dictatorship.

    This is why the executive, legislature and the judiciary are all run and inhibited by different individuals in a manner stipulated by  law.

    As a student of constitutional law and politics, I have overtime come to understand and agree with the  fact that of  the three arms, the legislature enjoys enormous powers more than any other. Perusing through pages of the 1999 constitution, one easily notices that it is replete with so many powers to the legislature.

    While lawmaking is the primary responsibility of the parliament, there are also other powers, functions and responsibilities that are constitutionally discharged by the MPs.

    These include but are not limited to confirmation of nominated ministers, ambassadors and heads of parastatals, powers to investigate any matter, especially those under the exclusive legislative list, summon any person, quasi-judicial powers to investigate and indict, expose corruption, powers over the budget and appropriation or power to approve expenditure of government, confirmation of appointment of Judges, including Justices of the Supreme Court, powers to impeach the president, and so on and so forth.

    The reason why the constitution accords the lawmakers such  powers and responsibilities is borne out of the fact that they are directly elected by the people. In other words, they represent the sovereignty of the people because in a democracy, sovereignty rests with the people.

    More than the two other organs of government, the legislators are the direct and number one custodians of the social contract and the parliament is the heart, nerve and hub of democracy without which there can be no democracy.

    More specifically, in Nigeria, where we have a bicameral legislature, whereas the Senate represents equality of states, the House of Representatives, on the other hand, represents equality of the people.  This is why there is hardly any tribe,  ethnic group or local government in Nigeria that does not have representation in the Green Chamber.

    This explains why the House is popularly referred to as the people’s chamber or House of the Nigerian people.

    Historically, this very important chamber has consistently been led by progressive young leaders and this tradition was upheld on June 9, 2015, when Barrister Yakubu Dogara was elected Speaker.

    Since his historic election, Rt. Hon. Dogara has not left anyone in doubt as to his philosophy, principles and leadership style. The Speaker strongly believes in dialogue, negotiation and consensus building, which are the cardinal pillars of his leadership.

    Today, the rancour and bitterness that trailed the election on June 9 last year have been effectively confined to the dustbin of history as a result of Dogara’s maturity, humility and politics of compromise, which saw the emergence of his opponents as leaders and chairmen of committees in the House.

    No wonder he has continued to enjoy enormous support and loyalty from his colleagues, who acknowledge his transparency and open-door policy.

    As one who opens new frontiers, the relationship between the House and the executive is more than cordial under Dogara’s leadership, as both the speaker and his colleagues are at peace with the ruling party and the government;  working together to deliver good to the people.

    It is his belief that the executive and the legislature must not fight or be engaged in a supremacy battle before they can work to move the nation forward.

    At every opportunity, he emphasises that the primary interest of leaders at all levels should be the people and not their ego or power tussle. At every fora, Dogara would make it clear that the bickering that characterised the relationship between the two arms of government in the past should never be allowed to rear its head again under the change administration of the APC because this government, which came on the promises of change, cannot afford to fail the people.

    Many pundits have asked: why is the parliament not slugging it out with the executive? Why is it that the legislature seems not to be utilising its powers to the fullest? Why is it that the House of Representatives does not adopt  confrontational approach in  relating with the executive? Why are they not fighting the executive?

    Speaker Dogara had cause to provide answers to these questions when he visited Olowo of Owo, Oba Dr. David Victor Folagbade Olateru- Olagbegi in Ondo State recently.

    The speaker underpinned the fact that the House under his leadership does not see their role or relationship as a confrontational one but that of support for whatever the executive is doing to lessen the burden of the Nigerian people and improve their living condition.

    “We don’t adopt a very confrontational posture just for the sake of proving that we have separate powers as allocated to us by the constitution, we cooperate more to ensure that good is delivered to the people,” he stated.

    He maintained that it is only when democracy is threatened that “we raise our voices”, adding, “I remember we have been doing that in this government. How we handled the crisis in Kogi State House of Assembly. It was actually an APC leader who led investigation into the matter and we condemned the impunity even as members of the ruling party. This is change we are talking about.ý”

    It is Dogara’s philosophy that as leaders, their primary responsibility is to work out solutions in the midst of crisis and not add to it or engage in petty squabbles, or issues that constitute distractions.

    Another clear example is the way and manner he handled the crisis that trailed the 2016 Budget as passed by the National Assembly. When concerns were raised by Nigerians and the executive on some provisions of the document, the Speaker adhered to the voices of the people and annouced that the House has resolved to re-examine the document.

    It is his belief that although the powers of appropriation as clearly stated in the constitution is vested in the National Assembly,  such powers should always be exercised with caution so that the public interest is not endangered.

    He has kept to his words, knowing well that working together, the three arms of government can deliver greater good for the greater number of Nigerians and lift them out of abject poverty since the primary purpose of government is the security and welfare of the people. This is also in line with his philosophy of non-confrontational approach to Executive-Legislature relationship.

    This is the change that Nigerians have been yearning for, the change they voted for and the change they need desperately in these difficult times.

     

    • Hassan is Special Adviser,  Media & Public Affairs to Speaker Dogara.