The Nation Newspaper

Tag: Relationship

  • Dealing with commitment in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, Thanks for your counsel on life issues. It’s of great benefit to me. I am beginning to see things differently. That is why I need you to throw light on how to deal with a boyfriend who is afraid of commitment. I am a matured single lady in a relationship.

    Thanks.

    Name withheld, Abuja.

     

    Commitment is one of the most important goals of a sustainable relationship. Thanks for sharing your situation. It will interest you to know the number of people who are experiencing same challenge as you.

    Commitment can be explained as a dedication or rather an obligation that binds a person to a particular person or course of action. It may be made willingly or unwillingly.

    Now, let’s have an overview of the problem at hand before offering solutions. One thing that we must understand is that there are different categories of people in dealing with the issue of commitment in a relationship. Some people may ask for a commitment at the early stage, while others may ask for some type of commitment after a lengthy relationship.

    Individuals with the commitment issue may experience mental distress and emotional difficulty when faced with situations that require their full dedication to achieving a particular goal.

    The term commitment cuts across every aspect of life. In the workplace, for instance, a fear of commitment may lead a person to avoid or reject projects or assignments. This attitude could have a negative impact on the person’s performance or overall effectiveness.

    Also in a relationship, commitment issues may prompt one or both partners to reject the opportunity to pursue a more stable, intimate arrangement such as getting married. However, the factors behind your partner’s inability to commit may stem from variety of issues. While you may consider his fear of commitment of no importance, you need to be open and realize that his perception of the situation is what governs his behaviour.

    Here are some reasons why your partner might find it challenging to be committed. May be your partner may not be genuinely in love with you or may have feelings for someone else. His relationship with you might be on a friendly ground.

    Fear of a loss of identity where he may have to cater to all your needs in fear of making you unhappy and in the process lose himself can be a reason as well. Others causes for lack of commitment in relationships are as follows.

    Fear of being controlled

    Immaturity and the need to remain young

    Fear of a reduced social life with friends or buddies

    Fear of financial responsibility

    Fear of becoming more demanding

    Fear of being “trapped” and losing  sense of freedom

    Fear of the unknown  here, your boyfriend or girlfriend may feel that he/ she is making a life time commitment without having any idea of what is down the road.

    Inferiority complex: A person with low self-esteem will see the other person better as a result commitment becomes difficult. The way forward is this, once you understand that his fear of commitment is really an undefined fear or set of fears within himself, your next move is to attempt to repair this problem by doing the following: bring his possible fears listed above to the surface one by one.

    If you ask him directly why he is afraid to commit, he may be unable to identify the real issues. This is probably because he will only be feeling emotions that are associated with fear and not possess conscious awareness of the label for such emotions.

    Have a meaningful open discussion with him. You may be surprised what this type of conversation may bring and your relationship may become stronger or otherwise. See this as an opportunity to really communicate deep-rooted fears and feelings with each other.

    In addition, it is possible that even with this type of extensive interaction, your boyfriend may continue his pattern. If you see a consistent pattern of avoidance, procrastination and so on after this discussion, then the pattern has a good chance of being around a long time, may be indefinitely.

    If he constantly reassures you, he will make some decision but he never seems to follow through. Then, you need to be honest with yourself about the quality of this relationship as a long-term commitment.

    As painful as this may be, always chasing the elusive carrot as the saying goes is demoralizing and will devalue your self-worth. You might also want to set some time limit within yourself, but try to avoid ultimatums.

    Note that decisions about commitment made by ultimatums rarely work out in a healthy way. So, in the process of dealing with the issue, make sure it is approached the proper way. However, when your own tolerance level is reached, let him know that you can no longer be involved in this relationship and might have to choose to go in another direction. If action is not taken, clarify that it is not an ultimatum, but for the good of the relationship.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • How to cope with insecurity in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I am a 34-year-old working-class lady in a serious relationship with a man I love dearly, but my challenge is that he feels insecure, and I don’t know how to deal with the situation.

    Please, help me.

    Thanks.

    Name withheld,

    Lagos

     

    Thanks for sharing your problem with us. It is important to note that  insecurity in a relationship, whether married or dating, can lead to all sorts of secondary problems, including extreme possessiveness, unwillingness to entertain social options, high expectations for you and low expectations for him, constant self-doubt, small safety zone in which he feels comfortable and social isolation.

    When insecurity is a concern, it needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Before we offer solutions on how to tackle insecurity, it will be nice for us to state some of the likely causes. Remember there is always a reason for an action.

    One of the major factors that can lead to insecurity lies in childhood trauma or life event, especially in a situation where a person experiences lack of parental or family love, growing up or witnessing a bad relationship between parents. This can affect a child’s tender mind.  As a result, he or she might lack trust in future relationships as well.

    Another factor that can lead to insecurity is low feeling of self-worth, if for any reason in the relationship there is the feeling of inferiority complex or the attitude of not good enough for your spouse or partner. Next might be repeated failure in social situations. The negative experience of past relationship that was never treated or addressed can haunt the current relationship, so the person might be struggling with believing in his or her partner or spouse.

    Moreover, other factors that can make a partner or spouse feel insecure in a relationship are perceived or real feelings of inadequacy about physical state, lack of security and stability when growing up or fear of losing a loved one.

    However, here are some useful tips that might be of benefit to you in dealing with the issue of insecurity in a relationship. Try to understand that insecurities are only a symptom of the true problem.  Make effort to assist your partner or spouse, identify the source of the insecurity by providing possible labels, discuss with him or her, ask questions about his action and reason for the feelings that he or she is experiencing.

    Discussing the situation freely will help mend the communication bridge between both of you. This will help your partner or spouse feel that his or her emotions are understood. As a result, it might help to boost self-confidence as the case may be.

    Love conquers all. Your unconditional love will definitely bring your partner out of insecurity.  Learn to be open in your doings, carry him or her along when taking decisions and make his or her opinion count. Try to also give him more attention when he is not asking for it. In addition, use common sense and good judgment when compromising.

    Remember not to give into irrational demands that are only a means of reducing his anxiety caused by his or her insecurity.  In spite of all these, there are certain things you must avoid in the process of dealing with the feeling of insecurity in a relationship. One of them is rejection. This can make your partner or spouse who already has a security issue to feel more insecure.

    Don’t lecture in the process because lecturing him or her on being insecure defeats the entire purpose. He will only see the lecturing as demeaning and just another blow to his or her self-confidence. Also avoid yelling while talking with him; it will only increase his insecurities. If there is no progress after trying the above, don’t hesitate to seek the assistance of a trained counsellor.

    Finally, everyone in one situation or the other is faced with the issue of insecurities, but the real issue here is how we deal with them and how much they affect those around us. Be careful not to begin limiting your life to work around your partner’s or spouse insecurities. Most people in healthy relationship may modify their behaviour at times to meet the needs of other persons. This is regarded as compromise. However, when you begin to lose your identity by compromising too often, then your own feelings of self-worth may have to be explored.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • A must Read: “3 Signs Why Your Sex Life May Need a Makeover”

    A must Read: “3 Signs Why Your Sex Life May Need a Makeover”

    Sponsored Post

    Are you in a relationship?  If so, are you pleased with the amount of sex and intimacy that you are receiving?  Are you unsure?  For many men and women, this question is a lot harder to answer than it looks.

    If you are unsure as to whether or not your sex life is good, it may be time for you to find out?  Why, because if you are pleased with the amount of intimacy that you receive, you should be sure to tell your partner on occasion.  Doing so can help to improve your relationship.  On the other hand, if you are not pleased with the level of intimacy received, it may be time for you to make a change, like experimenting in the bedroom.

    So do you have a good sex life?  To help you get an accurate answer to that question, five signs that your sex life may need improvement are outlined below.

     

    You Find Sex Boring

    Unfortunately, many couples, especially those in long-term relationships, get to a certain point where sex just isn’t fun anymore.  Does it seem more like work or a chore to you?  Being intimate with your partner should not seem like a responsibility that you are required to fulfil.  Instead, it should be fun and exciting.

    Do you reject being intimate with your partner?  Do you put off going to bed with them in fear of being intimate?  If you do, your sex life may need an improvement or a change. Whether you are a man or a woman you need to boost your LIBIDO (urge for sex) and using NATURAL FOOD supplements could help you out very fast. Click here for recommended food supplements

     

    Weak Erection or Quick Ejaculation

    As a man, when you get intimate with your partner, do you achieve maximum pleasure?  If not, your sex life may be in serious trouble.  Weak erection and quick ejaculation are the predominant reasons for the lack of maximum sexual satisfaction in a relationship. You need to know how to stay during sex. Eating natural fruits like Watermelon and Banana could help boost your erection, but this won’t happen overnight. However, using natural food supplements like Royal Jelly, Ginkgo Plus, Vitalize or Revive will produce a faster result without any side effect. These food supplements are better than drugs. See more information about them here

     

     Sex Feels Like a Responsibility

    As it was previously stated, being intimate with your partner should not seem like work or a responsibility that you must fulfil. If it does, it is time for you to change.  Be spontaneous. Initiate sex yourself, as opposed to waiting for your partner to do so. And if you are suffering from a low sperm count, quick ejaculation, weak libido or as a woman, you’ve lost your sexual urge for your partner, then taking food supplements like those mentioned above are highly recommended.

    Also, spice up your intimacy by experimenting in the bedroom with a new position or simply just have relations at a different time and place.  Whatever approach you do take, be sure to do something.  Do not let an otherwise healthy relationship fail because sex is something that you would rather avoid.

    So do you have a happy and healthy sex life?  If not, remember that there are a number of steps that you can take to make an improvement in your levels of satisfaction.

  • How to avoid mistakes in relationship (2)

    HERE are more useful tips that will be of great assistance to those who have been out of relationships for a while and people who are of age that at the verge of going into a relationship for the first time.

    In the previous edition, we mentioned the following: making your first date short and casual, letting go of the past, personal space, getting a life and avoiding unnecessary jealousy.

    This review is necessary for readers who are joining us for the first time. Total dependence can put a strain on your relationship; always depending on your friend or partner can affect your relationship. When you keep asking from a person all the time, let’s face it we are human, it will get to a point where the person cannot take it any longer.

    The effect is that less attention or avoidance will then set in because of the constant demands.   Relationships thrive when there is a level of independence, a situation where you don’t solely rely on your partner or friend for everything. It will interest you to know that most of the mails I receive from those seeking relationships or life partners have financial independence as the common requirement in demand.

    This goes to show that majority do not want liability. Besides it pays a lot to be empowered no matter the situation. Next is to try as much as possible to know your place; it is very important to know and maintain your position in a relationship. Some people misinterpret certain actions to suit their personal intension without seeking proper clarification. Avoid playing the role of a wife or husband until you are declared one.

    In addition, unrealistic expectation cannot be left out when mentioning mistakes in relationships; expectations are good, but must be discussed together. After all, everybody goes into a relationship for instance with some level of expectation, depending on individual needs, but the challenge is when such expectations are not actualized because of the fact that they are not practical. This can affect the relationship.

    Knowing the warning signs: The signs are always there when the relationship is no longer the same, but in most cases, people seem to ignore the signs by not addressing necessary issues.  Numerous indicators can warn that a relationship may be heading for the rocks or at least for some sandbars.

    Avoid taking things for granted and be observant. Many get carried away without taking note of certain details. It is always proper to use your head in matters of the heart.

    However, setting of boundaries must not be neglected in avoiding mistakes in relationships because boundaries define who you are, it reinforces the fact that you are different and unique from others. Boundaries explain what you think and feel, as well as what you are ready to tolerate.

    They also define your preferences, your likes and dislikes. Most importantly boundaries help you determine for what you are and are not responsible. A healthy dating relationship requires good, solid and well-defined relational boundaries.

    Lack of patience for the relationship to take its natural course: Taking it slowly allows you to get to know each other better with time. Most relationships can be classified into four stages. The initial stage is the period when you are simply testing the waters to see if you like the person or not.

    Then, next is regarded as the infatuation stage. This is the time you are madly in love with the person and absolutely blind to his or her faults. This can drag on for a long time, everything is happening so fast.

    Thirdly is the stage of reality bite which occurs when you suddenly discover that your perfect friend or partner is not that perfect after all. Finally is the stage where you are caught between staying and maintaining the relationship in order to advance to the next level or let go of the relationship and move on.

    Therefore, with a clear understanding of the various stages gives the ability to take things easy by allowing the relationship grow at its own pace without rush.  Trying to change your friend or partner to suit your specification is always a big mistake.

    Our personalities are different. So, in a situation where you go into a relationship with the mindset to change the other person is not a good idea because you can only change yourself, not your friend or partner, but knowing and accepting the fact that everybody has their strength and weakness is a better approach instead. Don’t try to change them. What you can do is to learn how to accept them for who they are.

    Being too desperate to get into a relationship is a major and universal mistake, especially for those who feel that time is running out. Biological clock is ticking fast. As a result, they panic and are ready to settle for any one so long they are in a relationship. Wanting a relationship is just not the same as waiting to be in a relationship with a special person.

    Finally, putting the above points into consideration will help your avoid certain mistakes for your relationship to run smoothly and for your protection from the pain of contemporary dating pitfalls. As a result, you will be on your way to building a loving and lasting relationship.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • How to avoid mistakes in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I want to go into a relationship after a long break. Please, counsel me on the mistakes to avoid in relationship. Thanks.

    Mr. David,  Akwa.

     

    Making up your mind to date again after a long break simply shows that you have actually overcome your past situation and that you are now prepared to open a new chapter.

    It is always good to be ready before going into a relationship because it helps you to avoid repeated occurrences of your previous experience. Relationships have their ups and downs just like every other aspect of life. Don’t forget that it has to do with humans and by nature we are not perfect even with our strength.

    Everybody has its challenges, but the ability to understand this fully puts us in a better position to learn to be tolerant and not neglecting the golden rule which is “do unto others what you want them to do to you”.

    Great relationships don’t happen overnight. Just like your daily chores, they need time, effort and dedication. Therefore, relationship is an investment like a bank account. What you put is what you get. Before I proceed, permit me to state that the counsel is not for children and teenagers.

    This clarification is important because I have young readers. For my young ones, there is time for everything. Concentrate on your goals and visions. Avoid every distraction because the sky is not just your limit, rather it is your starting point.

    Moving on, as you work towards building a successful relationship, it is very important to note that there are some common mistakes that should be avoided. Hopefully, this might be of great benefit for you who have been off relationship for a long time and for those who are of age and feel that it is time for them to start a relationship.

    Firstly, as you are on a first date with your friend, try to be yourself. Avoid putting up appearance to suit the person. Since it’s your first time of having a conversion with the person, don’t volunteer too much information upfront because when you share too much at the beginning, it’s as if you are verbally pouring out too much words on the person and most times it puts people off. Instead, make your first date short and causal.

    Most people make the most ridiculous mistake on their first outing. They get really intense, so as a result, they start asking deep questions and staying up late trying to know everything in one day. Allow things to progress gradually. Give yourself a curfew, if the date is in the evening. It shows a sense of responsibility and respect.

    Most times, people bring their pervious baggage to their present relationships, and this affects the way and manner they handle their relationships. Whatever you might have gone through is in the past now. Leave it in the past, learn from it and move on. Beside, this person is different with his or her unique qualities. Avoid comparing notes and assumptions, rather give the person the opportunity to prove him or herself. Keep an open mind.

    Next is personal space. No matter how excited and in love you are, it is very important for everyone to have their space.  Accepted that at the beginning of a relationship, all you want is to spend most of your time with the person, countless visits, constant text messages and endless phone calls and so on.  Enjoying each other’s company is not a bad idea, but with caution because as the relationship advances someone will start feeling choked by the whole scene and might need his or her space to be left alone to do things on their own. Most people, no matter what, just love their space sometimes. Understanding this factor will be of great help in sustaining relationships.

    Another point is that you must get a life. For some people, once they are involved in a relationship, they put their lives on hold. They have become so consumed with finding someone to meet their needs and give them a sense of significance. As a result, they have lost their identity. Things that matter to them become irrelevant as long as it is not in line with their partners’ or friends’ wish all in the name of being in a relationship.

    While you are going into a relationship or you are in a relationship, get grounded. It is the foundation for getting a life. It is all about having a solid identity and sense of self. Know who you are, appreciate the fact that you are complete and whole. What makes relationships thrive is when both parties have a life. When you have a life of your own, you are attractive to others.

    In addition, avoid unnecessary jealousy, the feeling of wanting to know the happenings in your partner’s life. Checking his or her phone or getting worked up over every move (insecurity) can put off someone.  Take the relationship one day at a time and allow it to grow naturally.  Don’t force it.

    To be continued

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • GENERAL PYPE: MY RELATIONSHIP WITH JULIET IBRAHIM

    GENERAL PYPE: MY RELATIONSHIP WITH JULIET IBRAHIM

    He charged the Nigerian music scene in 2009 when he remixed the hit single, ‘Champion’ in which he featured the late Dagrin and other stars. Since then, not much has been heard from Olayiwola Ibrahim Majekodunmi aka General Pype. But in this interview with ADEWOYIN ADENIYI, the artiste who stole music lovers’ hearts with his Jamaican patois style of music speaks about his comeback, relationship with screen diva, Juliet Ibrahim and other issues.

    YOU’VE been off the music scene for some time now, what has been happening to General Pype?

    Over the years I have been putting Obalende Records together because anything without proper planning is never going to come out fine. So, I’ve been making some songs, recruiting a team that I work with because it’s pointless if you don’t have everybody in place.

    How true are rumours that your former record label prevented you from releasing songs due to court injunctions?

    There was no such court injunction and I didn’t have any restriction on recording or dropping songs. As a matter of fact, my relationship with the said record label wasn’t the issue because officially I wasn’t really signed to Storm Records. When I discovered that they didn’t even have any legal obligation to help my brand, I felt like, why were they putting my name up on their website and not doing anything to help me? I had to move on and go restart my career, having the mindset that if anything goes wrong, I will be the one to get the blames.

    Why did it take you so long to return to the scene?

    Over the years, I’ve been trying to drop a song or two, which takes us to the fact that without planning in place, everything is useless. So when I saw the reactions to the songs that I put out without promotion, I had to go back to the drawing board to rearrange my team and myself.

    How do you plan to make a comeback especially as others seem to have picked up the baton?

    Let’s get this straight; there is no way I ever get to compete with them. There is no competition at all. I can never be them and they will never be me and if there is anything like respect for those who deserves it, I am one of those pioneers in my generation to ever have the guts to want to sell reggae music to the Nigerian market. Them no worry me. General Pype is the magnificent seven stars general, nobody touch that.

    Do you feel that your genre is getting the respect it deserves?

    If I start comparisons like this, then there is no respect in it at all. I will never ever compare myself to Daddy Showkey or my Baba, Majek Fashek. He is a very close person to me and we talk once in a while with so much respect. Because this is what I do for a living, this is what I intend to build my whole Jubasticuline on so there should be a level of respect set aside. It’s like a blessing to me because imagine only me doing reggae in Nigeria; we might not have the chance to have like a reggae festival or a reggae show. So when we have people doing reggae, we can call four to ten names on the bill and we can have a real reggae event.

    Don’t you feel threatened that Patoranking is making waves right now?

    If you listened to me for the past two three minutes, you should understand what I’m saying. There is nothing like threat, no competition and no doubt in my heart. Moreover, entertainment is like legal drug money. Nobody is touching anybody’s money.

    Why don’t reggae artistes collaborate with each other since reggae is about one love?

    It depends on what angle we are looking at it from. Like in Jamaica, even the thieves in Jamaica have a union. When I dropped Champion then, the producer will not give the beat to only me, he will give it to every available dancehall reggae musician in town and he will be like don’t make it look like say that guy better pass you. You sef show your talent on the same beat.

    There is this oneness of purpose in reggae music but if you hear this reggae artiste talking about one love and the other one talking about another thing there is no oneness in the whole thing. It is something I can’t control but over the years everybody that has shown interest in reggae, I have always shown them ultimate love.

    You have a new single out there, All The Loving, where you featured Burna Boy and Phyno. How is the new single doing?

    It’s just me trying to do a wicked home chattered dancehall package and luckily Burna and Phyno were present, so we all put our efforts together to make it happen.

    Is the video dropping soon?

    Yes pretty soon.

    How is Obalende records faring?

    Obalende Records is doing fine. We are working with only General Pype right now because we have to successfully put General Pype out there before we talk about other artistes.

    Why the name Obalende?

    Thank you for that. The fact that I do a crossover kind of music at some point in my life I might not be available or around this part of the world and whenever you hear my music and you see Obalende you don’t need to be told where General Pype is from. I just need something to show love and respect and to associate myself and stamp my neighborhood on the map.

    Going back to the song that brought you fame, Champion, you had the likes of Sasha P, the late Da Grin and Vector who wasn’t well known then; will you say that song brought Vector to limelight?

    I and vector were together since school days at Saint Gregorys College, Ikoyi. So, we’ve always been like that. When I sing and he raps it’s always like iron sharpens iron. Vector has got his own vibe. If some people recognised him or noticed him from Champion, fine, but I have never thought of it like, oh I brought Vector the limelight. I am even grateful for the fact that he came to show his vibe on my song.

    What was your relationship with the late Dagrin?

    I met Dagrin through Sheyman. Sheyman was like Aburo mi kan wa nibi to gbadun eh gan (My little brother is here who likes you so much). I was like oh my God, I can’t wait to meet the person. I sat outside and the moment he came in, I was like, waa na you be Dagrin? (Are you Dagrin?). He was like ah General baba blablabla.

    Since that day till the time he passed he never called me General Pype. It was always Baba Baba and that day that we recorded Champion remix in Parkview estate, it was raining.

    I remember vividly it was triple nine, 9th of September 2009. He came in that day. everybody was like, “ah who is going on this thing first.” but he said, “Baba se kinlo so ro?” (should I go and tell them). I was like, tell them why you’re different, tell them why you are great.

    It’s like you really miss Dagrin…

    I miss the guy a lot. I miss him so much.

    What are the things you miss about him?

    I just miss the fact that he was just so real. He was very real guy, forget all the whole entertainment illusions. Dagrin was a very humble guy, very kind and thoughtful. He used to come to a place in Victoria Island, where me and Vector used to do cover performances. Vector will do Jay Z cover songs and I will do Sean Paul and Dagrin will just come and sit there in the midst of the whole people and as soon as we get paid, I will be like, padi take something. Even though our pay wasn’t more than six thousand naira I will give him two thousand naira.

    The most painful part of our relationship is the fact that when he was in the hospital, I was just waiting for the day that he will get out and I will slap him on the head and say why would you do such a thing but I didn’t get to do that. It was so painful.

    A day before he died, I was supposed to see him at the hospital. I was supposed to go with my Ex who was a media person. She told me she’ll be going there because they had some media passes. But I said no, I don’t want to see him in that state, I want him to come home first which he never did. May his soul rest in peace.

    Are you saying you regret the fact that you didn’t get to see him before his demise?

    Yeah, like my dad will say, you don’t need to have billions for you to show love or show how generous you are. Your time, presence and kind messages alone will go a long way. I was waiting for him to return and I would visit him during the recovery process but I regret the fact that I didn’t go there to check on him.

    Ever since Dagrin’s death and the arrival of Olamide, people have been comparing both rappers. Since you know both artistes on a personal level, do you think there is basis for comparison?

    If you check the industry now, it is not only Olamide that is doing the Yoruba rap and making money off it. We have the likes of Reminisce. The time gap between Dagrin and Olamide wasn’t that much, so in my opinion not to smear the memory of my friend, it’s not like Olamide stole Dagrin’s rhyme book and he has been singing all this years, dropping great songs back to back. He is just a great artiste.

    Dagrin opened the way. I believe that, if it wasn’t for people like Dagrin, Olamide might end up doing the Yankee style of rap. People like Dagrin gave birth to the rise of the likes of Phyno, Olamide and the rest but Olamide is a very talented guy which nobody can take that away.

    You once featured on Juliet Ibrahim’s song, what’s your relationship with Juliet Ibrahim?

    She’s just a kind, loving and sweet person and her personality is why I even wanted to listen to the song that she featured me on because you will be like ah all this actress sef and it wasn’t like I had any buzz in town then. It was just that she felt my person and vibe so she just called me up on that song which I’m grateful for.

    It was also rumoured that you once dated Juliet Ibrahim…

    Yes, from longtime but it never happened.

    Maybe she’s not your taste or don’t you like light-skinned girls?

    She’s a beautiful lady but trust me I’ve got my family and she’s got hers. The era that I met her then, there were lots of babes. It’s nice of her to be in the catalog of the people that I know and that knows me.

  • ‘Why Premarital sex is not immoral’

    ‘Why Premarital sex is not immoral’

    The subject matter of premarital sex whenever it pops up in social discussions is one that is bound to engender loads of altercations and contentions especially as regards the rightness or wrongness of it. This simple yet complex social issue is one deserving of utmost attention, especially in our contemporary social setting that is fraught with decrepit logic and unsubstantiated justifications for the positions adopted by the opinionated segments of the society.

    The question as to the justification of premarital sex or sex wholly, is one that ought to be answered or approached from the aspect of morals or naturally negative/positive consequence(s). When one relishes in a vista of what is obtainable in our society today, the reverse is the reality.

    However, a problem arises when we either as individuals or as a society, try to appraise practical social issues that borders on the natural existential conditions of man in the society with arcane religious/metaphysical abstractions. The consequence is a logical error which takes the form of a naturalistic fallacy. This is because the question of “sex” is one that is intrinsically tied to the individual’s personal choices and natural freedom and constitutes one of the fundamental individual/human right(s). Sex, matrimonial or pre-matrimonial, is similitude to freedom. It is one of the things the freedom to exercise which gives the individual person a sense of humanity and natural self realization as an entity.

    Denying a self actualizing and free moral agent the freedom to make this choice is similar to slavery. This is because you enslave a particular aspect or element of the individual person and this very act has deeper psychological consequences on the individual and for the society at large. It is inhibitive of the individual’s natural potential seeking manifestation/realization in spatiotemporal reality and degrades the worth of the human person in the same way that slavery does.

    Perspicuously, to the question – “Is premarital sex wrong?” my answer is in the negative, there is nothing wrong with premarital sex. When the question is further rephrased and presented in religious terms –“Is premarital sex a sin?” I will say that the latter is not a question because it has no sociological or natural basis in the comity of morals. Supposed it was, and then the answer will be a capital NO! The justification for this is because one cannot use relative religious prejudices as a yardstick for appraising or judging issues that has universal natural underpinnings.

    This is because religion is relatively arcane and seats atop cerebrumendiformity (an epistemic state in which a person sees his/her own ideas as being perfect and absolute, thereby rejecting any form of criticism, opposition or opinion to the contrary. It is a form of epistemic bigotry). We should be addressing the question of premarital sex in the light of morals because it has to do with the negative/positive consequences of the act and the effects of such actions on the human society.

    Consequently, premarital sex is not wrong because the very act is the actuality of a natural potential inherent in the human person and involves two consenting individuals exercising their natural rights to self actualization. More so, there is no reasonable argument or prove to substantiate that two individuals making use of their natural endowments or exercising it to seek self-realization is contrary to nature.

    As some would have us believe that premarital sex is inherently bad and religiously gross, there is no rational or biological prove that shows that when two consenting individuals engage in premarital sex, that something contrary to nature happens or that the laws of nature becomes violated. Premarital sex can only be wrong if we can be able to establish with logical and empirical facts that having sex or sexual gratification is not a natural phenomenon. Otherwise, a religious basis that denies consenting individuals their fundamental right to sexual self-realization constitutes a metaphysical superfluous. It is a crime against nature.

    Premised on the above, premarital sex only becomes bad or immoral when the consequences of the act brings about unnecessary burden on other members of the society or just like rights when it becomes a problem and or infringes on the rights of others. Otherwise, any claims to the contrary are illogical and unfounded. Denying individuals their right to sexual liberty base on religious or cultural conventions or for any other reason similar to, can only be justified by intellectual poverty.

    On the contrary, virginity till after marriage is not a thing of pride; it only reduces the entire worth and dignity of the human person down to their sexual organs. The human being is worth more than that. In a civilized epoch like ours, such deprecate make-believe systems that attaches greater value to the sexual organs more than the human brain with all it has, can and will still achieve is a debase and morally crass way of thinking that deserves to be done away with.

    Conversely, the supposed terminus ad quem of this clumsy religious and social make-believe system which was to tame the sexual urge/disposition(s) of the young and single stratum of the society has conspicuously been defeated, hence, a need to be practical and realistic in our approach to this natural phenomenon. The uncouth act of painting the natural disposition of sex among the unmarried groups in our societies and the need for enjoying sexual self-realization has resulted in many, engaging in unsafe sexual practices clandestinely in this disease ridden age for fear of being castigated upon by the society, resulting in the spread of many sexually transmitted disease(s) (STD) like gonorrhea, syphilis, staphylococcus aureus, HIV, etcetera.

    In Latin, it is often said: “Nemo dat quod non habet” which means “no one can give what he does not have”. It logically follows that sexual self-realization is not a disposition characteristic of exclusively married couples, but it is something that can also be found within the unmarried ones. These dispositions are not imagined like the make-believe systems that proscribes them. The characteristics are expressed because they are natural in the first place. If the unmarried were devoid of this characteristic, it would have been axiomatic that sex is restricted to married couples. You can only give out what you have.

    The preservation of one’s sexual organs till after marriage under the linguistic and cultural cloak of virginity has no special benefits on the individuals neither does it contribute to societal development or entail high moral standard. One can be a virgin and be both socially and morally vile. One can also be freely having sex and still maintain high moral standards. In a sense, the arguments for virginity being the mother of religious and social ethos only hypes hypocrisy and augments the individual’s delusional level when it comes to morals. If there is any part that should and really counts in the human body then it is the human brain.

    This is where morality and reason resonates and not between the legs. People are respected for their ideas and what they can contribute to the development of their societies and to the betterment of the human lot at large, and not for being the longest conscious or unconscious virgins. I’m not kicking against virginity for being bad; my point is it should never be used as a yardstick for judging an individual’s moral standing, neither should any individual be denied natural sexual self-realization on the basis of sex being exclusively reserved for the married.

    Proactively, having proved to a reasonable extent the moral justification for premarital sex, and defending it in the light of it being a natural characteristic of the human person, and also taking into cognizance the highlighted excesses resulting from the practices of it, seeking how we can ensure a sexually safer society becomes what is pertinent as opposed to the denial of it. What we should be doing is carrying out both private and public orientation and re-orientation as regards the issue of sexual intercourse. We need to educate the masses both the married and unmarried on how to practice safe sex instead of expending energy to deny the reality. It is colossally hypocritical and foolish for one to think that the unmarried stratum of the society should stop engaging in sexual activities simply because cultural or religious conventions tag it “BAD”.

    The family, the religious and educational institutions, private/public organizations all has a role to play in stopping this menace. We can save millions of lives annually by giving people proper sexual education rather than acting in a bigoted manner and ignoring the obvious. Sexual discussions should be encouraged within the family, peer groups, the school classrooms, etcetera in order to promote sexual literacy and for us to be able to build a more progressive society. The subject matter of sex shouldn’t be something that is regarded as a taboo or sacrilege and thus excluded from the circles of public discourse only to be talked about in the closet.

    We need a revaluation of what we qualify as morals. We need a radical social shift when it comes to our view of sex. What we should be talking about is ensuring that it is consensual, and not something that is forced by one party on another. And also that the persons involve be ready to take full responsibility for whatever be the outcome of their choice, rather than wasting time and energy to deny the natural. Choice is a fundamental right of every individual person and no individual deserves to be robbed of this fundamental right so long as it does not infringe on the choices of others.

    I’ll submit by calling on people of all nations to rise, unite and fight against that which denies any individual person his/her fundamental liberty to utilize and to express his/her freewill.

     

    By: Patrick Benblag

    The Concerned African

    He writes from Calabar, Cross River State.

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  • How to cope with sudden change of attitude in relationship

    Good day ma, I am a big fan of yours. I sincerely appreciate your useful counsel. Please, I need your advice.

    I am emotionally down. My girlfriend for some years has now changed. I really don’t understand her attitude any more.

    Ever since she relocated to a different state for work, she is not the same person.

    Please, help me.

    Thanks.

    Name withheld, Abuja.

     

    Thanks for your text message; I must commend you for sharing your story. As human, we yearn for instinctive need for love, protection and security.

    These are feelings associated with being in a relationship and once any aspect is affected, you feel hurt. It is natural, but the ability to evaluate your situation and be truthful to yourself is very important.

    Based on your message, it is difficult to know why your girlfriend has changed because I have so few details about the relationship, but here are some useful tips that might be of help to you in a time like this.

    Try not to jump to conclusions about issues. People behave in different ways for different reasons, so it will be a good idea to have a conversation with her first.

    Find out from her why the sudden change of attitude and in the process, tell her all your observations and how the change is affecting you.

    Learn to keep an open mind. More so, listen attentively, removing every assumption. In situation like this, it is very important to talk with the person involved directly. The reason is that it will help you understand the reason behind the action.

    Remember, you are no mind reader, so the only way for you to know the intension of a person is actually by talking with the person. However, if you have difficulty communicating, then seek a professional counselling together before you propose to her. It is easier sometimes to talk to a stranger than to relatives or friends.

    During talking therapy, the trained counsellor will listen to you and help you find your own answers to problems, without judging you. The counsellor will give you time to talk, cry, shout, or think. It is an opportunity to look at your problems in a different way with someone who will respect and encourage your opinions and the decision you make.

    This would help you to gain some clarity and give you an idea of where the relationship is, your feelings about it, then the things you could do yourself to make some changes. You can only work on changing yourself not another person. Many couples undergo premarital counselling. You need to be certain that getting married is the right choice for the right reason with the right person.

    In addition, it is important that couples correct all problems in the relationship before they get married. Marriage will not automatically fix the problems in a relationship. The same problem that exists before marriage will exist after marriage if not handle properly.

    It is a very wise idea and I would highly recommend it in this situation, but if she refuses to go with you, then she wouldn’t benefit from therapy. A person needs first to admit that there’s something wrong and be willing to work on it, for therapy to stand a chance.

    Next is self-evaluation. On your part, it is necessary you check yourself because sometimes we just don’t realize how our words or actions are perceived. Note, often times, the people around us, including our loved ones won’t even tell us. In some cases, they don’t know how to articulate it, and other times, they give us passive, aggressive or silent treatment just to make us uncomfortable and to punish us for being insensitive.

    Furthermore, acceptance in matters that affect the heart is vital. Whatever explanation she gives should be accepted. It might not be what you want to hear. If she tells you in the process of conversation or you trying to make things work that she doesn’t feel the same way, listen, respect her decision and move on.

    It might not be easy. You will be emotionally traumatize, but you will definitely heal naturally,  because it is better for you to have a broken heart that can be amended with time than for you to have a broken marriage since you intend proposing to her soon. It takes two people who are in love to have a successful marriage defeating every odd together. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine, blog; liwh.com.ng

  • How media ruined my relationship

    How media ruined my relationship

    Morihanfe Oluwaseun Oluwabamidele, popularly known as Sean Tizzle in music circles, has come a long way before attaining fame when he released his 2013 hit song ‘Sho le’ which was rated as a direct hit from the day of its release. He speaks with ADEWOYIN ADENIYI about his journey to fame, soon-to-be-released collaboration with US singer, Tory Lanez, upcoming album and diverse issues.

    WHO is Sean Tizzle?                       I hail from Ondo State, Ilaje precisely. I’m from a family of five and I’m the second to the last;although I was the last born for a couple of years before my parents decided to have one more. So I kind of had all that special treatment even though I’m not from a rich home. I was born with a silver spoon but I don’t know how my dad used it so I didn’t grow with the silver spoon.

    How did your journey into the music world start?

    My late uncle who worked at the Ikeja High Court told me to come over for a job interview,which I did. Onthe day of interview, I wore my father’s suit and his shoe too which was obviously too big for me. I had to put tissue inside the shoe so it can size me. I did a written interview which I passed and then it was time for oral interview and it was my turn.The interviewer looked at me and asked me to sing for him instead of asking me to spell or do something from the book. I thought he was joking. So I sang my favourite R Kelly’s song, You Saved Me.The man was surprised. That was how I passed the interview and got the job. From that moment I said ‘this music thing, I’m going to give it all it takes.’

    Will you say that experience motivated you to do more?

    I won’t really say it did because even as at then it just happened. I got home and told my parents about it and they were like,’ok, cool.’ When I remember these things that happened then I will be like maybe I was just meant to do this though I couldn’t talk about it then because nothing happened. So talking about it then wouldn’t make sense to anyone but when the brand Sean Tizzle came out…

    In what ways has school helped you?

    I actually learnt a lot in school because where I grew up, it was very difficult to speak good English because it was a ghetto. I didn’t even know how to speak Pidgin English. I was in Ajegunle for a while with my cousin and we said,’come, we have to learn this pidgin first.’Then after we learnt pidgin, my cousin said we had to upgrade to speaking good English oh, because how do we talk to these girls if we can’t speak good English?So we had this evening routine we used to do then; we showered, look good and go for girls hunting. When we returned from our hunting and you tried to narrate to me about the girl you spoke with, you had to tell me in English.

    So, basically you trained yourself on how to speak English?

    Yes, that’s right.

    Which means girls actually triggered your decision to learn how to speak English?

    Yes o, because I was like I have to connect with these girls oh. I no fit dey lose fine girls like this o (laughs). So it was like a competition among us. We competed on who has most girls and speaks more good English so the dictionary was our friend because we were always searching for new words to use. Then I grew up watching foreign movies just because I wanted to learn how to speak English.I remember when I went to spend time with my elder sister who is late now and I used to buy foreign albums a lot then so I bought this Wyclef’s album and was playing it and my sister’s husband was like,’Seun, did you hear that?’ I said no. He was like ‘so, you don’t listen to this people you just dey buy their album.’ He then told me to start listening to the lyrics that it’s normal English they speak. That was how I started grabbing what they were saying in their songs. That is why I cannot avoid putting lyrics in my songs.

    At what point did you meet D’tunes?

    I met D’tunes about 2008 when I was in a group of three called 2B1. I left my father’s house to stay with my uncle who was also a gospel musician then and we were in a gospel group together too.That was when I met Wole Oni, Foster Zino, and George Nathanielat Clark Studio in Ikeja. Then Kcee and Presh just won this Star Talent hunt. I could remember Wole Oni chased us home one time and gave us a CD with vocal training inside that we should go and train with it.

    We had to record a song before the guy who wanted to sign us returned, so we went to D’tunes even though we didn’t have the complete amount he charged us and he played different beats for us to freestyle on hoping to come back the next day to record. Then the third day I got a call from D’tunes saying he’s been trying to reach me for days now and I had this bad phone then that didn’t ring out, it was always on vibration so whenever it vibrates it goes off.

    He said he wanted me to come over, that he has this beat he wanted me to jump on and I went. We did a song that day called Oh and a guy called Keem came in with his artiste while we were recording and he was like,’wow, this song is so cool’ because I was still young then and my voice was still tiny. Wande Coal was my role model back then. The guy told D’tunes I would like to work with this guy and that was how the whole signing thing started.

    You were once accused of bleaching your skin…

    The media just come out with a lot of unconfirmed reports. You don’t know me from anywhere and you just decide to criticise me. I never bleached my skin. Before the fame, I used to be this guy that likes editing pictures because I thought that it would make me look fresh which was the same mistake I made with the pictures I posted then. I posted a picture that I edited that same way as it was already a part of me to use filters on my pictures but unluckily for me it backfired and people assumed that I bleached my skin. Sebi na me you dey see so, I resemble person wey bleach?  So now I just drop my pictures the way it is now, I don’t edit anymore.

    Basketmouth also accused you of refusing to perform at his show…

    That case I don’t even know anything about.He has my contact and he didn’t even try to buzz me direct. I know nothing about what he said. Life in this industry is so crazy.

    How often do you club?

    I club once in a while. Emi ti mo bi ile seri se ti awon obi mi barimi se won ni ma wo npe se omo nka ti onse bayi (I know where I am coming from, what if my parents see me popping, won’t they ask if I haven’t gone astray?)

    Does that mean you’re scared of your parents?

    No, it’s not a part of me because of the way I was raised.Clubbingwasn’t that much back then unlike now that you have clubs almost everywhere.

    Why didn’t you renew your deal with MTN?

    I don’t even know what happened but what I have to say is that I have to put in more work on myself.

    Let’s talk about your soon to drop song with Tory Lanez..

    That song will blow your mind, believe me, because it’s so different that when you listen, you won’t believe that’s Sean Tizzle singing. I did the song last year when I shot Abeg video. WhenI went to US this year for about two months, I had a tour that ended late February and I had to record with Tory Lanez in March.I thought I was going to release the song in April so that was why I stayed long in the States. But it’s coming out pretty soon. This new song and my coming album will definitely blow people’s mind. My album will be dropping this year. It’s one of the best things to come out of Africa at large. And we are shooting a video to the song very soon. Just watch out.

    Do you think Nigerian artistes are getting close to grabbing Grammy award?

    Yes, but to be sincere, we have to give them what they want which is good music. Truly, we’ve seen African artiste’s who have won Grammy award but they just give it to us in African category. What I hope for is for Nigerian artistes to be nominated in the same category. For example, having Sean Tizzle nominated with the likes of Adele, Kanye, and Tory Lanez in the same category. No African or American category separately.

    It was rumoured that you were in a relationship with Dj Cuppy…

    No, we were not dating. She’s just my friend and we are cool like that. People just took it wrong,although I like her for so many things.

    Were you crushing on her?

    Yes, I was.

    Did you express it to her?

    I told her before but she was in school then and she was trying to focus on her education. When the media put that out she didn’t take it too lightly and that kind of affected the relationship. But me I go go work that work to come tell her back say what’s up girl, can we do it again?

  • Building trust in your relationship (4)

    DEAR Reader, I welcome you to this last edition of the teachings of this month. The Lord is good and His mercies endure forever. He has been faithful to His Word!  I hope you have been taking time to follow the series of teaching that have been coming your way since the month began? You shall not fail in your relationship in Jesus’ name! In my first lesson, I taught on “How You Can Build Trust”. The second lesson, I taught on “Relationship”, and in the third teaching, I showed you the relationship between family members and others around us. Today, I want to show you the Benefits of Building Trust in Your Relationship.

    What are the Benefits of Building Trust in Your Relationship?

    It brings Intimacy

    Intimacy is defined as “a feeling of being intimate and belonging together, close in friendship or acquaintance”. What trust does in any relationship is to bring people close together, with a sense of true belonging to one another in an atmosphere of true friendship. Intimacy is one of the benefits of trust. Trust is very fundamental in building a successful relationship. True and lasting intimacy can only be built with trust as its backbone. Just as building trust takes time, so does intimacy; it does not just grow naturally, and it is not something that can be enforced. Intimacy will only come when everyone feels a sense of safety and confident in the integrity of the other person involved.

    Any family that enjoys intimacy must of a necessity command the blessings of the Lord. The Word of God says: Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity! It is like the precious ointment upon the head, that ran down upon the beard, even Aaron’s beard: that went down to the skirts of his garments. As the dew of Hermon, and as the dew that descended upon the mountains of Zion: for there the Lord commanded the blessing, even life for evermore (Psalm 133:1-134:1).

    Children brought up in an atmosphere of true intimacy are usually very emotionally balanced. They find it easier to resist and overcome peer pressures, because they feel so much love and affection from their family members. I want you to know that intimacy involves both physical and emotional interaction. It helps one to be able to share his/her feelings, experiences and thoughts in a very honest way among family members or in your relationship with others.

    It eliminate fear

    Another great benefit of building trust in your family is the elimination of fear. It is important for you to know that fear dies where there is trust in any kind of relationship. You can therefore entrust your life and anything in the hand of the person you trust without being afraid of what will happen. As we all know, fear is a spirit that gives birth to jealousy and insecurity in any relationship.

    Sometimes, there is a feeling of insecurity between husband and wife which leads to an unwanted apprehension of marital unfaithfulness. Husband and wife must learn to be open to each other. The devil often makes people to think that if they open up completely, they may never be accepted for who they are or that when their friends or spouse hear the whole truth about an issue, they won’t love them anymore. But this is a lie of the devil. Trust is probably the most important ingredient in building an intimate relationship between husband and wife.

    Trust is one thing that takes a long time to build and a very short time to destroy. Be careful how you treat each other. Many people wrongly believe that in a good marriage, you can “relax” and not have to monitor everything you say and do. This is farther from the truth. In a good marriage, you must always be monitoring your behavior. This is the key to building a strong relationship and trust. May the Lord give you understanding!

    To enjoy the benefits of building trust in your relationship, you need to have a relationship with God first and foremost. That is what being born gain is all about. Do you want to be born again? Just say this prayer and you shall become a child of God: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me of my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. Deliver me from sin and satan to serve the living God. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom”.

    If you prayed this simple prayer, you are now a child of God. He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    Congratulations! You are now born again! All-round rest and peace are guaranteed you, in Jesus’ Name. Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

     

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).