The Nation Newspaper

Tag: Relationship

  • Why beautiful, smart ladies fall in love with silly, ugly guys

    Why beautiful, smart ladies fall in love with silly, ugly guys

    The reasons why every individual engages in certain things like making the choice of lovers is mostly personal. In essence, what works for you might not work for someone else. No doubt, this is a recent trend in the world of relationships.

    Below is a question from an anonymous reader on why beautiful and smart ladies fall in love with men that are silly and ugly.

    The Question

    Hi Dating Nerd,

    I have been noticing a recent trend in the dating world. Why are women attracted to such unintelligent men? Do they get a sense of power out of it or is it a lark?

    I have a few friends who are not the sharpest tool in the shed but yet manage to get laid every night. The women, however, are intelligent. I have spoken to many different women about this issue, and they think dating dumb men is really a turn-on.

    The women I have asked have such careers as doctors, lawyers, stock brokers, etc. My point is these women are not stupid. So what the hell is going on with this current dating trend? Please shine some light on it for me, because I refuse to dumb myself down for any person.

    – Unappreciated Genius

     

    The Answer

    Hi Unappreciated Genius,

    I get why you’re confused. After all, intelligent men are inherently superior, right? Why would a woman want to date some dumb jock when she could date a guy who quotes Proust and understands the motion of molecules? Wouldn’t she miss the scintillating debates? Wouldn’t she get frustrated that she couldn’t talk about her dissertation?

    Well, not necessarily. See, there’s a shaky assumption at the heart of your question, which is that smart men are inherently superior. And this is incorrect, for two reasons.

    First reason: Women don’t need men to provide intellectual stimulation. They can get that on their own. Look around you. If you hadn’t noticed, women are now lawyers, doctors, marketing sharks, insurance executives, and captains, so to speak, of industries. Many, many smart women are occupying demanding roles in the information economy. Increasingly, women spend long workdays absorbing avalanches of data and issuing complicated recommendations.

    And nobody — well, almost nobody — wants to keep their brain turned on all the time. If you’re a smart woman with a high-powered job, it’s perfectly reasonable that you’d want to hook up with an intellectually relaxing dude-bro, rather than an intellectually demanding guy like you.

    If this seems implausible, that’s only because it runs counter to some of the hoariest old relationship stereotypes. Y’know, like the one about the 1950s husband figure who does a complicated job and comes home to a simple, loving wife. Or the one about the private equity fund genius who dates a slew of European models. Dating someone who’s felicitous but a bit dim is not a new trend. It just seems more novel when the gender roles are switched up.

    And if this doesn’t seem fair, well — reader, look inside yourself for a second…

    Aren’t you attracted to the girl you met at the gym who isn’t necessarily exceptional at trigonometry, but probably looks great on a dance floor, or, more to the point, a bedroom floor? Don’t you find a certain kind of giggly, un-snobby femininity attractive?

    Don’t lie to me, now. All nerds nurse crushes on cheerleaders. It doesn’t seem right to judge women for having similar attractions.

    The second, more important reason is this: A lot of smart guys really suck with women. As we all know, intelligence doesn’t necessarily translate to emotional skills. Especially because a lot of intellectual dudes didn’t necessarily get a positive social experience growing up. Many dorky, sweet men are just unpracticed in terms of how to flirt, or date. And then there are straight-up terrible smart dudes: condescending pseudo-intellectuals and bitter PhDs.

    Surely, you’ve heard of the term ‘mansplaining.’ Y’know, the thing where men pepper their co-ed conversations with explanations of extremely basic phenomena as if the women they were talking to had never left their houses. Whatever you think of the word itself — whether or not you think it unfairly categorises the male gender — it is a very real phenomenon. Lots of women are tired of having men lecture at them about whatever.

    And usually, I don’t think it comes from a bad place. Men want to impress women. We’re under the impression that knowledge itself is impressive. And it is often said to be a quality women want in men. So we get the unhelpful impulse to brandish it at random. Also, the main genre of dude conversation is the hours-long exchange of minutiae and trivia. It’s not like mansplainers think, “Well, it’s time to be sexist now…” and then launch into their thing.

    But those good (or at least benign) intentions don’t change a thing. Mansplaining is still, at best, tiring. Every woman I know well is fed up with being on the receiving end of male rambling. They’ve all practised the pained but polite facial expression required when some software engineer goes on a monologue about how Radiohead’s last few albums were unappreciated. And maybe you’ve never done such a thing, ever. Maybe it isn’t you. But you can’t blame women for being wary of self-styled intellectuals.

    After all, compare that to your friendly gym-rat type of guy. He’s chill, easygoing, and doesn’t feel the need to speak in paragraphs about his existential crises. If he has a philosophy, it’s probably along the lines of “stay hungry,” or “be nice to people.” Also, he was probably popular in high school and is thus comfortable in conversation, self-assured, fond of making compliments, and pretty good in bed. His reflex isn’t to tell women all about seismology. He just says dumb sh*t to get a laugh. And it works.

    Everything I’ve said so far has been a condemnation of smart dudes. Even if you agree with me, I still haven’t given you any usable advice. But now I will do that. You might not like it, though.

    My advice is this: Learn from the dumb dudes.

    By that, I don’t mean suppress your intellect, or act stupid. What I mean is, change up your game a little. Upon meeting a lovely woman, is your first instinct to say something profound about a giant novel you just read? Well, maybe don’t do that. Instead, ask her some questions about herself. Say something silly. Keep it light. Don’t make the interaction laborious.

    Rather than being worried about displaying your intelligence, try hard to find a common connection with the woman you’re talking to. Look for shared interests, or opinions, or just something you can both laugh about. Be warm and genuine first, and verbose later. And, crucially, on your online dating profile, don’t write six paragraphs about all the smart stuff you think because you’re so smart. That’s just tedious. (I have done the same thing in the past, for what it’s worth.)

    Also? Those dudes of mediocre brainpower who are landing all those chicks probably have good style, and they’re probably in good shape. All the grey matter in the world won’t make up for a horrific outfit, a ridiculous haircut, or being in hideous physical shape. Get that stuff locked down. It’s as important as anything intellectual. Maybe much more.

    There’s a larger lesson here. When you see women being interested in men who aren’t like you, don’t just scratch your head, and assume that they should want what you’ve got instead. Instead of judging, observe. You’re being given important information about women’s needs. A man of your intellect should know how valuable that is.

  • Lagos Babe Cries Out: Help, My Honeypot Is Humongous!

    Lagos Babe Cries Out: Help, My Honeypot Is Humongous!

    A Lagos babe recently broke down in tears crying for help because her honeypot is too wide. This is what she had to say:

    “Please help me, my honeypot is so so wide. There is no soap, cream, oil I have not used, I have even sat on hot water, still no way. I have done everything there is.

    “The last resort now is that I went to see a doctor, as he asked me to lie down and open my legs. As I did, he screamed and asked me what happened? Yes it’s that bad, my honeypot is permanently open.

     

    Trending: Life-like Erotic Dolls, That Orgasms And Knows Your Favourite Meal

    “The lips of my honeypot is so black and ugly, if I am urinating it’s like shower pouring. I don’t even want to talk about sex because it’s very very bad, even the guys complain. You can’t even give me a head cause all you will be seeing is a deep hole, I am so ashamed of myself and the life I lived.

    “All I did was f**k big d**ks, all my sex toys are so massive, I put different objects inside of me. I have used a pestle that comes with mortar to masturbate before, I don’t know what happened to me and my sex life, I became a freak, even my anus can’t grip anything again.

    Also: ‘Sex is the lubricant in a relationship’

    “I’m so scared that I might end up a lesbian because no man can enjoy my body anymore. And I don’t have millions of Naira to travel out for a surgery. Please I need serious help. How do I go about this? Please help me?”

    Please be your sister’s keeper.

  • What you need to know about losing your virginity

    No matter how long ago it happened, every 99% of women on the planet can tell you in clear terms how they lost their virginity. Of all the first things you’ll experience in your lifetime, your first time doing the deed truly marks a clear before and after.

    One minute, you’re a guy who has imagined what it would be like to penetrate a woman by way of lots of porn and sexual daydreams. And then next minute (or hopefully more), you’ve got the experience under your belt and you’re ready to start uhh, honing your craft so to speak.

    However, according to Danielle Page of ca.askmen.com, she advised that it might not be okay to get ahead of ourselves here. Because, according to her, losing your virginity is a pretty big deal, we want to make sure you’re going in there as prepared as humanly possible.

    That’s the great thing about cashing in your V-card in the digital age – you’ve got a world of information at your fingertips to make sure that you nail it. Ready to delve into the dos and don’ts? From what it’ll feel like on your first entry to when to do it, what to bring and what happens after it’s all over and done, here’s everything you need to know about losing your virginity.

    Here’s a fun fact about virginity that you probably didn’t know: It’s not real. “It’s most important to understand that virginity is a social construct and nothing more,” Anne Hodder, certified sex educator explains.

    “There is no medical or scientific definition of virginity. Some cultures believe that ‘virginity’ means penis-in-vagina sex, which causes some people to believe that other kinds of sex simply don’t count. But that’s not the case for everyone — we get to define what we consider ‘sex’ to be and treat our sexual desire and sex lives accordingly.” Because really, if you’ve given a woman an orgasm using just your mouth or hands, it should count for something, right?

    The fact that the term “virginity” is up for interpretation has definitely caused some confusion over the years – especially where oral sex is concerned. It has also managed to work its way into a few iconic films (if you’re a male virgin who has never seen the movie American Pie, there’s no time like the present.) But as far as the majority of society defines it, in order to for a man to lose his virginity as a heterosexual guy, he would need to penetrate a vagina with his dick.

    Before we start taking a look at v-card statistics around the world, let’s get one thing straight:

    the best age to lose your virginity is whatever age you feel ready – whether that’s 13, 14, 15, 22, 25 or beyond. “What matters is that you’re choosing to do it because you want it, not because you feel you ‘should’,” Hodder says.

    “And of course, you must have enthusiastic affirmative consent from our partner to assure you’re both on the same page.”

    But if you’re still curious about how old the rest of the folks around the globe are when they first do the deed, here’s an overview.

    “In the U.S., the average age for a man to lose his virginity varies from 17.1 to 18 depending on which study one goes by,” says self-development educator Tony Naemi.

    “This age makes sense, as the age of consent is 18 in most states. The U.S. ranked 24th out of 44 countries that were surveyed about this topic, with Malaysian men having sex on average later in life at an average age of 23 and Iceland being the youngest at an average age of 15.6.”

    If that number surprises you, you’re not alone. “Often, we believe that people around us are having a lot more sex than they actually are,” says Hodder, “and sometimes these social pressures can influence our decisions. Sex is tough to navigate – especially if you haven’t had much sexual experience – but there’s no right or wrong way to do it. Having sex for the first time certainly, differs from country to country mostly as a result of cultural or religious value systems more so than simple geography.”

    As far as what your first time will be like, it can really run the gamut. “It depends on a variety of factors,” says Naemi, “such as nerves, who your partner is, your familiarity with each other, your sexual desire, her sexual experience and desire, and where you’re having sex at – her house, your house, a friend’s apartment, club house, road side, etc..”

    Even though women typically experience more pain than men when losing their virginity, Naemi says it can happen to guys as well. “There might be some soreness depending on the tightness of your partner, the length of sex, and having worn a condom,” he says. However, with a few preventative measures (which we’ll get to), you’ll be able to avoid most of the factors that would potentially cause pain.

    What will your body feel like afterward? Likely, pretty awesome, since there are plenty of post-coitus endorphins that going to be running through your body. But as far as physical changes go, your penis will be the same as it was before you had sex. But according to Hodder, you’ll probably stand a little taller, psychologically speaking. “Some men might feel a sense of ‘matureness’ after having sex for the first time,” she says, “because sex is so often associated with being a ‘man.’ That, of course, is simply a social construct and the amount of sex someone is having has no effect on one’s gender identity.”

    Before we get to the action, there are a few questions you should ask yourself beforehand to know if you’re ready. A few Hodder recommends kicking things off with: “Why am I doing this? Am I trying to prove something to myself or someone else?”

    “It might also help to ask yourself how you feel about the person you might be having sex with for the first time and if your intentions for the experience are coming from a genuine place,” says Hodder, “not influenced by any social pressures we might be feeling.”

    Also, because this experience is going to stick with you for the rest of your days, Naemi suggests taking a hard look at who you’re deciding to do it with. “Ask yourself: Is this the person I want to remember for the rest of my life as having given my virginity to?’ If the answer is no, then don’t have sex with that person – Naemi.

    Even if you’ve already been through “Health 101” in high school, Hodder also says to make sure you’re protecting yourself against sexually transmitted infections, aka STIs — especially if your partner isn’t a virgin. “Risk management is essential when you choose to have sex,” says Hodder.

    “It takes only one act of sex to transmit an STI or, if you’re having penis-in-vagina sex, to cause an unintended pregnancy, so it’s important for both partners to know their status (get tested!) and use a barrier method to reduce the risk. Fortunately, condoms are super easy to get; you can buy them almost anywhere, and if you’re hard up for cash, health care offices like Planned Parenthood often provide condoms free of charge with no questions asked.”

    Also, make sure you know how to put a condom on the right way before you have sex for the first time. “Anticipating putting on a condom in the heat of the moment can build a load of anxiety that can get in the way and risk mistakes being made,” Hodder says.

    “I suggest men and women go through the steps of opening and putting on various barrier methods in the comfort of their rooms or homes and get the kinks out ahead of time so that, when the time ultimately comes, using these safer sex methods can feel like old hat.” A little lube can go a long way in helping this process (and keeping your penis pain free afterward). Put a drop in the condom before you slip it on, and if things start to get dry while you’re doing the deed, don’t be shy about using more to help keep things moving smoothly.

    How well your first time goes really depends on whether or not you and your partner are on the same page as far as your expectations — so make sure you have a conversation about it beforehand (and preferably not right before you’re about to do it, when nerves are high). “Talk with your partner way ahead of time, before any clothes are even close to coming off, to see if you’re both on the same page about what you want, what you like (and what you don’t), and how you’re feeling about it – Hodder.

    “Often, the fear or anxiety about having sex for the first time can make the whole experience feel a lot more nerve-wracking that it needs to be. It can help you feel even more connected with your partner to share how you’re feeling – because chances are, you’re both feeling something similar, and sharing about it can help build an even stronger intimate connection.”

    In terms of the positioning of the actual act, you need to be able to walk before you can run. Instead of trying to finagle both your bodies into difficult positions, sexologist Dr. Megan Stubbs recommends starting with the basics. “The missionary position is a classic for a reason,” she says.

    “In this position, the guy is able to control the depth and the thrusting, finding a pace and speed that works for them. If he has a partner who is willing to be on top, this can be a more passive position and allow them to let someone else take control.”  

    According to a study done by the Kinsey Institute, the difference between the average age that men and women lose their virginity in the U.S. isn’t that far off — 17.4 for females, and 16.9 for males.

    As with male virginity, what technically constitutes the loss of a woman’s virginity has often been misconstrued — from using tampons to dildos and even getting fingered. “The simple act of putting something in our vagina does not equal sex,” says Hodder.

    “Using a tampon is a necessary part of many menstruating people’s lives and has nothing to do with sexual pleasure and everything to do with managing menstrual flow. Self-stimulating with a dildo (or any other object) while masturbating is a common and healthy way to learn about our own sexual desires and is absolutely not the same experience as engaging in sexual intercourse with another person.”

    Even though men and women tend to lose it around the same age, changes in the female body after having sex for the first time are very different, and can sometimes (but not always) include bleeding…Some women may experience spotting, most often the result of friction from lack of lubrication – Hodder.

    You may have heard the term “popping her cherry” thrown around in reference to a woman’s first time, which refers to a woman’s hymen. “Most hymens cover only a portion of the vagina, almost forming a ring around its opening, which allows passage of tampons, penises, sex toys or other objects,” Hodder explains.

    “Tearing, ripping or other scary verbs do not usually happen to the hymen during first time P in the V sex. Hymens can stretch to accommodate whatever’s being inserted, and many women’s hymens actually stay intact long-term, regardless of how much sex they have. And while it’s still possible to tear them, many hymens actually heal, and tears often happen naturally during everyday life.”

    The first time my penis penetrated a vagina, it felt unlike anything I had ever felt before in my entire life—to an incomparable degree – Ray, 29. Nothing else felt even remotely similar (and I say this having previously had my dick inside a freshly baked pie, the hose of a vacuum cleaner and several women’s mouths). I can’t verbally describe exactly what it felt like.

    “I’d say warm and wet, but that doesn’t even come close to doing it justice. It felt amazing in a unique way that I immediately knew I could never properly replicate in any artificial way. And I suppose that’s the way it should be. The feeling of my penis inside of a woman was, is, and always will be the pinnacle of physical stimulation for me.”

    “I dated a girl all through high school who was one of those, ‘I’m religious so we can’t have actual sex, but we can do everything else under the sun’ girls,” says Murray, 26.

    “We broke up like a week before college. My first week there I became freshman class president and had to make some stupid little speech at the University. When it was over some senior girl who was watching came up to me and asked me what I was doing that afternoon. I said ‘nothing,’ and she said, ‘Okay come hangout in my room with me.’ My naive ass had no idea. We get to her room and I’m just sitting on her bed with her watching TV.

    She gets up and walks into her bathroom and comes out completely naked. Gets on top of me and says, ‘What do you want to do?’ I then proceeded to make some joke about playing hockey. She then pretty much ripped my clothes off and held me down until she got off, thanked me, and then literally never talked to me again. It was awkward because she pretty much used me like a dildo. It went on for about 10 minutes and I didn’t even finish.”

  • BREXIT: NEPC chief calls for stronger economic relationship with UK

    BREXIT: NEPC chief calls for stronger economic relationship with UK

    Nigerian Export Promotion Council (NEPC Executive Director Olusegun Awolowo has said that Nigeria with maintain its strong economic relationship with the United Kinddom (UK) to achieve the 4.5 billion pounds post BREXIT.

    Awolowo made the statement in Abuja yesterday at a stakeholders’ forum on BREXIT with the theme “Opportunities and Challenges for Nigeria’’.

    Brexit is an abbreviation for “British exit,” referring to the UK’s decision in a June 23, 2016 referendum to leave the European Union (EU).

    He said: “The Commonwealth noted that with the proposed Trade and Investment Cooperation Agreement (TICA) between both countries, the UK’s Foreign Direct Investment (FDI) could increase to 4.5 billion pounds from one billion pounds by the year 2030.

    “This will be possible if both countries implement programme to improve trade competitiveness and ease of doing business between them.’’

    Awolowo said the forum was to discuss with stakeholders in international trade on the opportunities and challenges of Brexit to Nigeria.

    He said: “You will agree with me the EU is one of our leading trading partners. On the other hand, UK is one of the major export destinations and source of FDI for Nigeria and some other countries.

    “Nigerian exports to the UK in 2015 stood at four per cent of its global exports valuing a little over $2.1 billion. Nigeria also imported about four per cent of its global import valuing 1.6 billion dollars from UK.

    “In view of this, we need to maintain a strong economic relationship with Britain in alignment of our membership of the Commonwealth.’’

    Awolowo said the objective of the forum was to guide policy formulators and implementers on necessary mechanism required to maintain and consolidate on the relationship with British government.

    He added that it would also enable participants to have a full understanding of the implications of Brexit on the economic and political environment.

    A Commonwealth Trade Adviser, Mrs. Opeyemi Abebe, said the Federal Government should put up policy alternative for the security of Nigerian export into the UK in the post-Brixit era.

    “Nigeria had traded with UK under a trade agreement that included the whole of the Europeans; Britain leaving EU, it has implication for the country trade for both oil and non-oil,’’ Mrs. Abebe said.

    She said the forum was to discuss opportunities that would arise and how the country could take advantage of some of the trade diversion that might occur as Britain left the EU.

    “Automatically, some of the exports from Nigeria will become a little more competitive than some of the exports from the Eastern European counties  into the UK, giving our traditional relationship with the UK,’’ Abebe said.

    She said the Commonwealth had identified the agriculture sector, which showed that with about 21 product lines, Nigeria could be more competitive in the UK market to expand its exports.

  • The oath (2) :Relationships

    The oath (2) :Relationships

     My childhood friends, some of whom had ended up having kids for different men out of wedlock, were all envious of my good fortune at marrying Ena. 

    AFTER the oath we took between us, things progressed smoothly between Ena and I. Shortly after, we got married and settled down to living as husband and wife. Life with Ena was blissful. My only complaint was his tight work schedule.

    He was a businessman who did a lot of contracts with different companies and was thus a very busy person. I hardly saw during the week and even some weekends when he had deadlines to meet. He, however made it up to me and the children whenever he had some free time. On my 25th birthday, for instance, he took the whole family to South Africa to celebrate it. It was the first time I was traveling out of the country so you could imagine my joy.

    My childhood friends, some of whom had ended up having kids for different men out of wedlock, were all envious of my good fortune at marrying Ena.

    “Mercy, whatever charm you used on him, please give me some! I want to marry a rich man like your husband too,” one of my friends, Doris said one day when she came visiting me at home. I had taken her on a tour of the nice duplex we lived in a very nice neighbourhood and she had simply gazed at everything in wonder.

    “You are really enjoying o! You mean just the four of you live alone in this big house?” she queried. I nodded, laughing and she had shaken her head. We had grown up together in the same street and like most families in that neighbourhood lived in very crowded accommodation. Doris, her twelve siblings and parents including a few relatives lived in a one room apartment. Her four year old daughter from a former boyfriend also lived with them. Their home was always noisy with fights and arguments a regular way of life.

    “Anyway, thank God one of us has left the ghetto for a posh place like this. I won’t mind living here o! Maybe you should employ me as your house help so I can come and enjoy with you!” she said.

    “No way! You are too big and too pretty to be my house girl! I no wan lose my husband o!” I retorted and we both laughed.

    ****

    With my husband’s help, I got admission to the university to study Business Administration. I had to be attending classes from home and between going to school, taking care of the children and my husband, it was tough. But I persevered because I was really determined to get a degree.

    It was in my second year that I got pregnant. After giving birth to my son, Tejiri, I returned to school and focused on my studies. To assist with the baby, Ena got a full time nanny, a retired nurse who was very competent. That helped me a lot as I could stay in school for all my classes without worrying too much about my baby.

    We had been married for about five years when the accident happened. My husband had gone to Abuja on some business and was returning to Lagos when he was involved in an accident. He had been scheduled to return by air but his flight had been cancelled. Since he had a very important business meeting the following morning, and unable to get another flight, he had decided to return by road. He was first admitted in a hospital near the town the accident occurred but because of the severity of his condition, he was transferred to the teaching hospital in Benin.

    On hearing the news, I immediately flew to Benin to be by his side. I wept bitterly when I saw my husband. He was in a coma, breathing through an oxygen tank and was unaware of his

    surroundings.

    “This is no time to cry, Madam. You need to pray now so he can recover,” the doctor in charge of his case told me on my arrival.

    So, I prayed as I had never done before. I remembered how we met, got married and our life together since then. I petitioned God to save my husband and I would serve him all my days.

    But it was all in vain. He died a week after the accident without regaining consciousness.

    To say I was devastated was putting it mildly. It was like my life ended, as if the light in my life had been switched off and there was nothing but darkness everywhere…

    A father’s request

    It’s been three years since my darling husband died. I have still not recovered fully from the shock of losing my husband at such a young age. Things have not been easy for me all alone with three young children to bring up. Financially, I have no worries as Ena left the bulk of his considerable wealth to me and the children. Perhaps, having a premonition of his death, he had written a will some months before the accident. His family had not contested it thankfully and had not harassed me in any way concerning their brother’s estate.

    I miss my husband daily and though there are pressures from some quarters for me to remarry, I have no interest in being with another man. Just last week, my father had come visiting and had brought up the issue of my marrying again.

    “You are still young. You should marry again so you can have someone to help you take care of these children,” he had stated in his usual blunt manner. He had even proposed to matchmake me with a son of his friend who had just relocated from the United States. But I had not been interested.

    Besides the lack of interest, there is also the oath I took with Ena all those years ago before our marriage. When I made the vow to him, I never in my wildest dream think this would happen, that I would be a widow at 31. Ena had told me that it’s a vow that cannot be broken or there would be consequences.

    I don’t know much about the spiritual significance of taking oaths so I would appreciate if readers who know about these things can enlighten me. I don’t know what will happen in the future, whether I will meet a man and fall in love again. Will it be possible for me to marry again despite the oath I took with Ena? And if I do, will any misfortune happen to me as some people I discussed the matter with have suggested? Please help!

    Concluded

  • Renewing your marital relationship

    Renewing your marital relationship

    As single persons, what do you expect in marriage? Your expectations shall not be cut off! Before my husband and I got married, we made discoveries from God’s Word that made us expect a hitch-free marriage 

    Dear Reader,

    You are welcome to this glorious and exciting moment in God’s presence. As you pay rapt attention to God’s Word today, His hands shall rest upon your marriage.

    This month, we shall be looking at this all-important subject, Renewing Your Marital Relationship. To renew your marital relationship, one of the things that must be in place is your Expectation. One key factor for the miraculous is expectation. It is your expectation that gets fulfilled. Every man sets a stage for his miracle. Do you totally and truly believe God? Or do you doubt Him in your heart saying, “I tried everything, but nothing worked. I never saw anything. I am tired. I don’t think it will work.”

    Don’t be offended in God; the fact that you still have the breath of life is something to be grateful for. Instead, express your mind to God.  Say, “Lord God, I know You are forever faithful. Thank You that I am still alive today to approach You on issues I couldn’t achieve last year. Thank you for the promise of a glorious and fulfilling year. I know You will do it.”

    Forget about those old things that are bygones! God will do a new thing in your family, this year, which will make you thank Him every day.  God is set, but you have to be set too.  However, to be set, you must determine to do some things, especially, if you desire a successful home this month and beyond.

    Husband, can you see a turnaround in the character of your wife? Can you see your children obedient and God-fearing? Can you see abundance of peace, joy and harmony in your home? Wife, what do you see? Do you see your husband turning from his sinful habits to pleasing God this month and beyond? Do you see his business succeeding, thereby enabling him provide more for the family? Can you see serenity in your home? As far as you can see, it shall be given to you as it is only what you see that you can possess.

    Stop seeing the negative side of issues. Stop seeing your business going down, because of economic meltdown. Stop deducing reasons why you think things won’t work out well in your family. Stop celebrating failure. Believe God and let it be counted to you for righteousness. If God has said what He will do, let it be settled in your heart and in your actions, that He will do it. He is not a liar!

    Many years ago, I made up my mind to believe God’s Word in Proverbs 4:18. I have never had cause to doubt it. No previous year has been better than the current one for me and my family. In fact, my present position today is the least I can ever be. God is ever faithful. Friend, see good and you shall have good. See no lack around you this year, and you shall walk in abundance. God will see to it that His Word does not fall to the ground in your own life. Choose to believe God and you will have no occasion to regret.

    See with your eyes of faith. Walk by faith and not by sight. Don’t determine the happenings in your home this year by the environment. See into the plans of God for your life and family, and assure yourself of the best of times ahead.

    Someone once came to me for counselling, and had been having a very tough time in her marriage.  As she spoke, I discovered that the root cause of her problems was her wrong ideas about marriage.  She had expected grief and calamity. So, when the storms rose against her marriage, she began to say, “They told me it will be like this.”

    You must first desire a tower, before you can plan to build one.  Don’t enter into marriage without an expectation. The Word of God says:  For surely there is an end; and your expectation shall not be cut off (Proverbs 23:18). What you expect is what you will get.  God’s servant, Bishop Oyedepo would always say, “Expectation is the mother of manifestation.”

    God has promised to grant your expectations, no matter the situations around you. So, let your expectations be based on God’s Word, for it is higher than any evil experience or information you may have had or heard about marriage.

    If you are already married, there is still an opportunity for you to change all your negative expectations.  As a couple, discuss your positive expectations and I guarantee that things will work out more smoothly in your home.

    As single persons, what do you expect in marriage? Your expectations shall not be cut off! Before my husband and I got married, we made discoveries from God’s Word that made us expect a hitch-free marriage. Till today, those expectations have not been cut off.  If you expect the best, it will be yours!

    A right expectation begins with being connected to God.  You get connected by confessing your sins and accepting Jesus as your Saviour and Lord. That is what being born again is all about. If you are ready to be born again, please say this prayer: “Dear Lord Jesus Christ, I come to You today. I am a sinner. Forgive me my sins and cleanse me with Your Blood. Deliver me from sin and satan to serve the living God. I accept You as my Lord and Saviour. Make me a child of God today. Thank You for accepting me into Your Kingdom.”

    If you prayed this simple prayer, congratulations, you are born again and you are now a child of God! He loves you and will never leave you. Read your Bible daily, obey God’s Word and seek Christian fellowship (John 14:21).

    With this, you are guaranteed all-round rest and peace in Jesus’ Name! Call or write, and share your testimonies with me through contact@faithoyedepo.org; OR 07026385437 and 08141320204.

    For more insight, these books authored by me are available at the Dominion Bookstores in all Living Faith Churches and other leading Christian bookstores: Marriage Covenant, Making Marriage Work, Building A Successful Home and Success in Marriage (Co-Authored).

  • Lagos @ 50: My relationship with Rasheed Gbadamosi

    Siesta time at Ika Grammar School, Agbor, was when students were supposed to give their metabolic system a break by switching off from all physical and mental activities. While it lasted for about two hours, only the Casuarina trees, from their caressing encounters with the winds, were allowed to utter any noise. The students were required – and expected – to catch some sleep.

    Mr, Isichei was the senior housemaster who was the de facto chief enforcer of hostel rules in Ika Grams of the early 70s. He later became the principal of Okpalani Grammar School, Okpanam, in the present Delta State. He would be taken aback by the revelation that Thomas – the otherwise genial, dutiful and well-comported school prefect – rather used this period for literary self-indulgence.

    Well, I was taking advantage of my privileged entitlement, as a prefect, to a cubicle. That was when I resumed my practice of literary expression and elementary journalism that started  two years back at Iyekeorhionmwon Community (later renamed Orhionmwon, and then Urhonigbe) Grammar School, where I had been a front-running contestant in short story competitions organized by the defunct district council then headquartered at Ugo. Indeed, some time in 1969, I had gotten a letter published in the Benin-based Nigerian Observer explicitly titled “I want to be a real journalist.”

    I was also editor of The Mermaid, a student magazine inspired and mentored by Obi Anene, who had just graduated from the University of Lagos with a degree in political science and joined the teaching staff of Ika Grammar School. It was Obi, a political science major who was initially fondly called by the first name Joe, who introduced Government as a subject to Ika Grammar School and prepared a handful of us to perform exceedingly well in the WASCE within one year. He became a features writer at The Nigerian Observer. He and my English tutor Felix Emeka Okeke-Ezigbo, then already a published poet in Nsukka Harvest, nurtured my literary skills, the latter becoming a professor of English and Affiliated Professor of African and Afro-American studies at the University of Rhode Island, until he died in Providence on June 25, 2012.

    How far have I gone trying to realize the dreams? If you will permit an uncharacteristic act of immodesty, I went on to enjoy brief spell as radio producer and commentator in the outside broadcast unit of the Federal Radio Corporation of Nigeria under the tutelage of Ishola Folorunso (late), Kunle Olasope, Ben Elugbe (emeritus professor of linguistics),  and sports commentator/newscaster Tolu Fatoyinbo (late). At FRCN, I was colleagues with Sam Okolo (late), and the current helmsman of the Federal Road Safety Commission (FRSC) Boboye Oyeyemi. I shared microphone with Ernest Okonkwo (late), Sebastian Oforum (late), Kevin Ejiofor, Khalifa Baba-Ahmed (late) and with former minister of Tourism, Culture and National Orientation, Edem Duke; Emma Egharevba and Dan Esiekpe at the National Sports Festival “Oluyole ‘79” in Ibadan. Somehow, I never managed to do so with the one-and-only Bisi Lawrence, whose image loomed large in the Outside Broadcast establishment of FRCN in those days, but who was on the verge of retirement at this period.

    Two years later, at “Bendel ‘81“, I was, on television, I was in the company of old Unife friend  Tayo Balogun; current acting Managing Director of Bank of Industry Waheed Olagunju; Tunde Orebiyi; and a host of brilliant professionals at NTA Benin, including Tonnie Iredia; Dele and (late) Ayo Ojeisekhoba.

    However, it was in print journalism that my journalism dream really came true, when, finding myself in the company of some of the best professionals, I become, in 1984, the features editor of The Guardian, arguably the most respectable newspaper in the country at a time. Another journalistic milestone was a reflection on the close affinity between man and bird that won me a Food and Agriculture Organization (FAO) Fellowship in 2010.

    Known only to a few of my childhood friends, Rasheed Gbadamosi was the big impetus for my affinity for literary efforts, such that this tribute might as well have been titled “Rasheed Gbadamosi in My Journey to the Writers’ World.”

    1971 was the year of the “Fight of the Century” between Muhammad Ali and Joe Frazier, an episode that profoundly gripped me for the global interest that it generated. But, in intensity, my engagement in the event was rivaled by the degree of my mental involvement in a small event – the then annual Sunday Times short story competition.

    The contest that year was won by Rasheed Gbadamosi. Among the hundreds of competitors that he beat to the first prize was yours truly, a fourth-form pupil who, on account of having “successfully” tried his hands at short stories, essays, recitations, school drama and other literary forms, thought he could try his luck on a wider stage.

    The journey to meeting Rasheed Gbadamosi started with a letter congratulating him on his achievement and requesting a copy of the winning entry. In no time, a copy of the story titled “Sunset Over Nairobi”, typed double-spaced and cyclostyled into about four pages, was delivered to me by post a few days before its publication in the weekly newspaper. Need I confess that I was overawed by the mastery of the English language displayed by Gbadamosi in the story!

    Aspiring to be like him, I then continued to bombard him with my efforts. He never failed to either acknowledge or comment on any script I shared with him. I remember one short story that explored a theme in inter-communal strife that elicited a comment from him that I was aping Achebe. Couldn’t I find more everyday experiences to derive themes from? It was like asking: “Hasn’t Achebe told the story of the past so eloquently already for you to continue rehashing his narrative?” While I brandished all other letters from the man in the manner of bragging to my friends that I was friends with Rasheed Gbadamosi, this particular one was not something to share. However, I took the advice to heart and, while my spirit was dampened, my literary aspiration was not annihilated.

    During my NYSC orientation at Olivet Hugh School, Oyo in the 1978/1979 year, I formed the Oyo State NYSC Theatre Group that put up a memorable show, including a drama presentation in which Pat Bala, until very recently the director-general of the National Film and Video Censor Board (NFVCB), was the lead actor.

    When I gained admission to both Ife and Nsukka in 1974 to read English, I harboured the anxiety that the chances of a career in journalism, that was always my first love, were in jeopardy. However, Gbadamosi wrote to me to dispel my concern. He then revealed that he, who was one of the best short story writers in the country, was, in fact, an economist!

    Late in December of 1974 Mr. Gbadamosi drove to the University of Lagos, were I was spending time with my childhood friend Gabriel Egharevba, now a now a professor of chemistry at Ife, to meet his young admirer. He then took me to visit with him at his Biaduo Street, Off Keffi Street, Ikoyi, residence and back to Akoka.

    Later on when I had come of age in journalism, he did not fail to say in a few words – as he was wont to do – “You’re doing really well.” Really? My head never failed to swell – especially when he once said this to the hearing of Ladbone (Lade Bonuola, who was my editor). In addition, he was of tremendous support of my career. He made the job of getting him to analyze the annual federal budget quite easy for me as the features editor at The Guardian by coming all the way to Rutam House in Isolo from his Ikoyi residence to turn in his scripts. On a couple of occasions, he actually wrote the scripts in my office amid the din associated with newsroom!

    Gbadamosi was, over the years, up there with the Segun Olusolas and Newton Jibunohs in the top league of promoters of art in Nigeria. The titles of his works even had as much potential to win prizes as their contents – Tree Grow in the Desert, Behold My Redeemer, Sunset Over Nairobi, etc.

    He inspired successive generations spanning art promotion and business. These include two of them of my friends, Waheed Olagunju (current acting Managing Director of the Bank of Industry) and Toyin Akinoso, the well-known geologist, journalist and publisher (who is better known as what I should call an art and culture militant) and one of the prime movers of the Committee for Realistic Arts (CORA).

    Gbadamosi was instrumental, as Minister of National Planning during the administration of Abdulsalami Abubakar, to the construction of the UN House in Abuja.

     

    • Odemwingie is a former features editor of The Guardian.

  • How to handle sudden change in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I really love your counsel on life and relationships issues.

     I am a hard-working young man trying to make a living and plan for a better future. I am in a relationship of one year old at the moment. My partner and I have been living together peacefully until we were faced with financial challenges which caused us to move to a place closer to her relatives.

    I discovered that living not too far from her family members has brought more harm than good to our relationship. She has changed a lot towards me to the extent that when I was critically ill, she showed no concern at all.

    I have left our new place to stay with my friends who are very supportive.

     Please, Harriet, what steps should I take at this point in time.

     Thanks.

     Joseph Laboard,

    Delta State.

     

    Thanks for sharing your problem with us. Sudden change of attitude from a loved one can be devastating physically and emotionally. Therefore, seeking counsel on how to deal with the situation is high commendable.

    However, in your case, it would have been proper, if she could state her own version of the situation for us to have a clearer picture. Since you are the one  needing advice on what to do, it will be treated as such.

    Before giving some useful tips on how to deal with your present situation, it will be proper for us to try and trace the cause of her action.  People react to situation differently, so a change of attitude simple shows that there is a problem somehow that needs to be addressed.

    So the question is what could be the cause. First step is to try and find out, if there was an unresolved issue unknown to you that could have led to her sudden change of attitude or is it that she has been pressurized or influenced by her family about the relationship.

    Were the signs always there and you failed to pay attention to them until now. For her not to show concern towards your health when you were sick speaks volume. Could it be that she is no longer interested in the relationship any more for reasons best known to her.

    Sometimes in a relationship, you might think your partner or spouse is happy with the happenings or is on the same page as you, while in the real sense, it may not be the case.

    Now, here are some helpful tips to assist you on how to deal with the situation. Issues are not solved by assumption. Therefore, you need to confront the situation in a friendly manner. What to do?

    You might have to take her out for a meal away from the house to a more relaxed and neutral ground in order to discuss the issue in detail and how it is affecting you and the relationship.

    Effective interaction is very important in a relationship because through communication, whether verbal or non-verbal, you can convey your thoughts, feelings and it will also help you understand your partner. Note, you can only know what is going on with your partner or spouse by talking, not by assumption.

    In respective of the category you belong in terms of confronting issues, you will have to talk about it.  It will interest you to know that to some people discussing matters of the heart don’t come easy, while for others, talking about feelings and emotions might not be pleasant and comfortable.

    In  dealing with sudden change of attitude,  it is very important to talk with the person involved directly. The reason is that it will provide you with a better information in understanding the reason behind her orhis action.

    Bear in mind that you are no mind reader so the only way for you to know the intension of a person is actually by talking with the person. However, if you have difficulty communicating, then seek a professional counselling together before you take further action.

    It is easier sometimes to talk to a stranger than to relatives or friends. During talking therapy, the trained counsellor will listen to you, and help you find your own answers to problems without judging you. The counsellor will give you time to talk, cry, shout, or think.

    It is an opportunity to look at your problems in a different perspective with someone who will respect and encourage your opinions and the decision you make. This would help you to gain some clarity and give you an idea of where the relationship is at, where it is going and if possible changes that have to be made.

    Moreover, understand that you can only work on changing yourself to be able to accommodate your partner or spouse’s strength and weaknesses, not you partner or spouse as the case may be. However, if she refuses to go with you, then she wouldn’t benefit from therapy.

    A person needs first to admit that there’s something wrong and be willing to work on it, for therapy to stand a chance.   Next is self-evaluation. On your part, it is necessary you check yourself because sometimes we just don’t realize how our words or actions are perceived.

    Note, often times, the people around us, including our loved ones, won’t even tell us. In some cases, they don’t know how to articulate it, and other times, they give us passiveaggressive or silent treatment just to make us uncomfortable and to punish us for being insensitive.

    Furthermore, acceptance in matters that affect the heart is vital. Whatever explanation she gives should be accepted. It might not be what you want to hear. If she tells you in the process of conversation or you trying to make things work that she doesn’t feel the same way, listen, respect her decision and move on.

    It might not be easy. You will be emotionally traumatise, but you will definitely find healing with time. It is better for you to have a broken heart that can be taken care of with time than for you to have a broken marriage in future in case you decide to marry her.

    It takes two people who are in love to have a successful relationship defeating every odd together.

    Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • Dealing with social status in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I am a great fan of yours. I thank you for your counsel on life issues which I find very educative.

    I am in a relationship with a lady I love dearly who feels the same as well. She is humble and nice. I intend proposing to her soon because I see her as somebody I will like to spend the rest of my life with.

    My challenge is that I recently discovered that she is from a wealthy family, while I am a hard-working young man with great potential because I know where I am striving to be in future.

    My fear is that this might be an obstacle. I am confused. Please, I need your advice.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    The early stage of a new relationship can be mind-blowing with all the excitement that might seem forever, but as the relationship progresses, the reality of life then comes to play, which is the explanation of what you are experiencing at this stage based on the fact that you are starting to have more affection for the lady as a result you are expecting more from dating.

    Your feeling is what most people in your situation experience and there is always the fear of acceptance, especially from your partner’s family. Every family as we know has its expectations when it comes to the issue of marriage.

    Where some see certain aspects as must have or belong, others might not use such as criteria.  The bottom line is that there are no same family approaches  in such matters, different strokes for different folks, so what one family might regard as a hindrance can be less important to another family.

    We must commend you for sharing and seeking counsel on how to approach the situation. Moving on, nursing the feelings without speaking out can be devastating. Suppose her family is different from all what you think, keeping silence or getting yourself work up can only aggravate your fears and worries.

    Such thoughts running through your mind constantly, if not tackled, will start affecting other aspects of your relationship.  Create room for an open conversation. In order to have a clear picture of what you want to go into, it will be a good step to have an open discussion with your partner.

    Bring to table everything about you and what you do currently and what you intend achieving in time to come. You might not be where you want to be at the moment, but this is where you are working hard to be by the special grace of God.

    You must be sincere with her. Once you are able to establish this fact, who knows it might just be the right information she needs to confront her family in case your status becomes an issue in time to come.

    On your part, it will make you feel better because you have actually made your identity cleared.  Starting with yourself in all honesty will now give room for her to be open with you in order to put your fears to rest.

    Next is to ask her about her family background and how they will feel about their daughter in a relationship with a hard-working young man of a different social status.

    Tell her your fears, worries and how they are affecting you.  Express your feelings to her. Don’t hold back anything. Most times, people see this aspect of expression of feelings during conversation as a form of weakness, forgetting that effective communication in a relationship is the key for a successful one, and once it is established properly from the onset, half of the problems that might crop up are solved.

    Speaking out freely with your partner about everything takes away assumptions, hurts, fears and worries. It helps them to understand each other’s likes and dislikes.  It is observed that effective communication in a relationship promotes closeness.

    Allow her to respond to all your questions. While that is going on, listen attentively and watch her body language as well because some answers can be traced by attitude.

    On the other hand, to save yourself from the unexpected, learn to keep an open mind in case the situation does not go your way. One thing for sure is this: what is yours can never be taken away from you, no matter the circumstances.

    It might be difficult at the beginning no doubt, but if it is truly yours, all things will work for good. If the reverse is the case, well take heart and see it as life lesson to make you a better person. Never give up on yourself, but learn and improve yourself by making sure that you work harder to be who you want to be.

    Note that the blessings of God rest on those who have faith and action. That it did not work out with her does not mean that you will not find your dream wife when the time comes.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • How to improve your relationship with yourself

    LOVE your neighbour as yourself is a popular aphorism we all seem to have heard at one time or the other. One that is founded on knowing that the most challenging, exciting and significant relationship you can ever have is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love that loves you back, well, that’s just great.

    The month of February is the month of love, one in which one is inundated on all sides with everything romance all around (or lack thereof). At this time, it would be helpful to evaluate the most important relationship of all—the one we have with ourselves. Here are some tips to know that you’re in a healthy relationship with you, and some tips for improving areas where your self-love is lacking.

    You use social media to share not to validate

    The difference? When you’re in a good place with yourself, you’re sharing to connect with others.

    Self-love tip: Before posting anything, ask yourself your motive for sharing. If it’s a moment you want to share and remember, go ahead and post away. If you’re posting so that your ex-boyfriend will feel bad about dumping you, or because you don’t feel beautiful today and want a bunch of friends to comment otherwise on your photo, please don’t post.

    You practice loving self-care

    When you love someone, you naturally want to take care of them; whether it’s through cooking, massages, lending a sympathetic ear, or helping them out financially. For some reason, we don’t always do the same for ourselves. Caring for yourself, whatever that means for you (adequate sleep, beauty and spa treatments, quiet time, and exercise) is a sure sign you’re in a good relationship with yourself.

    Self-love tip: Pamper yourself by treating yourself to something that feels indulgent at least once a week, even if it’s just an inexpensive sheet mask and a hot bath.

    You’re self-positive, whatever that means for you

    People who feel good about themselves do not indulge in self-shaming when it comes to their love or sex lives; neither do they sacrifice their own needs or boundaries in order to satisfy others. Instead, they know that the need for love or sex is a healthy impulse and an intensely individual choice, and they treat it as they would any other aspect of their personal well-being.

    Self-love tip: Evaluate your needs and boundaries, and then tell yourself they’re valid no matter what your partner or anyone else thinks. Remind yourself of this often.

    You put yourself first

    One of the harsher truths in life is that, ultimately, no one can take care of you but you. People can love you, people can help you, but no other person knows what you need, what you’re experiencing or what you want. With that in mind, we’d like to encourage you to put yourself first, always, as people in healthy relationships with themselves are apt to do. This doesn’t mean opting to watch movies instead of visiting your loved one in the hospital, but it does mean that if you have a loved one in the hospital, you know how to strike the balance between supporting and caring for her, and for yourself at the same time.

    Self-love tip: Look at all your relationships, and weed out the ones in which you’re sacrificing your health or happiness in an attempt to ensure the health or happiness of another, especially if they are counterproductive. Once you’ve identified these problematic relationships, make an action list of ways in which you can set better boundaries.

    You take care of your finances

    Security is a form of self-care, and a sign of self-love. Do you feel that you deserve to have abundance? If not, that may be something to explore as the cause of any lack in your life. Repeating a simple mantra while meditating, like “I am abundant, I have everything I need” can help, too. Think of it this way: If you had children in your care, you’d want them to have everything they need and feel secure monetarily, won’t you? You should feel the same way about yourself. Once you do, you’ll no longer undersell your services, or be careless with how you spend your hard earned money.

    Self-love tip: Imagine that a loved one’s financial situation looked like yours, and give yourself the advice you would give him or her. If you don’t know what advice you’d give, ask someone who cares about you for constructive input.

    You’re kind to others

    Gossiping is something many of us do in order to feel better about ourselves. This means that if we already feel good about ourselves, we won’t feel the need to talk badly or be unkind to others. As the saying goes, “Hurt people hurt people”, when you’re at a good place with yourself, you want the best for others.

    Self-love tip: Ponder this, if you wouldn’t want it said to you or about you don’t say it. Evaluate the feelings behind the hurtful sentiment you want to share, as there are likely some unresolved personal issues hiding there.

    You accept yourself, flaws and all

    This is the hardest one of all. When you’re truly in a good place, you’re at peace with the ways in which you fall short of your own expectations. Instead of looking in the mirror and constantly critiquing your face and body, you are able to feel compassion for things that aren’t 100% within your control. And you practice loving them as they are instead of berating yourself for not working out more, or aging more gracefully. As another example, you may wish you were less emotional, and you may try to better control your feelings, but you also know that you were born as you are and for every negative side effect of this trait, there’s a positive one. Healthy people still improve, just from a place of self-love and not self-hate (e.g., “I want to be better” rather than saying “I need to be better.”)

    You don’t let external impute sway you

    People who truly love themselves aren’t swayed by outside opinions, good or bad. If you believe the good things people say about you, you’ll also be vulnerable to believing the bad things. Most of us, unfortunately, operate in an even unhealthier manner than this, we do this by mostly ignoring the positive things people say, and focusing exclusively on negative critiques. When you’re in a solid relationship with yourself, nothing that comes at you from outside can change the way you feel.

    Self-love tip: Keep a running list of positive things you’ve accomplished or done for others that are intrinsic to your personality. This shouldn’t include compliments paid by outsiders, but rather things you feel good about on a deep, internal level.