The Nation Newspaper

Tag: Relationship

  • MY RELATIONSHIP WITH DON JAZZY –TOLU

    MY RELATIONSHIP WITH DON JAZZY –TOLU

    Although he didn’t win the third edition of popular talent hunt show, Project Fame West Africa, Tolulope Abraham Adesina, simply known as Tolu, hasn’t given up on his dreams of being a celebrated musician. The Kaduna State Polytechnic graduate of architecture speaks with ADENIYI ADEWOYIN on his journey into music and relationship with Don Jazzy among other issues.

     

     

    WHAT have you been up to lately?

    I just dropped a single called Ifemi which features Don Jazzy and the response has been incredible. For the first time people seem to see the versatility that Tolu is made of and I am grateful for that.

    What inspired the song?

    The song is actually inspired by my grandmother. I remember when I was a boy she always sings that song to me. Whenever she comes from the village, that’s how we knew she was around. She starts singing from the gate and we will know she is around. So I wanted to translate that feeling that I had from grandma into a song and let people enjoy it. So far it has been amazing.

    Did you grow up with your grandmother?

    She always visits us from Oyo State while we were in Kaduna. I am from Ogbomosho in Oyo State.

    You seem close to Mavin family; Are you signed to Mavin record?

    My record label, Aly Hills Records, is affiliated to Mavin Records and we are very good friends with Don Jazzy. So we can say we are a younger brother label to Mavin Records. We are a very close family.

    Going back to your days in Project Fame, most people thought you would win…

    I actually thought I was going to win but you know that God has a time for everything. It was Chidinma’s time, and now it’s my time (Laughs).

    So what is the relationship like between you and Chidinma now?

    It is a very good relationship. I saw Chidinma at a couple of shows and we have always maintained that friendship and bond. It’s amazing.

    What about other contestants like Yetunde Omo Ibadan?

    They are all fine. Yetunde is doing well for herself. She’s also dropping a single and I’m supportive of her music and her work.

    How has it been since you started music?

    It’s been very challenging because transforming yourself from just a project star to becoming an individual artiste takes a lot of hard work. Ask Iyanya, he will tell you it took six years to make that happen. But if you are consistent and you trust in God, anything is possible.

    What are your plans for the music industry?

    I just dropped the video to my new single Ifemi, so presently, I am promoting it.

    If Mavin Records approaches you with a record deal, will you accept?

    (Laughs) Well, I am very pleased with what my record label is doing with me; but if for any reason I get an opportunity to be signed to Mavin Records, it will be a very big blessing.

    What are the challenges you faced while coming up in the industry?

    It’s hard because when you are recording, you want to put it out for people to hear and you don’t have the proper funding and representation. So it can be very hard for an up and coming artiste. But when you have representation, you have people to worry about the business and you worry about the music. But now it is better for me, I’m a little relieved now.

    What was growing up like?

    I was born and raised in Kaduna State. I started singing when I was eleven years old in church, and since then, I have gone to seven different competitions before Project Fame. But I never gave up; that’s why when I didn’t win project fame, I stayed back in Lagos.

    What was your parents’ disposition about your choice of career?

    At first when they saw that I was taking it too seriously they insisted that I should study to become an architect because I read architecture at Kaduna State Polytechnic. I was so stubborn about my music; I would always end up in the studio after classes. Eventually, my dad saw that I had the passion so when I went for Project Fame competition, he believed in me and then he gave his full support.

    Did you go for another talent hunt show after Project Fame?

    No, I didn’t, because I believe that everything I learnt at the Project Fame talent hunt is enough for me to survive in the industry.

    How would you describe the experience at Project Fame?

    It was amazing. Meeting people from different countries, learning how to perform on stage, how to relate with your crowd, all of those valuable lessons are helping me today.

    So what has the relationship between you and the judges of Project Fame been like?

    I was even a guest judge at the last one; I was called in the preliminary stage of the judging to be a guest judge. So it’s an amazing feeling.

    That means they appreciate what you are doing out there…

    Yes they do.

    What else do you do aside music?

    I love fashion, I love movies. Eventually, I see my music taking me to those aspects. I also produce music, so I’m producing up and coming artistes as well as helping them archive their dreams.

    What are the qualities you see in people before assisting musically?

    If I see that you have the talent and you have the drive, and I can help you with production or connect you with someone who can help you, I will definitely do that. It’s been done for me too. I intend to help more people.

    Is that an orientation you got from Don Jazzy?

    Don Jazzy is that kind of man. He doesn’t know me from Adam yet he took me in and is helping me; so it’s a blessing.

    What about the ladies? How do you treat them?

    I love them. Since Project Fame, they have helped me to where I am today. So I love them so much I call them pretty ones.

    What do you do when you are less busy?

    I love movies. So when I am not in the studio or doing an interview or performing at a show, I like to kick back and watch good movies.

    Will you be going into movies soon?

    Let’s see how it goes. I need to build my music brand to a certain level and I am sure movie companies will come to me. I think I am articulate enough to be an actor.

    Who are the people you look up to in the Nigerian music industry?

    Apart from Don Jazzy, which is very obvious, there is 2face Idibia and Asa. I respect people that have achieved something from nothing and that’s what these people have taught me over the years.

    What do you think might be the reason why some artistes don’t last?

    I think it’s a personal choice. The content you give as a musician is up to you. If you want your story to be heard ten years after you are gone, then the type of things you say in your music must matter to you. Some people don’t care about that. They just want to sing about booty and stuff like that. If you want your music to last, you need to say really deep stuff and still appeal to the market.

    When is your album dropping?

    My album is going to drop next year and I am excited. I’m recording in the studio and I will be collaborating with various artistes. I’m so excited I can’t wait for the album to be out.

    What’s your favorite song by another artiste?

    That should be Raba by Kiss Daniel, Sugar Boi and Dj Shabzy.

  • Tips on marital relationship

     

    THANKS for your compliment. We give God all the glory. We really appreciate your text message. Marital relationship in our busy world is such a huge challenge.

    Unfortunately, there is not enough good news about marriages today. Separation, divorce, remarriage and marriage of low quality abound, while happy marriages are seldom. Though we all know many such happy marriages exist.

    Why is the institution of marriage under such pressure in our world today?  The rates of divorce and separation are growing by the day. Must it be so? Is there anything we can do to change the trend? The answer is, of course, yes. There is much we can all do to help couples who want to make their marriages successful by imbibing some useful martial relationship tips. Most couples take their relationship for granted as the years go by. Some stop doing the things they enjoy before marriage. They stop spending quality time together. They stop showing affection to each other. And some have little or no form of communication at all.  Love is totally out of the question for some. They fail to understand that love within marriage is a myriad reality.

    Love does not exist on its own; it depends on other virtues in order to be meaningful. To have a good relationship with your spouse is the ability to express love and love is based on respect, care, kindness, consideration, sharing everything, selfgiving and personal affection. Every one’s relationships are different. But sometimes, we face similar issues. Whatever you are going through in your relationship, it can be comforting to know that you are not alone.

    Effective communication: Most couples have drifted apart over the years for one reason or the other. Some blame it on pressure, could be personal, family, job, or financial. Lack of effective interaction between couples can affect their marriages. Communication is the building block of intimacy in marriage because through it couples can express their thoughts and feeling for each other. Remember, you are not a mind reader. The only way you can relate with each other is by talking. Therefore, for better communication, the sender must make sure that the message is clear, while the receiver must understand the message.

    Most times, couples hear each other talk, but they don’t listen, for a good marital relationship is to listen more. Seeing your spouse as somebody you can talk to about everything and he/ she will listen attentively without any distraction. Next is how to communicate. We communicate in different ways, verbal and nonverbal. Verbal communication is the use of words that is what you say, how you say it and when. To have an effective interaction with your spouse, you must get your timing right when you want to talk. It is very important.

    Spoken words are very powerful. They can make or destroy a marriage or relationship. The way you talk to your spouse stays more in their minds, whether harsh or kind words. Money in marriage should not be neglected. Couples should talk about their financial issues freely, although money is not everything in marriage. But when not tackled properly, it can make or affect a home. Many relationships have gone sour because of money issue, so couples should have financial discussion, plan and work together as a team following their budgets. There are no particular ways to dealing with money issue. Look for what will work for your family and follow it. Always talk to each other.

    Moreover, personality type must not be left out in discussing marital relationship. You must know your spouse very well. What kind of person is my wife or my husband is what should come to mind at all times. What are his/her likes and dislikes. Knowing these will help you know your boundaries which in return will help your marriage. Understanding is very important because that is the only way you can appreciate your spouse’s strength and shortcomings. Tolerance, patience and respect must be inclusive for a happy marriage. In addition, spending quality time together with your spouse must not be overlooked because it is the time you can relax, talking about personal romantic issues that are not centred on the children, bills or work. Talk about yourselves in a romantic atmosphere. Come on, you are married for crying out loud.

    Treat yourself. That takes me to the next point which is attitude to sex in marriage. Many marital beds have gone cold. Sex is more like a duty to most couples with little or no excitement. This has led to broken homes. Sex in marriage is a big deal. Like I will always say. Marriage is the only legal platform that you can do and undo. Not for the singles because I know I have young and single readers. Please, kindly excuse me. The manner towards sex in marriage for some couples is not acceptable. Some husbands pay little or no attention to romance. Their focus is on sex straight away. Some have this. It is my right attitude with no regards to the feelings of their spouse. Some forget to understand that they must put every little detail into consideration. They start the day, for example, by being nasty to their wives and at night they expect her to be up and doing in bed, wrong! With most women, the mood just has to be right. To get the best, you must start treating her well from the beginning. So at night, sex comes naturally.

    On the other hand, some women behaviour towards sex is not encouraging- some see sex as call of duty, having sex with their husband is performing their wifely role not to enjoy. Others always have excuses to give once it comes to sex.

    Most wives feel that it is not a woman’s place to initiate sex, so they suppress their feelings because they feel it is the man’s place to make the initial move. Sex should be discussed freely by couples, and this will enhance their relationship because sex creates a bond between a husband and a wife. It is to be enjoyed, so go ahead and spice up your love life.

    In conclusion, relationship is like a garden when you take time to attend and nurture it. You are blessed with beautiful flowers for the season. Therefore, when you tend your relationship, you will be blessed with joy, happiness and care.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • ‘Price Control Act has no relationship with fuel subsidy’

    The Chairman, OTL Africa Downstream, Emeka Akabogu has said fuel subsidy has nothing to do with the Price Control Act, and repealing or retaining the Act will have no effect on fuel subsidy removal programme.

    Akabogu was reacting to a statement made by the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Honourable Yakubu Dogara. Dogara reportedly said by law  the price of petroleum products must be controlled, and that the only legal way subsidy can be removed is to either amend or completely repeal the Price Control Act.

    Akabogu said: “With due respect to the Honourable Speaker, his contention is not entirely correct. Indeed, neither the Price Control Act nor facts as available relating to its operation show any impediment to the removal of fuel subsidy. It is important to note that what the Price Control Act prohibits is sale of “any controlled commodity at a price which exceeds the controlled price.” A necessary precondition to this provision is that the controlled commodity must have had a controlled price fixed in respect thereof.

    “By Section 5 of the Act, it is only the Board that can fix the controlled price by notice published in the Federal Gazette. I am not aware and the Honourable Speaker has not suggested that the Price Control Board has at any time fixed a controlled price in respect of petroleum products.

    “The position, therefore, is that where a price has not been fixed by the Board in respect of a controlled commodity, the Price Control Act is of no moment as far as that commodity is concerned. As far as petroleum products are concerned, no price has been fixed in respect thereof by the Price Control Board. The removal of subsidy on petroleum products, therefore, is not limited, affected nor impacted in any way by the Price Control Board Act.

    “The subsidy, which currently applies to petroleum products, is a function of the Petroleum Support Fund, which has no statutory backing. The Petroleum Products Pricing Regulatory Agency Act only provides for the PPPRA to determine a ‘pricing,” he said.

  • I’m still too young for a relationship –NOLLYWOOD ACTRESS SHARON EZEAMAKA

    I’m still too young for a relationship –NOLLYWOOD ACTRESS SHARON EZEAMAKA

    Sharon Ezeamaka was born for television; appearing as a child actor on a TV commercial at age two, and her first movie at age five. She has appeared in over 25 movies, and was on the popular TV shows Dear Mother for 8 years, and MNET Africa’s The Johnsons for two series. Starring as Princess in the current season of MTV Base drama, Shuga, Ezeamaka, who also produces 360nobs on TV, speaks to JOE AGBRO JR., about what she hopes to accomplish in the entertainment industry.

    EXPLAIN your character in Shuga?

    My character is Princess. She is a young naĂŻve girl, she’s Sophie’s little sister, and she came to Lagos (last season), trying to make it in Lagos, to be a Lagos big girl. She made a lot of mistakes, and became HIV positive. That’s basically my character.

    So, what was it like acting this character?

    It was fun. It was a lot of fun. First of all, I worked with so many incredible people, and they made my job easy. It was an experience, and adventure because Princess is different from me in like a billion ways. It was nice playing someone that is not like me.

    In what way are you different from Princess?

    Princess is very head-strong, and she wants to experience life. And she’s not even trying to be careful. Sharon on the other hand is very careful, very cautious and doesn’t care about experiencing the life (laughs). I’m a very cautious, quiet, reserved person. Princess is nothing like that. She’s loud and all that.

    So, was it difficult playing that role?

    Actually, it wasn’t. It was nice. It was fun. It wasn’t like 100 per cent easy, but it was definitely not difficult.

    When you describe yourself as being reserved, and quiet, how did you find yourself into acting, where you have to express yourself?

    I have been acting since I was a baby. I started doing commercials when I was two. I acted in my first film when I was five. Acting is my favourite thing. It’s something I have a huge passion for, so it’s easy to play different characters. I actually enjoy playing different characters. What other job in the world can you play a different character every time you’re on set? So, it’s fun for me.

    Did you study Theatre Arts, or how did you really get into acting?

    From modeling, and doing commercials. My agents got me my first acting gig, and I did it, and liked it. So, I just kept on at it.

    And that was when?

    In 1997.

    So, how many films have you acted in since then?

    I did a lot of movies when I was a child. And then, I was on a TV series, Dear Mother, for eight years. And then, I took a break from acting for about two to three years. And then, I came back in 2013, and did the last season of Shuga, season 3.

    How old are you?

    I’m 23 years old.

    Are you done with school?

    No, I’m going off to college next year to study acting.

    Where?

    So, generally, how has the experience of acting been for you?

    It’s been perfect.

    No hitches?

    No. There are times when I’ve had to work extra hard, like going for days without sleep, and all. But I enjoyed it, so I can’t really say it’s been difficult if I enjoyed doing it. For me, it was fun, it was adventurous. It was an amazing experience. My favourite time in the world is when I’m filming. So, I can’t exactly complain.

    When not acting, is there any other thing you’ll be doing?

    If I wasn’t an actor, I’d probably have studied law and became a criminal defense lawyer.

    Why?

    Because that is the other thing I love apart from acting. I love law. I mean, at some point in my life, I’ll probably still go to Law School.

    How would you compare the production of Shuga with other local film productions in the country?

    I think from when I started till now, the one thing I can say is that the industry has improved in a lot of ways. And it’s amazing to see that the quality of production, the quality of our films, our TV shows, everything is improving.

    What part do you think has not improved?

    There are still some hiccups. The industry is young; it’s only been around for 23 years. So, there is still so much we can do to make our things better, but I think we’re getting there. And eventually, we will get there.

    Some actresses have complained that they’ve had to do other things to get roles?

    That has never happened to me, so I can’t really comment on that. I’ve heard stories, but it has never happened to anybody I know personally, so I cannot comment on something that I haven’t experienced, or somebody that I know hasn’t personally experienced.

    Is this your first time on Shuga?

    No, I was in Shuga when it came to Nigeria last year.

    Comparing Season 3 and Season 4 of Shuga, are their improvements?

    Yeah. The story has developed a lot more, and there are new characters this season. And this Season is probably going to be a lot more intense than last season. There are so many things that are going to shock people. Like ‘how did that happen?’ Last season was more intense, but this season would be really intense.

    Shuga advocates safe sex, but with the spontaneity of sex, do you think that’s achievable?

    I think that’s the point of Shuga. What we’re trying to say is, ‘no matter how spontaneous, you have to remember that you have to play safe, and you have to be careful so you don’t get into trouble, and make mistakes that you’ll regret for the rest of your life.’ That’s actually one of the things that my character goes through in Shuga. She wasn’t careful, or cautious, so, she made a lot of mistakes. So, she had to deal with the mistakes. The whole point is ‘is be careful, play safe, for yourself and for your partner.’

    Are you in a relationship?

    No, I’m not at the moment.

    Why?

    Nothing (laughs)

    I mean, you’re beautiful…

    I was, but I’m not now.

    What happened?

    Nothing. I’m just in a place where I want to focus on myself and my career right now. And I think that’s okay. I’m still really young, so, I have time to do the whole relationship thing later. So, right now, I just want to focus on myself, my life and my career.

    So, what was it like leaving your relationship?

    It wasn’t weird. He’s still my friend. We talk from time to time. So, it’s all good.

    Do you think the message of sexual abstinence for youths is achievable in today’s world where sex is glamorized?

    I’m not completely against it, but the truth is young people would always do the opposite of what you tell them to do anyway. If you tell them to abstain, it would only make them want to do it more. So, I think the best we can do is to teach them how to be safe. But, I mean, abstinence is fine. I mean, to a certain age, yes, you should totally abstain. But, at some point, you’d want to experiment, and you’d want to do everything else, so you might as well just learn how to be safe, and ensure that the moment you’re having sex, you’re not getting STDs, or getting HIV, or getting pregnant when you’re not ready to have children.

  • Dealing with forgiveness in relationship

    Good day Harriet, Please, I want to learn how to forgive people because my problem is that I really don’t know how to forgive. This was a big problem in my previous relationship which I regret daily. I hope for another chance. Because of this, I will like you to throw more light on the issue of forgiveness. I need it seriously.

    Kingsley  A., Port-Harcourt.

     

    In some ways people have wronged us or we have wronged people, either through words or actions. Forgiveness is when the person that is hurt has decided to let go after an apology has been made. It is a personal decision to let go the pain caused by the action. Forgiveness makes you feel relief. It’s like a heavy weight has been lifted off your heart. Don’t forget when you bear grudges, you are actually the person that is putting his health in danger. Therefore, when you forgive, you are helping yourself. It makes way for kindness and compassion. It reduces anxiety, stress and hostility. It helps to reduce the intake of alcohol and abusive substances to ease off the pain, hurt or situation. Forgiving the person does not make the offence right or that you accept the wrong action. It is a way of peace with yourself and the person.

    How to forgive and let go: Sometimes, we find it difficult to let go, despite the fact that we claim to have forgiven our offender. Like some people will say: ‘I can forgive but I cannot forget’. To forget what was said or the action that was carried out or pretend that it never happened is not true because the word or action indeed took place. To let go which is regarded as forgetting, the following steps should be put into consideration: Talk about how the word or action has affected you. It could be your friend, your family member, your worker and so on. Make your message clear; pour out your emotion freely.

    Avoid violence because it is not the best way of resolving issue. Don’t be in denial. Tell the person your pain, bitterness and resentment. On the other hand, if writing them down will make you feel better, why not. The main issue here is that you need to let it out from your mind, so that you can get rid of the whole issue faster and move on. Because the sooner you forgive and let go, the better for you as a person. As a matter of fact, think right, speak right and act right;

    Think right: Changing your perspective about the person is very important.  Release the person from your heart, let go off the part of you that hates the other person or wishes him or her harm, dead or failure because if you keep holding on to these negative feelings, then it will affect your own life and make it hard for you to find happiness. Remember nobody is allowed to make you unhappy unless you allow it.

    Speak right: Discuss your hurt or pain freely. Let the person know how much pain their actions or words have caused you. Some people might not realize their offences until they are told. We differ in our personality, so when we say speak right, it simply means talk about the matter, iron things out freely, accept apology and let go. Don’t talk about the issue again since you have forgiven the person.

    Act right: Let your action shows that you have forgiven. When you see the person, try to be normal, agree it might not be the same immediately, depending on the offence, but let’s face it, you have decided to forgive the person, so to let go, show kindness to the person. Your action in the long run is what tells if you have actually “let go”. There’s a popular saying that “action speaks louder than words”. Make the person feel welcome. Don’t bring up the issue again, even when the person out of guilty is working hard to gain your trust again. Try not to make reference to the past. Kindly discourage and reassure the person that the issue is bygone. However, focus on the goals you want to meet in future that will improve your life instead of spending energy and time worrying over how somebody has wronged you. Continue to work on yourself. Improve those things you want to work on and see how much better you feel as you become a more caring, compassionate, well-rounded person. You have made a choice to forgive and forget. You should be proud of yourself for taking such a step not minding whether the person deserves it or not. The truth is that some people cannot change no matter what you say or do, simply because of their mindset. There are people who have certain ways of doing things, not putting others into consideration. So the only way to forgive such people when they  hurt you is to learn to understand and tolerate them.

    On the other hand, if you decide to hold a grudge, the effect is that you might pay the price repeatedly without knowing it by bringing bitterness and anger into every relationship and new experience you encounter because of your action. In some cases, your life might become so wrapped up in the wrong that you cannot enjoy the present which can affect your health. As Ann Landers said: “Hate is like an acid. It damages the vessel in which it is stored and destroys the vessel on which it is poured”.  Forgive and let go so that you can move on with your life. It gives you a clear understanding of different personalities, appreciating people strength and weaknesses.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Forming and sustaining a healthy relationship

    GOOD morning Harriet, Thank you for enriching us with your words of advice. May God continue to fill you with knowledge and wisdom. Please, I need you to counsel me on how to form and sustain a healthy relationship.

    Mr. Charles. N., Abuja

     

    FORMING a healthy relationship is one thing, and sustaining it is another great challenge that people face. Relationship generally is one aspect in life that is ongoing; we interact with people all the time, starting from our family members to friends, colleagues at work and so on. Forming a healthy relationship is one aspect that must not be taking for granted. There are certain qualities that must be considered before going into a relationship in the first place.  Some people, for instance, complain that their partners have changed after marriage.

    The truth is that the signs were there from the beginning, but the person involved has a mindset that she or he will change after marriage. The fact is that you can only change yourself and not your partner or spouse, though your new ways and attitude towards your spouse or partner might cause him or her to change. One aspect we must note is that we are of different backgrounds, personalities and ideologies, so the only way we can form a healthy relationship with others is to first understand these facts and know that you must give what you want to get. Our needs change with time, therefore, if you would like to feel understood, try being more understanding. If you want to feel more loved, try giving more love as well.

    Relationship is an investment like a bank account, so what you put is what you get. The big question is how to sustain a healthy relationship bearing in mind that there are several factors that might be affecting the relationship. These factors can be traced from different aspects. It could be internal or external, depending on the individual involved. Sometimes it could be as a result of unresolved issues which need to be solved. Other factors are: Effective communication: Being able to communicate effectively minimizes points of friction and makes conflict resolution easier. As we know, communication is actually a life wire of every relationship. It is the fuel on which the engine of relationship runs; it is a building block of intimacy.

    Communication involves how we express our thoughts, ideas and feelings to others. Through verbal or non-verbal communication, we convey our attitudes, values, priorities and beliefs. But for effective communication to be achieved, you need to bear the following in mind: Communication is not complete, if the message is not clear. The receiver must listen to get a clear message because most of the time, people can hear people talk, but they are not listening in order to get the right message. To sustain a healthy relationship, you need to listen more and talk less. As obvious as this may seem, many couples, for example, are not very good at communicating effectively, while those who are able to openly express their feelings in an emotionally safe environment typically deals with situations as they come up and avoid burying frustrations which always have a way of coming out at some point.

    In addition, the aspect of a good role model cannot be neglected simply because your upbringing forms who you are. If you grow up in a home where domestic violence is the language of the day, that will affect the way you relate with people even your loved ones. You can only give love, care and tolerance when you have it or when you are raised in such a manner.  Moreover is the aspect of “what” which can be seen as the initial attraction. From time to time, it is good to remind yourself what attracted you to that person. What is your common interest? Having different interests shows that you have an exciting life which might be rewarding which does not leave you with dull moments. In such cases, it is not compulsory that your partner or spouse must share in your interests, but it is very vital that you have some that are common to you. This takes us to our next tip: expectation. Be realistic in your expectations. Some people have out-of-this-world expectations, forgetting that we are human and that no one is perfect. Tolerate what you cannot change; know that we cannot be the same and that everybody has his strengths and weaknesses just like you. Sustaining a healthy relationship takes hard work. It doesn’t just happen.

    Common goal:  Working towards a common goal that will benefit both partners, for example, will not only support their commitments, but also serve to deepen their feeling of intimacy and connectedness.

    Decision making: To form and sustain a healthy relationship, the other person must be allowed to make his or her own contribution. Once you have decided to go into a relationship, you must recognize that it cannot be “ I” always in your relationship, but “we”. Learn to respect the other person’s opinion, even when you don’t agree with it.

    Anger: This is said to be a relationship killer, if it not managed properly because it makes you self absorbed and prevents you to see the good aspect of situation. Dealing with people with anger does not solve anything. If you notice you are angry, kindly give yourself time to calm down before discussing or taking any decision.

    Financial issues: Although money is not everything in relationship, it could make or unmake a home, if not handled properly. Money is the roots of most problems in marriage. From the onset, it is important to bring the issue of money on the table openly. Talk about your earnings, your spending habit, how you want to apportion money for running the home and savings and so on. If you are able to discuss your finances easily, then you will be able to handle challenges as they come.

    Self evaluation: This is another aspect that is very important. It is the ability to tell yourself the truth, if you are at fault or not.

    In conclusion, to form and sustain a healthy relationship is a choice. Choose to care about ways of developing your techniques, so that you can have a longer and stronger relationship.

     

    Harriet ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08023058805. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj

  • Unfaithfulness in relationship

    TALKING generally on unfaithfulness in a relationship, I think women have the upper hand, but they can be very discreet about it.

    It could take years, if not eternity for her spouse to know that she’s cheating. But men are not so very good at covering up such loopholes.

    And I think this has to do with the fact that women really devote more time for their spouse more than their male counterparts. They monitor their movements, calls, text messages and even going to extent of constantly searching his pockets just to check for evidence to nail him.

    Some women who are in doubt of their husbands’ fidelity go as far as trying to perceive the smell of the perfumes on their clothes every time they return from work to cross-check, if they have deviated from the ones they wear in the morning to expensive feminine colognes.

    Just like the saying that when women suspect their men are cheating, they do investigations more than the FBI.

    Funnily enough, when we snoop out something fishy and suspicious, we stir up a serious quarrel that might lead to a fight, but at the end of the whole drama, we still remain “unmoved”.

    Others who feel more threatened with the workers or staff around their husbands, always see one flimsy excuse or the other to lurk around his working place or office like an overprotective lioness watchful of any “unfriendly” being to attack.

    But if a woman finds herself caught in the web of infidelity, she does everything humanly possible to make her affairs a top secret. I’ll also give it to the women for their great skills in lying. Men are liars, but women are better and smarter ones.

    One assignment I would give to all married and about-to-married couple is to make sure they play their cards well because for a man or women to cheat on his or her spouse, there must have been a leakage from either of the parties. They could probably be some things you are not doing right, neglecting or overdoing.

    If I were you (the wife), instead of going on the street or marketplace to wage war against those “husband snatchers”, I would rather go back to my drawing board and sort out that big hole where the water that is “rocking” your marriage infiltrated from.

    Maybe you’re no longer doing it right; I mean those wacky and funky things you do that trip him and drive him wild- especially in sex related areas. You suddenly sub-peddled, believing that you have succeeded in capturing him for life. My dear, you have to put in a lot of effort to get what you want, but still have to work harder to maintain, sustain and retain it.

    You are so relaxed and gulps down anything edible  that comes your way and had deviated from the sexy looking chic he married into a “rounded unattractive fellow”, alias Orobo. You no longer value your personal hygiene and charms.

    Worse still, you would leave your hair so unkempt or old, worn out and smelly, adopting the I-don’t- care attitude for those little things that mattered and you expect your darling husband to hang on and keep putting up with the absurd behaviour of yours.

    Put on your thinking cap, woman. Men are not easy to have for keeps these days. If you doubt me, ask desperate single ladies who have turned into night clawers, visiting one native doctor or the other, seeking for solutions to their marital status.

    I know it’s not easy combining the jobs of a mother, wife and worker or trader, but your primary objective should be how to take good care of your home- yourself inclusive.

    You can hold your husband down by spicing up your sex lives on daily basis. Learn different styles and positions from books,the internet or wherever and practise them with your hubby. Show him the real stuff you are made of. You can also form the habit of buying that skimpy, sexy night wear. Those nights, you observe that he’s in a good mood; you surprisingly put it on for him- for his eyes only. Make him grow goose pimples anytime he remembers you in his office. Even when he’s not in town, the thoughts of you would be over him and he would hurry up with whatever official engagement that took him out there, dash back to you for another treat.

    In fact, all women have all it takes to make both the head of their husband and that of its third leg, spin and jubilate whenever the thought of you crosses their minds.

    Our men are very caring and lovable, but what you get from them also depends on how you treat them or what you have to offer. It’s a give-and-take kind of relationship.

    So, my dear sisters, if your husband or partner is important to you, then keep him at home with your good manner, good food, crazy sex styles, personal and general hygiene, good communication skills and top of it all, prayer.

    Learn to pray for your husband and household every day and time. He needs it. Temptations would come, but he’ll surpass them all.

    Give him a good home not just a magnificent empty house devoid of peace, love and fun. You can THANK ME later.

  • Relationship is by choice

    Relationship is by choice

    Actress Shola Popoola is among the beautiful young up and coming actresses aiming to take over the reign of affairs in the Nigerian movie, especially the Yoruba genre. In this interview with DUPE AYINLA-OLASUNKANMI, Shola speaks about life as actress, her journey into the world of acting and several other issues among other issues. Excerpts:

    HOW did you start acting?

    I started in 2004 when I joined a group, led by Atewolara Segun

    What were you doing before that time?

    I was in school at Olabisi Onabanjo University

    So which was your first movie?

    My first movie was titled Eni ikoko. It was produced by ba’iroyin and was shot in Ibadan in 2004.

    What attracted you to acting?

    Well, it started when I was younger. I was a member of the drama group in my church, so it just developed like that.

    As an actress, what would you describe as your highpoint?

    To be sincere with you, I don’t think that I have reached that point that I can describe as my highpoint. For me, this is just the beginning and the sky is not even my limit. I believe am just coming and sky is just d beginning for me. I really want to make a formidable impact in the industry and make a good name for myself. With God, I believe that all those things are achievable.

    Some people have said that acting does not really pay. What can you say about this?

    Well, that is relative. It depends on what you really want and how you go about it. Moreover, when you get to some stage, you will discover that some things will fall into place for you. But before that time, you need to be patient and take your time.

    The fad now is for actors and actresses to also produce. Have you produced any movie?

    Yes. The first was entitled Ayowamiri. I also have another one, entitled Fagbajale. It featured artistes like Toyin Adegbola, Yomi Fash and Aishat Balohun among several others.

    Many people believe it is easier for girls to succeed in the industry than their male colleagues. How true is this?

    I cannot really speak on that. But it is not in all cases, it depends on some circumstances.

    Depends on what?

    I think it depends on the type of boss that you have. If you a good boss, that may give you a good platform to succeed. But a bad boss may even work against your progress.

    Have you been affected in any way by this?

    I have not been affected in any way.

    Are you aware of ‘sex for role’ allegations?

    Are you so sure about this?

    Very sure

    Have you had any ugly experience with a male producer?

    Not really.

    What do you mean by not really?

    I mean that as a person, I have never had any such experience.

    How were able to make this possible?

    That was what I meant when I talked about a good boss. In this respect, Toyin Adegbola has done very well to protect me.

    You have male admirers. How do you handle them?

    That’s normal. But with God, handling them is a small thing.

    But there must be a particular way you handle them

    For me, such thing as having a relationship cannot be forced on you. It is something that you do by choice.

    What would you do if a male asks you for sex to give you role?

    This is a serious question. But to answer your question, if any man comes my way, it is either yes or no. But the truth is that with my status in the industry, I don’t believe any producer can ask me for sex in exchange for role. It can never happen.

    What do you like in a man?

    I love men who are God-fearing.

    Are you sure that is all you want in a man?

    Of course, my man should be loving, caring, honest and romantic

    What is your definition of being romantic?

    There are no two ways to being romantic now.

    What kind of man can you marry?

    I already married.

    How is life as a married woman?

    It is fine and lovely.

    Any particular thing you miss from being single?

    I don’t miss anything.

    Really?

    Yes. I repeat, I don’t miss anything

    Do you have any particular beauty routine?

    No

    What is the biggest fee you have received for a role?

    I can’t tell you that.

    Why?

    It is because it is not necessary.

    Okay. What is the smallest fee you have received?

    It depends on some factors. You know we don’t have any fixed fee.

    Have you acted for free?

    I have done it many times. In our industry, you cannot escape such thing.

    So how do you make your money?

    I have other businesses that I do

    What is your experience so far as an actress?

    Again, I give the glory to God for His provision.

    Tell me about any bad experience you have had

    Imagine going to location for days, and at the end of the day, you go home with nothing in your pocket. If you talk, the producer will beg you, believing that you would have to heed their plea. It is tough to cope with such life.

    And what about the good experience?

    You producers who are willing to drop your fee into your account even before you step your feet on the location.

    What is the secret of your beauty?

    God and good maintenance

    How do you maintain?

    By eating good food, using good cream and having good rest. Of course, you take time to relax.

  • Fresh Escravos violence tests Itsekiri/Ijaw relationship in Delta

    Fresh Escravos violence tests Itsekiri/Ijaw relationship in Delta

    Will there ever be a time that the Ijaw and Itsekiri in Delta State will live in unity? Events of the last decades suggest it will never happen. S’South Regional Editor Shola O’Neil reports on the fresh violence between the two groups in Escravos

    The early Tuesday morning fracas between the Ijaw and Itsekiri in Escravos area of Warri South West Local Government Area of Delta State once again highlighted how delicate the relationship between the two ethnic groups has remained, over 10 years after the end of the fratricidal war between them from 1997 to 2014.

    That war, which was the predecessor of the Niger Delta crisis, led to thousands of death, particularly on the side of the Itsekiris, whose communities were plundered and sacked from Warri South, South West and North LGAs.

    Trouble again broke out in the wee hours of that Tuesday after three irate Itsekiri boys attacked and brutally wounded an Ijaw security guard working at the site of a deep sea project in the area. The dastardly attack drew a very tough and brutal response from Ijaw militias.

    Over 30 youths armed with sophisticated weapon, took off from one of their communities, thought to be Oporoza, and stormed Madangho, an Itsekiri community located opposite the Escravos Tank Farm and Gas to Liquid complex of Chevron Nigeria Limited, in the dead of the night.

    For several hours they rained bullets on the town from the seashore. People, including the elderly women, youths and children who were rudely woken up from sleep, scampered for safety in the dead of the night. Several persons were wounded in their desperate bids to get out of harm’s away. The fleeing persons crawled out of the ‘war front’ on their belly, ostensibly to avoid stopping flying bullets. One source said flying bullets wheezed passed his head severally.

    “It was almost a return to the Warri crisis; fathers forgot their children and ran for dear lives. Men, women and everybody took off and ran into the bushes, some jumped into the river and swam away to safe shores. It was the same madness all over again,” a menial laborer in the town who simply identified as Friday told our reporter.

    When the staccato of gunfire died, some of the marauders disembarked from their boats, doused houses with petrol and set them afire. They left a trail of destruction on other parts of the town. Hours later, an eerie silence fell over the darkness, reaching as far as Ode-Ugborodo, Ajuadaibo, Ogidigben and Arunto, the other Itsekiri settlements that make up Ugborodo, and even Warri and beyond.

    Panicky inhabitants were already packing their bags and girding their loins, ready to beat a hasty exit should the gunfire come nearer their in habitation. Painful memories of deaths, blazing guns and burning houses came back for those who witnessed the seven-year pogrom. However thry were relieved when the gunfire died and reports came that the siege was over.

    But the interregnum of silence didn’t last long; the marauders returned again with more weapons and ammunition and the orgy of shooting and violence returned with them. But this time the sporadic gunfire attracted the attention of a military post in the area.

    A source said: “The soldiers came and they faced-off for a while, after which the marauders felt they had had enough. They pulled out and left, but kept on shooting until their boats were safely in the centre of the river and zoomed off.”

    Tension had gripped the areas since early January when ex-militants threatened to unleash mayhem if President Jonathan did not win the election. The tension became even more palpable when the APC candidate won the March 28 election.

    “That night we monitored the results until the winner was announced. We had people watching the waterways for any sign of impending invasion because we know that they (ex-militants) cannot go and fight the Hausa/Fulani in the north, we would be their targets,” one Ugborodo youth said.

    Although the intervention of the military men brought the Tuesday morning party to an abrupt close, it was clear that the intention of the attackers was not to kill their victims. “It was more a show of might more than anything. They wanted to show their counterparts that they could still hit them hard if they want to,” a security source in the area told our reporter.

    Frantic telephone calls between some notable elements on both sides pulled the attackers out of the brink. One of the Itsekiri youths, who called our reporter when the second shooting started at about 3:45am, later said: “We learnt that the council chairman, Chief George Ekpemupolo (sibling of Government Ekpemupolo (Tompolo), David Tonwe and Tompolo were in constant touch that night and made frenetic efforts to reach out to their people to ensure that the matter didn’t escalate. They have been working together for peace and they were able to calm the situation and ensure that it didn’t get out of hand.”

    The Commanding Officer, 3 Battalion of the Nigerian Army, Lt Col. Ekong Bassey, confirmed that the leaders from both sides waded into p the matter and we’re working hard to ensure that the situation did not escalate further. He urged both parties to continue to be law abiding and not take action that could torpedo the existing peace in the area.

    Still, inspire of the security presence, the aggrieved Ijaw youths mounted blockades on the waterways and prevented boats carrying Itsekiri people or persons from the Itsekiri communities from going to Warri and other destinations. Transport boats taking passengers and commodities to the area from upland towns were also turned back.

    Chief Ayirimi Emami denounced the invasion and subsequent burning of houses in Madangho. He traced the initial action of the Itsekiri youths to the disagreement over the project land and the clearing of same site without consultation with the committee set up by the state government.

    “Besides, whatever happened at the project site was not enough for some people to roll out guns and visit mayhem on defenseless community people. It is a clear act of banditry and totally uncalled for and must be condemned. There are fights everyday in other communities, people don’t unleash heavy weapons and brute force on their neighbours. This has shown that there is more to it,” Emami told our reporter in a telephone chat on Wednesday.

    His claim confirmed persistence of mutual distrust between the two sides over the years, in spite of several attempts at peace building. Our reporter noted that minor disagreements between them are almost always followed by threats of war and reenactment of the seven years of bloodletting and bestiary killings.

    Our investigation revealed that the Tuesday skirmish was a carryover of the Ijaw/Itsekiri crisis. Ikpokpo (or Kpokpo), depends on which side is staking the claim, was said to be one of the communities seized by the Ijaws after sacking dozens of communities from their weaker neighbours in the 1990s crisis.

    The community, which borders Ugborodo and Gbaramatu, Ijaw and Itsekiri clans, had remained almost fallow since the end of the war. It became attractive following the siting of the $16billion Delta Gas City project in the area by the outgoing President Goodluck Jonathan administration.

    Although the project was initially named after Ogidigben, one of five settlements that make up the Ugborodo community, trouble started when the Gbaramatu demanded their inclusion as stakeholder. Their argument was that Ikpokpo, which is site of the deep sea arm of the mega project, was theirs. Chief Godspower Gbenekama, a prominent Gbaramatu leader, said the land was theirs, warning that they would resist the injustice.

    The contention and subsequent threat of war by the Ijaw infamously led to President Goodluck Jonathan’s postponement of the groundbreaking ceremony at least thrice. He sited security challenges and threat to peace. The Itsekiri, in return, famously tagged him an ethnic President, memo they also accused of pandering to the whims and caprices of his kinsmen.

    Although the ceremony was later performed on the 26 of March, it was alleged that the President motive merely part of his national vote-hunting drive on the eve of the presidential election,which he later lost, than because he felt genuinely committed to the project, as the Itsekiri had threatened to vote massively against him.

    Prior to the March 26 event, the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC), which oversees the Federal Government’s stake in the project; Delta State Government and other stakeholders from the two ethnic groups met severally to hammer out a mutually satisfactory peace deal. According to the term of the deal, the gas project remain in Ogidigben, while the deep sea port recede into Gbaramatu in order to create a win-win scenario for all parties.

    Despite that deal, some stakeholders, particularly the Itsekiri people remained unperturbed and unimpressed. Notable among the disgruntled member was the effervescent Chief Emami. He insisted that the NNPC had not come out to explain to the Itsekiri if it was acquiring a fresh parcel of land from the Ijaw or it if was the same land that they have earmarked for the project.

    Notable Itsekiri politicians and aspirants kept their part of the deal and worked with Governor Emmanuel Uduaghan to ‘deliver’ the President and other candidates of the People’s Democratic Party (PDP) in the general elections. Emami, who was uncomfortable with the deal, left the PDP and pitch his tent with the opposition All Progressive Congress. Emami, He accused some of his kinsmen of selling their tribe for their business and political interests.

    At the time of this report on Wednesday, calm had return to the area; the waterways was opened to nor business and people of the sides have left the trenches. Yet, some persons believe that the existing peace is merely the peace of the graveyard.

    In the words of one of the beleaguered residents, “Nobody knows when another round of shooting will take place. We are not sleeping with our eyes close yet, not today or tomorrow.”

     

  • Keeping the fire burning in a relationship

    RELATIONSHIPS take work and to keep it fresh, requires finding ways to keep the love flame burning between the two of you. Without that fire, the relationship will grow cold and distant and will die a slow but sure death.

    With a few small steps, you can keep the love fire burning as bright as the day you first realized you were made for each other.

    Don’t sweat the small stuff. Find three qualities about your partner that you love and just remain focused on these three qualities all day long. If you need to, write it down somewhere to remind yourself about them as you go about your day. No matter what happens, ignore all of those little irritating moments or habits that drive you crazy.

    Let your partner know you are there for them no matter what.

    Set aside time to really listen to your partner. In today’s busy life and between children and work, this might be more difficult than you think. And I don’t mean listen to him while you are preparing dinner. I mean really listen, sitting so you can look into each other’s eyes and have no other interference. You should do this for at least a few minutes every day but if you have to, make a listening date.

    Buy him/her something special. Buying gifts for Christmas or birthdays or other anniversaries are great but if you want to keep the love fire burning between you, you need to go a bit further. Sometimes when things are not going so well, we need to be reminded of better times.   Find a picture of the two of you smiling happily, frame it or put it up on the fridge with a note that says: “I love to see us happy.”

    Make your partner’s load a little lighter. If you have assigned chores at home, surprise him or her and just do it. There is nothing sexier to a woman than not having to do the dishes or cook dinner for one whole evening. And if you wash his car in your shorts and white t-shirt, he is sure to show you his appreciation.

    Play the wishes-and-dreams game. As we grow and get older, our dreams change. Set aside a night when the two of you can express your wishes and dreams to each other. At the end of your evening, keep love burning by choosing a wish and let it come true.

    To keep love burning in a relationship isn’t difficult. If you follow even just a few of these suggestions, your love fire will burn high and you will be the two old lovers the young people ooh and ah about.