The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • 10 important tips for dating in your 30s

    By Praise Olowe

     

    Dating in your 30s can feel very different from dating in your 20s. This is because as you’re older, you’re naturally carrying around a lot more baggage and of course there is also more pressure on every side.

    However, with these tips in mind, dating in your 30s would be made super easy and interesting.

    Understand that age is just a number

    It is important for you to know that age is just a number and it only matters when you make it matter.

    You need to stop looking at age as a “barrier”. Do not be pressured to settle for what’s not because of your age. There is nothing wrong with dating in your 30s since it is preparing you for forever.

    Know exactly what you want

    If you’ve never really thought about what you want in a partner, then now is the time to figure it out so you can find the right fit. Write down the names of the last few people you dated. Next to each name, list the top five things you liked about them and the top five things you didn’t like about them. You’ll probably notice that there are common descriptors on the list. The top qualities that you liked about these people are what you should look for in your next relationship.

    Let go of the past and focus on the future

    Nearly everyone who is single in their 30s has dealt with some form of heartbreak. Now is the time to leave the past in the past. Yes, your past has shaped who you are, but it’s your past, not your present or future. Instead of dwelling on your past, focus on what is happening now and look where you are going next.

    Let your guard down

    When you’ve been in a lot of unsuccessful relationships, a natural defence mechanism is to put your guard up. If you don’t let anyone in, then you won’t get hurt, right? However, if you don’t let anyone in, you probably won’t end up finding the one. When the time is right and you’ve met someone you’re into who is also into you, let your guard down and tell yourself everything will be okay.

    Focus on having Fun

    When you’re in your 30s, it’s easy to get caught up in thinking about the things you don’t have yet. You haven’t met the one, you’re not married, you don’t live in a beautiful house, and you don’t have kids. Wanting all of these things is okay, but grilling every person you date to see if they have what it takes to fulfil your expectations is not. Focus on having fun and getting to know the person. What’s the point of being in a relationship at any age if you’re not having fun? It shouldn’t be a job and it shouldn’t be depressing. A relationship should bring joy, laughter, and love whether you are 18 or 45.

    Read Also: ‘My husband takes care of his mother than our kids’

    Communication is Key

    Good communication is crucial to any relationship. When you are dating in your 30s, you should be able to talk to your significant other openly and honestly. Likewise, they should be able to talk to you candidly. Got into your first fight? Talk it out maturely

    Don’t waste your time

    Don’t waste your time. If you’re not into someone, stop talking to them, stop texting them, and stop hanging out with them. Life is too short. Wouldn’t you much rather get a good night of sleep than be out drinking empty calories with a person you’re just not that into?

    Trust your gut

    If you have a gut instinct about someone, trust it. Listen to your intuition. If something is telling you that they’re not right, then they’re probably not.

    Do you and be you

    Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. The real you will always come through eventually, so be yourself from the beginning. Own who you are. Nothing is more attractive than someone who is comfortable in their own skin. Don’t settle, but stop seeking perfection.

     

    Realize that waiting for the right person is more important than being pressured to settle for the wrong one

    Because you are in your 30s and everyone wants you to find a partner, it’s easy to make stupid mistakes. Be focused on finding what you want, what is best for your future.

  • How to gain an unfair advantage over a rival … and win over the one you love

    Are you being kept up late at night worried sick that you would never be able to find or keep your true love because of a rival? Suspecting your date, lover or your spouse having an extramarital relationship? Here’s what you could do so you could win back the one you love and keep them!

    (1) Show your partner you respect their choices more than anyone else.

    Do not do anything or say anything which forces your partner to do things or see things your way! If they have to make their choice whether they want you or the other person, give them no excuses to leave you for somebody else, show them your respect!

    No one likes to live under the control of another person. Your partner will more likely choose you if you can show him or her that you are willing to give them the freedom to make their own choices and respect his / her wishes.

    (2) Do not try to compete

    Do not try to compete with your rival, if you have one around. When you are competing, you are struggling, and when you are struggling, you create a lot of negative energy around you, leading to unpleasant experiences with the people who just happen to be with you. Instead, try to create opportunities that lead to positive experiences, especially with your partner around.

    Let your partner feel that they can feel more at ease when he or she is together with you. Let your partner feel more comfortable being with you than with somebody else.

    (3) Avoid discussing issues relating to your rivals.

    Whenever you are with your spouse or lover do not keep asking or questioning them on issues relating related to your rival (Examples: “Where did you go yesterday?” “What did you give her…”, “Why does he / she do this…”, you get what I mean).

    Asking such questions would only put his defense system on autopilot and his / her replies to you might not be truthful too. Most often than not, such discussions lead to unpleasant experiences with your partner, both of you might even fight or quarrel over an insignificant issue and further ruin your relationship.

    So give your partner freedom of choice. Let them do whatever they want and like, and you will find that they will appreciate your understanding. If your partner finds that he/she can breathe easier when being with you than with the other person, they will come back to you, with no effort on your part!

    (4) Stop clinging to your spouse or lover like sticky glue

    Recall the type of person you once were when you first started seeing and dating your lover or your spouse. That ‘person’ you once were is the person whom your lover or spouse once loved deeply.

    Be that ‘person’. When you were that ‘person’, you were someone who did not cling to your partner like a parasite. You were independent, carefree, and full of zest for life! This is the real ‘you’ whom your partner love and like to be with.

    So drop all those attachment. Practice detachment instead. If your relationship is failing, other people will tell you ‘Your partner has changed.’, or ‘People change. This is life.’ Instead, pause for a moment and ask yourself “Has my partner really change? Or is it I who have changed?” Have you changed to someone who has become too demanding in your relationship? Your partner love you for who you are. So ‘be’ that independent person you once were!

    Keep the above tips in mind, and you can be sure that you will the heart of the one you love without any effort on your part!

  • How to talk to your two to five-year-old children about sex

    A lot of times, parents are afraid of the word “SEX”, in some cases it creates great discomfort and proves difficult especially if there is no closeness between parent/guardian and child. Talking to your child about sex doesn’t have to be difficult (or embarrassing). It is important to have the conversation early and occasionally. You can be rest assured that your home will become a safe and comfortable environment for your child to ask questions, also the peace of mind knowing that child has the ability to determine right and wrong.

    Your child needs to hear accurate information about sex from you and not from “outsiders”. This includes the basics (vaginal, oral, and anal sex), birth control, sexual assault, sexual molestation, and your family’s moral beliefs. Your child needs to know that he or she can talk with you about sex. They can talk with you about their changing bodies, their feelings, their concerns, and their confusion.

    You don’t have to know all of the answers to their questions. However, you should be willing as a parent to help them find those answers, it is not something you should keep shifting or delegate to some other person.  Help them do the research when you don’t know the answers. You need to be approachable. You need to make them comfortable talking with you about sex.

    Don’t wait until your child asks you about sex before you find the right words. Plan ahead at every age and stage. Be prepared to discuss all kinds of sexual activity, as well as same sex relationships and most importantly once they hit two years old and start understanding words, start discussions on names of body parts, 90 percent of children of today learn about sex from Visuals.

    A major focus for this particular age group we are discussing about is learning about boundaries and what is and isn’t appropriate when it comes to touching—or being touched—by other people even parents.  They need to understand the concept of CONSENT.

    It is crucial that even young children learn to ask before they touch someone else. Lessons around sharing, touch-based games like tickling, and asserting your own boundaries, such as telling a child when it is and isn’t OK to climb onto your lap, all help to create a more intuitive understanding of consent. Lots of children who are comfortable with climbing on the laps of their parents need to understand that this should not be applicable or acceptable.

    Read Also: Sex education key to ending sex abuse among children – Mothers

    Establishing that kids have a say over their own bodies also helps with keeping them safe. While you can skip the explicit details because they may not understand every detail based on lack of vocabulary, you can use the opportunity to tell your child that others should never ask to or try to touch their genitals. It is very important to convey to your children about inappropriate actions at any time, even if they’ve previously kept it a secret, they need to Tell you, which also means they need to trust you and except you to take necessary action appropriately

    At this age, children can be very curious about each other’s bodies. As a parent you need to acknowledge this inquisitiveness and not shout at them or discourage them from it, if they do not get the answers from you, they will get it elsewhere, parents should use it as an entry point to discuss family’s rules and values.

    Talk to them explicitly about when it’s appropriate to be naked, and if you do catch your kids playing “doctor or “mummy and daddy”, don’t faint or scream as is the first reaction of most parents. Instead, discuss how it’s not appropriate to handle other people’s genitals, as these are very special parts of the body that shouldn’t be touched by others. At this age, your child might begin asking how babies are made. These questions are inevitable!! The easiest way out is, knowing the amount of detail you can go into really depending on how much you think your child can comprehend or understand. If your child wants more information, you might try something like, two grown-ups get their bodies together and share the sperm and the egg to make a child like you, or sometimes they get the sperm or egg from someone else.

    It is totally ok to tell your child that some details, like how sperm and egg meet, will be discussed later, you may not be able to give all details at once, please do not lie.  Ensure to follow up with those questions and not just refuse to talk about certain things. As a parent/guardian you can tell you children about their own birth story, which lets you tailor the details to your family’s specific situation. Just be sure to note that your child’s birth story is just one of many ways that families are made.

    It’s important to introduce kids of this age group to the idea that families and relationships can be built in various ways. If your kids are part of or are regularly around non-traditional families, they’ll naturally pick up on this. But if they aren’t, make sure that you have a few good books that aren’t just on nuclear, heterosexual families, because it is important to note that your children will be exposed to many other ideas on what “family” is meant to be and may be confused.

    You don’t have to fit everything into one conversation, take it slowly. Listen carefully even if you may not agree with their opinion, exposure to social media at very young age, movies, cartoons and all sorts make them form opinions quite early these days.

    Take the time, no matter how busy you may be to have the courage to educate your child about sex and sexuality. Be the one who shapes your child’s sexual development and do not leave it to others to do for you, it is your responsibility.

  • ‘I love my husband beating me, I enjoy seeing him angry’

    ‘’Some of you might think I am mental, but I am very normal. Bom I love my husband beating me, I enjoy seeing him angry. Don’t call me crazy it is just my person .

    “He used to beat the living daylight out of me and sometimes I bleed but I still survive it . We have lived like that for 2 years and he has killed 3 of my unborn kids out

    “of that but I don’t mind, God will give us more. But now he has repented and found Christ according to him and he has become too calm. He does not shout or raise

    “his hand on me again and the marriage is now full. So I met this tanker driver that use to beat me and give me money, I love the guy so much because he is too strong. Bom I am pregnant and I don’t know if should keep it because my husband has not touched me since he found Jesus.’’

    What is your advice for this young lady?

    BOM

  • 7 reasons you should keep your marriage private

    An adage state: “Relationships last longer when nobody knows nothing about it”.

     Relationship is sometimes a reserved place where two people could find solace, trust and support, driven by a commitment to honour, love, and respect.

     Marriages require a few essential elements to maintain. At the top of the list is privacy.

    Getting married is one thing, sustaining the marriage is another. In times past, people were very quick to allow others meddle into issues affecting their families, especially when it involves one of the spouses.

    While this, in some cases, has its benefits, one of which includes seeing things from another party’s perspective. However, there are a lot of times when extra people were brought into family affairs, and things don’t go in the best direction.

       Given that not everyone actually is happy that you are happy and they are looking for opportunity to spoil the happiness.

    Therefore, these are seven reasons you should keep your marriage private.

    Read Also: Six tips to identify fake interviews

    1.      You Open Yourself To Negative Opinions:

    Most times when we vent and go about expressing our anger and displeasure about our spouse, we often talk mostly about the partner’s faults and not ours. Also, most times we usually relay these complaints to people close to us, probably our friends or a family member we are close to.

    It is likely for that family member of yours to take you side and God help you the person you reported your spouse to dislikes your spouse. This will be the perfect opportunity to “badmouth” your spouse. Hence, you are usually more open to negative opinions when you go outside of your marriage to resolve issues.

    2. You can filter pictures, not your relationship:

    The evolution of social media has only increased our lust for recognition and makes it easier to get. However, becoming intoxicated by the attention of others is dangerous for your relationship. The issue arises when a couple is more in love with the glamour of having a social media relationship than an actual bond.

    Keeping your relationship private keeps your motivations pure. You want to make sure that every day you decide to move forward in your relationship you are doing so because you couldn’t imagine a life without your partner, not because you are addicted to the false approval of social media viewers. That’s the relationship goals.

    3. It gives the chance for your ex to be in your business:

     The only worse than a third party being in your marriage is allowing your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend it could jeopardize the marriage, if the marriage doesn’t have a strong bond. Hell bent and determined to poke holes in your new love affair. Disclosing too much to your ex can leave the relationship vulnerable. “Be wise”.

    4.  Everyone won’t be happy for you:

    There are some people so distraught with their own lives and will go out of their way to ruin other people’s happiness. The bitter truth is, not everyone wants to see you move forward, and certainly not happy. Sad, yes but true.

    This is why you should be careful about expressing your complaints to third parties. The less people know about your personal life, the less they have to speak on.

    5. It can displease your spouse:

    Most of our spouse’s doesn’t like the idea of allowing third party in the marriage so any time you share problems with others, it can displease the spouse and even become embarrassing.

     It can damage their image in front of others and while you and your spouse have moved on about the issue, the third party may not and it can affect their relationship with your partner.

    6.   You tend to put too much pressure on your relationship:

    This is particularly true when you are a “social media couple”. Every little thing you do, you are quick to post online or any trip you go before we know it, it’s on the gram. This has a way of putting a lot of pressure on your relationship.

    Relationships are already hard work without feeling the need to impress other people. Give your relationship and your partner a stress free environment to learn, make mistakes, and evolve without feeling weighed down by the need to uphold a false image created by social media.

    7.    Why should you not keep your marriage private?

    Honestly, keeping your marriage a private affair saves you a whole lot of headache and even make the marriage peaceful and blissful so why should you not? Fine you may not keep it a secret but really, you should keep your marriage, your home private!

  • Living with a stranger (2)

    THERE is no way our marriage can be changed…” In 1997, one of Laura’s co-workers, Rita, told Laura about FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember® conference. It was a three-day marriage conference that Rita and her husband went to every year to refresh their marriage.

    Laura and Adam could not cover the cost, but for their anniversary Laura’s parents paid for their conference registration, and Adam’s parents paid for their hotel.

    Broken and hurting, the Browns attended the conference. “Some of your marriages will be changed this weekend,” one speaker told them on the first night. But Laura was skeptical, thinking, “There is no way our marriage can be changed in one weekend.”

    But those same words brought Adam hope. “He said that if we had an open heart and an open mind and were diligent to do the homework that our marriage could be changed,” Adam recalls. “I was ready to pay attention.”

    The next morning, the gospel was presented, and for the first time Adam understood his need for Christ. “It was November 12, but for me it was like the Fourth of July,” Adam says. “Fireworks were going off in the back of my head—I was finally getting it!” That morning, Adam dedicated his life and his marriage to the leadership of Christ.

    “We prayed together, and it was incredible,” Laura says. “The presence of the Lord was there, and we knew that God could change our marriage, making it new and filling the void that we felt. We realized that we were trying to do everything on our own, but we could never fix it. It had to be God, changing Adam’s heart and giving me hope again.”

    That night they went to their favorite restaurant and talked for hours at a level of communication they had never before reached. “I’ll never forget looking across the table and feeling intense love for this man, where 24 hours before I did not love him at all,” Laura says. “Now I had a love that said I can forgive you for whatever we have been through. I knew that God was giving us hope and a fresh start and that even though the road may still be hard, God was with us, and it was going to be different than it had ever been before.”

    As soon as the Browns returned home, they started applying to their lives the principles they learned in counseling and at the conference. They began praying together every day, planning date nights, and communicating openly and honestly. They sometimes sent Madeline to spend time with her grandparents so they could stay home and enjoy each other’s company.

    Together they learned how to build a relationship focused on God. “God had never been in our marriage before,” Laura says. “He may have been prayed to at mealtimes, but that was about it.” “He was like a piece of luggage on our roof rack,” says Adam. “And when we learned to trust Him, we gave Him the steering wheel and said, ‘Take us anywhere you want us to go.’”

    After many months of accelerated growth—and a new baby named Malorie—the Browns began to see opportunities to minister to couples in their church, using their personal testimony as encouragement. Then their lives changed again when they were involved in a head-on collision with a drunk driver. Laura and Madeline, bruised and bleeding, were hooked up to IVs, and Laura was put in a neck brace. “I started sobbing as I watched them, thinking that I could have lost my family,” Adam says. “From the house, the cars, the things I wanted so bad—they could be empty, and my family would still be the most important thing to me.”

    From that point on, it was Adam’s goal to concentrate on his family. “God used that wreck to strip the desire of material things from our minds and our hearts, which really opened us up to ministry even more,” Laura says.

    In December 2000, Adam and Laura lay in bed together and committed their lives to God’s service. They said, “God, we don’t know where you’re going to call us, or where you’re going to use us. If you want us to go to Africa, we’ll go to Africa, but show us where to go and we’ll be there.” Eventually they answered God’s call to serve at FamilyLife, and worked at the headquarters in Little Rock for several years.  Now they work with the Military Ministry of Cru (the U.S. name for Campus Crusade for Christ) in Fort Hood, Texas.

    “Looking back, we can see God’s fingerprints all over our lives, shaping and molding us for this time,” Laura says. She remembers that night, looking for Adam and singing to Madeline, never knowing what God would do to complete this work in Adam.

    “We’re still in the process of being completed by Him, but we have seen His faithfulness in the miracles He’s already done in our lives. And now we’re here at FamilyLife. God’s got a plan in all of it, and we just want to be open to be used by him.”

    • Source: Familylife
  • ‘I love my husband beating me, I enjoy seeing him angry’

    ‘I love my husband beating me, I enjoy seeing him angry’

    ‘’Some of you might think I am mental, but I am very normal. Bom I love my husband beating me, I enjoy seeing him angry. Don’t call me crazy it is just my person .

    “He used to beat the living daylight out of me and sometimes I bleed but I still survive it . We have lived like that for 2 years and he has killed 3 of my unborn kids out

    “of that but I don’t mind, God will give us more. But now he has repented and found Christ according to him and he has become too calm. He does not shout or raise

    “his hand on me again and the marriage is now full. So I met this tanker driver that use to beat me and give me money, I love the guy so much because he is too strong. Bom I am pregnant and I don’t know if should keep it because my husband has not touched me since he found Jesus.’’

    What is your advice for this young lady?

     

    BOM

  • Living with a stranger (1)

    Adam Brown felt he was at the end of his rope. The money was gone; bill collectors were calling, and he was responsible to take care of his wife, Laura, and newborn daughter Madeline. One more night of fighting with Laura only made matters worse, and it was too much for Adam to handle.

    “Please don’t go,” Laura cried, standing at the door with their baby in her arms. “We can talk. We can make this work!”

    “I don’t love you!” Adam replied. “I don’t want to be a part of this marriage! I don’t want to be a part of Madeline’s life! Just move out of the way and let me leave!”

    But Laura would not move from the door. So Adam grabbed her by the shoulders and threw her into the kitchen far enough that he could leave.

    Soon thoughts of fear began swirling in Laura’s mind: What’s wrong with me? What would I do with a new baby if he leaves me? Who am I without him? Bewildered with fear and consumed with pain, Laura put Madeline in the car and drove around looking for Adam and drawing on her faith as she sang to her daughter, “He who began a good work in Daddy, He will be faithful to complete it.”

    Read also: Six ways to make long distance relationships work

    Little did Laura know just how much that song would come to mean in the next few years. For the story of Adam and Laura Brown is a story of redemption and healing and restoration. It’s an example of what God can do when two people give their marriage to Him.

    Two strangers

    Adam grew up in a religious home, but he had no desire to follow his family’s faith. His high school days were filled with parties, drunkenness, and rebellion. Laura grew up in a strong Christian home, but she wanted to branch out on her own and experiment with life.

    After three years of dating during high school, Adam was ready to marry Laura. She said she wanted a Christian husband, so he says he “got saved” to appease her. “My thought was, ‘Give me my checklist. What do I have to do?’” Adam says.

    Married life seemed good at the beginning; they both had well-paying jobs and were satisfied with their lifestyle. “Our goal in life was to get everything—the nicest cars, the best furniture, the best of everything,” Laura says. Soon they learned Laura was pregnant, so they started saving to buy a house and settle into their new life as parents …

    … until Adam lost his job.

    At first he was confident that he would quickly find a new job; he was young, and he had a lot of experience in his field. But after weeks of interviewing, nothing happened. “It started wearing on me,” Adam says. “I wondered what was wrong with me.”

    In time, all the things Adam and Laura had enjoyed during their first year of marriage were gone. The bill collectors started calling, but there was no money to give. Adam was out of a job for a total of seven months, and during that time Laura was put on bed rest because of her pregnancy. For 21 weeks Adam and Laura were both unemployed.

    “The first year of our marriage we did nothing but receive. That was what was important to us,” says Laura. “And the second year we had it all taken away from us.”

    Their marriage relationship became strained. “We were two complete strangers on two separate couches in the same house,” Adam says. They became depressed, and Adam began blaming his condition on God. The only source of hope they had was the birth of their daughter Madeline.

    Adam got a small job, but their financial pressures remained. Adam saw how much attention their new daughter was getting and thought, Why should Laura give me attention? I’m barely putting food on the table…What purpose am I serving?

    The pressure was more than Adam could handle. He and Laura broke into an emotional argument, and that was the night that tipped the scales of their broken marriage. Adam threw Laura out of the way, took their truck, and ran off as Laura held their 4-week-old newborn in her arms, crying out to him.

    “I remember hearing those words,” Laura says. “’I don’t love you; I don’t want you; I don’t want this baby.’ My spirit was crushed, and I was afraid.”

    Adam returned after a week, but four months later he brought Madeline to Laura’s workplace and announced again that he was leaving. Reconciliation followed, but the same cycle occurred three more times within the next year. Finally, Laura agreed to take Adam back only if they would go to their pastor for counselling.

    Nine months of counseling helped give Adam hope for their marriage, but he still had no relationship with Christ. For Laura, it was an awakening. “I realized I did not trust this man and I did not love him. I cried myself to sleep at night, but I continually reminded myself that I had made a vow before God, and there was no way I could break that vow,” Laura says. “There was no joy in our marriage—I felt stuck.”

  • Man accuses Pastor of breaking his marriage

    Mr Tertsea Daagu, a member of the NKST Church, has accused a Pastor of the Church, Terlanga Unongu, of “causing confusion” in his relationship with his wife, Wandoo Daagu.

    Daagu stated this during his defense in a divorce case brought against him by his wife, before a Makurdi Upper Area Court.

    “I have never beaten my wife or accused her of adultery; it is my wife that admitted before our NKST Church Committee that she has committed adultery with one Rev Terlanga Unongu, a Pastor of the Church.

    “I have not accused my wife of having an affair, but she has confessed to having an affair with Rev Terlanga Unongu.

    “In 2007, she confessed to having an intimate affair with the Pastor when the Church committee took up the matter. I have the evidence with me written in Tiv language.

    “Though the committee could not give an appropriate resolution, we appealed to the General Synod where a resolution was passed.”

    He denied ever beating the woman, and claimed that she left his house with the approval of her father.

    Daagu said that he was not opposed to divorce, adding that he was also not opposed to his wife having full access to their three kids.

    The News Agency of Nigeria (NAN), reports that Mrs. Wandoo Daagu had petitioned the court to dissolve the marriage, citing alleged brutality and “unnecessary” accusations of infidelity.

    Read Also:‘Choose right, make relationship work’

    Wandoo, who said that she married her husband according to the Tiv Native Laws and Customs at Amua, Gaav in Konshisha Local Government Area in 2000, told the court that there was no longer love between them.

    “We have three children; after nursing our last daughter, my husband started accusing me of being unfaithful.

    “He kept attacking me and would be beat me up at the slightest provocation. I reported this cruelty to his parents, but instead of intervening, they took sides with him,” she said.

    Wandoo said that she left Daagu’s house in 2008, when the cruelty became unbearable.

    “Since I left his house, my husband has never visited me or my parents to discuss our issue. He has no respect for my parents,” she said.

    She urged the court to dissolve the marriage and grant her full access to their three children.

    The Judge, Ms Adole Akintomide, has adjourned the case to Dec. 14, for judgment.

  • Four red flags to watch out for in a relationship

    When a relationship is doing more harm to you than good, it’s time to quit it. Here are four signs to help you determine when a relationship is doing more harm to you than good.

    Abuse

    Be it physical or emotional abuse, any type of abuse is a glaring sign that you should quit the relationship. Please don’t be lenient with abuse or make excuses for it; simply let go and move on because abuse is one of the clearest ways to communicate a lack of care, love and respect for someone. Abuse does not go hand in hand with love, if anything they are polar opposites.

    Although, one thing to note here is that emotional abuse is more relative than physical abuse. For instance, there is arguably a degree of emotional abuse in every relationship. When you try to control your partner or influence them emotionally to act or behave in a certain way, by ignoring them (ignoring their calls, messages etc), refusing to talk to them (the silent treatment), being provocative with the other sex (trying to make them jealous) and so on, to a degree that’s emotional abuse. These are all elements of emotional abuse that are born from the very fair fact that we are human. But when emotional abuse becomes dangerous, is when you begin to lose your confidence and live in fear of what your partner is going to do to you next emotionally.

    Read Also: Six surefire ways to deal with a jealous partner

    Lies

    If anyone you are in a relationship with, be it a romantic relationship or a friendship, constantly lies to you or finds it difficult to tell you the truth, it communicates a lack of trust and a lack of respect for you. If you can’t trust the person(s) you are in a relationship with, things remain unsettled. Such lack of trust can lead to paranoia (an intense feeling of anxiety, fear and unrest) for you, which is very unhealthy. Without trust, there is no point remaining in the relationship and continuing to torture yourself emotionally.

    They never admit their faults

    This is one thing most people ignore as a red flag in a relationship, probably because they don’t understand just how important it is.

    When someone finds it difficult to admit they are wrong, the next thing they do is pass the blame. Now when you are constantly at the receiving end of the blame, even if you are fine with constantly saying you are sorry, you allow what is called a “cognitive dissonance” to be formed in your mind. This means that as you continuously act in a way that contradicts your beliefs, eventually your beliefs will change to align with your actions. In other words, after a while you will begin to believe you are the one who is always wrong and start to doubt your ability to perceive what’s right and wrong. Eventually, it ends up affecting your ability to make decisions and be assertive as individual, and you end up constantly feeling confused, having lost confidence in yourself and abilities. It’s truly a terrible place to be, so please don’t let any relationship take you there.

    Constant feeling of being overwhelmed

    When you constantly feel overwhelmed by your relationship, almost like you can’t get a break; when you look back and can’t remember any significantly joyful memory in your relationship, you should acknowledge that it is abnormal.

    As much as a relationship can at times bring you sadness, it should also bring you joy. If all you can remember when you think back on you relationship, is a long thick dark tiring stretch of fights, pain and sadness, with little or no joy, that’s not appropriate. Relationships may not generally be very easy but they should not suck the life out of you, leaving you miserable and unhappy.