The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Why he won’t change

    Why he won’t change

    Many wives live with great frustration because they keep telling their husbands that something he is doing (or not doing) is causing them great pain, but the husband never changes.  The hurt and confused woman thinks, “If I knew I was doing something that was really hurting him, I’d stop it as soon as I found out. Why won’t he?”

    1. Functional Fixedness

    The answer, according to Dr. Melody Rhode (a gifted marriage and family therapist), is “functional fixedness.” This phrase describes a man who will never be motivated by his wife’s pain; he’s only motivated by his pain. For change to occur, he has to feel his own discomfort. He doesn’t like hearing you tell him you’re not happy; in fact, it probably irritates him. But if the pain necessary for him to change is greater than the pain of putting up with your occasional expressed frustration, he simply endures the verbal outbursts as “the cost of being married” and will put the entire episode out of his mind as soon as it’s over.

    Why?

    Because it’s painful for him to remember the conversation and he wants to avoid pain at all costs! According to Dr. Rhode, men don’t normally change if what they’ve been doing appears to work for them. For example, when a woman allows her husband to treat her with disrespect, he has no motivation to change, and so it’s unlikely he ever will.

    1. Seek help

    Rhodes continues, “There’s a simple question I ask wounded women who seek help to endure belittling or degrading treatment from their man: ‘Why does your husband treat you badly? Answer:  because he can.” This is not, in any way, to blame a woman for the abuse, but to develop a new understanding in order to map out a different future.

    Rhode asks, “If what he’s doing is working for him, why change? He needs a compelling reason to change and it needs to be more compelling than your unhappiness or private misery with the situation.”

    1. Change the status quo

    If you happen to be married to a man who doesn’t care if his actions hurt you, so long as he gets what he wants. In such cases, allowing the behavior while complaining about it won’t change anything so long as the husband keeps getting his way. Remember, with such men it’s not your pain that motivates him, it’s his pain. A God-fearing man would be motivated to change simply by understanding that his actions or inactions hurt you. For the narcissist, you have to be willing to create an environment in which the status quo becomes more painful than positive change.

    In essence Melody is saying to wives, you might be thinking “How can I get my husband to be more sensitive?” while your husband is thinking, “How can I end this conversation that is causing me pain?” He doesn’t want your pain to stop; he wants his pain to stop. This is because his heart hasn’t been renewed. He is a stranger to agape love. Putting someone else’s needs above his own doesn’t even occur to him because he does not have a sacrificial heart or mindset. Your call for him to sacrifice simply because something he is doing hurts you is like asking a soldier to fire a weapon he doesn’t possess.

    If your husband is mired in functional fixedness, any appeal to empathy is futile. He is spiritually incapable of empathy. Again, he will be motivated by his pain, not yours.

    1. Seek validation/ worth elsewhere

    What can a woman do? Melody (who has specialized in working with women who are married to narcissists) suggests the following: “Women need to quit being bent to their husbands for their worth and validation. She continues, “They need to be helped to know God as their husband, provider and protector, and not to be expecting this from their husbands”.

    Simply put, sisters if you happen to find yourself married to a man who is unmoved by your pain, don’t look to him for your validation and worth. He is not your God.

     

     

  • Ways to tackle change in behaviour

    DEAR Harriet, I am 26 years old. My fiancé and I have been together for some years now. Our marriage is around the corner. Recently, he keeps telling me that I should allow him to rest. I don’t understand his reasons for such statement.

    His intimacy with me has also taken a new dimension. Personally, I really don’t know how long this will last. I love him and he has become a part of me and a member of my family because everybody in my family knows and like him a lot.

    Please, I need your counsel.

    Thanks.

    Name withheld, Akwa Ibom State.

     

    Thanks for sharing your problem with us. To be in a relationship with someone, especially if the person is on the same page as you, it is actually a thing of joy.

    Therefore, for any relationship to be successful, be it with family, friends, neighbours, colleagues and so on, information is vital and this is a fact when it comes to understanding the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

    Attitude, as we know, is the predisposition or tendency to respond positively or negatively towards certain ideas, objects, persons or situations. It is a powerful tool for positive action, but when used negatively, it reflects in bad actions and behavior, so confrontation by the means of communication is the first step we must bear in mind in dealing with a situation like yours.

    Interaction is the heart of every relationship, and for it to be effective, it is very important to note three factors: what to say, how to say it and when to talk. This is why we have a case of someone claiming that his or her action is misinterpreted.

    So in order to avoid such scenario, it will be a nice idea to actually discuss with him to find out what the problem is, if there is any reason for him to pass such a statement.

    It could be something different from what you think, so the only way you can find out the motive for his change of attitude is by engaging your partner or spouse in a relaxed conversation at the right time.

    Avoid assumption if you want to have a successful relationship.  What it does is to give you false impression instead. Note, you are no mind reader, so ask questions for proper clarification before jumping into conclusion about the situation.

    Moreover, his statement, “let me rest” can connote a lot. Have you considered the fact that he might be going through personal issues? It may not necessary be from you as a person. It could be his job, family, or the whole marriage preparation since it’s just around the corner.

    Listen, it might be anything, but the good news is that he is the only one in a better position to let you in on what he is experiencing that makes him feel that he really does not want additional stress at the moment, so learn not to take it to heart rather find a way to let him tell you what is happening to him.

    In addition, avoid nagging, but prepare to be considerate by listening attentively to him, bearing in mind that you are in it together. Furthermore, once you have succeeded in clearing the air about his action, then let him understand how his action is affecting you.

    To sustain a healthy relationship is ability to always tackle your issues as they come amicably no matter the circumstances. Some people want to get married, but as the time starts approaching, some might start experiencing cool feet for different reasons.

    Marriage is a lifetime commitment and a beautiful thing that must not be rushed into. That is why it is important that you must be truthful to yourself by evaluating your relationship critically before taking the bold step. Intimacy in a relationship is another important aspect that must be discussed. However, it mostly advised to keep it on hold, while dating in order to have a good sense of judgment. After all, you are going to get married soon.

    Self-discipline is another important factor that helps a marriage to be successful, and it is best practised while dating, so that when eventually you get married, no matter the circumstance, you can handle it. There is more to marriage than you can imagine, so learn to look deeper.

    Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • Coping with academic challenges

    DEAR Harriet, I am a mother of three great children, but my worry is the academic performance of my second child. His poor performance in school is really affecting me. I have tried all that I could, but all were to no avail.

    Our relationship is not what it used to be because of this. Please, I need your counsel on what to do. Help me!

    Mrs. E. U.,

    Port Harcourt.

     

    Your state of mind about the happening is expected. Most parents will be worried in such a situation, and if not handled properly, it might affect other aspects of the family.

    We must commend you for sharing your situation because in some cases, parents find it hard to open up for help in matters like yours.  Your situation deserves a lot of real steps to be taken both from you as a parent in collaboration with the school in order to help your child.

    Note this, every child is intelligent, if given the right method of teaching, depending on their levels of understanding, so teach your child first to view failure as success delayed.

    Failing an examination or repeating a class can be traumatic. No doubt about that, but you play a pivotal role in helping your child through this crisis. At this point, it will be necessary for us to look at some of the possible reasons why your child may have failed.

    Insufficient written practice: This could be a situation where he or she answers everything the night before the test or examination, but on the day can’t really explain what happened at the examination hall. A child might do well in oral test, but might need a lot of practice in written ones.

    Next might be faulty teaching methods: Children are different and unique in every aspect, so when it comes to academics, their levels of assimilation and understanding are totally different. On the other hand, many children fail to develop in over populated classrooms where there is less active involvement of teachers.

    Then, it might be learning disabilities or challenges: Some children have problems focusing, grasping, memorizing and writing because their minds are wired in a different way. Get a psycho-educational analysis done by a trained specialist to find out the problem and identify weaknesses and strengths.

    Expectations: Many children bear the burden of mounting parental expectations and just crumble during testing times.

    Distraction is another reason. Studying is harder when there are many distractions around. Television, computer, games and the internet can also be addictive.

    In addition, psychological problems are not left out in mentioning some of the likely reasons for a child’s academic performance.  Traumatic events like divorce or domestic violence at home can hamper a child’s studies. Perhaps, he is being bullied. Try to find out.

    The final possible reason can be health problem. A child needs to be completely fit to use his mental faculties in the best possible way. Migraines, anaemia, vision problems can prevent him or her from doing well in class.

    Bearing all these in mind as some of the reasons why the child might be failing his or her exams, then here are some helpful steps that might be of great benefit to assist the child.

    The major step involves a parent paying full attention to the child by getting really involved. If possible, be your child’s teacher at home. Create time to study with the child after school in a relaxed atmosphere. Make study interesting and guide your child. Take your findings to his/ her teacher and discuss how both parties can work together for the interest of the child.

    Learn to control your temper while teaching such a child. Yelling at the child might plunge him/her in depression and you don’t want that. A reprimand might bring back focus in a negligent child, but will harm a child with learning challenges.

    Get a psycho-educational analysis done by a trained specialist to find out the problem and identify weaknesses and strengths. Remember that your relationship with your child at this time will either make or break the child, so it will be a good idea if you stay closer to your child.

    Cheer up your child on any little progress or attempt made. Make the child feel that his or her situation does not make him or her less lovable to you. Moreover, make him talk. Ask him if anything is troubling him. Don’t forget as young as they are, children have problems of their own. Discuss with your child and listen to him while he talks.

    However, view your child’s failure as a realization that your child needs you. It can help you find something you had overlooked and correct it before it grows worse. Give a pep talk in the process. Encourage him/her to view this as a wake-up call.

    Work closely with school, meet his/her teachers to discuss the way forward for your child and become actively involved in your child’s schooling. It might be very challenging, if you have not been doing it, but the final result is worth it.

    Also help to control the distractions. For example, you can reduce the time for television to weekends only. Games can be kept to be given when you feel your child deserves it. Try and find out what works for you.

    Encourage extra- curricular activities. A new successful activity can actually bring back motivation and focus in your child’s life. If your child decides to participate in school play, it will mean more than just your signed approval slip. You might have to hop out from your car to pick him up after rehearsals.

    Your effort will pay dividend because if you support him and he does well, the “can do” attitude is likely going to spill off into his academics. Make your home a happy and supportive one because it helps children a lot.

    Finally, acknowledge your child’s progress as you go along. Congratulating the child will help your child develop positive attitude. Failure can be a learning opportunity for both parent and child. Reinforce this idea and help your child overcome obstacles.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • Dealing with commitment in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, Thanks for your counsel on life issues. It’s of great benefit to me. I am beginning to see things differently. That is why I need you to throw light on how to deal with a boyfriend who is afraid of commitment. I am a matured single lady in a relationship.

    Thanks.

    Name withheld, Abuja.

     

    Commitment is one of the most important goals of a sustainable relationship. Thanks for sharing your situation. It will interest you to know the number of people who are experiencing same challenge as you.

    Commitment can be explained as a dedication or rather an obligation that binds a person to a particular person or course of action. It may be made willingly or unwillingly.

    Now, let’s have an overview of the problem at hand before offering solutions. One thing that we must understand is that there are different categories of people in dealing with the issue of commitment in a relationship. Some people may ask for a commitment at the early stage, while others may ask for some type of commitment after a lengthy relationship.

    Individuals with the commitment issue may experience mental distress and emotional difficulty when faced with situations that require their full dedication to achieving a particular goal.

    The term commitment cuts across every aspect of life. In the workplace, for instance, a fear of commitment may lead a person to avoid or reject projects or assignments. This attitude could have a negative impact on the person’s performance or overall effectiveness.

    Also in a relationship, commitment issues may prompt one or both partners to reject the opportunity to pursue a more stable, intimate arrangement such as getting married. However, the factors behind your partner’s inability to commit may stem from variety of issues. While you may consider his fear of commitment of no importance, you need to be open and realize that his perception of the situation is what governs his behaviour.

    Here are some reasons why your partner might find it challenging to be committed. May be your partner may not be genuinely in love with you or may have feelings for someone else. His relationship with you might be on a friendly ground.

    Fear of a loss of identity where he may have to cater to all your needs in fear of making you unhappy and in the process lose himself can be a reason as well. Others causes for lack of commitment in relationships are as follows.

    Fear of being controlled

    Immaturity and the need to remain young

    Fear of a reduced social life with friends or buddies

    Fear of financial responsibility

    Fear of becoming more demanding

    Fear of being “trapped” and losing  sense of freedom

    Fear of the unknown  here, your boyfriend or girlfriend may feel that he/ she is making a life time commitment without having any idea of what is down the road.

    Inferiority complex: A person with low self-esteem will see the other person better as a result commitment becomes difficult. The way forward is this, once you understand that his fear of commitment is really an undefined fear or set of fears within himself, your next move is to attempt to repair this problem by doing the following: bring his possible fears listed above to the surface one by one.

    If you ask him directly why he is afraid to commit, he may be unable to identify the real issues. This is probably because he will only be feeling emotions that are associated with fear and not possess conscious awareness of the label for such emotions.

    Have a meaningful open discussion with him. You may be surprised what this type of conversation may bring and your relationship may become stronger or otherwise. See this as an opportunity to really communicate deep-rooted fears and feelings with each other.

    In addition, it is possible that even with this type of extensive interaction, your boyfriend may continue his pattern. If you see a consistent pattern of avoidance, procrastination and so on after this discussion, then the pattern has a good chance of being around a long time, may be indefinitely.

    If he constantly reassures you, he will make some decision but he never seems to follow through. Then, you need to be honest with yourself about the quality of this relationship as a long-term commitment.

    As painful as this may be, always chasing the elusive carrot as the saying goes is demoralizing and will devalue your self-worth. You might also want to set some time limit within yourself, but try to avoid ultimatums.

    Note that decisions about commitment made by ultimatums rarely work out in a healthy way. So, in the process of dealing with the issue, make sure it is approached the proper way. However, when your own tolerance level is reached, let him know that you can no longer be involved in this relationship and might have to choose to go in another direction. If action is not taken, clarify that it is not an ultimatum, but for the good of the relationship.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • How to cope with insecurity in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I am a 34-year-old working-class lady in a serious relationship with a man I love dearly, but my challenge is that he feels insecure, and I don’t know how to deal with the situation.

    Please, help me.

    Thanks.

    Name withheld,

    Lagos

     

    Thanks for sharing your problem with us. It is important to note that  insecurity in a relationship, whether married or dating, can lead to all sorts of secondary problems, including extreme possessiveness, unwillingness to entertain social options, high expectations for you and low expectations for him, constant self-doubt, small safety zone in which he feels comfortable and social isolation.

    When insecurity is a concern, it needs to be addressed as soon as possible. Before we offer solutions on how to tackle insecurity, it will be nice for us to state some of the likely causes. Remember there is always a reason for an action.

    One of the major factors that can lead to insecurity lies in childhood trauma or life event, especially in a situation where a person experiences lack of parental or family love, growing up or witnessing a bad relationship between parents. This can affect a child’s tender mind.  As a result, he or she might lack trust in future relationships as well.

    Another factor that can lead to insecurity is low feeling of self-worth, if for any reason in the relationship there is the feeling of inferiority complex or the attitude of not good enough for your spouse or partner. Next might be repeated failure in social situations. The negative experience of past relationship that was never treated or addressed can haunt the current relationship, so the person might be struggling with believing in his or her partner or spouse.

    Moreover, other factors that can make a partner or spouse feel insecure in a relationship are perceived or real feelings of inadequacy about physical state, lack of security and stability when growing up or fear of losing a loved one.

    However, here are some useful tips that might be of benefit to you in dealing with the issue of insecurity in a relationship. Try to understand that insecurities are only a symptom of the true problem.  Make effort to assist your partner or spouse, identify the source of the insecurity by providing possible labels, discuss with him or her, ask questions about his action and reason for the feelings that he or she is experiencing.

    Discussing the situation freely will help mend the communication bridge between both of you. This will help your partner or spouse feel that his or her emotions are understood. As a result, it might help to boost self-confidence as the case may be.

    Love conquers all. Your unconditional love will definitely bring your partner out of insecurity.  Learn to be open in your doings, carry him or her along when taking decisions and make his or her opinion count. Try to also give him more attention when he is not asking for it. In addition, use common sense and good judgment when compromising.

    Remember not to give into irrational demands that are only a means of reducing his anxiety caused by his or her insecurity.  In spite of all these, there are certain things you must avoid in the process of dealing with the feeling of insecurity in a relationship. One of them is rejection. This can make your partner or spouse who already has a security issue to feel more insecure.

    Don’t lecture in the process because lecturing him or her on being insecure defeats the entire purpose. He will only see the lecturing as demeaning and just another blow to his or her self-confidence. Also avoid yelling while talking with him; it will only increase his insecurities. If there is no progress after trying the above, don’t hesitate to seek the assistance of a trained counsellor.

    Finally, everyone in one situation or the other is faced with the issue of insecurities, but the real issue here is how we deal with them and how much they affect those around us. Be careful not to begin limiting your life to work around your partner’s or spouse insecurities. Most people in healthy relationship may modify their behaviour at times to meet the needs of other persons. This is regarded as compromise. However, when you begin to lose your identity by compromising too often, then your own feelings of self-worth may have to be explored.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • Healthy eating habits for children

    DEAR Harriet, Happy New Year! One of my New Year resolutions is to change my children’s eating habits.

    Please, help me.

    Mrs. Doris Shobo, Lagos.

     

    Feeding habits are learned behaviour. They’re not intuitive, so what your children learn to eat at home early in life sticks with them well into adulthood.

    It is not a good idea to count calorie or severely restrict food for children, like some parents do.

    The good news is that most overweight kids do not need to diet and they may not even need to lose weight at all. As overweight children grow taller,aim to keep their weight about the same. That means they grow into their ideal weight as they get taller.

    Your child might not be overweight or obese; it is important that they eat healthily and remain physically active. The tips here are relevant to all children, no matter their weight.

    Try new healthy meal: Ever find yourself making one meal for the adults in the house and another for the kids  or even one for each kid? Children take their time warming up to new things and if you keep giving them the old standbys, they’re not going to branch out and explore new foods.

    Be patient. Make the same dinner for everyone in the family, while making sure to put some foods on the plate that your children like. Then, add something new. If they don’t touch it, don’t worry about it, and definitely don’t make an argument out of it.

    Try again the next week and again the following week. Eventually, they’ll surprise you by at least tasting that new food.

    Be flexible. Note, anything in moderation is fine. Of course, if a child is given a treat once in a while, it is really not a bad idea. Yes, you have set diet for your child in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle, allowing the child in moderation occasionally of what they like helps to knock off the feeling of deprivation.

    While we always want to make the healthiest choices for our children’s bodies, a special treat once a week or even once a month won’t do any damage. On the contrary, it will help make eating a more enjoyable experience and will help your child build a good relationship with food.

    Sugar swaps: Swap sugary drinks for water, milk or unsweetened fruit juice. Sugary drinks are not as good as water. Yes, they can provide momentary satisfaction for our children when they are thirsty, but in the long run, the substances in them apart from the little water added are harmful to their health. As a result, children should be encouraged to drink plenty of water daily, so that when they grow up, it will be easier to maintain, and the benefits of water must not be overlooked. It helps to improve the function of the kidneys and prevent constipation in children.

    Meal time: Today, many of us are disconnected from food sources in a way that is unprecedented in human history. The numbers of people who cook meals from the scratch are reducing by number because of our busy lifestyles. It’s faster to grab something from a fast-food restaurant on the way home after school/work, instead of cooking a well homemade meal with the entire necessary nutrients that they need to grow healthy.

    Every day, all children should aim to eat five or more servings of variety of fruits and vegetables. It is wise to give more fruits and vegetables which are in season to our children since they are usually cheaper than others. Some people see them as very expensive. Don’t forget the costs of fruits and vegetables are incomparable to the positive health benefits derived from them.

    Vegetable- a lot of food items fall into this category, not only green vegetables. Some of these are green leafy vegetables, okra, cabbage, garden egg, cucumber, tomatoes, broccoli and avocado pear. All these contain minerals, vitamin, iron, calcium and pro-vitamin. They are essential for healthy growth and development in children.

    Children need meals that are based on starchy foods, as they are still growing, for example, potatoes, pasta, rice, bread, breakfast cereal or other cereal.

    Protein-rich foods – poultry, fish, eggs, beans, pulses and lentils should not be left out.

    Lower- fat dairy products like milk, yoghurt, cheese (once children are over five).

    Activity:  30/ 60 minutes activity a day. Children should be encouraged to add activity into their daily life. It could be playing football, running, walking, any sport that they enjoy doing, be it at home or in school. In schools, make sure they enroll for a sporting activity. It keeps them stay healthy and busy.

    Don’t use food as reward, bribes, or punishment: It’s alright to take a child out for ice cream occasionally, but not as an incentive for a good work. Likewise, don’t punish children for not eating certain foods- it will only foster a negative relationship between you and your children, not to mention your children and food. Resist the temptation to give your children sweets and chocolate for rewards and comfort.

    Make sure your child eats breakfast: It’s the most important meal of the day, and it should ideally be the largest meal of the day to get your child off on the right foot. After 10 to 12 hours with no food, it’s important to refuel the engines. If they don’t eat in the morning, they’ll be tired and unable to concentrate in school before lunch. It’s essential that children jumpstart their metabolism in the morning, so their bodies don’t enter starvation mode which might later cause them to experience difficulty maintaining a healthy body weight.

    Some children need to practise small and working to a bigger meal if you’re having trouble getting your child to eat breakfast. For most children, breakfast should be around 500 calories and should be nutritionally balanced.

    Starting kids off with sugar first thing in morning is not ideal. This gives a quick burst of energy and then leaves your child drained. Breakfast should always include a source of protein, some healthy fats, carbohydrates (whole grains are best) and vitamins and minerals.

    Love and accept your child no matter what: Love and accept your child at any weight, size, or shape. During childhood, growth is unpredictable at best. It comes in spurts and a once-skinny child can suddenly plump up, while his height catches up with his weight. There’s a lot of pressure in our society to be thin, and you might be tempted to put your child on a diet during a growth spurt, but that won’t be helpful and may even cause emotional and physical damage.

    Instead, help your child maintain his weight until his height catches up. The best way to do that is to teach good healthy eating habits and encourage your child to be active.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • Useful parenting skills (Part 1)

    DEAR Harriet, I am a young man planning to settle down with my long-time sweetheart in a couple of months.

    Please, I want you to advise us on the necessary parenting skills we need.

    Thanks.

    Mr. Henry U, Lagos.

     

    There is actually nothing that can prepare you for being a parent, knowing that it is an aspect of life that is most challenging. It gives a better attitude to parenting because it will test your nerves, emotion, strength and, at times, your sanity.

    Bearing these in mind will help you have a proper approach in dealing with different stages; starting with the sleepless night of nurturing , changing of nappies and potty training. Just when you think you have got one phase of childhood cracked, others grow a bit older and it is a whole new game altogether.

    The pattern changes as children progress from one stage to another. Some parents at this point get confused, not knowing how to relate with their children. Some shy away from their responsibilities, and this makes it difficult for them to understand their children, while some parents are in closer relationship with their children.

    As a result, they find it much easier to impact the necessary family values that they need to grow up as responsible adults which will be of great benefit to the family and society at large.

    Some people believe that parenting skills should come naturally, but sometimes we all need a bit of help and support. That is why parenting skills are something we learn, not something we are born with.

    These are the benefits you enjoy once you develop your parenting skills. They are as follows:  a clear understanding on how to handle different situations at different stages in raising children.

    They help to develop a closer relationship with your children, provide ways to handle certain issues like behavioural problems, discipline, education, rewards and even stress management. These in return will create healthier, happier households where children thrive.

    They help us as parents to evaluate ourselves, and then start correcting our little flaws or rather bad habits as well as introducing new more helpful ones for us and members of our household. We learn every day in life to improve ourselves.

    Learning about those first crucial years of the life of your children, how to use positive discipline to correct them, avoiding power struggles, and how to determine a need from want.

    Parenting skills:

    When it comes to parenting, there are certain elements that make a parent skilled. These skills won’t always be appreciated by your children, most likely not until your children are parent themselves.

    Being a parent is really not about winning a popularity contest. It can be a difficult line to walk, knowing that it is not a part-time activity, but a full-time and dedicated practice. As mentioned, parenting is a learning experience. It is always better to learn from mistakes because there are no perfect parents.

    Likewise, every child differs in mental attitudes, dislikes and likes. Applying the same method on every child can be destructive, bearing in mind that every child is different and unique in their own ways. Using your own experiences will only help to certain extent.

    Psychologist, Bowlby, proposed a theory whereby he constructed an “internal working model”. This model suggests that our future relationships are a reflection of our relationships with our primary caregivers (parents). Bowlby suggests that we will emulate the caregiving strategies of our parents. For example, if our parents spank us, there is the tendency of us repeating same action with our children because it worked for them in their own childrearing.

    Therefore, it will be wise to look back and analyze how you were brought up and amend some mistakes made by your parents as you embrace new useful parenting skills.

    Communication: Have a good relationship with your children by interacting with them regularly. Be approachable. Every family has what is deemed right or wrong, depending on its background. With this reason, a family should plan and communicate their expectations such as social, academic, religious, family values, personal appearance and hygiene.

    Some expectations are more demanding than others. As a result, parents should take into consideration the children’s ages, ability, developmental status and resource that are available to the family.

    These expectations should be communicated to them clearly in words and indeed. Having a family meeting is also a way of clarification and expression of the expectations between parents and children.

    Communication is incomplete, if the act of listening is not taken into consideration. Listen to what your children have to say. Parents are so busy, telling children what to do most times without listening to their concern. Ask them what are their hopes, fears and anxieties. The better you understand the needs of your children the better parent you are.

    Stick to your rules; let your yes be yes, and your no be no. Whether it is when you discipline your child or not, rules need to be enforced after they are made. Good parenting skills require you to stick to any rules you establish. If you show them that you can make and break rules, they will think rules are made to be broken.

    To be continued

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • How to avoid mistakes in relationship (2)

    HERE are more useful tips that will be of great assistance to those who have been out of relationships for a while and people who are of age that at the verge of going into a relationship for the first time.

    In the previous edition, we mentioned the following: making your first date short and casual, letting go of the past, personal space, getting a life and avoiding unnecessary jealousy.

    This review is necessary for readers who are joining us for the first time. Total dependence can put a strain on your relationship; always depending on your friend or partner can affect your relationship. When you keep asking from a person all the time, let’s face it we are human, it will get to a point where the person cannot take it any longer.

    The effect is that less attention or avoidance will then set in because of the constant demands.   Relationships thrive when there is a level of independence, a situation where you don’t solely rely on your partner or friend for everything. It will interest you to know that most of the mails I receive from those seeking relationships or life partners have financial independence as the common requirement in demand.

    This goes to show that majority do not want liability. Besides it pays a lot to be empowered no matter the situation. Next is to try as much as possible to know your place; it is very important to know and maintain your position in a relationship. Some people misinterpret certain actions to suit their personal intension without seeking proper clarification. Avoid playing the role of a wife or husband until you are declared one.

    In addition, unrealistic expectation cannot be left out when mentioning mistakes in relationships; expectations are good, but must be discussed together. After all, everybody goes into a relationship for instance with some level of expectation, depending on individual needs, but the challenge is when such expectations are not actualized because of the fact that they are not practical. This can affect the relationship.

    Knowing the warning signs: The signs are always there when the relationship is no longer the same, but in most cases, people seem to ignore the signs by not addressing necessary issues.  Numerous indicators can warn that a relationship may be heading for the rocks or at least for some sandbars.

    Avoid taking things for granted and be observant. Many get carried away without taking note of certain details. It is always proper to use your head in matters of the heart.

    However, setting of boundaries must not be neglected in avoiding mistakes in relationships because boundaries define who you are, it reinforces the fact that you are different and unique from others. Boundaries explain what you think and feel, as well as what you are ready to tolerate.

    They also define your preferences, your likes and dislikes. Most importantly boundaries help you determine for what you are and are not responsible. A healthy dating relationship requires good, solid and well-defined relational boundaries.

    Lack of patience for the relationship to take its natural course: Taking it slowly allows you to get to know each other better with time. Most relationships can be classified into four stages. The initial stage is the period when you are simply testing the waters to see if you like the person or not.

    Then, next is regarded as the infatuation stage. This is the time you are madly in love with the person and absolutely blind to his or her faults. This can drag on for a long time, everything is happening so fast.

    Thirdly is the stage of reality bite which occurs when you suddenly discover that your perfect friend or partner is not that perfect after all. Finally is the stage where you are caught between staying and maintaining the relationship in order to advance to the next level or let go of the relationship and move on.

    Therefore, with a clear understanding of the various stages gives the ability to take things easy by allowing the relationship grow at its own pace without rush.  Trying to change your friend or partner to suit your specification is always a big mistake.

    Our personalities are different. So, in a situation where you go into a relationship with the mindset to change the other person is not a good idea because you can only change yourself, not your friend or partner, but knowing and accepting the fact that everybody has their strength and weakness is a better approach instead. Don’t try to change them. What you can do is to learn how to accept them for who they are.

    Being too desperate to get into a relationship is a major and universal mistake, especially for those who feel that time is running out. Biological clock is ticking fast. As a result, they panic and are ready to settle for any one so long they are in a relationship. Wanting a relationship is just not the same as waiting to be in a relationship with a special person.

    Finally, putting the above points into consideration will help your avoid certain mistakes for your relationship to run smoothly and for your protection from the pain of contemporary dating pitfalls. As a result, you will be on your way to building a loving and lasting relationship.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • How to avoid mistakes in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I want to go into a relationship after a long break. Please, counsel me on the mistakes to avoid in relationship. Thanks.

    Mr. David,  Akwa.

     

    Making up your mind to date again after a long break simply shows that you have actually overcome your past situation and that you are now prepared to open a new chapter.

    It is always good to be ready before going into a relationship because it helps you to avoid repeated occurrences of your previous experience. Relationships have their ups and downs just like every other aspect of life. Don’t forget that it has to do with humans and by nature we are not perfect even with our strength.

    Everybody has its challenges, but the ability to understand this fully puts us in a better position to learn to be tolerant and not neglecting the golden rule which is “do unto others what you want them to do to you”.

    Great relationships don’t happen overnight. Just like your daily chores, they need time, effort and dedication. Therefore, relationship is an investment like a bank account. What you put is what you get. Before I proceed, permit me to state that the counsel is not for children and teenagers.

    This clarification is important because I have young readers. For my young ones, there is time for everything. Concentrate on your goals and visions. Avoid every distraction because the sky is not just your limit, rather it is your starting point.

    Moving on, as you work towards building a successful relationship, it is very important to note that there are some common mistakes that should be avoided. Hopefully, this might be of great benefit for you who have been off relationship for a long time and for those who are of age and feel that it is time for them to start a relationship.

    Firstly, as you are on a first date with your friend, try to be yourself. Avoid putting up appearance to suit the person. Since it’s your first time of having a conversion with the person, don’t volunteer too much information upfront because when you share too much at the beginning, it’s as if you are verbally pouring out too much words on the person and most times it puts people off. Instead, make your first date short and causal.

    Most people make the most ridiculous mistake on their first outing. They get really intense, so as a result, they start asking deep questions and staying up late trying to know everything in one day. Allow things to progress gradually. Give yourself a curfew, if the date is in the evening. It shows a sense of responsibility and respect.

    Most times, people bring their pervious baggage to their present relationships, and this affects the way and manner they handle their relationships. Whatever you might have gone through is in the past now. Leave it in the past, learn from it and move on. Beside, this person is different with his or her unique qualities. Avoid comparing notes and assumptions, rather give the person the opportunity to prove him or herself. Keep an open mind.

    Next is personal space. No matter how excited and in love you are, it is very important for everyone to have their space.  Accepted that at the beginning of a relationship, all you want is to spend most of your time with the person, countless visits, constant text messages and endless phone calls and so on.  Enjoying each other’s company is not a bad idea, but with caution because as the relationship advances someone will start feeling choked by the whole scene and might need his or her space to be left alone to do things on their own. Most people, no matter what, just love their space sometimes. Understanding this factor will be of great help in sustaining relationships.

    Another point is that you must get a life. For some people, once they are involved in a relationship, they put their lives on hold. They have become so consumed with finding someone to meet their needs and give them a sense of significance. As a result, they have lost their identity. Things that matter to them become irrelevant as long as it is not in line with their partners’ or friends’ wish all in the name of being in a relationship.

    While you are going into a relationship or you are in a relationship, get grounded. It is the foundation for getting a life. It is all about having a solid identity and sense of self. Know who you are, appreciate the fact that you are complete and whole. What makes relationships thrive is when both parties have a life. When you have a life of your own, you are attractive to others.

    In addition, avoid unnecessary jealousy, the feeling of wanting to know the happenings in your partner’s life. Checking his or her phone or getting worked up over every move (insecurity) can put off someone.  Take the relationship one day at a time and allow it to grow naturally.  Don’t force it.

    To be continued

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.

  • Moving on after painful experience

    HELLO Ma, I was dating a young man who is six years older than me. He approached me for marriage at the beginning. Along the line, I became pregnant.

    He asked me to remove it, but I refused. He started quarrelling with me as a result of my refusal. The man did not take care of me during my pregnancy.

    Our child is one year old now and everything is still the same. My problem now is  how to move on. Though I know that I might not be able to love again, I find it difficult to forget him. I need your advice.

    Name withheld,

    Aba.

     

    Thanks for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to be open in such a situation. I must commend you. To be in a relationship is one thing, but to have a clear knowledge of the purpose for the relationship is an important aspect that must be defined from the start.

    A clear definition of the relationship is very necessary because it gives you a better understanding of what your partner wants and what you expect bearing in mind that different people go into relationships for different reasons.

    In your situation, there is really no point for self-blame or regret because at the time of your action, you did what you felt was the right thing. After all, he was to be your prospective husband, according to your story.

    So, if he was actually coming for marriage like he claimed, why then was he so keen on you terminating the pregnancy. His motive might be totally different from what he appeared to be, or that he was not ready to take the responsibility.

    No doubt, letting go can be tough due to the emotions that comes with it, for instance, mood swings, anger, bitterness, disappointments, fears, worries, low self-esteem, self-pity, blame, regrets and so on. If your situation is not addressed, it can affect your wellbeing.

    Listen! The way forward is to try and put the past behind you as painful as it is, so that you can be in a proper position to embrace what the future has in store for you.

    Thank God , you kept the pregnancy. Today, you have the most precious gift from God and for this fact, He will provide for you and your child. However, here is more useful counsel to help you move on: Your state of mind must not be neglected. With passing time, some wounds heal, while others get worse. This is true also of broken relationships.

    One has to take an active interest and positive steps to heal such pain. It may not always be easy to forgive and forget such a person who disappointed and abandoned you at a time you needed him most, but it is even harder to live with an unforgiving heart.

    To refuse to forgive is to refuse oneself peace and joy. Therefore, for healing to take place, there must be forgiveness after grieving the lost relationship. Next step is to be empowered; you need to start working in order to have the resources to take care of yourself and your child since he is not ready to take up the responsibility.

    Being a single parent is not easy, but with hard work and a focused mind, you will be able to pull through. In addition, learn to love yourself; only when you start appreciating yourself will you be free from insecurity and fear.

    Besides, you have a child who needs all your attention and care, so always tell yourself that you are special with outstanding qualities destined for great things. Don’t let the situation weigh you down or make you feel less important. It is only a phase that will be over soon.

    You must never feel that you need someone to complete you; love yourself and avoid going into a relationship at the moment. Take time to heal and concentrate on how to improve yourself because going into another relationship immediate might be for the wrong reason or a way of you trying to fill the void that your pervious relationship created. And if care is not taken, it might lead to another heartbreak.

    If, for some reasons, you observe that you cannot deal with the situation on your own, don’t hesitate to seek the help of a counsellor for proper guidance.  At time like this, you will need all the support you can get to be able to get over it.

    Surround yourself with family members and good friends who understand your situation.  Keep busy by engaging yourself at all times; avoid being idle, so that you don’t keep thinking about the situation.

    Find activities that make you happy; don’t allow one nasty experience keep you from living your life to the fullest. Instead, learn from it and move on. Life is full of challenges. The way and manner you deal with them either make you or break you.

    Finally, have no fear about loving again. At the right time, you will fine true love, a person who will love and cherish you, no matter what. So never give up. Only learn to keep an open mind and remember to make your intension clear from the beginning with set boundaries. Take care of yourself.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine.