The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Dealing with cheating and lies in relationships

    GOOD morning Harriet, Please, I need your advice. I am in a relationship with a guy. Before I accepted him as my boyfriend, I asked him if he was in any relationship and his answer was no.

    But as time went on, l discovered that he was going out with a certain girl who added me on Facebook and she left the explanation that she decided to include me as her friend when she saw my picture on her fiancé page.

    I was surprised at her statement. I immediately confronted my boyfriend. He admitted that they were dating, but the relationship was not working out. He then pleaded with me to give him time to break up with her.

    I feel angry, jealous and upset. I want to call it off because I really cannot allow my heart to be broken.

    Please, what should I do?

    Thanks

    Ewere, Delta State.

     

    We must commend your courage; it is really not easy to share your experience. I hope that people experiencing the same situation will draw strength from it. Thanks a lot.

    To be in a relationship at the right time with the right person is an amazing feeling that words most times cannot express. Therefore, when the reverse is the case, it can be frustrating, especially when it has to do with cheating and lies.

    Trust and honesty are the crucial foundation upon which all other qualities in a relationship are built. You took the right step by confronting the issue the minute you observed that he was in a relationship with another girl just as if you knew when you asked him the question at the beginning of the relationship.

    It is very good to be open with whoever you want to date; you stand to gain a lot.  Speaking out freely from the start of a relationship gives an easy understanding of the person’s likes and dislikes.

    To be lied to and cheated upon can be very devastating, so what you are feeling now is highly expected because he is your boyfriend that has treated you in such a manner, not a stranger. Of course, you feel betrayed and deceived. Your emotions will be playing up and anger will set in after a while, all these will happen naturally for healing to take place.

    At the moment, learn not to be too hard on yourself, but instead see him as a person that has issues and needs help because a man who finds it difficult to know exactly what he wants and how to go about it tells you that such a person might have challenges in decision making.

    He wants to have his cake and eat it. So the question is, can you put up with such a character and how are you sure that he is telling you the truth of the whole situation. Cheating and lies in a relationship are major signs of an unhealthy relationship and should not be taken for granted.

    If you feel that you cannot cope with your emotions, do not hesitate to seek the help of a counsellor. The way forward is to see your situation as an experience with a lesson, not a time for self-pity, blame or regret, but rather to be happy that it was revealed early enough for you to know the type of person you are in a relationship with.

    Think through your situation and ask yourself honest questions about what you want in a relationship. If you choose to stay with your boyfriend after knowing full well the dangers and problems inherent in his personality, it becomes your problem.

    In continuing such relationship, the following steps to take might be of help. Make sure that you have a conversation with him about the situation of things and its effect on your person and the relationship. Bring to his notice that he will have to work hard to gain back your trust.

    Let him know that you will always cross check whatever he says to you about the other girl in order to be sure. Make your boundaries clear and ask him to define your relationship.

    In case you decide to end it after a proper review, go ahead and follow your heart. Never start out looking for approach in which no one gets hurt. It doesn’t exist. Go into a discussion with him, knowing where you want to end up. Your boyfriend may try all sorts of promises about changing in behaviour.

    Don’t accept it if you are ready to close the chapter and move on with your life. Here are ways to help you move on: The first step is to try and channel your emotion to doing activity or improving yourself in order to think less of the situation. It helps to ease worries.

    Take your time and do not rush into a relationship immediately, so that you don’t go into it simply because you feel there is a gap that you need to fill.  Relationship takes two to make it work, so keep an open mind whenever you are in a relationship. Don’t expect too much, always define your relationship, that is, be specific about what you want and ask your partner what he or she wants from the relationship, so that from the onset, you both know what you are going into.

    Time, they say, heals wound. As the day goes by, you feel better and stronger.  Most people dwell on a situation like this it and shut down. Try to keep a free heart, so that you don’t shut love out because of your bitter encounter. Trust me, true love will definitely find you.

    Take care of yourself and note that any relationship based on lies and deceit is not worth holding on to.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng, text messages only 08054682598 or bineharriet@gmail.com.  You can follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj and instagram: harrietogbobine

  • How to manage relationships during recession

    DEAR Harriet, Your column is very practical and real to life. Thanks for the good work. I am married with children.

    The situation of things at the moment in my home is not well due to the economic situation in the country. This is affecting our relationships. Please, I need your counsel on what to do.

    Thanks.

    Name withheld, Uyo.

     

    Thanks for sharing your situation. There is no better time to give counsel on the effects of recession on families and ways for families to cope at this crucial period.  You are not alone. The situation of things in the country is not limited to a particular sect, or family. Every home, rich or poor, is affected.

    The high rate at which bread winners are losing their jobs is alarming. As a result, families are faced with a lot of challenges. The high level of pressure everywhere is affecting the general wellbeing of individuals.

    For instance, a man who lost his job is likely to be stressed out with worries, not knowing where and how he is going to cater for his family, even the one with a job is not certain about his tomorrow. Such a person at home may start exhibiting  attitude that is never shown and in most cases they vent their frustration or anger on their spouses and children, which ideally is not proper.

    If this situation is not managed very well, it might lead to  increase in alcohol intake, drugs, verbal or physical abuse, mood swing, depression, sleepless nights, fears, anxiety, high blood pressure, mental health and suicide attempts.

    Suicide attempt is one aspect that is getting ground in our society today because a lot of people are not turning to the right channel in dealing with challenges, actually visiting a counsellor or a therapist when faced with challenges to pour out your heart (an outlet) is yet an aspect that is not really embraced by a good number of people.

    The thought of committing suicide is considered an abomination, but today we hear and read of people taking their lives and the question is why? God, our creator, is the owner of life. Therefore, nobody has the right to take his or her life.

    One thing we must understand is that whenever God plants a challenge in one’s life, He gives us the right tools to use in order to overcome the challenge. Remember, as humans on earth, there will always be one problem or  another, but only with the right attitude and patience, victory is sure.

    However, in a time like this, understanding problems that can hinder or prevent people from achieving effective personal functioning is very important. When people visit counsellors most times, they are aware of a number of problems that are causing them difficulty. These are described as presenting problems, but due to the complexity of human nature, frequently there are more problems, deeper issues that make a person’s life a bit complicated.

    So situation like recession strain might actually trigger violence or abuse. Some people are very aggressive these days.

    In addition, the way men and women deal with crisis are different. Men regard job loss or no income as a major effect on their identity. This takes a great toll on their personality, while the attitude of women is totally different. They seek alternative immediately.

    The family relationships suffer a great blow once situations are not manged properly. Parents or guardians who are worried about their financial stability often don’t have the patience to reason with children or respond to misbehaviour appropriately.

    The feeling of frustration can lead to unnecessary nagging, absent-mindedness, harshness to loved ones, making a person unapproachable for discussion. Every responsible man wants to provide for his family no matter the circumstance. So the feeling of not been able to take up his responsibility effectively can stir up inconsistent behaviour.

    Recession is a phase that will not last forever, but the effect on family relationships afterward is of great concern that must not be neglected. More tips that might be of help to the family in a time like this are: Families must learn to cut down on their expenses and make necessary changes in certain aspects. Work with affordable budgets.

    Give adequate information to members of your family about the real situation of things. Call for a family meeting and explain to all the clear situation of things and changes that will be taking place so that there will be a clear understanding.

    Search for alternative sources to generate income no matter how little. Learn not to worry about what you cannot change. Instead, try to manage the situation. Avoid stress for a sound mind and body.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj.

  • Dealing with feeling of inferiority

    DEAR Madam Harriet, I am a 16-year-old student. I have this feeling that I don’t have talents like my mates, and this is affecting me a lot. Please, help me.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    I must commend you for sharing your situation with us. Thanks a lot. Most teenagers have similar experiences. Some feel not loved, some don’t see themselves attractive, some regard themselves as not intelligent or rather not good enough, so what you are feeling is highly expected and it is normal.

    The way forward is having a clear understanding for the reasons why you are feeling like that and the necessary steps to take so that it doesn’t affect you in future.

    Here are a few useful tips that might be of help in dealing with your situation. There are three major issues that teenagers feel that they must have in order to feel good about themselves and for their peers to accept them.

    First is physical attractiveness: A large number of teenagers, if sincere, would tell you that their greatest source of dissatisfaction is about their looks. Their major concern is to look in a certain way, so some will try everything just to get that good look, forgetting that what they are experiencing is natural and that it will fade with time.

    To some, they feel unattractive with the belief that the opposite sex doesn’t like them. These feelings are made worse when they are being teased by friends and family members.

    The second aspect that teenagers don’t like about themselves is the feeling of not being smart or intelligent enough. In a situation where a teenager is facing difficulty in a certain subject in school and all he or she gets from the teachers, parents and classmates are discouraging words , instead of encouragement.

    These can cause the teenager to lose interest in school or certain subjects. It might destroy his or her self-esteem. Therefore, most of the blame for these feelings can be put on teachers who are professionals and should know better on how sensitive issues like this can affect a teenager. Parents who lack to give their moral support are equally not left out as well.

    Third, teenagers use money and background to measure their worth. Most of them think that a rich family is more important and better, so to be accepted and popular, they have to dress in a certain way with expensive stuff. For example, they feel that they have to wear the right shoes or clothes, have parents who own  certain cars and so on.

    The pressure in the society today is not even making it any easy. Every youngster wants to make it big, forgetting there is no short cut to success, so the way forward in dealing with your situation is to recognize that a lot of teenagers are going through the same challenge that you are experiencing.

    You are really not alone. Observe and you will notice that others are shy, quiet, angry, stuck-up, proud, signs of feeling inferior. In addition, learn to face up to your problems; one major thing you must bear in mind is that none of us is perfect, every one lacks one thing or the other.

    Admit your weakness and appreciate your strength. Everyone is created special by God with a precious gift to be successful with the right attitude. As a matter of fact, embrace your look, try to change that behaviour you feel is not good that you are involved in and learn to accept things that you cannot change, for example, the shapes of your nose or ears.

    Moreover, pay more attention on the positive qualities you pose, engage in developing yourself. Self-improvement is very important for the growth of an individual, so instead of feeling bad or pity about yourself, read motivational books, take up sports , offer volunteering service in an establishment that interests you at your spare time. Not only will you be occupied, but also gain experience.

    Next, be mindful of the people you call your friends, keep good friends who like you for who you are and not what they want you to be. The best way to have a friend is to be a good friend to others. Remember you are unique in this world. God loves you as the unique person that you are. In all the earth, there is nobody like you, so you are special. Nobody has your smile, your voice, your character. Beside money is not all.

    Self-appreciation, contentment and the zeal to strive for great height bearing in mind that there is time for everything on earth is a better approach to dealing with life issues.

    Parents or guardians with teenagers on the other hand should learn to be close to their teens, be their best friends no matter what. Let them be free to approach you with their problems and guide them, so that they will go the right path because teenagers are faced with a lot of peer pressure.

    Encourage your teenagers when they are faced with any form of setback, avoid talking down on them. Reward them when they do something good. That way, you are helping them see that they have potential. It builds their self-esteem. Show them love, so that they don’t go seeking it elsewhere and listen to them because most times, parents or guardians talk without actually listening to their teenagers.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj.

  • Taking a second wife 2

    IN continuation of last week’s article regarding the question asked by a reader whose wife, for some reasons after the birth of their first child, advised her husband to take a second wife because may not be able to conceive again. Her husband is seeking advice on what to do.

    In this edition, we will try to throw more light into the woman’s problem (secondary infertility). This will give us a better understanding of the problem before taking any decision.

    Secondary infertility, as it is known, can happen to anyone. And the fact that you are going through it does not mean that you are alone. The experience can be emotionally painful and stressful for both husband and wife. And it can put strain a relationship if not managed properly.

    Therefore, the way forward is to avoid being irrational, but think through every option and educate yourself on them. You may feel that your situation is a bad one with no remedy. After all, the doctor’s report says there is no way your wife can give you more children. But, have you thought of turning to God for answers? What have you got to lose by doing that?, nothing really, but a lot to gain. Have you pulsed to ask yourself why He allowed this to happen? Listen, God does not give us things or challenges because he wants to teach us a lesson. Rather, things that happen to us are situations that we can handle when we look up to Him and trust Him to see us through, bearing in mind that God’s thought for us are of good, not evil.

    When a situation is beyond you, it is wise to turn to the maker who has the manual to all His creations. This may be a test for your family to have a testimony at the end. Some will say, why bring religion into it, but my question is who gives children? If your answer is God, what is wrong with taking your situation to Him? Moreover, if you are considering your wife’s suggestion of taking a second wife, it will be nice for you to know a few things that come with such decision.

    The coming of a second wife, no matter how you try, even if you have enough resources to take care of them, will affect your relationship with your wife, who you claimed you still love. Attention and affection, whether you like it or not, will shift to the new wife. It is only natural; despite the fact that your first wife has had you for the past 36 years.

    A second woman, of course will come with her own expectations, which you must try to meet. She deserves all the attention and care, especially since she is a new wife and because you are human. No matter how much you try, there are going to be instances where you will unconsciously be hurting your first wife without even knowing it.

    The love you profess may begin to fade because there is someone else who also needs your love and attention. Remember that you cannot to forget your daughter. Her interest must also be put into consideration, because any decision you make will affect her.

    Another option you may want to consider is adoption. The days when such issues are not discussed are long gone. These days, a lot of homes, with or without biological children, are helping humanity and putting smiles and joy into to the lives of children by taking them into their homes as their own children. Many homes have been blessed through this means. You must know that it does not necessary follow that you have to be the biological parents to a child for the child to be yours.

    Adoption connects people through love; and love is one of the strongest emotions known to man. Try and get information on the issue of adoption. You can read and ask questions, because it will be nice to be well-informed in case you decide to do so. Knowledge is power.

    In addition, couples are advised to undergo private counseling with a professional, in order to help them understand the transition and be able to deal with infertility related issues. All these will be effective when discussed as a couple. So, therefore it will be nice to talk with your wife, and together, both of you can reach a conclusion on what will be most suitable for your family.

    Marriage is a work in progress.

    Finally, when difficulties come our way, we must learn not to focus on the problem, but instead seek help on how to deal with it.

    Take care of each other

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on her blog; www.liwh.com.ng or bineharriet@gmail.com text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj  instagram harrietogbobine

  • Taking a second wife

    Dear Harriet, we have been married for 36 years now and blessed with a daughter. Medical report confirms that my wife is infertile. As a result of this, she asked me to marry a second wife. I love my wife, but the question is,  should I marry a second wife?  I need your counsel. Please help me.

    Name  witheld, Abuja.

    36 years of marriage is not a piece of cake.  Congratulations to you and your wife for keeping it together and thanks for sharing your story. In our world today, a great number of our young couples spend a lot to have glamorous weddings, but it will amaze you to know that, only a few understand or are willing to accept the fact that marriage is not a bed of roses. Marriage comes with a lot of responsibilities and challenges which only those who are working together as a team and trusting God towards the progress of their union can handle.

    However, some marriages are faced with myriads of challenges  that push  some couples to contemplate going their separate ways.  Some actually quit  the moment they are faced with  challenges, forgetting that marriage is not man’s invention but a divine institute ordained by God. It is a union of a man and a woman in total mutual self-giving and commitment for life.

    Your situation deserves proper analysis for a clearer understanding of the gravity of the case at hand before taking any decision. It’s unfortunate that I don’t have a detailed information about the whole issue because your wife’s aspect is not stated and the doctor’s finding or report about the cause of the infertility after a first child was not mentioned as well.  Anyway, a situation like this does occur, therefore, you are not alone in it.

    There are a number of factors that can contribute to secondary infertility; that is inability to conceive or carry a child to term after having a first child. Perhaps,  the most common problem is age.  The older a person is,  the more challenging it is to become pregnant. As a woman approaches 30 years of age in some cases for instance, her hormone level begins  to decline and her fertility will also start to gradually decline. This happens at  a higher rate after 35 years of age. Added to the age factor is the aspect of menopause which is a stage every  woman must experience when the time comes.

    Nature often takes its natural course. Some women start experiencing premenopausal very early before the actual issue, while some get to the stage later.  Menopause marks the end of a woman natural ability to bear children. The age varies from 40 years to mid 50s. Other causes are hormonal imbalances, structural abnormalities, and unexplained infertility.

    As difficult as it may be to accept, the reality is that a woman having such medical report together with her husband will experience the same emotional trauma like couples who are waiting for a first child.  Comments like they should be grateful that they are blessed with a daughter and many are out there praying for a child,  in a situation like this, doesn’t take away their longing for another child.

    For a woman to suggest that her husband should marry a second wife because of her situation speaks volume and must not be taken for granted. May be she couldn’t  take the internal/ external pressures that come with it any more.  It could also be that she has resigned  herself to fate or she could feel that, that  could make her husband happy. This happens mostly if the husband  is always talking about the issue and how he wishes they could have more children.

    The pain and frustration will simply overwhelm her sense of reasoning. She might be experiencing emotional isolation; the feeling of being in it  alone since she is the one with the problem.  The feeling of blame and guilt will set in and if not handled properly, can lead to anger, jealousy and resentment not to forget low self esteem that comes with the feeling of not being good enough.

    This can take a serious toll on the marriage. Your type of marriage is a importance here. For example, if it is a Christian marriage the thought of a second wife is not acceptable at all because on your wedding day you vowed to remain loyal and faithful to each other still death puts you apart. Taking a second wife under in this circumstance can be a huge challenge. It is only in few situations that you would have two women living amicable.  No woman who is very intimate with her husband in a good relationship will want to share him  with another woman no matter the situation. Although,  some might see it as not being fair but what if the situation was the other way round? In life, no matter how tough a situation is,  we should learn to always picture ourselves  in the other person’s position before we pass judgment.  To be continued

    Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on her blog; www.liwh.com.ng or bineharriet@gmail.com text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj instagram harrietogbobine

  • Role of friends in relationships

    Dear Harriet, my partner is highly influenced by his friend, who is living with him, in terms of taking decisions. For example, I told him that it would be nice for him to start saving for the future, which he agreed to initially, and he was grateful for the idea but a few days later, after talking to his friend about it, his attitude changed. Please, I need your advice on what to do. Help me.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    Thanks for sharing your situation with us. Relationships are one aspect of life that everybody cherishes, be it at work, home or elsewhere. We relate with different people for different purposes but, at the same time, we take to heart relationships that are personal to us. To be in a relationship where there is an influential third party, whether male or female, can be very frustrating, especially when you discover that your partner or spouse cannot take decisions without consulting the person. Such situation will give room to other issues in your relationship if not handled properly.

    Don’t get me wrong, everybody deserves to have good friends that they can open up to from time to time; friends who wish you well, friends who have your interest at heart, friends who will tell it as it is no matter the circumstances. But it becomes unhealthy when decisions are based on suggestions from friends. It exposes the relationship to all sorts of challenges.

    It can be very bad when a man who is supposed to be the head of a family cannot take decisions on his own, for example. The way you feel at the moment is understandable, so the way forward should not be taken for granted.

    Here are useful tips in dealing with the situation: effective communication is highly required in your case; arrange a meeting with your partner or spouse to discuss how his friend’s involvement in your relationship is affecting you as a person and your relationship with him or her; feel free to state instances, if possible, because it will help your partner/spouse to understand the implication of his/her actions.

    However, if he falls under the category of those who find it very difficult to take up responsibilities and always blame someone instead for talking them into action, this simply indicates that  there is a problem which he or she will need to work on. Sometimes, in situations like yours (although we have not heard your partner’s version), it could be that he is afraid of commitment. So, while you are addressing the issue with him in a calm and sincere manner, a proper review of your relationship is very important so that you know your place because you don’t want to suddenly realise that all the while that you made him a priority, you were only an option.

    Avoid anger and threat in the course of discussion so that you can get accurate answers to your questions. What you don’t want is to be in a relationship for the wrong reasons or with the wrong person. Relationship is not one-sided. It takes two people who share the same feelings to make it work.

    You can actually call it an investment like money in a bank account. What you put in is what you get. While you are trying to make sure that the situation is resolved, it will be nice if he is on the same page with you. Respecting your partner’s or spouse’s views or opinions promotes a healthy relationship. To be in an unhealthy relationship is the worst thing that can happen to anyone because of the emotional trauma that comes with it, for instance.

    Therefore, it will be wise to understand the kind of friends you have and the role they play in your life. The fact of life is that, as we go along in the course of life, we are bound to make friends for different reasons and purpose. They either influence us positively or negatively. In seeking counsel, not everybody is qualified to speak in your situation.

    A friend who cannot maintain a healthy relationship is definitely not going to give good advice. You can only give what you have. Besides, be mindful of where and who you take your problems to so that you don’t get what you never bargained for. A mirror reflects a man’s face but his true personality is the kind of friends he keeps.

    Relationship issues are better resolved together by a couple or partners without involving a third party except in situations where the help of a professional is required. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng  or bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj

  • Ways to tackle matters of the heart

    Dear Harriet, I have been married for some years but still maintain just a friendly relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Recently, I am beginning to have affection for her more than my wife. I keep feeling that my marriage is a mistake. Please, what should I do? Kindly help me. Thanks.

    Name withheld. Lagos

     

    Thanks for sharing your situation with us. Your case is not an exceptional one, trust me. Some people are in your situation in their relationship or marriage at the moment but they find it hard or there is no outlet or somebody to speak to. Some have tuned their minds to go with the flow while others are standing firm, putting all the ex-girlfriend feelings to rest.

    One thing for sure is that there is no perfect wife or perfect husband. Couples, in some cases, have this feeling that they would have been better married to maybe their ex or someone else. They think the grass is greener on the other side. This will pose a huge problem if not tackled properly. The feeling of someone better than your wife, if care is not taken, can give room to other issues in the home.

    In no time, you will start seeing and treating your wife badly, simply because of the feelings you have for your ex, without realising it. As a result, you will always find fault in your wife, no matter how much she tries to be a good wife for you. Your marriage is very young, and I suppose that before you proposed to your wife, you thought it through, most of all, if there was some kind of affection or connection between both of you.

    Agree that the early years of coming together to live as one is really not easy because everybody is trying to make a point, call it securing their space somehow. Couples struggle at this early stage. Take, for instance, all this while you are used to doing things in a certain way, but now that you are married the story is different, it is no longer going your way; things have changed. This stage does not last forever since couples get better as the day goes by. The main quality that will keep couples going is if they have love for each other, which is the main factor that holds a good marriage together.

    Love overcomes every obstacle. Another factor is to have an open mind with your wife; no assumptions because, without a free mind, you cannot have effective communication, an important ingredient that couples need for a successful marriage. Acceptance and contentment must be mentioned at this point because when they are lacking in a marriage, it can give room for issues.

    Satisfaction comes from within, so to snap out of this feeling is to remind yourself of the reason why you married your wife. The ball is in your court to make your marriage work. Come to think of it, what guarantee is there that your ex will be a better wife? Relationship or dating is a different game compared to marriage. Besides, she can only show you the part of her that she wants you to see. Have you ever thought of it? The devil you know, they say, is better than the angel you don’t know. Think it over and see how you can make it work because one thing we must note is that it takes two to build a happy home.

    Furthermore, every couple has its strengths and weaknesses. Learn to encourage each other and work on your weaknesses as a team. Talk to her about everything, especially your likes and dislikes, don’t hold anything back and ask her about hers as well. Discuss freely about all, even your sex life. You are married, confirmed husband and wife, for crying out loud. So, talk and learn from each other on how to bond as one. In addition, if you want to stop thinking about your ex, you need to take away her presence from your life. Therefore, all contact with her must stop; no phone calls, no text messages, e-mails or social media messages.

    Interaction must be brief and formal, if necessary. There is no perfect marriage, you must know. For every successful marriage you see out there, it means that someone worked at it. Someone showed love, faithfulness, honesty, humility, patience, tolerance, appreciation and satisfaction. Life is about the choices we make. Occupy your mind with thoughts that will aid you to achieve realistic goals in order to be a better person and husband. Take up sporting activities that you enjoy. Filling your days up will leave little time to start feeling or thinking of your ex. Get busy.

    Having joint activity with your wife can bring back the spark in your relationship. Make space to spend quality time as couples together, go out if need be, and do those things you used to do. Enjoy each other’s company. Most marriages are boring today because couples pay little or no attention to spending quality time doing what they enjoy doing before marriage. Feeling is a mind set, and you alone can control it. Cherish what you have.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her blog; www.liwh.com.ng  or bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj

    A problem shared is a problem half solved

  • Dealing with verbal abuse in marriage

    Dear Harriet, thank God I got a person like you. I have been in a verbally abusive marriage and my husband doesn’t see anything wrong in it. My feelings do not matter to him. I am psychologically traumatised because of this abuse. He calls me names like ‘mugu’, ‘idiot’, ‘stupid’, ‘senseless’, ‘goat’, ‘aturu’ (sheep) ‘evil’, ‘devil’; how I can’t meet up as a wife, more so that  he is keeping me because of the children, and that nothing good comes out of me. With all these happenings, I can’t have sex with my husband any longer or feel free with him. I need your counsel please.

    Name with held, Abuja

    Thanks for sharing your situation with us and seeking advice on how to deal with happening in your relationship with your husband. What you are actually experiencing with your spouse is a form of abuse known as verbal abuse. This kind of abuse is very common in relationships and, most times, victim do not tag it abuse because it is not physical or it appears subtle and hard to recognise due to the manner it plays out, so some victims do not know that they are going through verbal abuse.

    Giving a clear understanding of what you are passing through is of great essence, so I will start by explaining what action can be classified as verbal abuse and its effect, then steps to take which I had published months before for people with similar experience. This is not only applicable to women; some men are verbally abused by their wives as well.

    Verbal abuse is explained as constant use of words to undermine someone’s dignity and security through insults or humiliation with the intension to control the behaviour, thoughts and feelings of the person. For example: name-calling, using words like ‘stupid’, ‘idiot’, ‘fool’, ‘useless’, and so on. These words put your spouse or partner down. Yelling, screaming and swearing at your spouse or partner belittle them. Some feel so afraid to be free with their spouse or partner in the process. Victims are constantly ‘walking on egg shells’ for fear of been told off.

    Furthermore is the blaming and shaming attitude, the ‘can’t see anything good in their spouse or partner’, always finding fault, showing no appreciation no matter how hard the victim tries, isolation, intimidation, easy dismissal during discussions; disregard of spouse opinion or suggestion and controlling behaviour. All these are signs of verbal abuse.

    You may think that physical abuse is far worse than verbal or emotional abuse, since physical violence can kill or send someone to the hospital and even leave permanent scars on the victim. But the scars of verbal or emotional abuse are very real. They run deep. In fact, verbal or emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse, sometimes even more. It affects the victim slowly.

    A skilled abuser can actually destroy his victim’s self esteem while making the person believe that his or her action is done out of love and care. Moreover, verbal abuse can be so regular that it becomes the normal way of communication. In addition, it puts the victim in a confused state, not really knowing what to believe anymore, their own thoughts or the abusive words said to them, especially from someone who initially loved them.

    Other effects of verbal or emotional abuse are fear, anger, bitterness and resentment, insecurity, depression, rejection, eating disorder, psychological trauma and so on. Verbal abuse can take a great toll on someone’s health and general well-being if not addressed. More ways of dealing with issues of verbal abuse are to have effective communication with your spouse about how his talking down on you affects you and the relationship and talking about the attitude in a very calm manner, not through a quarrel.

    If you are not making any headway through this means, your next step is to suggest visiting a trained counsel or speaking out to a member of the family that you feel he or she will listen to for help. However, if he is the type that doesn’t listen to anybody, still make your report. Avoid silence because your abuser gains more control when you don’t talk. He might kick against it at the beginning. Learn not to force it but keep at it in a nice way and don’t forget to take your situation to God in prayer while you add action to it by doing the aforementioned.

    Think more about yourself than your situation, take good care of yourself and be happy, take up a hobby that you enjoy, register with a gym if possible, as exercise is a form of relaxation that makes you feel good with yourself. Nobody has the right to make you miserable except you permit it. Don’t regard his attitude towards you as your fault. Another step is to avoid isolation. Instead, surround yourself with true friends and family members for support. To stay sane, you surely will need all the help you can get.

    Moreover, avoid engaging in conflict with your abuser, be calm when he or she is upset, don’t give room for him to call you names, walk away if possible without an attitude. Verbal abuse, if not handled properly, can give room to other forms of abuse like physical abuse, the type that has sent spouses to their early grave. Don’t get me wrong, I am not an advocate of divorce, but safety is very important and must not be neglected.

    As you seek healthy ways to restore the situation, have the right attitude towards one another. Bear in mind that there is no moral justification whatsoever for a spouse or partner to verbally abuse his or her spouse, no matter the situation. Temper control promotes a healthy relationship among spouses which is a key factor in putting an end to verbal abuse.

    One thing married couples should be mindful of is the words they speak to and about each other because the direction of marriage is determined by the direction of the tongue. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on her blog: www. Liwh.com.ng or bineharriet@gmail.com, text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine

  • How to handle family problems

    Dear Harriet,

    I am 45 years old married man with children.

    Please, I need your counsel on family problems. Thanks.

    Mr. James Y., Lagos.

    Family problems come in all shapes and sizes; some are short-lived and easily managed, while others are more chronic and difficult to handle. Some are just temporary which disappear in no time, if only families learn to be patient.

    As the saying goes, there is no perfect family. That is why each family develops its own ways of coping with the various stresses like illness, injury, changing jobs, unemployment, financial difficulties and so on.

    Unsuccessful coping can be recognized by a number of characteristics as follows: poor communication, poor problem-solving, poor division of duties, lack of emotional support, differences, over-dependency on others, chronic crises.

    Poor interaction is one common problem that exists within the family. Could be that family members either avoid talking with one another due to past encounter or have not learned to listen well to what others are trying to say through their words, expressions or actions.

    As a matter of fact, a situation where conflicts and disagreements are not resolved poses as a problem to the family. This usually occurs when family members avoid discussing problems or even avoid admitting that there is a problem in the first place.

    Impression like this extends conflict which causes some discomfort and unhappiness. Some families still have not learnt  the skill of negotiating or, for some other reasons, cannot let go of bad feelings with little or no regard on how this action can affect the members of the family, bearing in mind that  children on their own pattern their attitude after their parents’ bahaviour.

    In addition, inability to settle differences within the family can also pose as a huge problem; for example, in a situation where family members are finding it difficult on deciding what problems really exist or who is responsible, the choice for working out the problem and how the family can agree upon an option and act on it can be a challenge. There may not be an agreement on what the priorities are within the family in the process.

    Another aspect that poses as a problem in a family is the area of poor division of responsibilities; families often decide how family responsibilities will be shared among family members. When situation like this occurs the life of the family becomes completely confused and many things are not accomplished.

    At the other extreme, some families are not flexible at all and family members do not help one another out or fairly reassign responsibilities as family circumstances change.

    However, cases like insufficient emotional support is not left out as a problem facing the family. Families are, especially for children, the most important source of emotional support. During the middle years, children, for instance, believe that their emotional support should come from their family. A situation where it is not available, they then start seeking for it outside the family, which as a result, puts them in danger. Note children do not perform or develop well without their family support.

    Lack of individual differences: Families function best when the individuality of each family member is acknowledged and appreciated. Personal traits and characteristics are to be highly valued. Each family member needs to tolerate and respect individual traits, and lack of this can lead to a serious problem in the family.

    When family members withhold love from one another because of family differences, children as members of the family are most likely to have difficult time developing a healthy self-image and they will have low self-esteem and limited poor social skills.

    Complete reliability on others: Children need to succeed in order to feel capable of successfully managing life’s stress and challenges. If they are taught or encouraged to depend on others (within the family or outside it) to solve their problems will be a difficult issue. It also limits their ability to challenge themselves. Low self- esteem is one common factor that is attached to over-dependency on others. As a matter of fact, this is one common problem the family suffers

    Habitual crises: Families who have some of the above characteristics are likely to have trouble coping with life’s inevitable crises. In these families, even relatively simple problems are not resolved, but take on the appearance and feel of major dilemmas. Thus by their lack of successful coping skills, these families create additional difficulties for themselves and go from crisis to crisis, with little relief and little pleasure from life or from one another.

    Although we all strive for perfection, there is no perfect family. Each family has its own strengths and weaknesses, assets and liabilities, challenges and problems. If your family seems overwhelmed with problems or if there is breakdown in relationships within your family, it is probably time for professional aid.

    As parents or guardians, your task is to meet the multiple demands of the family with energy and creativity. By so doing, you will enable your children to grow and develop in a positive, healthy way in order to experience self-fulfilment.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine, blog; liwh.com.ng

  • Joys of courtship, fears of marriage

    Joys of courtship, fears of marriage

    The period of courtship is very important and paramount in every relationship because it is the period of knowing each other, the period of knowing the character and attitude that each partner possesses.

    This is also the time of knowing each other’s background, family members and also the time for each partner to prepare for greater responsibilities.

    According to an online source, Courtship is the period in a relationship which precedes engagement and marriage or the establishment of an agreed relationship of a more enduring kind. During this time, there are likely to be many challenges because it is a time of understanding each other. Most often, partners detect the weakness(s) of one another during this period. It is also a period during which a couple develops a romantic relationship before getting married. Each intending partner gets to know how to manage or tolerate the temperaments of the spouse, since up-bring and exposure, education and mindsets are not the same from person to person.

    On the other hand, Marriage, according to an online free dictionary, is a legally and formally recognized union of a man and a woman. Similarly, it is a process by which two adults make their relationships public with consents of parents or other witnesses. In some cases, Courtship leads to marriage. However, there is a clear distinction between marriage and wedding.

    The utmost aim of every partner is to end up in marriage with man or woman of their choice, but sometimes fail to understudy what marriage entails.

    Interestingly, most young person in contemporary days, look forward to that day of wedding but do not know about the challenges of marriage. Suffice to note here that being mature is more important in handling all these responsibilities either in “marriage or courtship”.

    As for Courtship, it allows intending spouses to practice­, in a limited way, the roles and the virtues needed in marriage, while marriage permits them to practice the roles and virtues necessary in living together for life.

    In proper courtship, it is necessary for the partners must recognize their first righteous desires and ambitions.

    In conclusion, by the most courtship metamorphose into marriage most of the physical growth of each partner would have already occurred. More importantly, the level of friendship that the couples have shown during courtship, goes a long way in determining how smooth the marriage ride will be, beginning from their wedding night.

    Then, every intending spouse should bear in mind that the main purpose of courtship is to avoid troubles in marriage and to know each partner’s behaviors, attitudes, mannerism, temperament and interests better before getting married. To the singles in courtship, please note that marriage is not the place to start your studies, rather courtship. And to the married, do have blissful years together for life.