The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Why you should forgive and forget (2)

    WE will be looking at more useful counsel on why it is necessary to forgive and forget. Sometimes we find it difficult to let go despite the fact that we claim to have forgiven our offenders. Like some people will say, I can forgive, but I cannot forget.

    Genuine forgiveness and giving-up resentment go hand in hand. Real forgiveness requires three things: understanding the other’s experiences and feelings, being compassionate to others and accepting others as they are.

    To forget what was said or the action that was carried out, or pretend that it never happened is not true because the word or action indeed took place, so for you to let go which is regarded forgetting, the following steps should be put into consideration.

    Talk about how the word or action has affected you. It could be your friend,  family member or worker, and find out what made him or her say or do what hurt you. Make your message clear, and pour out your emotion freely.

    Avoid violence because it is not the best way of resolving issues. Don’t be in denial and tell the person your pain, bitterness, and resentment. On the other hand, if writing the issue down will make you feel better, why not do so.

    The main issue here is that you need to let it out from your mind, so that you can get rid of the whole issue faster and move on. Because the sooner you forgive and let go, the better for you as a person. As a matter of fact, forgiveness is really an act of will, making up your mind to forgive the offender, even before you are asked for forgiveness.

    This can only take place when you put certain steps into consideration, which are as follows: First is to acknowledge that others have also forgiven your offences as well. Once you realize this, forgiving your offender might come easier.

    The next step is to release the person from your mind. It might be emotional which involves mental bundling up all hostile feelings and throwing them behind you. This can be achieved in two ways either by meeting face to face or by using a substitute possibly sharing the issue with someone who will help you put things right with your offender.

    Acceptance must not be excluded, accepting others as they are and releasing them from any responsibility to meet your needs should also be considered.  Learn not to expect more from people, so that you will not be disappointed by their actions.

    Certain people can make or destroy your day, depending on the level of attention you give to their actions or utterances. However, when you decide as an act of will to forgive, you absolve your offender of any responsibility to meet your expectations. In addition, you must see the person as a tool in your life to assist your growth. Experience, they say, is the best teacher. It also helps you understand and appreciate boundaries.

    The last thing that must be considered is the aspect of reconciliation, regardless of how you go about it. Restoration after forgiveness is vital and you must ask God to restore the lost good relationship you once shared with this person.

    Furthermore, several things will occur once the forgiveness process is completed. The first effect is that all the negative feelings about your offender will disappear completely and you start seeing the person in a different form. Henceforth, you find it simple to accept your offender without feeling the need to change him, being willing to understand people for who they are and be able to tolerate their strengths and weaknesses.

    Finally, your concern should be more about the person, not his or her action. So, no matter the pain, whatever the situation, you must learn to get involved with the process of forgiving others and find out what it means to let go and be free.  Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine, blog; liwh.com.ng

  • Why you should forgive and forget?

    Dear Harriet, I am hurting badly. I just can’t forgive him for what he did. It is so hard for me to let go. Please, help me.

    Amaka, Lagos.

    Thanks for sharing your situation; it is not that easy to open up when it comes to emotional issues, so I must commend you for your text message because some people in your situation will try dealing with it on their own, instead of seeking help.

    From every indication, it must have been a very painful experience, although details of the offence are not given here. Holding on to grudge and revenge works like a deadly poison that can destroy the general well- being and mind of a person.

    Not been able to face anger and confront bitterness issues (whether from a loved one, colleague, relative and so on), people allow  unforgiving behaviour to cause much distress for them. However, it might sound impossible or irrational, let’s face it, forgiveness is the most difficult issue to tackle in one’s heart. The reason is simply because the afflicted person believes that he or she has every cause to loathe his or her offender.

    Forgetting that by refusing to forgive and let go, you might feel you are fine by it without knowing that the experience is only a temporary feeling of peace, a momentary taste of satisfaction and contentment for a while to prove your supposed strength and ability to forge on with life, leaving the offender behind.

    As a matter of fact, forgiveness is a choice, conscious decision. Note it is a personal decision to let go off the pain, bitterness that the action has caused. Forgiveness makes you feel relief; it’s like a heavy weight has been lifted off your heart.

    Don’t forget when you bear grudges, you are actually the person that is putting his/her health in danger, therefore, when you forgive, you are helping yourself; it makes way for kindness and compassion.  It reduces anxiety, stress and hostility. It also helps to reduce the intake of alcohol and abusive substances to ease off the painful situation.

    Forgiving the person does not make the offence right or that you accept the wrong action, instead it is a way of peace with yourself and the person.

    The choice a person makes can affect the rest of his or her life. There are so many people who have been burdened with an unforgiving heart, a heart that feels the same way you feel at the moment because of the magnitude of the offence this will  affect other aspects of their lives because they did not deal with the issue properly.

    In addition, some people view forgiveness as an agreement or settlement, forgetting that genuine forgiveness is not a truce but a pardon. Aforementioned, the person is not agreeing rather he or she is releasing; forgiveness benefits the offended person more than the offender.

    That is to say once forgiveness is offered, it means the problem is totally handed over to God Almighty and the person offering forgiveness is released to freedom. You might feel, why are we sounding religious, yes we are of different beliefs or religions, but one thing is certain God created us and put us in the world we live in, having to deal with people with different character. It is only wise for us to live, according to the way He instructed us, knowing that forgiveness is a major aspect we are asked to practise.

    Moreover, another important fact to understand is that forgiveness releases a person from the role of being a victim. There is no way to hold an offender hostage in your mind because the only one being held captive is the one who is unwilling to offer forgiveness. He or she is kept there by his or her emotions.

    Furthermore, the common perception about forgiveness is that some people feel that a person must go to them personally and declare their forgiveness.

    Pronouncing our forgiveness to someone who has not first solicited it sometimes causes more problems than it solves. Therefore, forgiveness is a much more involved issue than just putting time between us and the event. It is actually a process that involves understanding our own forgiveness and how it applies to those people who have caused us pain.

    To be continued.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine, blog; liwh.com.ng

  • How to cope with sudden change of attitude in relationship

    Good day ma, I am a big fan of yours. I sincerely appreciate your useful counsel. Please, I need your advice.

    I am emotionally down. My girlfriend for some years has now changed. I really don’t understand her attitude any more.

    Ever since she relocated to a different state for work, she is not the same person.

    Please, help me.

    Thanks.

    Name withheld, Abuja.

     

    Thanks for your text message; I must commend you for sharing your story. As human, we yearn for instinctive need for love, protection and security.

    These are feelings associated with being in a relationship and once any aspect is affected, you feel hurt. It is natural, but the ability to evaluate your situation and be truthful to yourself is very important.

    Based on your message, it is difficult to know why your girlfriend has changed because I have so few details about the relationship, but here are some useful tips that might be of help to you in a time like this.

    Try not to jump to conclusions about issues. People behave in different ways for different reasons, so it will be a good idea to have a conversation with her first.

    Find out from her why the sudden change of attitude and in the process, tell her all your observations and how the change is affecting you.

    Learn to keep an open mind. More so, listen attentively, removing every assumption. In situation like this, it is very important to talk with the person involved directly. The reason is that it will help you understand the reason behind the action.

    Remember, you are no mind reader, so the only way for you to know the intension of a person is actually by talking with the person. However, if you have difficulty communicating, then seek a professional counselling together before you propose to her. It is easier sometimes to talk to a stranger than to relatives or friends.

    During talking therapy, the trained counsellor will listen to you and help you find your own answers to problems, without judging you. The counsellor will give you time to talk, cry, shout, or think. It is an opportunity to look at your problems in a different way with someone who will respect and encourage your opinions and the decision you make.

    This would help you to gain some clarity and give you an idea of where the relationship is, your feelings about it, then the things you could do yourself to make some changes. You can only work on changing yourself not another person. Many couples undergo premarital counselling. You need to be certain that getting married is the right choice for the right reason with the right person.

    In addition, it is important that couples correct all problems in the relationship before they get married. Marriage will not automatically fix the problems in a relationship. The same problem that exists before marriage will exist after marriage if not handle properly.

    It is a very wise idea and I would highly recommend it in this situation, but if she refuses to go with you, then she wouldn’t benefit from therapy. A person needs first to admit that there’s something wrong and be willing to work on it, for therapy to stand a chance.

    Next is self-evaluation. On your part, it is necessary you check yourself because sometimes we just don’t realize how our words or actions are perceived. Note, often times, the people around us, including our loved ones won’t even tell us. In some cases, they don’t know how to articulate it, and other times, they give us passive, aggressive or silent treatment just to make us uncomfortable and to punish us for being insensitive.

    Furthermore, acceptance in matters that affect the heart is vital. Whatever explanation she gives should be accepted. It might not be what you want to hear. If she tells you in the process of conversation or you trying to make things work that she doesn’t feel the same way, listen, respect her decision and move on.

    It might not be easy. You will be emotionally traumatize, but you will definitely heal naturally,  because it is better for you to have a broken heart that can be amended with time than for you to have a broken marriage since you intend proposing to her soon. It takes two people who are in love to have a successful marriage defeating every odd together. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine, blog; liwh.com.ng

  • How to handle an unfriendly partner

    Dear Harriet, I am 33 years old with a job and in a relationship. Please, I need your help on how to handle a boyfriend that is not affectionate? Thanks.

    Tessy O.,

    Lagos.

     

    Thanks for your text message. Your question is one major challenge that a good number of people in relationships are experiencing.  It is something that from the very time we are born, we seek from others.

    As human, we yearn for instinctive need for love, protection and security. These are feelings associated with being in a relationship and once any aspect is affected, you feel hurt.

    However, the truth of life is as we get older, some people are very comfortable with giving and receiving affection, while for others, affection poses as a great challenge. They feel uncomfortable because they don’t know how to show or receive affection.

    Bear in mind, you can only give what you have, so in relationships, affection is a necessary part of a healthy relationship. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is not meeting your affection needs, it can create great strain on your relationship which might affect other aspects.

    Affection is not centered on sex as some people term it to be. It is more of care, friendship, kindness, regards, love, good will and so on. I need to make this clear because the way and manner people regard affection this day, especially the youth call for concern.

    Moving on, in a situation like this, the reason for the action must not be neglected so the question that comes to mind is “why”. What is the cause of lack of affection? For some people, it might be as a result of the followings; upbringing, for example, may be, he was raised in a home where his father or mother was not affectionate and he never learned how to show or receive affection, like I mentioned earlier you don’t give what you don’t have. You can only give what you have.

    Next, he or she may be insecure about himself or herself or could be that your friend is self-centred and actually believes that showing affection serves no purpose. Some men take expressing their feelings to their partners for granted. They go with the attitude of she knows, forgetting that every woman appreciates affection.

    On the other hand, maybe he is one of those men who simply believe that expressing affection is a sign of weakness. The solution to the issue is to have a discussion with your partner, pour your heart to him and make him understand how the situation is affecting you.

    Don’t pretend to be happy when you are not. Note, people are different so the way we receive information differs. For some, they will be able to open up easily while some might find it very difficult, depending on the personality type. In such situation, you might need to take it easy on the person and help him or her.

    In the process of your discussion, if you observe that it is more than what you bargain for, may be you suggest a talk to a professional about it to him or her so that help can be rendered.  Show concern and don’t forget to mention his or her great qualities. This will help a lot.

    More so, there are certain things you must avoid when dealing with the issue of not showing affection in relationships; don’t compare his affection behaviour to other men or women in your life. This will definitely get the person angry. Don’t make your partner feel inadequate- you need to show compassion.

    Do not try to belittle him or her. Avoid threatening your partner on the issue because threats will never work. Remember, affection comes from the heart. Don’t hold back mentioning the problem and how it bothers you, if you need more affection.

    Let him know and be specific, never keep this bottled up inside. Also don’t let him minimize the seriousness of the problem. Some people have the tendency to joke around such issue.  So don’t let your girlfriend or boyfriend try to make this like it doesn’t matter or say that you are being ridiculous.

    Finally, men, for instance, will say, ‘I do a lot for you; don’t you know how I feel?’ Why do I have to say it? This is a fair point, but the fact is she needs to hear how much you care, love and appreciate her. And for the ladies, if you are the one who finds it difficult to be affectionate, you need to understand that your partner needs to be cared for, loved and regarded.

    Explain to your partner in a caring and compassionate manner with a concerned tone why being affectionate matters to you. Hopefully he will understand where you are coming from and will be happy to discuss the issue or accept the idea to seek help to make the relationship better.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt messages only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj, instagram-harrietogbobine, blog; liwh.com.ng,

  • How to regain a lost friend

    Dear Harriet, I am a 52-year-old man, self-employed and a constant reader of your column. I need your counsel on how to regain a lost friend. Please, help me.

    Anonymous,

    Lagos.

     

    Thanks for your text message, lost friendships happen over time based on different reasons, sometimes they may be caused by situations beyond  control, for instance you grow up, move away, get married, start a family and make career moves before you realize it you have lost touch with many of your close friends, more so, people change for different reasons, so the friends you once were close to may not want to have a relationship with you anymore with time, so reviving lost friendship can be tough, but here are some useful tips that might be of help: Diagnose the cause.  Lost friendship can happen at any age, so at what point and how did you get disconnected.

    A proper evaluation of the situation will help you know how to bring that friendship back to life again or how to connect with your friend provided that you did not have an unresolved misunderstanding.

    First is to find a way to address the problem with your friend amicably. The next step is to find a way to reach out to your friend; try to search for your friend, this can be done through, may be common friends you both share or relatives if you happen to know any of them, or social media. For example, make a phone call, sometimes the most challenging part of reactivating a lost friendship is simply finding that person again. If it has been a long time you saw or heard from the person, he or she might have moved to a different location, you might not be able to reach out to them even on the phone in case there’s a change of number. Some calls to other people who could give you information on how to reach your old friend should be considered.

    Furthermore, once you are able to reach out to your friend, invite him or her to a lunch. The easy way to renew an old friendship is over a nice friendly lunch or outing. A public social setting is always one of the best ways to create a relaxed, no strings environment. You will both feel more at ease and discuss openly, catching up on each other’s lives.

    Moreover, plan a play date. If you both have a family now, it will be nice to plan a play date with your children. Arrange fun outing with the children, do have fun outside the house doing activities that benefit both families. This will also give room for both families to get to know each other, active and busy rather than just sitting and looking at each other, running out of conversation in no time.

    In addition, understanding is very vital in reviving lost friendship. In some cases it might just be difficult to restore an old friendship, especially if there may be hurt feelings or perhaps too much water flowed under the bridge. Or may be the person is going through some challenges that prevent him or her from reforming the friendship with you at the moment.

    The approach to such situation is patience and understanding, if things don’t go the way or at the rate you expected them to.

    The need to rebuild respect is an aspect that must not be neglected. Respect suffers in some cases of disconnection of friendship, so if your friendship is to survive, it will ultimately depend on the reviving of respect. Taking away respect from a friendship is removing the most splendid ornament it possesses.

    To begin this step is to first identify your friend’s most admirable qualities, make a list of these qualities of character. The reason is not to whitewash your friend’s personality, but to appreciate his or her strength and accept his or her weaknesses, bearing in mind that people are partially good and bad, but most of life, including our friendships, plays a variety of colours and we must learn to accept the fact so that we don’t miss out of a lot of relationships. Friendship is about accepting each other’s imperfections

    In addition, you might need to own up to your end of the relationship by offering a genuine apology (if you are the offender) for not being the kind of friend you could have been. Identify specific things you did that contributed to the friendship failure, admit them to your friend in an apology, and seek forgiveness with a sincere heart so that mutual respect can follow.

    This will make you feel better with yourself because you are the main beneficiary of reconciliation, but if you feel pain of regret or remorse when you think about a lost friend and you pay no attention to it, you will never know what might generated into a great wonderful friendship, although some people believe that some friendships are not worth reviving so long there is no enmity involved.

    Trust is essential and the relationship must be reunion on trust without any doubt. This might not happen immediately because of the gap, but with time, things will fall in place.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to me on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can follow her on twitter @bineharrietj  blog; Liwh.com.ng

    A problem shared is a problem half solved

  • How to avoid poor parenting

    Dear Harriet, As a young parent, I will like you to kindly give counsel on the causes of inattentive parenting.

    Mrs Mercy D.  Abuja

    Your question is a serious cause for concern because inattentive parenting is a major factor for the challenges in our society today.

    The common argument is that we have to work, so that we can provide for our family. That’s true, but in the process, your role as a parent or guardian must not be neglected. For example, people who are raised in an environment of indifference with lack of proper attention, love, and care from parents or guardians in their childhood are often face with challenges.

    Parenting is joyous, but difficult. It is hard enough to juggle the many demands of life. Some people find giving appropriate attention and care to one more children on top of the already considerable responsibilities of marriage and career as a nearly impossible job while others succeed easily. However, here are a few factors that can lead to inattentive parenting.

    Family breakdown: Divorced and single parenting, for instance, create stress on parents. The anger and pain a parent experiences from divorce, or loss of a loved one may overshadow his /her attitude towards members of the family. For example, after a divorce, many a times, one parent is left alone to accomplish the full responsibility of parenting, in addition there may be extra financial burden, beginning a new career for self-improvement, getting into a new relationship. These might serve as a distraction and may lead to less or no attention on the children and other members of the house.

    Single parenting, on the other hand, is an overwhelming task. It is very difficult for single parent to find the proper balance for his needs and that of his family, most especially if the reason for being single is as a result of loss of a loved one. However, some parents are admirably attentive to their children’s needs bearing in mind that they are all they have got.

    Too often teenagers’ emotional needs for attention, affection and support are neglected.

    Poverty: This is the most common cause of neglect because a parent does not have the resources to provide all the necessary needs of the family can result to neglect. Many causes related to poverty increase the likelihood of neglect or inattention, are single parent, multiple siblings and so on.

    Furthermore, locomotive lifestyle in today’s fast pace world, both parents sometimes feel pressured to work. They leave home very early only to get home when the children are in bed. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with both parents working, but they should try as much as possible to balance the home front. This cuts across every class, upper, middle and low class. To avoid neglecting our children as we go out there working for the good of our family, without knowing, parents should remember to be involved by playing a major role

    Multiple siblings can also be a cause for neglect; it is not difficult to see how multiple siblings in a family can make it harder to invest interest and attention in each child. Take for example, as the youngest among other siblings in a family, Bisi never got individual attention from her parents. They were both busy working and trying to keep up with bills a larger family can so easily incur. Bisi’s parents were never available or interested in attending any of her school activites. Infact, they did everything they could to discourage her from pursuing extracurricular interest, citing the additional financial burden such involvement would cause. Bisi felt loved, but neglected in this situation.

    Parent preoccupation with the social ladder: Parents tend to neglect their children if they are preoccupied with anything, especially social advancement. For instance, Emeka’s mum and dad were involved in several activities, and both were constantly vying for advancement. Emeka was left in the care of an aunt, his mum’s older sister; his parents did not know that their son and his caretaker were drinking together every afternoon.

    Mental illness can contribute to inattentive parenting. Manic depression, postpartum depression and clinic depression are some of the disorders that might lead to parental inattention. When a parent suffers from one of these disorders and is not being treated appropriately, the disease will sorely inhibit his or her ability to give attention to a child.

    Selfishness: Today’s society urges men and women to “have it all” and to “have it your way,” earn three figure incomes, send your children to private school, vacation abroad and meanwhile have a happy family. Parents who buy into this attitude of” have it all” mentality will typically neglect their children’s emotional needs, choosing (consciously or un consciously) to place their needs ahead of their children’s needs.

    Lack of parenting skills: Children don’t come with a parenting manual. Most first-time parents admit that nothing could have prepared them for the demands of parenthood. Some struggle, work, and finally succeed at developing skills that not only provide for their children’s physical needs, but for their emotional needs as well.

    Unfortunately, many parents believe that parenting means only providing financially for a family.

    However, a young person whose parents seem unconcerned or inattentive is likely to experience hurt, frustration, anger, sometimes resulting in bitterness, or rage, as well as feelings of insecurity and loneliness. Reactions such as these may prompt many and various effects like low self- esteem, poor academic achievement, poor peer selection, sexual activity, rebellious behaviour, drugs and alcohol problems.

    Solution: Communicate with your children and learn to spend quality times with them.

    Offer them hope, show them that you have confident in them.

    Be involved in their academics, go through their work, and ask questions about the happenings in school.

    Support in their school activity.

    Reward and praise them when they perform well

    Encourage them when they don’t do well academically.

    Show equal love to your children.

    Lead them into relationship with God, who is always there for them.

    Direct them to positive peer groups. Explain to them the kind of friends they should keep at their level.

    Encourage children to help siblings or friends who may also be feeling neglected or unloved.

    Keep reassuring them that they are loved at all times no matter the situation.

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to me on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can follow her on twitter @bineharrietj  blog; Liwh.com.ng

  • Tips on starting a blended family!!

    Tips on starting a blended family

    Dear Harriet, I am a 53-year-old single parent with two children. I started dating again after some years. He is very caring and loving to us. He actually makes me understand that a woman can really be appreciated. I will like to spend the rest of my life with him, but my challenge is how to cope with his three children. Please, I need your counsel on how to start a blended family.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    Thanks for sharing your problem; it will interest you to know that most singles in your situation have the same challenge.

    Parenting is never easy. It involves a lot. When  families come together to form one family, some children may resist changes, while parents, on their own, can be frustrated in the process, especially when things don’t function properly.

    However, changing to a new family structure can be tough on parents and children, so here are some tips that may help blended families adjust and build a successful relationship with one another.

    First, it will be a good idea to have an effective discussion with your partner before marriage on how you both intend to parent together, everything should be laid on the table, asking all the necessary questions and agreeing together. Adjustment  to be made,  if required so that you and you partner will have a clear picture of what you are going into from the very start, more so, this  will help for a better understanding of the children and a smoother transition.

    If your case of being single is as a result of divorce or separation, it will be nice for you to also talk to your children about the changes that will take place, listen to their feelings and try to answer their questions honestly.

    Avoid unnecessary details or negativity about the other family; remind your children that they did nothing to cause the divorce or separation in the first place and that you will always love them. Arrange meeting and trying to know your partner’s children before marriage will be of great help and must be done.

    Acceptance is very important; the fact that you and your partner have decided to get married to form a new family (blended) which includes children from both pervious relationships means that you must learn to embrace all that comes with it, although it can be a bit hard to find the right balance due to the high expectations, but with patience and tolerance, everything will fall in place.

    Moving on is the next aspect which is the issue of time. Time is of great essence in building a new family. Take each day as it comes with an open mind and remember that it will take time for every one involved to be able to adjust to the new structure, so changes should be introduced gradually, for example, too many changes at once can unsettle children.

    In addition, show love to both your children and your stepchildren. As a matter of fact, avoid discrimination. Care for them, treat them well because they are yours now, correct them with love and compliment them as well.

    Children in such situation are happy to know that they are loved and treated the same, in case, you don’t get the kind of response expected, never mind, with some children it takes time.  Think of the changes as making small investment that will yield a lot of interest one day.

    Be yourself and don’t fake it; be open to your spouse and the children, for instance, if you notice an attitude you don’t like. Address it and don’t pretend. Keep an open door policy, be someone that is approachable and show conscience towards their challenges.

    Be the mother that does not only hear them, but listen to them. Furthermore, create family bonding time. Involve the children in the religious aspect by helping them in their spiritual life, guiding them through the path of God. Make time to have fun moments with them in respective of their age, ask them what they will like to do, show interest in things they like so that you can have conversation with them.

    In setting rules and regulations, be firm and flexible. Make out time for each other as husband and wife because you need to be very close in order to bring the children together and build a healthy happy home, but if, for any reason, it seems difficult to seek the help of a professional, a counsellor might be able to assist you and the children talk about problems, fears and concerns.

    Finally, remember to always show love to every member of the family because love conquers all. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj   blog; liwh.com.ng

    problem shared is a problem half solved

  • How to deal with emotional issues

    Hello Harriet, My girlfriend and I have been dating for some years now. I truly love her. My parents took to her from the start. Her parents also accepted me.  At the beginning, it was all love between us. Our relationship was doing just fine.

    We belong to the same religion. Therefore, I pleaded with her to be covering her hair, although she was the type that liked to expose her hair. Surprisingly, she did not disagree with me. I was glad that I finally found my choice.

    She started covering her hair which I appreciated a lot. Things were moving fine between us. A few months later, I called to inform her that I would like to pay her a visit in school. I was surprised that she   replied that I should not visit her. I was confused and worried.

    I couldn’t really understand her reason for saying so. I decided to make the trip out of curiosity. Getting there, she refused to pick my call. I had no other way to reach her than to call her friend who then gave me her house address.

    When I saw my girlfriend, she was cold to me.  I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. I regretted making the trip.  I travelled back home, feeling highly rejected.

    I decided to inform her parents about the whole incident. They asked me to ignore her attitude. My girlfriend later called, begging that I should pardon her. I accepted her apology, but I suspect that she is hiding something from me. I think there is someone else in her life.

    She has really changed. Before, we used to talk almost every day, expressing our love for each other freely, but now there is this serious communication gap between us. I feel so empty without her.  In all sincerity, I am tired of the relationship, despite the fact that I really have feelings for her.

    Please, I need your help. Thanks.

    Name withheld, Lagos.

     

    Thanks for sharing your problem. Matters of the heart can be overwhelming inrespective of your gender, age, ethnicity or nationality. Disappointment that you have experienced can happen to anybody, but how you handle your situation is what makes the difference.

    When relationship goes sour, the effect can be devastating.  You will definitely feel the pain most, especially if the person is so close to you. The feeling of being lonely can make life meaningless to some people. In a nutshell, there is the feeling of great lost.

    Therefore, while going through this entire emotion, one is expected to grieve one’s loss. Allow nature to run its course as you go through all the natural process.  Every relationship has its ups and downs, so how prepared are you to face the challenges as they come is a major question. Reading through your story, it is certain that your relationship with your girlfriend has some fundamental issues that were not discussed from the very start.

    Relationship is to be enjoyed not endured, where people learn to appreciate each other’s strength and weakness with effective communication. A good relationship works towards understanding each other and correcting with love. It takes a lot of patience and tolerance to grow.

    Therefore, for a relationship to be successful, both persons must be on the same page or have a common ground, bearing in mind that they are two different personalities with separate expectations, ideologies and values from different backgrounds.

    In your case, for example, your wanted her to start dressing in a certain way. Yes, at the beginning, she made an attempt, but she could not keep to it. Do you want to know why? It is simply because that is not who she is.  Expecting your girlfriend or boyfriend to change her or his personality to suit you can either go the right way or the wrong way.

    Note that everyone has their likes and dislikes, so in a situation when you try to force your likes down your partner’s throat, what you will get in return might be obedience at the initial stage and rebellion later.

    Change can only be successful when the person is in acceptance, which takes us to the fact that you can only change yourself, not your partner because to change your partner is to be in acceptance to tolerate their strengths and weaknesses.

    In addition, it takes two to have a successful relationship. So, it will be nice if you can have a talk with your girlfriend about how you feel. Be open and free to state your observations.  Then, listen to her response before making up your mind, if you still want the relationship or not . If yes, then find a way to make it work together, but if not, move on with your life because it will be better for you to have a broken heart which will heal eventually than to live in pain, regret and end up with a broken home. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or txt message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj   blog; liwh.com.ng

    problem shared is a problem half solved

  • Go easy on fast food

    Dear Harriet,

    I am a mother of four lovely children. I want my children to start eating healthy now that they are young by teaching them how to have a balance diet, so that they grow into a healthy lifestyle bearing in mind that they are students and they need to eat before going to school. Looking at the eating habits of children this day frightens me.

    Please, I need your counsel on healthy eating tips for children.

    Thanks.

    Mrs Olufumi  A, Lagos.

     

    Eating habits are learned behaviour. They’re not intuitive, so what your children learn to eat at home early in life sticks with them well into adult hood. It is not a good idea to count calorie or severely restrict food for children, like some parents do. The good news is that most overweight kids do not need to diet and they may not even need to lose weight at all. As overweight children grow taller, they aim to keep their weight about the same. That means they grow into their ideal weight as they get taller.  Your child might not be overweight or obese, but it is important that they eat healthily and remain physically active. The tips here are relevant to all children, no matter their weight.

    Try new healthy meal

    Ever find yourself making one meal for the adults in the house and another for the kids  or even one for each kid? Children take their time warming up to new things, and if you keep giving them the old standbys they’re not going to branch out and explore new foods. Be patient. Make the same dinner for everyone in the family while making sure to put some foods on the plate that your children like  then add something new. If they don’t touch it, don’t worry about it, and definitely don’t make an argument out of it.

    Try again the next week and again the following week. Eventually they’ll surprise you by at least tasting that new food.

    Be flexible

    Note that anything in moderation is okay. Of course, if a child eats meat pie, doughnuts in moderation, together with a pack of potato chips in moderation, and fizzy drink, mind you it’s no longer healthy.

    While we always want to make the healthiest choices for our children’s bodies, a special treat once a week or even once a day won’t do any damag

    On the contrary, it will help make eating a more enjoyable experience and will help your child build a good relationship with food.

    Sugar swaps

    Swap sugary drinks for water, milk or unsweetened fruit juice. Sugary drinks are not as good as water. Yes, they can provide momentary satisfaction for our children when they are thirsty, but in the long run the substances in them apart from the little water added are harmful to their health. As a result, children should be encouraged  to drink plenty of water daily so that when they grow up, it will be much easier to maintain, and the benefit of water must not be overlooked. It helps to improve the functions of the kidney and also prevent constipation in children.

    Meal time

    Today, many of us are disconnected from food sources in a way that is unprecedented in human history. The number of people who cook meals from the scratch is reducing by number because of our busy lifestyles. It’s faster to grab something from a fast-food restaurant on the way home after school/work, instead of cooking a well homemade meal with the entire necessary nutrients that they need to grow healthy.

    Every day, all children should aim to eat five or more servings of variety of fruits and vegetables. It is wise to give more fruits and vegetables which are in season to our children since they are usually cheaper than others. Some people see them as very expensive. Don’t forget the costs of fruits and vegetables are incomparable to the positive health benefits derived from them.

    Vegetable- a lot of food items fall into this category not only green vegetables, for instance

    green leafy vegetables are okra,cabbage,garden egg,cucumber,tomatoes,broccoli and avocado pear,

    to mention a few. They all contain minerals, vitamin, iron, calcium and pro-vitamin. These are essential for healthy growth and development in children.

    Children need meals that are based on starchy foods, as well remember they are still growing. For example: potatoes, pasta, rice, bread, breakfast cereal or other cereal.

    Protein-rich foods – poultry, fish, eggs, beans, pulses and lentils should not be left out.

    Lower- fat dairy products like milk, yoghurt and cheese (once children are over five).

    Activity:  30/ 60 minutes activity a day. Children should be encouraged to add activity into their daily life. It could be playing football, running, walking. Any sport that they enjoy doing, be it at home or in school. In schools where they have clubs once a week apart from the normal Physical Training. Make sure they enrol for a sporting activity. It keeps them stay healthy and busy.

    Don’t use food as reward, bribes or punishment

    It’s alright to take a child out for ice cream occasionally, but not as an incentive for a good work, likewise don’t punish children for not eating certain foods- it will only foster a negative relationship between you and your children. Learn to encourage and praise good eating instead of nagging on the negative. Resist the temptation to give your children sweets and chocolate for rewards and comfort.

    Make sure your child eats breakfast

    It’s the most important meal of the day, and it should ideally be the largest meal of the day to get your child off on the right foot. After ten to twelve hours with no food, it’s important to refuel the engines. If they don’t eat in the morning, they’ll be tired and unable to concentrate in school before lunch. It’s essential that children jumpstart their metabolism in the morning so their bodies don’t enter starvation mode, which might later cause them to experience difficulty maintaining a healthy body weight.

    Some children need to practice small and working to a bigger meal, if you’re having trouble getting your child to eat breakfast. For most children, breakfast should be around 500 calories and should be nutritionally balanced.

    Starting kids off with sugar first thing in the morning is not ideal. This gives a quick burst of energy and then leaves your child drained. Breakfast should always includes a source of protein, some healthy fats, carbohydrates (whole grains are best) and vitamins and minerals.

    Love and accept your child no matter what

    Love and accept your child at any weight, size, or shape. During childhood, growth is unpredictable at best. It comes in spurts and a once-skinny child can suddenly plump up while his height catches up with his weight. There’s a lot of pressure in our society to be thin, and you might be tempted to put your child on a diet during a growth spurt, but that

    won’t be helpful and may even cause emotional and physical damage.

    Instead, help your child maintain his weight until his height catches up. The best way to do that is to teach good healthy eating habits and encourage your child to be active. Stay healthy!

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counselor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter @bineharrietj   blog; liwh.com.ng

    problem shared is a problem half solved.

  • How to handle your finances in marriage

    DEAR HARRIET,

    My husband and I are always arguing about money. Why is money such a big issue in marriage? Thanks.

    Mrs. Akin

    Lagos.

     

    Although money is not everything in a marriage, it can make or unmake a home. Money is very important to everyone as to couples. Many marriages are in trouble today because of money, while some have failed and died.

    It is hard to admit that money is often the root of most problems in marriages, but if handled properly, it can be a source of amazing intimacy. That is not to say that money is the centre of life or that managing the family finances must be a heavy burden. In fact, financial success is really just a matter of making good choices consistently.

    However, the issue of money is so fundamental in marriage that we cannot overlook it. For example, when couples struggle financially, we see an increase in domestic arguments, breakups and chaos.

    It’s difficult to show love towards your spouse when your mind is occupied with worries about financial matters like school fees, house rent, and other bills. Only couples who are open in their finances can stand hard times because there is no financial secret.

    Talking about why money is such an issue in marriage, we find out that couples most times rate each other’s spending differently. Phrases, like I’m the saver, while you are the spender, are commonly used.

    The perception of spending money between husband and wife is different. Most women usually take care of family daily expenses, groceries, clothes for the family, while men spend on large purchases like plasma TVs, cars and computers. However, they are spending differently.

    In some homes, for example, money can be used to dominate a relationship or satisfy a hungry ego to some spouses. Too little of it can be a source of anxiety, especially when there are children to be educated, too much of it can also lead to inflated egos and break bond.

    These are ways money can affect a marriage. Unemployment is not left out. It can affect self-esteem, confidence level, emotional state of a spouse and this can really affect a marriage.

    Moreover, extended family expenses can be a financial challenge to a family, if not discussed and managed properly.

    Lifestyle not in accordance with the available resources can put a huge strain on spouse’s relationship. Gigantic purchases like building or buying a house, car, if not within budget and proper time can pose as a problem. If you and your spouse quarrel over money most times, here are some guides.

    Talking about money with your spouse is one way of solving money issues. You are in a better position to solve the issue pressing on your marriage mostly if it has to do with money. Looking for what suits your family, some families can work better with joint accounts, for instance, while others can have joint and still maintain separate personally accounts. You know what! Look for what suits your family and apply it. Always remember to save for a rainy day.

    Keeping spending on check:  Gone are the days of cutting your coat according to your size. With the economic situation, couples should know that it is now cut your coat according to your fabric. Therefore, having a plan on what is important and necessary is vital. Communicating with your spouse, deciding on how much money will be allocated to daily running of the house, how much to save for big projects and so on together must be put into consideration in order to avoid monetary problem in marriage.

    Avoid blaming each other when things go wrong. This is one common challenge that couples who are going through financial problems experience. A situation whereby a spouse sees his  or her spouse as somebody who spends alone, while he or she hardly spends, if not treated properly, might lead to some bigger problems because in the real sense, they both spend. It is just that their priorities are different in terms of their purchases as mentioned earlier.

    Avoid debts: This is another aspect that affects marital relationship. Avoid purchases on credit. Don’t go buying what you can’t afford; something we have to know is that good things never come to an end. There will always be nice stuff; however, that you cannot afford it today does not mean that you can’t tomorrow. Go for what you can afford and be contented.

    Approach all financial issues as a team, setting goals for resolving your financial setbacks. Agreeing on a course of action together provides the clarity of purpose necessary for finding a solution.

    Remember don’t blame each other when things go wrong. The blame approach doesn’t work in marriages and love.

    Self-pity also is a waste of emotion. Don’t wallow in it. Feeling sorry for yourself or your situation does not solve anything. Getting out is by taking a team approach to focus and act positively.

    Take action today to begin addressing your financial issues together. More so, celebrating together over a financial breakthrough should not be left out. Times do occasionally get tough, but here’s the bottomline-if you have a loving and trusting relationship with someone who believes in it.

    If you love someone completely, then understand that your true love will sustain you through the best of times and the worst of times.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng