The Nation Newspaper

Category: Relationships

  • Never love this

    Only last weekend I watched a movie about a young lady who went the extra mile to wangle, (not just win) the love of a guy she loved, even though she was warned that he did not love her in return. Apparently, the guy was only interested in her money. In spite of advice to the contrary, she manipulated the situation to her advantage, and got her wish, but with tragic consequences, I digress. Back to my story, what on earth makes a woman choose to be with a man she knows does not love her? I like what the female author of the Dating Rules for Women said, “Wise women love only men who love them.” Why? When a man loves you, he will treat you with respect and kindness and will always have your interests at heart, without love, anything can happen. In all the instances I have seen of men who treat their women like dirt, more often than not, the union was not founded on love (especially on his side).

    What many ladies fail to realize is that the average man is a hunter, and appreciates whatever he struggles to get, even if he got it with great difficulty. Even though most men might not admit it, just as the average guy believes that a woman who gives in too easily is cheap, even worse is the situation of women who choose to love men who do not reciprocate their affections. Such a woman is at a disadvantage, why? Love gives a woman her man’s heart, and guarantees that he will treat her with kindness and care, without it anything can happen.

    In most cultures and religions the world over, women are required to submit to their husbands while men are required to love their wives. Anything else is a reversal of nature and a recipe for disaster. Taking the argument further, any married woman will tell you that it is easier to submit to a loving husband than an unfeeling, or cold husband, if not a tyrannical one. These words are however only valuable to single ladies out there. For the married ones, what can I advise? Patience.

    I have taken the time to ask people of both sexes why a woman would choose to love someone they know does not love them and received quite a number of responses; from the misguided to the unbelievable, but the truth is, how possible is it for a woman to live with a man who is from a different background and all without love?  I will end with another quote by the author of the Dating Rules for Women, when you are with a man who loves you he will treasure you and will always (in his mind) pursue you. The woman who decides to love a man who does not reciprocate her affections will always have to pursue him, which is not a very palatable experience for any woman.

  • When not to depend on your spouse

    DEAR Harriet,

    My husband says I am suffocating him. I’m more in love with him than he is with me. I don’t want to lose him by being too clingy. I need your counsel.

    Name withheld,

    Lagos.

    Thanks for sharing your problem. A situation where you are totally dependent on your spouse or partner for everything or always being in his space for fear of losing him because of the love you have for him.

    Such behaviour can drive him away, rather, in no time the person will start feeling choked. Not everybody enjoys being crowded. Some people just need their space.

    In addition, excessive expectations in intimate relationships involve unreasonable demands for time, affection, or strength. If care is not taken, you will suffocate your relationship if you expect too much.

    However, it may indicate a different problem such as insecurity, anxiety, or low self- esteem or  your husband or partner could be responsible for you acting the way you are.

    People cling on when they feel insecure. You may have accepted your husband loves you less, but I suspect emotionally it’s a different story. If your husband wants you to be more independent, tell him that he needs to be more loving because a woman that is shown affection,  feel safe and secure, then find no reason what soever to be clinging so much to her husband.

    However, the more reassured you are, the less suffocating you will be. Apart from your spouse or partner, you also have a very important role to play in this situation in order to put an end  to the happening.

    Here are some tips to assist you: Learn to take time for yourself. Have time for yourself doing what you enjoy alone. If you like to read, then go on and read at your free time. If it is watching films, kick back and enjoy a film. Find out that thing you like, it will keep you occupied and less clinging.

    Another step is to give your partner or spouse space, time and room to breathe. Some men like to hang out with their guys Friday after work, while some women also will like to visit their friends or families as well.

    Couples are  encouraged to create special moment where they can spend quality time together for bonding. In spite of this, they should bear in mind that sometimes  they also need their “lone time,” so that when they get back together they can share their experiences and have something to talk about. Most men need to be able to get away to think about issues and digest them.

    Furthermore, it is for you to  strike a balance between your demands and those of your spouse or partner. Try to have a common ground with your spouse on issues. Things might not always go your way because the relationship involves two different personalities with separate expectations and opinions.

    Always put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Next is the issue of your hobbies and interest. The question is what are the things you enjoy the most.  Go and do them. If it is sport, get registered and keep at it. This will help you not to always be in your spouse’s or partner’s face.

    Moreover, learn to cultivate your own friends apart from your husband’s or partner’s friends that you barely know. For example, have your own friends. This can be some good friends you have known growing up that have made positive impact on your life, friends who are always there to tell you the truth not because they want to gain something from you, but are honest friends in their ways.

    Keeping in touch with your good friends might help you as well. Appreciate who you are as a person.   Start seeing greatness in yourself with the feeling that you are a complete being instead of pushing so hard for your spouse to complete you.

    Therefore, develop your own spiritual, personal, social and professional self. Trust me, once you are not in touch with whom you are, it can lead to suffocation of one’s spouse or partner.

    If you find it difficult to work on your own, don’t hesitate to see a professional counsellor to help you.

    Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng

  • How to manage anger

    DEAR Harriet, Please, I need your counsel on how to manage my temper because it is affecting me in so many ways, especially in my relationship. Help me.

    Miss Naomi, Benue State.

     

    Thanks for sharing your problem with us.  When it comes to the issue of anger management, it is very important we have a clear picture of what anger is all about because some times as human being we get upset which is natural.

    Everybody gets angry at one time or another, depending on the circumstances at hand. As a result, anger is regarded  as a natural response to perceived threats or response to certain feelings like sadness, loneliness, grief, rudeness, tiredness, hunger, pain, physical or mental illness, failure, disappointment and so no.

    Anger is actually a warning bell that tells you when something is wrong. However, anger becomes a problem only when you don’t manage it in a healthy way. Anger is a common and necessary emotion and in itself is not a problem as long as it is controlled.

    The problem comes when the anger starts controlling the person rather than the person controlling the anger. So in your case, the question we should ask is what’s the cause of your anger?  This is very important because without knowing the cause of your anger, which is regarded as your trigger, solving it will be very difficult and to be able to understand this you must know your personality type. Why? We are created differently so what I as a person can deal with might be difficult for another.

    Moving on, now what gets you angry and at what point do you lose total control of your emotions. It is important for you to analyze the reasons for your anger and deal with it for many reasons. Angry outbursts have been the cause of the break up of many otherwise happy relationships, and it is extremely bad for your health.

    When you get angry, your blood pressure rises and can lead to coronary heart trouble and other health problems. Therefore, anger is one of those emotions that can be destructive and lead to various problems, if it goes unnoticed. Some people have it but find it difficult to understand that it is an issue that must be treated.

    It can be tough sometimes, especially with various types of anger around:  Behavioural Anger: This type of anger usually describes someone who is aggressive towards whatever triggers his anger.  This can be another person. Sometimes the outcome is always physical abuse or attacks against others.

    Passive and repressive anger: This occurs in people who use sarcasm or mockery as a way to hide their feelings. They typically express this form of anger. Such people tend to avoid confrontations with people or situations.

    We have other types as verbal anger, constructive anger, judgmental anger, volatile anger, paranoid anger, deliberate anger and so on. Recognizing when anger first occurs is a key factor in determining what to do when it shows up again.

    Here are some healthy tips on how to control your anger before it controls you. Avoid everything, place, person, conversations that can be seen as your trigger.  Dealing with anger, you are in the best position to help yourself because you know what, when and how situations can put you in the state that will make you angry. In order not to get to that point, try to avoid it.

    Self-control: Develop ways to control yourself in every situation, especially in matters of anger. People have different ways of controlling themselves in situation like this. Some might decide to leave the environment before matters get out of hand. Some start counting from one to ten or even more. Some maintain absolute silence just to mention a few, so you will have to find out which one might be suitable for you to adapt.

    Furthermore, writing down feelings as you get angry can also be of help in dealing with anger. Divert attention is also a way to control your anger. In a simple language, move away from that angry state to something that you enjoy doing. It could be the gym, walk, jog, dance, cooking, any sport or any activity that makes you happy.

    Another way to deal with anger is to separate yourself from the conflict. Other ways are channel your energy somewhere, talk about it to the person not at that point because you might lose control, but later when you feel better, talk with a friend but must know the kind of friend you have, a friend who you know will tell you the truth no matter the situation.

    On the other hand, who says you cannot talk to yourself? Go to your room and talk to yourself.  Cry if you have to. Crying is a therapy on its own, besides it will make you feel better. Avoid hunger and dehydration. Make sure you drink plenty of water and eat healthy meal because hunger and dehydration before you’re aware can provoke aggressiveness and exacerbate feelings of anxiety and stress. Like the saying goes, “a hungry man is an angry man”.

    Relaxation is also a good factor to tackle anger, provided it is not the harmful type. Plan something rewarding after a hard day’s work, give yourself a treat or relax with a good book. Get some fresh air. No wonder, older people lay emphasis on the healing power of natural fresh air. A few minutes outside can be rejuvenating.  Above all, take it to God in prayer as you work towards a change and new you. If you find it difficult to work on your own, don’t hesitate to see a professional counsellor to help you. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng

  • On choices

    EARLIER in the month, the internet was agog with the story of an online war of sorts between a popular celebrity wife and her husband’s baby mama’s sister. Her grouse? That madam did not let baby daddy visit his kids often enough. I confess that I have been following the story of the prolific man and his harem over the years, and found it quite intriguing at the time.

    Why? Dating a single man who has several other ladies on the side means that only one woman will be his wife, so what happens to the other love interests? Your guess is as good as mine. I like the way someone put it, “You can choose your actions, but you can’t choose the consequences.” Some choices women make, and the consequences. Enjoy.

    1. The unwilling to commit guy. Not long after graduation, Anita met Chika, a charming enough young man who never stopped hanging around her. Anita noticed that he loved to hang around drinking places, buying loads of alcohol for himself and his friends, but could never by a decent dinner or gifts. One day he told her that she would need to be patient with him as he had no money to settle down at the time, yet he was always trying to pressure her to sleep with him. She refused, and told him to come back when he had sorted himself out. She is happily married today, while Chika is still a man about town at close to fifty.
    2. The not-ready guy and his desperate babe. Aisha, a young intern met Kingsley during an internship program, not long after they started dating she got pregnant and moved in with him, they got married after their second baby. Unfortunately Kingsley lost his job after their first baby was born; leaving Aisha saddled with the upkeep of the family, even as she struggled with financing her part time degree program. The strain was rather much on her, and she came down with a life threatening ailment that could only be managed, not cured. Could there have been a better way out?
    3. The wife from hell.  James met Umoh while in the university and dated her for quite a number of years before asking her to marry him. The day before their wedding, his dad told him that there was no way he could marry Umoh as she was not right for him. James responded that he would marry her, and God would take control. It was only after their wedding that James realized what his father meant, as Umoh made his life hell. All efforts to make her act like a wife failed as she believed that he could never leave her because he was a believer. At a point they lived like enemies in the house, each going his own way. After over twenty years of marriage, and at risk of losing his life due to abuse, he asks for a divorce. A shocked Umoh refuses to beg James to take her back in spite of being urged to do so by family members, probably because she didn’t believe he could go through with it. Two years later, he meets Olaide and marries her, only then does Umoh beg James to take her back, unfortunately it is too late.

  • What to know about courtship

    DEAR Harriet, Please, I need your advice on courtship because in a couple of months I will be getting married to the love of my life. We have been good friends for years. He proposed marriage to me last week.

    To tell you the truth, I am so excited. Therefore, I need you to counsel me on all that I need to know from courtship to marriage. I will be expecting your reply. Please, help me.

    Thanks.

    Tonia O.,

    Lagos.

     

    We are happy for you and thanks for your message. Most potential couples dream of a happy married life right from the moment they consider tying the knot.

    Courtship should, therefore, be a period for the intending couple to devote time in knowing themselves and also gathering information that will help them build a happy home together by asking the right people questions and reading encouraging books.

    Although marriage is an institute where couples keep learning from each other every day, the information and books are guides for you to have good ideas about certain issues. I know there is no same marriage, yes, but we can only learn when we are open to information.

    Knowledge they say is power.  It is wise to start on the note of prayer. Both of you should commit the issue of marriage to the one who ordains the union and that is God.

    The period of courtship should be handled with great diligence. This is the time to interact with the hope of experiencing deeper understanding of each other. There must be effective communication. Talk about everything and anything.

    Note that the period of courtship also provides an easy room for openness leading to authentic knowledge of each other based on love, trust and faith. The time spent together should be an opportunity for growth and positive enrichment, so such encounter if utilized properly should help intending couples to know their strengths and weaknesses.

    Moreover, get to know each other’s family background, make out time to visit your various families. I know there is not enough time to really know some of them for who they are.

    At least, you will have an idea the kind of environment your spouse was raised. You have to if it is a healthy one or not because our upbringing plays a lot in our personality.

    Family in this part of the world as we know is an invaluable resource which forms an integral part of who we are. Getting close to his/her family will give you an insight about his relationship with his family members for instance and the kind of family.

    Love, they say, can be blind at times, but family members and friends can really help to correct our vision. Courtship can be regarded as a time of discovery. When we are dealing with the issue of courtship, we notice that most of our young ones are living the life of daydreaming, fantasy, unrealistic married lives that only exist in novels and movies and this have influenced their expectations, so many of them go into marriage with the wrong mindset that bliss comes automatically with marriage.

    Unfortunately, nothing could be farther from the truth. Trust me. We all inspire to have a happy married life, but we must admit that nothing in life is easy. Others see the signs of abusive personality instead of addressing the issue.

    They have the notion that their intending spouse will change once they get married, forgetting the basic fact that you can only change yourself not others. What you can learn to do is to tolerate your spouse’s strengths and weaknesses.

    On the contrary, you must deliberately work it out together. You must consciously decide or ensure that your marriage will be a marriage that God intends it to be, that is, one that will be enjoyed and not endured.

    Some people while in marriage, especially when it comes to raising a family, that is the time  they suddenly realize that marriage is very tasking and demanding.

    Understanding how to keep your marriage on track emotionally and romance is not a walk over instead it requires hard work. Apart from the part that marriage is physically demanding married couples will agree with me that it is also emotionally challenging because there are a lot of issues you have to juggle with and if not properly handled can pose as a threat to the existence of your relationship.

    Take for example, the issue of finance, in-laws, extended family members, habits, hobbies, careers, choices and so on, especially in this part of the world. Issues like this must be discussed openly with your partner in order to avoid any friction.

    When couples lack the necessary information to tackle these issues, expectations become doused and in no time frustration will set in and if not resolved can bring about  other issues.

    In spite of all the ups and downs of marriage, it is a beautiful thing once you make each other your best friend and allow God to reign in your home because He created marriage.

    Love each other and never stop loving each other. Nurture your marriage with all the necessary healthy nutrients you need like trust, care, tolerance, patience, understanding, effective communication, appreciation and reward. Find room to spend quality time with your spouse, just the two of you. Correct with love and be quick to forgive. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng

  • How to create trust in relationship (2)

    IN this second part, we will be looking at more helpful counsel on how to build trust in relationships. Remember, last week, we listed the barriers to building trust. Therefore, in order to build trust in a relationship, we have to overcome these barriers and ensure they don’t act as stumbling blocks. Here are some useful tips that might be of great help.

    Have an open mind: It is important in a relationship to be as open and honest as possible. Sometimes, husband and wife lie to each other to avoid lying to each other. That is something they should think about when they are indulging in the dishonest act, not at the time of disclosure. If you think twice about what you’re doing and how it will hurt your partner, if you really care for him/her, you won’t do it. If you’re constantly hiding things and not being sincere, it affects the relationship and kills trust.

    Effective communication: Communication forms the core – an integral part of building trust and sustaining a relationship. Communication does not involve one person doing all the talking. Communicating effectively involves both partners, contributing their fair share to the conversation and listening when the other talks. It involves laying your cards on the table and telling it like it is, talking about your deeper emotions and feelings. It means being straightforward about your needs and expectations. So that you don’t go on saying that your observation is not your expectation.

    Forgiveness: Building trust in a relationship also involves being able to forgive your partner for the hurt he may have caused you in the past. If you can’t do that and insist on clinging to petty problems or keep bringing up old issues, the relationship will die a natural death. Or one or both of you is or are going to be extremely unhappy. If you decide to continue in a relationship despite the hurt your partner may have inflicted on you in the past and would like to work on rebuilding the trust, you have to be willing to wipe the slate clean and start all over.

    Ability to put oneself in another’s place, or feeling for the other person (empathy)

    when problems come up or difficult situations arise, as they are bound to, it is important to show concern for your partner’s feelings and be sensitive to their needs. Even if you do not agree with the course of action and he does not take your advice, support him in his time of despair. If you understand his deepest desires and identify with his interests, he is more inclined to trust you with his feelings. If you throw them back in his face, ridicule him or rub it in when he’s stumbled and fallen, he will not be inclined to trust you.

    Learn to maintain positive feelings: If your partner has never given you reasons to doubt him, then don’t. What’s that line about someone not being guilty unless proven otherwise? If you’re always suspicious and doubting his motives, jealous and quick to jump to conclusions (often the wrong ones), it will be very difficult to build trust. Treat your partner just the way you would want to be treated  with love and respect.

    Building trust in a relationship doesn’t come with a snap of the fingers. It takes hard work and commitment, but once you have it and work to keep it alive, you will reap the fruits of it.

    Be truthful: Unless you’re planning a surprise party for your spouse, you should never lie to your husband or wife. Even small lies  such as saying you’re working late when you’re shooting pool with your friends  are a bad idea. You’ll likely get caught in the lie, and suddenly your spouse will be wondering what else you’re lying about.

     

    Be reliable: Follow through on your promises big and small. If you tell your spouse you’re going to meet him or her at 8 p.m. at your house, be there on time. Promised to bring home milk? Bring home the milk. Of course, the big ones, such as fidelity and being there through sickness and health, for richer or poorer, also fall under this umbrella.

    Set boundaries: The green monster, jealousy, tends to rear its ugly head and threaten trust when couples don’t set boundaries with those outside their marriage or relationship, if you know it bothers your spouse when you flirt with that co-worker, then keep it professional. Don’t set up lunch dates with that ex who always calls. Make sure your spouse knows that he or she is your number one priority. Let your spouse know that he/ she comes first, and that there’s nothing going on. Talk about everything, keep no secret.

    Be trusting yourself: Unless your partner gives you a real reason to mistrust or doubt his or her honesty, you should trust him or her. This means that you should never accuse your spouse of cheating or lying to you unless you have hard evidence. Without proof, you’ll just create an air of mistrust. It’ll make your partner doubt your honesty too. You should have faith in your husband’s or wife’s faithfulness and honesty. You must believe what he or she tells you.

    Be fair: Don’t let your partner pay for the sins of your exes. If you had unfaithful or dishonest exes, you should have worked that out with them. Your spouse is his or her own person and has already chosen to commit to a life with you. He or she should be judged on his or her own actions.

    Trust yourself: Your heart led you to this man or woman. Your emotion told you that he or she was worthy of your love. Your mind told you to marry him or her. If you trust yourself, you know you made the right choice. And that’s a strong foundation on which to build trust.

    Trust, after all, is the glue that holds relationships together  even when they face great challenges. Without trust, relationships might be more likely to split in times of crises, fail at getting intimate and have doubts about each other. Spouse who trusts each other has security and probably feel closer.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng

  • How to create trust in relationship

    DEAR Harriet, I look forward to reading your article every Saturday. Keep up the good work. I find it difficult to trust in relationship because of my past experience.

    I need your counsel on how to build trust once again.

    Thanks.

    Juliet, Lagos.

     

    Your situation is expected because of your experience. Trust, as we know, is a very factor in any relationship. Many relationships have broken up over trust issues. Once violated, trust is very hard to fix and rebuild, so it has to be protected carefully and constantly nurtured.

    It can be compared to a plant that needs the right soil, water and temperature to flourish and attain full bloom. So too, trust requires the right conditions and environment to sustain a relationship through ups and downs.

    If partners trust each other in a relationship, there is no guarantee that it will continue to stay that way. Challenges might come that will make one a victim. Remember we are human and not perfect so you can never trust enough, nor can you take it for granted. You have to constantly work on it.

    However, before we go into details on how to build trust in relationship, it will be nice for us to quickly list out what can hinder us to building trust in our relationships.

    In a situation, for example, when one partner or the other seeks to be in charge and wants to achieve the upper hand, therefore, making it very difficult to meet on equal ground, trust cannot be established in such a relationship. On the other hand, if you are not happy in a relationship and constantly seek to change your partner and dictate terms, it is not an environment conducive to building trust. Your partner will withdraw and alienate himself or herself from you.

    Another factor that can serve as a hindrance to building trust is lack of honesty, hiding things from your partner  or lying by omission, or  telling him or her what you think he or she needs to hear. You are not just being dishonest with your partner, but you are not being true to yourself either.

    Remember that if you’re doing something wrong that you can’t talk about to your partner, it’s not about keeping it from your friend, but whether you can live with it is the question. For those who have conscience, the guilt can be very devastating.  Dishonesty destroys trust in a relationship, so whatever you do, have the courage of your convictions and there will never be the need to be dishonest.

    Next is self-indulgence; When a relationship is self-centred, that is, when the focus is only on personal needs, always about me attitude, without putting the other person’s interest into consideration, such action will definitely affect the relationship if not corrected. Note that if you have selfish motives, it erodes the trust that your partner has placed in you and causes a loss of faith. This, in turn, hampers the growth of the relationship and causes it to stagnate.

    Lack of effective communication can give room for doubt or assumption. For example, when you don’t talk freely with your friend or partner about everything, knowing that effective communication is the livewire of any relationship, it is the fuel on which the engine of a relationship runs, trust might be a challenge.

    Disappointment is one aspect that must not be neglected. Most people react to situations based on their experience. A person that has been disappointed will find it very hard to trust immediately. More so the act of suspicion can affect the level of trust in a relationship.

    Trust remains one of the most important elements in a relationship. Without trust in your relationship, failure is sure to follow. Trust in a relationship gives you a measure of peace and calmness that leads to satisfaction and security.

    To be continued.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng

  • To commit or not ?

    ONLY this morning I got a call from a guy who sent me a text the day before. He wanted me to help him find a lady to make him happy, one he could marry. This guy is only one of the many who keep asking me to ‘hook them up’, when I ask the men why they can’t marry the ladies they see around them, the response is the same ‘there are no marriageable ladies out there.’ To all the ladies out there who are actually looking for men to call their own, I ask what can the problem be.

    My research for my final year project opened my eyes to so many things about relations between men and women, and the effect of society’s marital institutions on the sexual lives of individuals in the society. For instance, in my grandmother’s day, single girls did not have sexual relationships; promiscuous women in town were usually divorcees or widows. When a man approached a young girl for a relationship, she would say “In my family we don’t have sex outside marriage, if you want me, you have to marry me”. If the man wanted her badly enough he would do so. This could be the reason many men of that generation had as many as five, six, seven or more wives. Wind back to the present day, men don’t have to get married to have sex, as long as he is able to give the lady something in return.

    The sexual revolution has not helped matters at all, I am sorry to sound like a broken record but what it has done has been to make an intrinsic part of marriage common-place. And given the impression that love is an emotion, when in actual fact it is a lifelong commitment, it goes beyond what you feel to how you live; rather than just paying lip service to the institution.

    The high divorce rate is another thing that has put so many singles off the institution, you can say that marriage is meant to last forever but when the reality is contrary to that, there isn’t much to encourage people to want to get or stay married. Many young people grew up in broken homes, or had friends, or relatives who did so they know that marriages don’t always last forever.

    Also, many ladies do not know how to choose right.  I am often amazed to find a lady of marriageable age dating a man who is not physically, emotionally and financially ready to settle down, he might not have a job or is still living in his father’s house, or still a man about town; totally unprepared to take the plunge.

    Some ladies even feel that they can convince the man to want to settle down. It doesn’t happen that way, marriage will happen only when the man is truly ready and able to take up the responsibility. A man has to have a means of livelihood, be emotionally prepared for the responsibility, and also be ready to commit to the relationship. Until all three are in place, a man won’t commit, begging and manipulating him won’t work, and when it does it is never a pleasant story.

  • Why you should not use abusive words in relationship (2)

    IN this second part, we will be looking at more useful counsel on verbal abuse, a quick reminder of what is regarded as verbal abuse. The use of words that undermines someone’s self-worth and security through insults or humiliation with the intension to control the victim.Spoken words are very power in relationships. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”. Contrary to this old saying, verbal abuse can severely damage a person mental health and social development, living lifelong psychological scars.

    Verbal abuse eats up a home slowly because a woman who is constantly humiliated, insulted, called names and yelled at by her husband will have some reservations when it comes to giving her all to the relationship.

    Remember that you can only receive what you give so if you give out love and respect, then you will get same in return. A person you disrespect cannot show you love. Therefore, your behaviour towards your spouse or partner will affect the state of your marriage. Every woman loves to be appreciated and acknowledged by her husband or partner, no matter the situation or circumstances.

    Marriage  gives you the true personality of your spouse, his or her strengths and weaknesses, bearing in mind that you don’t love a person because he or she is perfect. Instead, you love in anticipation that you will be able to bring out the best in the person.

    Husband and wife should learn to speak kind words to each other at all times, most especially in the presence of their children, knowing that children mostly copy and practise what they see their parents do. In addition, comparison should be avoided. Never compare your spouse to someone else, whether a co-worker, a friend’s wife or husband.

    Meanwhile, the truth is that a person you see from afar is easy to admire because your interaction with him or her is superficial. You really don’t know her flaws.  Total acceptance, tolerance and correction with good intension are the keys to a happy home.

    Furthermore, intimacy in marriage is to be enjoyed by husband and wife, so a situation where a man only shows love and care to his wife only when he wants to have sex portrays the woman as a toy with little or no value. If you want a good wife in bed, you must start being nice to her from the beginning.

    You cannot be nasty to your wife all day and expect a good wife at night. That’s really not possible because most women find it difficult to switch from one state of mind to another.  As a human being, our feelings affect our moods most times. You can only be in the right mood when you feel right.

    In the first part of this article, I stated that living with verbal abuse can take a great toll on someone’s health and general well-being, if not handled properly.

    Another way of dealing with issue of verbal abuse is to have effective communication with your spouse about how the way and manner he talks down on you affects you and the relationship and discuss the attitude in a very calm manner, not with a quarrel. If you are not getting any headway through  this means, your next step is to  visit a trained counsellor or speak out to a member of the family for help.

    Don’t be silent because your abuser gains more control when you don’t talk . He might kick against it at the beginning. Learn not to make a force, but keep at it in a nice way and don’t forget to take your situation to God in prayer while you add action to it by doing the aforementioned.

    Think more about yourself than your situation; take good care of yourself and be happy, take up a hobby that you enjoy, register with a gym if possible, exercise is a form of relaxation that makes you feel good with yourself. Nobody have the right to make you miserable.

    Don’t regard his attitude towards you as your fault. Another step is to avoid isolation. Instead, surround yourself with true friends and family members for support.

    Avoid engaging in conflict with your abuser. Be calm when he or she is upset. Don’t give room for him to call you names. Work away if possible without an attitude. Verbal abuse if not handled properly can give room to other form of abuse like physical abuse.

    Don’t get me wrong. I am not an advocate for divorce, but safety is very important and must not be neglected as they seek healthy ways to restore the right attitude towards one another because there is no moral justification whatsoever for a spouse to verbally abuse his or her spouse no matter the action. Take care of yourself and each other.

     

    Harriet Ogbobine is a counsellor and a motivational speaker. Send your questions and suggestions to her on bineharriet@gmail.com or text message only 08054682598. You can also follow her on twitter: @bineharrietj, blog: liwh.com.ng

  • Love potion 111

    THIS week we will conclude last week’s discourse, “How to keep a man in love with you.” There is a tribe in southern Nigeria where girls are trained to take care of a man. When a Nigerian woman hears that her man is dating a woman from there, she believes that he is as good as gone. The truth? For them, the art of keeping a man is a science and an art. Girls from there are schooled from an early age to take care of their looks, cook good food, keep the home well, take special care of a man; both in and out of bed, but more importantly is that they are taught to give their men any and everything they want. Which man in his right senses can resist such a woman? So how do you make a man love you so much that people will think you hold a magic wand of sorts? Read on:

    1. Let him know that you will do any and everything he asks. For some reason I can’t fathom men love to be in charge in their relationships. By this I mean that a man wants to call the shots (or at least feel that he does) how? A man wants to be with a woman who does what he wants, and when he feels that way he is likely to listen to the woman, and acquiesce to her demands. When his woman does not do what he wants, he believes that she does not respect him. Could that be the reason that many modern women find it hard to find and keep a man? Even if a man can stomach a female boss, he doesn’t want one in his house. I like the way a veteran musician described his late wife to me. He said, “She allowed me to be the Commander-in -Chief of our home, and never gave me any trouble.” And they had a long and happy marriage that lasted over five decades before she passed on.
    2. Grow with him. Marriage is meant to be a long term relationship, and like most things will change because all humans change and grow. So a wise woman will take the time to grow with her husband. Don’t be like the woman who married her husband when he was the struggling assistant manager of a hotel, but had the dream of owning the best, and most luxurious hotel chain in the world. He achieved his dream, unfortunately she was not comfortable with his success, and the marriage ended. If your spouse is ambitious, make the effort to grow with him. Go to school and equip yourself if need be, but don’t remain a school certificate holder when your hubby is amassing masses of degrees and certifications.
    3. Stand up when he comes into the room, or at least acknowledge his entrance. ‘Familiarity breeds contempt’ is an aphorism that holds true in most marriages. Never become so familiar with your man that you treat him casually, not to mention contempt. One of the biggest ways to make your man feel loved is to acknowledge his presence in a big way whenever he walks into a room, stand up or at least welcome him back with a big smile. A lady I know opens the gate as she sees her hubby off to work every morning, and rushes out with glee when he returns home. In spite of her weaknesses, he adores her, and some wonder what exactly she has given him (as Nigerians put it).
    4. Protect his interests, not bad mouthing him to friends and family. A good wife is protective of her man’s interests and reputation; she never bad mouths him or harps on his weaknesses in public. Why? A man’s ego is a delicate thing and more than anything else demands the adoration, or at least respect of his woman. Speaking good of him at all times makes him feel safe with you.
    5. Pray for him. No matter the faith you follow, praying for your man is a given, so why add it here? This is most likely because not all women realize that men need the prayers of their significant others. Facing challenges in your relationship or with your man? Pray for him. Connection to a higher power always works for the best especially when things are hazy, or tough, or he seems to be recalcitrant. You see no man wants to be seen to be controlled by his wife, so don’t try pushing him, try praying for him instead.